Latest / The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show / Episode 46, Season 1: Meet Our Husbands

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Episode 46, Season 1: Meet Our Husbands · The Dr. Sarah Hensley Show

• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Love Dot Podcast. I'm your co host
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Crana Butcher here with our hosts and our special guests today,
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: doctor Sarah Hensley.
• 0:17
  Speaker 2: And our husband.
• 0:19
  Speaker 3: What's up?
• 0:20
  Speaker 2: What's up? So we've got Donald Hensley, Hello, what up?
• 0:25
  Speaker 2: And Josh Butcher?
• 0:26
  Speaker 4: Thanks for having us.
• 0:27
  Speaker 2: Oh, you're welcome. You're welcome.
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: So we're excited because we get to introduce our wonderful
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: husbands to all of our listeners today. Yeah.
• 0:36
  Speaker 5: So when you google me, Donald is the fourth link
• 0:40
  Speaker 5: that comes up. It's doctor Hensley's husband. Yeah, because people
• 0:43
  Speaker 5: want to know about my marriage. So I think people
• 0:46
  Speaker 5: look at him a little bit. But he likes to
• 0:48
  Speaker 5: be anonymous, so I try not to put him out
• 0:52
  Speaker 5: there too much.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: Here we are, they're exposed.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: So today, what are we going to talk about it?
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: I mean it's episode forty six. Yep, we've got our
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: husband's here. We talk about them a lot, I feel like,
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: and so now is y'all's chance to talk about us.
• 1:08
  Speaker 4: It's just where we get to defend ourselves.
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: Now we talk good about y'all. We do you say
• 1:13
  Speaker 3: good things?
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: We try to say good things.
• 1:16
  Speaker 6: Yes, you don't listen every week, Josh, I don't even.
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: I don't even listen.
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: Everything I used to like when we first started, I
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: would uh, I would go back and I'd watch every
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: single one and kind of nitpick and pick us apart.
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: Now I'm just like whatever.
• 1:31
  Speaker 5: If they say, like I said, they hate us, they
• 1:33
  Speaker 5: hate us, right, the people that love us find us,
• 1:35
  Speaker 5: and that's what you have to keep in perspective.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: That's exactly right.
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: So before we get started, we want to thank our sponsor,
• 1:41
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• 1:44
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• 1:45
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• 1:47
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• 1:51
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• 2:16
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• 2:18
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• 2:21
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• 2:23
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• 2:27
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• 2:29
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• 2:31
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• 2:32
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• 2:42
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• 2:50
  Speaker 2: Yes, thank you, Cozy Earth. We love you.
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: Cotton. We had a good run that. I'm a bamboo guy.
• 2:54
  Speaker 5: Yeah, yes, sorry, sorry, you're out cotton, all.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: Right, So I'm gonna let you start, okay, and just you.
• 3:01
  Speaker 5: Know what do you want to Yes, So we have
• 3:03
  Speaker 5: a little bit of a male audience. It's it's more
• 3:05
  Speaker 5: of a female audience, but we do have some male listeners,
• 3:07
  Speaker 5: and I think they're often getting a female perspective on
• 3:11
  Speaker 5: personal growth and development, specifically around love and finding love
• 3:15
  Speaker 5: and growing to a point where you can handle real
• 3:18
  Speaker 5: secure love and commitment. And so I thought it would
• 3:22
  Speaker 5: be interesting for our male audience to hear from a
• 3:25
  Speaker 5: male's point of view. For all of those men out
• 3:27
  Speaker 5: there that are on a personal development journey what our
• 3:30
  Speaker 5: husbands have learned, because we actually have two very unique
• 3:33
  Speaker 5: guys right here. You know, they're very similar in a
• 3:35
  Speaker 5: lot of ways, but they're also very different. Their stories
• 3:37
  Speaker 5: are different, their stories are different. And we have Josh
• 3:39
  Speaker 5: who is kind of the perpetual bachelor and who you know,
• 3:43
  Speaker 5: we always tease about him being a born secure out
• 3:45
  Speaker 5: of all of us, he was the born secure, right,
• 3:47
  Speaker 5: no childhood trauma. Good for you, Josh, Yeah, for you.
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: The standards were very.
• 3:52
  Speaker 5: Very high, right, as a lot of secure people's standards are.
• 3:55
  Speaker 5: And so I think that was probably part of his journey.
• 3:57
  Speaker 5: But we can we can have Josh talk a little
• 4:00
  Speaker 5: bit about his journey here in a second. And then
• 4:02
  Speaker 5: Donald had two previous marriages, which I have mentioned before,
• 4:07
  Speaker 5: and there was a learning curve.
• 4:08
  Speaker 3: There as well.
• 4:10
  Speaker 5: So Josh, tell us a little bit about your personal
• 4:12
  Speaker 5: development journey and just being that perpetual bachelor and how
• 4:16
  Speaker 5: you knew when you met Reina that you were ready
• 4:19
  Speaker 5: for something different.
• 4:21
  Speaker 4: Well, yeah, it's kind of it's kind of tough.
• 4:27
  Speaker 7: I mean, I grew up, you know, I had a
• 4:28
  Speaker 7: I had a good household, I didn't have you know,
• 4:30
  Speaker 7: my parents were happily married for you know, however many
• 4:34
  Speaker 7: years it's not like.
• 4:35
  Speaker 4: A camprad for you. I didn't come from you know,
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: a like a broken.
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: The rest of us come from broken homes.
• 4:41
  Speaker 7: Yeah, no, I know. I mean I'm probably pretty you know,
• 4:44
  Speaker 7: it's getting less and less common. But you know, so
• 4:47
  Speaker 7: I had a good I kind of had a good
• 4:49
  Speaker 7: example from them.
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  Speaker 2: Your parents were older when they got.
• 4:52
  Speaker 4: Married, Yeah, they were.
• 4:54
  Speaker 7: My dad was on his second marriage, you know, my
• 4:56
  Speaker 7: mom were first. But no, I had you know, I
• 4:59
  Speaker 7: had good role models as far as that goes. And
• 5:01
  Speaker 7: then I don't know where I went wrong on it
• 5:03
  Speaker 7: because I just I had no interest, had no interest.
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: I don't know why, just hadn't found the right one. Honey.
• 5:10
  Speaker 7: Well, yeah, I mean for sure that, but no, I
• 5:13
  Speaker 7: just I guess I had convinced myself it was just
• 5:16
  Speaker 7: simpler I didn't have when I didn't have to, you know,
• 5:20
  Speaker 7: worry about somebody else and they're you know, have that responsibility.
• 5:25
  Speaker 7: I was just kind of, you know, for a long time,
• 5:27
  Speaker 7: it was just me and Lori my dog, and you
• 5:29
  Speaker 7: were kind.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: Of a nomad because you had done like you went
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: out west.
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you did the whole cowboy thing, you.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: Know, and cowboy and in itself kind of keeps you
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: in this bubble of where that's all you do.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: I mean, that's your life.
• 5:44
  Speaker 7: Yeah, it's a very you know, and I think that's
• 5:47
  Speaker 7: half the appeal was kind of an ind It's very
• 5:49
  Speaker 7: this very independent, you know, freedom sort of driven existence.
• 5:54
  Speaker 7: So that was my that was kind of what I enjoyed,
• 5:57
  Speaker 7: and I was comfortable with that.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: What do you think Cowboy and Though taught you about?
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: I mean, maybe not marriage, but just like life in general,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: because I think I'll be I've said this before, just
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: in this short the past year of having chickens, I
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: feel like I've learned a lot about myself and so
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: animals can really teach us a lot. So you know,
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: I mean you're surrounded by animals. You cowboyed for how long?
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Eight years?
• 6:24
  Speaker 7: Yeah, I mean I've you know, my whole life, I've
• 6:26
  Speaker 7: been around you know, I've done nothing but I raised animals.
• 6:29
  Speaker 7: And you know, wasn't the third bread thing before I
• 6:33
  Speaker 7: was out there, and so it's always been you know,
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  Speaker 7: it's always been animals. I guess to answer your question
• 6:41
  Speaker 7: specifically with you know, Cowboy and Ranching wherever you want to.
• 6:44
  Speaker 7: However you want to refer to it just being self sufficient,
• 6:48
  Speaker 7: being okay with being.
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  Speaker 4: Alone. I guess you know, when you're on in the.
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  Speaker 7: Middle of one hundred and fifty thousand acres and there's
• 6:59
  Speaker 7: no cell phone, risk, there's no Wi Fi, there's no
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  Speaker 7: you know, you kind of get you get very comfortable
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  Speaker 7: just being self reliant.
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  Speaker 2: But it also teaches you, I think too.
