Latest / The Growth Project / Episode 405: Trust Yourself, Not the Outcome

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Episode 405: Trust Yourself, Not the Outcome · The Growth Project

• 0:00
  we're we have to really be careful. If you tell yourself something long enough, you believe it yourself.
• 0:04
  And and you just trust yourself and you aren't able to see the truth when everybody else can,
• 0:13
  Welcome to The Growth Project, a podcast brought to you by us, Doctor Drew Brandon, joined by folks entire.
• 0:23
  Or represent. And, you got the Georgia represent. Yeah. We are unintentionally representing our teams of choice. Yes. Yeah.
• 0:31
  fired up about this one today. You know, as we think about this topic that we get into, I find myself kind of coming back to this idea of, like, there are there are certain things in life that sound great.
• 0:44
  Yeah. You know, like, they sound really, really good. And we sometimes think them ourselves. We sometimes find ourselves like giving out this advice or kind of this, like, charge to someone else. And, it's very well intentioned, but I think what we sometimes miss or we don't fully realize is, although it sounds great, it's not easy. No. Like it's it's as we say, right?
• 1:06
  Simple but not easy. Like it's a very simple concept, simple thought. But man, this can really be a difficult thing to do. And that thing is trust yourself, right. So like how you just trust yourself, man. Like, yeah, you got this. Remember who you are. Trust yourself. Trust your instinct. Trust your gut. Trust. Trust your decision making. And and that's like we all say it and there's some truth in it.
• 1:29
  But I think if we like our own doubts or our own fears, our own insecurities, our own life experiences create some conflict with trusting yourself. And, and and I think too many times we are trying to trust our self about the wrong things. We're trying to tell ourselves to trust ourself around maybe an outcome or an opportunity, and we can't really predict that future.
• 1:53
  We definitely cannot predict our future or control. And so if we can understand and I love this topic, to really understand, what does it really mean to trust yourself? How do you do it? When do you not need to do it? What are some some times where you need to lean on the right people and get the right data and get the right decisions, or get the right information to help you make the right decisions.
• 2:14
  Yeah. So we really we just want to kind of unpack this whole concept. Right. And I think, amongst other things, we want to help bring some clarity to when someone says, trust yourself and let's say, hey, okay, I want to do just that. What do I do? Like what do I do first? What do I do next?
• 2:34
  How do I think about it? Understand what it really means? Like, let's build a plan so that when we dole out this hey man, trust yourself. Language. We. And then maybe the folks that we're trying to help understand what to do. Yeah. And so just pause for a second. And when you hear us say trust yourself or you've heard somebody tell you that in the past, what do you think we're really talking about?
• 2:59
  Like that may be inform you a little bit the lens with how you listen to our conversation today. Like what? What do you think we're really talking about? Are we like like trust your decision making, trust in your experiences, trusting your thought patterns, trusting your emotions, trusting your education, trusting your preparation, trusting your effort, trusting your values, trusting those like, what does that really mean?
• 3:22
  And how is it resonating with you today? Because I think if we can look at it through that lens, then we can start saying, okay, how can we build up some reasons to trust ourself, when to do it, when not to do it? Yeah, yeah. And this will mean different things to different people obviously. Yes. Your your personal life your professional life.
• 3:40
  But I think the, the premise we want to operate from here is that when we say trust yourself, this is not you or me or any other person getting this internal feeling where it's like, okay, I know this is right. I know this is the right decision. I know this is the right step to execute. It's not about that.
• 4:03
  It's not about I know this is right. What it is is it's having that internal confidence that, okay, I can make an informed choice. I can commit to it. And ultimately I can respond effectively, good or bad. Right. Like, hey, it might it might turn out right. It might turn out not so great. But it was an informed choice.
• 4:25
  I committed to it. I, I was all in on whatever the decision was and I can live with the outcome. Yeah, I think that's that's so powerful because what we're talking about now is this sense of agency that I can trust myself, that I have what it takes to make the best decision I can with the information I have, that I can trust my response to it.
• 4:48
  It's not this absolute that I'm always going to make the right decision, that that that informed decision isn't always necessarily going to be the right decision. Only time. All you can do is make the best decision you can with what you have and and only time will tell if it's a good decision. We will not say that that came from Wedding Crashers, but but that's okay.
