Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 217: Why People Leave When You Start Healing (And Why It's Not a Sign You're Doing It Wrong)

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217: Why People Leave When You Start Healing (And Why It's Not a Sign You're Doing It Wrong) · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Speaker: Well, hello, and welcome back.
• 0:22
  Speaker: Today we're going to be talking about something that can feel extremely confusing and even painful when you're on a healing journey, and it's answering this question: Why do some people leave when we're finally starting to make positive changes for ourselves?
• 0:36
  Speaker: And maybe you're somebody that's in the middle of it now.
• 0:39
  Speaker: Maybe you've started setting boundaries.
• 0:41
  Speaker: Maybe you've started saying no.
• 0:42
  Speaker: Maybe you have finally stopped apologizing for simply existing.
• 0:46
  Speaker: Maybe you've started honoring your needs instead of making everybody else's needs your full-time job.
• 0:51
  Speaker: And then suddenly people are acting weird, all right?
• 0:54
  Speaker: Your partner is irritated, your friends seem distant, your coworkers are treating you differently, and you're kind of left wondering,"Okay, but wait, I thought that all of this self-improvement stuff was supposed to make all of my relationships better.
• 1:06
  Speaker: So why does this feel so hard and so uncomfortable?" And the truth is that sometimes it does make everything better when you start to work on yourself.
• 1:15
  Speaker: Sometimes your growth, it inspires other people.
• 1:18
  Speaker: Sometimes your relationships truly do deepen.
• 1:20
  Speaker: They become more authentic and more connected.
• 1:23
  Speaker: Sometimes people cheer you on, and they might even say,"Oh my goodness, I just love this new version of you.
• 1:28
  Speaker: I cannot believe how much growth you've experienced, and that I have been a witness to it all.
• 1:32
  Speaker: Oh my gosh, this is just so amazing." And other times people get upset.
• 1:38
  Speaker: Sometimes people pull away.
• 1:41
  Speaker: Sometimes people will leave.
• 1:43
  Speaker: And I want you to know that if you have experienced the pain of losing connections with people as you've begun to grow and evolve, it's not that you're doing personal growth wrong.
• 1:54
  Speaker: In fact, I would say that this is one of the most common things that I see in my coaching practice.
• 1:59
  Speaker: As you know, I work with a lot of healers, empaths, and recovering people pleasers, and I also work with a lot of other coaches, so obviously these are people that have done the work.
• 2:08
  Speaker: They have made the change.
• 2:10
  Speaker: And I would estimate that about, mm, seventy-five percent of these people, they've experienced some kind of relationship change over time because of the growth that they've experienced.
• 2:20
  Speaker: And it doesn't just change you when you make these changes, it changes all of the relationships around you.
• 2:26
  Speaker: When I first started doing my own inner work, when I first started working with my own coach, I noticed something really interesting.
• 2:33
  Speaker: Very similar issues and very similar conflicts, they were showing up in multiple relationships and at first, I made this mean that I must be the problem.
• 2:44
  Speaker: I thought,"Well, if this is happening in multiple relationships, then I must be the common denominator.
• 2:49
  Speaker: I must be doing something wrong." But I was only half right.
• 2:54
  Speaker: While it was true that I was the common denominator, it wasn't because I was doing anything wrong that I was experiencing these conflicts.
• 3:01
  Speaker: It's because I was doing something right.
• 3:04
  Speaker: And doing it right was really shaking things up, and not everybody appreciated that shakeup.
• 3:10
  Speaker: They wanted things to stay as they were.
• 3:11
  Speaker: They wanted me to just maintain the status quo.
• 3:14
  Speaker: Some people didn't want me to grow and evolve and to change because it was kind of an inconvenience.
• 3:19
  Speaker: So yes, the common denominator, it was me.
• 3:22
  Speaker: It was that I was growing, and I was creating much needed change in my relationships.
• 3:27
  Speaker: I was finally learning how to take responsibility for what was mine.
• 3:31
  Speaker: And something that was equally important was that I was also learning how to stop taking responsibility for the things that weren't mine to own.
• 3:39
  Speaker: I started saying no to requests that didn't fit in with my values, my time, my energy, or my schedule.
