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Transcript

The Silence of the Jeffs · Very Fine Friends

0:00
so yesterday i was playing pickleball at a public park with some friends all of a sudden we hear a
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like oh they're getting closer and then it's like oh they're all in the parking lot of the park
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there was easily like no less than 12 cop cars in the parking lot of this park that we were at
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and we hear shouting from the cops like get on the ground get on the ground now put your arms out
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like an airplane get on the ground uncanny i know it was quite a like hullabaloo apparently there was
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we we heard from somebody else like it was it was a situation where it was like we weren't that close
1:04
to it um but we weren't that close to it but we were within definitely like the cops were like
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pointing our way and it felt like i bet you there's a lot of cops with guns drawn right now
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pointing in our direction i hope you kept playing uh well after eventually we did yeah joe was there
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as well um yeah eventually we did but at first it was like uh but it was also like we can't just
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leave because the cop cars are all around all of our cars so we can't go anywhere anyway
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some other fellow park goer said that he thought it was like two guys got into a fight and one of
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them had a gun and then someone called the cops but the cops got there super fast i mean there
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was like 15 cop cars and they got there like immediately shout out to tempe police department
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mesa mesa police oh x nay get tempe get your act together tempe police if you're listening and we
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know you are get it together be more like mesa pd i'd like to apologize to the mesa police
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department i didn't know they'll be roughing you up later i'll be putting my arms out like an
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airplane anyway it was um exciting and even when we did finally leave when we thought it like had
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died down enough uh we still had to wait a few minutes before they were like letting people exit
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the park so what if it was for you guys and they actually had reserved the pickleball court and
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they just came to intimidate you and so they they drove us off the court yeah but you were like
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respecting them so they they found someone else to pin it on that's possible in fact that's
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probable yeah i bet you that's exactly what happened i mean obviously everyone knows that
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cops especially in mesa love pickleball that's true definitely the firemen do we've seen firemen
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out there before oh really but then so then not hot ones to clarify no not hot ones really
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disappointing that goes against my expectations i know i don't know how they ever got hired
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Then today, a friend of ours that was also there looked it up.
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I guess there's some kind of a crime map that you can look things up at.
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Anyway, apparently it was assaults with a deadly weapon
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because it was assault with a vehicle and a stick.
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That's how it was described.
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So I don't know which one of those was the deadly weapon, but one of them was.
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I can think of a few ways a stick can be more dangerous than a vehicle.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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we're not going to talk we're not no well i'm thinking of some right now
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yeah i'm thinking i'm zooming them out you telepathically oh oh you're right francis
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that is more dangerous that information
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anyway so that was that was my night that was that's harrowing anytime the police show up
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and there were so many of them i can't like i can't state like two per car i i don't know how
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many i mean i'm just i the the number of cars was at least 15 squad cars well they should all be
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carpooling i'm assuming there's two per car isn't that usually how it goes too i mean you don't be
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bored all day you need a friend in the car yeah that's true that's usually how the cops do things
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oh i wonder if the one that's not driving ever sits in the back and pretends to be a prisoner
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Oh no.
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No, he's the audio man.
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The person who's not driving picks the music.
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Oh, yes.
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The police have very strict rules about that.
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Yeah.
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Welcome to Very Fine Friends, a podcast where friends talk about stuff.
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How are you, Francis?
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Me?
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Yeah, you.
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I'm walking on a cloud.
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Oh, well, be careful.
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I know.
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Those are not dense enough.
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I'm back.
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Oh, okay.
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Oh, thank God.
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And you're good?
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I am good.
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Yes, I am doing well.
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Thank you.
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Which is weird.
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I hope, I don't know if the listeners can hear this.
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There are now many, many sirens in the background right now.
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Mesa PD's coming to get you for thinking it was Tempe PD.
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I'm ready.
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I'm done being alive.
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I don't know.
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I assume they're just going to kill me.
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Suicide by cop?
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Yeah.
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I'll just quickly take out two finger guns.
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Well, that'll probably work.
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Jumpy crowd, aren't they?
5:34
Quick interruption.
5:35
Every week on the podcast, we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word.
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Throughout the course of the podcast, we need to find a way to slip the secret word into our conversation without the other person noticing.
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If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
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and right before we die we add up all the points and then we get a prize whoever has the most points
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for guessing the most secret words here's joe with today's secret words jenna's secret word is
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procrastination jenna's decoy word is synapses francis's secret word is purification francis's
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decoy word is cancellations back to the podcast uh well let's get into our first segment which is
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as always the invention of the week
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inventions
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what do you got for me francis okay i'll tell you thank you okay i'm gonna give you a choice
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Oh.
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Do you want an invention that has to do with old people?
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Or do you want an invention that has to do with friends?
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Like getting rid of old people?
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No hints.
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Okay.
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I'm going to go.
