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NARCISSISTS NEVER GROW UP: HERE'S WHY · The Mental Healness Podcast

• 0:00
  What is going on? Beautiful people.
• 0:02
  Lee Hammock, your favorite self aware narcissist here.
• 0:05
  And I got to ask you a question. Have you ever been in an
• 0:08
  argument with a grown adult, like a fully grown human being?
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  Like they could be a CEOA doctor, a lawyer, a teacher,
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  something like that, right? And then suddenly you realize
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  you're talking to or arguing with a 10 year old, right?
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  You, you, you, you just looking at them like how the hell did we
• 0:29
  get here? Why do you have your ears
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  plugged and you sticking your tongue out at me like a kid?
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  Why are you doing this? I know they got some of y'all
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  did it because because today we're talking about the
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  emotional pause button or what's what some people refer to as
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  Arrested Development. And this is the reason why a lot
• 0:49
  of narcissists never grow up emotionally, internally, right?
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  They could grow up like externally you can be A50405060
• 1:00
  year old person and still have the emotional intelligence or
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  the emotional mentality of a 681012 year old, right?
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  I know a lot of y'all don't dealt with that.
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  Don't try to act like you have. I know you feel me what I said
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  that did you. But as much as you feel me, I
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  can understand how you can get frustrated as well.
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  You, you also you feel me, but you're frustrated at the same
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  time y'all. So we're not gonna waste any
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  time. I'm gonna hop right into it.
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  Y'all in psychology, Arrested Development means a person's
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  emotional growth stops at a certain age.
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  And typically that age is the the age of some type of
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  significant trauma or experience or over adult indulgence or
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  something like that, right? For a narcissist, that emotional
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  pause button was pushed very early.
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  They a lot of them, not every single narcissist is
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  traumatized, right? But a lot of narcissists that
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  are traumatized were stunted or emotions.
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  They they stopped their emotional growth at a very young
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  age because something did happen to them.
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  And before we go any further, no, I'm not trying to get you to
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  feel sorry for the narcissistic person.
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  I'm not trying to get you to give them another chance
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  because, well, Lee, I didn't really give them a chance to
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  grow up. I feel like a bad person.
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  I feel like I should do that to them.
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  No, you should absolutely not. They looked Arrested.
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  Development or emotional stunting or either emotional
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  pause button is not an excuse to abuse anybody.
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  Let's get that out the way right now, right?
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  There's not an excuse to abuse anybody.
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  Just think about it like this. Just because they stopped
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  growing emotionally, they physically still grow.
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  They can be extreme. You can get an extremely smart,
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  intelligent person. Like I said in the beginning,
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  you could have a doctor or a lawyer or a teacher or a
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  psychologist that seems like they are 8 years old that argues
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  like a kid that talks to you like a child, right?
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  So they understand the difference between right and
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  wrong. They just do wrong, right?
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  So they can have a high actual intelligence, a high IQ, but
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  their emotional IQ is stuck. It's like he's get stuck on the
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  playground in elementary school or something like that.
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  And that happens to a lot of narcissist.
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  Like it's not their fault. Let me say this.
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  It's not their fault. Did they get emotionally
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  stunted? Like they didn't choose it
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  right? They didn't choose like imagine
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  being born and getting to choose your parents and you pick the
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  abusive parents, right? You're not, you're not going to
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  be. Imagine getting the chance to
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  pick your parents off an assembly line and it says good
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  parent, emotionally intelligent, great parent, great
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  communication skills. Oh, what's this narcissistic
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  parent, toxic parent going to abuse me?
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  Give me that one right there. Please give me that one you that
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  doesn't happen. So again, it's not their fault
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  that they became this way, but it is their responsibility to
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  try to change it to work on themselves.
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  Because when they as an adult, you are responsible for your own
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  actions as these 345 year old, 6 year old, 8 year old.
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  No, you might, you probably you can get this responsibility
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  that's supposed to be kicking in.
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  But overall, you are not responsible for the horrible
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  stuff that happened to you as a child.
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  That's just not how it works, right?
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  And because you're dealing with a narcissist, like emotionally
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  unintelligent narcissist, I'm not going to say do or use the
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  word stupid. Somebody I saw somebody other
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  days like they're narcissists are emotionally stupid, right?
