Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #88 My Tween Daughter Is Feeling Left Out

Transcript

#88 My Tween Daughter Is Feeling Left Out · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Colson.
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: We are Luke and Susie and this is the podcast
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: for time poor parents who just want answers Now today
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: tween ages.
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: Just before we talk about the tween ages, I'm a
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: little bit concerned. I shared this with Susie earlier, but
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: I wasn't able to share it with Luke. Did you
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: hear about the shoe factory that burnt down just over
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: the weekend? No, it was really sad. About ten thousand
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: souls were lost.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Can we restart this segment?
• 0:33
  Speaker 2: You know, I tell Dad jokes sometimes he laughs.
• 0:37
  Speaker 3: That's what I'm not. You're not a comedian. All right,
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: let's take a look at this question.
• 0:43
  Speaker 4: I'm going to move you on. We need to be serious.
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: Okay, we are suffering tween friend dramas, says one mum.
• 0:50
  Speaker 3: She says, my daughter comes home upset because she feels
• 0:53
  Speaker 3: left out by her friends. I want to wait in
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: there for her, getting her advited to play dates, et cetera,
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: talking to other girls mums?
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Should I right? Well?
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: One of my favorite authors in this sort of tween
• 1:06
  Speaker 2: teen girl area is Rebecca Sparrow. And if you've got
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: a teenage girl, and you're not following beck on social media.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: You've just got to get onto that. She's just wonderful.
• 1:17
  Speaker 2: Her advice is so good. It's funny as well, because
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: with that question, when I it seems like lately we're
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: talking a lot about my new book that's coming out
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: in January, I'm not actually doing it intentionally, I promise you.
• 1:27
  Speaker 4: Brought up a question. No I'm not.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: But I've got a new book coming out about teenage girls. Oh,
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: we've got a title and we've got to cover. The
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: book is called Misconnection. Why your teenage daughter hates you,
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: expects the world and needs to talk?
• 1:42
  Speaker 4: I know?
• 1:43
  Speaker 3: But what makes me wish I had girls instead of boys?
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: I'll write a boys book one one time. I'm sure
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: one of the things that came out in the survey.
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: I surveyed about four hundred of them and interviewed them
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: and talked to their mums. And the number one thing
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: that brings them joy?
• 1:58
  Speaker 3: What was it?
• 1:59
  Speaker 4: Guess what do you think the number one thing that
• 2:01
  Speaker 4: brings teenage girls joy is?
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: I have zero? And that's right, no reference point. I
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: never saw my sisters happy.
• 2:17
  Speaker 3: Look, I want to go against my instant. I'm going
• 2:20
  Speaker 3: to say something to do with social media, winning in
• 2:24
  Speaker 3: social media, or on something on the phone.
• 2:26
  Speaker 4: Okay, well it's kind of related to that.
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: The answer was friends, the thing that brings them more
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: joyous friends. When I ask them what made life hardest
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: for them?
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: Friends?
• 2:36
  Speaker 4: Friends, Yeah, yeah.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, So friends are oxygen to our tween and
• 2:42
  Speaker 2: teen girls. I mean, friends are important for us as
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: humans we're in ultrasocial species. But for our teen and
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: tween girls, my goodness, they matter. And when things are
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: not going well for them. As parents, because we love
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: our kids so much, we want to dive in. We
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: want to say to them, well, let me fix this
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: for you, let me help you. I don't know that
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: that's always the wrong thing to do, but I'm not
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: sure that it's always the best thing to do.
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:05
  Speaker 3: Oh, well that's not answering the question yet. Okay, we're
• 3:09
  Speaker 3: going to need more on this as we look at
• 3:11
  Speaker 3: do we or do we not rescue our children when
• 3:13
  Speaker 3: things are not going right with their friends. I personally
• 3:16
  Speaker 3: am so far unsatisfied with the specialist sensors. So let's
• 3:20
  Speaker 3: get more out of Earringstone.
• 3:21
  Speaker 4: I gave you a chance to wrap it early.
• 3:23
  Speaker 3: Come on, well, it's like offense to me doctor justin
• 3:26
  Speaker 3: all right.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: Okay, So when we wade in we often complicate things,
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: but we can assist from the side. We can do
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: practical and instrumental things, and you can find those kinds
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: of ideas on the internet everywhere.
• 3:39
  Speaker 4: I just don't think that.
• 3:40
  Speaker 2: Most of the time, in most cases, that's helpful. The
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: kids start to feel pressured, they start to worry that
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: they're not good enough, they feel like their parents are
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: judging them. When we say to the kids, well, you
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: just need to go and talk to somebody. Why don't
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: you get somebody's phone number and we'll organize a playdate. Luke,
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: we'll organize a playdate on the weekend. We'll get you together.
• 3:58
  Speaker 2: And the kids go to school feeling press should they
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: feel anxious, anxiety levels go up. It makes things really challenging.