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Well, we'll hear them both eventually, right?
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Maybe.
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I'm going to go with the old people one.
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Okay.
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You're going to love this.
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Good.
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You know how we worry about the elderly?
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I do know that.
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you know how there's,
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I almost said,
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I think you can dance.
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Um,
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what's that thing?
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Life alert.
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You know,
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there's a life alert,
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by the way,
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sidebar.
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Every time that commercial comes on,
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my dad does it.
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He does the voice.
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What is the voice?
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He's always just like,
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I've fallen.
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Oh,
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that one.
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Yeah.
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I can't get up.
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Yeah.
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So he's familiar with it.
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Um,
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I was thinking the other day,
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that's one way to do it.
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Sure.
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I have a substitute.
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the substitute is a a hook
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okay
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hold on now right now i'm i'm i'm going with the assumption that it's a shepherd's crook that
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they like like the kind they use to pull vaudeville performers off the stage just
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dragging old people around that could no that's not it oh but i like it thank you um this is more
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of a hooks onto them.
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Like a meat hook? Yeah.
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Technically it is.
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Anyway, there is a system
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of tracks in the
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house that just, that goes
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I knew it.
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You love a good system
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of tracks.
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This is totally new and fresh.
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I might even say
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proprietary.
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Let me tell you how it's proprietary. You're going to love this.
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This is proprietary because
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you know how when you like you're thinking oh if you have to turn the tracks have to be on right
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angles and like oh that's a lot of right angles no i just invented something proprietary to fix
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that it's like it's like a shape like a spade at the where things converge and so when they walk
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the the thing just goes with them wherever direction they go and it goes into the next track
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okay anyway so if if they fall it actually will hold them up
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um so this is all to prevent people from falling period so you're you're saying let's get in before
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the fall happens i'm well i'm saying you know if we'll catch you like with life alert sorry to say
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their main their main disadvantage is the old person falls does it this is real ounce of
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prevention is worth a pound of cure kind of invention yeah does it move the people won't
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move the old people for them like is it just kind of like oh you want our advanced system
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or the advanced package yeah yeah time for you to go to the kitchen yeah you could there could
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be a remote it could be like the thing for the stairs but not for stairs and you could push where
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you want to go this is morbid but my thought right now is i'm picturing they're dead they're
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dead and hanging or like just moving between room room to room dead oh wow that's interesting
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thank you i don't know if that's a negative yeah like when we like it if grandma could
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move one more time well but what if it's like the neighbors are like i haven't seen geraldine in a
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long time but i've heard her moving in there so i see her in the curtains she's fine like like at
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home alone when he has the party he's got like fake having a lot of guests there yeah um don't
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you think this is nice and they could they could wear a jumper that's connected to it as well
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everyone loves a jumper this could be really fun for recreational use too for non-olds
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true this does have mass widespread appeal yeah i think
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i think um people would just be riding this all the time you'd have kids wanting to do this
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oh that's good because you could as a parent you could lock them in one position i gotta run out
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to the car real quick beep you're not moving you're just hanging there yeah okay
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how do they get in and out of this contract you said as a hook yeah all right so they're hanging
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from this hook yeah they just got to put a belt on to connect to the hook or they could wear a
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jumper that has a hook receptacle on it let's say they fall and then they're just like oh no
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that was a good imitation yeah how do they grandma how do they get off the hook the system
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alerts next of kin so like a life alert system uh no okay it's similar to the inspiration for
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that but totally different in the sense that um they don't have to fall first so basically
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the loved one is just being alerted that they're stuck in a really funny way rather than that
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they've been that they've fallen well think about it if they if they fall if they almost
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fall and then my amazing system stops that they could just they didn't fall so they can like get
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their footing again oh okay um or they can just like pull themselves up a little bit from the cable That requiring probably a lot of upper body strength for these old people
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It takes a lot to, like, pull your own body weight up.
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The system comes with two five-pound dumbbells.
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So help you work out when you're not.
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Yeah, help me help you.
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You know?
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so to recap it's a tracked system around your house that you hang from
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so that you don't fall on the ground great yeah but if you fall enough that you're now stuck
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hanging from this hook there's a button that you press that alerts somebody that you need help
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yeah if you can't do it on your own okay it also comes with a megaphone
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and two five dumbbells yeah we're prepared we're kicking life alert right out of business
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and a jumper yeah everyone the jumper is an upgrade but everyone's gonna want it because
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you can only get it from us wait do you mean jumper like
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like a like a body like a okay not like jumper like the way the british say sweater
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like a cute sweater no i don't um it's like what you said before but it also has um
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uh poop and p-flaps okay well so it's like a a big onesie for like like a baby's onesie
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yeah that's it that's yeah uh does this invention have a name i'm open to suggestions i think i
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want to do something with hips because we're saving the hips because you know when people
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fall they will they could potentially break their hips and hip also means cool so i was thinking like
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your hips but yours and possessive uh your hips don't life alert oh no my hips don't lie
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flirt
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hips do fly
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hips don't fly
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hips
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no no chip
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no chip hips
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you're up
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hip to be
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there
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hip to be square
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hip to be there
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um
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hip to be hoisted up in the air what about just something let's just go simple got your back
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got your back like i got your back and also you're never gonna be able to get off this thing
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so your back belongs no you're no i'm sorry we need to clear this up right now
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you could if let's make a picture oh god oh oh oh oh my goodness like it pulled
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because it detected a fall.
