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Chris Lee on Turning Your Biggest Breakdowns Into Breakthroughs · Harder Than Life

0:00
Imagine a life where nothing triggers you.
0:02
Person on traffic, cut me off, flip me the bird.
0:04
Peace.
0:06
You walked in, just the whole place lit up.
0:08
What's your secret?
0:10
Gratitude.
0:11
Why am I so free and joyful?
0:13
Because I forgive myself daily, because I mess up daily.
0:16
I'm not perfect.
0:17
And when I wake up, I literally go, wow, I made it.
0:21
Thank you for a new day.
0:24
Everyone's chasing more, but we're not doing enough on being.
0:29
We're chasing net worth, but we're not developing our self-worth.
0:32
So self-worth to me is the energy of being.
0:37
Any person that's mediocre, that's not committed to growth mindset, is a cancer in your life.
0:44
Some people are punishing themselves for things that happened so long ago, like let it go.
0:48
Love is a choice.
0:49
Power is a choice.
0:50
And when you choose it over time, it becomes a habit.
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Once it becomes a habit, it becomes destiny.
0:56
Abundance is a way of being.
0:58
And the key to abundance is gratitude.
1:01
When you focus on all the things that you get to be grateful for, you'll realize that any single one of them is priceless.
1:09
So you are priceless.
1:11
Chris Lee has spent more than 30 years leading seminars for more than a million people across the United States, Latin America, Europe, and Asia.
1:20
Coach actors, artists, and CEOs you know by name.
1:24
Today we're talking about how to turn a breakdown into a breakthrough.
1:29
Chris Lee, welcome to Harder Than Life.
1:35
You've coached people through their breakdowns for more than 30 years, Chris.
1:41
What's the breakdown most successful men are pretending they don't have right here, right now?
1:47
Insecurity.
1:50
Go deeper.
1:51
Because your ego has the need to look good and the need to be right and the need to be in control.
1:58
And so to admit insecurity would be vulnerability.
2:02
And most men don't want to connect to their vulnerability because they see it as weakness.
2:08
And in reality, vulnerability is actually strength because you're...
2:13
opening your heart and you're opening the fact that you're not perfect and people feel more connected to imperfection than they do to perfection.
2:23
But the racket, I call it a racket, which is a automatic behavior that we implement to survive.
2:32
And the reason why we have a racket is because it brings a false reward.
2:35
So the racket is to be in control because that will make me look good.
2:39
It'll make me appear as a leader and successful, et cetera, et cetera.
2:44
But to admit that you're wrong and to admit that you don't have it all together, that opens the door to growth and transformation and joy into so many opportunities.
2:55
And I am blessed to work with people and guide them through that.
2:59
And most men I have come into the room saying, I got it all figured out.
3:03
And what am I doing here?
3:04
My wife made me come.
3:06
You know, this emotional intelligence stuff isn't for me.
3:11
And by the end of the training, the people who actually benefit the most are the men.
3:15
Oh, I got to get to one of these.
3:17
Where are you seeing shame come in?
3:18
I did a bunch of work and I've started doing a lot of shame discussions.
3:23
And I'm hearing more and more men going, hey, me too.
3:26
Wow, I can't believe that you're talking about this.
3:28
Where does shame, is it a distant cousin of vulnerability or ego?
3:34
Where do you see in that?
3:35
Well, I think shame is the outcome of the events in our lives that we don't want to accept, that we don't want to own, that we don't want to look at.
3:43
And so instead of taking responsibility for what happened and for our emotions and for our experience and processing it, we mask it with shame.
3:54
And so that's why we keep it covered up.
3:56
And one of the most incredible things that I've seen is when people feel safe and they feel like the environment is an environment that's going to...
4:04
actually support them and not make fun of them or not judge them.
4:08
men tend to open up and tend to start owning whatever it is that's causing the shame.
4:15
Because shame is really an external point of view that we're internalizing it.
4:20
So we're looking at how you're going to react to my, in the case of abuse, whether it's sexual abuse or physical abuse or verbal abuse or whatever abuse I've been through, which most people have gone through one form of abuse or another.
4:35
And so shame covers it up.
4:38
Shame becomes the ally of insecurity and the ally of ego.
4:45
And when you start unraveling that, then there's something called freedom that's available for you.
4:51
Yeah.
4:52
Yeah, how do we get there?
4:53
You can't have freedom and shame at the same time.
4:55
You got to confront the shame.
4:57
It's confrontation.
4:58
It's bringing to the foreground what we're hiding.
5:01
It's telling the truth, having the hard experiences and asking the hard questions and answering them.
5:09
And owning them.
5:10
And when you own something, you gain power over it.
5:14
It's when you're in denial, shame and denial are twins.
5:18
When you're in denial, then what happens is it covers up the issue.
5:23
It's like being in denial about a cavity that turns into a root canal or being in denial of, you know, a growth on my skin that becomes skin cancer and can kill me.
5:32
Shame and denial come hand in hand because I don't have to look at it.
5:35
I don't have to confront it.
5:37
Why do high achievers stay in denial longer than anybody else?
5:40
Because they have evidence that being in denial works because they're only counting.
5:47
They're only counting a certain level of certain area of success.
5:52
So you're counting dollars and in my brain and my GPS system says dollars equal success.
5:59
Then I don't need to look at anything else.
6:01
But if you want fulfillment, then you could be bankrupt in fulfillment and you could be a billionaire in success.
6:09
And then basically what you're doing is you're living an empty life.
6:13
So denial works until it doesn't.
6:16
Walk us through the breakthroughs at your events.
6:21
You probably know exactly what had happened to each person.
6:24
It's probably different for every person.
6:25
So walk us through how it happens.
6:28
Well, how it happens is people walk into the training and at first they're in total denial until I start talking and I start digging and digging and digging and pushing buttons.
