Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / Best Laughs of 2025 🤣

Transcript

Best Laughs of 2025 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_02: A while later, they came back from putting gas in the car.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_02: My wife walks in the front door, hands me a video camera, and says, You gotta see this.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm like, what?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_02: She goes, No, trust me, you're gonna have new material for your show.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_02: So I rerun it, hit play, and sure enough, there's my daughter standing next to her car.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_02: She has a door open on the gas tank, and she's standing there doing this.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_02: Mom, it won't open.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_02: Now, the first indication that my wife can be a very cruel woman when she wants to be, is what she did to help the child.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_02: Nothing.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_02: She just stood there videotaping.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: Then you hear my wife say, Honey, remember righty tidy lefty loosey.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: And the sixteen-year-old girl goes, whatever.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_02: Camera starts shaking.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_02: Then you hear my wife say, Honey, turn it counterclockwise.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: My daughter looked at her watch.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: And I'm the father standing there watching the tape going on.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: Because I realized she was looking at her watch two or three seconds too long before she realized she was gazing at a digital watch.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_02: But that's a good thing, because if she wasn't, that would mean she was just dumb.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_02: Okay.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_02: So she finally figures out, okay, turn her to the left, pulls the cap off, and of course we have those, you know, four, five, six-inch plastic leashes on a gas cap.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: I look at those and I go, who the hell are these four?
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: Obviously, at some point along the way, the car manufacturers had a meeting and they went, okay, there's too many idiots that don't know what to do with the gas caps.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_02: You gotta put the freaking leash on them.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_02: Were there people at gas stations going, uh.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_02: And then to add insult to injury, they put that little rack thing inside the door.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_02: And these same people are supposed to know, oh, you're gonna take the gas cap and hang it there.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: That's very organized.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you, right?
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_02: No, those people are going, uh.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, so now she turns around, she gets the nozzle out of the gas pump.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_02: All right, now, we all know that in the car there's a hole.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: And you have the nozzle.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_02: But there's also the sleeve that goes over the nozzle, has a little spring on it.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: That, of course, goes over the hole to keep the fumes from coming when you're filling up.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_02: You know what you would think that it's somewhere along the line in the last, I don't know, maybe maybe six months, she would have said to herself, Oh, I'm gonna be driving soon.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe I should watch mom and dad and take notes to see how to fill up a car.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_02: No, you know why?
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_02: Because for the last five years you've been sitting in the back seat going.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, here's the picture of my foot.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_02: She tried to cram the entire thing with a sleeve into the hole, just cramming it, crushing and pushing it, and there's camp saying, Mom, it won't fit, it's the wrong money.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: Camera's shaking.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, now.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: She didn't turn on the pump, she didn't swipe a credit card, she didn't go talk to the guy.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: She just stood there, apparently waiting for the magic gas to flow.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_02: And then she started doing this, realized nothing was going on.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_02: She was like reaches over, squeezes a thing.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: Camera's shaking.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_02: Mom, it won't stay on.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_02: Here's a second indication my wife can be cruel when she wants to be.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_02: She didn't tell the child what to do.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_02: She walked over to the car.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_02: You see the camera getting closer.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_02: You see her hand reach into the frame.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_02: What she did took about a half second.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_02: This is cruelty to children.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_02: She reaches in, squeezes a thing, with her pinky, flips it shut like this to keep it squeezed, hand out of the frame.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_02: My daughter goes, Mom, how'd you do that?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_04: And COVID wasn't just all about medical issues either.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_04: COVID had had forced a lot of us to re-evaluate our marriages.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_04: I know where you are, I'm one of them.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_04: My lovely bride and I have been married for 40 years.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_04: Thank you.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_04: But let me tell you something.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_04: The reason we've been married for 40 years is because I go away.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_04: I often tell her I'm the perfect husband.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_04: I go on the road, pick up a check, come home, drop it off, leave again.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_04: But COVID hit, and now we're together 24-7, and we had a little digestion to do.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_04: I learned a lot about Gail that I didn't know.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_04: You would think after 40 years of marriage, I'd know everything there is to know about that woman.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_04: But I learned a lot.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_04: I learned that she's addicted to Bed Bath and Beyond.
• 7:03
  SPEAKER_04: And I think they ought to call it Bed Bath and Beyond your budget.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_04: She just buys crap.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_04: One day she came in and she goes, We need to go to Bed Bath and Beyond.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_04: I said, For what?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_04: And she goes, I need to get clothes hangers.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Don't we get them free from the cleaners?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, No, I need the special kind, and you ladies will know what I'm talking about.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_04: She said, I need the kind with the velvet on them.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_04: I said, For what?
