Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Doing Our Family Road Trip Intro (Pt. 2) | Ep. 69

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Doing Our Family Road Trip Intro (Pt. 2) | Ep. 69 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:06
  Hi, and welcome to the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:10
  I'm your host Cheryl Lang, and today the recording team Ellen Christie, and me continue with the conversation.
• 0:17
  We started last time on our introduction to a series we're going to be doing about what would our parenting road trip look like through each of the different seasons, all the way through our parenting from beginning to end.
• 0:31
  We talked more sort of philosophically last time.
• 0:34
  Destination versus journey mindset.
• 0:37
  And then today we talk more about what it's really like when you're actually on that journey, no matter where your family is right now.
• 0:46
  And we share from our own struggles and joys as well.
• 0:51
  Now I'm gonna rewind just a little bit to get us back on the road where we were.
• 1:01
  CHERYL: Dr.
• 1:01
  CHERYL: Kelly Stevens, a number of episodes ago, introduced this idea of having a road trip in parenting.
• 1:07
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 1:08
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 1:08
  CHERYL: And you know, and he's developed that and we've talked about it and I thought it'd be really good for us to come back and develop this concept some more, and particularly, Walk through the different seasons of parenting.
• 1:22
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 1:22
  CHERYL: Right.
• 1:22
  CHERYL: You know, and so what would the Road trip look like for our youngers and our middles?
• 1:28
  CHERYL: And then certainly the releasing and Yes.
• 1:31
  CHERYL: Right.
• 1:31
  CHERYL: You know, we're still on that journey when they've released into a young adulthood.
• 1:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:35
  Christie: Right.
• 1:35
  Christie: Yeah.
• 1:36
  CHERYL: So how about if we do that and, and just kind of break it down mm-hmm.
• 1:40
  CHERYL: and um, here, Lay some kind of general conversation about it, and then let's go through the seasons.
• 1:47
  CHERYL: I'm listening to this and I'm thinking, what do y'all think?
• 1:51
  CHERYL: I see a difference between the journey versus the destination.
• 1:55
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 1:55
  CHERYL: Cuz we said, Lynn, what if we said we need to be kind of bifocal in our lenses Yes.
• 2:02
  CHERYL: Oh yeah that maybe.
• 2:04
  CHERYL: That the journey lens is the how and the what the regular everyday thing.
• 2:11
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 2:12
  CHERYL: and the destination lens is our big heart set of where we're headed for, um, in our children's flourishing
• 2:20
  Ellen: yeah, that's good.
• 2:22
  Christie: When I'm around little ones, my nieces or nephews or friends kids, I'm realizing now at this point of parenting, and I've got my last one almost through high school, and I'm realizing so many times that I didn't enjoy the journey because I was so.
• 2:36
  Christie: Wrapped up and panicked in the moment of how are we gonna get to this next season?
• 2:40
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:40
  Christie: Or, gosh, it'll be so much easier when this one sleeps through the night, or this one's in, you know, this school grade or whatever.
• 2:47
  Christie: The, the next season just seemed to be so much easier all the time.
• 2:50
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:51
  Christie: And now when I'm with little ones, I'm like, oh, I miss that.
• 2:55
  Christie: I remember that.
• 2:56
  Christie: The joys that came with each age, where you don't always soak those up if you're so focused on the next
• 3:01
  CHERYL: thing.
• 3:02
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 3:03
  CHERYL: Also, think of anxiety, worry.
• 3:06
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 3:07
  CHERYL: when I have these.
• 3:08
  CHERYL: in my own life now, if I can have a destination journey balance with that.
• 3:14
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 3:14
  CHERYL: it just, that brings joy to it.
• 3:17
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 3:17
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 3:17
  CHERYL: To enjoy what I'm doing, but also it gives me purpose.
• 3:21
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 3:22
  CHERYL: because if I'm, again, meandering through North Dakota, right.
• 3:26
  CHERYL: I don't ever get where I'm going and that's frustrating.
• 3:28
  CHERYL: But if I'm speeding past, I'll miss those flowers.
• 3:31
  CHERYL: Right.
• 3:31
  CHERYL: So I, I really like these two things.
• 3:34
  CHERYL: And as you are talking, I'm thinking actually, when we call it a parenting roadmap.
• 3:42
  CHERYL: The roadmap is really for me.
• 3:43
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 3:44
  CHERYL: Correct.
• 3:44
  CHERYL: You know?