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Our triggers and when we get triggered, that gives me information of what I need to do with you.
6:49
Because when you get triggered, your triggers basically are a five alarm fire that something's going on.
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So in my training, angry people get really angry and they want to blow the place up.
7:05
Sad people become super sad, confused people get confused.
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And so the first day is basically kind of like the x-ray of looking at what's going on here.
7:15
And then there's the buy-in.
7:16
It gets to a point where the participant or the person I'm coaching, because I do this one-on-one as well, the person I'm coaching realizes, you know what, this is a real issue.
7:26
And every time I get pissed, I'm giving my power away, which at the end of the day can make me more money if I had my power.
7:33
It could make me more successful.
7:35
It could make me more balanced.
7:37
So then I realized, wait a minute, if I do the work, I could have it all.
7:40
And so that's the first introduction phase.
7:45
And then we do deep dive shadow work.
7:49
And the shadow work is looking at these painful moments and there's meditations and there's music and I guide them and, and,
7:57
It's an incredible breakthrough.
7:59
Then there's a catharsis where people scream at the top of their lungs and they're letting this stuff go.
8:05
And there's like 100 people screaming at the same time.
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It's like this primal screaming therapy, which is insane.
8:10
It's incredible.
8:12
And then people feel like they're reborn.
8:13
They're coming out and they're going, oh, my God, I've been stuffing this stuff for so long.
8:18
And there was always this thing bothering me.
8:20
I was so triggerable.
8:22
And then you realize that it is possible to live a life where you're not triggered.
8:27
So imagine a life where nothing triggers you.
8:30
Is it not triggered or you don't?
8:33
I always feel like you'll always be triggered, but it's what you do with that trigger.
8:37
I mean, is it really you won't be triggered?
8:39
No.
8:40
Your default won't be so quick to the trigger.
8:44
Okay.
8:45
So it's not to say that there aren't instances that something might set you off.
8:50
You know, if it was 99% triggered, you go down to 10% trigger, let's say.
8:56
Is anyone 100% not?
8:58
It's not possible.
8:59
Like there's stuff.
9:00
I've been doing this work for 30 plus years.
9:01
There's stuff that sets me off.
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But it's so rare.
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And when it happens, I'm like, oh, my God, that was a trigger.
9:08
That's so cool.
9:09
Because I'm so excited about my triggers because it lets me know there's a breakthrough waiting for me.
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And so from trigger to breakthrough, that's really the opportunity.
9:20
And so to be able to use your energy and your power towards your vision, towards your goals, towards your things that you want to have in life, it's liberating.
9:30
Yeah.
9:31
And it's great.
9:32
And also, of course, there's that we teach you a pivot system to where when that happens, when there's a breakdown that's bigger than you, that it's not so much about a trigger, but more like a massive challenge.
9:44
How to pivot out of that breakdown, how to acknowledge it, how to choose something different.
9:49
everybody that introduced us said you're amazing.
9:53
And I was going to ask you why.
9:55
And we're eight minutes or five minutes into this, and I already know why.
9:57
First of all, your facial expressions and how excited you get about everything and how the energy you bring is fantastic.
10:03
So thank you for being you.
10:05
I already fricking adore you.
10:07
The audience is going to love you.
10:08
I've got to go to one of these seminars, but,
10:10
Would you go into that pivot from a trigger a little deeper?
10:14
Like what you, I mean, of course we want people to come to the show.
10:17
So usually when there's a, when there's a setback or a breakdown or a challenge where you expect something and what you're expecting doesn't happen.
10:26
You want to do a role play?
10:27
Can we do a role play?
10:28
A role play?
10:29
Like, how can we, I mean, you can trigger me.
10:33
I don't know.
10:33
No, no, no, no, no.
10:34
I mean, let's see how we can do a role play.
10:37
Let's say that you're late, right?
10:39
So let's say that you're late and I'm someone who's triggered by someone being late.
10:44
Correct.
10:45
Or actually, wait a minute.
10:46
I'm late and you're pissed at me.
10:47
Yes, and I do get, that is something that I would get to.
10:50
Okay, so let's do the role play.
10:51
So I know the podcast, well, I was supposed to be here at one.
10:54
It's two o'clock.
10:55
Yeah.
10:56
And I was in traffic and, you know, you know, that's what happened.
11:02
So deal with it.
11:03
Yeah.
11:05
So immediately I'm the voice in my head is saying, how would you react to that?
11:09
The voice in my head is saying that you're irresponsible.
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You didn't plan accordingly.
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You didn't know that the Miami traffic is crazy or you just didn't care.
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Well, fuck you.
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How dare you challenge me?
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And how dare you call me out?
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I'm being late.
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It's fixed.
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I feel better.
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How dare you call me out?
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Because most people, when they get called out for being late, they get triggered because they feel like they're being confronted and being told what to do.
11:34
How is that?
11:35
It happens all the time, especially people that are powerful.
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They don't want to be called out on their shit.
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And so let's say you're calling me out for being late.
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And so I'm triggered.
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Now I'm mad at you.
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And now the issue becomes more about you calling me out than me being late.
11:54
I hate that.
11:55
That's the issue.
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It's called a retaliatory penalty.
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And so how would I handle that as a transformed person?
12:02
Call me out for being late.
12:03
Chris, why were you late?
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Or no, you were late because you don't care and you're irresponsible.
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What's wrong with you?
12:08
Okay, so first of all, I want you to acknowledge the breakdown.
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I am so sorry for wasting your time.
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And what was missing for me was planning.
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I didn't organize myself.
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I didn't plan on the traffic.
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And I apologize.
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And what you could count on for me is to respect you and to respect your time.
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And this will never happen again.
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And if something comes up in the future that I can't control, I will consider you enough to call you before the appointment and let you know to renegotiate the time.