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, so it keeps my dress from falling off.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_04: I go, that's been our problem for 40 years.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_04: My other favorite was, she goes, we need to go to bed, bath and beyond.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_04: I go, now for what?
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_04: And she goes, She said, I need to get guest towels.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_04: I go, for what?
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, so when people stay with us, Bill, they have towels they can use.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_04: I said, well, here's a thought.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_04: We have a washer and dryer.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_04: And those folks don't live with us, so they don't know that our regular towels ain't our guest towels.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_04: And if they bitch about us, screw them, they can go stay at the hilt.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_04: I said, you're just buying crap.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, Well, you buy crap at Bass Pro Shop.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_04: I said, No, ma'am.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_04: I buy essential items at Bass Pro Shop.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, like what?
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_04: And I said, like, I need a cooler that knows whether to keep my beer cold or my coffee hot.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_04: That's essential.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, You're an idiot.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_04: I go, I'll be an idiot with a cold beer.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_04: That's what I'll be.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_04: But it's just weird to see how she was acting during COVID.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_04: Because if and I swear, if I didn't know better, I think she was pregnant.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_04: Because she was nesting.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_04: I swear.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_04: I would get a cup of coffee, take two sips of it, set it down on the stool, and walk three steps away, and she goes, Are you done with that?
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_04: Well, there's three quarters of it left.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_04: There's still steam coming off it, so I'm gonna go, no, Alex?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, Well, you know where to put it when it's done.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_04: I go, right, we throw it out in the street.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, No, you put it in the dishwasher and put it in the dishwasher right.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_04: I go, What do you mean, right?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, I didn't know this, though.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_04: Did you know this?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_04: That there is a wrong way and a right way to load a dishwasher.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_04: See?
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't know that.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_04: One night we had dinner, and I we finished dinner, and I took my plate and my silverware and I walked to the dishwasher, put them in there, shut the dishwasher.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_04: Here comes Gil right behind me.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_04: Opens up, starts rearranging.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_04: I said, What are you doing?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, You put them in there wrong.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_04: I said, What are you talking about?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, Bill, you can't put bowl, plate, cup, bowl, plate, plate, cut, bowl, plate.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_04: I go, why not?
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, they won't get clean.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_04: I said, have you ever actually been inside a dishwasher?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_04: Here's something else I didn't know, Gail.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_04: Did you know that women can have a bad day and blame the whole day on their hair?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_04: I didn't know that.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_04: One day during COVID, Gail was in a pissy mood.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_04: And she goes, Oh, my the girl that cut my hair did it all wrong.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_04: I can't get it right, and it just ruined the whole damn day.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_04: I was like, wow.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_04: Fella couldn't get away with that.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_04: Fellas couldn't have a bad wiener day.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_04: What?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_04: We do.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_04: Some days it looks good, doesn't it, boys?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_04: That's right.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_04: You want to slap a leash on it and walk it around the block.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_04: Then other days maybe it was cold.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_04: You slept on it wrong.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_03: Man couldn't blame a whole damn day on it, though.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_04: It's like, Jimmy, what's wrong with you?
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_04: Ah, I'm having a bad wiener day.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_04: What happened?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, I took a shower, fell asleep on the couch.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_04: It was still wet.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_04: I can't do nothing with it.
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_03: I'm gonna guarantee you right now there's somebody in this theater going, that is a bored human being right there.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_04: This is another thing I learned.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_04: My lovely wife likes, she has to say things out loud.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_04: That's how she gets them straight in her head.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_04: Perfectly fine if you know that's going down.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_04: But we'll be in the car.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_04: And I'm driving, and this is what I'll hear.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, I need to go to the cleaners, I need to make a hair appointment, I need to make sure to get my nails done.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_04: I'm like, I'm not talking.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_04: I keep driving.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_04: Can I hear?
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_04: Okay, do we have a dog?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, wait, wait, wait, do we need to pick up those tickets?
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_04: And uh do we need to make reservations for dinner?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_04: And I just keep driving.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_04: And she goes, are you gonna answer me?
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_04: Yeah, if I knew who you were talking to.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_04: Me or your little imaginary friend down there.
• 12:10
  SPEAKER_04: Well This was my other favorite one.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_04: The other day she came and she goes, I think you need to get your hearing tested.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_04: And I said, What?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, see, I was joking.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_04: She goes, No, Bill, I really think you need to get your hearing tested, because you don't hear half the stuff I say.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_04: And I remember when I got married, my granddaddy pulled me aside and he said, Son, if you want the secret to a long and happy marriage, pick your battles.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_04: He said, if you go to war every time, you're gonna lose.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_04: And I remember thinking this is a battle.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_04: So I said, All right, I'll go get my hair and test it.