• 3:45
  Speaker: I finally stopped jumping in to rescue other people, and I started to just practice allowing them to figure it out on their own and to have their own growth experiences.
• 3:55
  Speaker: I stopped trying to predict everybody's needs before they even voiced them, and I stopped over-explaining my personal boundaries.
• 4:02
  Speaker: And perhaps most shocking of all, I finally started to make requests for what it was that I wanted.
• 4:08
  Speaker: And I know that it sounds like totally outrageous behavior for a people pleaser, because if you are a recovering people pleaser, you know that asking for what it is that you want in a relationship, it can feel downright criminal.
• 4:18
  Speaker: And the truth is that the changes that I was making, they created a ripple effect that soon impacted all of my relationships.
• 4:26
  Speaker: And because some people had become accustomed to a certain version of me, a version that was highly accommodating, highly available, highly accessible, highly aware of everybody else's emotions, a version that often put herself last, well, not everybody liked that new version of me.
• 4:42
  Speaker: So yes, some of my relationships became stronger.
• 4:45
  Speaker: Some relationships evolved beautifully, and now we're more connected than ever.
• 4:50
  Speaker: And other relationships, if I'm being completely honest with you, that was kind of the beginning of the end for us.
• 4:56
  Speaker: So today, let's talk about three reasons why those people who do leave, leave.
• 5:01
  Speaker: So first of all, let's talk about resonance and dissonance.
• 5:04
  Speaker: Now, imagine for a moment that I have a beautiful tuning fork in my hand, and when I hit that tuning fork, then it sings a beautiful note.
• 5:11
  Speaker: And when it rings so loud and clear, then my ukulele at the back of the room, it's gonna start singing and vibrating at the same frequency.
• 5:18
  Speaker: Now, this is resonance.
• 5:20
  Speaker: So this is essentially my ukulele saying,"Yes, this is the note.
• 5:24
  Speaker: This is the frequency.
• 5:25
  Speaker: Oh, it feels so familiar to me, and I match that frequency, and it feels amazing." And our relationships can work the same way.
• 5:33
  Speaker: When you're constantly saying yes and matching other people's frequencies, then you're resonating with the ones that you're self-sacrificing for, and people absolutely love that.
• 5:43
  Speaker: When you're carrying the emotional load in a relationship so that they no longer have to carry it, oh my goodness, people love that.
• 5:49
  Speaker: When you're anticipating their needs before they've even been spoken, when you're solving problems before they've even been assigned to you, when you're volunteering before anybody has asked you to help out, when you're resonating at a frequency that resonates with other people, then oh my goodness, they're just so happy.
• 6:04
  Speaker: And they might even say,"Oh, this makes me sing.
• 6:07
  Speaker: This feels so great." And it is great.
• 6:10
  Speaker: And also, if the giving is only happening in one direction, it might not feel as good to you, and it might not be sustainable for you.
• 6:20
  Speaker: In fact, this imbalance, it may even be creating some dissonance for you in a relationship, even though it's working for and resonating with them.
• 6:30
  Speaker: And when you start to say no, now we're introducing a new frequency into the relationship, and some people are going to resonate with that, and they're going to respect it.
• 6:38
  Speaker: And they'll say,"Oh, wow, good for you.
• 6:40
  Speaker: Thank you for letting me know your limits.
• 6:42
  Speaker: I love that we can be honest with each other." And other people will think,"Oh, wait a minute, I don't like this song.
• 6:48
  Speaker: This doesn't feel very good." And when this happens, then what once felt like resonance, it now feels like dissonance because you're changing the tune.
• 6:58
  Speaker: And truly, this is so much of life.
• 7:00
  Speaker: We go into relationship, and we see who resonates and who doesn't, and sometimes you will resonate with others, and they will also resonate with you.
• 7:08
  Speaker: And other times, you might resonate with them, they won't resonate with you, or vice versa.
• 7:13
  Speaker: And so sometimes it just does take some time to figure out who resonates and who doesn't.
• 7:18
  Speaker: In the beginning, it can feel amazing to give and to overgive, but over time, you might come to realize that something is just a little bit off.