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  That's not emotionally stupid. It's just lack of emotional
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  intelligence, right? Because you're dealing with a
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  person like this, they're going to have temper tantrums, y'all.
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  And when you tell a narcissist no, when you set a boundary,
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  you're not, you're, you're not triggering the mind of an adult
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  that has just has a good logic, right?
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  You're triggering a child's fear.
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  You're triggering some. You could be triggering their
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  trauma and what not whatever happened to them.
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  When you try to hold them accountable when you say no, it
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  might remind them of what happened to them and then they
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  shut completely down and they go off on a tangent and they lose
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  their mind, right? Because you know, a child really
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  doesn't have a lot to say with their words when they get when
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  their feelings get hurt and what not, right?
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  They they're not going to just say I feel hurt and rejected
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  right now. When you deal with a kid, what
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  do they do when you tell them no?
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  When they want a toy or when they want something from the
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  store, what do they do when they tell them?
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  You tell them no, they scream, they yell, some of them throw
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  things, some of them start crying and throwing up and
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  threatening to run away and things of that nature, right?
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  Doesn't that sound like, doesn't that sound like you're possible
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  narcissistic partner threatening to run away because you're
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  trying to hold them again? I'm just going to leave.
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  So let me get this straight. You going to leave me because
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  I'm holding you accountable for something you did, huh?
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  Huh. And from personal experience,
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  y'all when things used to when my wife used to try to hold me
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  accountable, something like that, I would blow up at her
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  right? I used to have narcissistic rage
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  episodes and then also I would give her the silent treatment.
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  Doesn't that sound right? Just think about it like this
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  from a child's perspective. When you when a child is giving
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  you the silent, like when a narcissist give you a silent
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  treatment, aren't they trying to punish you right?
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  Aren't they want the don't they want the attention on them?
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  Just like a kid, you tell a kid no, they plug their ears, they
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  go sit in the corner and they act like they don't hear you.
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  The silent treatment is a childish response because a
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  narcissist 78910 year old brain can't handle the word no.
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  It just doesn't have that. It doesn't have the ability to
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  handle the word no, right. Because as a lot, a lot of times
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  when a narcissist is a child, right, and they get told the,
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  the word no becomes a trigger because they lack control.
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  So when you are a child and you're growing up and you can't
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  control anything, you don't have control over anything.
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  When you become an adult, you try to control everything.
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  You literally want to control every single thing around you,
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  whether it be something important, unimportant,
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  everything that is within your grasp to try and control.
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  You try and control it because you lack that in childhood.
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  I lack that in childhood and whatnot, right?
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  And now y'all now y'all see this shirt right here, Barely famous.
• 6:44
  I was on Kel Lowry's podcast. I don't need to go check out the
• 6:47
  interview I did on her podcast, Kel Lowry.
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  The Barely famous podcast. I was on it, went to filmed it
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  in Delaware a couple weeks ago. It's cool.
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  And another reason why object constancy is so, I mean, not
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  object constancy, another reason why Arrested Development is so
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  important is the object constancy, right?
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  Like this is a huge one. Babies, toddlers don't
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  understand that mommy still loves them when she's in the
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  other room or when she's mad or whatever the case may be, right?
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  When you leave the narcissist, like the baby doesn't doesn't
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  think that, doesn't think you still love them, right?
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  When she's mad, a baby doesn't think you still love them.
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  Narcissistic people are the same, just like kids, right?
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  If you are mad at us right now, our brain is telling us that you
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  hate us if you leave. If you leave us, our brain is
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  telling us that you won't come back.
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  We lose that object constancy of the relationship.
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  That's why a narcissist can go from I love you to I hope I
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  never see you again in like 5-10 fifteen seconds in the middle of
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  the argument. There is no middle ground in a,
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  in an adolescent child's mind, right?
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  So if a narcissist has the mind, the emotional intelligence of a
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  child, you can see how there's no middle ground right there,
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  right? And This is why when you're
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  dealing with a narcissist and you just need some space,
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  they'll act like you want to break up with them or you need
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  some space like you, like y'all in a heated argument and you're
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  just trying to, and you're just trying to pull things down.
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  You're just trying to reel it in, right?
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  And then you just like, I need to go to the other room and sit
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  down. They snap on you because they
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  think they they equate that to you breaking up with them or
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  leaving the relationship forever.