• 5:05
  You can learn from everybody. But I think that's where so many people get it confused, because when you hear trust Yourself and we shift our focus to trust, you're going to make the right decision. Trust you're going to going to make the right career move. Trust. You're going to choose the right major trust. You're going to choose the right spouse.
• 5:22
  And you kind of run that out. There's so much doubt, so much uncertainty that we become overwhelmed. And then the word you use just a little bit ago was confidence. We lose confidence. We we operate out of a position of fear. Now we become indecisive and we don't trust ourselves. We become dependent on other people to make those decisions for us.
• 5:44
  And you know, one more point on this. Before we keep moving, which you mentioned about confidence, where this can really get unfortunate is like, let's do a golf example of you can make a great choice where it's like, okay, I took all the available information that I had. I thought about all the right things. I fully committed to this.
• 6:05
  I trusted myself in the moment. And guess what? I got a really bad break. Like, it could have easily done this, but it did that instead. And then people sometimes lose confidence. Understandably, right? Because like the outcome wasn't the outcome dictated. Outcome wasn't great. But man, you did everything you should have done and could have done in the way of like trying to trust yourself.
• 6:26
  Yeah, I think that's a great example. I think even I remember Scotty earlier in this year in the tournament, he gets a shot and he and he gets frustrated. He says something to his caddie, you know, because the wind picked up. You know they they process the example. They had all the right variables. They made the best. And then and then conditions change.
• 6:42
  And if you don't handle that effectively you start thinking, well, maybe I didn't I don't know how to make the right decision. Maybe I chose the wrong club. Maybe. Maybe my caddie didn't do his job. Maybe I can't trust myself. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And so that's where you can kind of getting your own head and move you farther away from really who you want to be and how you want to be.
• 7:00
  So let's focus for a moment here on this. Let's get some context established. And so when we're we're getting we're talking about this idea of you trusting you. When is this coming into play. And so what are we talking about? We're talking about
• 7:13
  Yes decisions. We're talking about high pressure, high demand moments. Right. When else when when is this coming into play?
• 7:22
  Well I think what you're describing is right. When there are no absolutes, which is everyday life, right? Yeah. Yeah. When we're in that gray area and there's mixed data, you know, there's there's mixed information, there's there's different opinions on what you should do and how you should act and what we think the outcome is going to be. And, and also you come into conflict with maybe people who have authority over you and whether that's parents or whether that's leaders or whether that's people that you respect that, that see it differently and, and you get in that moment of angst and I'm like, man, I'm not quite sure what to do.
• 7:59
  Like, I respect, you know, say, if you and I are trying to make a decision and we've done this over the years in the business where where I think we need to do something, you see it completely differently. And I'm like, well, well, I'm a writer. Am I wrong? And and and can I trust you? Can I trust myself and if you don't know how to navigate that, it can.
• 8:18
  It can really create some problems in how you move forward. Your your level of efficiency, your effectiveness. And I think the other piece true that we I mean, especially in the world we've lived in forever in sports and and in corporate America, you know, the outcomes matter. Yeah. I mean, exactly. And like, that's that's where it can really get tough.
• 8:41
  Right? Because you think about like, how many times is this happened where something happens, outcome, whatever it might be. And you then hear a leader say, well, I don't even know if I can trust this person anymore. Yeah. Because here's what happened. It's like, wait a second. Well, is it really fair to connect those two things? Yes. Like if if everything about the process was correct in how the decision was made and it was from a place of trust and maybe the outcome was bad.
• 9:15
  It's amazing how we connect those two things. Like we can't trust them anymore. You know, what is they did? Who said they could control the outcome? Yeah. You take away the privilege of people being human in that moment. And you were quite the outcome with the person. And you label that person as I can't trust them or you don't really understand.
• 9:31
  None of us can control the outcome, right? Like like like, what do we say? We can't trust them in big moments. We can't trust it like, like like we don't go back to the controllable factors. Was that person putting in the work where they putting in the effort, where they prepared for that moment? Did we coach them the right way or did we communicate the right way?
