Latest / gasp! the pod / how i realized i was bisexual

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how i realized i was bisexual · gasp! the pod

0:00
If anything a more bi curious and the curious is not towards
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women, the curious is towards men.
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Hello everyone, welcome back to GASP the Pod, the podcast for
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the gays, the girls and especially the gay girls.
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Today I want to talk about my story.
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Usually I talk about other people, celebrities, pop
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culture, queer history, gay things in general.
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But today I thought I would share my story of how I realized
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I was bi. I thought I was straight my
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entire life. I went through childhood, high
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school, college, most of college, never knowing that I
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could literally be bisexual. I really thought I was straight.
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I had gay friends, I was actively taking LGBTQ studies
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courses and I thought that I would know by now if I was gay.
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I thought wrong and I didn't know.
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I literally didn't know until I was 20.
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So here's the story of how I found out I was bisexual at 20.
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The reason why I wanted to talk about this today is because last
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week I did the episode on the WNBA and Page Becker's and AZ
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Fudd and like these gay basketball players and I realize
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there are a lot of Paige and AZ stands.
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Paisy or Pat? No, it's paisy.
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I'm sure it's paisy. Has to be stands who perhaps are
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actively figuring out their sexuality as they are realizing
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how into pagebackers they are. So I wanted to kind of share my
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realization of how I realized I was queer, specifically bi.
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I am bi. I know it's shocking because I
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have a girlfriend and I know we all forget that bi people can
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actually date the same sex. But anyways, I thought I would
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share my realization, not necessarily my coming out story.
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I think sometimes it's conflated.
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And obviously your coming out story, like has to do with how
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you figured out you were queer. But I'm not going to talk about
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like how I decided to come out and like who I came out to first
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because I came out to my family in like a very dramatic way with
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my cousins because some of my cousins are also queer.
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That is like a whole other story that we can get into another
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episode. Let me know if you want that
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story because it's pretty crazy. Anyways, before we get into the
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story, of course, I have to do just a few housekeeping stuff.
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I wanted to let you guys know if you are not already #1 Gasper,
2:51
which means that you subscribe to my Patreon for bonus content.
2:55
I am releasing a new episode of On the Rumor Mill, which is one
2:58
of my bonus series where I talk about like pop culture rumors
3:02
and whether or not I think that they're true or false.
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That will be out probably in the next week after this episode.
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Speaking of my #1 Gaspers, AKA again, my Patreon members, if
3:15
you want to subscribe, by the way, to my Patreon, I'm just
3:18
going to link it in the YouTube video, in the Spotify, just in
3:22
the notes. It'll probably be before or
3:24
under the caption. So just click that link.
3:27
You know, subscribe this podcast.
3:30
I don't really get any advertisements or, you know,
3:34
sponsors because I guess companies hate gay people now
3:37
and I think that they're afraid to be associated with me calling
3:43
celebrities gay. But anyways, because this is
3:46
like completely self funded, it is very difficult to like fix
3:50
technology when it breaks and like continue to release
3:53
episodes on a timely manner when I have no income coming from it.
3:57
So I really appreciate those who subscribe.
4:00
It's 499 a month and I release multiple bonus episodes just for
4:05
my subscribers. I will never release it anywhere
4:08
else. And if you are a Patreon
4:11
subscriber, you get early episodes as well.
4:14
And I shout out my subscribers as well.
4:17
So this week I'm shouting out my #1 Gasper.
4:20
Catina Kay, thank you so much for being a #1 Gasper.
4:23
And also I love your name. I just feel like that sounds so
4:26
good. It's kind of like Karlie Kloss
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KK. And lastly, I know I've been
4:31
shouting this out. The merch is also in a link
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below the description on Spotify or wherever you're listening to
4:37
this on. I wanted to let you guys know
4:40
because I thought it was so fucking funny that I started
4:42
making pride merch. Let me know if you guys have any
4:44
pride merch ideas. But I made a shirt that says my
4:48
sexuality is Taylor Swift and I just got a notification
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yesterday that the design was cancelled because apparently
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that's copyright, which I guess makes sense.
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But I thought that was really fucking funny.
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Taylor Swift and her brand was like, we are not going to allow
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that. And obviously I doubt that
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Taylor Swift like team that they were even involved in that.
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I just think you can't sell products with her name on it.
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I guess that makes sense. Whatever.
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But yeah, that's my housekeeping.
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Let's get into the story. So some disclaimers.
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This is my realization story again, not my coming out story.
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And everyone's story is going to be very different.
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So if you are bi or you think you might be bi or queer or
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lesbian or sapphic or I don't know any of any title of the
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LGBTQ community, if your situation does not match up with
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mine, that has nothing to do with your sexuality, OK?
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People can like find out that they're gay in many, many
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different ways. So this is just my situation and
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I'm sharing it because I think that I had a lot of ideas of
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what it would be like to figure out you're gay.
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And obviously I didn't find out until I was 20.
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In my mind, I thought that that was later in life.
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It's not. It's pretty young, but I really
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didn't think I could be gay. I really didn't think I could
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be. So if you think that you might
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be, but like you're like, oh, I would know by now or would feel
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different than, you know, the standard cookie cutter situation
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where like you just know you're gay your entire life.
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If that's not you, you know, this could be your situation.
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I want to start the story from the moment it really started to
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click for me. So let me set the scene.
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It's sophomore year of my college.
