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Transcript

Gina Reeves | White Knuckling Quit Working So She Tried God | This Is Life · Life Community Church

• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hello, Pastor Jody.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Hey.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_01: You've made it, you've made it uh the next episode of the city.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_02: I wasn't there last time.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: No, that is not true.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_02: Are you actually recording?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm actually, yes, the button is recording.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_02: We are we are live.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: Perfect.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: We are live via the um yeah, the platform here.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_02: So are you ready for summertime?
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_03: I was just asking the girls today at lunch if anybody was excited for summer.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_03: I might feel like it came really quick.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_02: It's here.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_02: It's here for sure.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: You have big plans for the summer?
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_03: Well, the only thing I have planned is camp.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_03: Camp.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_02: All right, kids camp.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_02: Camp camp?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_03: Camp camp.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_03: Breakaway one life.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_02: This is all we're doing this summer is camp with kids in Colorado.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: But Colorado's a matrip, is it not?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: No, it's uh in July.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, so it is summer.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Well, and Colorado's a beautiful place called summer because the temperatures will be a little chillier.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_03: The um Bafaro in Memphis.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, in Memphis.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_02: That'll be warm.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_02: The humidity will be will be high there.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_03: Are you excited for summer?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: I'm very excited.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: What are you guys doing?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_03: Where are you going?
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, where am I going?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_02: Well, we every other year we vacation with our family, like my side of the family, everyone.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: And so we are going to the West Coast.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: My dad's always wanted to go.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: No, what am I saying?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_03: Not the West Coast?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: East Coast.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, that's very different.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: It's on the other side.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_02: Very different.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_02: And so I don't know why West even came up, but East Coast, we are going to uh Williamsburg, Virginia.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: Nice.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_03: And so I mean I haven't done that, but there's so much like historically.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_02: That's where my dad wants to go.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: He's like, we're going.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'm like, okay, you're paying the bill.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_02: That's where we're going, Williamsburg, West Virginia.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: So it'll be good.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_02: It'll be good.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, homeschool education.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_03: The kids already told their parents, mom, well, it's like the 250th year, like maybe something special is happening there.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_03: I bet.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_03: You're absolutely right.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: I bet you there is.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: It'll be wonderful.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, listen, we've got Gina with us, uh, and we're excited about having you here.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_02: We're glad you're here.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_02: I know you're nervous, but there's nothing to be nervous about.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_02: Nobody can talk back to you except for Jody and I.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, and we will.
• 2:13
  unknown: Okay.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: That's it.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: And so if you don't mind, do me a favor and just kind of introducing yourself, how long you've been in the church, how you even know about life coming in church, how it all started here uh for you.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my name is Gina Reeves, and I have been going to life for three years.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And um what prompted everything for me is I was a drug and alcohol addict for um about 30 years.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: Um I have five years clean right now, and when I struggled for years to get clean, and I would attend meetings, meet with people, but I never did the work.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um I never worked the steps.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: I just, they call it white knuckling.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So it would only last for so long, and then I would end up, you know, back using again.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then I hit many, many rock bottoms throughout, lost everything, my home, friends, um, family.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: And finally I reached a point where I just I felt God pulling me.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I told him I was ready this time, and if he helped me to get through it, I was his for life.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Anything and whatever it took.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And he did.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: And um from the get, I mean from the jump.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry, I'm nervous.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_03: Can you tell me what that felt like though?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_03: Like I'm always curious when people say, like, I'd love to know how you sense God saying that to you.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: Um, a lot of it at first was like in dreams.
• 3:58
  SPEAKER_00: I would wake up in the middle, middle of the night and I would just feel, you know, um the conf the comfort.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um I like to refer it to like the protection of Moses for the people.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: God used him to protect his people.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: And it was kind of like that kind of protection that I was feeling.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I would, and then I opened myself up to listening to different um podcast sermons online and stuff, and I would feel him speaking to me through those sermons.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_03: Um you knew you were headed the right direction.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Right.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I can remember um specifically one time the pastor was talking and he was saying, this was like two o'clock in the morning, and he was saying in his sermon toward the end, I've run out of time, but I feel that there's someone out there that needs to hear this.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: What?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm going to keep going.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: And things like that kept happening.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so I could see him everywhere.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: And then, like I said, I jumped in both feet first.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: So when I started attending church, I jumped into a mission right off the bat.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I did a mission trip, and I was only about six months sober at that time.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_00: So uh did a mission trip.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: We went to um Arizona outside of Globe to a Native American reservation and worked with kids and we're we were building a church.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_02: And who'd you do this with?