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  Speaker 1: It teaches you when when you've got animals depending on you.
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  Speaker 1: It teaches you this level of dependability that I think
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  Speaker 1: transfers or trans you know, translates well into marriage. Because
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: that's one thing that I would say about you in
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  Speaker 1: terms of one of your best qualities is you're extremely dependable.
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: You're extremely loyal. I mean you're like, I.
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  Speaker 4: Mean, I'll take it. I'll take it like a boy.
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  Speaker 2: Scout right, Like you're like the ultimate boy scout.
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  Speaker 1: Like I know that no matter what I can, I
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  Speaker 1: can depend on you when when things kind of fall through,
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  Speaker 1: that you'll have you'll have a plan and you'll you know,
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  Speaker 1: you'll be there to have my back.
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  Speaker 4: I mean, I guess there is that kind of code.
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  Speaker 7: I suppose from out West, specifically in Cavilly, you know,
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  Speaker 7: you just you're you're only as good as your word.
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  Speaker 4: You say you're going to do something, it's just you know,
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  Speaker 4: it's as good as done.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, You've got a lot of little sayings like that though.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean I hold that stuff. That's very important
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  Speaker 4: to me.
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  Speaker 2: What's the one you always say about to JP do
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  Speaker 2: what you say you're going to do? And I don't
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  Speaker 2: know you got a lot of them.
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  Speaker 3: I can't.
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  Speaker 4: I am pretty clever.
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  Speaker 2: You are. You're very clever, honey. That's another thing I
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  Speaker 2: learn about you.
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  Speaker 7: But no, yeah, I mean it's not to turn this
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  Speaker 7: into just like talking about ranching and stuff, but right now, yeah,
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  Speaker 7: I know it's a Yeah. I mean your whole existence
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  Speaker 7: is you know, you're out there in twenty below zero
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  Speaker 7: and it's blowing sideways and snowing and raining and everything else,
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  Speaker 7: and you're miserable, working eighteen hour days and all just
• 8:37
  Speaker 7: to keep these animals alive that are doing their best
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  Speaker 7: to not do it.
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  Speaker 2: Sounds like marriage. No, no, no, no, it really.
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  Speaker 5: Is something to keep me alive, isn't it.
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  Speaker 3: Oh?
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  Speaker 1: Yes, yes, So I think that's one one big thing
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  Speaker 1: I think when we were traveling together that I came
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  Speaker 1: back and told Josh, I was like, good Lord, without Donald's.
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  Speaker 2: Sard be dead.
• 9:02
  Speaker 5: Like that's really only how I am with my husband.
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  Speaker 5: Like I navigated New York by myself, you know, I
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: went to New York City. I've had to take I
• 9:13
  Speaker 5: went and took my daughter to Chicago. Like when I
• 9:15
  Speaker 5: have to be on, I can switch it on. But
• 9:18
  Speaker 5: the wonderful, beautiful, feminine thing about my husband is that
• 9:21
  Speaker 5: he's always a leader, and so I don't have to
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  Speaker 5: I don't have to care, I don't have to think.
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  Speaker 5: And I've gotten very used to that dynamic. And I'm sorry,
• 9:29
  Speaker 5: baby that that puts a lot of stress and pressure
• 9:32
  Speaker 5: on you, but it's such a relief for me. You know,
• 9:35
  Speaker 5: I was a single mom for a really long time,
• 9:37
  Speaker 5: you know, a truly single mom, like they did not
• 9:40
  Speaker 5: have another parent. And at that time, I was taking
• 9:42
  Speaker 5: care of my mom, I was staying care of my dad.
• 9:44
  Speaker 5: I was saying care of my girls.
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: And when you weren't a single parent, you're still kind of.
• 9:47
  Speaker 5: A Yes, I was because their dad, unfortunately just didn't
• 9:51
  Speaker 5: have the capacity to really be a great dad. And
• 9:55
  Speaker 5: so I think I've maybe I've taken it too far.
• 9:59
  Speaker 5: I don't know, but I just love that feeling of
• 10:01
  Speaker 5: being able to turn my brain off and I feel
• 10:03
  Speaker 5: one hundred percent safe and secure to do that with
• 10:05
  Speaker 5: my husband.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 10:06
  Speaker 6: Well, I mean also, I think one of the main
• 10:09
  Speaker 6: things of a man is like a cowboyan like you, like,
• 10:12
  Speaker 6: men want to fill a purpose and like, I know,
• 10:14
  Speaker 6: maybe it's small, but like to me, Josh and I
• 10:16
  Speaker 6: couldn't have grown up any different, it doesn't seem It
• 10:19
  Speaker 6: seems like our stories have been completely opposite up until
• 10:21
  Speaker 6: about the past two years. Yeah, until we all met
• 10:23
  Speaker 6: each other. Josh and I'm probably learned that now I
• 10:27
  Speaker 6: don't remember, but just I grew up with a single
• 10:31
  Speaker 6: mother and a father that wasn't around, and I was
• 10:33
  Speaker 6: an only child, so I was always alone. I was
• 10:36
  Speaker 6: always wanting that big family, you know. I'd watched to
• 10:39
  Speaker 6: leave it to Beaver and like just vision, like wow,
• 10:42
  Speaker 6: that's the way life's supposed to be. I was jealous
• 10:45
  Speaker 6: my dad wasn't around all this, so it kind of
• 10:46
  Speaker 6: made me grow up with this longing like I want
• 10:49
  Speaker 6: to be a good dad, Like that's the only thing
• 10:51
  Speaker 6: I ever Like, first thing every wanted to be was
• 10:53
  Speaker 6: the right fielder for the Atlanta Braves and the second
• 10:55
  Speaker 6: thing was I wanted to grow up and be a
• 10:57
  Speaker 6: good dad and a husband that wasn't going to be around.
• 10:59
  Speaker 6: And I think that got imprinted so early in me,
• 11:02
  Speaker 6: and I joined the military at a young age, and
• 11:05
  Speaker 6: so I got I got flying, and I was just
• 11:07
  Speaker 6: sitting here think when you were talking about the contrast
• 11:09
  Speaker 6: about like you're so independent, you're out on your own
• 11:11
  Speaker 6: in the West, your cowboy, Well, with me, it was
• 11:14
  Speaker 6: more like it was me and sixteen sweaty guys living
• 11:16
  Speaker 6: in a room this size for a year and a half.
• 11:18
  Speaker 6: Like it's just family team. You know, you can you
• 11:22
  Speaker 6: know what the guy across me smells like, you can
• 11:24
  Speaker 6: have your eyes closed, I know who walk in. It's
• 11:26
  Speaker 6: just it's so intimate and personal. And I think that's
• 11:29
  Speaker 6: a lot of when I came back from the military,
• 11:32
  Speaker 6: I'd still have that drive to be a family man.
• 11:34
  Speaker 6: All every wanted to do was have kids, and like thought,
• 11:37
  Speaker 6: I might have died a few times overseas. So it's
• 11:40
  Speaker 6: kind of why I think that a lot of military
• 11:42
  Speaker 6: men we jump into that first relationship. It's like all right,
• 11:44
  Speaker 6: we gotta do this, I gotta get this, Nonyeah. This
• 11:45
  Speaker 6: is how you do it. Like you went kids, so
• 11:47
  Speaker 6: you gotta get married, And I would have married the
• 11:49
  Speaker 6: first person I found saw when I got back, probably,
• 11:53
  Speaker 6: But then moving along, like I said, I just think
• 11:56
  Speaker 6: it's completely different the way, like I've always been drawn
• 11:59
  Speaker 6: towards a tight unit of family, and that's just the
• 12:03
  Speaker 6: kind of the way I feel now. To protectulate, I'm
• 12:06
  Speaker 6: leaving this weekend and I'm stressing out because I'm leaving
• 12:09
  Speaker 6: my kids and wife at home, and like, I'm excited
• 12:11
  Speaker 6: about the trip, but I'm like, dang it. It's like
• 12:13
  Speaker 6: you know, when you're playing something in months.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: In advance, it comes up, Yeah, oh yeah, how can
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: I get out of this? Yeah?
• 12:24
  Speaker 6: Yeah.
• 12:25
  Speaker 2: They were super excited.
• 12:26
  Speaker 4: Claimer we were.
• 12:27
  Speaker 7: We were on vacation on the ass got us at
• 12:29
  Speaker 7: a very vulnerable time. We were happy on the beach
• 12:32
  Speaker 7: about five hours, and.
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: Then the day came and Josh was like, oh man,
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: we're still doing this.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: Donald was like do we do? We are? We are
• 12:43
  Speaker 3: we doing this? And like this And I could just
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: see it on his faces, like, you.
