Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / Self Love Mini Series Day 1: The Quiet Confidence within Yourself.

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Self Love Mini Series Day 1: The Quiet Confidence within Yourself. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:15
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:19
Speaker 1: So in today's episode, we are going to be starting
0:23
Speaker 1: our mini series on self love. So this is five
0:27
Speaker 1: days in a row. I'm going to aim to make
0:29
Speaker 1: these episodes around the fifteen minute mark, but don't sue
0:32
Speaker 1: me if it goes over, because we all know how
0:34
Speaker 1: much I love to talk. Sorry, I nearly just choke
0:38
Speaker 1: to myself because I've got reflux because I'm happily pregnant. Anyway,
0:42
Speaker 1: we all know how much I love to talk, So
0:43
Speaker 1: the chances of this going higher than the fifteen minute
0:47
Speaker 1: mark is significantly high. Anyway, I've done a whole bunch
0:52
Speaker 1: of self love episodes in the past. We've talked, we've
0:54
Speaker 1: spoken about confidence, self love in general, self respect, how
0:59
Speaker 1: to act implement self love, what self love actually is,
1:02
Speaker 1: how to improve on it, what it is, what it
1:04
Speaker 1: isn't everything. So this mini series is going to compile
1:08
Speaker 1: a lot of the things that I've shared and more
1:10
Speaker 1: over the last five years of the podcast in a
1:13
Speaker 1: way that's kind of bite sized, in a way that
1:16
Speaker 1: hopefully it gets embedded better into your mind because we're
1:20
Speaker 1: doing it every day for five days. I would love
1:23
Speaker 1: for you to also be writing things down that resonate
1:26
Speaker 1: with you. When you write it down, you're more likely
1:28
Speaker 1: to remember it. You read it out repetition. It's the best. Okay,
1:33
Speaker 1: So let's dive straight in. I'm not going to give
1:36
Speaker 1: a life update. I'm not going to give any of that.
1:38
Speaker 1: We're not doing a brain factor. We're diving straight in because,
1:40
Speaker 1: like I said, I'm giving myself fifteen minutes. Okay, let's begin.
1:44
Speaker 1: We're doing self love. So the first thing that I
1:48
Speaker 1: wanted to talk about in this episode is self love
1:52
Speaker 1: has nothing to do with being up yourself. Okay. It
1:55
Speaker 1: is quiet confidence. That's how I want you to think
1:58
Speaker 1: about real self love, a quiet confidence within yourself. It
2:03
Speaker 1: doesn't feel loud, it does not feel competitive with yourself,
2:07
Speaker 1: and it doesn't feel competitive with other people. It's fine
2:09
Speaker 1: to have like healthy competition with yourself, but that's not
2:11
Speaker 1: what we're talking about. When it comes to self love.
2:14
Speaker 1: It's not forced. It's kind of this steady relationship with yourself. Okay.
2:20
Speaker 1: Being up yourself quote unquote is kind of an insecurity
2:23
Speaker 1: in disguise. Okay. The next thing that I want you
2:27
Speaker 1: to think about is that your relationship with yourself. What
2:30
Speaker 1: we're working on over the next five days, sets the
2:32
Speaker 1: tone for everything else in your life. It sets the
2:37
Speaker 1: tone for every other relationship in your life. It sets
2:39
Speaker 1: the tone for your relationship with your career, with your abilities,
2:43
Speaker 1: with you know, your mental health, with absolutely everything. If
2:46
Speaker 1: you can really focus on honing in on your relationship
2:49
Speaker 1: with yourself, it will influence and determine the outcome of
2:54
Speaker 1: almost everything else in your life. Okay, it's kind of
2:56
Speaker 1: like your relationship with your brain and your mind and
2:58
Speaker 1: your mental health, and it all time into this one thing,
3:01
Speaker 1: and that's your relationship with yourself. So how you talk
3:03
Speaker 1: to yourself, how you treat yourself, what you do with
3:07
Speaker 1: yourself when the chips are down, How do you pick
3:12
Speaker 1: yourself back up again? Do you pick yourself back up again?
3:14
Speaker 1: Do you think you can rely on yourself? Do you
3:16
Speaker 1: think that you can have your back if things go wrong?