• 7:28
  Speaker: What used to feel comfortable in that relationship, it no longer feels comfortable for you.
• 7:33
  Speaker: It's no longer working for you.
• 7:36
  Speaker: And that doesn't mean that your boundary is wrong or that your personal journey is wrong.
• 7:40
  Speaker: It simply means that now you're identifying who does and who doesn't resonate, and that's okay.
• 7:45
  Speaker: And sometimes the best way to discover who does and doesn't resonate is to change things up and just kind of see what happens.
• 7:53
  Speaker: Improve yourself and see how they respond.
• 7:57
  Speaker: You will learn very quickly who is willing to invest into your own progression and your own healing and who isn't.
• 8:03
  Speaker: Think of it like an orchestra where all of the instruments are attempting to tune into the same note.
• 8:08
  Speaker: And ideally, everybody's able to tune into the same note.
• 8:11
  Speaker: But if there's someone who isn't able to match that tone and match that frequency, it's going to become very obvious over time.
• 8:19
  Speaker: All right, so reason number two as to why people leave when you improve yourself is that your personal growth, it's going to create a choice for other people.
• 8:27
  Speaker: So when you make changes in how you're choosing to engage with other people and how you're showing up in life, others are now faced with a decision.
• 8:34
  Speaker: You know the path that that relationship was currently on, and you want to create change, and so you step off that path to make your own trail.
• 8:41
  Speaker: And now they have a decision to either join you on your new path or continue on the path that they already know and are familiar with.
• 8:48
  Speaker: And neither option is inherently wrong.
• 8:51
  Speaker: Everybody has agency, and everybody gets a choice and a say in the matter as to where it is that they want to go.
• 8:56
  Speaker: But growth often shines a light on places where others might not want to grow.
• 9:01
  Speaker: So let's say, for example, that you have started speaking up in a relationship.
• 9:05
  Speaker: You're making requests.
• 9:07
  Speaker: You're sharing your personal opinion.
• 9:09
  Speaker: You're letting people know the truth about your availability.
• 9:12
  Speaker: Now, some people might see that and think negatively about those changes.
• 9:16
  Speaker: Maybe they felt safer when you didn't speak up, when you had no opinions, when you didn't have any boundaries.
• 9:21
  Speaker: So they might be upset by your personal growth.
• 9:24
  Speaker: But other people, they will be inspired by your change.
• 9:28
  Speaker: They might even feel like they now finally have permission to do the same, to show up authentically, to say what it is that they mean and mean what it is that they actually say, and it feels so amazing.
• 9:38
  Speaker: And still other people, they might just need some time to figure out how it is that they think and feel about it.
• 9:44
  Speaker: Your job is not to judge how other people respond to your personal growth.
• 9:48
  Speaker: It's to work towards becoming the best version of yourself and discovering along the way who is and isn't willing to come along.
• 9:56
  Speaker: So yes, your growth, it can be inspiring, and it can also be confronting for some people because growth, it tends to hold up a mirror to other people, and not everybody enjoys seeing what it is that they see in the mirror.
• 10:08
  Speaker: For example, I had one client who came to the realization that their friend never actually asked for things.
• 10:14
  Speaker: They would hint at things, and then they would hope that they would just take care of it.
• 10:17
  Speaker: So let's kind of call this client Samantha and her friend Tina.
• 10:20
  Speaker: Traditionally, then Tina would make a comment like,"I sure could use some rest today, but the kids are driving me crazy." Or she might say,"I am just too overwhelmed to even get the dishes done." And Samantha, like the good friend that she is, she would take this as a request.
• 10:33
  Speaker: She would jump up, she would take the kids, she'd get the dishes done while her friend napped.
• 10:37
  Speaker: And then one day down the road, then Samantha made a comment like,"Hey, do you remember how I took your kids the other day?
• 10:41
  Speaker: I was wondering if you could take mine so that I could get some shopping done." And Tina said,"Well, I never asked you to do those things for me." And she was right.
• 10:51
  Speaker: There had never actually been an inquiry.
• 10:53
  Speaker: And it was right about now that Samantha realized that she was actually creating imbalance in that relationship.