12:40
If it works for you, I apologize.
12:42
How do we teach people to do that?
12:45
That's what I'm talking about.
12:46
That's a pivot.
12:48
Ego will not allow someone to do that.
12:51
And so then you have all these people who run companies who they demand something from their employees that they're not willing to give.
12:59
And so if they're late, it's okay.
13:01
If they break the rules, it's okay.
13:02
If they don't honor the values and the principles, it's okay.
13:06
But they expect for their teams to do that.
13:08
So when I coach CEOs, I coach CEOs.
13:10
CEOs of different corporations.
13:12
I work right now with the CEO of Fox.
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So I'm his coach.
13:15
His name is Rob Wade.
13:16
He's Fox Entertainment.
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So I work with him.
13:19
And what I do with him is I support him and his vision and his goals.
13:25
And I hold him accountable to what he says he's going to do.
13:28
And he appreciates that because a lot of people in his world, and especially when you have a lot of power, usually surround yourself with people that agree with you and that don't hold you
13:40
And so that's a way of coaching someone on how to pivot out of the Nile of the breakdown, own the breakdown, take responsibility and make a new commitment.
13:51
So let me throw this curveball at you because mine would be different.
13:54
Mine would internal dialogue would be like, I know better.
13:58
I'm stupid.
13:59
That was dumb.
14:00
And I would apologize.
14:01
Yeah.
14:03
But I still make an excuse, but it would just to try to placate me to stop saying the terrible things in my head.
14:09
So if it were reverse and I was like...
14:12
I'm like, Chris, I'm sorry, I didn't plan.
14:15
I would do everything, but I would be beating the shit out of myself.
14:18
Like I know better.
14:20
I hold myself to a higher standard.
14:22
How do you coach that?
14:24
Well, it's perception.
14:25
So your perception is causing you to beat yourself up.
14:29
In other words, you're late and you're deciding that you're not a good person, that you're not good enough.
14:35
And that once again, you have more evidence to beat yourself up.
14:39
And so what I would say to you is this does not define you.
14:43
Okay.
14:44
You're you being late is an event.
14:46
It's not who you are.
14:48
And, you know, by identifying what's missing, it's not about what's wrong with you.
14:52
It's about seeing what's in your way so that you can correct it.
14:55
And in terms of yourself beat up, that means that someone has a lot of judgment of themselves.
15:02
And one thing they're not doing is they're not forgiving themselves enough.
15:05
Okay.
15:05
If you don't forgive yourself, the cup overflows of resentment.
15:11
And so no matter what happens, a small thing can burst that, you know, that dam.
15:16
And so we got to forgive ourselves.
15:18
And so I would coach that person to forgive themselves.
15:22
And one thing that I teach is simple steps, how to turn a breakdown into a blessing.
15:29
And one of the first ones to acknowledge it and to acknowledge it in a positive way.
15:33
Listen, I acknowledge this breakdown, but I know that this breakdown is a blessing.
15:37
And by looking at it from a positive perspective, that stops the beat up within myself.
15:43
If I could shift my perspective around breakdowns and see breakdowns as growth,
15:49
then I'm not going to be afraid to have them.
15:51
As long as I see it as a breakdown as an opportunity for self-beat-up, I'm going to play small.
15:57
And so I encourage people to play big and break down big because that breakdown will lead to something empowering and something huge.
16:05
And so by acknowledging the breakdown, then you take responsibility for the breakdown and look at, okay, so how did I create this?
16:13
How did I co-create this?
16:15
And if I didn't create or co-create it, how could I perceive this in a way that empowers me?
16:20
Responsibility is before, during, and after the breakdown.
16:23
So that's step two.
16:24
Yeah, so step one is to acknowledge the breakdown.
16:27
Acknowledge, then responsible.
16:28
I'm late and I own it and I get it and I apologize.
16:32
The second step is to take responsibility by identifying how did I create this.
16:37
I didn't plan.
16:38
I didn't organize.
16:39
I didn't set myself up to win.
16:42
The third step is to forgive myself.
16:44
I got to forgive myself for my breakdowns because if I don't forgive myself for my breakdowns, I'm just going to carry that energy with me.
16:51
Why am I so free and joyful?
16:54
Because I forgive myself daily because I mess up daily.
16:57
I'm not perfect.
16:58
I have breakdowns and I acknowledge them and I forgive myself.
17:02
And the other thing that we don't do is the fourth step is to process the emotion.
17:07
We don't process emotion enough.
17:09
And most men don't do that, which is why men create a lot of illness, because whether it's physical or emotional or mental, mental health is because we don't process the emotion.
17:21
So in my case, that would have been, I felt less than, I felt unworthy, not good enough.
17:26
And then you would need to forgive yourself.
17:27
So can you forgive yourself for being late?
17:31
If the role's reversed.
17:32
Is responsibility and accountability the same thing?
17:34
Yeah.
17:35
Responsibility is a mindset of that I am the source of what happens in my life.
17:40
And I'm accountable for my thoughts, my choices, my actions, and my results.
17:48
Why is being accountable so hard right now?
17:50
Because people wanna blame everybody.
17:52
It's easy to blame the economy, to blame the president, blame politics, blame the kids, your parents, my mom did it to me.
18:02
You know, it's easy to blame other people.
18:04
You rarely hear someone say, I generated being dumped.
18:08
You'll rarely hear someone say, I caused myself to get fired.
18:12
What they're saying is, I got fired and those jerks screwed me over.
18:17
And a good friend will say, oh, you poor thing.
18:22
Oh, my God, they suck.
18:23
I heard about them too.
18:24
But that's the worst thing you could do.
18:26
Like the definition of a good friend.
18:28
A real friend would say, how did you cause that?
18:32
How did you create this?