• 12:47
  Speaker 4: Know, we said we would mean what you say.
• 12:50
  Speaker 5: That's right and that and that is a quality that
• 12:54
  Speaker 5: is so attractive in a man. Because I work with
• 12:57
  Speaker 5: so many clients whose spout I won't just say men
• 13:02
  Speaker 5: or husbands, because gosh, women can be really difficult in
• 13:06
  Speaker 5: relationships too, But to have a spouse that you can
• 13:09
  Speaker 5: rely on that when they say they're going to do something,
• 13:12
  Speaker 5: they do it right. And I mean everybody forgets things
• 13:15
  Speaker 5: every now and then, but for the most part, you
• 13:17
  Speaker 5: can trust if they do forget, they're going to turn
• 13:19
  Speaker 5: right around and go do it, because you know that's
• 13:21
  Speaker 5: just who they are, and they're not going to let
• 13:23
  Speaker 5: you down. They're not going to drop the ball for you.
• 13:26
  Speaker 5: And you know, I watched my parents grow up, and
• 13:29
  Speaker 5: I watched my dad drop.
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: The ball literally every single time.
• 13:33
  Speaker 5: And so, you know, we were talking before we came
• 13:35
  Speaker 5: in here about you know, Donald saying, my mom not
• 13:39
  Speaker 5: pick up this package on the porch, so he's got it,
• 13:40
  Speaker 5: don't worry about it to my mom, and she picked
• 13:42
  Speaker 5: it up anyway. It's because my mom had to grow
• 13:45
  Speaker 5: up with a husband that she could absolutely not depend on,
• 13:49
  Speaker 5: and so she dove straight headfirst into her masculine energy
• 13:52
  Speaker 5: of having to control and take care of everything. And
• 13:55
  Speaker 5: I've been there before, and it is not a fun
• 13:57
  Speaker 5: place to be. It is really fun to be in
• 13:59
  Speaker 5: my eminine energy and to be like.
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: I'm working on it.
• 14:04
  Speaker 5: Yeah, Rains Rain is a little more dominant.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: On it and I am, and you know, and we've
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: we've had to work through this a little bit because
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: and again I don't want to use this as as
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: a crutch, but when you're a single parent for a
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: long time and you've been calling all the shots for
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: a long time and it's just you know, you and
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: your child, and you have a certain way of doing things,
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: it's kind of hard to relinquish that control.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: And I still struggle a little bit.
• 14:32
  Speaker 4: I mean that's understandable.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: Even on even before we came here. I was like,
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: you're gonna wear that.
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: He's like, oh, I'm gonna make sure that. Donald's like,
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: did your wife tell you what to wear? To know?
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: Plan that to wear? The cowboy heads?
• 14:46
  Speaker 4: Just lay my clothes out for me before I know.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: So he made Yeah, he made a joke because you know,
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: I do have a tendency to kind of nitpick and and.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: Try to control every like even the little.
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: Things, you know, And and uh, I don't I don't
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: want to do that because I think is when then
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: we we do take on too big.
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: Of a load.
• 15:03
  Speaker 5: Yes, and it makes us very, very unhappy. And so
• 15:06
  Speaker 5: then women get really caught up in this trap of like, well,
• 15:09
  Speaker 5: I want it done my way, but then I'm also
• 15:10
  Speaker 5: really mad that I have to take control right, all right?
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: And that was my mom growing up.
• 15:14
  Speaker 5: And so I've learned, you know, especially in this marriage,
• 15:18
  Speaker 5: that even if it's done differently than I would do it,
• 15:23
  Speaker 5: I'm just appreciative that it's done and I can trust him.
• 15:26
  Speaker 5: I can trust most of the time for most things. Yeah,
• 15:30
  Speaker 5: I can trust that if he takes care of it's
• 15:31
  Speaker 5: gonna be done right.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: That's right, And that's I'm so I'm working on a baby.
• 15:37
  Speaker 7: I mean, it's sort of it's the same thing. It's
• 15:39
  Speaker 7: I mean I was You were set in your ways
• 15:42
  Speaker 7: and I was set in mine, and you know, it's
• 15:44
  Speaker 7: it's an adjustment.
• 15:45
  Speaker 4: But yeah, this is.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: Both of our first marriages, so you know, it's a well,
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: you know, there's a bigger learning curve I think for
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: us in terms of trying to to navigate and relinquish
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: some of that independence. But I think another thing that
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: makes our marriage really beautiful and something that is really
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: important in marriage is you know, fostering each other's independence.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: And I think that that's something that you know, all
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: four of us do very well. And you know, I
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: mean there's multiple nights that you know, you want to
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: go out and hang out at Brett's and and do
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: your guy thing. And at first, you know, I was
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: a little like and then you know, but now I'm okay, go.
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: On, I'm good.
• 16:23
  Speaker 6: I'm good around the house anywhere.
• 16:28
  Speaker 7: Evidence tough, like it's a tough adjustment, you know, pick
• 16:32
  Speaker 7: on you a little bit where it's like.
• 16:34
  Speaker 4: For example, can somebody just please make a decision around here?
• 16:38
  Speaker 4: You know, can somebody please just decide where we're going
• 16:40
  Speaker 4: to go eat? Okay, how about here?
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: No, I don't want to go there?
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Yeah, gell every once in a while, you know, I mean,
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: I'm pretty type A and have been very type A
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: my my entire life, and so.
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: You know, I want to There's something to be said,
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: like you said, Sarah, about slipping into it, and sometimes
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: we have to remind ourselves to do it right, to
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: slip into that feminine energy and just be like, Okay,
• 17:05
  Speaker 2: you know what. I think you said something on the
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: beach that was really beautiful.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: You guys were out, you know, talking or whatever. You're
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: probably in the water, You're like nine hours something you did,
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: you were a total fish and you were just like,
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: you know, sometimes I just you know, Donald will say
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: something and I know it's wrong, but I just, you know,
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: I'm just like, okay, baby, yes of course, and I'm
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: like that would I need to do that more.
• 17:28
  Speaker 2: Don's like, wait a minute. I'm never wrong. I am
• 17:31
  Speaker 2: never wrong, but.
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: I need to do that more because if I felt
• 17:35
  Speaker 1: like Josh was wrong, I'd be like.
• 17:36
  Speaker 3: No, you're wrong.
• 17:38
  Speaker 7: You know well, and I think too, that's part of Yeah,
• 17:43
  Speaker 7: it's we've always talked about how it's kind of a
• 17:45
  Speaker 7: blessing anachars that we met, you know later on. Yeah,
• 17:48
  Speaker 7: but yeah, I think it's there were past all the
• 17:52
  Speaker 7: you know, the we can be direct with.
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: Each other yes's and not get offended.
• 17:58
  Speaker 4: Right.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: So I mean again speaking of marriage, and and you
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: know how why we feel like our marriages work so
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: well is because offensiveness really isn't something that we've even partaken.
• 18:13
  Speaker 5: I'm a little sensitive, was going what I don't I
• 18:17
  Speaker 5: don't get offended, but I do. There's a part of
• 18:21
  Speaker 5: me that has to step back and regulate it. Yeah,
• 18:24
  Speaker 5: which is part of what I what I talk to
• 18:26
  Speaker 5: people about all day long about being secure as catching correct, right, So, yes,
• 18:31
  Speaker 5: it hits me initially, and I might get that initial offense.
• 18:35
  Speaker 5: But if it's big enough, I'll say something. If it's not,
• 18:37
  Speaker 5: I'll just regulate inside of myself and be like, that's
• 18:40
  Speaker 5: not a big deal, right, you know what I mean.
• 18:42
  Speaker 6: I mean, I was in the army for eleven years
• 18:44
  Speaker 6: and in a leadership position at some point, so I
• 18:46
  Speaker 6: don't really speak kindly a lot. It's not what I say,
• 18:52
  Speaker 6: but when I'm trying to get something across, sometimes it
• 18:56
  Speaker 6: can come off a little harsh. It can come children according.
• 18:59
  Speaker 5: To well, I think there's a difference between little boys
• 19:03
  Speaker 5: and little girls, and so like, if you say something
• 19:06
  Speaker 5: direct to Lexi, she's gonna be like, you know, and
• 19:11
  Speaker 5: she doesn't handle the directness like as well. But then
• 19:16
  Speaker 5: you'll I can see you starting out direct, and then
• 19:18
  Speaker 5: I can see you as you're saying it, softening your
• 19:21
  Speaker 5: tone based on her response, which is a beautiful Which
• 19:26
  Speaker 5: is a beautiful quality. I mean it comes from our
• 19:27
  Speaker 5: fa hypervigilance, right, But we're both like that with each other.