• 9:51
  It's just so easy to assess or assign blame. Yeah. Now, if the process is bad, that's completely yes. Like I remember after we beat Alabama in the first national championship and they'd had a couple of injuries late with a receiver and they were playing two freshmen at some key points in that game at receiver and in afterward. One of the things I remember Coach Saban said was he was like, we had some people who we had to put into those moments who weren't ready for it.
• 10:22
  Yeah, and I think what he was saying there was he, you know, they didn't trust those guys. But but the reason was their process was bad. They didn't think they're gonna play. Yeah. So they weren't preparing. They didn't. It sounds like they hadn't prepared throughout the season like that. And they hadn't been in those moments before. And I think where we we falter as leaders or where we falter as parents, instead of labeling the problem or the the process, in this instance we label the person.
• 10:49
  And so what do we tell that person is, I can't rely on you. I can't trust you. So that creates even more doubt in someone's mind. Well, they don't think I have what it takes. They don't believe they can't trust me. Why should I trust myself? Or maybe you're the person where life has been really hard. And no matter what you've tried to do, you've tried to make the right decisions and you just keep getting in difficult situations and experiencing pain and frustration and disappointment and hurt.
• 11:14
  It's really hard to have the self-confidence that you're going to make good decisions. Yep. So let's get into this, like within this construct. Let's get into this, this kind of one click down, self-trust. Okay. And let's try to establish what it is versus what it isn't. Right. So when we say self-trust, what is that not.
• 11:36
  You know, it's probably the wrong word. True. But the first thing I think is this naivete around that you're going to always make the right decision, that your gut is always right, that you can trust your emotions all the time. So anytime we start using those extreme words like what is not is just going into a situation unprepared, convincing yourself that you're ready for that moment.
• 11:59
  And this is what we tend to do as human beings. We think because we're good in one thing, we're an expert in everywhere else.
• 12:08
  how many times have we seen this in our career that that me. Maybe somebody is a great leader or they're a great salesperson or they're a great coach. They start thinking that they're right about everything that that they can trust themselves on everything. And so when you see these generalizations where I'm always going to make the right decision, I can always rely on myself.
• 12:27
  I'm not asking anybody for help. I know what I need to do. Like what? You're really leaning towards this sense of hubris. Yes. And that's not self trust. That's arrogance. Yeah. The whole like, as you're describing all that, I get this kind of image in my head of, in the business world, it's like the equivalent of the, the serial entrepreneur or who, like the King Midas, you know, everything he touches turns to go, it's like confident.
• 12:57
  And it's like, wait a second, that is a real you know, that is not what it means to trust yourself. And I think that's why trust is so fragile in those situations. Because it's it's not believing that you're invincible. And I think
• 13:13
  we're we have to really be careful. If you tell yourself something long enough, you believe it yourself.
• 13:17
  And and you just trust yourself and you aren't able to see the truth when everybody else can,
• 13:24
  and that can cost you. Okay? So that's what it is. It more squarely and accurately like, what is it? And what do we mean when we say self trust? To me, as we're thinking about this, I go back to emotional intelligence.
• 13:35
  I just was was focus on that today in that first key construct of someone who's emotionally intelligent, has a sense of awareness about themselves. They're there's a sense of honest evaluation about their strengths and about their weaknesses around their emotional reaction to stress and how that clouds their their judgment and their thinking. So to me, it's having the courage to really, like, look at myself and say, hey, we're we're gonna tend to have some strengths.
• 14:02
  Where do I get some affirmation that I tend to make good decisions, that I tend to know what I'm doing, that I have some expertise or some level of skill, but to be honest, where to? Maybe I really need some help. And I think maybe to me, what self-trust is, is just an honest conversation with yourself of of knowing like, you know me, I love to learn from quotes and poems.
• 14:25
  And my favorite poem is if and it starts this way. If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blame it on you, well, the next line says, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, but make allowance for their doubting too. So what does that really mean? So in that lens to me, drew, is when everybody is doubting me, what are the things I really know to be true about myself?