• 3:45
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 3:45
  CHERYL: You know, rather than something I'm doing to my children.
• 3:48
  CHERYL: Right.
• 3:49
  CHERYL: It's my mindset, my view as a parent, right.
• 3:53
  CHERYL: As I'm loving and working with my kids, rather than a way to fix my kids to get right where what I want them to be at them.
• 3:59
  CHERYL: And I helps you to
• 3:59
  Ellen: remember in the midst of chaos, oh, this is where I'm heading.
• 4:03
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 4:03
  Ellen: Right.
• 4:04
  Ellen: The.
• 4:04
  Ellen: Is here, but we're working towards
• 4:07
  Christie: this.
• 4:07
  Christie: Well, and I think it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I am growing alongside of my children.
• 4:15
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:15
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:15
  Christie: You know, I, I just felt this pressure to have it all figured out from the beginning, like, now I have a child, I have to be a fully grown Yes.
• 4:21
  Christie: Developed adult.
• 4:23
  Christie: Yes.
• 4:23
  Christie: And I'm just realizing, no, I'm just about 19 years ahead of them, That's about it.
• 4:27
  Christie: You know?
• 4:28
  Christie: And at the beginning that seemed like a lifetime because it was my lifetime.
• 4:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:32
  Christie: But I am developing along with them on this journey, and so, and we never
• 4:38
  Ellen: talk about that.
• 4:38
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 4:39
  Ellen: because you are growing, you've never been a parent before.
• 4:42
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 4:43
  Ellen: everything's new, but somehow we've all gotten the idea, most parents that we're supposed to know what to do.
• 4:49
  CHERYL: Right.
• 4:49
  CHERYL: Well, and I agree with you because and this is where it's not like a roadmap where we can say, you know, Lexington comes before Whitehurst comes before the next city.
• 5:00
  CHERYL: everything is a new and different time.
• 5:02
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 5:02
  CHERYL: You know, um, I've never been this old before.
• 5:06
  CHERYL: I've never had children this age or the Yes.
• 5:09
  CHERYL: Interaction of my children or the change of what it is that it is always new and different.
• 5:16
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 5:16
  CHERYL: Right I think the two terms are static and dynamic in cuz Bill used to try and explain physics to me, and static is when something stays the same.
• 5:26
  CHERYL: And so like if you have a real square object and you can put it on the ground, that static balance where I can hold it, it.
• 5:35
  CHERYL: Four by four and I could just hold it in my hand.
• 5:37
  CHERYL: A book.
• 5:38
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 5:38
  CHERYL: And it's a static balance.
• 5:40
  CHERYL: But if I get like, um, a broom handle and I try to balance that broom handle, it's not static, it's a dynamic balance, and I have to move and sway if I want to keep it.
• 5:51
  CHERYL: If you think about jugglers or anything like that, that's a dynamic balance.
• 5:54
  CHERYL: I think that's what we're talking about here.
• 5:57
  CHERYL: Is that parenting is a much more dynamic balance.
• 6:00
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 6:00
  CHERYL: than I thought it was.
• 6:01
  CHERYL: Right.
• 6:02
  CHERYL: I thought it was gonna be static.
• 6:03
  CHERYL: Right.
• 6:03
  CHERYL: Here's
• 6:04
  Ellen: the four rules.
• 6:05
  Ellen: If you follow them, everything will be good.
• 6:07
  Ellen: That's
• 6:07
  Christie: right.
• 6:08
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:08
  Christie: That's right.
• 6:08
  Christie: Well, and I'm thinking, you know, going back to our journey and destination perspectives, the dangers of both being our only perspective, you know, the destination perspective can be where we've run over everyone, around us like a bulldozer.
• 6:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 6:23
  Christie: We're so focused on the destination Yes.
• 6:25
  Christie: That we can hurt the people around us.
• 6:28
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:28
  Christie: Because we have, you know, goal minded as you focused children trying to, yes, we made it, but man, what were the cost?
• 6:35
  Christie: And then, you know, I think the other side is probably where I struggled with leaning more towards the journey perspective.
• 6:42
  Christie: And it, it can be, Selfish, you know, well, I guess both can be selfish, but for me, you know, just wanting to enjoy along the way and never wanting to put the needs of my kids before my own selfish desires of just savoring the moment and, oh, let's just stay cozy and read books forever.
• 6:59
  Christie: You know, that kind of thing's really good.
• 7:02
  Christie: I think there's downfalls of both.