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I'm going to William and Mary at this point in Southern Virginia,
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it is spring 2018. OK, at this point in this time
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in my life, I'm 20. I'm actively pursuing a major
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and a degree in gender studies, GSWS.
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It was called GSWS and it it stands for Gender Sexuality,
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Women's studies. I was also actively pursuing a
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guy I had a crush on, which RIP my gay best friend at the time
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literally used to say I was a quote gay man trapped in a
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woman's body. Now, I disagree with that and
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this idea in general that like, you know, straight women are, is
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a gay man trapped in a woman's body where it's like maybe
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you're just fun or you're gay. In my case, I was just a gay
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woman, literally. I remember the specific moment I
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started to consciously, not subconsciously but consciously
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think, am I queer? I didn't say queer.
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I think I just meant like I don't even know if I had like
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language for it. But I started to actively think
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like this is not straight behavior.
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Up until this point, everything I was experiencing or everything
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I was feeling that was gay was probably more subconscious.
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This is the point where I started like consciously
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thinking about my sexuality in a real way.
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So that's the background. It's spring formal.
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I'm in a sorority at this point and I'm going to my sorority
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formal with a bunch of my friends and a bunch of my gay
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friends too, right At this point, I think I'm straight.
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I didn't have a date. I didn't have a guy date.
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I had like my friend date at this time, we are walking to the
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function. It is outside.
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We are in heels, we are in dresses, right?
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It is spring formal seasons. There's a lot of other people
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going to like formals at this point and we're like seeing
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other people walk around with their dates in their heels.
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Whatever. I saw this girl that I was in a
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class with in one of my GSWS classes, which is so fucking
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funny actually. But yeah, she was in one of my
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classes. And I remember throughout the
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last few years of college, she was sometimes in my classes.
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And I think I like, paid attention to her and fixated on
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her. At the time, I think I thought
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that I was just like, jealous of her hair and her, like, look or
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like jealous of her clothes and her overall vibe.
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And I was just like, fixated on her.
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But really, I had a crush on her and I had literally no idea that
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I had a crush on her. I was just like, oh I like her
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vibe. Right up until this point,
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that's what I had thought my fixation meant.
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OK so I'm walking to the formal. I see her walking and holding
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hands with her date going to some other formal.
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Now I see her holding hands with this man man.
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And I think at the end of the day I think she was queer.
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I don't know, doesn't really matter.
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So I see her holding hands with a guy and I had the actual
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conscious thought when I saw this.
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I thought damn, like shoot, she's holding hands this guy.
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Like I was jealous that she was holding hands with this guy.
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And then I thought, wait, why am I upset that she's holding hands
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with this guy? Why would I be mad?
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I obviously did not want the guy.
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Why would I be annoyed that she's with this guy?
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What does that stop? It doesn't stop a friendship.
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And then I was like, Oh my God, am I interested in this girl?
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And it kind of sent me through a six month whirlwind where I
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started thinking about that a lot.
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And then I kind of like stopped thinking about it.
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And then I would think about it again.
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And like, you know, once you have that conscious thought,
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it's going to keep bugging you until you figure out why you're
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having those feelings. For me, it was because I was
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bisexual. I will continue on with how I
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really figured out that I was bisexual because after that, I
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wasn't like, oh, all of a sudden, like I'm bi.
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And I started telling people that's not it.
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I had a lot of internalized homophobia.
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I had a lot of compet, had a lot of religious trauma.
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Let's go back to my childhood because there's some clues here
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that all along I was bi and queer and I really just didn't
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know it. And it is so possible to not
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know it. I know a lot of other people
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share their stories and they're like, oh, like I was literally
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holding hands this girl all the time.
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Like that wasn't really my situation.
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It wasn't obvious at all. OK.
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It is so, so possible to have not had any conscious thoughts
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about your sexuality and still be by.
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It's so crazy how powerful, compact, internalize homophobia
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and like, especially when you live in a conservative or you
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grew up in like a religious environment, how much that
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affects your brain's ability to, like, understand yourself.
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And also, I kind of just thought that everyone had these
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feelings, right? That everyone was like looking
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at girls like that. OK.
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So I grew up in Northern Virginia in a Catholic
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environment. My family wasn't necessarily
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like, conservative. My nuclear family, part of my
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family is conservative. The other part is liberal, but
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like, just overall very Catholic.
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I went to a Catholic school up until eighth grade.
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That Catholic environment definitely, you know, made me
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who I am. I think that like, I have very
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strong family values and like I am very passionate about keeping
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my friends, my long time friends in my life, which are like great
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things to pull from a Catholic school environment.
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But there's also things that are not so great right with this,
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like demonization of sexuality and understanding your own
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sexuality and body. That was very no, no off limits
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and not even just off limits, but like it was not even talked
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about. So because it wasn't talked
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about, it was like filled with shame.
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I mean, we can go into maybe I'll do a whole other episode on
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like Catholicism, but that environment was affecting my
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brain and affecting my ability to like, question and understand
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how I viewed myself because I never like, questioned my own
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sexual thoughts because that wasn't ever taught to me.
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Like, I wasn't even thinking about that.
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So there was no conscious thoughts I was having really
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about desire probably until high school.
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I obviously knew I had crushes on guys, but I wasn't
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questioning why or how or you know what I mean?
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There was just not really much brain activity.
