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3 Pillars of Skilful Communication Cheatsheet · The Stoic Handbook with Jon Brooks

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome everyone.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: Today we will delve into some profound concepts and practices to improve our relationships and more generally our inner world, drawing from the CIT model, cognitive interpersonal therapy, and we'll be incorporating these ideas with the wisdom of Stoic philosophy.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: So first I want to introduce you to the CIT model created by Dr.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_01: David Burns, an innovator in cognitive behavioral therapy, also known as CBT.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_01: CBT itself was inspired by Stoic philosophy, and the core idea is that our twisted thoughts cause our emotional problems.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_01: By untangling these thoughts, we reduce our suffering.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Epictetus said it is not what happens to you but how you react to it that matters, and this is the central idea in CBT.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: It emphasizes the power of our thoughts over our emotions.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Now when it comes to the principles of CIT, there are three main ideas.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: Number one, we provoke and maintain the relationship problems we complain about.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_01: Number two, we deny our own role in these conflicts because self-examination is too painful.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_01: And number three, we have more power than we believe to transform our troubled relationships.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: It's a kind of radical idea that the things that we complain about in other people in our relationships are in some sense being provoked and maintained by us.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now at first this will be a difficult pill to swallow.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Why?
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_01: Because of principle two, we deny our own role in these conflicts because self-examination is too painful.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: But the third principle is actually very good.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: If we can get past the first two, we end up with more power and the ability to actually transform our troubled relationships.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_01: So let's start with a reflection exercise.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and take a few deep breaths.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_01: So be brave in acknowledging your role here.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: Explore how you may actually provoke in subtle ways the problems that you complain about.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: But familiarity is often preferred to happiness.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: That's why a lot of us would rather be comfortable than great.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_01: For example, the distortion of mind reading is common when we assume we know what other people think, and then this leads to social anxiety and aversion making us want to avoid situations based on unfounded assumptions.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: So we go to a party, and then we presume that we know what other people are thinking.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's often bad, so we feel social anxiety.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: But we never question the distortion, the distortion that we are mind reading, and we don't actually have direct access to the thoughts of other people.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: So it's always worth being aware of these kinds of distortions.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Are we thinking in all or nothing terms?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: Are we minimizing the positive?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_01: This is a big one.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_01: You know someone does five nice things for you, and then one thing that is questionable, and you claim that this person doesn't like you and hates you.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: We personalize, we blame ourselves and other people.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: All of these are distortions.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: We tell ourselves we should be doing something, or another person should be doing something, which again is a sort of distortion, doesn't really quite make sense the word should.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: But beyond these cognitive distortions, there are classic communication errors.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: So I want to get into some of these errors now.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: I'm gonna list them out.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_01: And as I list these out, I'd like you to ask yourself, which ones of these do you make the most?
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: So we have claiming ultimate truth, so this is when you insist you are right.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_01: The next one is diversion, so you change the subject.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: Another one is blame, pointing fingers at others or even at yourself.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: Defensiveness, so refusing to admit flaws, hopelessness, acting as if nothing can be fixed.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: Martyrdom, acting as the innocent victim of it all, demandingness, complaining about others not meeting your expectations, put downs, criticizing others, denial, refusing any of your role in issues, labeling, simplifying someone to a negative label, helping and problem solving, offering solutions instead of actually listening, sarcasm, using mocking or ironic language, counterattacking, responding to criticism with criticism, passive aggression, using silent treatment or other indirect forms of aggression, scapegoating, blaming others entirely for your problems.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_01: Mind reading, assuming you know what others think or feel.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: So have a think about which of these you tend to struggle with the most, and then just try not to do them.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you blame people a lot.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you're just demanding, and if someone doesn't meet your exact specific expectations, just let it go.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: It's okay.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: Focus on meeting your own expectations instead.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: Do you speak in disrespectful ways and use sarcasm too much?
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: Do you counterattack so as soon as someone comes to you with any criticism, you're right there ready to fire back?
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: David Burns says that if you summarize what good communication looks like, it can be summed up as a balance of empathy, assertiveness, and respect, so the acronym is EAR or EA.
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_01: So when you express empathy, you understand and share the feelings of others.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_01: Assertiveness means you clearly express your thoughts and needs, and respect means you always speak respectfully regardless of the situation.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: If you can just tap into these three things, empathy, assertiveness slash honesty, and respect, you won't go far wrong.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_01: If you approach every interaction with this mindset, you'll find that your relationships start to naturally get better.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_01: So I'd even recommend that you think of a recent conflict and ask how could you apply empathy and assertiveness and respect to this?
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_01: So with empathy, just imagine how they may be feeling.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: What are they thinking and what are the emotions in their body?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_01: Now validate their emotions without judgment.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: You don't need to agree with them, but you just understand them and respect them.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: And just like a toddler having a tantrum, you don't try to stop them feeling that way.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_01: You're just like, hey, I get it, it's tough.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_01: Where you're at right now, it's hard for you.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: The assertive part is when you just express your thoughts and your needs honestly.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: And respect, this is sort of like an overall feeling tone to the way that you speak.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: You don't name call, you don't speak in a hostile tone.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_01: It's just respectful.
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_01: Another model that I think is worth being aware of is the non-violent communication model, also known as NVC.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_01: This model was developed by Marshall Rosenberg, and NVC focuses on four core pillars observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
• 11:09
  SPEAKER_01: So with observations, you just describe what you observe without an evaluation or a judgment.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: So you keep it to the specific facts of the situation.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_01: Secondly, you express your feelings honestly, and and I mean real feelings.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_01: I feel sad, irritated, angry, upset, etc.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_01: Third, you identify your unmet needs behind the feelings.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_01: So the idea here is that all of our feelings come from unmet needs.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_01: Fourth is a request.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: So you make a concrete and positive request for change.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: So to practice the NVC model, you can think of a specific situation where you needed to communicate better and follow these steps.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: So first of all, describe the situation without judgment.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: So instead of you worked a lot last week, you say, Hey, I noticed you worked 60 hours in the office last week.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Then you go into your feelings, express your emotions.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: I feel lonely when you work late.
• 12:06
  SPEAKER_01: Not I feel you don't love me when you work late, but instead your feelings.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_01: I feel lonely when you work late.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Three needs identify your unmet needs.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: I need more quality time together.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_01: And four, make a request.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: Can we schedule a date night this week?
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: Think back to a recent conflict you had and try to run through this process.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: Doesn't have to be perfect, but just get practicing in your mind's eye.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: Observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you a few minutes to practice that.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: So a quick recap is that we looked at CIT.
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_01: This is the idea that we maintain and provoke the relationship problems we complain about, but we also have more power to change our relationships and especially our troubled relationships than we first think.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_01: We covered some classic communication errors and looked at what good communication is all about.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Empathy, assertiveness, and respect.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: And then I give you a specific model you can start using when things get tough in your relationships.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: The four-step model is observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Now remember, the goal is to transform your relationships by changing your behavior and your communication patterns.
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_01: This is what you can control, your thoughts, actions, and reactions.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: So try to make your relationships meaning and positive through your own intentions.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Practice these methods regularly, and you'll soon see rapid changes actually in your relationships and in a piece.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for being here, and I'll see you again soon.