Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #613 Digital Self Harm: How to Spot & Stop It

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#613 Digital Self Harm: How to Spot & Stop It · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just on answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, we want to keep devices out of bedrooms in
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  Speaker 2: open areas where you can sort of wander past and
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  Speaker 2: look over their shoulder and go, oh, what are you
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  Speaker 2: doing there, and actually be part of their online world.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Gooday, it's Justin and Kylie. We're the parents of six kids.
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  Speaker 2: Where the founders of Happy Families dot com dot you
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  Speaker 2: and where the hosts of this podcast, the Happy Families
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  Speaker 2: Podcast around I only forgot who we were and what
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  Speaker 2: we were doing for a second. This is Mental Health
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  Speaker 2: Awareness Month. Over the last week or so, we've been
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  Speaker 2: having big conversations about some really hard topics, and today
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  Speaker 2: maybe a slightly surprising conversation about digital self harm. When
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  Speaker 2: we're talking about our children's well being and their mental health,
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  Speaker 2: something that we don't hear often about is what's going on online,
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  Speaker 2: specifically in terms of what kids might be doing to themselves.
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  Speaker 2: So today that's our topic, digital self harm.
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  Speaker 3: There was an article recently published in the Sydney Morning Herald.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah will link to that in the show notes.
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  Speaker 3: When I first read it, I was just completely bewildered.
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  Speaker 3: I couldn't imagine why anybody would actually start writing bad
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  Speaker 3: things anonymously about themselves on a public forum.
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  Speaker 2: Yes, and we should just be really clear, that's what
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  Speaker 2: digital self harm is.
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  Speaker 1: Right.
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  Speaker 2: So, self harm is when you hurt yourself. Digital self
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  Speaker 2: harm is when you hurt yourself, but you do it online.
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  Speaker 2: So essentially, you cyberble yourself, you set up anonymous accounts,
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  Speaker 2: you say horrible things on your own platform about yourself.
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  Speaker 2: That's the idea of digital self harm.
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  Speaker 3: But then as I continue to read it, it occurred
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  Speaker 3: to me that there are many people out there who
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  Speaker 3: actually do this, like verbally in front of their friends.
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  Speaker 3: We put ourselves down in an effort to have somebody
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  Speaker 3: say something nice back to us and to prove us wrong.
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  Speaker 3: And so it kind of it makes sense. It's just
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  Speaker 3: it's a whole nother generation of.
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  Speaker 2: It's moved online. So a recent study from the United
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  Speaker 2: States suggests that somewhere between five and nine percent, which
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  Speaker 2: is actually surprisingly high, of American teenagers have trolled themselves,
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  Speaker 2: like posting mean comments about themselves on their own accounts.
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  Speaker 2: But when you look at the level of depression that
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  Speaker 2: we see among our young people, our tweens and teens.
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  Speaker 2: Five to nine percent is probably not actually that high.
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  Speaker 2: That probably makes sense.
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  Speaker 3: I'm curious if this kind of behavior would be linked
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  Speaker 3: to any kind of mental illness or whether or not
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  Speaker 3: this is just a teenage trend yees.
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  Speaker 2: So, I mean, outside of depression, that's probably the main
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  Speaker 2: thing that we're dealing with here. We've got a kid
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  Speaker 2: who's not feeling good about themselves. We spoke obviously about
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  Speaker 2: depression yesterday for about fifteen to twenty minutes and really
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  Speaker 2: went into that quite deeply. I did see in one
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  Speaker 2: of the articles that I read in twenty thirteen there
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  Speaker 2: was quite a high profile case of digital self harm.
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  Speaker 2: This is back when asked dot fm. ASKfm was the
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  Speaker 2: big social media site that everyone was losing the plot about.
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  Speaker 2: For those who missed the memo, ASKfm was a site
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  Speaker 2: where people would jump on and say tell me the truth,
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  Speaker 2: what do you think about me? And people would anonymously
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  Speaker 2: post whatever they wanted about this person, and it was
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  Speaker 2: it was troll central.
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  Speaker 3: Wasn't that something that's just been recently done?
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  Speaker 2: Well, there's new platforms coming up all the time where
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  Speaker 2: these kinds of activities occurred, but ASKfm was the first
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  Speaker 2: big one and it was directly implicated with the death
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  Speaker 2: of a fourteen year old girl. She died by suicide.
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  Speaker 2: Some of the comments that were made were absolutely horrendous,
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  Speaker 2: but after an inquiry, it emerged that ninety eight percent
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  Speaker 2: of the messages, the cyberbullying messages at her were written
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  Speaker 2: by her. Oh my god, so she was getting on
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  Speaker 2: there and saying, tell me the truth, be honest with me,
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  Speaker 2: the hashtag TBH to be honest, let me know what
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  Speaker 2: you really think? Am I pretty? Or am I this?
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  Speaker 2: Or am I That ninety eight percent of the messages
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  Speaker 2: that were directed at her were written by her, which
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  Speaker 2: highlights a couple of things. Number One, people actually didn't
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  Speaker 2: bully her online. So she was so isolated and so lonely.