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It was just like, I have a crush on a guy, I wanted a boyfriend,
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that kind of thing. I wasn't like, why do I like him
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and not others? None of that.
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We didn't even really talk about gay people.
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It was such a hush hush. No, no conversation that like I
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didn't even have the ability to wonder or really ask questions
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because we were never like told about gay people and obviously
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we weren't seeing it on TVI was born in 1997, so the early 2000s
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I was seeing like there was no ability for me to like
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understand what a gay person was.
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It was not really told to me until my mom's friend came over
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one day. I can't even remember how old I
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was, maybe like 6 or 7. It could have been 10 I have
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literally no idea. But she came and she brought her
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partner and she was like Butch looking mass looking lesbian.
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They were lesbians. My mom said this is Blank's
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partner so I had really no reference point for that.
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What I do remember thinking is like, that's weird and that's
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not my mom's fault. My mom never said like, oh,
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she's weird for that. She just said partner.
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But of course I'd never heard of lesbians before and I thought
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anything but having a husband is weird.
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So I was kind of like disgusted, which is so sad.
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But like that's kind of how I was.
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I remember thinking like, OK, that's shameful.
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That's quiet because we're saying partner and not like
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girlfriend. It felt like a hush hush thing,
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right? To like not really bring up I
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also think that I was probably scared of even thinking about
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that because maybe deep down I like knew that I resonated with
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that. It's hard to know.
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My piano teacher also was definitely queer.
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It doesn't even really matter if she's queer because I had so
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much gay panic when I was around her.
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She was probably a little bit more mask looking and I
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definitely had not even necessarily like a crush, but
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like definitely like a fixation and like a curiosity about like
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why she looked like that, I guess.
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And probably because subconsciously I knew that I was
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queer and I didn't really want to try to understand that
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because it would mean a lot for me, right?
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It would change a lot about my life.
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But my piano teacher, I ran into her in public on a hike with my
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mom and I ran away screaming and crying.
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Just my reaction to seeing her was not normal.
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And I think that I had like, so much gay panic and, like, fear
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about what that meant for me, that I or even just being around
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someone that, like, could confuse me was just a lot for
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me, I guess. So those were some pivotal
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childhood experiences that looking back, I'm like, Oh my
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God, you know, you go through your life thinking, oh, this is
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such straight behavior. And then like, once you realize
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you're gay, you can start putting puzzle pieces together.
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In my childhood, elementary school and middle school, I had
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crushes on girls but didn't really know it.
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In the same way I was saying that I had a fixation on this
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girl from class in college, I had these fixations never on my
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close friends. Those were very much like my
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friends. And once I came out as bi, that
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was a huge fear that I had that my friends would think that I
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like was creepy or had crushes on them and stuff like that.
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And like, if you do, that's not weird, but it's like like a hard
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experience when you like find out that you're bi, that you're
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so afraid that your friends are going to think that you're
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creepy. It's a pivotal experience for
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anyone that comes out as a queer will.
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But in elementary school, middle school, I had these like,
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fixations and girls that I didn't really know.
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So like, kind of like lingeringly looking at them.
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Again, I thought this was all jealousy.
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And it was very much like vibe focus and aesthetic focus.
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I remember being like, oh, I just like, love her whole vibe.
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And it's like, no, I don't want that vibe.
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I want to be with her. I did not have the brain power
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or ability to understand what that meant.
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I had no reference point to understand understand that I
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could have a crush on a girl. If that was a dude, I would have
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been like, oh, I want to date him.
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And I would have been pining after him, right?
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Because like in middle school, I was very focused on wanting a
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boyfriend. I was so boy obsessed and boy
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crazy. And this is a very common
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experience for queer women specifically to kind of be so
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obsessed and like boy crazed. And it's very much compact,
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right? You're playing them up more into
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an idea than they are as a person.
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And that was very much my experience.
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I was like, definitely dreaming about and journaling about these
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guys, but I didn't actually like, get that close to them.
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I never had a crush on a guy that I knew very well.
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It was very much like romantic played up, you know very classic
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compat experience. If you guys don't know what
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compat means compat is short for compulsory heterosexuality and
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quote it refers this is Google AI refers to the societal
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pressure to conform heteronormative expectations,
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particularly for individuals who identify as lesbian or otherwise
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non heterosexual. So because heteronormative
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society and especially conservative religious
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environments are very straight focused and like I was told you
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can either be a priest or you can be married and have
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children. That was the ultimate goal as a
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woman, specifically for women. So I was so focused on having
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this love story. I mean, I also saw it in movies
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and the Prince and the Princess, like that was my whole dream.
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And I wanted to feel desired. So I would obsess over these
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guys and I wanted them to want me.
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And this kind of goes into my high school experience too, but
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I didn't actually know them very well.
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So I think you can have compat and not be a lesbian.
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I think that there are some guys that I did have real feelings
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for. I think it's also hard to know,
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you know, but a lot of these crushes I had were because of
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the societal, you know, pressure and norms of girls falling in
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love and that story being pushed on my little brain.
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And that's all my brain could, like, understand.
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It was like, Oh my God, I'm in love with this away, right.
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And it's kind of a good sign to know that you might be queer is
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trying to figure out like when did you actually have real
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feelings? Sometimes it's really hard to
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distinguish. And I think it's possible to
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have real feelings and have compound at the same time.