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And then obviously there's a motor somewhere,
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and because it pulled, it pulls you up more so you can stand,
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and then it goes back to its normal position.
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Using your proprietary technology.
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Yes, yes, patented.
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Okay, wow, good job on getting that patent.
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Hip baby.
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Hip baby?
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That sounds like hip baby.
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hit me baby one more time
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personal space
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because it's kind of like you're in space
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you're floating around in space but it's just yours
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it's your personal space
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I don't know about that one
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I'm also kind of picturing this like old people
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like at a dry cleaners
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where they just are like revolving
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you go to visit at the home
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and it's literally like which one's yours?
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do you have a ticket?
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i'm sorry we can't release your grandma without the ticket yeah so would you love it would i love
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it that's a weird way to ask that um you'd write it i would write it for sure and again
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another one in the i definitely want to see people using it category
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old people if you're listening don't die before this comes out okay cancel your subscriptions
16:59
to what?
17:01
That which shall not be named for legal purposes.
17:05
You mean the thing you've already named?
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I don't know.
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It rhymes with
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Schmeif-a-Bert.
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You're giving it away.
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I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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Don't take legal action against me, Schmeif-a-Bert.
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It's a winner. I know.
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Yep.
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this is going to be in
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in every home
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I'm sure of it
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yeah it'll actually be a selling feature
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yeah it won't get in the way of any loose tubes
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will it?
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no the tubes come from the corner
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the track runs in the middle
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actually you could get a deal if you get them both
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oh good if you packaged
17:45
old people are very thirsty
17:46
act now old people
17:48
go to
17:50
veryfinefriends.com
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and you'll find
17:55
all the information you need to buy this complete set.
17:59
Yes.
17:59
And if anyone calls you out of the blue,
18:01
please feel free to give them your credit card information.
18:05
Yes, that's just probably one of our representatives
18:07
making sure you don't miss out on this great, great offer.
18:11
Yes.
18:12
You have to act now.
18:14
Or they could be gone.
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Oh, we've only got three left.
18:16
Oh, and then if you act now,
18:18
we'll throw in this commemorative coin of dick van dyke oh richard yep he uh he's kind of like
18:31
your king right old people no i think it would be more like i'm thinking about my dad always talks
18:41
about like i don't know like who's old dick van dyke okay you win i can't think of anyone else
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you can't think of one single other old people but i'm sure you're out there and if you are buy
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our thing buy our hip or hippie hippie hippie up uh you're looking a little hippie
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not our girl
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as always thank you for considering
19:10
and as always thank you for inventing something
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that I want to see people using
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there's a lot of comedic effect to a lot of your inventions
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and I appreciate that
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of course comedic and practical
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well of course I mean that goes without saying
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that wraps up
19:29
the invention of the week
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oh my gosh i just got an alert our website crashed oh my god with all the people that are going to
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to buy a got your back hippie hips don't we told them to go fast it's not it's not our fault we did
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warn them uh this is the don't go too fast old people you might trip before you get this yeah
19:54
and then you'll be face down on the nullium and then how will anyone
19:58
how will anyone find you?
20:02
They won't.
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Your cats will eat your face.
20:05
On the other hand,
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I don't want you to go fast,
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but I also don't recommend procrastination.
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So go quickly.
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No.
20:11
Why don't you have your phone?
20:13
Yeah, you idiots.
20:13
It should be in your pocket.
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What are you doing?
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Get that giant button phone of yours out
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and call now.
20:20
Yes.
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God.
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Do we have to do everything for you?
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I mean, we will.
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but we'd like to not have to god well now i'm angry yeah you know what if there's any cancellations
20:35
we'll call you and let you know we're back in stock yeah we don't you don't deserve our product
20:40
just kidding that was all a big joke
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we love you old people yeah squishy old people um squishy hippie yeah you're squishy you're hippie
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him we love you oh no all right well that wraps up the invention of the week all right well i think
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it is time for our next segment you got the goods kid
21:08
kid you've got the goods
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i don't know why i thought you were gonna say you got mail
21:21
you knew what the name of the segment was
21:25
I know I'm stupid
21:25
that's okay
21:28
I'm not going to reassure you
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thank you
21:31
alright
21:34
in this segment our producer
21:37
Joe is going to give me a product
21:39
to sell
21:40
and I will have to try and sell
21:43
Francis on this product
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and I'm not in the mood to buy
21:45
I know old people made us angry
21:48
I'm not in the mood to sell quite frankly
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Let's just get this over with.
