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How you should deal with your Mother-in-law · Head Shrink Inc.

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it's Dr.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: David with HeadRink Inc., and today let's talk about your mother in law.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_01: It's Doc David, Head Shrink Inc.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: here, and thank you for uh downloading or tuning in today.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: Guess I say tuning in, but you're not really tuning in because that would be a radio station, right?
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_01: So thanks for listening, anyways.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: Um I want to talk about mother-in-laws, right?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_01: We all love, we all, if you're married, you have a mother-in-law, and I think a lot of times mother-in-laws get bad raps, um, but sometimes they don't because sometimes there are crazy mother-in-laws.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_01: I actually like my mother-in-law.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: She lives probably uh three-quarters of a half a mile away from me, um, across a big field.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: I can see her house, and she comes over to my house probably three or four times a week, hangs out, sees my kids, and takes them on rides on her four-wheeler.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I I like to think I have a pretty good relationship with my mother-in-law, but I've run into people that do not have good relationship with uh their mother-in-law.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: And that could be any number for any number of reasons that that's that it's like that.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: It could be personality differences, uh, mother-in-law wants to control, there's a mama's boy in the relationship.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Um there's so there's lots of different reasons.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, but I wanted to go over some ideas and maybe give you a perspective on why a mother-in-law can be potentially challenging to deal with, and then maybe some ways or some ideas on how to deal with a challenging mother-in-law.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: So um you know, when you get married, you're instantly propelled into that relationship, and hopefully prior to marriage, you've had some kind of inkling of what uh th your mother-in-law may be like.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_01: Now, occasionally there's an egg there's a thing that happens where you know you get married and then this strange creature comes out known as your mother-in-law that you never saw before prior to uh your wedding.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: And so that's that's not the norm, I don't think, but I think what is more the norm is just a challenging relationship with mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws in general.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_01: So, um first off, one of the things I think as a um dot potential daughter-in-law to a mother-in-law, um, you need to remember that he was uh he was hers first, right?
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_01: So your husband or your partner um had a mother who gave birth to, changed diapers, got puked on, put band-aids on, had first experiences with, and and what have you done for him?
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_01: You haven't done any of those things.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_01: You did not know him for the first, you know, twenty odd years of his life.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: This mother knew him for those first twenty odd years, and she did so much for them, and so oftentimes you're seen as an interloper or someone who's not good enough um for her son.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I when I was first married, um it was interesting because I would make a decision about something that was not kind of the norm of my family of origin, and so the assumption was that oh, David's making that decision because his wife told him to make that decision.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_01: And that actually wasn't true, but I think that was kind of this that's often a stereotype is that you get married, a guy starts doing these different things, and the blame for those doing the for the doing of the different things goes to the uh daughter-in-law.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_01: Um so just so you know, the daughter-in-law, she he was hers first, and if you treat him poorly, she's not gonna be happy with you.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: And that will that will take something to take some time to get over.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: So question what he sees in you, and she may even ask him, ask him this very directly in front of you, which is gonna just set you off.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: Um, he stupidly will tell you these things, and then for you, I think, as the wife or the significant other, it's like it's game on, I'm not gonna deal with that mother-in-law drama.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: And so then in response, you often are rude back, and then um, you know, 10 years, 15 years later, you wonder why you have a horrible relationship with your mother-in-law.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so so just remember that when you're in a relationship with somebody, there was a woman who was there first, and that was the mother-in-law.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so a second thing to maybe to consider, I'd encourage you to consider, is that she had hopes and dreams for him.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: Now, who knows what those hopes and dreams are, but when she was holding him and nursing him and rocking him, uh, she thought he was the sweetest thing ever.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, even though he's grown up now and is out of the house, she still wants the best for him.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_01: She may believe that you potentially aren't the best for him.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so she's trying to she has to, she has a struggle that goes on.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: She loves her son, she wants the best for him, um, but she may think that you're not the best for him, but she doesn't want to be rude, and so there's this back and forth struggle, I think, oftentimes that goes on in the mother-in-law's kind of thinking.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_01: Um, she loves her son, wants to protect him, but wants him to be able to make his own choices in life.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so it's not necessarily a personal vendetta against you.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: It could be any woman that he chooses to involve in his life that she's gonna have this struggle with.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: Um so I guess take heart in that that it's not based on you.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: A lot of times people take it personally and think this is just because of me.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: If it was so-and-so, it wouldn't be like this.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Well, I I would say that that's not the case because it's so common that there's mother-in-law, daughter-in law issues that it's not related to the person, it's related to the relationship.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so a third thing that I think that you as a um you should consider is that there's some fear that's involved in this um relationship that the mother-in-law is looking at with you and her her um dear one, her her son.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: Um so from the beginning, generally speaking, um she was the one that he would listen to, and now he's listening to you.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_01: So there's this possible loss of connection, which can be fearful to a mother.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: Um she doesn't know who you are, she doesn't know where you will move to.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_01: Will you get will you have grandkids?