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: I'm not saying we shouldn't do that. I'm saying I'm
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: not convinced that in most cases it's the best thing.
• 4:09
  Speaker 3: So if our child is feeling left out, what is
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: the core need that we as parents can address with them?
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: What I think that we want to do is respond
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: to them with empathy, respond to them with validation, respond
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: to them with understanding and then let them work out
• 4:27
  Speaker 2: the best way forward themselves. So when a child's having
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: a really hard time, what we do as we sit
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: down with them and we hug them and we.
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: Say, it's really hard when you feel like you're alone.
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: Feeling isolated is one of the hardest things that you
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: can go through. We let them know that we get it.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: There's a phrase that I often use. If you can
• 4:44
  Speaker 2: name it, you can tame it. In other words, when
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: we let our children know that we understand the emotional
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: experience that they're living through, it helps their emotions to settle.
• 4:55
  Speaker 2: As their emotions settled, we then get to have sensible
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: conversations with them, like how can I help? What do
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: you think would be the best thing to do here?
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: Would you like me to be involved, would you like
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: to brainstorm ideas together?
• 5:08
  Speaker 4: Or have you got this and you're just having a
• 5:09
  Speaker 4: bad day.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: We get to play with ideas with them once they've
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: calmed down. But more than anything, they just want to
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: know my mom or my.
• 5:17
  Speaker 4: Dad gets it.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: They love me, They understand this is a safe place
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: for me to be at home.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: When I'm at work and I'm talking to people professionally
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: who are seeking my advice on how to advance their
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: careers and get further in media or whatever it might be,
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: I sit down in The advice I give as a
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: blanket for everybody is when you're in your workplace, sit
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: down and approach everybody with a how can I help,
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: especially to your bo how can I help? How can
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: I does that philosophy work to your child in this situation?
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: So rather than stepping in in the midst of empathizing
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: with them to go, well, how can I help? And
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: if they say you can't, but let's just sit here
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: and huddle or whatever, or if they say, well, actually,
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: can you can you help me to meet some people
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: like if they are ask it's a different scenario, right,
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: Is that an approach that works in a scenario like this.
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: It's one of the things that I recommend all the time.
• 6:11
  Speaker 2: One of the best ways to tell whether somebody is
• 6:14
  Speaker 2: really reading the situation right as a paralleld is whether
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: they step in or step out. However, you can almost
• 6:21
  Speaker 2: never go wrong by stepping in with a how can
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: I help? Because you're not stepping in to dominate, you're
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: not stepping into takeover, you're not stepping into punish or discipline.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: You're stepping in to say I can see that this
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: is hard for you right now, and I'm here for you.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: How can I help. It's such a non intrusive way
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: to intrude. It's such a wonderful way to step in
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: without actually taking over. That may be one of the
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: most powerful questions that we can ask our children when
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: they're in crisis. I can see that you're having a
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: hard time. Would you like a hug? What can I
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: do to help?
• 6:50
  Speaker 3: This is one of those times where we finish get
• 6:54
  Speaker 3: towards the end of chatting about something where I feel
• 6:55
  Speaker 3: like as a parent, I can take that I can
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: do like I want to stick it on my wall
• 7:01
  Speaker 3: as the reminder how can I help? Because that seems
• 7:04
  Speaker 3: to that would address so many things in my children's.
• 7:07
  Speaker 4: It goes across context.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: So we're talking here about a tween girl who's struggling,
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: and what might often happen is if she's emotional and
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: she's struggled, shoulders and saying I don't know, I don't think.
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: So he said, well, I'm here to help. I've got
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: some ideas. Would you like them or would you just
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: like a hug? And you don't have to fix the problem.
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: But eventually she might come to you and say I
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: really need help, at which point you're then invited to
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: step in. But that could be sibling dramas you know,
• 7:29
  Speaker 2: the kids are fighting. Guys, you seem to be having
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: a hard time. How can I help?
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: It could be a.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Child doesn't want to wait dinner, where you seem to
• 7:35
  Speaker 2: not really be enjoying this dinner tonight.
• 7:37
  Speaker 4: How can I help?
• 7:38
  Speaker 2: By asking the question how can I help, we open
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: up opportunities for meaningful conversations where we're invited into their
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: world and we can actually do the guiding and the
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: teaching and the instructing that's needed with them asking us
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: to please do it, rather than us jumping in and
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: saying I'm the parent and listen to me.
• 7:55
  Speaker 3: So good, Doctor Justin Coilson. At the end of the
• 7:58
  Speaker 3: first part of this chat, I thought you were to
• 8:00
  Speaker 3: give us nothing, but.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: That I never doubted you for a second.
• 8:04
  Speaker 3: Thank you so.
• 8:05
  Speaker 4: Much at your service. Yes, no problem at all.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: For more details on Justin's books, programs, and podcasts, you
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: can jump online to Happy Families dot com. Do Are
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: you and to find out how to have Justin come
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: and speak at your school organization or event. You can
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: find more details at Justin Coulson dot com