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It's really complicated. But a lot of my obsessiveness
19:55
and boy craziness, I think was my subconscious desire to feel
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like I fit in and then I like. Was just like everyone else.
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I also felt like different than everyone else.
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Not in the way that I thought that I liked women or that I was
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queer at all, but more like I felt like I wanted this
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boyfriend so badly. This is like elementary school,
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middle school, and I felt like I wanted someone to want me so
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badly to like feel like I fit in and I felt like I was lacking
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that. And then when a boy would like
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me, I'd be like, EW, right? Do we see how this is kind of
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queer? Not every time there were
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specific boys that I wanted and if anyone else liked me, I was
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like EW. But maybe I think looking back,
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a lot of the guys I liked, they're the ones that maybe
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didn't want me back. Do we see the pattern?
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I also this time did have crushes on fictional female
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characters and didn't know it. I was obsessed with aquamarine
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and like the mermaid and aquamarine.
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I'm very much like Taylor Swift where like I think I was
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attracted to someone that looked like me, Karlie Kloss and Taylor
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Swift. But also my type expanded when I
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like realized that I was queer. I was really obsessed with the
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main Princess from Swan Lake or sorry the main Princess from the
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Swan Princess and the guy but probably more just the Princess
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girl and that character. Like I loved that movie and did
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not realize it was because I loved the Princess so much.
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Again, all of this I really did not know until I came out.
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Like even when I was taking GSWS classes and like having queer
21:39
friends and talking about feminism and sexuality, none of
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it hit for me. It takes so much work to like
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unlearn a lot of the things that we learned his children, OK,
21:50
moving into high school. I think that my obsession with
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guys was the same and I was very much focused on the guy liking
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me and getting the male attention more than I was with
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like actually liking a guy. I wanted the drama of it all,
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right? I didn't even really want a
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boyfriend. I think.
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I think I more so just wanted male attention and male
22:14
validation, which we all want. Again, this like compact
22:18
experience parents bled into high school, but when I was
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becoming more feminist and more outspoken, I also was just like
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interested in less men. So there's only very few men
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that I was at. Well, men is a strong word, boys
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that I was actually interested in a lot of them that didn't
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want me back. And that's maybe why I wanted
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them, right? Or that they wanted they wanted
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me, but they didn't like want a future.
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And that was perfect because at no point in this time and also
22:49
in college was I ever, ever dating a guy and thinking I want
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a future with them. Which is so funny.
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This is definitely very similar to a lesbian's perspective.
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And again, who knows if I'm a lesbian right now, I'm bi.
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I can go into it later. But like, why I think I'm bi and
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not a lesbian? I do think I had real feelings
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for some guys at some points in my life, but I don't think I
23:17
ever really wanted the traditional marriage Once I got
23:23
into like high school, I knew that I didn't want to be like a
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stay at home mom and like be in this like traditional marriage,
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right? So I don't think I was like
23:32
focused on a man for a marriage. So I think that kind of informs
23:36
my experience too. I really liked the chaos and the
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drama. And a lot of the times, I think
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in high school and college, I was dating these guys because I
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was excited for like the story of it all.
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It gives very much The Bolter by Taylor Swift.
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And I do actually an entire debrief on how I think the
23:55
bolter is like a compact anthem on my Patreon.
23:59
So go watch that if you haven't already.
24:01
But I was very much focused on the chaos and the chase, and I
24:06
wanted to tell my friends about it after my girlfriends,
24:11
specifically gay. If any of this sounds familiar
24:14
to you, you guys are probably queer in some way.
24:18
And that's very exciting because queer people are, I'm so sorry,
24:22
hot take to the straight people listening to this.
24:24
Queer people are cooler. Being marginalized makes you
24:29
funny. Being marginalized like gives
24:31
you an interesting perspective and that inherently makes you
24:34
cooler. Oh, sorry.
24:35
I did have a lot of like girlfriends at the time, but I
24:38
think my brain made a very clear distinction between like who my
24:42
actual friends were and who like I could have subconscious
24:45
crushes on. Again, at this time I never
24:48
actually thought I was queer in high school.
24:50
I was like very passionate about gay rights but forgot and maybe
24:55
just didn't have enough representation for lesbians.
24:58
The only thought I had about lesbians is that they were like
25:01
all butches. I didn't know you could be a
25:03
femme lesbian or a femme by person little.
25:06
I mean, I didn't even know about by people until college,
25:08
straight up. So I was like a super huge ally,
25:12
but I never thought that I was one because I was like, I'm like
25:16
this blonde girly girl, I can't be gay.
25:19
And I didn't actually have that thought.
25:20
But that was my subconscious thinking.
25:22
I never ever clicked for me that I could be gay ever in my mind.
25:28
Like, the gay people were kind of the weird ones.
25:30
And I wanted to stand up for that, which is so fucked up.
25:33
And it's not true. But like, I was very passionate
25:35
about gay rights, but I was like, that's not me, though,
25:37
right? I still had so much internalized
25:39
homophobia. There were certain girlfriends
25:42
that I had that, like, we became inseparable kind of out of
25:46
nowhere. And then it ended in a very
25:50
dramatic way. And I was realizing only a few
25:53
years ago that I had had these almost platonic girlfriends, and
25:59
we almost had, like, these breakups.
26:01
It was like replicating a relationship, like a gay
26:04
relationship but without any, like, actual romance or, like,
26:10
sexual relationship. Yeah.
