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Attachment Trauma · Trauma Free Relationship

0:00
Let's talk about attachment trauma.
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In this episode, we're going to be talking about a specific kind
0:16
of trauma. And I'll refer you to the other
0:21
video and podcast that I had done talking about different
0:25
types of trauma. But this one we're going to
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drill down a little bit further and we're going to talk about
0:29
attachment trauma, what it is, what it looks like.
0:34
And then we're going to talk about a specific kind of
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attachment trauma that's called an attachment injury that can
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often happen in adults and in an adult relationship with your
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attachment partner. So that's kind of the scope of
0:49
this episode. Let's dig in and we'll do that
0:53
by doing a little bit of a review, which is to understand
0:57
what attachment is in the 1st place.
0:58
So attachment is an emotional bond between two people.
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Usually we have one, not two attachment figures in our life,
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meaning particular people that we know without a doubt we can
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turn to that will be there for us through thick and through
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thin. And these people show up for us
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in times of need. They respond to us.
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These are sort of our closest attachment figures, if you will,
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in our lives. It could be a parent, it could
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be a best friend, it could be your partner.
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But these people serve a certain function in your life, and these
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functions are the serve as a safe haven and they serve as a
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secure base. A safe haven is a person that
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you can return to an attachment figure then you can turn to for
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safety and comfort in times of need.
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So if you're scared, if you're upset, if you are frightened by
2:07
something, it could be something like potentially losing your
2:11
job. It could be that you're scared
2:15
of a colleague at work who might be threatening your position,
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could be scared that a best friend is not doing well.
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Maybe they are showing some destructive behaviors.
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When you have this type of fear, one of the things it does is
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drive you towards your attachment figure.
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You want to share this. You need somebody to be
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responsive to what it is you're feeling.
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And so that's the sort of the safe haven function of
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attachment. The other one's called a secure
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base and that is that when we feel attached to a particular
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person, especially if it's our partner in life, our intimate
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partner, then what that does is that acts as a secure base from
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which we can then go and explore the world.
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So for example, my wife is my primary attachment figure, and
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as such I feel safe and secure in that relationship.
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And I can get up every day and I can go out and I can use the
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gifts that I've been given to explore the world to make it a
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better place. I can go out and and hunt and
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and and kill the dinner, so to speak, metaphorically speaking,
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there and then and then be able to come back home to the safety
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and the security of that relationship.
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The other thing that attachment does is it serves to regulate
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the emotions between two people. So when we become dysregulated,
3:49
having an attachment figure that is responsive to that and is
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able to tolerate a little bit of dysregulation without becoming
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dysregulated themselves, then they serve a very important
4:02
emotion regulating function in our lives.
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And so I know there's been time certainly in my relationship
4:07
when I've got upset by something or I've gotten triggered and my
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wife is able to sort of act as a calming or soothing bomb in that
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moment. And when she does that, it
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allows me to sort of then calm down and regulate myself.
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And the more we serve those functions for each other, those
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emotion regulating functions, the better we are able to
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regulate the emotions between the two of us.
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And I know this is certainly true with kids, where, you know,
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one or the other of us can sort of get triggered in a moment
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with our children and the other one can sort of tag and step in
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and take over when one of us needs a break.
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And that's that's a really healthy thing, actually, when
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partners are able to do that and serve as a regulator for each
4:57
other's emotional life. Because what that means is that
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ultimately you are attuned to each other's emotions.
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You're attuned to the inner life of each other and you're able to
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be responsive to that inner life and that shifting of emotions.
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So those are the three primary functions that attachments
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serve. Now, where does attachment
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trauma come into all of this? And attachment trauma comes in,
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in in when we are growing up, we do not have a parent that is
5:30
able to provide these functions for us.
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We don't have a parent that provides a safe haven, meaning a
5:38
strong sense of safety and comfort in the safe in in the
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face of fear. We don't have a patient that's a
5:45
parent that serves as a secure base for us to then go and
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explore the world and return back to.
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And we don't have a parent that helps us regulate our emotions
5:56
as children. And so by necessity, when we
5:59
don't have these things growing up, what that means is that we
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not always, but often will go from having a secure attachment
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style to one of three different insecure styles of attachment.
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And that in and of itself is attachment trauma.
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Knowing that I have either an anxious avoidance attachment
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style, and I'll explain those here in just a moment.
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But when I recognize that about myself, it means I didn't have
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some of those primary functions growing up that that my adult
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figures in my life should have had.