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_04: I went to the hearing doctor.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_04: Gave me the test.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_04: He goes, Your hair is fine.
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_04: I said, Thank you very much.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_04: Went home.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_04: I said, he said, my hair is just fine.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_04: She said, Well, how do you is that you don't hear half the stuff I say?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_04: I said, you know, it's funny you bring that up.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_04: Because he said that maybe you shouldn't wait till you're at the other end of the house before you start talking to me.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_04: Look at the women, fellas, look at them, look at them.
• 13:12
  SPEAKER_04: They know it's in their little bullet in their arsenal right there.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_04: I swear to God, Gil, and I could be sitting in the same room for three hours, not a word is said.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_04: I get up and walk to the other end of the house and I hear this.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_04: Now I gotta come back in and go, what?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_04: See?
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_04: You're hard of hearing.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_04: Oh, no, dogs couldn't hear what you were saying.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_02: What are you doing?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_02: Put that damn thing away.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_02: We we left out a couple of the new jokes.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care, put the damn thing away.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_02: No, it put it.
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_02: No, yeah, now I don't want to do that.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: What no?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: We knew it.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_02: We did step up.
• 13:48
  SPEAKER_02: Put it away.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_02: Don't you flare your nostrils in the ass.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: I'll take you out right here.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_02: Just listen to me where we left out a couple of the new jokes.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_02: We did?
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, hang on a second.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, it's none of the lips.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_02: Here's a good one right there.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, there's the dunkadunk chick.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_02: That's you, that's a good one.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_02: Do that one, huh?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_02: Do that one.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_02: No, I don't want to do that one.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, that's a good one.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care, I don't want to do it.
• 14:39
  SPEAKER_02: We rehearsed it.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: Wait, look, there's two of us up here that make decisions, and one of us does not want to do it.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_02: Please.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_02: Please?
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell is wrong with you?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_02: No man says please to another man.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_02: All the girls at your house are getting to you.
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_02: You're acting like a chick.
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_02: Just do this.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: Oh lord.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell?
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: Hey Jeff, you ever yelled out the wrong name during static?
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_02: That's not it.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care I want to do this.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 15:36
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, your wife said you That was a long time ago.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_02: I know it was very awkward.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_02: He was That is not true.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_02: Still funny as hell.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_02: Let me ask you a question.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_02: I'm very happy for the African Americans that they have the Kwanzaa holiday.
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, how come there's no whole white holidays?
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_02: Larry Caucasian.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_02: Then we'll be having our customary Caucasian dinner, meatloaf and tater tops.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_02: Then we'll be singing our traditional Caucasian songs, free bird and margaritas.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_02: Mary Caucasian.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_02: Hell, you could be the poster child for that holiday.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_02: Can we talk a little bit more about Christmas?
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_02: Whatever.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_02: So, um, what did you get your wife?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_02: Uh mop.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you take the stick out, hey, it's a wig.
• 16:49
  SPEAKER_02: Where are you shopping for your wife at the 99 cent store?
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_02: What'd you get your grandson?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_02: A sponge?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_02: That's not a toy.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: It is when you convince him it's sponge mob.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_02: What did he say to that?
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_02: He said sponge lob is not blue with a scour side.
• 17:13
  SPEAKER_02: I said it is when he has an infection.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_02: Keep scrubbing.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_02: Walter, what were some of your favorite toys when you were a kid?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, nothing like today.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_02: What do you mean?
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you know, they got like computer games and all that.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_02: We didn't have that stuff.
• 17:29
  SPEAKER_02: No no.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_02: Hell, we want to play tennis, we actually went outside and swung a racket.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_02: None of that wheelie crap.
• 17:38
  SPEAKER_02: And playing the guitar, there were strings, not frickin' colored buttons.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_02: Hello.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_02: And there were no shoot-em up games.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_02: We actually went outside and killed the asshole.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_05: It's tough getting over.
• 17:59
  SPEAKER_05: Looked up, saw that light, started to walk towards it.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_05: Went into an antique store, they wouldn't let me leave.
• 18:21
  SPEAKER_05: I asked Siri a question about my life expectancy, and she changed the subject.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_05: There's some advantages to be my age.
• 18:35
  SPEAKER_05: Frequently people will stand and offer me their seat, which is great on the bus, a little creepy in the men's room.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_05: I can now ride the city buses of Houston for free.
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_05: So, ladies, I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_05: I have a hobby.
• 19:09
  SPEAKER_05: I Google diseases and their symptoms.