• 19:31
  Speaker 5: Like we might start out a certain way and then
• 19:32
  Speaker 5: we can read the expression and so then we sort
• 19:34
  Speaker 5: of like change it as we're going to navigate each
• 19:39
  Speaker 5: other's sensitivities. And I've always been told I'm an extremely
• 19:42
  Speaker 5: sensitive person. And I saw a quote the other day
• 19:44
  Speaker 5: that I thought was really beautiful, which was like, the
• 19:46
  Speaker 5: girls that were told they were over sensitive are now
• 19:48
  Speaker 5: the women that are teaching the world about empathy. And
• 19:51
  Speaker 5: I felt that so hard because I view my sensitivity
• 19:54
  Speaker 5: as a good quality, although for most of my life
• 19:58
  Speaker 5: I didn't know how to regulate my the actions, and
• 20:01
  Speaker 5: now I do much I could. I could learn to
• 20:05
  Speaker 5: be like, Okay, that might sting for a second, but
• 20:09
  Speaker 5: then I can go back to the tools that I
• 20:11
  Speaker 5: teach other people, which are, let's go to objective rational thought.
• 20:15
  Speaker 5: Let's go to feeling anything you have in your body
• 20:18
  Speaker 5: and breathing through the difficulty, because then you come to rationality.
• 20:22
  Speaker 5: Through that those tools, you come to an objective lens.
• 20:26
  Speaker 5: And it might take me a moment or two and
• 20:28
  Speaker 5: you might notice, like my quietness and be like, well
• 20:32
  Speaker 5: did I say that bad?
• 20:33
  Speaker 3: Did I say that right?
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: Well, in direct with each other, and then we just
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: like and then it's just done and over with.
• 20:46
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, we don't like, we don't really dwell
• 20:49
  Speaker 4: on stuff. It's just kind of you know, and.
• 20:53
  Speaker 3: I can see how that's a good fit for you to.
• 20:55
  Speaker 5: I think Donald and I we have been through lots
• 20:59
  Speaker 5: of trauma mm hm, and so I think we can
• 21:02
  Speaker 5: respect and appreciate where each other's pain points are. Yeah,
• 21:06
  Speaker 5: and we can do maybe a little bit extra to
• 21:09
  Speaker 5: navigate those things.
• 21:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: One thing I want to talk about that I think
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: is really relative is blended families. Yeah, and because you know,
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: we're we both sit here and are in blended families.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: You know, you guys are kind of like the Brady Bunch,
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: and then of course.
• 21:26
  Speaker 3: We sure are.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: And then of course Josh, you know, has a step
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: son with John Paul, and which is you know, step
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: parenting in itself, I think is a difficult role to
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: navigate and learn how to you know, navigate it within
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: your marriage, and then learning how to navigate it with
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: the children themselves.
• 21:42
  Speaker 2: And so I just you know, I want I want
• 21:46
  Speaker 2: to get a little bit of your perspective on.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: What maybe somebody who is in a similar situation and
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: you you know, comes into a marriage, doesn't have any
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: children of their own, but has this step son who
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: maybe is older, you know, and and just what your
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: experience has been and how you've learned how to sort
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: of navigate that.
• 22:06
  Speaker 7: I think I'm still learning how to navigate it. That's
• 22:08
  Speaker 7: probably only to test thing I've probably ever been faced with,
• 22:13
  Speaker 7: because there's you know, it's hard not to sometimes feel
• 22:17
  Speaker 7: like you're you know, you all had this little insular
• 22:22
  Speaker 7: you know, you've you've been together for you know, at
• 22:25
  Speaker 7: the time we met fifteen years, fourteen fifteen years, and
• 22:28
  Speaker 7: then there's just me coming in kind of not nowhere
• 22:30
  Speaker 7: to be and not knowing where I fit in and
• 22:34
  Speaker 7: not feeling comfortable, you know, being a disciplinarian and things
• 22:38
  Speaker 7: like that. I just feel like it's you know, it's
• 22:41
  Speaker 7: a tough It'd been different if you come in earlier
• 22:44
  Speaker 7: in the child's life, when they're younger and that sort
• 22:46
  Speaker 7: of thing, but I felt like.
• 22:48
  Speaker 6: It's not that much easier. Yeah, it's pretty different.
• 22:52
  Speaker 7: But you know, as a guy who've never had kids
• 22:53
  Speaker 7: or anything like that, you know, it's a it's a
• 22:55
  Speaker 7: whole new it's a whole new thing, and it's there
• 22:58
  Speaker 7: you're you're navigating.
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: This and it's been something I think too, with our marriage,
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: that we've had to give and take a lot and
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: I think with blended families you do because as a parent,
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: and both of you of course were when y'all got together,
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: you're just really protective of your offspring.
• 23:19
  Speaker 2: And no matter what.
• 23:21
  Speaker 6: It's insanely well, it's not anymore because times past, and
• 23:25
  Speaker 6: I mean the girls are like no, no, no, pretty much
• 23:27
  Speaker 6: are yeah.
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: I mean you're adopting them. They're going to be legally well.
• 23:30
  Speaker 6: I mean I consider them true. But but in the beginning,
• 23:33
  Speaker 6: it's kind of hard because like, because you have your
• 23:36
  Speaker 6: child that you've always done this with, and you do that,
• 23:38
  Speaker 6: and then there's this other child who's not been parented
• 23:40
  Speaker 6: the same way, who doesn't understand your quirks and your annoyances,
• 23:43
  Speaker 6: like especially mean, I'm a big respect like and you know,
• 23:48
  Speaker 6: standing up, speaking straight, like don't back talk, don't mumble
• 23:51
  Speaker 6: while you're walking, don't talk with your hands in your mouth,
• 23:54
  Speaker 6: and so it's little things like that that I had.
• 23:57
  Speaker 6: I think they felt constantly criticized, but really, I'm just
• 23:59
  Speaker 6: trying to tell you. And so then I've had to
• 24:01
  Speaker 6: put this. I had to put this lens on one day.
• 24:02
  Speaker 6: I remember it was I don't know, maybe a year
• 24:04
  Speaker 6: into a relationship, and I had to be like, and
• 24:06
  Speaker 6: I don't know if as Lexi or Gabby was doing something,
• 24:09
  Speaker 6: and I had to sit and think, and I was like,
• 24:10
  Speaker 6: what would I have Lily did that my daughter? Like
• 24:14
  Speaker 6: would I get upset about it? Or would I just
• 24:15
  Speaker 6: brush it off at oh, she's just being a kid,
• 24:17
  Speaker 6: or am I getting upset because it's it's something different
• 24:20
  Speaker 6: that I can't control, And so really having to look
• 24:23
  Speaker 6: through that lens of like, Okay, comparatively, if they're both
• 24:26
  Speaker 6: doing the same thing, how am I going to react?
• 24:28
  Speaker 6: Because it is a little easier to go a little
• 24:30
  Speaker 6: harder on somebody else's kid. It is, for sure, it's
• 24:35
  Speaker 6: harder because you haven't you weren't you know there the birthing,
• 24:39
  Speaker 6: the y wiping the diapers, like that's a connection that
• 24:42
  Speaker 6: I don't have. But I feel like we're building a
• 24:44
  Speaker 6: good connection. But in the beginning, it's really hard to
• 24:46
  Speaker 6: find that because you're super connected. Yeah, I love my
• 24:49
  Speaker 6: kids or my life and now I have four instead
• 24:52
  Speaker 6: of two, like they're my life. But it's so hard
• 24:54
  Speaker 6: to just and for me, it's hard to portray that
• 24:58
  Speaker 6: I'm not like criticizing because much set with you. But
• 25:01
  Speaker 6: I spent my entire life. I never had that, never
• 25:05
  Speaker 6: had a bother, and so I grew up just kind
• 25:08
  Speaker 6: of put my foot in my mouth, you know, and
• 25:09
  Speaker 6: embarrassing myself and never being self aware really until I
• 25:13
  Speaker 6: was almost my thirties. And then I'm like, like my
• 25:16
  Speaker 6: kids know now, Like I'm just telling them, like, hey,
• 25:19
  Speaker 6: don't chew with your mouth upright. I don't want to
• 25:21
  Speaker 6: hear you chewing from across the room. It's not because
• 25:23
  Speaker 6: I don't like you. It's because I don't want you
• 25:24
  Speaker 6: going out and doing it.
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: Do better, all right.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: I mean that's what I tell JP all the time
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: when I you know, when I try to correct him
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: and he's like, I'm sorry, and I'm.