18:34
How are you the author of what's happening in your life?
18:37
My premise that I operate from and I coach from is you have the power to create what you want, when you want, where you want, whatever time you want.
18:46
You have the power, it's in you.
18:49
And it's up to you to access it.
18:51
Do you also coach people on the people you surround yourself with?
18:54
Because we all have those friends that you call because they make you feel good.
18:59
But that's not growing.
19:00
I don't have them.
19:02
Oh, so you do coach this.
19:04
Tell me more.
19:04
I don't have them.
19:05
Any person that's mediocre, that's not in your vision or that is not in your mindset, that's not committed to growth mindset is a cancer in your life.
19:20
Wow.
19:21
That's a strong statement.
19:22
Well, it's true.
19:23
I was, I'll never forget this.
19:26
I was in LA doing a seminar and on a break, I went down to Melrose for a meeting.
19:31
And then I see this big mural that has a cartoon of two people sitting at the table.
19:38
And it looked like they were together, like in a relationship.
19:42
And the thought bubble of one, oh, the name tag on one said growth, personal growth, and
19:50
And the name tag on the other said comfort zone.
19:53
And growth says in the conversation bubble, this is just not going to work out.
19:59
So if you're committed to growth and you've got people that are not committed to growth, it's not going to work out.
20:04
Whether you're dating them or you're employing them or you're working with them or you're hanging out with them, you know, it's just you've got to decide like what life do you want?
20:15
And when I went through these workshops 38 years ago, when I was two, I did a lot of house cleaning.
20:24
And I said, look, I love you.
20:26
And you're either going to be on this journey with me or not.
20:29
But I cannot put energy into something that's not going to support my growth.
20:35
I see that a lot.
20:36
People have...
20:38
their placation people around them.
20:41
And I'm not interested in that.
20:42
I don't want to feel better.
20:43
I want to, I want someone to hold me accountable.
20:46
And I'm a good friend for you.
20:47
Yeah, no, that's what I said.
20:49
I said, boy, we got to hang out more.
20:51
Absolutely.
20:52
Call me on my, my bullshit.
20:54
Yeah.
20:54
Yeah.
20:54
Yeah.
20:55
I mean, and I, and by the way, the people in my life,
20:58
I love them and they're not the most comfortable people to be around because I get called out if I'm not being my authentic self, if I'm not being my higher version, if I'm not being the best I could be.
21:11
And so it's not comfortable, but I stopped worrying about comfort many years ago.
21:16
I decide what do I want in my life?
21:18
Do I want comfort and stay where I was or do I want growth and be comfortable with being uncomfortable?
21:25
I love that.
21:26
What's the most dangerous story a man can tell himself after a setback?
21:31
There's no possibility.
21:33
That's losing all hope.
21:35
Isn't that what?
21:36
That leads to suicide.
21:38
I couldn't even say it fast enough.
21:39
I was just going to say, doesn't that what leads to suicide?
21:41
That leads to suicide.
21:42
It leads to the ending of everything.
21:44
There's no possibility.
21:45
And as long as you have oxygen, there's always possibility.
21:50
There's always possibility.
21:53
Love that.
21:53
I believe that.
21:54
And that no matter as long as I'm breathing.
21:57
Yeah.
21:57
I got a fighting chance.
21:59
A hundred percent.
22:00
A hundred percent.
22:02
You talked a little bit about disease causing disease and you've actually called guilt a cancer.
22:09
What does unprocessed guilt or look like in a guy who looks like he's winning?
22:14
Well, just heaviness, very sensitive, short fuse, some of those short fuse, someone who maybe wants everything perfect around him and everything has to be exactly the way it is.
22:31
And if you move something like that, they freak out, and they get unsettled by the smallest little things.
22:39
And so what ends up happening is that that person becomes so, since they can't control their guilt, they want to control their environment.
22:48
And so they try to control, micromanage everything around them.
22:53
And the other thing is behavior.
22:55
They might fall into relationships where they are trying to make up for the guilt.
23:04
So they, for example, if it's a dad who's divorced and he feels guilty because he cheated and he, and they got divorced, he'll end up funding his children's needs and paying for everything.
23:16
And it's like a way of, of manifesting guilt.
23:19
It's like, Oh, look, you can tell he's guilty.
23:21
Cause he's like, he won't say no to his kids.
23:23
And.
23:24
You know, and he's just, you know, over exceeding himself.
23:29
You just described me.
23:30
And the funny thing that I feel guilty for is that all of my friends growing up are dead or in jail.
23:35
And why did I make it out?
23:36
And there's been many near death experiences.
23:38
I've been shot at.
23:39
I've been stabbed.
23:41
I've been run over.
23:43
Me too.
23:44
Yeah.
23:45
I was seven.
23:46
I got hit by a car.
23:47
Run over by a car.
23:49
And you sound a lot like me.
23:50
A lot of the kids I grew up were dead.
23:52
How do I process that?
23:56
Why am I here?
23:58
Well, it comes down to perspective.
24:00
Everything is perspective.
24:02
And choose the one that empowers you.
24:04
It's really that simple.
24:06
It really is.
24:08
I could choose to believe that I'm an imposter and that...
24:12
You know, that I could have survivors guilt.
24:14
Survivors guilt.
24:15
And how did I make it out?
24:17
My brother's dead.
24:19
My brother became an addict.
24:22
I grew up.
24:23
That's true.
24:23
Yeah.
24:24
My dad, the same thing.
24:25
My dad, when I was six, he left.
24:27
I never saw him again.
24:29
He left us in Puerto Rico, brought my Jewish family from New York to Puerto Rico.
24:34
My dad brings us my mom, five kids.
24:37
Yeah.
24:37
And he takes off when I was six.
24:39
Never saw him again.