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And when I'm working with couples, it is not uncommon at
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all for one and or both partners to have an insecure attachment
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style in the beginning. And so part of what we work
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towards is how to help each partner create a secure
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attachment for each other to be able to then begin to fulfill
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the safe haven, secure base and emotionally regulating functions
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for one another. Because by necessity, when we do
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those three things then what we do is we create security in the
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relationship. We create an ability for each
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partner to turn to one another in times of stress or need and
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to seek each other out and for their their emotional system,
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their Physiology, to be able to get the benefits of that and
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receive the comfort and the soothing that they need in those
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moments. So attachment trauma often times
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occurs in childhood, and it occurs because the adults in our
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life aren't serving these three functions that I've talked
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about. So we don't have the benefit of
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having a secure attachment. What are those benefits?
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What are the benefits of a secure attachment?
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Well, as I've mentioned, the benefits in part are being able
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to regulate our emotions better. Being able to have a calming,
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soothing voice that we've heard through 1000 interactions from
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our mother or our father so that we can recognize, oh, I'm
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becoming dysregulated. And now I've internalized that
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parental voice and I can calm myself.
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I can almost sense my mother, father, grandparents, whomever
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it might be going, you know, Tom, it's going to be okay.
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It's going to be all right. You can handle this.
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We're going to figure this out together.
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I'm here with you. And so when we internalize that
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type of relationship, it gives us a self soothing function and
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we're better able to regulate our emotions.
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It also means when we have secure attachment that we are
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able to navigate and negotiate the amount of distance we have
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in our intimate relationships versus the amount of closeness
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we have. So when we have a secure
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attachment, we're comfortable with our partner being and
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acting independently at times because we have the faith that
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they're going to come back and reestablish that sense of
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closeness at some point in time. And it also means that we are
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also comfortable with a close intimate relationship with our
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partner. We're not scared by that sense
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of emotional closeness and intimacy, so that's also a
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hallmark of secure attachment. Another one is good self esteem.
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We understand that we are a person that is lovable and that
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deserves to be loved, and that we are not defective in any way
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or undeserving of that love. We are able to take that.
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That's good self esteem and as such we're able to build healthy
9:58
and lasting relationships for ourselves.
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We have trust that other people will be there for us when we
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turn to them in times of need. And then finally, the last one
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of secure attachment is that we are actually able to turn to
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others in times of need. We don't hide our hurt and our
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pain away. We don't.
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We don't seek out other destructive ways of self
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soothing. Rather we are capable of turning
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to other people, certainly our our partner, our spouse, but
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even friends or family or past attachment figures in those
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times of needs. So those are some of the
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benefits of a secure attachment. And and when we receive those
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benefits it it is like a huge breath of of clean oxygen in our
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lungs. Because what it does for us
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every day as we get up and we're able to go out and focus on
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careers, we're able to pour into our children, we're able to give
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to our friends and family because we're not consumed about
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the things that we didn't get or are missing in our own sense of
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self. And so conversely if we have
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attachment trauma that often times we can put that into a
11:19
category and and when we talk about anxious or secure
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attachment, we're just putting these into some identifiable
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buckets that we know have some predictive validity in terms of
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its, its consistent behavior. So anxious attachment people
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tend to act in anxious ways, they tend to oftentimes be
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clingy, need more reassurance, they tend to have lower self
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esteem, they tend to be more a smothering of their partner.
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So when I say secure attachment, recognize that this is just a a
11:57
bucket we're using to explain a cluster of feelings and
12:01
behaviors from somebody. But the overall category is that
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they didn't receive the benefits of secure attachment, so they
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fall into an insecure style of attaching.
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And as you can imagine, a lot of these secure attachment benefits
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that I just mentioned, if we just flip that upside down, it's
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the opposite for insecure attachments.
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We don't regulate our emotions very well.
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For those who have insecure attachments, we become more
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dysregulated. We would get more anxious or we
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cut our emotions off. More likely, we are much more
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hypersensitive to a sense of intimacy.
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We might fear being too close to our partner, It feels smothering
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to us. Or we might fear too much
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distance in our relationship. It feels like it's more of an
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abandonment or rejection in that sense.
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As I said earlier, we have a marked self sense of lower self
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esteem. It's harder for us to be able to
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trust others. In the back of our mind we might
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always be thinking, what does this person want or need?
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And then finally, we often don't seek out the social support.
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Or conversely, we we seek it out too much and too often, and so
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we look as if we are overbearing or anxious or needy with some of
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our friends when our attachment has been triggered in that
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sense. So attachment trauma in the
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basic sense of the word is that we didn't get the benefits of
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having a secure relationship with an attachment figure in our
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childhood. And as such, we do not have
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certain functions built within ourselves that we then bring
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into our adult relationships. The functions of a secure base,
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the functions of a safe haven, and the functions of being able
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to regulate our emotions with other people and through other
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people. And so by necessity, that
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creates a kind of trauma. So when we talk about insecure
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attachment, if you truly do fall into that category, then you
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have by by default suffered some kind of trauma, interpersonal or
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attachment trauma. Now before we go on to an
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attachment injury, I want to specify here that an insecure
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attachment style, it is not a prison sentence.