• 7:04
  Christie: Both perspectives being the only one you have.
• 7:06
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 7:07
  CHERYL: Really good Okay.
• 7:08
  CHERYL: Ellen, one of the things that is a strength of yours is goal setting and goal planning and following through and Right.
• 7:15
  CHERYL: I've watched you all the decades we've known each other and, um, you know, You have a, a really interesting, what you've mentioned here before, but a way that you all have day PL timers.
• 7:26
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 7:27
  CHERYL: and you meet and through the years of parenting, you and Mike would meet and you would have a meeting, make your plans, meeting.
• 7:34
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 7:34
  CHERYL: So let's say some of the parents were listening to, they go, well, we're being sucked into the journey where we're not able to kind of look and make plans.
• 7:44
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 7:44
  CHERYL: so could you give them maybe two steps if they want to begin a little bit more of a concrete destination mindset, what would you offer them?
• 7:54
  Ellen: are you saying for their children or for them as
• 7:57
  CHERYL: the parent?
• 7:57
  CHERYL: Well, for the parent, yeah.
• 7:59
  CHERYL: If they're trying to formulate, saying, well, I, I really want the destination, and I kind of get the question, what are two practical steps that can kind of give me what you were talking about?
• 8:09
  CHERYL: A little more structured destination.
• 8:12
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 8:14
  Ellen: Okay.
• 8:14
  Ellen: In answer to your question, it really varies from person to person and personality.
• 8:19
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 8:20
  Ellen: And so go with your personality.
• 8:23
  Ellen: Don't feel guilty if you don't do it.
• 8:24
  Ellen: Like the lady next door.
• 8:26
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:26
  Ellen: Who has, you know, charts and everything.
• 8:28
  Ellen: Just do what you're comfortable with.
• 8:30
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 8:30
  Ellen: but planning.
• 8:32
  Ellen: is really important.
• 8:33
  Ellen: Planning what you want to see in your children's lives and be intentional trying to get there.
• 8:41
  CHERYL: Okay, so give me an example.
• 8:43
  CHERYL: Um, so they're saying, okay, I hear you, but what do I actually do now?
• 8:48
  CHERYL: Well,
• 8:49
  Christie: I think part of the planning for the destination has to do with what you value as an individual.
• 8:55
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 8:55
  Christie: what your core beliefs are about life and character.
• 8:59
  Christie: And I mean, I think we could all agree honesty and integrity are things that we want for our kids.
• 9:04
  Christie: And, and so I think, or for, for, for ourselves, the, the person we are wanting to grow into is oftentimes going to reflect what we want for our children as a adults.
• 9:14
  Christie: Yes.
• 9:14
  CHERYL: That's really good.
• 9:15
  CHERYL: So like one step might be.
• 9:17
  CHERYL: think through three core values.
• 9:20
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 9:20
  CHERYL: right?
• 9:21
  CHERYL: That you have, and then like we talk
• 9:22
  Ellen: about big books, lying.
• 9:23
  Ellen: You want your children to be truth speakers.
• 9:25
  Ellen: You don't want them
• 9:26
  CHERYL: to lie, or that it's important to you that they have a good work ethic or mm-hmm.
• 9:31
  CHERYL: whatever it is.
• 9:31
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 9:31
  CHERYL: So the first step for the destination mindset would be think through three core values for yourself.
• 9:38
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 9:38
  CHERYL: first and what, do you have a follow up for that?
• 9:41
  CHERYL: Well,
• 9:41
  Ellen: I think If you have, say those three things in mind, whether you write'em down on paper or whatever you do, I suggest writing'em down.
• 9:48
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 9:48
  Ellen: On paper.
• 9:49
  Ellen: Then that's what you're concentrating on.
• 9:52
  Ellen: So if you're gonna use good work ethic, when you've asked your child to go clean their room and they just, did.
• 10:00
  Ellen: Like my kids sometimes need to put it all in the closet or Sure.
• 10:02
  Ellen: It under the bed.
• 10:03
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:04
  Ellen: that's giving you the opportunity to tell them what good worth ethic
• 10:07
  CHERYL: is.
• 10:08
  CHERYL: Right.
• 10:08
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 10:08
  CHERYL: Good going.
• 10:09
  CHERYL: And so that keeps your destination in front of you.
• 10:12
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 10:12
  CHERYL: Not overwhelming that my child has to have everything.
• 10:15
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 10:15
  CHERYL: But begin to work on those two or three big rocks.