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um through Hope Church.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so that catapulted me even further to seeking and learning.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I always like I never really finished anything in my life before.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: I just kind of, you know, fly by the seat of my pants, just, you know, living life and you know, from one chaotic mess to the other.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I made that deal with God, I said, I will work the steps, you know, I will, I will get in the word because I also had um church background.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: I was, you know, yes.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: My grandma was Baptist and, you know, went, you know, throughout childhood in church, I was confirmed through a church.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so I always had that.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: And then through my life, when, you know, things would happen, I always pray, but I never did the work.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I never went home and read my Bible.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: I never, you know, met with people, women, and and you know, people with the same goals in mind.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: And so I would fall through the cracks and lose that.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_00: They call it a pink cloud.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: When you first become sober, um, you're, you know, you're high on life, everything is great.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't stick with it, if you're not in the word, if you're not working on yourself, you will lose that pink cloud and go into what they call um um a black cloud.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, which where you're kind of like complacent.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's what it is.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: And yes.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: And that was a problem that I ran into a lot too.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Or when I would get like I lost my son.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I had twins and we lost one of them.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when that first happened, I When was that?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_03: In utero?
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: No, I had twins and they were born early.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: And so my son Drew was born first and he was okay.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then Brady was breached and he was born second, and so he had some bleeding in his brain, and he passed away.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Oh and so after that happened, obviously I was lost, you know.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I I was expecting to bring two home.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my word.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: And my surviving son, Drew, he was in the hospital for 40 days, so I couldn't bring him home.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And then in the meantime, I had a funeral for Brady, my other son.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: And so I drew close to God then and started attending church regularly, and I was saved.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember at that time, you know, I I wanted to make sure that I would end up in heaven with Brady.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: That was my thing.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: I want to see Brady.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm going where he's going.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_00: So I again didn't didn't stick with it.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't get into the word and you know, the things that you have to do to see God, in my opinion.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_03: You know, well to keep your end of the relationship, right?
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's for sure.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: For sure.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: And so since he has saved me from, you know, the addiction, and you know, I re- I see now looking back that he was obviously there the whole time, but I always thought he didn't care about me, or he wasn't listening to me, or that I was too bad for him to to help me because of, you know, the sins that I was doing.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I finally had a relationship with him and realized, you know, something that I play, a mantra that I play in the back of my head is all have sinned.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my sins do not define me.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And for so long, the guilt and shame of the things that I was doing, and you know, because I always knew that what I was doing was wrong.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I had I had enough of a relationship to know that and that he was unhappy with me.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: So I just thought that everything that was going wrong in my life was my fault because he was unhappy.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: Broken relationships, a broken marriage.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_03: It's funny, that's how we think though.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_03: Like he's unhappy with me.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_03: He is heartbroken because he sees what this is doing to you.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_03: You know, like he's not angry at you, he's angry for you.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_03: I was wondering, Gina, and maybe you're gonna talk about this, but when did you first reach for drugs, alcohol?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_03: Like, what did that what how did that start that you needed or wanted that to soothe or to numb or well?
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like growing up, I kind of always felt like I was kind of on the outside.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I had red hair.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Red hair?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was chubby.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Tell it right now.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: I had glasses, you know.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so You were different.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: I always felt kind of like the odd man out.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_00: And um so, probably about the age of 15, um, I had my first love.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and we broke up and it was devastating for me.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: And uh my best friend at the time and I, her and I were on the outs, and I felt completely alone.
• 11:03
  SPEAKER_00: And that would have been the first time.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_00: It started with marijuana and then drinking, and then it eventually anything and everything, pretty much.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, the daily, what I did on a daily basis was pills.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my children were young, and I was a you know, single mom trying to do it all, and I discovered, hey, if I take this, I feel like super mom.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_00: And you know, the next thing I know is a snowball effect, and I couldn't stop using them.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, and along with that came suicide attempts.