26:12
It's just giving very queer to be like, having these
26:15
relationships that kind of come out of nowhere.
26:19
And you guys are both like, oh, my God.
26:20
We like, liked each other. And so that we're friends now.
26:22
And then like there was a fight and then we never talked again.
26:26
That's called a relationship, babe.
26:28
And that was exactly what I was experiencing in high school and
26:31
also kind of moved into college as well.
26:33
I also remember having the legit thought in high school and it
26:38
was like after his watching some music video about like, I don't
26:42
even remember. And I said, wow, I'm so
26:45
straight. I could never be gay.
26:47
Why was I even thinking about that in 2015?
26:51
No one was asking me, are you gay?
26:53
I like these thoughts that I was having of like, of course I'm
26:58
straight. Of course I'm straight.
27:00
Where my conscious brains attempt at trying to figure out
27:04
my sexuality. But never was I like, could I be
27:07
gay? It was just more like, I'm so
27:09
straight. I'm so straight.
27:10
And it's like, yeah, you can like guys and girls at the same
27:14
time. That idea did not click for me.
27:18
Didn't know that I could do that.
27:20
OK, let's move into college. This is where things get
27:23
interesting, right? I had a very similar experience
27:26
when I was dating men. I didn't really like that many.
27:30
There's only a few that I was like very much interested in.
27:34
And again, I think it was the ones that were emotionally
27:37
unavailable. I never really got too close or
27:40
too vulnerable with them. I never really wanted to be
27:43
vulnerable with them. I actually like had this real
27:48
idea that I wanted to have multiple marriages and then like
27:52
never really commit to them. So gay.
27:55
I also think I felt kind of behind because I had only had
27:59
like one real relationship and I was like dating guys, but they
28:04
weren't like my boyfriend. I'd only had like one
28:06
relationship at this point going into college.
28:09
And so I think I felt behind and different, but I think the
28:12
reason why is because I never wanted to actually date these
28:18
guys. And I was so focused on men
28:21
dating me and men liking me compet that I was never thinking
28:25
about like, wait, do I like this guy?
28:29
And I never made room for thinking about my sexuality in
28:33
general or questioning that. I only started doing that once I
28:36
really started making gay friends and like taking LGBTQ
28:41
classes. And even then I didn't know it's
28:45
crazy. And I did like Diffmo, my dance
28:49
floor make out, my girlfriends. But of course, it was like so
28:53
standard for girls in college to do that.
28:56
And it was like very much for the male gaze.
28:58
The benefit of being like a girl gay is like even though you're
29:01
fetishized for, you know, being with girls and like so much with
29:07
like how men treat lesbians and gay girls and how you're just
29:12
viewed as like an object and like over sexual but not really
29:15
validly gay. All of this stuff.
29:17
The only real benefit of this is that you're able to kind of
29:20
explore your sexuality without demonization.
29:24
When 2 girls are making out at a party in college, no one's going
29:29
to be like, oh, wait, she's gay. No one cares.
29:33
And guys are like, Oh my God, hot.
29:34
But like you can kind of use that as a queer girl, even
29:38
subconsciously or not, to kind of feel like, do I like this
29:41
right now? At this point in college,
29:43
because I went to a liberal arts school, I was making friends
29:46
with so many different types of people, which was so important
29:48
to me. Like the high school, I became
29:50
so much more progressive. Like I said, I was like becoming
29:53
a feminist. It's because I didn't go to a
29:56
Catholic High School, which is so important for my growth.
29:58
I can't imagine how much longer it would have taking me to
30:01
figure out I was queer if I hadn't gone to a public high
30:04
school and if I hadn't gone to a liberal arts college.
30:08
But like, I was making friends with gay people for the first
30:10
time in my life. I was making trans friends.
30:13
And I was, like, majoring in gender studies.
30:15
I was, like, taking all these classes, opening up my mind.
30:17
And I was, like, felt very progressive for other people.
30:21
But I didn't really allow that openness for myself.
30:25
And at this point, I was in a sorority.
30:27
And although it was a, you know, diverse sorority, obviously
30:32
there's limitations. Like sororities are never going
30:34
to be like as diverse as they should be.
30:38
And I like had gay friends, I had trans friends and I had
30:42
straight friends. But I got to be honest, I didn't
30:44
really know many bi people and I didn't really realize that,
30:49
like, you could be bi or lesbian and fam because the lesbians
30:54
that I did know weren't really fam.
30:56
That just like informed my own ability to understand myself.
31:01
Also, at this time, there was not really much queer media.
31:04
There weren't many like bi or lesbian characters on TV.
31:07
And if there were, there were very few.
31:09
And I wasn't watching them early on in college, like 2016 to
31:13
2018. So like I was not really
31:16
realizing that I could be one of them.
31:19
You know, I was thinking like I'm friends with all these gays
31:22
and I love them, but like, I didn't really know that I don't
31:26
really know many bisexuals. I didn't know that I could be
31:28
bisexual and I also didn't know many femmes, right?
31:31
It's so important to have representation.
31:34
I started to watch like some of these Youtubes of of like girls
31:38
coming out and literally the first time I ever saw a femme
31:43
lesbian was Kami Scott and her YouTube video, which not to brag
31:48
guys, but like me and Kami, I mean maybe friends.