• 14:49
  Can I trust my preparation? Can I trust my experience? Can I trust my process? Can I trust my instincts? But making allowance for the doubting? Do I have the courage to say, well, drew sees this completely different now I get offended. Yes. Yeah. And can I be open to a different lens and a different opportunity that is that is really trusting yourself enough that you can get a competing idea and a different thought in a completely different perspective in this world, and knowing how to integrate that information into your paradigm and still hold on to what you know to be true, still hold on to the values that you adhere to in your life.
• 15:27
  Yeah, and I like how you're saying that, and we've seen this in many, many ways over the years of like the people who seem to be able to, to do this with consistency are anchored to what you just said of like they've done the work to uncover and clarify values and standards. And it's like, man, I know in that moment when I need to trust myself, I'm anchor too, and I can fall back on, the things that I said and continue to say are important.
• 15:58
  Yeah, men are even going down that path. I love that you like. I also know what my biases are, because when you can really get in danger with your you're like trusting yourself. Like that's how we make bias decisions that we make very subjective decisions and we limit our ability to to learn and grow. And so I think you have to really be careful, like what self-trust is not is trusting your one interaction with one person that creates a label or a bias.
• 16:26
  It's like all people are this way. Like that's where stereotypes come from. That's what creates a huge divide in our world today. Well, and look, I think here's the thing there too is if we make a given decision and let's say 70% of it plays out well. Yeah. And 30% doesn't. We're really good at telling ourselves that the 70% is evidence that we made the right one, and the 30% is some kind of circumstantial, you know?
• 16:55
  Yeah. Not my fault is other people. Yeah. Like, hey, well, that was just where the ball bounced my way or the weather was bad or that, you know, it's like, whoa, hold on a second. That's not a good idea. But if you flip that right. What what? Trusting yourself really is in this moment is, we'll say 70% turns out wrong and 30% kind of turns out okay.
• 17:16
  The person what self-trust is to me in that moment, drew is that you're adaptable enough to admit you got new information and you can adjust that. We we aren't perfect in making decisions. And so trusting yourself says, I know when it's wrong. I think, yeah, this is really good. As we think about our career over the years where you're more of a fact based decision maker, I'm more of a instinctual based decision maker.
• 17:40
  Some of those decisions for us have been good over the years, and some of those have not turned out great. And I think it's taken both of us to say, okay, when do we pivot? When do we go a different direction? Like, hey drew, I like I know one of mine is like, I get passionate around what I believe in and that sometimes can clouds like, hey, no, where's drew really seeing this through a different lens because he's like, want I need to listen to that evidence.
• 18:05
  And when do I need to trust my gut that I believe in this vision so much? I think you can still come to life. Yeah. Those are not easy. No. You know, that dance is not easy. No. Because there's, I mean, any decision you're facing, any any choice, you can arrive at two completely different takes, and they both can be, very like plot, like.
• 18:31
  Okay, I see how we got here. Yeah. Like like solid rationale. Yes. And yet you go to that one choice not to. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think I think as we kind of think about like culminating what really self-trust is, to me, it takes a lot of courage to look in the mirror and be completely honest with yourself and and trusting that you have what it takes to overcome and meet the demands and challenges that are placed upon your life and upon your leadership and upon your family.
• 18:59
  That's like, that's what we're really talking about.
• 19:03
  We've established what we really mean when we're using these terms. Right. So what does it mean to have self-trust. Conversely what does it mean when you lack that or what does what does it look like? Let's get into why. And when people struggle to trust themselves. So let's start with the why. What are some thoughts on that.
• 19:27
  Like why is this difficult? Well, I think part of it is we can interpret our emotions incorrectly. You know, that that we know that adrenaline is released in my body when I'm stressed, when I'm excited, when I'm energetic, and and we really want to feel good about our decisions. And it's, you know, the foundation of cognitive psychology is not as you feel.
• 19:51
  So you think it's as you think so you feel so our emotions can betray us and lie to us. A little bit of just because it feels uncomfortable, just because it feels different, just because it makes me feel uncertain doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. Yeah, right. Exactly right. Because I think that's where the tension is. Because whatever apprehension I feel, yes, knowing whether that apprehension is on the one hand because I'm not trusting myself and maybe this is wrong, or is it I feel apprehension because I know something's at stake here.