• 10:59
  Speaker: She was creating imbalance and ingratitude in relationship by rushing in and rescuing her friend rather than waiting to be asked to help.
• 11:08
  Speaker: So she made the decision right then and there to not jump in unless she was explicitly asked, and allow her friend to learn and grow.
• 11:15
  Speaker: So now I won't tell you what happened in this particular story and how it ended, but I'm sure that you can imagine that once Tina recognized that Samantha was now waiting to be asked to step in rather than continuing to do all of the emotional labor in relationship, it did have an impact on their relationship.
• 11:31
  Speaker: Because now Tina had to first identify what it was she actually wanted, and then she had to allow herself to be vulnerable enough to actually ask Samantha for help.
• 11:40
  Speaker: Tina was now being shown a mirror into what it was that she had created by way of imbalance in relationship, and it didn't feel very good.
• 11:48
  Speaker: But even when Tina eventually expressed not really liking this change, then Samantha knew deep down that this is a change that was very much needed, and Tina's being disappointed doesn't mean that she's done anything wrong.
• 11:59
  Speaker: So yes, some people, once the shock has worn off about your growth and your change, then they will become inspired by you.
• 12:06
  Speaker: They'll become curious.
• 12:07
  Speaker: They will notice the positive changes in you, and they'll start to do their own work to create something new for themselves as well as for your relationship.
• 12:15
  Speaker: And others might respond with,"That's too much work.
• 12:18
  Speaker: That's not going to work for me.
• 12:20
  Speaker: Your expectations are too high, so no, I won't be joining you on your journey." And that's fine.
• 12:25
  Speaker: They're free to choose that.
• 12:27
  Speaker: Those who are a vibrational match and those who want to go with you on your journey, they become incredibly beautiful and more intimate relationships.
• 12:35
  Speaker: And those who aren't a match will often slowly fall out of our lives.
• 12:39
  Speaker: But again, it does not mean that you have done anything wrong.
• 12:44
  Speaker: All right, reason number three, you were filling a role that benefited them.
• 12:48
  Speaker: And this one can be a pretty uncomfortable one to look at, but it's also really important to know is, okay, just ask yourself,"Who benefits from me staying the same?" More than likely, it's the people that love what it is that you do for them.
• 13:01
  Speaker: And it's not because they're evil, it's not because they're being manipulative, but because human beings naturally become accustomed to systems that work for them, right?
• 13:09
  Speaker: So let's be totally honest.
• 13:10
  Speaker: If you have spent years, or possibly even your whole life, making sure that everybody else's needs are met, then that system, it probably did work really well for them.
• 13:20
  Speaker: You spent years dropping everything if they were stressed out.
• 13:23
  Speaker: You spent years carrying the emotional labor in a relationship.
• 13:26
  Speaker: You've been the caretaker, the accommodator, the rescuer, the peacemaker, the emotional support human.
• 13:31
  Speaker: And all of that worked really well for them.
• 13:35
  Speaker: You were filling a role for them, but this role, it was a volunteer, unpaid position.
• 13:41
  Speaker: And you may be starting to realize now that there's actually little to no benefit to staying in this role at this point in your journey.
• 13:47
  Speaker: There's no retirement plan, there's no paid vacation, and yet somehow you have been expected to be on call for them 24/7 if they needed anything.
• 13:57
  Speaker: So when you stop filling that role for them, then people, they often experience some discomfort because now they have to do things that they've never had to do before.
• 14:06
  Speaker: They have to learn how to manage their own emotions.
• 14:09
  Speaker: They have to learn how to solve their own problems.
• 14:11
  Speaker: They have to learn how to make requests in a relationship because up until now, you've always been so intuitive that you just agreed to what it is that they needed, and they never even had to ask for it.
• 14:21
  Speaker: Now they need to learn how to take responsibility for themselves, how to be their own caretaker, how to be their own healer, their own whatever.
• 14:29
  Speaker: And putting in the effort into doing those things that you've traditionally done for them, it doesn't always feel good because, yeah, they don't wanna do it.
• 14:37
  Speaker: And because of that, then sometimes they may even resent you for putting them in that position of having to be accountable for themselves.