21:52
All right.
21:53
All right, Jenna, you are selling Avon moisturizer.
21:57
Oh, well, that sells itself.
21:59
To Francis, who will be the leader of a local group of safari hunters in the Savannah desert.
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My dream.
22:14
I know.
22:15
thank you um mr reginald von fleet thank you so much for taking the time to um
22:26
to meet with me today excuse me i can't believe i get to actually meet you in person
22:32
i promised my dying wife i'd make time for one salesperson today and i hate salespeople
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oh oh well i appreciate that you picked me and i promise i will all change your mind about
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salespeople. You're gonna like me by the end of this,
22:44
I swear.
22:46
Well, you better make it snappy because I have a
22:48
rhinoceros to kill.
22:50
Oh, I
22:51
can't wait.
22:54
So,
22:54
before you go out on
22:57
safari,
22:59
do you ever think to yourself,
23:01
man, I'm dry.
23:03
Dry on safari?
23:05
I mean,
23:06
it's in a desert.
23:09
No, the African sun
23:11
is the wettest sun on earth.
23:15
How many times has this happened to you?
23:18
Go on.
23:19
You've got your elephant gun.
23:22
You're in your britches,
23:24
the big khaki britches
23:25
with the little tent things on the side.
23:27
Yes, they're called tent bridge.
23:30
Yes, tent bridge, yes.
23:31
You get them from Kohl's.
23:36
Kohl's is such a great store.
23:38
It has such a wide variety of products.
23:40
It's the best.
23:41
What they don't have, though, is something that I can sell you that will help when you're in this scenario.
23:48
Do you ever walk around with your safari buddies and you're hunting and you think to yourself, I'm going to get me a croc today?
23:57
Yes, yes. Every Tuesday is croc day.
23:59
Yes. And you, oh, out there in the distance, you spot one.
24:05
Yes, yes.
24:06
Oh, it's just sitting there. It's ready for you.
24:09
Oh, it wants to be killed.
24:10
So you take out your gun.
24:13
Your aim is as pure as your heart.
24:16
You fire.
24:18
And then all of a sudden you hear,
24:21
Ah!
24:24
Oh no.
24:26
You've accidentally shot Jeff.
24:30
It wasn't a crocodile after all.
24:32
It was Jeff with his dry, dry skin.
24:35
His scaly, scaly skin.
24:38
Oh, if only he had been moisturized, you wouldn't have mistaken him for a crocodile.
24:43
And you'd still have your friend Jeff to this day.
24:47
How many times has that happened to you?
24:49
So far, none.
24:51
But Jeff signed a DNR.
24:54
Jeff wants to die.
24:56
That's not what a DNR is.
25:03
So your game is, I need this moisturizer?
25:07
So that I don't mistake someone for a crocodile?
25:11
That one of the things that it useful for Let me look at this picture of my wife for a moment Susie Look at Susie
25:23
Look at how...
25:24
Don't talk about Susie.
25:26
All right.
25:27
I'm willing to give you one more chance.
25:28
Okay.
25:29
Is there anything special about this?
25:32
Moisturize your...
25:34
Yes.
25:34
How many times have you been maybe a few whiskeys in?
25:42
You're at the club.
25:43
Yes, yes.
25:44
And you see a fair young maiden across the bar.
25:47
Very maiden.
25:48
Yes.
25:49
And you think to yourself, my, I think I'd like to make my acquaintance with that fair young maiden.
25:57
And so you go over and you approach.
26:01
And she giggles.
26:03
As maidens do.
26:04
Oh, sir.
26:07
Why, you look so strong.
26:13
How was your safari today?
26:16
Oh, this is hot.
26:18
Go on.
26:19
Why, I would like to feel your hands upon mine supple face.
26:26
My hands?
26:27
On your face?
26:28
Yes, yes.
26:28
Let's do it now.
26:29
oh no my face no you ruined my face with your rough rough hands no one will love me now i'm
26:42
disfigured i wanted to cheat and so once again you're left with susie because the poor maiden
26:51
you've ruined her visage with your rough rough hands how many times has that happened to you
27:00
twice i really love to cheat and my wife doesn't let me touch her face with this moisturizer
27:09
the ladies will practically throw their faces onto your hand sounds like a slap of sorts
27:18
in a way it's a reverse slap that's the face hitting the hand okay well it sounds which is
27:27
way sexier than the other way around no i wouldn't i would never want to be caught doing that yeah
27:31
so as you can see it has moisturizer more ladies more jeff more ladies
27:41
hmm hmm let me think about this alone hmm hmm hmm uh did you introduce yourself i'd like to call
27:49
you by your first name uh oh no i'm sorry salesman 101 i i missed it don't let this
27:56
besmirch the name of other salesmen though uh my name is doug doug the salesman wimper schmidt
28:02
Doug Wimper Schmidt
28:05
Okay
28:07
Hmm
28:08
I was liking the product a second
28:10
Wimper Schmidt?