• 20:27
  Yeah. Like what's which is which? It's really hard to know. Yeah. That is such a a and most people don't get past that. Yeah. Right. You know they interpret those emotions incorrectly. And it must be I can't trust myself in this situation. And so we aren't able to make a decision and we become dependent on other people or other information.
• 20:47
  And a little bit we excuse ourselves from, from the ownership of making the decision. Yeah. And I think the other thing that happens there for people is why they struggle with this is the internal feeling of certainty that they're looking for is never yes. It's never it's never getting there. Because we want such a high bar. We require such a high bar of certainty in order to move.
• 21:10
  And it's just not possible. No. Now, when it arrives, throw a party, because that's fantastic. But hey, how many decisions that we made over the years or when we've been a part of with, with companies and leaders where that was never going to happen, you're never going to get how do you and yes, and even even in that experience, when it happens that that feeling is so fleeting.
• 21:31
  Yeah. That too. And so making sure that what are we really talking about. Is it what's the most overused cliche? There's a lot of in sports I like get comfortable being uncomfortable. This is getting uncomfortable with your emotions and making sure they are not dictating or leading you down a wrong path.
• 21:49
  so we talk about the emotional aspect of how difficult it is to trust yourself. But but then just some everyday situations, you know you just said it I think is we want to be certain as human beings we want to know we're right.
• 22:04
  But what are some practical examples every day that we're facing, where there's no guaranteed outcome that we're faced with on a consistent basis, that makes it really hard to trust ourself? Hiring would be one, right? Like, we've we've interviewed this person and I'm a great interviewer. Oh man, I was that's where I was going. I was I was already smiling.
• 22:28
  I'm like an I'm a great interview. Oh how many times do we hear. And there's no like what. Like this is a time not to trust yourself. We know we make a decision very quickly of whether or not we think that person is going to be a good fit for us.
• 22:41
  the degree to which you enjoyed the conversation isn't the least bit predictive of that person's ability to do the job. Yes, we're on the same page there. Yes. And the fact that you have common ground that involves SEC football does not make them okay, or whatever your common ground might be.
• 22:58
  Yeah, hiring is a big one where it's like, man, we've we've been we've had an opening in this role for six months, and my team's been pulling double time and everyone's tired and. Yeah, like, I think this is she she's great. Like, she'll do great in this job. And I'm a great interviewer. So off we go. Yeah.
• 23:17
  And it's like be careful there. You know be careful. And before you know, maybe you do have good reason to trust yourself. But I think in a business context it would be hiring decisions, strategy. Right. Trying to make decisions around a new product, relaunching. What is the approach we need to have. We're going to restructure the sales force.
• 23:36
  Right? Yeah. On and on and on. Yeah. Just yeah, I just I mean, I think even just in our personal lives, like, where am I going to just go, who am I? Am I going to ask this person to marry me? And and where am I going to settle what job I'm going to take? We're all like, where am I going to send my kid to school?
• 23:51
  Like, like all those factors come into play on a on a daily basis. That makes it really difficult because we want some peace of mind. We, we want want some peace of mind and some kind of guarantee that, you know what? We're going to turn out okay, that life is going to be okay and there's no guarantees in that.
• 24:09
  Yeah. No. And then I think the other thing we do is that's probably another conversation as well as we once we've made the choice and we've made an attempt to trust ourself, we are experts at scrutinizing the decision with an extremely small sample size. Yeah. And that confirmation bias or affirmation bias that exists like we look for reasons to prove it was a good decision.
• 24:30
  And we've seen that be the downfall of so many people that they can't see the see the actual truth of what's happening in their lives.
• 24:37
  So so I think drew a couple other reasons before we kind of say, okay, what can we do about this of why people fail to trust and think about the world that we live in right now is such an like every like we have a, we have people constantly telling us how we should be and how we should act and what the world should look like and what happiness really is and where you should be in your stage of life.
• 25:00
  And so we have experts all around us. We have so much information. Part of that just creates a do I really know what I'm talking about? Do I really know what's best for me? What are my values? Why am I making this decision that that we have lost confidence in our ability and we trust every everyone else is an expert.