3:19
Speaker 1: Do you only ever seek external validation versus validating yourself?
3:24
Speaker 1: Do you ever trust your own gut without trying to
3:27
Speaker 1: get ten other people to agree with you before you
3:29
Speaker 1: feel confident in doing that thing? All these things reflect
3:32
Speaker 1: how you then experience everything else in your life. One
3:35
Speaker 1: major thing that we do when we really struggle with
3:39
Speaker 1: self love is that we outsource our self worth constantly, right,
3:44
Speaker 1: We look for anything other than ourselves to prove that
3:48
Speaker 1: we're good enough. Not that we're amazing, because when you
3:52
Speaker 1: have lower levels of self love, we don't often really
3:54
Speaker 1: feel that way anyway, but that we're good enough. Okay,
3:57
Speaker 1: So here we are outsourcing our self worth. Does this
4:00
Speaker 1: person think I'm good enough? Is this person complimenting me?
4:03
Speaker 1: Is this person agreeing with what I'm saying? You almost
4:06
Speaker 1: feel like you can't go and say something or do
4:09
Speaker 1: something until you get this kind of approval. And it's
4:12
Speaker 1: not like you're out there constantly seeking approval from people,
4:16
Speaker 1: but it's this silent approval that you're looking for. It's
4:18
Speaker 1: kind of these You're always looking for clues that people
4:21
Speaker 1: will validate your existing beliefs or how you feel or
4:25
Speaker 1: what you're about to do. You will, you know, let's
4:29
Speaker 1: say you want to move somewhere. Let's say you want
4:31
Speaker 1: to do something with your life. Let's say you want
4:32
Speaker 1: to change careers. None of this sense possible unless you
4:36
Speaker 1: have like an army of people or a select number
4:38
Speaker 1: of people that kind of agree with you. And when
4:41
Speaker 1: you do that, you are outsourcing your self worth. You're
4:44
Speaker 1: basically saying people's opinions of my body, of my choices,
4:51
Speaker 1: of my esthetic, of my career, of anything is more
4:56
Speaker 1: important than mine. The moment you say that you are
4:59
Speaker 1: your self love, your relationship with yourself suffers. There is
5:03
Speaker 1: nothing wrong with seeking people's opinion. There's nothing wrong with
5:05
Speaker 1: asking people if they agree or disagree, especially if they're
5:08
Speaker 1: a mentor, especially if they've gone through what you've gone through,
5:11
Speaker 1: especially if you really respect where they're out and how
5:13
Speaker 1: they view a situation. But when you look at that
5:16
Speaker 1: from everything, and when you think I can't make a
5:18
Speaker 1: new move or do something differently until I get that approval,
5:21
Speaker 1: you're literally saying to yourself, I'm outsourcing myself worth. I
5:24
Speaker 1: can't do this for myself. Another thing that I want
5:26
Speaker 1: you to really think about is do a bit of
5:28
Speaker 1: an inventory. And this is an exercise that I want
5:30
Speaker 1: you to do today if you can. But what are
5:32
Speaker 1: the main things? Not everything? Because we're not here to
5:35
Speaker 1: put ourselves down, and I don't want this exercise to
5:37
Speaker 1: be like, Wow, I'm really mean to myself. But what
5:39
Speaker 1: are kind of the key things where you notice negative
5:42
Speaker 1: self talk crop up? Is it with body image, is
5:45
Speaker 1: it with your abilities? Might not be confident with your
5:48
Speaker 1: abilities within your career, Like where is it that you
5:51
Speaker 1: notice this negative self talk crop up? And you're going
5:54
Speaker 1: to realize just just mention the first few, Okay, you're
5:59
Speaker 1: going to realize that so many of these things have
6:01
Speaker 1: been borrowed. You either borrow it from hearing other people
6:04
Speaker 1: talk about it all the time. Maybe you were told
6:07
Speaker 1: these things within your career or within like how you
6:09
Speaker 1: grew up. Maybe your parents always spoke this way and
6:12
Speaker 1: you're just reflecting that language. But a lot of negative
6:14
Speaker 1: self talk is borrowed. So when you do this kind
6:18
Speaker 1: of inventory on just the key things, don't go it.