• 25:33
  Speaker 4: Like, it's sorry. I want to understand.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: I'll do better. I'll do better. I'll do better, and
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: you know, and it is it's hard because I'm soft
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: I'm a softie, and you know, there are things too
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: that JP will do and I'm just like.
• 25:49
  Speaker 6: Well, Josh is like kind of like me. He's law enforcement,
• 25:52
  Speaker 6: in law enforcement, military, Like we're a little bit like
• 25:55
  Speaker 6: civilians don't understand, you know. It's just it's like loading
• 25:58
  Speaker 6: a bus. They don't know how to do it. Everybody
• 26:00
  Speaker 6: just sits in the front seat, It's like, why do
• 26:02
  Speaker 6: you not fall from the rear? Right, So I think
• 26:05
  Speaker 6: it structure and discipline or just such huge parts of
• 26:08
  Speaker 6: our lives for so long, right, and even cowboy, I mean,
• 26:11
  Speaker 6: you got to be strict. You gotta be structured in
• 26:12
  Speaker 6: discipline if you want to stay alive.
• 26:13
  Speaker 2: It's dangerous, yeah, for sure.
• 26:15
  Speaker 7: Well, the tough thing I think for me too, And
• 26:17
  Speaker 7: it's we've talked about this is how where I don't
• 26:20
  Speaker 7: sometimes you know, I'll see something that he does and
• 26:24
  Speaker 7: I'm like, but I don't feel comfortable getting after him
• 26:29
  Speaker 7: about it, so I'll I feel that, you know that
• 26:32
  Speaker 7: I find myself telling you and then then you always
• 26:34
  Speaker 7: have to be you always have to be.
• 26:36
  Speaker 6: It makes me feel like I'm going to complain, Yeah,
• 26:38
  Speaker 6: and like, why do you always just point out the
• 26:40
  Speaker 6: bad things to do? It's because I don't want to
• 26:41
  Speaker 6: say it to him because I.
• 26:44
  Speaker 1: And then he does feel like I always kind of
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: have to be the heavy, which is different with us,
• 26:49
  Speaker 1: Which is a different dynamic with us because of course
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: my son was was older when Josh came into the picture,
• 26:54
  Speaker 1: and you know, and again there's the whole dynamic of
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: the boy boy, you know, versus like the dad girl
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: you know where it?
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: You know, I don't know. Do you think it.
• 27:04
  Speaker 1: Would have been easier if JP would have been a girl?
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: I know it's kind of hard to say, but.
• 27:14
  Speaker 6: It's a fourteen year old girl to smile right now,
• 27:17
  Speaker 6: It's like, what did I do?
• 27:18
  Speaker 4: The best thing I think she loves where we got really,
• 27:23
  Speaker 4: you know, where.
• 27:23
  Speaker 7: We got fortunate is that we have a lot in
• 27:26
  Speaker 7: common at least, so I sort of right, right, So
• 27:31
  Speaker 7: I sort of eventually I guess to like in a nutshell,
• 27:35
  Speaker 7: where I've found I need to be is not I'm
• 27:39
  Speaker 7: not trying to fill this role of just trying to learn,
• 27:42
  Speaker 7: like which what role to feel right? Like, I don't
• 27:44
  Speaker 7: want to be you know, you just kind of got
• 27:47
  Speaker 7: to learn like what what are you?
• 27:48
  Speaker 4: And what are you not? Right?
• 27:49
  Speaker 7: And I just kind of felt like for him and
• 27:53
  Speaker 7: me and like where he is in his life, he
• 27:55
  Speaker 7: doesn't he needs. All I need to be is you know,
• 27:58
  Speaker 7: a good role model, someone who, yeah, somebody who can
• 28:03
  Speaker 7: demonstrate who he can look to and say, hey, this
• 28:05
  Speaker 7: is how I should you know, treat a woman I love,
• 28:08
  Speaker 7: this is how this is how I should conduct myself
• 28:11
  Speaker 7: to just sort of be a good role model, good example,
• 28:13
  Speaker 7: and somebody that he can that he's comfortable around and
• 28:16
  Speaker 7: can come to and talk to. I'm not trying to
• 28:18
  Speaker 7: be anything beyond that, you know. It's I don't think
• 28:22
  Speaker 7: that's the space I need to fill.
• 28:25
  Speaker 6: The biggest thing I've learned about raising children is that
• 28:28
  Speaker 6: that children and mainly need just consistency. And that's what
• 28:32
  Speaker 6: the hardest thing with a blended family is being consistent. Okay,
• 28:36
  Speaker 6: Like I said, I'm not going to get mad at
• 28:37
  Speaker 6: you for something that you're not doing. And and like
• 28:40
  Speaker 6: even if my kids think I'm a little gruff or
• 28:42
  Speaker 6: mean sometimes I'm they know to expect it. Like, if
• 28:46
  Speaker 6: you do this, you're going to get this out of
• 28:48
  Speaker 6: You grew up with.
• 28:49
  Speaker 5: A mean dad, and you're not a mean dad. But
• 28:53
  Speaker 5: I do have to be the one I have to
• 28:55
  Speaker 5: direct and you you are better than me at holding
• 28:58
  Speaker 5: boundaries with your kids, and I'm learning that as I
• 29:01
  Speaker 5: was on my secure journey, I'm learning more to hold boundaries.
• 29:04
  Speaker 5: But you do remind me that those boundaries are important
• 29:07
  Speaker 5: because I maybe air a little bit more on the
• 29:11
  Speaker 5: side of making sure my kids are validated, because I
• 29:14
  Speaker 5: never want my kids to feel dismissed in their feelings, right,
• 29:17
  Speaker 5: And that's a huge you know, that's a huge part
• 29:19
  Speaker 5: of attachment is emotional attonement, and so I'm really great
• 29:22
  Speaker 5: at the emotional attuonment part. But I don't want my
• 29:25
  Speaker 5: kids to think that then they can take advantage of
• 29:28
  Speaker 5: me because I am so validating to their right and
• 29:31
  Speaker 5: so Donald is so great about being like and you're
• 29:35
  Speaker 5: still not allowed to have your phone right right and
• 29:37
  Speaker 5: put your phone on the dresser right or whatever it is,
• 29:41
  Speaker 5: because if I allowed them to, I mean, especially my oldest,
• 29:46
  Speaker 5: she could sweet talk me into something. But we've learned
• 29:50
  Speaker 5: in our parenting journeys. I think that we have to
• 29:54
  Speaker 5: treat our four kids equally because if we don't that
• 29:58
  Speaker 5: that's real wounding right there. It's real wounding. The wounding
• 30:01
  Speaker 5: of comparison with siblings is profound, absolutely, and I don't
• 30:06
  Speaker 5: want any of our kids to grow up with those wounds.
• 30:08
  Speaker 5: And for me, being a step parent is really easy
• 30:10
  Speaker 5: because they have moms. You know, they they have a mom,
• 30:14
  Speaker 5: and I never want to step on their mother's toes
• 30:21
  Speaker 5: and acts like their mom. For me, I'm just a supporting,
• 30:23
  Speaker 5: loving adult. That's yeah, exactly, that's there to be a
• 30:27
  Speaker 5: role model that's there to support them, that's there to
• 30:29
  Speaker 5: fill in when you know bio, there to love, to
• 30:33
  Speaker 5: show them what a loving wife should look like. That
• 30:38
  Speaker 5: is my goal.
• 30:39
  Speaker 3: Now.
• 30:39
  Speaker 5: For Donald, he's in a little bit of a different
• 30:41
  Speaker 5: situation because their dad is deceased, and so he is
• 30:44
  Speaker 5: dad now, and so he has to come in and
• 30:48
  Speaker 5: have a little bit more of that push and a
• 30:50
  Speaker 5: little bit more of that influence over them.
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you got to It's not that hard.
• 30:59
  Speaker 6: Here's the dynamic. Maybe go take a shower, baby, Go
• 31:01
  Speaker 6: take a shower. Hey, baby, she takes he can take
• 31:03
  Speaker 6: sh Hey, Lexy, go take a shower because your mother.
• 31:05
  Speaker 5: Told you it takes a shower. But Lexi's the most
• 31:11
  Speaker 5: sensitive of all of our children. I think for sure.