• 25:17
  Yeah, yeah, we hear that. We had that, title. I kind of use it. Yeah, yeah. Very easily. And so the last piece I guess, is we have such a critical lens at times of ourselves, sometimes we can see ourselves better than we are. But a lot of times we know the work that we do under a stressful situation.
• 25:36
  You're limiting your possibilities. You're seeing yourself in a very negative light and you're just beating yourself up. And so that really erodes your ability to trust yourself because to be honest, you know yourself better than anybody. Yeah, yeah, I agree with all of that. And I think the other thing we do is, overemphasize same point you're making over emphasize the losses.
• 26:00
  Yes. We devalue the stuff we do. Right. Yeah. And that erode stress. You know, if it's if I'm, if I have a very low bar and that's all it takes to indicate I was wrong. Man I'm going to really have a hard time trusting myself. And maybe to be quite honest, you grew up in a household where you were, nobody trusted you to make decisions.
• 26:21
  They made decisions for you. They always told you what to do. You found yourself in a in a sport where a coach is always telling you what to do, or now you're in a job and you've been told your whole life you don't make good decisions, or you don't have what it takes, or people do things for you.
• 26:34
  And I go back to our clinical practice, all those young men and I would say, what's the biggest problem with your parents? Well, they don't trust me. Why don't they trust what they do everything for me. So you start, have you? Maybe you start to believe in the things that other people have said about you. And so we want you to challenge some of those lives right now and give you a framework of, okay, what can I do to start trusting myself of I've lost a little bit of confidence or a little bit of trust in my ability to meet the demands of my life.
• 27:00
  What are some steps we can take? All right, let's focus on a sequence, a progression and a pathway, whatever term you want to use. But like if if we do the example of all right, here's a person who is faced with the decision he or she is trying to work through it, trying to internally practice an exercise trust.
• 27:24
  What's the path like? How do you do that? So let's go through it. Right. So I think in a situation like that, we would want that person to begin with some very simple question. Just basic things. These are things that you would really make would be great for you to kind of write these things down, have a little bit of a playbook, so to speak, of how you go about trusting yourself.
• 27:43
  But start with basic things like, what do I know? Yeah, you know, I'm faced with the decision. What are the things that I know? What are the things I don't know? What's the information I don't have? Okay. What's going on inside of me? How do I feel? What are those feelings? What are those emotions? What are my fears?
• 28:02
  And why am I feeling that I understand what they are? I can I can I start tell them like, what is that feeling telling me about? What am I thinking? What? What rule, what belief is being challenged to make me feel that way? Think that's even taking it a deeper level that really gets you down to what the truth really is?
• 28:20
  Yeah, this is really a lot of kind of like fact finding in a sense of like, let's lay the foundation here and understand information, internal feelings. You know, maybe there's a specific outcome that you're, stressed about hoping for or whatever it might be, but like, you know, get some of those things established and get clarity on them.
• 28:41
  You know, a recent example is, you know, Sabian and that that that episode is out right now. And he talks about going to Michigan State and they're getting ready to play Ohio State. There are four touchdown underdog and Saban's like, I don't trust myself to what this is like to walk into the team and believe we can win because I believe we're going to get blown out.
• 29:05
  So I don't trust our team. I don't trust our coaching. I don't trust our play. I don't trust that this is going to turn out in our favor. And Lonnie Rosen is kind of your typical psychologist. Saban went and met with him and he said, well, it's only a blowout if you care about the score. Yeah. Which by the way, like I know he wasn't the same and that he became.
• 29:26
  But like I would love to been in that room. I mean that is awesome. Yeah. I think about him as being that matter of fact with him and, and saying you're the problem, especially this kind of, you know, this dude kind of hippie looking guy. Saban so buttoned up, I would have loved this to seem Saban's first thought, but credit to him to to know like just like, what do I really know.
• 29:48
  Like my way in really working. And so one of the things that we know we appreciate of people over the years is they trust himself enough to know they don't have all the answers, and they're going to go to people that they can learn from. You would never, if you just judge by looks alone, never think that Saban would have walked over to Lonnie Rose and let him be a part of his life for 30 years.