31:51
Maybe she wouldn't say that I'm her friend, but I met her in LA
31:55
and we've hung out a few times like at these like lesbian
31:57
parties as like a college kid. That was the first time I really
32:03
saw a femme lesbian. And I think maybe started to
32:06
subconsciously kind of unlearn this idea of what a lesbian is
32:11
and like what a queer girl could look like.
32:14
She was like blonde and I was blonde and like, fat man, the
32:17
girly girl. And I was like, wait a minute.
32:19
So I started to kind of watch these videos, not even really
32:23
consciously thinking that I had anything to do with this, but
32:27
just out of curiosity, right? A lot of my gay friends had
32:31
known for their whole lives and we're very comfortable in their
32:35
sexuality at this point, or at least to my knowledge.
32:37
I was subconsciously thinking and how many times am I going to
32:40
say subconscious in this podcast that like I would know by now.
32:45
I would of course know by now if I was gay.
32:48
And a few months before, I had this, like, click moment with
32:52
this girl for my class. I remember having that actual
32:56
conscious thought of like, I'm not gay.
32:58
I would know. And like, I take LGBTQ classes.
33:01
I have all these gay friends. Like, I'm progressive.
33:05
And I think if this is resonating with you right now,
33:08
you could be gay too. You don't have to have known
33:11
since you were four or five. And I think that's a very
33:14
limiting conservative belief. And I understand why the gay
33:19
community has kind of pushed that too, because it helps
33:22
conservatives understand gay people like, oh, we've always
33:26
been this way, We're Born This Way.
33:28
It's like, yes, I do believe I was born by I don't think I like
33:31
learn to be gay as I became progressive.
33:34
However, you don't have to have known since you were a kid in
33:39
order to be valid at all. And I think that that's a very
33:43
common experience, especially when you are bi or you have a
33:46
lot of compet. Because I was so focused on my
33:49
attraction and like wanting men that I didn't or boys that I
33:54
didn't even think. I didn't even have time to
33:56
question my sexuality. I just like, didn't think about
34:00
it, you know? And my brain didn't have the
34:03
tools in order to like understand that or be able to
34:07
think about it in that deep way. And at this point, even though I
34:12
was like very educated and learning so much and like open
34:17
minded when it came to other people, I still had so much
34:20
Catholic trauma and compact that was holding my own brain back in
34:25
order for my own self discovery. And I would have told you I
34:28
didn't because so much of this has to be unlearned and it takes
34:32
so much time, and you have to like, really, really do the
34:38
work. But I think that, like, the lack
34:40
of media made it so hard for me to figure it out.
34:43
And of course, the Catholic trauma and the compet and all of
34:46
that, right? And then, of course, came the
34:48
moment that it started to click, which was that moment of me
34:51
seeing that girl holding hands to the guy and realizing that I
34:54
was jealous because I wanted to be with her.
34:57
And after that, I kind of barely thought about again until a few
35:01
months later, guys, I started an internship at the National LGBTQ
35:06
Task Force. Isn't that rich?
35:08
I, at this point, thought I was straight.
35:11
I'd had that thought about that girl, but it hadn't actually
35:13
turned into, you know, my understanding of my own identity
35:17
at all. So at this point, I thought I
35:19
was straight. I'm working at the National
35:21
LGBTQ We Do task Force as a communications intern and in DC
35:28
because again, I was a huge ally, which red flag?
35:31
Not red flag, but green flag to know that you're queer.
35:34
If you're such a big ally and you're so focused on the queer
35:37
community. And of course you can be a
35:39
straight ally, but like a lot of gay people I know, we're very
35:42
passionate about gay rights. Before they came out, I know I
35:46
very much was. And of course this is my major
35:49
too. So this is like where I was
35:51
going to send my career and it is right.
35:55
So I started this internship. There was a group of like 5 to 8
36:01
interns with me and a lot of them were law fellows, OK?
36:06
And they were all queer of varying identities.
36:09
And I, I knew that I was straight.
36:12
But when we went around the table and introduced ourselves,
36:15
we all like said our pronouns and a lot of them said like
36:18
their identities. And the National LGBT Task
36:22
Force, by the way, an amazing organization.
36:25
It is majority black woman. It was when I worked there at
36:29
least. Not sure what their staff is
36:30
like now, but it's an amazing organization.
36:33
The first day I worked there, the Supreme Court announced the
36:37
decision for the Masterpiece Cake decision, and I had to go
36:40
down to the Supreme Court and like film a protest.
36:42
It was crazy. They do great work.
36:44
So anyways, not sponsored. Of course, as always, I'm not
36:48
sponsored until one day. Listen, I'm taking sponsors.
36:53
If you want to sponsor me, let me know.
36:55
I had this novel idea within a few minutes of us going around
36:59
this table of introducing ourselves to other interns that
37:03
I would pretend I was by, Pretend I was by to fit in and
37:09
to not be the one straight one. And that was literally my brains
37:15
way of feeling safe with this identity.
37:19
So I pretended like I was bi to fit in, which this is me
37:22
literally testing how this feels to be queer, which is so fucking
37:28
hilarious. I started to really like that
37:31
label and seeing how everyone else in the task force didn't
37:35
bat an eye at me saying I was bi.
37:38
I was like, this feels good. I like feeling like this.
37:42
I like being a part of this community, and I felt
37:46
comfortable in that label and then identity.