• 10:19
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 10:19
  CHERYL: And ignore the other
• 10:20
  Christie: stuff.
• 10:20
  Christie: Right.
• 10:21
  Christie: Because
• 10:21
  Ellen: there's a dozen things.
• 10:22
  Ellen: Right.
• 10:22
  Ellen: And just goes, you know, this.
• 10:24
  Ellen: I'm gonna concentrate on this.
• 10:26
  Ellen: Or I see in this child, they have a propensity to lie.
• 10:29
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 10:30
  Ellen: you know, so I'm gonna help this child learn to be a truth teller.
• 10:33
  Christie: Well, that's what I was thinking too, is, is depending on the ages of your kids or as your kids grow, you're looking for a.
• 10:40
  Christie: Contrary values in their lives, things that they're, you know, specifically, and I'm just thinking of one of my children who've really struggled with fear their entire life.
• 10:49
  Christie: And so for her specifically, I wanted her to be able to walk into adulthood.
• 10:54
  Christie: with increased confidence.
• 10:56
  Christie: Yes.
• 10:56
  Christie: And trust.
• 10:57
  Christie: Yeah.
• 10:57
  Christie: And ability to live in a freedom.
• 11:00
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:01
  Christie: From fear.
• 11:01
  Christie: And so, you know, a lot of our battles that we chose in her life were involving those things.
• 11:07
  Christie: Because that was your motivation, right?
• 11:09
  Christie: Yeah.
• 11:10
  Christie: And so being students of your kids, which we talk about all the time, and then weighing those against those values that you've chosen for your own family, oh, this is
• 11:18
  CHERYL: so good.
• 11:18
  CHERYL: So step one would.
• 11:21
  CHERYL: Let's say the core value that you planned, and number two is you ignore everything, right?
• 11:25
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 11:25
  CHERYL: That you, you plan and you ignore.
• 11:27
  CHERYL: That was my
• 11:28
  Ellen: problem.
• 11:28
  Ellen: I'd ignore anything.
• 11:30
  Ellen: Oh, I thought everything had to be a 10.
• 11:32
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 11:33
  Ellen: and I needed to figure out a way to work that out of my child's
• 11:36
  Christie: life.
• 11:36
  Christie: Because you were producing perfect children, right?
• 11:38
  Christie: Of course.
• 11:39
  Christie: Oh,
• 11:39
  CHERYL: that was the goal.
• 11:40
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 11:40
  Christie: Okay.
• 11:40
  Christie: And I think also being parenting on the offense too, you know, we're talking about defensive parenting, but.
• 11:47
  Christie: Being intentional about planning things a ahead of time.
• 11:50
  Christie: Yeah, yeah.
• 11:51
  Christie: To support those values, whether it's volunteering somewhere or Yes.
• 11:55
  Christie: Showing kindness to someone, you know?
• 11:57
  Christie: Yes.
• 11:57
  Christie: Some of those offensive things in, uh, preparation to instill those values in your kids.
• 12:03
  Christie: Excellent.
• 12:03
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 12:03
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 12:03
  CHERYL: So those are two steps for it to help develop the destination mindset.
• 12:08
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 12:09
  CHERYL: what would y'all suggest for steps for developing the journey?
• 12:12
  CHERYL: Mindset.
• 12:13
  CHERYL: Breathe.
• 12:15
  Christie: Breath, and rest.
• 12:16
  Christie: Just take a deep breath And
• 12:17
  Ellen: remember, every journey has a rest stop.
• 12:19
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:20
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:20
  Ellen: There are rest stops all along the way on a long trip.
• 12:23
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:23
  Ellen: I don't mean in the bathroom.
• 12:24
  Ellen: I mean the rest.
• 12:26
  Ellen: Stop that you can get out.
• 12:27
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:27
  Ellen: and you can look down into the valley.
• 12:29
  Ellen: They make those.
• 12:30
  Ellen: you know, for your viewing pleasure.
• 12:32
  Ellen: And we need to cultivate that in our lives to say, okay, today I am really going to just be chill.
• 12:38
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 12:39
  Ellen: and enjoy some things.
• 12:40
  Ellen: We finished all our homework, or we finished the task at hand.
• 12:44
  Ellen: Now how do we make a, a pleasurable reward?
• 12:49
  Ellen: That's not about food or money or anything, but just teaching your children to go, oh, I'm gonna take a breath.
• 12:55
  Ellen: Right.
• 12:56
  Ellen: You know, we might go for.