28:12
Yes
28:13
I think you changed that, you know
28:14
What? That's the name of my father
28:16
I'm a proud Wimper Schmidt
28:18
Well, you can pretend to be French
28:20
You can be
28:21
Wimpyash
28:23
Never mind, I've never been to France
28:25
It sounds okay, I'll admit
28:28
You've really come around
28:31
I was going to throw you out on your face.
28:33
I need a product that has more than just one or two uses.
28:37
Tell me about its benefits, its cost.
28:40
Does it have purification properties?
28:43
Yes, it does.
28:45
When you are, as it says in the Bible,
28:49
when your skin is moist, your soul is pure.
28:58
That's Leviticus.
28:59
1291 yes yes i know it well yes my bedtime verse it's purifying for your soul to be moist also
29:10
have you ever wanted to drive in the carpool lane and you're alone in the car yes every day uh there's
29:18
a carpool lane runs all the way through africa and i can never use it oh well the good news is
29:25
as you can see from the bottle.
29:28
Oh, big. It's a big bottle.
29:29
It's a big bottle that's shaped like a human man.
29:34
Fully to scale.
29:36
Wow. Kind of looks like me.
29:39
That was no accident, sir. You're quite a handsome fellow.
29:42
Doug.
29:43
Reginald. May I call you Reginald?
29:45
You may.
29:47
Thank you.
29:48
We designed it after you
29:50
because there's nothing prouder
29:53
and moister
29:55
than a Reginald von Fleet.
30:00
You've won me over, Doug,
30:02
Wimper Schmidt.
30:03
Against my better judgment,
30:05
we really should thank my wife for this.
30:07
Susie?
30:08
Yeah.
30:08
Is she here?
30:09
Yeah, she's here.
30:10
Can I thank her?
30:11
One minute.
30:15
Reggie, who's at the door?
30:18
A very moist man, my love.
30:19
Oh, do you think
30:21
he'll put his hands upon me?
30:23
my face.
30:25
Doug, you need to leave.
30:26
Only I can cheat in this house.
30:28
No.
30:32
Well, I think I made the sale.
30:33
Oh, you made the sale.
30:35
No more dead friends
30:36
and unlimited
30:38
women's faces upon my hand.
30:41
Bless you, Doug.
30:43
And don't forget, you have to get in places faster
30:45
because of that carpool lane.
30:46
Oh, that's right.
30:48
God bless you.
30:49
Thank you.
30:50
Now, have I changed your mind?
30:53
Yes.
30:53
Squirt me, buddy.
30:59
Wow.
31:00
It burns!
31:01
Douglas!
31:03
Oh.
31:03
Oh, no!
31:04
Oh, I'm ugly.
31:06
Oh, I'm disfigured.
31:07
Ha ha ha ha!
31:09
You shot my father on a safari once.
31:12
Whippersmith!
31:13
I knew it!
31:14
Ha ha ha!
31:15
My revenge is complete.
31:18
Come on, Susie.
31:19
No.
31:19
I'm going with the man who took revenge on you.
31:22
I'll kill you, bitch.
31:23
Feel my hand upon your face.
31:27
I'm a cook.
31:30
Wow, I feel like we know exactly how to sell moisturizer.
31:36
That makes me want to pet an elephant.
31:38
Oh, okay.
31:38
Should we go to the zoo after this?
31:39
Do they have one?
31:41
An elephant?
31:42
Yeah, they got elephants.
31:43
Do they let you pet them?
31:46
If they don't, they'll start today.
31:49
Yeah, we'll just threaten to leave.