• 14:44
  Speaker: And this isn't because you've done anything wrong, but it's simply because you made it clear that that arrangement, it was working for them, but it wasn't working for you.
• 14:53
  Speaker: And now change must happen because it's time for you to grow and evolve and change and find something that works better for both of you.
• 15:00
  Speaker: And just because somebody benefited from your self-sacrifice, it doesn't mean that your self-sacrifice was healthy.
• 15:07
  Speaker: In fact, as we talked about in last week's episode on hypervigilance, the owning of other people's emotions, it doesn't actually serve either of you.
• 15:16
  Speaker: Instead, it creates dependency, it prevents personal growth, and it keeps everybody stuck.
• 15:23
  Speaker: Healthy relationships share responsibility.
• 15:27
  Speaker: It's not one person carrying the entire load.
• 15:30
  Speaker: So once you see that you are filling that unpaid position for them, then you might decide in your head that,"Okay, it's time to quit that unpaid position, and I need to make some active change here." And maybe they will see that they took you for granted and wanted you to do all of the work, or maybe they will seek out somebody else to take your place and fill those roles for them.
• 15:47
  Speaker: But even if that is the case, it still does not mean that you have done anything wrong.
• 15:52
  Speaker: You've just sought to create more balance.
• 15:55
  Speaker: Now, if as you've been listening to this, if you're thinking,"Okay, but MaryAnn, it still really, really hurts.
• 16:00
  Speaker: I understand why they're leaving.
• 16:02
  Speaker: I understand why there's this gap now, but it still really, really hurts," I want you to know that I know, and I deeply understand.
• 16:12
  Speaker: And underneath a lot of that hurt is usually a lot of fear.
• 16:17
  Speaker: A fear of abandonment.
• 16:18
  Speaker: A fear that people will only love us for what it is that we do for them and not who we actually are.
• 16:24
  Speaker: A fear that we're being selfish by actually advocating for ourselves.
• 16:28
  Speaker: A fear that somebody being upset is evidence that we've now done something wrong.
• 16:33
  Speaker: Now, please, if you hear nothing else from this episode, then hear this.
• 16:37
  Speaker: Just because somebody else is uncomfortable, it doesn't automatically mean that you've done something wrong.
• 16:42
  Speaker: Somebody being disappointed does not automatically mean that you're selfish.
• 16:46
  Speaker: Someone having negative feelings, it doesn't automatically mean that you're the one now responsible for fixing them.
• 16:52
  Speaker: And sometimes someone being upset and even potentially leaving, it's just a sign that you're making changes and that good things are on their way.
• 17:00
  Speaker: More peace and more balance is on its way.
• 17:03
  Speaker: A life free of walking on eggshells is on its way.
• 17:08
  Speaker: And I know that that's a really hard lesson to learn for a lot of people pleasers because many of us were trained to believe that everybody's emotional state was somehow our responsibility, but it's not.
• 17:19
  Speaker: Their emotions belong to them and your emotions belong to you.
• 17:25
  Speaker: And healthy relationships, they allow both people to own their own side.
• 17:30
  Speaker: So now let's talk briefly about the people that stay, the people that choose to evolve with you because they deserve some airtime too.
• 17:37
  Speaker: The people who choose to evolve and grow with you, they will become your nearest and dearest friends.
• 17:42
  Speaker: I have a theory that compatibility, while yes, it is nice to have a lot of things in common, but I believe that one of the most significant signs of compatibility is progressing at roughly the same rate.
• 17:54
  Speaker: So the people that are choosing to progress with you, they're the ones to hold on to.
• 17:59
  Speaker: You may need to let some people go, and while their absence can be painful, there is so much peace that can come from choosing to invest elsewhere.
• 18:07
  Speaker: You will experience more peace in your body and in your nervous system.
• 18:11
  Speaker: You'll no longer feel like you're walking on eggshells.
• 18:13
  Speaker: Anxiety and depression will actually decrease.
• 18:16
  Speaker: You will sleep so much better when you're no longer lying awake wondering if everybody is okay and who might be upset with you.
• 18:23
  Speaker: You will experience so much less burnout, more balance in relationships, and more authentic connections all around.