• 31:15
  Speaker 5: DJ is sensitive in a different way. DJ is very
• 31:18
  Speaker 5: motivated to be like, have personal achievement, whereas Lexi's Lexi's
• 31:24
  Speaker 5: very motivated to have like this perfectionistic like everybody has
• 31:28
  Speaker 5: to view me well. DJ is more of like I
• 31:31
  Speaker 5: need to view myself well, like I need to do
• 31:33
  Speaker 5: good for myself. And like if he makes a mistake personally,
• 31:36
  Speaker 5: I think he takes it hard because he wants to
• 31:38
  Speaker 5: achieve something for his own personal well being, where Lexi
• 31:42
  Speaker 5: is a little bit more of like I want to
• 31:43
  Speaker 5: make everybody. I want to be pleasing to everybody. And
• 31:46
  Speaker 5: so they're each I mean they're young, so they're each
• 31:49
  Speaker 5: you know, have their own sensitivities and they're changing and
• 31:52
  Speaker 5: they're changing and evolving, and so like lex it's almost
• 31:55
  Speaker 5: been more in Lexi's life than her own biological dad
• 31:57
  Speaker 5: has longer than her own biological father will. But with
• 32:01
  Speaker 5: Gabby it's different. Gabby had a dad for almost ten years, right,
• 32:05
  Speaker 5: and so then Donald like with this adoption, Like Lexi
• 32:09
  Speaker 5: absolutely is going to call Donald dad, and Gabby is
• 32:11
  Speaker 5: still going to call him Donald. And it's a different
• 32:13
  Speaker 5: it's a different dynamic. I don't know, how would you
• 32:15
  Speaker 5: describe it.
• 32:17
  Speaker 6: Yeah, Lexi is a little more needy. It does feel
• 32:19
  Speaker 6: like it's more work to put in because Gabby's kind
• 32:21
  Speaker 6: of she's fourteen, she's a young adult. It's I'm basically
• 32:25
  Speaker 6: there to just like, Hey, your mom's on her way home,
• 32:28
  Speaker 6: you better clean the scrap up.
• 32:29
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm the friend.
• 32:31
  Speaker 6: I don't have to. I'm like, your mom is going
• 32:32
  Speaker 6: to be mad if you don't need this. Harry it's
• 32:35
  Speaker 6: it feels bad. I don't like teaming up against her.
• 32:38
  Speaker 6: But if I can just kind of take the good
• 32:41
  Speaker 6: cup bad cup nice sometimes, Yeah, I have to be
• 32:45
  Speaker 6: the backup all the time, like to becoming to like
• 32:48
  Speaker 6: strategy because she's really mad at you. Get this stuff
• 32:52
  Speaker 6: together right and I can be direct about it.
• 32:55
  Speaker 5: No, you and Gabby have a very special connection, and
• 32:57
  Speaker 5: I think that's really really beautiful because her was a
• 33:00
  Speaker 5: very very harsh person. He was definitely a harsher parent.
• 33:03
  Speaker 5: And for Gabby to get a very loving man in
• 33:07
  Speaker 5: her life, she's never had that. Yeah, she's never had
• 33:10
  Speaker 5: a man come in she's never had a role model
• 33:13
  Speaker 5: from a grandpa or from a father that was this
• 33:16
  Speaker 5: gentle loving I really truly am looking out for your
• 33:20
  Speaker 5: best intentions person, and I know that she feels that
• 33:23
  Speaker 5: with you.
• 33:23
  Speaker 3: And it's a really really beautiful thing to watch.
• 33:25
  Speaker 5: But shifting gears a little bit, Donald, tell everybody a
• 33:30
  Speaker 5: little bit about your own personal journey of what you
• 33:32
  Speaker 5: learned in terms of being ready for a mature relationship.
• 33:35
  Speaker 5: Since you have had two marriages.
• 33:37
  Speaker 6: Yeah, like I said, the first one lasted a few minutes.
• 33:40
  Speaker 6: The second was a little more volatile. It was really.
• 33:43
  Speaker 6: I mean I was just still pretty immature and unhealed,
• 33:48
  Speaker 6: still just super anxious. I mean, I think just the
• 33:51
  Speaker 6: abandonment wounds from my childhood made me very anxiously attached
• 33:54
  Speaker 6: to people. I would always seems to seek out people
• 33:58
  Speaker 6: that weren't the healthiest for me. But I mean I
• 34:01
  Speaker 6: wasn't a healthy person. There's you know, going overseas young,
• 34:05
  Speaker 6: it kind of messes with you and you get a
• 34:06
  Speaker 6: little chip on your shoulder that you're allowed to do
• 34:08
  Speaker 6: other things. Oh, I can drink and I can do this,
• 34:10
  Speaker 6: I can be wild because you don't understand, I mean,
• 34:13
  Speaker 6: in your young twenties, that's what you kind of feel.
• 34:15
  Speaker 6: I think when I once getting older and maturing out
• 34:20
  Speaker 6: of my last relationship of I started out trying to date,
• 34:25
  Speaker 6: you know, the dating scene, I realized how awful it was.
• 34:28
  Speaker 6: Like the women are not saying they're bad, but like
• 34:32
  Speaker 6: people say men are motivated about certain things, well, women
• 34:35
  Speaker 6: are just as bad and it's just as nasty out there.
• 34:38
  Speaker 6: And so after a month or two of that, I
• 34:40
  Speaker 6: was like, you know, I was like I'm done, Like
• 34:43
  Speaker 6: this is I don't want to get married again because
• 34:45
  Speaker 6: I already got too. It's kind of embarrassing. So I
• 34:47
  Speaker 6: don't care. I don't want to I don't want to
• 34:48
  Speaker 6: do that again. And I was at the point I
• 34:50
  Speaker 6: was like, I don't want to date, Like I don't
• 34:51
  Speaker 6: really want to date anybody. I had a house I
• 34:53
  Speaker 6: was living, had three acres, had chickens, had my dogs,
• 34:56
  Speaker 6: had my kids, had everything. Was like, you know what,
• 34:59
  Speaker 6: I'm just gonna I started going back to my childhood church,
• 35:02
  Speaker 6: I started playing the band again, really involved in church.
• 35:05
  Speaker 6: I mean, that's honestly what made me so okay was
• 35:10
  Speaker 6: I took this personal journey alone. I wasn't trying to,
• 35:13
  Speaker 6: you know, build up a relationship and hold this together
• 35:15
  Speaker 6: and worry about somebody else when literally I could just
• 35:18
  Speaker 6: you know, play with my kids and if they weren't there,
• 35:20
  Speaker 6: I could. I would read my Bible, I would do devotionals,
• 35:23
  Speaker 6: I would work out a lot like I was. I
• 35:25
  Speaker 6: would go out to a restaurant and eat by myself,
• 35:27
  Speaker 6: and you know, it's and it really just taught me
• 35:29
  Speaker 6: that I was okay. I didn't have to be anxious.
• 35:31
  Speaker 7: There's something really really awesome about learning that you're okay,
• 35:35
  Speaker 7: like to get comfortable being alone.
• 35:37
  Speaker 6: What it was was it clicked coming one day because
• 35:39
  Speaker 6: I had this huge like wound of no father. And
• 35:42
  Speaker 6: then it just kind of spoke to me reading the
• 35:43
  Speaker 6: Bible one day, I was like, I have a father,
• 35:46
  Speaker 6: and I had a father. I've always had a father
• 35:48
  Speaker 6: here with me that loves me and unconditionally, So that
• 35:51
  Speaker 6: like kind of like put this burden off of me, Like, oh,
• 35:52
  Speaker 6: I don't have to, you know, feel this way anymore.
• 35:56
  Speaker 6: I don't have to hold onto that, and I don't
• 35:58
  Speaker 6: have to be anxious, and I don't have to worry about,
• 36:00
  Speaker 6: you know, being alone, because that was a big fear
• 36:02
  Speaker 6: man was growing up, was being alone. And I learned
• 36:05
  Speaker 6: to embrace that I'm never really alone, right and so
• 36:08
  Speaker 6: and then lo and behold. Then we need like not
• 36:12
  Speaker 6: even on dating webside randomly through Facebook, and yeah, we were.
• 36:16
  Speaker 5: We were just so similar in how are our previous
• 36:21
  Speaker 5: I had one previous marriage, how your last previous marriage unfolded?
• 36:24
  Speaker 5: And the challenges that we faced in our side of
• 36:26
  Speaker 5: our marriages were really unique, and we had some trauma,
• 36:31
  Speaker 5: and then we went on a purposeful sort of like
• 36:34
  Speaker 5: healing journey to just really be comfortable alone. And that
• 36:37
  Speaker 5: is not what a lot of my clients want to
• 36:40
  Speaker 5: hear when I say, if you have any level of
• 36:41
  Speaker 5: attachment anxiety, whether that's fearful avoidance or true anxious, preoccupied attachment,
• 36:46
  Speaker 5: you have to learn to be alone.
• 36:49
  Speaker 3: You have to learn to be okay.
• 36:51
  Speaker 2: It's the first step.