• 30:10
  Yeah, but I mean, again, probably no time for the day, I think speaks to his greatness at 100%, his willingness to learn from someone and and but that's a good example of he was very clear like what I know to be true. But the outcome is I was so worried about the outcome, and I knew I couldn't control it, that.
• 30:29
  That that he didn't really trust him. So. So if I can, if he can tell himself the truth. Now you start thinking, where can I go to for help? All right. So we start with these basic questions then as kind of a step to where we go next. Yet to me, I think this is what I really think.
• 30:45
  You've done such a great job over the years, especially with Georgia. Football is a great example. Is what do you know to be true at your core? What are the values that you will want to live by? What is your vision for your life and how does that inform your decision making process that that to me has got to be at a core that you are now being able to trust that I'm going to make a decision based on the things that matter to me, based on the things that I think are really important.
• 31:11
  Like that's going to be not necessarily my North Star in that situation, but that's going to be my compass that if I stay pretty much true to that, I'm going to have a chance to make the best decision I can with the information I have. Yeah. And I think that's that's also what great organizations do. Yeah. We hope Brian's like, well, who did you say you wanted to be?
• 31:30
  You know, here that's when values need to really show up in key decisions. And I think what that also does we go back. It takes the emotion out of it right. We don't like to feel the anxiety and the angst and the uncertainty. Well, if I can at least know that I'm staying true to who I am and really what?
• 31:48
  Enough hash that out with somebody that I know, and I haven't done it from emotional state that I'm not reacting to what's right now. I'm playing the long game based on what I think is important at this time. You know, so we go through that, you know, we have our basic questions, then we get into what we call kind of that.
• 32:06
  Yeah, like that. Come back to the foundation. Yes. Values, vision. Identity. What do those things have to say about this decision. And if we're honest, what's really sad is most people haven't done that. They know the vision for their for their company. They know the words that their company says or their values, but they really haven't done it for their life.
• 32:26
  I mean, how many people we worked with over the years that, hey, we know our vision for our company or the values? Well, think about how difficult it is to make good, informed decisions to trust yourself when the tyranny of the urgent and the present state is dictating everything that you do. Right. All right. Next we have what I would call kind of like the archives here a little bit.
• 32:50
  Yeah. What I mean by that is you might need to go pull the conference files. You know, we talked a lot about how, you know, you got to file away things as you go throughout your life, in your career. Yes. You, you know, finding a way, getting it done, executing with precision and getting the win. Whatever it is, you got to build the mental files of those.
• 33:09
  And so when you're trying to navigate the decision, the complexity, go into the archives, pull some files and think about, okay, when have you been here before in some way, shape or form? What was the right move then? What do you what are the patterns you see in your life of why you should trust yourself? What's the feedback you received over time about yourself that you can lean on right now to help you trust yourself effectively, whatever it might be?
• 33:38
  Yeah. And that's where it's so easy as human beings to remember the bad, to remember, remember the bad. And we remember the losses where the brain is wired. But I love this kind of confidence file. It's going back and saying, it's like me to make good decisions, like me to be prepared. It's like me to, you know, think about Derek Jeter talking about learning to be clutch or looks like me hit the big shot.
• 33:58
  Like those affirmations that feedback. What evidence do you have to support the thought that you can trust yourself? And, you know, I think part of that, too, involves pulling the file of like, what have you done to prepare, like, think it, you know, go, go. Yeah. Whatever that you put the work in. Yeah, yeah. And in the absence of that it's hard.
• 34:19
  Yeah. And now like keep in mind we aren't saying evidence that you're going to win the game or evidence that you're going to get the job or evidence that your life is going to like, those are outcome based. This is what evidence do you have that you can trust yourself to show up in that moment, and you can depend on yourself in that moment to make the best decision you can.
• 34:37
  Yeah. And so we've got like a pretty good thing, right? Yeah. It's time to move. Yeah. And that okay. How do we take action. And I and I love that quote by Martin Luther King Jr. Say you don't have to know where the staircase is going. And this is what we're really talking about. You're quite sure what the outcome is in the absence of absolute certainty.