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You are not defined by what happened to you in the past.
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Research has shown, and I'm so grateful for those researchers
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that have done this, that have been able to show that you are
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not stuck in a prison cell, locked from the inside with your
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particular attachment style. There is hope for you.
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Through hard work you can learn how to feel safe in a
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relationship, and I think that is absolutely paramount to say
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and point out. This isn't a prison sentence.
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This isn't where you are defined by the past, but rather you can
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create a alternative future for you.
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One that includes feeling connected and secure in your
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relationships. One that feels like you can
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trust the security and the safety of that so that you're
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not preoccupied with whether there's going to be a rupture in
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your relationship, whether your partner is going to walk out on
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you or demand more of you than you can possibly give.
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But you can go out into the world and use your gifts you've
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been given and then come back home to the safety and security
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of that relationship. I absolutely believe it.
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I've seen it and and and because of the the, the gifts I've been
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given, I have been able to actually help couples achieve
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that very same thing. So there is a tremendous amount
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of hope when we talk about attachment trauma at the end of
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all this. We know that that the story
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doesn't end with what happened to you, but the story actually
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continues on with what you can create in your life and in your
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relationships. So let's segue here and now
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let's start talking about a particular kind of attachment
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trauma, what we often label as an attachment injury.
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Now, an attachment injury, as I mentioned, is a almost a special
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kind of of trauma that can happen in the relationship.
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So just from a definition standpoint, an attachment injury
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or trauma is a significant abandonment or betrayal of trust
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in a critical moment of need in a relationship.
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And it is a fundamental shift in your view of the partner that
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often results in an impasse in your relationship that that just
17:11
can't be overcome. Oftentimes arguments,
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discussions will come right back to a place where a critical
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moment happened that shifted your view of your partner, where
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you are no longer able to be vulnerable no matter what
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because you can't depend on your partner to be there for you.
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And so that often times I see this show up in in in
17:40
relationships with couples that I'm working with where there was
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a significant moment that one partner really needed the other
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partner and the other partner for whatever reasons was not
17:51
there for them. And so this created a
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fundamental shift. Now if you'll remember the first
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part of this where I talked about the attachment function,
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one of the functions is a secure base.
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It is the ability to rely or depend on our partner in a
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critical moment of fear and our partner shows up for us.
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They are a soothing, calming presence for us in those times
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of need. That's called a secure base and
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and when that doesn't happen in our adult relationships then
18:29
that can create a a trauma or what we call a massive injury or
18:35
rupture in the relationship. So it's the sense of abandonment
18:39
that creates A fundamental shift in your view of your partner
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that then creates an impasse in the relationship that that you
18:48
just can't seem to get past. Now, a lot of couples that come
18:52
in, they don't come in talking about these attachment injuries
18:56
or attachment traumas. They come in and talk about my
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partner doesn't do this and my partner doesn't do that.
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But what we begin to uncover and find out as we sort of peel some
19:06
of the layers of the onion back on, the relationship is, oh,
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there was a moment where you really needed your partner and
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they were not there for you. And a lot of times we'll get a
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lot of head nods. And yes, yes, that's true.
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Absolutely. And then you ask, how did that,
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how did that change your view of your partner?
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And then you'll often hear things like, well, I I realized
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from then on I could never depend on them.
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I can never fully let down my wall.
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I can never fully feel open and vulnerable to my partner again
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because something fundamental in our relationship was broken that
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day. So that isn't a different kind
19:48
of attachment trauma than we've talked about previously in in
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this podcast and video. That I think is really worth
19:56
bearing. Because a lot of times traumas
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can happen as adults in the relationship with our partner
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and they are seen as a little bit different than say
20:05
attachment trauma from from childhood where where you have
20:11
maybe an insecure attachment style that is is wholly
20:15
different than what it looks like in an adult relationship
20:18
with an attachment injury. So an example excuse me of.
20:24
Of an attachment injury in our adult relationship certainly
20:27
could be an affair. These can create huge attachment
20:31
injuries, and I have seen just as many women have affairs as I
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have men. I'm often asked who has more
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affairs. I I couldn't quantify because
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I've never actually kept track of it.
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But it it just from an intuitive standpoint, I'll tell you that
20:47
it feels very equal to me. It really does.
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And and I have seen men react with an attachment trauma
20:55
through that just as much as women react with an attachment
20:59
trauma through an affair. So an affair can be one of these
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things that fundamentally shifts in the relationship.
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We're no longer do you feel like you can depend on your partner
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and often times what I have seen is there are two two ways that
21:16
can help predict whether the couple can recover or not
21:20
recover and that is how the partner responds to the the the
21:26
partner that was cheated on in an emotional affair.