• 11:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, at the age of 15 was my first suicide attempt.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: Um, my last suicide attempt, you know, I'm embarrassed to say, but was probably at the age of 43.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and as I was kind of saying earlier, I see now where God held my hand through all of this because well, one of my suicide attempts, I took 61 milligram Xanax.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: That should have done it right then and there.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: And I woke up.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_00: So, I mean, and there are things like that, you know, broken relationships.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: I remember thinking, you know, when the relationship would die, I would dive deeper into my addiction.
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: The loneliness and the despair would it would take me out.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: And I would plead and say, you know, God, I don't understand.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I have why can't you let this be?
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Why can't I be happy?
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And now looking back, I see that he was protecting me.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he wasn't punishing me.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: It was protection.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: So protecting you in light of and just from the dangers, the abuse, the drugs, the, you know, because most of the most of the people that I associated myself with or dated were involved.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like the people that I were getting drugs from, or, you know, so it wasn't a situation that I should have been in.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: And instead of my pleas to him to, you know, please let this work out.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_00: I want this relationship.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: And he said no, because he was protecting me.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship was toxic, you know, um, and both sided.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: I took people as hostages in relationships, I suck them into my chaos, you know, and so, but everything is different now.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_02: Um Yeah, when did it all change?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: When everything shipped for you.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Um after that deal, how long did that take?
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I moved to Florida.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: I had to basically pick up and just leave the entire situation.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: No, I went by they're older.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, they were older.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I was down there for two years.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_00: And then um, yes.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you stayed sober on your own in Florida.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: No, I did not.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I see.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_03: Sorry to say, but I didn't.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_03: I was gonna say without community, that sounds hard.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: It it was hard.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I had to get away from people, places, and things.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_00: And um, then I came home because my son was they were having a baby.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: So I wanted to be here and be a grandma.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: But when I went to Florida, I had in my mind, because my kids were getting older, and I knew that being a grandparent was coming, and I didn't want to be the grandparent to my children like I or to my grandchildren as I was the mom to my children.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_03: Wow.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I have done that.
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: God has provided, and my grandchildren know do not know a GG aside from happy, fun.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you know, well, that's what's hard to reconcile.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_03: Like sitting here with you know with you right now, like I see you, I see your daughter here, I see your grandkids here.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_03: Like you're living a totally like he has restored your life.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: He has.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_00: He has.
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_00: And he did that for you piece by piece.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: Piece by piece and with me, not for me.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_00: I had to actively participate.
• 15:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, because you know, the lip service, I did that for years, and it just I had to listen to him.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: When you said I had to do the work, what do you mean?
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_00: Uh like getting in the word, um, you know re getting in the word and doing work on myself, like through programs in recovery.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they they have like step work and things like that, where it kind of dives into, yes, yes.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And I did the steps through NA.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it kind of dives into why do I do these things?
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_00: Why do I react this way?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: I still have so many things to work on with myself.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I tend to like react sometimes rather than respond.
• 16:07
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that moment between reacting and responding, if I try to, if I remember to pause, because that's God's time.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, I'm a work in progress on that, you know, and I still have some narcissistic tendencies that I work on on a daily basis, you know, my relationship with God, I had to work on that.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, my prayer life.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_02: Aaron Powell Well, uh was it difficult for you?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_02: Because it seems like in your childhood that you were having a hard time feeling like you were even received by anyone.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_02: And so how did that translate to your relationship with God?
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_02: Were was it difficult for you to think that you could be received by the Lord?
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: It was.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that that's one of the things that kept me, you know, locked into guilt and shame for so many years because I didn't think I was worthy.
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't I just didn't think I was good enough.
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_02: Aaron Powell What in your journey, what did you learn about receiving from the Lord uh freely and then uh doing the work but not doing the work in such a way that you felt like you were earning that love, if that makes sense?
• 17:12
  SPEAKER_00: Um so I like I said, I do get into the word a lot and I I and I read other things too.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um but also like I can see God taking a walk, you know.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_00: I receive him when I look at the horizon, when I look at his artwork.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um every time I am with my grandchildren, I see God, you know, and so things like that, I'm immediately thankful.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_02: What what did you learn about his unconditional love?
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: Um that there's nothing that I can do to separate me from him, you know.