24:40
Turns out he went to Sing Sing prison.
24:42
It's a whole soap opera.
24:44
Oh, I got it.
24:44
I got it.
24:45
I don't know about this.
24:46
Soap opera.
24:47
But I'm the youngest.
24:49
And I was basically running around Old San Juan, knocking on doors, asking for food.
24:53
I remember that, going, I want rice and beans.
24:56
And I would get fed by neighbors.
24:58
And so why am I where I am?
25:01
Like, what a privilege.
25:03
But the perspective that I have is I have a vision and I have a purpose and I'm here to make a difference in people's lives.
25:10
And my goal is to impact as many people as I can as long as I'm breathing.
25:14
Because at the end, I take nothing with me.
25:16
It's what I left behind.
25:18
And so that's why I'm here.
25:18
That's why I'm in this room.
25:20
How do you manifest this energy?
25:22
I mean, you walked in and just the whole place lit up.
25:25
What's your secret?
25:26
Gratitude.
25:27
Get out of time.
25:28
Gratitude.
25:29
I wake up and I go, thank you.
25:31
I'm alive.
25:32
I believe in God.
25:33
So I'm like, thank you, God, for a new day.
25:36
I'm breathing.
25:37
I have a brother who's dead.
25:39
My mom's dead.
25:40
My dad's dead that I found out.
25:42
My stepfather died.
25:43
I have friends who have dropped dead.
25:45
And people die every day.
25:48
There's stuff happening every day around the world where people are dying every day.
25:52
And when I wake up, I literally go, wow, I made it.
25:55
Yes, thank you for a new day.
25:59
And the second thing I do is I establish the kind of day I'm going to have.
26:03
I'm not going to be a victim of whether it rains or people are jerks to me or people are nice or there's traffic, no traffic.
26:09
I decide today, here's what I'm going to create.
26:13
Here's the environment I'm causing.
26:15
I'm causing love and joy and passion.
26:18
I pick the words for the day.
26:19
You know, usually it's like three of them and I bring it.
26:23
And then I, at the end of the day, evaluate.
26:24
Did I get it done?
26:25
What was missing?
26:27
If it's a breakdown that I didn't really bring in, I'm like, yes, what do I need to learn to do different?
26:32
And that's how I bring it.
26:33
And the other thing that I think is important is that I've handled two of the biggest issues we have as human beings, and that is self-judgment and judgment of others.
26:45
As long as I'm in self-judgment, then it's going to be very limited what I pour out to you.
26:51
If I'm judging me, I'm not going to want to share me with you.
26:55
I'm not going to bring my energy to you.
26:58
I'm not going to want to smile.
26:59
I'm not going to want to go, hey, give me a hug.
27:01
Like, why would you hug this?
27:03
That's self-judgment.
27:05
The second thing is judgment of others.
27:07
If I'm sizing you up and judging you, then I can't connect to you.
27:12
And so I don't judge people, you know, and so I handle self-judgment.
27:17
And I check in, if I'm feeling stressed then there's something that I have not, there's something that I'm in judgment of with myself.
27:24
And so how do you shift from self-judgment?
27:26
Self-forgiveness, self-love.
27:29
It almost seems impossible not to judge others.
27:31
Now, I don't mean judge others, just we talked about the friend that placates you.
27:37
Isn't that some form of judgment?
27:39
Because you can't be around me if this is what you're gonna do, isn't that judgment?
27:44
No, that's boundaries.
27:46
Well, that's why I'm going wrong.
27:48
I don't see it as judgment.
27:49
I see judgment is when I basically, when I make you wrong for how you show up to me.
27:58
Let me give you a, for instance, when you came up in the elevator to the show, you probably smelled cannabis.
28:05
Like, and if I walk into an elevator and I smell cannabis on somebody, I'm judging them.
28:10
I can't, it's like, dude, in the mornings, at 8 o'clock in the morning, I was wondering, what does your life look like that you need to smoke so much weed that it emanates off of you?
28:22
It's hard not to judge because I feel bad for them.
28:25
It's like, how do I not do that?
28:28
But you're making them wrong for that.
28:30
Maybe they need it.
28:30
Maybe they have cancer.
28:31
Maybe they smoke weed because they need to take care of what it is that they need to take care of.
28:37
That's not your lifestyle.
28:39
I don't judge people that are different than me or that even people that don't want to walk in my path.
28:46
I just don't need to be around them.
28:48
That's different than judging them.
28:50
So the person who's not committed to growth, the person, when people come to my workshops, people come in from every walk of life and every mindset, and they walk into a welcoming environment.
29:03
At the same time, I'm able to dance with, here are the boundaries, here are the rules.
29:10
And if you're gonna be here, you gotta participate this way.
29:13
I'm not judging you, I'm basically putting down the
29:16
the boundaries that are necessary so that I can create the life that I want and I could support you the way I could support you.
29:23
So it's not, I think that assessing people is authentic.
29:28
Like you're going to always assess, you know, this, I like this, I like that.
29:32
This is good.
29:33
This is bad.
29:34
This is right.
29:34
This is wrong.
29:36
But assessing is looking at something to evaluate it,
29:43
Yeah, it's a different perspective.
29:44
Judging is putting a wall, putting a wall between you and them.
29:47
Assessing versus judging.
29:49
That's good.
29:51
I like that.
29:51
I keep thinking about when I do that, you talked about giving away your power.
29:55
And I feel like when I do that, I'm giving away my power.
29:59
So if I'm doing that, who's holding the power at that moment?
30:03
They are.
30:05
that's enough right there to make you they are if i'm in the elevator and with this guy and he smells like weed i'm like this what's wrong with them they have my power they own me they own me instead of going all right you know what i don't agree with it i don't like it it's not what i would do blessings to you sir i send you love and light
30:31
You're so beautiful.