31:50
uh we'll sneak in oh that works we'll dress we'll dress up we'll dress up like an elephant
31:58
what if they put us in there well that's the idea they put us in there and then they're like well
32:03
time to go look at the bears now only elephants in there and then we get out of our elephant costume
32:09
and then they come back and we're just petting away with our new moisturizer yeah we know they
32:14
don't take care of you we'll do it they come back and they don't even recognize the elephants they're
32:19
so moist they look like big embryos ew i hope not that's creepy my bad
32:28
um all right well i think that was a very successful segment you sold me you got the goods kid
32:41
now it's time for our final segment
32:52
the big question the question is very big
33:00
francis i hope you have a big question for me i do have a big question good
33:05
uh okay my big my big question is let's say you're in uh king times okay okay and you are a
33:21
you're like an advisor to the king or you're like somehow in the king's orbit all right but you're
33:27
power hungry yeah yeah you want power yeah how would you overthrow the king and become the king
33:36
hmm okay so if you overthrow the king it's got to be like a lineage situation and like that's how
33:45
kings normally are created right like it's like oh whoever's related to the last king they get to
33:50
be the next king so i'm assuming i'm not related no you're not related okay so then this needs to
33:55
be a coup by the people the people need to then install me as king okay i would
34:06
start by first of all flattering the king big time getting making sure that he and i are best
34:19
friends um i'm a yes man but like i'm a yes man in the good way where every now and then i throw
34:25
in a no so he feels like this is the one that i could trust like you're okay this person's really
34:29
helping me yeah um then alternately i would go to the people and i would create some kind of a
34:40
problem that would sow dissent among the peasants let's see what kind of a problem would i want to
34:47
create.
34:49
People love food.
34:51
They do love food.
34:53
And they hate fleas.
34:55
And they hate fleas.
34:57
That's just two ideas.
34:59
Thank you.
35:02
Food fleas.
35:06
I would say,
35:07
okay, I would tell people that
35:09
the
35:11
king is trying to
35:13
that, did you hear what he's
35:15
trying to do? He's trying to
35:17
take over a little bit of everybody's land by uh he's going to come in and he's going to take a
35:24
stake of everybody's land uh even if you just have a little hovel a corner of it will be his
35:30
and uh he will come through every day and he will be standing in a corner of your hovel
35:38
and you can't do anything about it because he's the king he's the king and he's just taking it
35:43
it's like an eminent domain situation this will be like people will be like what okay
35:49
fine i guess what are we gonna do he's the king i guess all this land technically belongs to him
35:55
or you know so he says it's all his land so then okay fine they're they're all right with that
36:01
i tell the king hey the people are disappointed they're not getting enough face time with you i
36:08
think to help really sell yourself as a benevolent leader you need to go onto their land get like pay
36:18
a little personal visit to everybody and he's kind of insecure but he trusts you he trusts me yeah and
36:23
he is a bit he is he's worried that he he wants to be seen as a man of the people like he wants
36:29
to be one of those like cool kings that like like the that is beloved he's beloved he like cries at
36:35
night imagining that world yes cries with tears of joy yeah um so so that he's like okay yeah
36:44
that's a good idea like it's a little like outreach program he doesn't know that the peasants think
36:51
that he's taking things from them he thinks this is what they want that he's just going there and
36:57
he's giving them all a little face time you know like make them feel important so they do this for
37:02
a while the peasants again they're a little annoyed by it but they're fine with it because
37:07
it's like well it's his land what are we gonna do after a while i tell the king
37:17
they're getting a little too the face time is becoming a little too common now
37:22
what they really want
37:26
is close-up magic
37:30
They want to be entertained.
37:34
Yeah.
37:35
Right?
37:35
So I recommend close-up magic.
37:39
And the king is like, whoa, what were you a jester in another life?
37:43
Hello, this is a great idea.
37:45
Because then they love me even more because I bringing them joy in the middle of their farming slash play game But it looks like he just rubbing it in Well then here the thing So I go to the people
37:59
Before he starts his little magic campaign,
38:02
I tell the people,
38:03
I'm a little worried the king is possessed.
38:08
Oh.
38:10
And I'm worried.
38:12
I was like that he, something is going on.
38:16
There might be something dark in him.
38:19
and then just like,
38:21
and if that's the case,
38:22
then he's no longer the king,
38:25
right?
38:26
Right.
38:26
Because something's possessed him.
38:28
He's no longer himself.
38:29
And it's not coming from you.
38:30
No, that's just law.
38:32
That is just law.
38:33
If you're possessed,
38:33
that's not you anymore.
38:34
Yeah, that's implied
38:35
in every civilization ever.
38:38
Yes.
38:38
I mean,
38:39
and that's why demons possess people.
38:41
To be king.
38:42
Well, and just to be,
38:43
you know, to take over.
38:44
Right.
38:45
What else is there to do?
38:46
They're not like possessing you
38:47
and then just sitting quietly back
38:48
and just like watching and observing.
38:50
No, they want to do stuff.
38:51
They want to do stuff.
38:51
They want to take over.
38:52
Right.
38:53
So everybody knows this.
38:55
Right.
38:55
And it's like, but you can't confront him on it
38:58
because that's like law of demonology.
39:00
Like you need to be a special clergy to interfere.
39:04
So it's like, I'm a little worried about this.
39:06
Just let me know if you see any signs.
39:09
Right.