• 19:14
  SPEAKER_05: Evidently I died four days ago.
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_05: Which makes this pretty impressive.
• 19:23
  SPEAKER_05: I also like to get in the express line at the grocery store and count items in other people's baskets.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_05: Oh, I don't think so, lady.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_05: Not on my watch.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_05: You take your scooter and scoot.
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_05: I went to the doctor because I thought I had arthritis.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_05: I don't.
• 19:59
  SPEAKER_05: I have early onset rigor mortis.
• 20:12
  SPEAKER_05: A friend asked me if I wanted to participate in the adopt a grandparent program.
• 20:17
  SPEAKER_05: I said, sure.
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_05: Now I have a ninety-five-year-old man on my hands.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_05: I'd love to be a grandfather, but I don't even have children.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_05: I need to get busy.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_05: Ladies, I can be anywhere in four and a half hours.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_05: Every time I leave my apartment, I have to go back because I forgot something.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_05: Tonight I reap for my wallet.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_05: Wouldn't you know it?
• 21:04
  SPEAKER_05: I forgot my pants.
• 21:16
  SPEAKER_05: I quit listening to people, so I have less shit to remember.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_02: You too.
• 21:27
  SPEAKER_02: Are you alright?
• 21:28
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_02: What's wrong?
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'm pissed.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 21:32
  SPEAKER_02: I have no idea.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_02: Walter you ever thought about him being happy?
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah?
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_02: What happened?
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_02: Pissed me off.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_02: What would happen if you were happy?
• 21:42
  SPEAKER_02: Your show would suck.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_02: You know, Walter, just once, I think you should try being happy.
• 21:50
  SPEAKER_02: You're an idiot.
• 21:53
  SPEAKER_02: What the hell is wrong with you?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_02: What I call you an idiot and you smile like I gave you cake.
• 21:59
  unknown: Do you want
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: Be in a good mood?
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: Not if I'd look like a moron like you, no, thank you.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_02: I've seen you walk by perfect strangers and go, oh hello, how are you?
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_02: So that makes mothers hide their children from you.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_02: You don't think I should be nice to strangers, you know, even dog sniff assholes first.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe you should try that.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think so.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_02: Actually, there are those little idiot dogs who when they see anyone, they jump all around and then pee on themselves.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_02: You ever felt like doing that?
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_02: That's not gonna happen.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you might not jump all around, but when you get my age, you'll piss on yourself.
• 22:54
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I'm just happy to be here tonight.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_02: Where the hell are we?
• 22:57
  SPEAKER_02: Richmond, Virginia.
• 22:58
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, just uh one question.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_02: Why are we?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_02: It's a great part of the country.
• 23:24
  SPEAKER_02: Not in the winter, holy crap.
• 23:28
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 23:29
  SPEAKER_02: I hate being cold.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_02: I even got cold in Vegas last week.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, in Vegas, yeah, you took your wife there.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, you know, Vegas has become a great vacation spot for families.
• 23:38
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, sure.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_02: That makes sense.
• 23:41
  SPEAKER_02: Take the family to Vegas.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_02: Cause kids love whores.
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_02: Look, mommy, there's a place with poles like where you used to work.
• 24:02
  SPEAKER_02: So Walter, you've been doing anything fun since we got here?
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_02: Uh yeah, what did I do today?
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: I did something fun.
• 24:06
  SPEAKER_02: What?
• 24:07
  SPEAKER_02: I signed up Ocknid to be an organ donor.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's funny as hell right there.
• 24:15
  SPEAKER_02: I'm getting sick of that guy.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_02: I think all this thing is going to his head.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: Why?
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_02: He's been doing all the typical Hollywood stuff.
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_02: Like what?
• 24:22
  SPEAKER_02: He's been dating a goat half his age.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, an actual goat.
• 24:30
  SPEAKER_02: He even got a fake teeth.
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_02: Oh yeah, all six of them.
• 24:39
  SPEAKER_02: Walter, a goat only has two.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_02: How sick is it that you actually know that?
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_02: What are you so lonely now?
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_02: You're checking out barnyard animals?
• 24:57
  SPEAKER_02: You know they're called petting zoos, not heavy petting zoos.
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_02: Come on, what's your name?
• 25:06
  SPEAKER_02: Margaret.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Can we change the subject?
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_06: You don't realize how special America is until after you go abroad.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_06: Like I'm a fan of the females, and America got something called options.
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_06: I'm like, don't get me wrong, there's other races in Europe, but mainly it's Europeans.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_06: I'm looking in the show tonight.