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  Speaker 2: She lacks so much in terms of relationship that nobody
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  Speaker 2: was even following her online and bullying her. She was
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  Speaker 2: just doing it to herself. She felt that that terribly lonely.
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  Speaker 2: We know though that and this comes from a US
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  Speaker 2: study published in Child and Adolescent Mental Health just this
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  Speaker 2: July found that young people who engaged in digital self
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  Speaker 2: harm or cyber self bullying were more likely to experience
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  Speaker 2: suicidal thoughts, so it really is a concern. We also
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  Speaker 2: know that younger kids are more likely to do it
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  Speaker 2: to themselves than older kids. So the average age where
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  Speaker 2: this really starts to ramp up is somewhere around thirteen
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  Speaker 2: or fourteen. By the time kids are seventeen eighteen, they
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  Speaker 2: don't seem to be doing it to themselves so much.
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  Speaker 2: So it's related to maturity and experience, and it's the
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  Speaker 2: time where kids are really online reaching desperate for some
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  Speaker 2: kind of recognition.
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  Speaker 3: So this is a really tricky because I want to
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  Speaker 3: ask you, how do we know if our kids are
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  Speaker 3: engaging in this kind of behavior? Yeah, yeah, because we're
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  Speaker 3: talking about personal cyberbullying. Yes, they're not being targeted by
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  Speaker 3: somebody else. This is actually of their own fruition. So
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  Speaker 3: I don't actually know what I'm supposed to ask here,
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  Speaker 3: because how do we protect our kids from this kind
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  Speaker 3: of behavior?
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  Speaker 2: So there's a couple of different ways that we can
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  Speaker 2: take it. The first thing that I would say is
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  Speaker 2: that if your child is being cyberbullied online and it
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  Speaker 2: does happen, we see it happening all the time, don't
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  Speaker 2: assume that it's them doing it to themselves. I don't
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  Speaker 2: think that that's going to be helpful, but look, I mean,
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  Speaker 2: have listened to yesterday's podcast and consider what depression looks
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  Speaker 2: like and whether your child is socially isolated, and at
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  Speaker 2: least be mindful that the strategies we talked about in
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  Speaker 2: yesterday's podcasts can be helpful for your child's well being.
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  Speaker 2: Rather than assuming though that your child is doing this
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  Speaker 2: to themselves, they're self harming themselves or cyberbullying themselves in
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  Speaker 2: a digital sphere, I think what we want to do
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  Speaker 2: is just be mindful of the signs that your child
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  Speaker 2: could be a target of cyber bullying, whether it's from
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  Speaker 2: themselves or from somebody else. So the e Safety Commissioner
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  Speaker 2: has on their website five signs that suggest that a
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  Speaker 2: child is the target of cyber bullying, and I think
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  Speaker 2: that they're strong enough that rather than making up my
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  Speaker 2: own are these ones are really good? First off, they
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  Speaker 2: appear sad, lonely, angry, worried, or upset more than usual.
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  Speaker 2: That makes sense, you've got that mood issue. Secondly, unexpected
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  Speaker 2: changes in friendship. Groups are not wanting to be around people,
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  Speaker 2: even friends, So once that social cohesion drops.
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  Speaker 3: Off, an absolutely disconnect because we.
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  Speaker 2: Know that what happens offline is reflected online, amplified, accelerated,
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  Speaker 2: blown up, it gets bigger. So if I'm doing really
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  Speaker 2: badly offline, I'm going to do pretty badly online as well.
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  Speaker 2: They're a mirror of one another. It's just that the
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  Speaker 2: online world never leaves you alone. So if there are
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  Speaker 2: problems in friendship groups, if they are unexpected changes there,
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  Speaker 2: or if your child has suddenly stepped into this socially
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  Speaker 2: isolated scenario where the friendship group has dissinto graded, or
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  Speaker 2: maybe they're just not doing well with friends full stop,
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  Speaker 2: then that could suggest that the problems that you're seeing
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  Speaker 2: are related to some cyber building. Maybe you see a
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  Speaker 2: child become more withdrawn or anxious, there may be changes
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  Speaker 2: in sleep patterns, or they're absolutely secret about their mobile
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  Speaker 2: phone news, what they're doing online. There are the signs
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  Speaker 2: that a child could be the target of cyber building.
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  Speaker 3: So I want to kind of just take a little
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  Speaker 3: bit of a tangent here. If your child has had
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  Speaker 3: a massive shift in their social relationships, yes, when as
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  Speaker 3: a parent do you step in? And should you step in?
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  Speaker 2: Yes, yeah you should, but you don't step in to
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  Speaker 2: fix it, you step into support and then to develop
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  Speaker 2: a plan. That's really what we're trying to do here.
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  Speaker 2: So when we see that, just like we talked about
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  Speaker 2: in yesterday's podcast, when we see that things aren't right,
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  Speaker 2: our job is to sit down and say why things
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  Speaker 2: are really hard?