39:10
So the king's making his rounds every day
39:13
and then he starts pulling a coin
39:17
from behind a little boy's ear and everyone's freaked out or you know like uh oh no oh he's
39:26
oh look he's just pulling the handkerchief after handkerchief out of his sleeve where are they all
39:32
coming from how come it's an endless supply of handkerchiefs eventually the villagers are so
39:39
freaked out the king is it he's back i tell him take a night off he's back in his room
39:46
imagining how much they must love him crying oh yeah he's crying right he's loving it he's like
39:54
you're gonna be the god in history is the most amazing king ever they're gonna write sonnets
40:00
about you and make a statue out of you meanwhile i've i've gone to the villagers and i've said
40:08
like hey how's it going how how's how is everybody doing let's just have a little town hall and rap
40:13
with each other, you know?
40:14
This is just a catch-up, just to see how everyone's doing.
40:17
And then now they're like,
40:19
oh my God, you were right.
40:21
Something is going on.
40:23
Look at this,
40:24
look at this quarter he pulled from my son's ear.
40:27
Ah!
40:30
Okay?
40:31
And then I'm like, oh my God,
40:33
he's no longer himself anymore.
40:35
I can't believe it.
40:37
I,
40:38
we're gonna have to do something immediately.
40:41
Quick, come with me.
40:43
Then we all storm the castle.
40:46
We sadly have to kill the king.
40:48
It had to be done.
40:49
It had to be done.
40:50
That's the only good way.
40:51
You could have had Black Plague for all we know.
40:53
Yeah.
40:55
Demon Plague.
40:55
I know.
40:56
Demon Plague.
40:57
So then they kill the king.
40:59
And then I'm like, you guys, that was so, you did such a good job.
41:04
Oh, man, but we don't have a king now.
41:06
I'm just going to put this king's robe on so it doesn't touch the floor.
41:09
and and and then they're gonna be looking at me like kind of funny and they're like
41:13
purple looks pretty good on you
41:15
and you handled that with aplomb and i could see it like i could see it start like you i'm looking
41:26
in their eyes and i don't want to push anything no no this is delicate but i can see the synapses
41:29
in their in their brain are firing and then you pick up the scepter and then and then i'm like oh
41:37
shoot this was on the ground oh no here and then and then i'm holding it and then um and then i i
41:42
trip on the robe and then i as i fall my head lands directly on the crown and then i stand back
41:50
up and then suddenly i'm holding and they're like and then the people are all like you just gave me
41:55
a really good idea for who could be king and you're still like huh oh who is it i can't wait
42:00
to find out what you mean booze and then they go you and i go no and then i feign humility for a
42:08
little bit i can't i'm a servant no no no i'm here to serve you the people and then they're like see
42:14
just because you don't want it that means you should have it and then i finally after some
42:20
prodding i go all right if you want and then and somewhere far in the back it's my king yep
42:28
and then they all chant my name which is jenna
42:34
king jenna love it yeah and yeah i think that would work actually thank you people love to be
42:44
deceived and except for the king dying at the end it's mostly non-violent well he was gonna die
42:49
anyway and kings do die by violence it's kind of their lot in life yeah maybe you don't do magic
42:55
yeah yeah yeah don't do magic kings kings if you're listening and we know you are
43:01
word of warning don't do magic it'll freak out your subjects and your purple coat will go to
43:08
someone else yep it doesn't matter how good you look in purple someone else looks good in purple
43:13
too yeah anyway so that's how i do it thank you that's brilliant thanks is it cool if i take that
43:20
idea if it ever comes up sure thanks and then i'll just do it again to you if i ever want to be king
43:27
okay i'll forget all about it though that's the beauty of this plan is that it uh immediately your
43:33
your memory slate is wiped clean once you take control of the throne oh yeah you forget how you
43:39
does that yeah yeah did you have a way of doing it um that's better than mine i didn't really have
43:46
everything solid i was just gonna maybe i just need to really reflect because i was just gonna
43:52
sleep with the king and then he just give it to you well if if we marry and then he dies
44:01
i'm the king i think that makes you the queen
44:04
um no because in this medieval society people love gay kings
44:15
oh yeah it's a sign of it's an enlightened medieval society yeah they're like wow okay
44:24
so i would probably i'd fright feed him a bunch of stimulants and then
44:28
you know and then he would his heart would pop and then of course i'd be like oh no my king
44:37
my king but i've got the ring well there's a king ring yeah the king
44:45
puts it on you.
44:47
Oh,
44:48
oh,
44:48
you're reading like your wedding.
44:49
Yeah,
44:49
like here,
44:49
don't worry,
44:50
this is all legit.
44:51
And then I throw his body
44:52
over the balcony
44:53
so the people could mourn
44:55
his now shattered corpse.
45:00
And that's it.
45:01
Okay.
45:02
Here,
45:03
mourn him.
45:04
Get the shit out of my room.
45:08
I think both of our plans
45:09
would work.
45:09
I look forward to...
45:12
We'll do it in competing villages
45:13
and we'll see.
45:15
Okay.