• 36:52
  Speaker 5: You know. My good friend Ashley who led me to Jesus,
• 36:55
  Speaker 5: she said, if God told you tomorrow that there was
• 36:58
  Speaker 5: no one coming for you, that this dream of love
• 37:01
  Speaker 5: for you wasn't going to happen and it was just
• 37:03
  Speaker 5: going to be Him and you, would you be okay
• 37:06
  Speaker 5: with it? And when I finally got to the place
• 37:09
  Speaker 5: where I knew that answer was yes, that is like
• 37:11
  Speaker 5: immediately when I met them.
• 37:13
  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, So it was crazy.
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think, you know, I mean, my spiritual journey
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: had started long before I met Josh, you know, because
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: I think my spiritual journey started, you know, in the
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: midst of my custody battle. And you know I've talked
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: about that on past episodes. But you know, I mean
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: I'm still on a spiritual journey. I mean it's still
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: ever evolving. But I will say, right before I met Josh,
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: I had gotten to this point where I wasn't cynical,
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: you know, there was no cynicism. I was just like,
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: you know what, if I don't get married, it's not
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: the worst thing.
• 37:50
  Speaker 5: I remember telling me that, like, you know, if it
• 37:52
  Speaker 5: doesn't happen for me, it's okay.
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah. I'm like, I have this beautiful child, I have
• 37:55
  Speaker 2: a good life. I like myself.
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: You know, I've got a good community. I'm surrounded by
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: good friends, is good family. You know, if I don't
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: get married.
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: It's totally okay.
• 38:04
  Speaker 3: And then Josh came along and then there he was, Yeah, honestly,
• 38:07
  Speaker 3: like there's something to that. But I really believe that there's.
• 38:10
  Speaker 2: Something letting.
• 38:14
  Speaker 7: Yeah, there's anybody out there like like starting to doubt it,
• 38:17
  Speaker 7: and it literally happens when you least expect it.
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: It's in the letting go.
• 38:20
  Speaker 3: It is in the letting go.
• 38:22
  Speaker 6: Yeah, if you if you're constantly seeking that, like you're
• 38:25
  Speaker 6: gonna ignore red flag, you're gonna to lower your standards
• 38:28
  Speaker 6: and you're not going to be the best version of
• 38:29
  Speaker 6: yourself because that's the best. And that was the number
• 38:33
  Speaker 6: one thing I learned about being alone is that I'll
• 38:36
  Speaker 6: never be able to make somebody else happy.
• 38:39
  Speaker 2: That's right, that's nobody. Nobody can make you.
• 38:42
  Speaker 6: Nobody can make me happy. The only thing that the
• 38:44
  Speaker 6: best thing I can do is I can work on
• 38:46
  Speaker 6: myself and I can be secure, and I can show
• 38:49
  Speaker 6: up honestly and genuine and if that makes you happy,
• 38:52
  Speaker 6: then that's awesome.
• 38:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, And if not, then it's my problem.
• 38:56
  Speaker 6: I'm not responsible for you.
• 38:58
  Speaker 3: That's right, You're not.
• 38:58
  Speaker 5: I mean, if we're responsible for the environment that we create,
• 39:01
  Speaker 5: but we're not responsible for how for other people's emotions?
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 39:05
  Speaker 3: Because I can show.
• 39:06
  Speaker 5: Up the most secure, best I can give you the
• 39:09
  Speaker 5: best response, and at the end of the day, whatever
• 39:11
  Speaker 5: you have going on in you, if you don't respond
• 39:14
  Speaker 5: to that, well there's nothing I can do to control that.
• 39:16
  Speaker 5: And I think we understand that about each other very well.
• 39:19
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I mean I don't know where I hearpe. I mean,
• 39:21
  Speaker 6: it seems almost it's like it's it's kind of selfish
• 39:24
  Speaker 6: to think that you're responsible for somebody else's emotions. So, yeah,
• 39:26
  Speaker 6: I'm so important that I'm the only way you can
• 39:28
  Speaker 6: be happy. I need to fix this because I am
• 39:31
  Speaker 6: so important to right.
• 39:32
  Speaker 5: Right, And if I've said it once, I've said it
• 39:34
  Speaker 5: a thousand times. If you are in a space where
• 39:36
  Speaker 5: you're saying, how do I get my partner to do
• 39:39
  Speaker 5: X y Z, you're in the wrong space. It's how
• 39:41
  Speaker 5: can I show up the best version of myself so
• 39:44
  Speaker 5: that I don't have any regret? And however they take
• 39:47
  Speaker 5: that is how they take that. And I have to
• 39:48
  Speaker 5: relinquish that control because we will suffer so much pain
• 39:52
  Speaker 5: and so much anxiety believing that we have that control.
• 39:55
  Speaker 6: And the enemy Satan will use people closest to you.
• 39:59
  Speaker 6: When you're working on yourself and you feel like you're
• 40:01
  Speaker 6: getting better and you're in a relationship that maybe somebody
• 40:04
  Speaker 6: who's not going on that walk with you, they're going
• 40:05
  Speaker 6: to be like, what's wrong with you?
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: Why?
• 40:07
  Speaker 6: They're going to try to.
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: They'll eventually phase out.
• 40:10
  Speaker 6: Yeah, the enemy will use We'll try to use the
• 40:11
  Speaker 6: people closest to you. If you can't get to you,
• 40:14
  Speaker 6: then then it will come that way and you and
• 40:17
  Speaker 6: but the only like I said, you can't get your
• 40:20
  Speaker 6: validation from other people. I mean, my validation comes from God,
• 40:25
  Speaker 6: that's right, then my wife and then my kids and
• 40:27
  Speaker 6: that order. Yeah, my kids can't come to me and
• 40:29
  Speaker 6: tell me something that I'm not going to go to
• 40:31
  Speaker 6: her about and make sure it's okay with her. Yeah,
• 40:35
  Speaker 6: we don't do that and they know that.
• 40:36
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I think, if anything, what our kids know is
• 40:38
  Speaker 5: that we are an absolute team and that we are
• 40:41
  Speaker 5: like it's I mean, let's face it, it's like, it's
• 40:45
  Speaker 5: we want our family to think of our family as
• 40:47
  Speaker 5: a team. We want our family to be like it's
• 40:49
  Speaker 5: the Hensley's against the rest of the world, right with
• 40:52
  Speaker 5: God on our side, and we want to have we
• 40:55
  Speaker 5: want to install that kind of like loyalty and love
• 40:58
  Speaker 5: for each other as a family. And don't don't know,
• 41:00
  Speaker 5: I are very much on the same page. But just
• 41:02
  Speaker 5: to kind of wrap this up, you know, I think
• 41:05
  Speaker 5: because you are the fourth link that gets searched on Google.
• 41:09
  Speaker 3: And I verified that when when you google doctor Sarah.
• 41:12
  Speaker 5: Hensley, it's doctor sarihs doctor Sarah Hensley's husband is the
• 41:16
  Speaker 5: fourth search down no matter what. But the thing about
• 41:24
  Speaker 5: I think what people, I mean, yes, I am in
• 41:26
  Speaker 5: the limelight, and I know that that's hard sometimes. I
• 41:28
  Speaker 5: know that, you know, I get thousands of messages a day.
• 41:32
  Speaker 5: I mean, my face is everywhere. I think you handle
• 41:35
  Speaker 5: it beautifully given what a private person you like to be.
• 41:39
  Speaker 5: But tell tell our listeners, tell our audience what because
• 41:43
  Speaker 5: I brag on our marriage all the time, but sometimes
• 41:45
  Speaker 5: I wonder.
• 41:45
  Speaker 3: If people think that I'm just blowing smoke.
• 41:47
  Speaker 5: So from your perspective, tell people about our marriage, what's
• 41:52
  Speaker 5: good about it, what you value about it.
• 41:55
  Speaker 6: I think one of the I think my favorite and
• 41:59
  Speaker 6: one of the most important and things we do is
• 42:01
  Speaker 6: we grace each other a lot. We give each other
• 42:03
  Speaker 6: a lot of grace. I'm not always I'm not a
• 42:06
  Speaker 6: morning person. If I get woke up, it's you better
• 42:09
  Speaker 6: have kevl on because I don't like being woke up
• 42:14
  Speaker 6: because I don't sleep very well. So if I'm asleep
• 42:16
  Speaker 6: and something wakes me up, I am livid. But I
• 42:18
  Speaker 6: mean there are times that I've maybe said something out
• 42:21
  Speaker 6: of line, but we give each other grace.
• 42:23
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm like, oh, you just need some.