30:32
Person on traffic, cut me off, flip me the bird.
30:35
Peace.
30:36
Because what's this?
30:39
Half a peace sign.
30:41
I mean, it's all perspective.
30:43
It doesn't mean I don't fall in the trap at times.
30:46
That's the 10% that I talked about.
30:49
But I'm able to pivot and go, oh, wow, I'm judging this person.
30:51
Let me shift.
30:52
All right, peace.
30:53
Because there's an automatic that kicks in from time to time when the default doesn't work.
31:00
And the automatic is whatever your childhood trauma is.
31:03
And so when you react, you're basically becoming the age that you were when that trauma was placed.
31:10
And so, you know, you have this violent reaction to something.
31:13
You want to look at that.
31:15
That's just feedback.
31:17
I've listened to you on several podcasts, but I know a little bit, but not deep, deep, deep.
31:21
I'm going to read the book and I want to go into this.
31:24
But someone you helped build from nothing turned on you.
31:28
I don't know the whole story.
31:29
So how did you get your energy back and what's the backstory?
31:32
So the backstory is that...
31:35
I supported someone in becoming a trainer.
31:40
I developed them.
31:41
I coached them.
31:42
They built their business.
31:44
I supported them in their business.
31:47
And at some point, they made up things about me that were not true.
31:53
They lied, basically.
31:55
And so then there was a rumor and I, somebody who's, you know, that is close to me said, Hey, they're saying this about you.
32:04
And I knew where it came from.
32:06
I of course confronted the person and said, what's going on?
32:10
Like, why, why would, you know,
32:13
You do this or say this.
32:15
And they had no explanation.
32:17
There was just no.
32:18
They didn't even deny it?
32:20
No, they didn't deny or confirm it.
32:22
They just didn't.
32:23
They didn't acknowledge it.
32:25
So what do I do?
32:27
Let it go.
32:29
I wrote him a letter, which I didn't mail.
32:32
And basically the letter was a journaling opportunity to go, you know what?
32:35
I wish you the best.
32:37
You know, blessings to you.
32:40
And I've released this and it's gone.
32:42
I forgive you.
32:43
Because there's no power in being right.
32:48
I'm right, by the way.
32:49
The person lied.
32:50
The person created the story that's not true.
32:54
But being right gets me angry.
32:57
Being right gets me reactive.
33:01
Being right has him have my power.
33:04
By letting it go and saying, you know what?
33:06
Peace be with you.
33:07
Time will tell.
33:08
The truth will be revealed.
33:10
And I let it go.
33:12
I keep thinking of the, I have a 17 year old daughter and we used to watch Frozen so many times.
33:17
Let it go.
33:19
Let it go.
33:19
Every time you say that, I keep thinking about it.
33:21
You got to let it go.
33:22
There's so much we hold on to that's just unnecessary.
33:25
Oh.
33:26
Just unnecessary.
33:28
You got to let it go.
33:29
There's no power in being right.
33:32
I'm still stuck on that.
33:34
There's no power in being right.
33:36
Dr. Wayne Dyer, rest in peace.
33:38
Dr. Wayne Dyer.
33:40
wise man incredible visionary leader has a quote that i live by choose to be kind versus right choose to be kind over being right right in these things i have uh his quote quote up um love everybody and tell the truth it's up in my bathroom i love that i love that i just i believe if i could change one thing in the world it would be that everybody has to tell the truth
34:04
A hundred percent.
34:05
That's why I love confrontation.
34:08
Because confrontation is let's tell the truth.
34:11
You know, let's tell the feedback is so awesome.
34:14
And most people aren't open to feedback.
34:16
They want to hear what they want to hear.
34:17
So it's so in alignment with what you said.
34:19
Tell the truth.
34:21
Why do people keep having the same breakdowns over and over?
34:25
Because they don't take responsibility.
34:27
They don't adjust.
34:28
If you take accountability for the breakdown and you adjust it, you will have a breakthrough.
34:32
You will have a breakthrough.
34:34
Insanity is repeating the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.
34:39
And so the other thing is we don't know where to look.
34:42
Most people look at breakdowns as, and they focus on the action, but they're not focusing on the real cause, which is not the action.
34:51
It's the being.
34:53
So your energy, your way of being, the energy you project into the world is what brings the results of your life.
35:03
Why are you successful?
35:04
Because you have this magnetism.
35:06
You have this energy, this joy about you that people want to be around you.
35:12
And when I first heard about you and saw you, I'm like, this guy is like glowing.
35:18
I was like, I got to know this guy.
35:20
I was telling your producer, I don't do many podcasts anymore because I've done so many of them.
35:23
As you know, I've done a lot with Lewis and other people, Chris Harder, Lori Harder, a lot of people in the world and Latin America.
35:31
But when I heard about you, I was like, absolutely.
35:34
I can't wait to meet this guy.
35:35
Yeah.
35:36
And so energy creates results.
35:38
And a lot of people don't put enough emphasis on what's the energy that I'm bringing
35:45
What's the environment that I'm creating?
35:47
When you look at the environment of the rainforest, it creates orchids because it's wet, it's tropical, it's humid.
35:52
If you go to Las Vegas, the environment is dry.
35:55
And what does it create?
35:56
Cactus.
35:58
And some people want orchids, but they're being a desert.
36:01
And so by shifting your energy and shifting your mindset, because that's what creates energy...
36:08
then that is what shifts the results.
36:10
So when I coach people, I don't coach so much on, okay, you promised to sell a million, you sold half a million.
36:16
We understand that.
36:17
You know that.
36:19
What you did, what you didn't do, that's also something that you get to evaluate.
36:22
What did I do that I could have done different?
36:25
What did I do that was in the way?
36:27
But the bigger question that I'm more interested in is who were you being?