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: Will she get to see the grandkids?
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: If you live in Washington State and you move to Vermont, she's not gonna get to see the grandkids as much as she wants to.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Um, she'll is she gonna be in competition with the other grandparent?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: So these are fears that race through your mother-in-law's minds um uh uh even in like in the very beginning of a relationship.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: And then as you progress in your relationship with your significant other and have kids and go through job changes, these are all things that um that create this fear of loss of connection with with her son.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that that's another thing to consider.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_01: You know, maybe a lot of what's going on in the relationship with her has to do with fear.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um and perhaps like numerous others, you want a great relationship with your mother-in-law, and it and it actually isn't that hard to do because some of it's gonna have to be you setting yourself aside and recognizing that she has she has played a significant part, um, a significant role in his life.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't acknowledge that, and if you don't look at that as a great thing and a strength, and you look at it as as a competition, you're definitely gonna have problems in your relationship.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_01: Um, he chose you, he chose to marry you.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, let's just get that out of the way.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: So he wants to be with you, and so any kind of issue with the mother-in-law, you should maybe consider, you know what, he did chose me, but he still loves his mom, so I'm not going to get in the way of that.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so here's some ideas.
• 8:12
  SPEAKER_01: So I have three ideas on potential ways to you know make mother-in-law mother-in-law relationships go a little bit better.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: So, one of the biggest things that I often find bring drama, finds find that brings drama into these relationships with a mother-in-law is daughter-in-laws give way too much information out to um sister-in-laws because those sister-in-laws are loyal to their mom.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you s or if you're talking about something with your sister-in-law that your husband or your partner is like it's really annoying when he does this thing, or it's so sad, or or basically you're gossiping about your husband to his sister.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_01: If that sister has a good relationship with her mother, it's going to come out there.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_01: And so then what did I say before?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: She's going to go into protective mode because this is her little baby.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: This is the one that she raised and protected and stopped bullies from hurting.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_01: And so you kind of when she finds out that you're talking smack about her son, basically, um, it's going to be an instinctual reaction that she's going to want to protect him and protect him from you.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so one of my biggest suggestions is that you limit the kind of information that you tell people.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: The less they know, the less they have to throw in your face.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: The more they know, the more that they're going to stay involved in your business.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Um, I have never run across any couple that that really values the in-laws knowing everything about them and their relationship.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I I can't stress it enough.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Limit the kind of information that you're giving out to your in-laws because that that is going to be used against you at some point if things go poorly.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_01: Um number two, and I I would say this is kind of a general rule for for everyone, just be respectful.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_01: Um, hopefully your parents taught you to, at a young age, to be respectful.
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_01: Now, what does this respect look like?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: Well, it can take on a lot of different forms.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: It could just be a respect for traditions, um, it could be respect for in conversations.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like you're not going to agree with everything that your mother-in-law says.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: And so rather than just saying, I don't agree with that, I don't know who you think you are, I mean, maybe you could get away with that with your friends or with strangers potentially, but your mother-in-law's a different kind of animal.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so you may have to work a little bit harder to be more respectful.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes you if if you have this idea of, well, I'm not going to respect them till they respect me, that's going to make your relationship go whore.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: I've never understood that kind of sentiment.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_01: I think that you should just always give people some respect, whether or not you think they deserve it, because I think it's just a kind and compassionate thing to do.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that that's the hint that I'll give you is like they your mother-in-law doesn't need to be respectful for you to be respectful back.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_01: Um and so my strong suggestion to you is that you be respectful to your in-laws for two reasons.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Firstly, your spouse will love you for it, and secondly, it's the right thing to do.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, those two things alone should create this atmosphere of respect as you interact with your mother-in-law, and even as you interact with other um other relatives that are kind of challenging.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: Now, that that potentially gets into a whole nother conversation about what if you have a relative that just is over and over rude and just continues to be harassing and disrespectful.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we'll can talk about that another day because there is a different way to handle that.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: I think there's boundaries and there's um there's limits to what you should subject yourself to.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I think with your mother-in-law and family in general, being respectful is important because, again, they have traditions that that your husband grew up with, and just because you've entered the scene doesn't mean that all these traditions should stop.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're going to say, nope, things have to go my way now, because I'm I'm married to him and it's my way or the highway, that's obviously going to create problems in your relationship.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think it's like if that's an attitude that you have generally speaking, that's gonna create a lot of problems in relationships.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_01: And I think um specifically so with mother-in-law relationships.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so I would encourage you to take a step back and see if that's if part of the problem with your mother-in-law is that you are um not approaching her in a respectful way.