• 12:57
  Ellen: We might go to the park, we might read books,
• 13:00
  Christie: find things to celebrate.
• 13:01
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:02
  Christie: In that season, yes, look for the good and and enjoy what there is there.
• 13:06
  Christie: I mean, find the rest stops.
• 13:07
  Christie: I think about some of the seasons for some of my kids and man, that was.
• 13:11
  Christie: A hunt.
• 13:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:11
  Christie: To find the good, you know?
• 13:13
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 13:13
  Christie: There were some really hard seasons for some of my kids, but there is always something, even if it's, we made it through the day.
• 13:20
  Christie: Yes.
• 13:20
  Christie: We're all still speaking to each other.
• 13:23
  Christie: You know, celebrate sometimes, and
• 13:24
  Ellen: sometimes if you're able to ask for help.
• 13:27
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:27
  Ellen: You know, there's some seasons where you're just really overwhelmed.
• 13:29
  Ellen: I mean, I know there's lots of, um, single parents out there.
• 13:33
  Ellen: That's a really hard job.
• 13:34
  Ellen: I was that way.
• 13:36
  Ellen: Through, you know, parts of my marriage because my husband was active duty military.
• 13:40
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:41
  Ellen: So he would be gone sometimes, well, he was gone for a year.
• 13:44
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:44
  Ellen: uh, with the military and he would be in and out.
• 13:46
  Ellen: And so I considered myself a single mom.
• 13:50
  Ellen: There were times, the only way I could get ahold of him was I had to call the Red Cross.
• 13:54
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:54
  Ellen: and then they would get ahold of him.
• 13:55
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 13:56
  Ellen: And so, um, having backup.
• 14:00
  Ellen: for yourself to know what renews you and refreshes
• 14:03
  CHERYL: you.
• 14:04
  CHERYL: Okay?
• 14:05
  CHERYL: So in listening to you as we are processing this, that maybe the watchword for the destiny would be do mm-hmm.
• 14:15
  CHERYL: and the one for journey is B.
• 14:18
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 14:18
  CHERYL: That we have to go between doing and being mm-hmm.
• 14:21
  CHERYL: and doing and being, that's really good.
• 14:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:23
  Christie: That is.
• 14:23
  Christie: And too much of one or the other, it creates an imbalance that's not healthy.
• 14:27
  Christie: That's right.
• 14:27
  Christie: That's
• 14:28
  CHERYL: really good.
• 14:29
  CHERYL: Okay, so we're looking at this introduction here where we're looking all the way across the road trip of our family getting from coast to coast.
• 14:38
  CHERYL: The three of us now have launched children.
• 14:41
  CHERYL: Uh, we only have one more.
• 14:43
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 14:43
  CHERYL: If that's not fully launched.
• 14:44
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 14:45
  CHERYL: Um, and when you reflect back on it, where would you say, just in general, that this was an easy section for me or I found I was.
• 14:55
  CHERYL: Uh, I found this the hardest section of the trip.
• 14:58
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 14:59
  CHERYL: Um, you know, for example on a railroad trip, uh, the beginning is really fun and exciting cuz everyone wants to go there and then mm-hmm.
• 15:07
  CHERYL: Before you've pulled outta your neighborhood, you know, when are we stopping?
• 15:11
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 15:11
  CHERYL: Are we there yet?
• 15:11
  CHERYL: Are we there yet?
• 15:13
  CHERYL: when we would go from Oklahoma City down to Baton Rouge to visit my family down there, my mom, my sisters lived down there.
• 15:20
  CHERYL: Uh, the, the first 11 hours were okay I mean, we kept busy, but it was okay.
• 15:25
  CHERYL: But it was that last hour mm-hmm.
• 15:28
  CHERYL: That just ground us.
• 15:30
  CHERYL: We just, you know, yeah.
• 15:32
  CHERYL: Was miserable.
• 15:33
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 15:33
  CHERYL: We were good for 11 hours.
• 15:35
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 15:35
  CHERYL: So give us just maybe what's the hardest section to your road trip that you've
• 15:40
  Christie: experienced.
• 15:40
  Christie: Okay.
• 15:42
  Christie: Um, I think the hardest.
• 15:44
  Christie: Would be a, a tie of all of them?
• 15:48
  Christie: No.
• 15:49
  Christie: Yes.
• 15:49
  Christie: Um, the hardest I think for me was when I had everyone active.