36:31
What was the energy you were bringing to what you did?
36:35
Because the being is what causes the having, not the doing.
36:40
And most men are all about do, do, do, do, do.
36:44
And if it doesn't work, do more.
36:47
That's why we stay stuck in the same cycle is because we go at it harder, faster, expecting, you know, it's kind of like the guy who's lost, you know, and he doesn't want to ask for directions.
36:57
And so he drives faster.
36:59
Yeah.
36:59
Instead of, okay, well, let me be open and let me be curious and let me ask for instructions.
37:06
I'm sitting here just like being a sponge and soaking this in.
37:09
I'm grateful that I, first of all, thank you for all the kind things you said.
37:12
I feel the same way about you.
37:14
We're going to be lifelong friends.
37:15
100%.
37:15
100%.
37:17
I just am, I love life and I love the people that are in it and your energy is contagious.
37:24
When I am coming into a relationship, I just, I want to learn.
37:29
And these one-liners that you're going to, it's just so good.
37:32
For the man who's listening to this going, yes, yes, yes.
37:35
And he's stuck.
37:36
What are the exact steps that he should take to get to the next level?
37:41
At least just bring, what would you, the word you use?
37:46
How can he be and stop doing?
37:48
Okay, so evaluate how you're feeling because how you're feeling will reveal who you're being.
37:57
So if you're feeling angry or sad or stressed, that means you're being angry, sad, and stressed.
38:05
So the first step is to acknowledge how am I feeling?
38:09
What's going on in my body?
38:11
What's going on in my brain?
38:13
Is my mind racing?
38:15
Am I dry?
38:16
Am I, do I have anxiety?
38:18
Am I stressed?
38:20
That is letting me know how I'm being.
38:22
And then the second step is to make clear for myself, what are the qualities or the ways of being that will shift this energy?
38:32
There's a menu of choices, joy, loving, passion, alive.
38:36
All those things are not feelings, they're choices.
38:40
And so I could choose to shift and pivot from being angry to being joyful, from being sad to being happy.
38:51
It's a matter of making that shift.
38:54
And I've got, if I have too much energy, then I need to clear it.
38:58
And so clearing it is clearing the emotion, processing the emotion.
39:02
Back to what we said earlier.
39:04
If I got a lot of negative emotion that I have not released, I'm
39:09
then it makes it harder to shift my way of being.
39:12
So I need to acknowledge the emotion that I need to clear.
39:15
If it's something small, like I'm just stressed over the small thing, or I'm just feeling a little sad, then I could shift easily and choose other ways of being.
39:26
If it's something massive that I'm carrying with me, I got to address that.
39:30
And how do I address my emotion?
39:32
How do I process my emotion?
39:33
There's lots of ways.
39:34
Exercising, meditating, journaling, calling a friend, screaming, watching a movie, crying, dancing, listening to music.
39:47
There's many ways to process emotions that we don't realize that we're doing that, but you get to be intentional.
39:53
So that's how you shift your energy.
39:55
But the most important thing is to remember joy is a choice, love is a choice, energy is a choice.
40:02
There's a lot of days I wake up and I feel sad, I feel stuck, I feel not good enough because it's an automatic thing.
40:10
So I acknowledge it.
40:11
Oh, I'm feeling sad or I'm feeling a little off.
40:13
Okay, well, I'm creating love.
40:15
I'm creating joy.
40:16
I'm creating passion.
40:17
And so I shift my energy because I have access to it.
40:21
And that's what it takes to shift your energy.
40:23
And then the more you become it, the more it feels right in your body.
40:29
I've noticed that both of your things that you said were started off with acknowledgement.
40:33
And then the other part of that was denial.
40:35
So I find that very ironic.
40:37
But I keep wanting to beat a dead horse and say,
40:40
How do you act when you just don't feel like it?
40:44
Is the answer literally just acknowledge and just make a choice?
40:48
Well, release whatever's in the way in that moment.
40:50
So if you're pissed, fucking scream.
40:52
Sorry for the bad words.
40:53
No, no, no.
40:53
That's actually good.
40:55
If you're pissed, scream.
40:56
If you're mad, let it go.
40:59
Write it down.
41:01
Do something with it.
41:02
And then choose joy.
41:05
Or maybe you're mad at yourself.
41:07
Forgive yourself.
41:08
Make a decision.
41:09
I forgive myself for whatever.
41:11
Or if there's someone that you're mad at, forgive them.
41:14
You see, resentment and guilt, those are two killers, right?
41:19
Resentment is all the negative energy I have with other people.
41:21
Guilt is the negative energy I have with myself.
41:24
The only way out of those is through forgiveness, right?
41:28
If you don't forgive, you're never going to be free.
41:31
Wait, isn't resentment and guilt being and then forgiveness doing?
41:35
No, forgiveness is being.
41:37
It's all being.
41:37
It is being.
41:38
Yeah.
41:39
It's being the energy of letting it go and being the energy of giving up being right.
41:46
Why don't I forgive?
41:47
Because you cheated on me.
41:50
You ripped me off.
41:51
You lied to me.
41:52
You know what?
41:53
Who cares what happened?
41:55
I forgive you because I'm going to take that power back.
41:58
I want that power for me so I could be able to shift easily and I could be able to create the life that I want.
42:04
There's no power in being right.
42:07
You blow my mind.
42:08
Because you know how much I'll be in my day job or in any sense.
42:12
I told you.
42:13
There's something in that little kid.
42:15
But that's an insecurity in you that needs to prove himself.
42:18
And you have nothing to prove.
42:19
Yeah.
42:20
You are already there.
42:21
I want to say this to you.
42:22
Listen to me.
42:23
You are already there.
42:24
You are enough.
42:25
You are enough.
42:28
And you are extraordinary.
42:29
And you have nothing to prove to anyone.