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  Isn't that crazy? It's absolutely mind boggling
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  how that happens, right? It's it's crazy and I know y'all
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  just see that switch happening. Y'all like what the hell?
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  I just I just went to the other room and nobody even mentioned
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  the word break up. Why are you acting like I want
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  to leave you? Huh?
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  What's going on here? And because I did this video, I
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  already know what somebody I was going to say.
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  Well, Lee, since they're emotional children, can we just
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  parent them back to adulthood? Can we help them grow up?
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  No, you can't help them grow up. Yeah, I know.
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  I know. This is tough to hear, becoming
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  from a diagnosed narcissist, but you cannot parent a a
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  narcissistic adult into maturity.
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  You can't do that. That's one of the biggest
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  mistakes that survivors of narcissistic abuse do if they
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  try to mature the narcissist. You think if you, you, you get
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  into your head. You think if I explain it better
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  or love them harder, they'll grow up, right?
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  You you keep thinking that, but you can't Logic an an infant or
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  a toddler into adulthood. You can't do that right.
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  You can't make your 9 year old just say, Hey, you got to go
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  work at the steel mill and pay the bills.
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  And they're like, huh, I just wanted to play with some play
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  DoH. I wanted to go hoop with my
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  friends. Like honestly, they have to hoop
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  with my friends at nine years old.
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  Honestly, they have to want to do the hard work themselves, the
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  hard painful work of unpausing their own emotional stunting
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  unpause like hitting, hitting the the pause button and hitting
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  play on it. That's what I've been able to
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  do, right? Because I've been in
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  psychotherapy for 9:00 almost nine years, y'all.
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  I've been able to damn near re parent myself.
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  That's why it seems like I'm like even go back and watch my
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  earlier videos on this YouTube channel, on my podcast.
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  I sound different, right? Because I've been able to re
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  parent myself, I've been able to get deeper into the mind, my own
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  mind and see how my actions affect others.
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  And that take accountability, even though it sucks, even
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  though it hurts like honestly, y'all accountability saying I'm
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  sorry. I get chill bumps.
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  I get chill bumps when I have to say I'm sorry.
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  And I know this sounds crazy as hell like Lee, it actually pains
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  you to say I'm sorry. Yes, yes, that's the tough part
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  right there. Saying I'm sorry, apologizing,
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  admitting that I'm wrong. It's tough as hell, but I've
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  it's worth it for me, right? It's worth it for me.
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  But for a lot of narcissist, I'm not saying that you're not worth
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  it. It's just not worth it for
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  themselves to do because if they don't have to do it, why would
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  they do it? They want like that.
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  If they don't have to do it, why on earth would they do it?
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  If you're not going to leave, if you're not going to hold being
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  able to hold them accountable, they're not going to want to try
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  to grow up right? And most won't do it because
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  like if taking a look at your childhood is a scary thing to
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  do, y'all, it is not an easy thing to do.
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  I'm not trying to make it seem like it's easy, but looking at
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  my childhood, it's scary as hell like that.
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  I'm I got some, I got some stuff going on Damn right.
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  So in conclusion y'all, your own healing should be your priority
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  right? If you feel like you're
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  parenting your partner, stop it. If you feel like you have to
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  parent your partner, If you feel if you already have two children
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  and you feel like you have a third because your partner is a
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  child as well, you are probably right.
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  But you deserve a partner, not a project, not another child
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  right? You have to stop waiting for
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  them to grow up and start growing your own boundaries.
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  Like seriously I'm y'all know me.
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  I'm the self for a narcissist and I want to see you when right
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  And if you want more clarity and get your and more direct
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  answers, I'm hosting an event, a live Q&A event in New York City
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  on June the 2nd. Y'all can find more information
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  at my website, mentalillness.net/events.
• 11:49
  You can get registered up there as a live Q&A in person.
• 11:53
  There's no like it really is. I got a mic, everybody else has
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  mics. We're just going back and forth
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  asking you ask questions, you get answers like when pass it
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  around, everybody's going to get a chance to speak.
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  It's going to be it's going to be an amazing event.
• 12:04
  I've never been to New York City, so June 2nd.
• 12:07
  New York City, I think it's a Manhattan area.
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  So Mental illness.net/events get registered up.
• 12:13
  Y'all check out my site, my one on ones and my coaching and I am
• 12:15
  out. Peace.