• 15:54
  Christie: So like toddler, preschool, you know, school at that early where they're all very busy and, and new things and that was hard.
• 16:01
  Christie: But it ties with the releasing years.
• 16:03
  Christie: The releasing years.
• 16:04
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:04
  Christie: The releasing was hard for me.
• 16:05
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:06
  Christie: Okay.
• 16:06
  CHERYL: And what made both of them hard or easy?
• 16:08
  CHERYL: Well,
• 16:08
  Christie: I think.
• 16:09
  Christie: I mean, it's all new when you're going through it.
• 16:11
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:12
  Christie: But it, the earlier years were a new level of sacrifice.
• 16:16
  Christie: Mm-hmm.
• 16:17
  Christie: And giving of myself to so many mm-hmm.
• 16:20
  Christie: That I had no control over.
• 16:21
  Christie: You know, baby, you have a little bit of control over.
• 16:23
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:24
  Christie: But, uh, when they were all needing and active, that was hard.
• 16:28
  Christie: And the releasing was.
• 16:30
  Christie: Was just hard on my heart.
• 16:32
  Christie: I just really struggled with, you know, by then I actually liked my kids, you know, and got'em through all the hard years and enjoyed their company and just thought we should just live on the same street forever.
• 16:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 16:44
  CHERYL: what about you,
• 16:45
  Ellen: Ellen?
• 16:45
  Ellen: I would say it was all hard.
• 16:47
  Ellen: Oh wow.
• 16:48
  Ellen: I, I didn't feel, and part of it was our life, you know, we're a military family, we're constantly moving.
• 16:53
  Ellen: That's new situations and things like that.
• 16:56
  Ellen: So I don't think we lived anywhere other than once we moved to Oklahoma for more than five years.
• 17:01
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:01
  Ellen: Wow.
• 17:02
  Ellen: So we were constantly moving and I don't mean to say like it was all hard or horrible it was me.
• 17:08
  Ellen: Mm.
• 17:09
  Ellen: Because for each age I kind of had an ideal mm-hmm.
• 17:12
  Ellen: Of what it was supposed to look like.
• 17:14
  Ellen: Terrible.
• 17:14
  Ellen: And I was always really disappointed.
• 17:17
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 17:17
  Ellen: Expectation when Yeah.
• 17:18
  Ellen: Oh, this wasn't like this and this wasn't like this.
• 17:21
  Ellen: Now I can look back and go.
• 17:23
  Ellen: I also enjoyed all the years.
• 17:25
  Ellen: Mm.
• 17:26
  Ellen: There were good points in every single part.
• 17:29
  Ellen: Good of my kids' development, but I would just say, I'm one of those poopers, really honest, I thought being a parent was hard.
• 17:35
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:36
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 17:36
  Ellen: And it was painful at times.
• 17:38
  Ellen: Um, it was good at times.
• 17:39
  Ellen: It was joyous at times.
• 17:41
  Ellen: But that's how life is too.
• 17:43
  CHERYL: That's true.
• 17:43
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 17:44
  CHERYL: That's true.
• 17:44
  CHERYL: That's true.
• 17:45
  CHERYL: And you said expectations.
• 17:47
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 17:47
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 17:47
  CHERYL: Entering in with my first teenagers I didn't know.
• 17:52
  CHERYL: I didn't know teen years were gonna be different from those middle season.
• 17:56
  CHERYL: Cuz if we're gonna say what's easiest, I thought the middle.
• 17:59
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 17:59
  CHERYL: Time was easiest for me.
• 18:02
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 18:02
  CHERYL: And I didn't expect the abrupt change.
• 18:04
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 18:05
  CHERYL: Um, The bumpy roads and the detours and all of that.
• 18:09
  CHERYL: The
• 18:10
  Ellen: aliens replacing your children.
• 18:12
  CHERYL: But it was my expectations.
• 18:14
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 18:14
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 18:14
  CHERYL: Okay.
• 18:15
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 18:15
  CHERYL: And then I grew and learned, so, but it was a surprise.
• 18:18
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 18:18
  CHERYL: So that was hardest.
• 18:19
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 18:20
  CHERYL: For me.
• 18:21
  CHERYL: And I didn't like releasing either.
• 18:23
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 18:23
  CHERYL: Cause like you say, you get into a nice relationship.
• 18:26
  CHERYL: But I love it.
• 18:27
  CHERYL: I love having my kids on the other side of the releasing years, right.
• 18:32
  CHERYL: Where they're adults.