37:49
So this summer really was when I was like actively realizing I
37:53
was queer a few months before was that moment with that girl
37:58
walking into formal. And I think that was like the
38:01
catalyst. And now I was like really in
38:04
this like mental journey. I didn't really tell anyone at
38:07
this point. I remember researching at my
38:09
work desk, which was so stupid because like they could see my
38:13
history that I was like researching like, can you be by
38:17
but not actually want to date girls?
38:19
I think that's a lot of the journey for a lot of bye girls.
38:25
And if you are in that journey right now, first of all, I think
38:28
most people think that that's what they want, but it's not
38:32
really. I thought I was just like
38:34
attracted to girls, but I didn't actually want a romantic
38:38
connection. And I think a lot of that comes
38:41
down to internalized homophobia. I couldn't yet visualize myself
38:44
spending my life with a woman or visualize myself having an
38:48
actual relationship. And again, I think that's
38:50
because I couldn't understand that yet.
38:53
My brain couldn't get there yet. So if you're there just like,
38:56
give yourself some time. And there also might be a lot of
38:59
people that that's really their identity.
39:02
But for me, that was just like a stepping stone.
39:05
So like, I think very shortly after that, a few months later,
39:10
I was like, oh, wait, no, I could have relationships with
39:13
women for sure. But yeah, I was like researching
39:16
things. I was like trying to look this
39:17
up. I was taking gay quizzes, and I
39:19
had taken gay quizzes in college.
39:21
And it said that I was straight because I was fucking lying.
39:24
Or if it said that I was gay, I was like, close the laptop.
39:28
And I was like, anyways, none of that was conscious until this
39:31
summer. And then I was like, very
39:34
consciously thinking about this a lot.
39:37
At this point I also had started to have a crush on my Co worker
39:42
who is queer and I was like fascinated and fixated on this
39:47
crush. I think because my brain felt
39:49
safe enough to think about it because again, my brain thought
39:52
I was pretending to be by it felt like it was able to explore
39:59
what this crush could be like without actually thinking that
40:03
which it what my brain was actually thinking that.
40:07
But it's just so funny because like.
40:09
I obviously did have a crush on my Co worker but I thought that
40:14
it was me pretending to be BI which it wasn't.
40:17
Guys at this point I also turned my dating apps onto girls.
40:22
Major move. I never actually went on a date
40:26
with a girl this summer but I was just like figuring out like
40:29
OK I'm actually attracted to a lot of these girls.
40:32
I thought for some reason I was only attracted to like celebrity
40:35
girls. And then of course, quickly once
40:38
I turned my dating apps onto girls, girls and like seeing
40:41
these girls in these dating apps, I was like, oh, I could be
40:43
interested in her. I could be interested in her.
40:44
I could be interested in her. And like, your brand's like,
40:48
wait, OK, I think I'm bi, right? So then at this point I'm like,
40:52
OK, I'm bi. I started telling like some of
40:56
my best friends, they were super chill about this.
40:59
But again, I still had so much internalized homophobia.
41:02
And this is what I mean, we're like, the journey of this is
41:04
very hard. OK, Just stick with it.
41:06
It takes a long time to get to a good place and of course I still
41:12
have moments of internalized homophobia.
41:14
I was still very self-conscious at this time about it and it
41:17
also kind of convinced myself that I was a liar.
41:20
I had a lot of imposter syndrome.
41:22
I was like am I doing this for attention even though I had only
41:24
told like 2 friends and like my Co workers and it obviously
41:28
wasn't for attention it was because it was really how I
41:31
felt. I literally remember thinking
41:34
like OK if I wake up one day and I realize that I've been lying
41:37
this entire time that I'm straight and that day has never
41:39
come. So I didn't lie it was just like
41:42
my brains way of trying to feel safe understanding what my
41:47
identity could be. I also subconsciously thought
41:50
that LGBTQ task force is just turning me gay, which again, is
41:54
this like Catholic conservative way of thinking that my brain
41:59
still held onto and it's not true.
42:01
It didn't turn me gay. I was always fascinated with the
42:04
queer community. When I really started thinking
42:06
about like what type of girls that I was interested in, I was
42:10
realizing that I was interested in femmes.
42:12
This has changed. Once I, you know, got
42:15
comfortable in my sexuality, my brain only felt comfortable
42:18
feeling attracted to femmes because that was like the
42:21
societal norm, if that makes sense.
42:25
But when I was thinking about being with another femme girl, I
42:29
was having this internalized homophobia and kind of like
42:32
gender anxiety, if that makes sense, because of like the
42:36
homophobic idea that like every lesbian relationship has to have
42:40
like a man and a woman in it. Super fucking homophobic.
42:44
But of course, this is like stuck in my subconscious brain.
42:47
Internalized homophobia. Again, I was thinking, wait, if
42:50
I'm into a femme girl, then like I'm masculine.
42:56
And then I started feeling gross about myself.
42:59
I started thinking like we I don't like feeling manly that I
43:03
mean, my identity is so femme that like of course I was having
43:07
anxiety about that and like almost dysphoria because I was
43:10
like, wait, I'm not masculine. But then I quickly realized and
43:14
I slowly got out of that and try as homophobia, feeling
43:17
comfortable with the idea of like No2 fems could be together
43:21
and looking up queer media and like seeing other femme couples
43:26
was like, OK, OK, like it's hard without representation, right?