• 18:30
  Speaker: The people who belong in your life, they get to know the real version of you, not the performance version of you, not the masked version of you, just you.
• 18:40
  Speaker: And that is one of the greatest gifts of this work.
• 18:44
  Speaker: So if you're in the middle of this right now, if somebody has pulled away, if a friendship has changed, if a friendship has ended, if you are grieving the loss of what you had or if you're thinking,"But I don't know if anyone is ever going to fill that space for me," I want you to know that you're not alone, and it does get better.
• 19:00
  Speaker: Trust that when people leave, they're creating space for somebody that is more aligned with you.
• 19:06
  Speaker: And sometimes that space, it can feel painfully empty.
• 19:09
  Speaker: And let's be honest, sometimes it stays empty longer than we would like.
• 19:14
  Speaker: But creating space for something better is not the problem.
• 19:18
  Speaker: Space is where new things can come in.
• 19:21
  Speaker: So create some space for alignment, space for healthier relationships.
• 19:25
  Speaker: When you choose to improve yourself, you change your personal frequency, and it changes the signal that you're putting out into the world.
• 19:32
  Speaker: And eventually, the people who do resonate with that signal, just like with the tuning fork, they're going to say,"Oh, wow, someone is near me that resonates," and they are going to find you.
• 19:42
  Speaker: And these people, they actually appreciate the you that you are becoming.
• 19:46
  Speaker: They appreciate your boundaries.
• 19:47
  Speaker: In fact, I have one friend that she tells me almost every time we get together, she says,"Oh, it is so nice being in friendship with you because I know that if you're unavailable, you're just gonna tell me so, and it doesn't mean anything about me, and that is such a gift for our relationship." So yes, these new people, these new friends, they're going to appreciate your boundaries.
• 20:06
  Speaker: They are the people who value reciprocity, the people who don't need you to abandon yourself in order to love them.
• 20:12
  Speaker: These people do exist, and they are worth making space for in your life and waiting for.
• 20:19
  Speaker: Because the relationships built from authenticity are far more fulfilling than the relationships that are built on self-sacrifice.
• 20:26
  Speaker: Remember, how other people show up is about them, and how you show up is about you.
• 20:31
  Speaker: So keep growing, keep honoring yourself, and trust to the people who are meant to be in your life to walk beside you, they will learn how to walk with the version of you that's becoming more and more yourself every single day.
• 20:44
  Speaker: There is so much that could be accomplished by just listening to a podcast, and I hope today has been helpful for you.
• 20:50
  Speaker: And also, there is so much more that we can do working together one-on-one.
• 20:54
  Speaker: I have a six-week coaching package designed to help you to find your voice and create that lasting change.
• 20:59
  Speaker: And the thing that I love about these six-week packages is that they give us a clear breaking point where we can either separate and go our different ways, or we can continue on with another package.
• 21:08
  Speaker: My clients love this because so many of them, they have found themselves working with coaches or therapists with no clear end goal in sight, and because of that, it's really unclear when to end.
• 21:18
  Speaker: And so it's been such a relief for my recovering people pleasers to know that we can sit down and assess where they're at every six weeks and have a clean break if needed.
• 21:27
  Speaker: It has been so good for their nervous systems.
• 21:30
  Speaker: Now, I do limited hours for summer, but just imagine it...
• 21:33
  Speaker: not only making this your hot girl summer, but making this your self-worth summer.
• 21:39
  Speaker: Your next step is to simply book a clarity call with me and see if we might be a good fit.
• 21:43
  Speaker: This is a low-pressure call, and I only do a couple of these per week, so click the link in the show notes and let's chat.
• 21:49
  Speaker: This is a free and powerful thirty-minute call where I help you to gain clarity around what one small change could have the biggest impact on your life.
• 21:58
  Speaker: And if at the end of that call, if you would like to learn more about working with me, great.
• 22:01
  Speaker: And if not, no worries.
• 22:03
  Speaker: I hope to still offer you some value on that call.
• 22:06
  Speaker: All right, well, here's to a week of creating more peace and balance, and I'll see you next time.
• 22:11
  Speaker: Bye now.