• 42:27
  Speaker 6: Too, Yeah. And I think I just think that having
• 42:31
  Speaker 6: empathy understanding that because I think we're both pretty emotionally
• 42:35
  Speaker 6: mature and intelligence, so we can communicate about things and
• 42:39
  Speaker 6: understand what's going on with each other without always necessarily
• 42:42
  Speaker 6: having to break every single thing down. It's like, I
• 42:44
  Speaker 6: know that you're going through something, Okay, I don't need
• 42:46
  Speaker 6: to fix it because sometimes I get a little stressed
• 42:50
  Speaker 6: and you know, I'll turn my phone. I do not
• 42:51
  Speaker 6: serve and go to the gym because being the father,
• 42:54
  Speaker 6: it does a lot of texts that I get are problems.
• 42:58
  Speaker 6: It's just like, hey, my tires low, and I'm like,
• 43:00
  Speaker 6: I'm at the gym. What do you want me to
• 43:02
  Speaker 6: do right now?
• 43:03
  Speaker 4: The dog?
• 43:04
  Speaker 6: Put him on the phone.
• 43:06
  Speaker 3: You want me to tell how bad he was up
• 43:09
  Speaker 3: on the carpet.
• 43:10
  Speaker 6: So I think a lot of it is just just
• 43:13
  Speaker 6: being empathetic that Okay, she's not asking me to fix this.
• 43:17
  Speaker 6: She's just feeling maybe overwhelmed and stressed and wants to
• 43:20
  Speaker 6: know that she's not alone. Yeah, I just have to
• 43:22
  Speaker 6: know that I'm there. Okay, I understand May and Chad
• 43:26
  Speaker 6: or ai responses are making me so nice. I completely understand.
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that doll advice for the day.
• 43:36
  Speaker 5: Now you have to know something about my husband, which
• 43:41
  Speaker 5: you see is extremely sarcastic, and I really this one.
• 43:47
  Speaker 3: Yeah, did you really know?
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: But it's so usual resources.
• 43:53
  Speaker 6: I don't know you were upset about something. Yeah, I
• 43:55
  Speaker 6: was at the gym right before I went on stairs
• 43:57
  Speaker 6: because I was getting a lot of messages. But then
• 43:59
  Speaker 6: it said, okay, honey, I understand it's the iPhone suggestion.
• 44:03
  Speaker 6: It was like, I understand your.
• 44:04
  Speaker 8: Concerns because before I was talking out what do you
• 44:09
  Speaker 8: want me to do?
• 44:15
  Speaker 5: I feel like you don't really ever send me messages
• 44:18
  Speaker 5: like what do you want.
• 44:18
  Speaker 3: Me to do?
• 44:19
  Speaker 5: Like I think if I talked to you in person,
• 44:22
  Speaker 5: the first thing you might be like is how can
• 44:24
  Speaker 5: I help? That is that is usually how you would
• 44:27
  Speaker 5: respond is okay, how can I help?
• 44:29
  Speaker 3: What can I do?
• 44:30
  Speaker 5: But it's more of like what can I do? It's
• 44:31
  Speaker 5: not like what can I do? You're bringing me problems,
• 44:34
  Speaker 5: bring me solusions, that's what you would.
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: I feel like even if sometimes like that, maybe they
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: do have that response like if Josh ever has that
• 44:43
  Speaker 1: response with me, or if ever, if ever he's frustrated,
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: either one I'll give it back to him and it's okay,
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: or I'm just like he's just you know, he's just
• 44:54
  Speaker 1: he didn't get enough sleep last night.
• 44:55
  Speaker 7: He's sounds like an excellent resource.
• 45:00
  Speaker 5: You got the iPhone sixteen and apparently it gets suggest.
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: I want to ask I want to ask you the
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: same question just because you know, I'm curious in terms
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: of you know, our marriage, what would you say, is
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: is the best thing that we do for each other?
• 45:20
  Speaker 1: I mean, you said grace and empathy, which I think
• 45:22
  Speaker 1: are really important.
• 45:25
  Speaker 4: I mean probably, well, that's certainly one of them. I
• 45:28
  Speaker 4: think that.
• 45:31
  Speaker 7: For me anyway, like I've I've always had a hard time,
• 45:34
  Speaker 7: you know, as men were supposed to really control our.
• 45:38
  Speaker 4: You know, emotion.
• 45:40
  Speaker 7: Don't let them let people see your emotion and your
• 45:43
  Speaker 7: vulnerability and being with you know, being with you. I
• 45:46
  Speaker 7: sort of learned that that's I can be, you know,
• 45:48
  Speaker 7: I can be vulnerable, I can be you know, and
• 45:53
  Speaker 7: I feel comfortable with that.
• 45:55
  Speaker 4: I feel like you're the same way.
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: And you apologize very quickly. Thank you for that. Yeah,
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: I think that's a big one.
• 46:03
  Speaker 1: I think we apologize quickly, and we don't hold grudges.
• 46:08
  Speaker 7: Yeah, and we I mean we communicate like we don't.
• 46:10
  Speaker 7: We don't get Yeah, we don't do the passive.
• 46:15
  Speaker 3: Sure communicating.
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: No passive aggressiveness, No, because that is my worst.
• 46:20
  Speaker 2: That's like, that's my pet peeve. Like, don't don't st want.
• 46:24
  Speaker 5: Yeah, pared completely with passive aggressive at all, don't.
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: I'd rather you just be direct and straightforward with me
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: before you.
• 46:37
  Speaker 4: There's something wrong, Let's hash it out, let's work it out,
• 46:40
  Speaker 4: let's talk.
• 46:41
  Speaker 7: There's there's you know, don't just hold it all in,
• 46:47
  Speaker 7: you know, and and then you know and then eventually
• 46:49
  Speaker 7: eventually it's going to come out, and then it's.
• 46:51
  Speaker 1: That is how resentment builds. It is, you know, for
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: our listeners, both female and male. You know, we hope
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: that our marriages one can exemplify what marriages should look
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: like and feel like, and.
• 47:06
  Speaker 2: We try to live that and we don't. We definitely,
• 47:08
  Speaker 2: by no means do everything right.
• 47:10
  Speaker 4: No.
• 47:10
  Speaker 5: Being secure is a lot about correct like catching what
• 47:14
  Speaker 5: you do wrong and correcting it as quickly as possible. Accountability, accountability,
• 47:19
  Speaker 5: that's right, Yeah, apologizing and apologizing quickly and being like
• 47:22
  Speaker 5: an Accountability is just I did this thing or I
• 47:24
  Speaker 5: said this thing, and I realized it didn't go well
• 47:27
  Speaker 5: for you, It didn't land well with you, It impacted
• 47:29
  Speaker 5: you in a way that didn't feel good to you.
• 47:30
  Speaker 5: And even though it wouldn't have impacted me like that
• 47:33
  Speaker 5: or that's not my intention. You have to focus on
• 47:35
  Speaker 5: the impact over intention. And I think that all of
• 47:39
  Speaker 5: us are really good about doing that. We're good about
• 47:41
  Speaker 5: doing that in our friendship and certainly I know that
• 47:44
  Speaker 5: we are good about doing that in our marriage. And
• 47:46
  Speaker 5: so with that being said, I think we need to
• 47:48
  Speaker 5: we need to wrap it up because thank you guys.
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, this is this was I know that y'all weren't.
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: It was stressful getting here, and you.
• 47:56
  Speaker 7: Know it's not necessarily we're both sort of like a
• 48:00
  Speaker 7: little bit for myself. I'm a little more introverted, so
• 48:04
  Speaker 7: this was like I think you both.
• 48:07
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I'm like an introverted extroverty. I like talking to people,
• 48:11
  Speaker 6: but I don't like being put on the spot walk away.
• 48:14
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 48:15
  Speaker 2: Well, y'all did great, and we did.
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: We appreciate you, guys, and we appreciate every single one
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: of you that tunes in every week.
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: We love you guys so much.
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: And of course, like we'll always say, please go check
• 48:26
  Speaker 1: us out at the Daintycoder dot com check out Doctor
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: Hensley Services, which by the time this airs it will.
• 48:31
  Speaker 3: Be the lovedoc dot com.
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: Yes, because the rebranding is about to launch and we
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: cannot wait Monday.
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, we're excited. There's guys. Our merch will be on
• 48:42
  Speaker 2: our website.
• 48:43
  Speaker 5: Too, yeah, like secure as the new Sexy.
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and we'll have our logo like our podcast logo
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: on the on sweatshirts. So you know, if you are
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: a fan, we love you and please go check out
• 48:56
  Speaker 1: that merch, go check out doctor Hensley Services. Than thank
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: you again to our wonderful husbands, and thank you to
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: each and every one of you for tuning in. And
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: until next time, peace, love and perspective MM.