• 17:52
  SPEAKER_00: He wants me and he wants all of me.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: And that's you know, not understanding that is was one of the things that I guess kept me away for so long because I didn't think I was worthy.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and can you think of a moment when you finally understood that?
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_03: That I was yeah, that he wasn't, you didn't have to earn something, that you were enough.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when I first started going to um meetings, there were a few people I had a sponsor and he really helped me um, you know, to unravel the pain of my past and things like that.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: But I remember um when I first started going to meetings to, you know, people talk about God a lot in the meetings, and I gravitated a lot toward people who I could tell had a relationship.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I went, I went to someone and I was like, you know, I I just feel like I can't hear him, I can't hear him.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: And it was a very simple thing he said, and he was it was just he looked at me and he's like, Did you just ask him?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, just so simple.
• 19:04
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of like, you know, knock harder.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: So when I started approaching it more simply, like that, instead of, you know, like I have to have, you know, a degree in theologic theology.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever theology, you know, um and then and humbling myself, you know, God, I can't, but you can, you know.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: I was so manipulative in my relationships.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: And then, but people would come back to me and be like, you know, everything's always so drama with you.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's so much drama.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: And it would really hurt my feelings because I felt like I was trying to, you know, make things better or help or whatever.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, hindsight, I was controlling everyone.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't helping, I was trying to get things done my way and control the situation so that it would turn out my way.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, that's another thing that I've learned is I'm not in control.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: And when I do get in the way of what God's trying to do in my life, it's just a mess, complete mess.
• 20:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I don't get in his way anymore and I don't try to play God anymore.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_03: I think you're right.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_03: That's one of the things I noticed when you said, you know, you do the work in the meetings.
• 20:21
  SPEAKER_03: And, you know, even just as Christians, we can do that.
• 20:24
  SPEAKER_03: Like we do the work of just coming to church and do the work of going to a Bible study.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_03: But then, you know, Monday through Saturday is absent.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_03: And so you don't get to do that with people, you know.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_03: Like I had this moment with Jeff as you know, when we got married, and then I don't, we don't revisit, like we don't communicate, like that's not a relationship.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_03: Right.
• 20:43
  SPEAKER_03: So the work is, but the work is life-giving with God.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_03: Like he brings life, and then it makes you want him more and more.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_03: And it is a give and take, but he does the heavy giving.
• 20:54
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 20:55
  SPEAKER_02: And the work go ahead.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_02: Nope, you're good.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I feel like, I mean, everything that happened, you know, usually it was, you know, I kind of asked for it in a sense.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: But um I forgot where I was going with that.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: I totally love it.
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_03: Well, I wondered like how it is for um Taylor to like, I mean, obviously she is your daughter.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_03: She's seen you her whole life.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_03: Like, yes, what kind of impact?
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_03: Obviously, she's received the negative Gina as well.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_03: And how has that been for her?
• 21:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and actually all of my family.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: So Taylor's 25.
• 21:30
  SPEAKER_00: Um, no, I'm sorry, she's 26.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: And she she's, you know, obviously my kids have been there through uh the the grips of it, you know.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: And so when I first was clean and sober, and then I started going to church, I went to meetings first.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: And then through that and, you know, hearing God, I was pulled to start going to church.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: And um so Taylor saw that.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: She saw me going to church.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she saw me getting in the word and she saw the change in me.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of people will even say the my eyes should have life, you know.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Before, like if you look at my eyes, they were just dead, just black and dead.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: And so she saw the change in me and you know, the way I treated others.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: Um and it intrigued her.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: And so she started doing her own search, and she was saved here at Life, I believe, two years ago, and has now dedicated both of her children as well.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: So the blessings that have come from all this, it's just unreal.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I look back now and I never thought that I would be where I am today.
• 22:47
  SPEAKER_00: I never thought I would be happy.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: I just didn't think that it was in it for me.
• 22:53
  SPEAKER_00: I really didn't.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_00: And um, you know, happy and responsible and someone that you know people can rely on.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: And I show up for things now, you know.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: I don't including your own life.
• 23:06
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_02: Including your own life.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: That's a good one.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_03: That's a good one.
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_03: That's beautiful because it could have gone completely.