• 18:33
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 18:33
  CHERYL: So that's really fun and it's an investment, but the reality of it is there are some hard parts.
• 18:39
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 18:40
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 18:40
  Ellen: It doesn't mean that every single day is hard, but I think it's unfair especially towards younger moms, not telling'em this is gonna be hard.
• 18:47
  Ellen: Right.
• 18:48
  Ellen: It's a hard journey sometimes.
• 18:49
  Ellen: A realistic
• 18:50
  Christie: perspective.
• 18:50
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 18:50
  CHERYL: That's it.
• 18:51
  CHERYL: I think Realistic perspective.
• 18:53
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 18:53
  CHERYL: To know like
• 18:55
  Ellen: even on the smoothest road, there can be a pothole Yes.
• 18:58
  Ellen: That you
• 18:59
  CHERYL: don't see.
• 18:59
  CHERYL: Well, and just this morning you were saying, oh, this main.
• 19:02
  CHERYL: Street right here, they're gonna shut it down and reping, it'll be really nice on the other side, but they're repaving it until they finish repaving.
• 19:09
  CHERYL: It's gonna make my life hard.
• 19:11
  Ellen: Right.
• 19:11
  CHERYL: And, and I don't want us as t PPP to be negative.
• 19:16
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 19:16
  CHERYL: And be saying, boys at heart, I don't wanna do that.
• 19:19
  CHERYL: I want us to be sort of the education of saying be realistic.
• 19:23
  CHERYL: Right?
• 19:24
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 19:24
  CHERYL: Because the straight narrow, easy drive and you're getting 40 miles the gallon and everybody's singing songs together and all of that is a wonderful part of the.
• 19:37
  CHERYL: But that's not realistic, right.
• 19:39
  Christie: For the whole trip.
• 19:40
  Christie: Yes.
• 19:40
  Christie: And I think it's good.
• 19:41
  Christie: I would've appreciated more validation that it was hard that, because a lot of times I felt like I was doing something wrong.
• 19:48
  Christie: It fits good.
• 19:49
  Christie: If it's hard, I must be not doing this well.
• 19:51
  Christie: And that's where I was
• 19:52
  Ellen: coming from.
• 19:52
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 19:53
  Ellen: And me too.
• 19:53
  Ellen: And I thought it was all hard.
• 19:55
  Ellen: Because I had all the wrong expectations.
• 19:56
  Ellen: Yes.
• 19:57
  Ellen: I thought if I did A, B, and C, then the outcome would be good.
• 20:01
  Ellen: Right?
• 20:02
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 20:02
  Ellen: And that's not necessarily true, or it's not necessarily, you'll see it right then.
• 20:07
  Ellen: Mm-hmm.
• 20:07
  Ellen: Down the road.
• 20:08
  Ellen: You may, but you may never see
• 20:09
  CHERYL: it.
• 20:10
  CHERYL: Right.
• 20:10
  CHERYL: And Right, because I violated that as t PPP road trip.
• 20:14
  CHERYL: Uh, Department of safety rule is, I took it personally.
• 20:18
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 20:18
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 20:18
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 20:19
  CHERYL: And you know those big signs that we were passing on that highway and it says, do not take it personally.
• 20:24
  CHERYL: And then the next MO says, do not take it personally.
• 20:25
  CHERYL: Right.
• 20:26
  CHERYL: And that's really where I got in the most trouble, right.
• 20:28
  CHERYL: Is I took it personally instead of saying, oh, this is just part of the road trip.
• 20:33
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:33
  Christie: One expectation I had that I was glad didn't pan out was the teen years.
• 20:38
  Christie: I, yeah.
• 20:39
  Christie: I remember expecting it to be.
• 20:41
  Christie: Just miserable and horrid the whole time.
• 20:44
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:44
  Christie: But what I realized, I got glimpses of the other side.
• 20:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:48
  Christie: Yes.
• 20:49
  Christie: Along the way.
• 20:50
  Christie: And that was a, was a sweet blessing to think, okay, we're gonna get through these years.
• 20:54
  Christie: Right.
• 20:54
  Christie: And I can see who you're becoming.
• 20:56
  Christie: I can see who you'll be on the other side.
• 20:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:58
  Christie: And the more I could.
• 21:00
  Christie: Respect and engage with them as people.
• 21:02
  Christie: Yeah.
• 21:03
  Christie: It was just a more pleasant interaction.
• 21:05
  Christie: Now that was, that was all sprinkled in the midst of
• 21:08
  CHERYL: the teen years.