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So for an example, if the partner that had the affair gets
21:35
found out or is revealed, then how they respond to their
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partner now discovering this and and needing to know the truth of
21:45
it can make a huge amount of difference in the way that
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couple moves forward. If they embrace what they've
21:52
done, if they are able to acknowledge it, and if they show
21:57
repentance in the moment, that can be a little bit of a healing
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moment for the partner of the victim, in this particular case,
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the partner that was cheated on. Because what what they can see
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in that moment is that I'm in severe pain.
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Everything has fundamentally shifted in my life in a moment
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and in a way that I that I was not even able to participate.
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And I had no, I was not there for this.
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I had no idea this was happening.
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I'm in shock. I feel traumatized.
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My world feels like it's crumbled.
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But at the very least, what I have is a partner that is
22:35
responding to what I'm feeling in that moment and that I have
22:39
seen is able to create some momentum towards healing.
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Then if the opposite was to happen.
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And what we often see here is where when the truth finally
22:51
comes out, the partner that had the affair gets very defensive,
22:56
says hurtful things, is not sure whether they want to recommit to
23:01
the relationship, so on and so forth.
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And so you have the partner that was cheated on suffer almost a
23:09
double whammy. Not only is this truth I'm
23:11
learning about our relationship being revealed, but now I don't
23:16
even know if if you will be able to respond to my hurt and my
23:20
pain in any way that feels soothing at all.
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Matter of fact, your response is often more hurtful, so it's like
23:27
a double whammy. And so an affair certainly can
23:31
be a type of attachment injury and and the way the couple can
23:36
recover depends on a large part on how the partner responds to
23:41
the discovery of that affair. I've seen the death of a child
23:45
for a couple be an attachment injury, and in this particular
23:49
case it creates attachment injury because you have two
23:52
partners that are grieving very differently.
23:54
You have one partner that might need to grieve in solitude and
23:58
is not able to be emotional there for the other partner that
24:02
needs connection that needs to talk about what's happening
24:05
through through the death of a child.
24:07
So I have certainly seen that create a huge attachment injury
24:12
in in the relationship of a couple and then often times you
24:17
know it, it could be just any kind of pivotal moment it it
24:21
could be any anytime one partner needs to show up for the other
24:28
partner and they are not there, it can create a an attachment
24:33
injury and it creates a moment that we call a never again
24:36
moment for one of the partners, the partner that was in
24:40
desperate need. They they say to themselves and
24:45
I don't think it's necessarily verbal, it's more an emotional
24:48
communication to themselves. But they say never again, never
24:54
again can I depend on this person to be there for me.
24:59
And so as a result, as I mentioned earlier, I can never
25:03
let myself be open and vulnerable with this partner
25:07
again. So I wanted to cover those two
25:10
aspects because I think that's very important there.
25:12
There are attachment traumas that can occur in childhood.
25:16
They're also are attachment injuries and I I use injury
25:19
slash trauma because I think they're both and I can see where
25:23
they both fit into the same bucket in the life of an adult
25:27
couple that can happen as well. So attachment traumas can look
25:32
very differently depending on whether it was in childhood or
25:35
whether it was in adulthood. And so the off the question
25:39
often is asked to me how do you resolve these attachment
25:43
injuries that happen And I will tell you that they're not easy
25:47
that you need to first of all be able to recognize it.
25:51
You need to be able to see that all roads are leading back to
25:56
this critical moment in your relationship that you're just
26:00
unable to get past. And if you can recognize that,
26:03
then that might be an attachment injury for you.
26:06
If you can recognize how that plays out in your relationship.
26:10
Are there times where I pulled away, Where I put up walls?
26:13
Where I stiff arm or resist my partner?
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I don't let them get close to me anymore as I did before, and I
26:21
don't let myself depend on them as I did before then.
26:25
You might be looking at an attachment injury in the
26:27
relationship. You need to be able to work
26:32
through the hurt and the pain in yourself, because ultimately the
26:37
antidote to an attachment injury is to be able to trust your
26:42
partner again and be able to risk enough vulnerability that
26:47
you can reconnect to your partner and recreate the
26:51
security you had in the relationship prior to an
26:55
attachment injury. That is not easy, and I will
26:58
tell you that there's no shame in seeking out help for that.
27:02
Finding a trusted therapist, a clinician that knows how to work
27:09
with couples, that knows about attachment and attachment
27:12
injuries and and is able to explain to you in very clear
27:16
language what that process looks like.
27:19
Because what we're essentially asking both partners to do is to
27:24
become very, very vulnerable with one another and take the
27:28
risk of opening themselves up again in order to reestablish a
27:33
connection with one another. So I hope you like this video
27:37
and this podcast. Be sure and like our YouTube
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you and your partner can work through the five ways trauma
28:01
impacts your relationship. It's in the link below as well.
28:04
Thanks for watching. We'll see you next time.