45:16
How it goes.
45:16
I like that.
45:17
Yeah.
45:18
Yeah.
45:19
We'll see if our villages are friends.
45:21
We'll make them friends.
45:22
Also, once again, lots of sirens in the background.
45:25
I don't know what is going on.
45:27
We could be in a coma.
45:28
And this could be a dream.
45:30
Oh, interesting.
45:32
Me too.
45:33
That would be a fun little coma.
45:34
Yeah.
45:34
Oh, God.
45:36
I hope I'm in a coma forever with you guys.
45:39
Aw.
45:40
Thank you.
45:42
What if you are and I don't exist?
45:44
You just made me up.
45:44
Oh, then I really don't want to wake up.
45:47
Aw.
45:47
What fresh hell would my life be?
45:50
That's really sweet.
45:51
This is all true.
45:54
Listeners, if you're in a coma, and we know you are, don't wake up.
45:58
Just don't do it.
45:59
Stay asleep.
45:59
What's so good about being awake?
46:01
Nothing.
46:03
Why am I fat in my coma?
46:06
You're not.
46:07
Oh, maybe it's so that I keep believing it's a coma, so I don't question it.
46:10
It's like a touchstone, like a touchpoint or whatever?
46:12
Yeah, it's like this is a fact he identifies with.
46:14
well listeners if you have a different way of how you overthrow the king let us know you can either
46:21
go to our website very fine friends.com or follow us across all social media at very fine friends
46:29
that wraps up the big question the big question wow time for one more thing the big thing the fun
46:40
thing so our secret words now listeners something that we did not clarify we've added a new wrinkle
46:47
to the secret words we now also have decoy words so if one of so we have a fake we have the real
46:56
secret word and we have a fake secret word if we can get the person to guess our fake secret word
47:03
we get a point we get point i think we'll get two points for that too because right now as it stands
47:09
if you guess somebody's secret word you get two points for that oh because it it should count more
47:16
yeah yeah because you still get a point for saying it yeah i know that we had some confusion about the
47:20
scoring system on the last one yeah if you say your secret word no matter what you get a point
47:24
but if your secret word gets guessed the guesser gets two points to help cancel that out yeah
47:29
makes sense um so also if you get someone to guess your secret word or you're not your decoy word
47:35
you get two points okay so do you have guesses i know i saw you writing things down i have one
47:42
guess for what your word is okay okay was your secret word hullabaloo it was not i saw you write
47:47
that down was that your decoy word nope thank god thank god was uh did you say town hall
47:55
i did that's not your word though nope okay when did you say it uh i said it in the invention
48:03
invention of the week.
48:05
Well,
48:06
all right.
48:06
Didn't get it,
48:07
but I might get some points here.
48:10
Yeah,
48:10
you might still.
48:12
Um,
48:13
my secret word was procrastination.
48:19
Good one.
48:20
Yeah.
48:20
I said that the old people,
48:22
they shouldn't go too fast,
48:23
but I don't encourage procrastination either.
48:27
That worked out really well.
48:28
Yeah.
48:28
And I'm not mad at myself.
48:30
Do you want to know what my decoy word was?
48:31
Yeah.
48:33
Synapses.
48:33
oh i'm glad i didn't say that i thought you i i really tried to like put it in an awkward context
48:39
but it worked though i said the villagers i was a little too good with it yeah you also you were
48:44
like oh i see there's synapses uh like you paused which made it like stand out synapses um fiery
48:51
to help highlight it didn't work though you want to know my secret word or maybe oh well we haven't
48:56
I have to guess.
48:58
I almost gave the cow away.
49:00
Is your secret word embryos?
49:06
No, but I knew you were going to guess that.
49:08
Is your secret word linoleum?
49:11
No.
49:12
Old people do have linoleum.
49:13
I know they do, but you had a weird look on your face when you said it.
49:16
I think maybe because you slightly mispronounced it.
49:18
Yeah, I tripped on that one.
49:20
Yeah, but.
49:22
Which the old people won't be doing with their hippie.
49:25
That's right.
49:27
Thanks, Suze.
49:29
Anytime, Reggie.
49:30
Anytime, Reggie.
49:33
Do you have another one?
49:36
I wrote down one more.
49:38
Let's hear it.
49:39
Stimulants.
49:40
No.
49:40
Okay.
49:41
Darn, I really thought you were going to say my decoy word.
49:43
Oh.
49:43
So my decoy word was cancellations.
49:47
Oh.
49:48
Okay, you said that in Invention of the Week.
49:50
I did.
49:50
And then my real word was purification.
49:54
Oh.
49:55
Okay.
49:56
because of the moisturizer yeah no i just took that in stride
50:02
well another week of this very impressive secret word game we play yep we are very impressive
50:12
that's it that's another episode thanks for listening bye
50:26
you