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  Speaker 1: Right now?
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  Speaker 2: That's part of being a human. I'm here, give me
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  Speaker 2: a hug, or what do you think we can do?
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  Speaker 2: How can we move forward? And we've done this with
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  Speaker 2: our own children as they've gone through their own crisis,
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  Speaker 2: including some mental health challenges. We sit down with the
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  Speaker 2: kids and we say this is really tough, isn't it?
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  Speaker 2: So is this how you want to stay? Is there
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  Speaker 2: anything that you would like to see different? If so,
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  Speaker 2: let's work on a plan together. What are the things
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  Speaker 2: that we know can help? And so then we put
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  Speaker 2: together this plan and we say, well, we're here to
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  Speaker 2: support you, so let's do it together. Let's be involved
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  Speaker 2: in going for bike rides or going for walks to
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  Speaker 2: the beach, or doing these things that you like to do.
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  Speaker 2: Let's do them together to help you to feel connected.
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  Speaker 2: Or let's organize for you to get together with that
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  Speaker 2: person because you get along well, or do you know
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  Speaker 2: what I mean, that's what we do. We make the plan,
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  Speaker 2: we get involved, I think from a cyber bullying point
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  Speaker 2: of view. Though, once again, the U Safe to Commissioner
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  Speaker 2: gives us some really good hints, tips and tricks to
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  Speaker 2: guide our kids. They suggest that we use parental controls
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  Speaker 2: in apps and devices so that we can monitor and
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  Speaker 2: limit what our kids are doing online. Now, typically I'm
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  Speaker 2: not a supporter of that idea, but when you've got
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  Speaker 2: a child who's being bullied, or you've got a child
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  Speaker 2: who's psychologically distressed, having an increased level of monitoring with
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  Speaker 2: their awareness for their support, there's value in that because
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  Speaker 2: we can say, hey, we need to make sure that
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  Speaker 2: you do it okay. We love you no matter what,
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  Speaker 2: we care about you no matter what, and this is
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  Speaker 2: part of the process so that we can keep you safe.
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  Speaker 2: The E Safety Commission also says to make sure you've
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  Speaker 2: got appropriate limits around time and use, so the kids
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  Speaker 2: aren't on their screens in the middle of the night,
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  Speaker 2: and they're not on their screens incessantly following up on
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  Speaker 2: who's saying what about them, where and when. We want
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  Speaker 2: to keep devices in out out of bedrooms, in open
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  Speaker 2: areas where you can sort of wander past and look
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  Speaker 2: over their shoulder and go, oh, what are you doing there?
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  Speaker 2: You need to have appropriate privacy restrictions so that strangers
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  Speaker 2: aren't approaching them in their games and in their apps
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  Speaker 2: and all that sort of thing, and actually be part
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  Speaker 2: of their online world. They're the tips from the U
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  Speaker 2: Safet Commission, and I think they're pretty handy when it
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  Speaker 2: comes to dealing with this issue of whether it's cyber
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  Speaker 2: bullying or digital self harm. Some really useful ideas to
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  Speaker 2: help with our children and their mental health.
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  Speaker 3: Well as we delve into all things mental health, I'm
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  Speaker 3: wondering what tomorrow's podcast has in store for everybody.
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  Speaker 2: It's where we're chatting with a guy called David Woulds
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  Speaker 2: He he a fellow who experienced post natal depression as
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  Speaker 2: a dad. So we're going to talk about men's post
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  Speaker 2: natal depression. We talk about how women experience it a lot,
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  Speaker 2: and that's an important conversation, but something that's a little
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  Speaker 2: bit different the idea of men experiencing post nail depression.
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  Speaker 2: And then tomorrow night, I've got to mention it because
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  Speaker 2: it's going to be awesome. Burnt Out a free webinar
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  Speaker 2: thirty minutes it's fast, it's free, and it's for you
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  Speaker 2: if you're feeling burned out over a time.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: But you're about to say furious.
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  Speaker 2: Well now I'm not going to make it furious, but
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  Speaker 2: it's going to be a really fun webinar, only thirty minutes,
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  Speaker 2: really short, free, all about how to overcome the burnout
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  Speaker 2: that so many parents are experiencing. We've even got a
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  Speaker 2: survey that you can do so that you can work
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  Speaker 2: out how burned out you actually are and how that
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  Speaker 2: compares to the rest of the population. Burnt out. A
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  Speaker 2: free webinar that we're doing tomorrow night on the I
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: was going to say on the Happy Fmilies podcast, but
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: it's not. You've got to go to Happy families dot
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  Speaker 2: com dot you or go to our Facebook page doctor
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: Justin Colson's Happy Families for all the information. Hey, that's
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: it for us today. The Happy Family Podcast is produced
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  Speaker 2: by Justin Ruland from Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our
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  Speaker 2: executive producer, and for more information about all the stuff
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: we've talked about today, visit the show notes Orhappy Families
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  Speaker 2: dot com Doday