6:21
Speaker 1: Don't don't make it this fucking negative spiral that you're
6:24
Speaker 1: going to go down. But just think, yeah, wow, I'm
6:26
Speaker 1: actually quite harsh on myself every time I look in
6:28
Speaker 1: the mirror, and then I remember that, you know, that's
6:31
Speaker 1: just a reflection of what I grew up observing, or
6:33
Speaker 1: it's a reflection of how all my friends talk about
6:35
Speaker 1: their own bodies, or maybe the content that I am
6:37
Speaker 1: personally served on social media. It is often borrowed. So
6:41
Speaker 1: you're going to think, thank you very much, No, thank
6:44
Speaker 1: you return to sender. Okay, if you find yourself another
6:49
Speaker 1: the next point, if you find yourself in comparison, you're
6:53
Speaker 1: going to realize that comparison creates isolation. Okay, When we
6:58
Speaker 1: compare ourselves all the time in order to gauge where
7:02
Speaker 1: we are at, you are creating isolation. You separate yourself,
7:07
Speaker 1: whether it's upwards comparison or whether it's downwards comparison. And
7:11
Speaker 1: I'm going to be talking about that kind of comparison
7:13
Speaker 1: a lot more over the next five days. But upwards
7:16
Speaker 1: comparison is where you put yourself down because you're comparing
7:20
Speaker 1: yourself to people that you deem to be quite unquite
7:23
Speaker 1: better than you, hotter than you, more successful than you,
7:27
Speaker 1: luckier than you, more privileged than you, all the different
7:30
Speaker 1: more that you can think of. That's upwards comparison. That
7:34
Speaker 1: doesn't feel good because you're saying they're better than me.
7:36
Speaker 1: I'm not good enough, they're better than me. If you
7:38
Speaker 1: do downwards comparison, that's you saying, well, at least I'm
7:42
Speaker 1: not XYZ, at least I'm not this person. At least
7:44
Speaker 1: I'm not that person at least, which we It feels
7:47
Speaker 1: good in the moment because you think, oh, yeah, true, God,
7:50
Speaker 1: I'm not that bad, I'm not that unattractive, I'm not
7:53
Speaker 1: that unsuccessful, and I'm not that much of a failure.
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Speaker 1: But what that then brings up is complacency. You think,
8:01
Speaker 1: I just need to find comparisons that put other people
8:05
Speaker 1: down so I can feel some level of satisfaction in
8:09
Speaker 1: my life. None of downward comparison. Firstly, we don't really
8:13
Speaker 1: know what's going on in other people's lives. I don't
8:15
Speaker 1: think it's helpful to compare yourself to other people. Secondly,
8:18
Speaker 1: it creates a sense of complacency because it forces you
8:21
Speaker 1: to kind of it doesn't force you, but it puts
8:22
Speaker 1: you in a state where you're just looking at well,
8:24
Speaker 1: at least I'm not this, so now I can relax.
8:27
Speaker 1: So there's no you're not being proactive, you're not actually
8:30
Speaker 1: doing anything to make yourself feel better about your current situation.
8:34
Speaker 1: And then you have this false sense of reality when
8:39
Speaker 1: you do downward comparison because everything kind of you look
8:42
Speaker 1: at things more from like a reactive lens instead of proactive,
8:46
Speaker 1: happier lens. Okay, so when you do that kind of
8:48
Speaker 1: comparison upwards or downwards, you ultimately end up isolating yourself
8:52
Speaker 1: instead of thinking, you know, everyone is where they're at,
8:57
Speaker 1: wherever they're at, I can learn from people. It's fine
9:00
Speaker 1: to do downward comparison in the sense of like, wow,
9:03
Speaker 1: seeing how that outcome happened for that person has really
9:06
Speaker 1: taught me this about how I could approach things differently.