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: Um and that's hard to do because you may want to say, Well, David, you don't know what she's done.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_01: Well, true, I may not know what she's done, but I still think there is some kind of general respect that should be given.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: And again, she may not deserve respect, but I think you do it for your spouse and because it's the right thing to do.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_01: Um, and finally, a third thing that I think would be useful to do in your relationship with your mother-in-law, is build that scar tissue up on your tongue and bite it more often.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: Um you you will feel justified to say some things sometimes that make perfect sense about an issue.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_01: You may even want to say, I told you so.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_01: And let me let me strongly suggest you start biting your tongue.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, because your goal in the relationship with your husband is to do things to strengthen that relationship.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes that may mean just being quiet when everything inside of you is wanting to scream out.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: And and obviously this doesn't apply to uh dangerous or inappropriate behavior you don't agree with, but it does apply to interior design choices, um, politics, the best place to camp, the best way to set up your camp, the best way to make uh cherry cream pie.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know, things like that that that a mother-in-law has done for years, and then you come in and start critiquing the way that she does these things, it's not going to create a positive relationship between the two of you.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_01: And again, what I'm I mean, the whole message there is you have some responsibility in this that you bring to the table.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: And honestly, you can only be responsible for what you bring to the table.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_01: Um, so what I think you'll find is like if you can take a step back and if you can start, and if you have other um, if there's other sister-in-laws in the family, and if you watch how they interact, you probably will find that these issues with your mother-in-law isn't really about you.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: It's more about the transition of relationship with her son from her to you.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_01: And as difficult as it is for you, I I think you need to remember it can be just as difficult for her.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so if you're just listening to this and you're you're thinking about getting married in this next year or two, one of the ways to create a lifelong good relationship with your mother-in-law is to start out well.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: And these three things that I just suggested are the things that you should start practicing immediately with your future mother-in-law.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because the problem is if if you start out poorly with your mother-in-law and she gets hurt by you, and your husband feels stuck, or your partner feels stuck because they love their mother-in-law, but they love you, and they feel trapped in the middle, and and you're putting pressure on them, and the mother-in-law is putting pressure on them, that that happens, if that happens in the beginning of your relationship, it is so difficult to untangle that um, you know, five or ten years down the road because there's so much hurt and what hurt under the bridge.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: And so it takes a lot of effort to be able to sit down and untangle that hurtful mess between you and your mother-in-law.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_01: So that's why my encouragement right now is if if you don't have a mother-in-law yet, and you or you may soon, try to do everything you can to start off on a good foot.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you don't, it's gonna for years down the road, it's just gonna harm your relationship, potentially with your spouse and definitely with your mother-in-law.
• 16:06
  SPEAKER_01: And then you're gonna have kids, and then there's gonna be the challenges of who goes where with the kids, what if the mother-in-law doesn't do things the way that you want them exactly?
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: That exactly done.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's another issue that's come up.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't let my mother-in-law watch my kids because she doesn't feed them the exact way that I want them to feed them, want her to feed them.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_01: And I and I think it's okay if they don't eat a certain way one one or two times a week.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's not going to kill them.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_01: What it is going to kill is a relationship.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_01: And if you're so selfish and so self-centered that you don't care about that relationship, then I guess go ahead and do it.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_01: But there's going to be really negative repercussions from that in the future.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_01: So hey, I hope you've uh enjoyed listening, and and if you have any questions, definitely feel free to email me at Head Shrink Inc.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that's Head ShrinkINC Inc.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: at gmail.com or check me out on Facebook um at DocDavid, and I love answering questions for people.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_01: I will be back next week.