• 23:13
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, she could have a lot of resentment towards you, bitterness towards you.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_03: You know, and so the fact that she is here, you know, worshiping on your next to you on Sunday is yeah glorious.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_03: It is.
• 23:25
  SPEAKER_03: It is.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: That's amazing.
• 23:27
  SPEAKER_02: What would you say to your uh younger self?
• 23:31
  SPEAKER_00: Oh don't be so hard on yourself.
• 23:35
  SPEAKER_03: Is that the 15-year-old or um older?
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: Probably the 15-year-old.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: Really?
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_00: She was hard on her.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 23:45
  SPEAKER_00: I was.
• 23:46
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't love myself.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_03: Where are your parents in this?
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so my parents were married.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: They divorced when I was 25.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: Um they were young when they had me.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: They they were 17 when they had me.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_00: So, in a sense, we raised each other.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so there was a lot of, you know, like things like between parents, but because I was so, you know, close in age, I guess, or what have you, that I would see or whatever.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: They were very loving.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, I never questioned their love for us.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_03: Were they involved in getting you sober?
• 24:29
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, they were.
• 24:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it was hard for them for obvious reasons, but um also I was very good, as I said, of manipulating.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_00: And so I was able to hold on to them as far as the them being my enabler for quite some time, unfortunately.
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, parents, you know, all you have to do is bat your eyes, and they will usually give in.
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: And I use that to my advantage a lot.
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_00: So they were very loving.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_00: And now, now that I'm clean and sober, it's amazing the relationship.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, they're so proud of the way things changed.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, the love, you know, I've made amends.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: I've had many people that I've had to go and make amends to.
• 25:15
  SPEAKER_00: And it, it just it makes things so fresh and new.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: And that's kind of how I would describe, you know, my second life now too.
• 25:26
  SPEAKER_00: Fresh and new, yes.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_03: I'd like to hear more about what you would say to that 15-year-old girl.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, don't be so hard on yourself and God is there.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: I just remember, I just like what if you saw a 15-year-old girl right now who was in that same position.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_00: You're not alone, and you are enough.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: I actually got that tattooed on.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_00: You are enough.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 25:54
  SPEAKER_00: Because that was something that I dealt with a lot too.
• 25:57
  SPEAKER_00: I never felt like I was good enough.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_00: I always felt like, you know, I was passed over for things or, you know, which a lot of that was in my own head.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: You know, my the demons in my head can get very loud.
• 26:10
  SPEAKER_00: Um, and now God has showed me how I can keep those at bay.
• 26:17
  SPEAKER_03: May not even be demons.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_03: I mean, nobody talks to us more than we talk to ourselves.
• 26:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's what I mean.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_03: Talk kindly to ourselves.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I meant.
• 26:24
  SPEAKER_00: The internal movie in my head is not a good movie.
• 26:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's just it's a scary thriller.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_00: So, but my my relationship, if I don't, if I don't stay connected, if I'm not up, if I'm not in my word, um connected and connected to people church and people, I I will start listening to that movie again.
• 26:51
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I have to stay so vigilant.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_03: And you're not the only one.
• 26:57
  SPEAKER_03: We're all susceptible to this, which is why he wants us to gather together.
• 27:01
  SPEAKER_00: I remember when I also asked to go on the mission trip with Hope Church.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, one of the pastors there at the time was Josh Boyer, really good friend of mine.
• 27:12
  SPEAKER_00: And he went on the mission trip, but he had called the night before to kind of go over when we're meeting and things like that.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: And I was so nervous.
• 27:21
  SPEAKER_00: And, you know, at the time I was new to church, new to hope, and I didn't know anyone in the community.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I remember telling him, I'm I'm in recovery, I'm an addict, I've got this much time clean.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: And his response was before the trip.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_03: This is so awesome.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: And his time, his response was, Gina, we're all in recovery.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: And so, and um, I heard Hope Darst at our women's seminar recently.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: She was saying that it was there was a point in time in her life where every it was like a jigsaw puzzle.
• 27:57
  SPEAKER_00: It just kind of all came together.
• 28:00
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you know, what God's doing for me, who he is, the word.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: Like I used to open the Bible and I was like, I don't even know what this is, you know.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: And now, you know, through the Holy Spirit, I understand it.