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_06: There's a lot of beautiful options.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_06: Black women, white women, Asian, Latino.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_06: See a couple of Indian girls sprinkled about.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_06: I gotta say Indian women are some of the most beautiful women on the planet.
• 25:46
  SPEAKER_06: But Indian men.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_06: And it was weird because I had my first show in Sweden, but I had a layover in London.
• 25:53
  SPEAKER_06: And they actually had Indian people working airport security.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_06: Totally through me.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_06: Excuse me, sir.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_06: Could you please put all your belongings in a tray and move it forward?
• 26:03
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, what?
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_06: Because I'm from America.
• 26:07
  SPEAKER_06: I'm used to can you plead with everything?
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_06: And you gotta.
• 26:13
  SPEAKER_06: And I was drinking a Slurpee at the time.
• 26:15
  SPEAKER_06: It's like, you don't recognize it.
• 26:23
  SPEAKER_06: The f you talking like that for?
• 26:27
  SPEAKER_06: And listen, bro, if you a black man and you into white women, you gotta go to Europe.
• 26:31
  SPEAKER_06: We special out there.
• 26:32
  SPEAKER_06: Cause ain't a whole lot of in Europe.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_06: London is a major metropolis, a lot of in London.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_06: But you go to Southern Europe, Eastern Europe, Riga, Lithuania, they are no out there.
• 26:41
  SPEAKER_06: We like a delicacy.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_06: We like strawberry Kit Kats, nigga.
• 26:45
  SPEAKER_06: We rare.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_06: And that accent worked both ways, men to women and women to men.
• 26:52
  SPEAKER_06: Cause fellas, you can put the wrong woman with the wrong accent, that'll f up too.
• 26:56
  SPEAKER_06: I had s with a Jamaican broad recently.
• 26:58
  SPEAKER_06: It's the scariest shit I'd ever done.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_06: Because Jamaican women by nature are real fiery women, they're aggressive, passionate, spicy.
• 27:04
  SPEAKER_06: She put the pressure on me.
• 27:06
  SPEAKER_06: It was too much.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_06: I couldn't handle it.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_06: You want some of this board?
• 27:11
  SPEAKER_06: You better get back there and mash it up.
• 27:14
  SPEAKER_06: Don't f around.
• 27:16
  SPEAKER_06: Mash it up.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_06: Mash it up.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_06: When you pull your f out, you better come with the right amount of I'm your Nishan.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_06: Booyaka, booyaka.
• 27:26
  SPEAKER_06: I was crying.
• 27:27
  SPEAKER_06: I was like, quit your blood crack crying, you boy.
• 27:36
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my god.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_06: Ain't no Middle Eastern people in here, is it?
• 27:41
  SPEAKER_06: My man, right there, where you from?
• 27:43
  unknown: Pakistani.
• 27:53
  SPEAKER_06: Listen, if I said anything to offend you, I'm sorry.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_06: Me, you d the same.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_06: White people fend for yourselves.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_06: I fuck with every race group, but I don't f with the Middle East.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_06: When them say they the bomb, they mean that shit.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_06: You don't want to f with me, my friend.
• 28:14
  SPEAKER_06: I am the bomb.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_06: I be nervous as it is quiet in here, and all you hear is.
• 28:23
  SPEAKER_06: Matter of fact, I need to see you laughing at all times.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_06: Soon as sh don't be funny.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_06: He texted.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_06: It is time.
• 28:35
  SPEAKER_06: Matter of fact, if that get up to Pete, we all.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_06: I don't want to hear about it.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_06: What are you doing?
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_06: No, what are you doing?
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_06: Matter of fact, if you gon blow somebody up.
• 29:08
  SPEAKER_06: I went to Belgium.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_06: I was excited about that.
• 29:11
  SPEAKER_06: Cause I'm an action movie fanatic, and I know that's where Jean-Claude Van Damme is from.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_06: And ironically enough, I watched that movie on the plane ride over Expendables 2.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_06: He plays the bad guy in the movie.
• 29:20
  SPEAKER_06: Here's a fight scene with Sylvester Stallone at the end of the movie.
• 29:22
  SPEAKER_06: I thought Stallone and Schwarzenegger was hard to understand.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_06: Here's a moment just before the fight, Van Damme says to Stallone, Don't try to challenge me.
• 29:35
  SPEAKER_06: It took me 45 minutes to figure out that was trying to say challenge.
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_06: Don't try to challenge me.
• 29:44
  SPEAKER_06: I said, What the f is a chillange?
• 29:48
  SPEAKER_06: Sound like a black male hairdresser.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_06: Oh my god, girl, your hair is nice.
• 29:53
  SPEAKER_06: What you just chillan?