43:31
And then I was also like, if I'm not into masked girls, like I'm
43:35
used to being like the smaller girly one, If I'm not into mass
43:39
girls, like, what is my role? And I was just going through a
43:44
lot of thoughts trying to like, reconfigure what relationships
43:48
are and without the patriarchy assigning these roles, right?
43:53
It took a lot of brain power to kind of like, understand it all
43:57
And also like realizing your type and realizing even if you
44:01
have a type, which I realize I don't really have a type.
44:04
I have multiple types, I think, if that makes sense.
44:07
It takes time. So like, if you're very new to
44:10
figuring out your sexuality, don't think whatever you're
44:12
thinking is permanent. It's probably not permanent.
44:16
It's just the process that your brain is taking to like
44:18
understand yourself and like trying to get rid of these stale
44:23
old beliefs that like you're told from a very young age about
44:27
society and about how relationships work.
44:30
Junior year of college, I think I started to feel like cool in
44:34
myself and my identity and going back to a college campus really
44:38
helped because my college campus is very queer or was I think
44:43
it's very queer and like diverse at the time felt very much so
44:47
and I felt like cool. I was like wait being by and
44:50
being queer is cool. Did not hurt that I had a lot of
44:53
gay friends and like was, you know, majoring in LGBTQ studies.
44:57
So I started to feel really good about my identity at this point
45:00
after I came out. And then I started coming out to
45:02
other people, which I will share in another episode and how that
45:05
all went. But I think after that, you
45:09
know, you go through phases. You go through stages of how you
45:11
feel about your sexuality. It takes a lot to like almost be
45:15
healed from the compat and internalize homophobia.
45:18
I'm not fully out of that inner work.
45:21
It takes being around so many queer people and like watching
45:25
queer media. My sorority also slowly started
45:29
being by. I really do feel like it was me
45:32
because I started coming out to like my friends and a lot of
45:35
them were like realizing that they were by and like in the
45:38
last few years of my college experience, things got very
45:41
good. I do think I'm by and not a
45:43
lesbian. There have been many times where
45:46
I've thought, wait, maybe I'm a lesbian.
45:49
I think my general thoughts on this for now are who's to know?
45:54
And honestly sexuality is fluid. But also I don't really care to
45:59
know right now, mostly because like I know that I'm into women
46:04
and I have a girlfriend and we will be together.
46:08
So it's like what's like I know I'm into women.
46:12
The question is, am I into men? And it's hard to know.
46:15
I know that I was interested in a few of the men I was with, I
46:20
think, but also once you're in a long term relationship with a
46:24
woman, it is so different and like there's so much
46:27
understanding and connection there that I don't think I had
46:31
ever had with a man that it's hard to remember what that was
46:35
like. Now being in a relationship with
46:36
a woman. I know that I'm attracted to men
46:39
and I do think that that makes me bisexual.
46:42
I don't think I would ever have the same romantic feelings I
46:46
have towards a man, so that's why I think I'm bi.
46:48
If anything, I'm more bi curious.
46:50
And the curious is not towards women.
46:52
The curious is towards men. Not that I'm actually curious
46:54
towards them, but I just don't know if I'm into men.
46:59
I think it's important for representation for by people and
47:02
for by women that not all by women are dating men.
47:06
And if you were a bi woman and you aren't actually in a
47:11
relationship, I would recommend dating a woman and like actually
47:16
giving energy and attention towards dating a woman.
47:19
It is perhaps harder to find women because you know, men want
47:25
anything that breathes. So yes it's harder.
47:28
But once you're in the relationship, I think it's
47:30
easier and better By women don't necessarily date men or marry
47:35
men. Like by women can marry women.
47:37
And I don't want to just say I'm a lesbian just because I get
47:42
called a lesbian. And we need to remember that.
47:45
Like just because you're marrying a woman doesn't mean
47:47
you're a lesbian. Identify our relationship, me
47:51
and Sophia's relationship as being a lesbian relationship, if
47:54
that makes sense. But I don't personally identify
47:57
as a lesbian. And just because you date a
47:59
woman doesn't mean you're a lesbian.
48:01
Just because you date a man doesn't mean you're straight,
48:03
right? I also commonly refer to myself
48:05
as gay, sapphic, queer. I don't hate when people call me
48:10
a lesbian, but that's just like, not my identity, you know what I
48:13
mean? I think at least for now, who
48:15
knows? And if like you're trying to
48:17
figure out your sexuality, here's my advice to you.
48:20
You have to want to understand yourself.
48:23
I think a lot of the times people think that they're going
48:25
to figure out that they're gay and it's just going to slap them
48:28
in the face. My understanding and like that
48:31
point that it, you know, the catalyst point of me seeing that
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girl holding the guy's hand, that didn't come from nothing.
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I had already been, like, surrounding myself with gay
48:40
people. I was actively studying queer
48:43
history, and it still was a surprise to me.
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So you do have to want to understand yourself and, like,
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dig so deep to try to understand your own identity and sexuality.
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And we're all born into a patriarchal, homophobic society.
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So it's going to take a lot of time to unpack.
49:01
You can also try my trick where you go a week and you think I am
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bi and you pretend you're bi and see how that feels.
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Worked for me. That's my story, feel free to
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ask me any questions, I'm literally an open book.
49:13
Hope you guys have an amazing week and reminder to join my
49:15
Patreon and subscribe so you get that bonus content in early
49:18
episodes. OK.
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Love you guys. See you next week.