9:09
Speaker 1: So it's not so much I'm better than this person
9:11
Speaker 1: because of this. You could be like, I can learn
9:12
Speaker 1: lessons from what that person went through. I can you
9:16
Speaker 1: know X, y Z. But the more you notice yourself
9:20
Speaker 1: lean into these kinds of comparisons, for good or for bad,
9:22
Speaker 1: you are going to isolate yourself and you're going to
9:24
Speaker 1: feel less connected. And the less connected we feel with
9:27
Speaker 1: other people, the less connected we feel with ourselves and
9:29
Speaker 1: with our mental health and with our levels of happiness. Okay, Now,
9:40
Speaker 1: true self worth the next point. True self worth can
9:43
Speaker 1: not be taken away. Okay. If you can build value
9:48
Speaker 1: within your character, within yourself and your actions, that can't
9:52
Speaker 1: be taken away. So I often talk about, you know,
9:55
Speaker 1: when it comes to self love, when it comes to
9:57
Speaker 1: self respect, when it comes to achieving things in your
10:00
Speaker 1: life that make you feel good about who you are
10:02
Speaker 1: as a person, you want to aim for things that
10:05
Speaker 1: cannot be taken away. Okay, It's not something that you
10:08
Speaker 1: can buy, borrow, or steal. It's something that you have earned.
10:12
Speaker 1: And self worth, your relationship with yourself is something that
10:15
Speaker 1: you earn through doing the psychological exercises, through treating yourself better,
10:22
Speaker 1: through starting to speak to yourself better, different habits, different behaviors,
10:27
Speaker 1: and then your relationship starts to change and you earned that.
10:29
Speaker 1: It's not something that one comment can dissolve because you've
10:33
Speaker 1: earned it. It can't be taken away. Someone can't take
10:35
Speaker 1: away something that you've earned. Okay. So for me, when
10:39
Speaker 1: I talk about how can I start to feel better
10:41
Speaker 1: about myself, I look at my day to day structure
10:44
Speaker 1: and I think, what is it right now that I'm
10:47
Speaker 1: doing where I feel like I'm earning something. So for example,
10:50
Speaker 1: when I was studying, it felt really good because I'm like,
10:54
Speaker 1: this can never be taken away. Once I get this qualification,
10:58
Speaker 1: whether I use it or not, it can never be
10:59
Speaker 1: taken away that, Like, that's something that I can say
11:01
Speaker 1: I did that. You know, if you ran a marathon,
11:04
Speaker 1: So I'm talking about external things as an example, but
11:06
Speaker 1: if you did all these things, it feels good because
11:09
Speaker 1: you're like, this can never be taken away from me.
11:11
Speaker 1: So then look at it from like a self love perspective.
11:14
Speaker 1: How can I do things where I feel like I've
11:16
Speaker 1: earned something that can never be stripped away from me?
11:19
Speaker 1: Is it in how I treat myself in the mornings,
11:22
Speaker 1: my morning routine, the ten minutes I get where I
11:26
Speaker 1: wake up before the rest of the household alone, just
11:29
Speaker 1: with myself. That's earned. No one can take that shit
11:32
Speaker 1: away from me. And the more you can implement earned
11:35
Speaker 1: things that you do for yourself throughout the day, I
11:37
Speaker 1: can guarantee you, the better your relationship with yourself is
11:40
Speaker 1: going to be. It's just going to get better and
11:41
Speaker 1: better and better and better. You'll be thriving. The next
11:44
Speaker 1: point that I want to touch on is that your
11:48
Speaker 1: brain can be rewired. Okay, I don't want you to
11:52
Speaker 1: fall into this habit of being like you know, Oh,
11:55
Speaker 1: it's like epigenetics. I've just inherited this mindset from my
11:58
Speaker 1: parents or from you know whoever. In my family. Everyone
12:02
Speaker 1: is kind of like this. My whole friendship group is
12:04
Speaker 1: like this. If I started talking positively about myself, everyone
12:07
Speaker 1: would think this way. Everyone we get ourselves stuck, and
12:09
Speaker 1: we then will look at biases confirmations, left, right and
12:13
Speaker 1: center to prove wide is that we shouldn't change or
12:16
Speaker 1: we can't change, or why it's going to be so difficult
12:18
Speaker 1: for us to change. Change is inevitable. Things are going
12:21
Speaker 1: to change in your life constantly, so you might as
12:24
Speaker 1: well roll with it and contribute to those changes. You
12:26
Speaker 1: might as well be in control of those changes. So
12:30
Speaker 1: I want you to look at your brain as something
12:31
Speaker 1: that's constantly being wired and rewired and wide and rewired.