• 28:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 28:16
  SPEAKER_00: And um, it's just amazing.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a totally different, like I said, I never thought, I never saw myself being here.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 28:26
  SPEAKER_00: Wow, that's beautiful.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: And I jump into things too that um, you know, that I was afraid to do before.
• 28:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, you know, getting involved, speaking up.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: I tend to be an isolator.
• 28:39
  SPEAKER_00: And um, so I've tried to come out of that comfort zone.
• 28:44
  SPEAKER_00: And God's got me through that as well, because that's one of the things when I know I'm going into something like that.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: I will tell him, okay, you're gonna have to do this for me, you know, or it he'll remind me, you're good enough.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you're you're just as good as that person, you know, you can do this too.
• 29:05
  SPEAKER_00: And so that's a big thing for me.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_02: What I love so much about your story from start to finish that, you know, you've said consistently is that and you and we've heard it uh as you've talked, is uh the fact that God has always been there, that he's always loved you, and he's helped you understand how to love yourself, you know, through his eyes, through his heart, through what he's doing.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_02: And it's uh obviously very evident and it's really incredible.
• 29:29
  SPEAKER_02: It's really cool.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_02: And so it's so cool.
• 29:31
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 29:32
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it moves me.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like songs can really get to me.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it really moves me when I think about what Jesus did for us.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like I I do not deserve it.
• 29:47
  SPEAKER_00: I do not deserve it.
• 29:49
  SPEAKER_00: But thank God.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know and as we slow, slowly understand that the motivation to do uh the things that we need to do so we can grow uh is very different, right?
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's not like I have to, I have to, this thing's this is horrible, this isn't working.
• 30:04
  SPEAKER_02: Uh but when we first uh understand his unconditional love, we move in those things very differently.
• 30:10
  SPEAKER_02: But without those things, right, and you've explained it so well, there's freedom we just will never find without the body of Christ, without the word of God, right?
• 30:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yes.
• 30:17
  SPEAKER_02: Our salvation, right, is held in his hands, right?
• 30:21
  SPEAKER_02: Living that salvation and freedom on this earth uh without the enemy keep on replaying the movie for us happens because we we surround ourselves with the body of Christ and the word of God and the you know the voice of the Holy Spirit, and man, you're killing it.
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: Well thanks.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_02: Great job.
• 30:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks.
• 30:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's actually I've thankfully I'm blessed that, and I think this is for everyone.
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: Once you decide, once you establish that relationship, like you'll want more.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: You know, like you can't help but want more, more reading, more knowledge, more understanding.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I'm looking for.
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: Like I just can't get enough.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_03: I think the other thing too, like I have a friend of mine who um she went to rehab a couple of times, and it didn't take and it didn't take and it didn't take until it did.
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_03: Yes.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_03: And the thing that I just, you know, realized, I mean, nothing is wasted in God's hands.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_03: So, like 15-year-olds like you could be tempted to think all of that lost time, all of those, you know, mistakes I made, what a waste.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_03: And in his hand, those things are not wasted.
• 31:34
  SPEAKER_03: Like he will use it for his glory and for your good.
• 31:37
  SPEAKER_03: But not in his hands, it literally is just a waste of time.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_03: But like that's what this moment is too.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_03: Like, this is helping other people in their journey, you know, like to not, yeah, maybe it is your third time in rehab, but there's this time.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Never give up, never give up.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that was something that I mean, part of my guilt and shame too was because I just couldn't get it.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I kept relapsing and I and it it was breaking me, but I kept going back, you know, and finally, yeah, it it clicked.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: It it'll you'll get it when you get it.
• 32:16
  SPEAKER_00: And man, what a what a great life.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: What a great life.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's awesome.
• 32:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, God.
• 32:23
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, would you mind closing us in prayer?
• 32:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 32:27
  SPEAKER_02: I never asked that.
• 32:29
  SPEAKER_00: That was the right answer.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: I know.
• 32:32
  unknown: All right.
• 32:33
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: Dear Lord, thank you for being a loving God and for being with us and carrying us when we don't know how to carry ourselves.
• 32:45
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for the podcast and for reaching out to others that may need you, Lord.
• 32:56
  SPEAKER_00: I ask all this in Jesus' precious name.
• 32:59
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.