• 34:56
  What can you do now? He says you got to be willing to take the first step. And too many people become overwhelmed with information. They don't ever take the first step. They don't ever get any. So then I don't have any evidence about whether or not because other people are making the decision for me, or life is making the decision for me.
• 35:12
  And it's what you're saying here. But I think the mistake that gets made a bunch is we forget that the cost of waiting is sometimes greater than the cost of that. Yeah. And it's still a decision. Yeah. That too. But, you know, not taking action is sometime because you don't feel like you have enough info or enough peace of mind or whatever it might be, can be way more costly than possibly making a choice and and not being the best one.
• 35:37
  And I think part of what erodes our trust again, knowing our own fallibility as human beings, as we take that step, we expect perfection and what we know, what's what's a characteristic of a growth mindset is kind of recognize progress. Am I am, I am, I am, I've created a way to calibrate and evaluate, hey, this decision I made, you know, based on based on my history and past experiences, my future hopes and dreams, my current situation, did I trust myself to make the best decision?
• 36:05
  Well, now that I have new information, is it still a good decision? What's going well? What's not going well? How do I need to adjust?
• 36:11
  So now we've we've made our choice, whatever it might be. And whatever the, the effect of that is going to be is going to play out.
• 36:21
  And so now we're getting data back. We're evaluating the quality of the decision. We're evaluating the outcome as it's happening in real time. Talk a little bit more about kind of what that last phase of this whole thing entails. Well, I think you just said it. Most of the time we judge it by the outcome. Yeah. And we say, was this a good decision?
• 36:38
  And instead of kind of looking at the process of the decision making, and I think how you need to evaluate that, it's so easy to pat yourself on the back and it goes well and so easy to beat yourself up if it doesn't. We're trying to move beyond the old definition of success and failure and and go back to, you know, go back to how we started this and I tell myself the truth about what, I knew and didn't know at the time that did.
• 37:02
  I have some standards that inform my decision making, some parameters around how I make decision, what evidence that I have that I was making the right decision, what inputs that I received from other people. And and did I make the decision from an emotional state? But did I make a decision from a position of strength? That's reasons to trust the process instead of the outcome.
• 37:23
  Yeah, yeah. And it's when you go back and you ask some of those questions. Yeah. Just be prepared. Realistically, you're going to like some of the answers. You're not going to like some others. And that's just that's what this is. And that's okay. That's okay.
• 37:40
  drew, as we kind of review and wrap up this, I think it's a really good conversation. It's I know I'm thinking a little bit, even in my own life, but I think one of the other things that we get to where we can't trust ourself is we try to be all things to all people, and we commit to so many things and we don't have the bandwidth or capacity.
• 37:59
  And so we lose confidence, our ability to maybe execute on some of those actions. And we've got a thousand decisions today and and we don't trust we can follow this matrix or follow this game plan. So so part of this is really narrowing your focus a little bit and prioritizing what are the promises you really want to keep, and how do you narrow that down in your life to the things that are important to you, that that ends up being a little bit better way, instead of trying to be all things to all people, understand what your strengths are, understand what's important to you, understand who sustains you, and try to try to build your
• 38:35
  trust and confidence in those areas and in those relationships. Yeah, and a final thought from me would just be, we all want to do this well and everybody's different. And some people are going to be more oriented toward having a very clear blueprint. And there have been no takers at all. And some people aren't like that at all.
• 38:53
  However, I think it's really tough to trust yourself with consistency if you completely lack a plan of some type. And so I think hopefully the takeaway. Yeah, and our listeners today, it's got to be right. It's got to be the right one for you. It's got to feel right to you. But but please really consider how you could adopt at least a little bit of kind of a blueprint or a game plan for how you go about trying to trust yourself.
• 39:19
  And part of that game plan is having somebody that you trust enough to give you the honest truth, to give you some feedback along the way to help you evaluate the decisions so you remove your own biases and our tendencies to either, see it a certain way. Yeah, because I think try to just do this on your own without any type of a plan at all.
• 39:41
  It's going to prove to be really, really difficult. Okay. Well, as always, very thankful and appreciative to our listeners. Thank you for tuning in and we will look forward to our next conversation here very, very soon. Thanks so much.