12:34
Speaker 1: A lot of the time it's not in our control
12:37
Speaker 1: or we don't realize it's happening, and it's unintentional rewiring.
12:41
Speaker 1: So neuroplasticity can happen for the good or for the bad.
12:43
Speaker 1: But then there's self directed neuroplasticity, and that is where
12:47
Speaker 1: you are directing change, where you are rewriting these thoughts,
12:50
Speaker 1: where you are looking at what's borrowed negative self talk
12:54
Speaker 1: or what are habits that aren't really working for me?
12:56
Speaker 1: Or what's something that I can earn to start making
12:58
Speaker 1: myself feel better about about me my relationship with me. Okay,
13:03
Speaker 1: that will start to rewire your brain. It doesn't matter
13:06
Speaker 1: who you were born to. It doesn't matter who you
13:08
Speaker 1: hang out with. As long as you start to become
13:09
Speaker 1: aware of what these triggers are, things will begin to
13:13
Speaker 1: change for you. What used to be subconscious becomes conscious.
13:16
Speaker 1: What used to be the norm becomes something that piques
13:19
Speaker 1: your attention, being like, wait a minute, that's actually not normal.
13:22
Speaker 1: That is actually not fucking normal. I don't have need
13:24
Speaker 1: to behave like this. I don't need to talk to
13:25
Speaker 1: myself in that way. I don't need to do this shit. Okay.
13:28
Speaker 1: And then lastly, and this is one of my favorite
13:31
Speaker 1: things that I love to do, is to draw a
13:34
Speaker 1: line in the sand. I love line in the sand.
13:37
Speaker 1: Moments in my life. There's big lines in the sand,
13:39
Speaker 1: like when I moved countries, when I had a child,
13:42
Speaker 1: when I got a divorce. Like there's massive lines in
13:45
Speaker 1: the sand in your life where you're like, wow, my
13:47
Speaker 1: life changed from that moment. But you can also do
13:50
Speaker 1: smaller lines in the sand that are really significant to you.
13:53
Speaker 1: So when you want to start this self love journey,
13:55
Speaker 1: whenever you're ready, ideally it's now, because why not. I
13:59
Speaker 1: want you to draw a line in the sand, and
14:01
Speaker 1: I want you to say to yourself everything that's happened
14:04
Speaker 1: before now is before this line, and everything that's going
14:08
Speaker 1: to happen after will be after this line. This is
14:10
Speaker 1: the line in the sand, and that it's a no
14:13
Speaker 1: judgment zone. It's just the new version of me that's
14:16
Speaker 1: going to emerge. You almost want to be appreciative of
14:19
Speaker 1: the old version of you, because if you then start saying,
14:22
Speaker 1: oh the fu fucking idiot, fucking idiot, old me, he
14:24
Speaker 1: used to fucking say this shit, and now I've got
14:26
Speaker 1: to undo it and fucking fuck you, now you've made
14:29
Speaker 1: my life more difficult, then fuck the line in the sand,
14:32
Speaker 1: because that's not gonna work. You want to look at
14:34
Speaker 1: it as thank you for everything that I've learned, thank
14:36
Speaker 1: you for all these lessons, thank you for putting up
14:37
Speaker 1: with all the bullshit that I put you through. It's
14:41
Speaker 1: over now, we are changing it. This is a line
14:43
Speaker 1: in the sand, and from today I'm never going to
14:47
Speaker 1: allow myself to just spiral or get away with talking
14:52
Speaker 1: horribly to myself. There will be moments where I slip
14:54
Speaker 1: up and I talk like shit to myself. There'll be
14:56
Speaker 1: moments where I have a really bad day and I
14:58
Speaker 1: don't want to get out and I don't feel like
15:01
Speaker 1: I look good unless someone tells me I look good.
15:03
Speaker 1: And that's fine because you're on that journey. But that
15:05
Speaker 1: won't go unchecked when it happens next time, I'm going
15:08
Speaker 1: to be like, I'm aware of this. I'm aware this
15:11
Speaker 1: is happening, and this is just reminiscent of my old
15:14
Speaker 1: self and I'm learning a different way. Okay, So over
15:18
Speaker 1: the next few days we're going to go into exact
15:20
Speaker 1: tips and tricks and tools that you can start implementing
15:23
Speaker 1: into your day. But for today, the main thing that
15:26
Speaker 1: I want you to remember is that agreeing with people
15:31
Speaker 1: who put you down all the time is abandoning yourself.