• 21:09
  CHERYL: Well, and my mistake is what you cannot do when you're driving on going 75 miles an hour, you simply can't look in the rear view mirror.
• 21:18
  CHERYL: Or turn around and look about where you've been going.
• 21:20
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 21:21
  CHERYL: You can glimpse, right.
• 21:21
  CHERYL: But you can't do that.
• 21:22
  CHERYL: And my mistake was when it got harder, when I had the false expectations.
• 21:28
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 21:28
  CHERYL: And unrealistic expectations and ignorance, I would look in the rear view mirror at where it was really easy.
• 21:34
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 21:35
  CHERYL: Oh, that flat place was so nice.
• 21:37
  CHERYL: Yes.
• 21:38
  CHERYL: I didn't have to put on my windshield wipers and I, I know I'm using the analogy, but it's a really good one.
• 21:44
  CHERYL: Right.
• 21:45
  CHERYL: It was looking in the past of what I liked.
• 21:49
  Christie: Right.
• 21:49
  Christie: Or if
• 21:50
  Ellen: the road's really smooth, you get complacent.
• 21:53
  Ellen: That's true.
• 21:54
  Ellen: You know, those we took, we've
• 21:55
  CHERYL: done, you put on your cruise
• 21:56
  Ellen: controller.
• 21:56
  Ellen: Right.
• 21:57
  Ellen: We've done lots of cross countries as a military families, and there's some stretch like through the desert where it's fine uhhuh, but you don't always know.
• 22:04
  Ellen: There was a big pothole right there.
• 22:06
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 22:06
  Ellen: And then you
• 22:07
  Christie: just blew a tire.
• 22:08
  Christie: Or when things are kind of rough in that season, you wanna rush through it to the next one, and you miss out on some really sweet things in that age group or
• 22:17
  CHERYL: important things.
• 22:18
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 22:18
  CHERYL: You know?
• 22:19
  CHERYL: Yeah, that's really true.
• 22:20
  CHERYL: Oh, this is great.
• 22:22
  Ellen: And I mean that's where it's being honest.
• 22:24
  Ellen: Yes.
• 22:24
  Ellen: Because we have to say, there's just times you do wanna give up.
• 22:27
  Ellen: And there's been times I told my husband, I'm going to the movies all by myself.
• 22:31
  Ellen: I love that la you're
• 22:32
  CHERYL: in charge now.
• 22:33
  CHERYL: You know, but that's why we're having this conversation mm-hmm.
• 22:37
  CHERYL: About the road trip.
• 22:38
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 22:38
  CHERYL: Because it isn't sec mile marker 206 to mile marker 480.
• 22:44
  CHERYL: Right.
• 22:45
  CHERYL: That, that's not the whole trip.
• 22:47
  CHERYL: Yes, yes.
• 22:47
  CHERYL: Okay, so thank y'all.
• 22:49
  CHERYL: This is really good as a start and then, uh, let's come back and look at what the doing and being might look like.
• 22:57
  CHERYL: Mm-hmm.
• 22:58
  CHERYL: on our destiny journey.
• 22:59
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 22:59
  CHERYL: Through all the different stages.
• 23:01
  CHERYL: Yeah.
• 23:01
  CHERYL: That's a all the different seasons.
• 23:03
  Ellen: yeah,
• 23:03
  CHERYL: This is gonna be a good road trip for us.
• 23:05
  CHERYL: I think so too, as a podcast.
• 23:07
  CHERYL: So parents.
• 23:11
  CHERYL: Hang in there.
• 23:13
  CHERYL: Keep loving, keep persevering because it's worth it.
• 23:24
  I am really excited about this series we're doing because we're splitting it between that philosophical big picture and the very practical working out in real life details.
• 23:38
  So what about you?
• 23:40
  What are some of the highlights from your family road trip?
• 23:44
  We'd love to hear from you.
• 23:45
  DM us on social media, or text us.
• 23:48
  contact@theparentingpodcast.com or go to our.
• 23:54
  Remember to follow us so you don't miss any of our episodes.
• 23:57
  And could you do us a favor, tell a friend about T ppp.
• 24:02
  Okay.
• 24:02
  Be sure and join us next time when we'll be focusing on the beginning season of the Parenting Road trip ages oh zero to five.
• 24:11
  We're the whole adventure begins.
• 24:14
  The parenting podcast, answering your questions and bringing your heart hope.