15:34
Speaker 1: We don't need to abandon ourselves in order to fit in. Okay,
15:38
Speaker 1: So next time you're talking to someone and they say something,
15:42
Speaker 1: it's so simple to just be like, that's really interesting
15:45
Speaker 1: instead of agreeing with them. That's one of the first
15:47
Speaker 1: things you can do for yourself love. Start standing up
15:49
Speaker 1: for yourself, Start you know, listening to what you care
15:54
Speaker 1: about and what you want to say, and then your
15:55
Speaker 1: self respect is going to go up. Remember that confidence
16:00
Speaker 1: is not about being loud, it's about liking who you are.
16:03
Speaker 1: It's about feeling comfortable within yourself. So that can only
16:07
Speaker 1: occur when you start saying it's okay for me to
16:10
Speaker 1: do this without seeking external approval, it's okay for me
16:12
Speaker 1: to wear this outfit without sending it to all my
16:15
Speaker 1: friends and for them to say that it's okay. The
16:17
Speaker 1: more little, tiny things that you can do without seeking
16:20
Speaker 1: external approval, the easy it's going to be to do
16:23
Speaker 1: the bigger things. Okay. So, for example, this is such
16:25
Speaker 1: a minor thing, such a minor thing, but I am
16:29
Speaker 1: not telling anyone the names of my children. And it's
16:33
Speaker 1: because I love the names that I've selected, and I
16:37
Speaker 1: love them so much that I don't want anyone's energy,
16:41
Speaker 1: bad juju bullshit to interfere with what I choose to
16:45
Speaker 1: call my children. And I'm like, I know many people
16:48
Speaker 1: aren't gonna you know, everyone's got their own opinions. You know,
16:51
Speaker 1: everyone's gonna have whatever they think about the names, But like,
16:55
Speaker 1: talk about it behind my back like a normal person.
16:57
Speaker 1: If I say a name to your face before all
17:00
Speaker 1: the kids are born, then people are gonna be like, oh,
17:02
Speaker 1: I don't know about that name. Oh are you serious?
17:04
Speaker 1: Really do you actually like that name? Versus when I've
17:06
Speaker 1: just been like, here's the fucking name. Can't after they're
17:09
Speaker 1: born and they don't have to listen to your shit,
17:11
Speaker 1: because you're going to feel less comfortable dragging the name
17:14
Speaker 1: through the dirt when this person already exists. So that's
17:17
Speaker 1: just a small example of what you could be doing
17:19
Speaker 1: for yourself as well. Okay, stop seeking a proof of
17:22
Speaker 1: for every single decision if you're happy with it, if
17:25
Speaker 1: you don't actually need advice on how to get you know,
17:28
Speaker 1: like sometimes you actually need advice from an expert or
17:30
Speaker 1: from a mentor. If you don't need those things, if
17:33
Speaker 1: it's outfit related, if it's all these things, just do it.
17:36
Speaker 1: You're going to start to increase your confidence. And then
17:38
Speaker 1: when you have like confidence for the little things, you're
17:40
Speaker 1: gonna be able to get confidence for the much bigger
17:42
Speaker 1: things in your life. Okay, most of the stuff that
17:44
Speaker 1: you say to yourself, most of the crap that you
17:46
Speaker 1: say to yourself, you've heard it before from someone else. Okay,
17:49
Speaker 1: it's not original, and you can say that to just
17:52
Speaker 1: remind yourself. This is not original. This is a regurgitation.
17:55
Speaker 1: I don't need this anymore. Okay, thank you very much.
17:57
Speaker 1: You've come with me this far. We say goodbye now. Guys,
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Speaker 1: thank you so much for listening to today's first episode
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Speaker 1: of the Self Love series. Tune in Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
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Speaker 1: Friday for the rest and write down the things that
18:10
Speaker 1: really kind of resonated with you loving us so much
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Speaker 1: as always remembered. Be kind to yourself, becind to your brain,
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Speaker 1: don't text it from anyone especially, don't take shit from yourself.
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Speaker 1: Dougan