42:32
Thank you, my friend.
42:33
Thank you.
42:34
Thank you.
42:37
Drop it here.
42:38
No, I'm just kidding.
42:40
I swear every podcast guest that's been coming on lately is just speaking to my soul and my heart.
42:45
And I'm grateful that you're here.
42:47
I want you to know that you talk about gratitude.
42:48
I'm grateful for your year.
42:49
There's a reason why you came now because this is we rescheduled.
42:53
And I'm in a much more spongy place.
42:59
I would say that I have a word right now, which is just really be.
43:06
It's so funny.
43:07
You're saying being, I just, just being, I'm being present.
43:10
So the same thing.
43:12
I don't worry about yesterday.
43:13
Don't worry about tomorrow for the man who's rebuilding right now.
43:18
Is that the word you would recommend that they use?
43:21
Be?
43:22
Yeah.
43:23
The strategy that we were brought up with is,
43:29
I went to Cannes Film Festival.
43:30
I was invited to speak.
43:31
I spoke at one of the events at Cannes and I had everybody in the room from Robert De Niro, Sharon Stone, all these A-list people that I grew up freaking out and admiring.
43:42
And they're in the room listening to me.
43:44
And I thought, oh my God, here's this kid from Puerto Rico.
43:46
You know, like look how far I've come.
43:49
And I spoke about nobody in this room needs more.
43:56
You already have more than anything or more than most people have in many lifetimes.
44:03
You've been chasing the wrong thing.
44:05
Everyone's chasing more, but we're not doing enough on being.
44:10
We're not focusing on how are we being with our self-worth.
44:17
You see, we're chasing net worth, but we're not developing our self-worth.
44:22
And so self-worth to me is the energy of being.
44:26
So self-worth and developing that self-worth, that self-love and that self-forgiveness and that self-appreciation and that self-gratitude
44:36
The hardest person to forgive is ourselves by far because no one's harder on you than you are.
44:42
And so that's my message to people is to not be so hard on yourself, to give yourself a break, to love yourself, to forgive yourself.
44:53
You're allowed to be human.
44:54
Some people are punishing themselves for things that happened so long ago, like let it go.
44:59
Some people are punishing themselves for things that they didn't even do.
45:03
that you didn't even do it, and you're punishing yourself.
45:07
God, so true, Chris.
45:08
So it's so important to forgive, to forgive yourself, and to really develop your being.
45:13
And the other thing we got to remember, it's all a choice.
45:16
Love is a choice.
45:17
Power is a choice.
45:19
And when you choose it over time, it becomes a habit.
45:23
Once it becomes a habit, it becomes destiny.
45:25
So that would mean if positivity in that is a choice, that means negativity is a choice, but it feels automatic.
45:31
Because it's been a choice you've made for so long.
45:34
So it's become a habit.
45:35
So you have a neural pathway in your brain that you've been traveling over and over and over and over and over for years.
45:40
That's why it's auto.
45:42
It's an automatic thing.
45:44
You know, if the pathway is clear, I'm going to take the clear pathway.
45:46
I'm not going to climb over the walls to get, you know, because right now for some people, choosing positivity is almost impossible.
45:53
But you got to choose it anyway.
45:54
Right.
45:55
And if you choose it over time, you create a new habit, just like anything that you develop.
46:00
You know, when you look at an ice skater that does a triple axel, well, they've been choosing that move for years to practice and practice and practice, which is why they can do a triple axel or a quadruple I saw the other day.
46:13
And it looks like they're just flying, right?
46:15
It's like, oh, look how easy they do it.
46:16
But no, they've been working at it.
46:18
The same thing with negativity.
46:19
You've been working on negativity for 40, 50 years, and you've been surrounding yourself with people that are negative as well that reinforce the negativity.
46:28
And I don't have to go into media and into what's happening in the world that also reinforces negativity.
46:33
You know, we're going through the world with a big middle finger going, get away from me.
46:37
And so shifting that into, wait a minute, let me be peaceful and loving and kind can seem crazy.
46:44
But that is the solution.
46:46
By the way, that is the solution.
46:48
A wise man told me that you have to acknowledge that you're being negative.
46:54
Own it.
46:55
Own it.
46:55
Own your stuff.
46:56
Then make a choice.
46:57
Let it go.
46:58
That's right.
46:59
Let it go.
47:00
Let it go.
47:00
I'm listening.
47:01
I'm taking this in.
47:02
It's so good.
47:03
I want to go back to accountability because I think that in the world right now, we lack a lot of accountability and you define accountability as love.
47:09
Who was the last person who loved you enough to tell you the truth?
47:12
Oh, yesterday.
47:16
My assistant, who's my best friend, who's been with me for 12 years, I did something automatically where it wasn't my highest self.
47:32
It was just something I didn't notice it myself.
47:35
And he called me out.
47:36
He went, what are you doing?
47:37
I went, oh God, you're right.
47:40
Thank you.
47:42
Thank you for holding me accountable.
47:44
Thank you for loving me enough to call me out.
47:47
I love to be called out.
47:48
I love to be held accountable.
47:51
Whereas in the past, I would have gotten mad at him.
47:54
I would have gotten rid of him.
47:57
I may have fired him.
47:58
Like, how dare you say I'm wrong about something?
48:01
And there's people like that.
48:03
If everyone around you says yes, someone's not growing.
48:07
I hate that.
48:08
You seem to, you're the eternal optimist and positivity person.
48:13
guru what's something that almost broke you my mom's death she was my best friend she was she would we would talk five times a day we had we had like a relationship where it's um it was a
48:34
Day by day, like, where are you having lunch today?
48:38
Oh, how was your meeting?
48:40
How was the training?
48:41
Did people go to it?
48:42
Because my mom comes from a whole – she thought that my work, I'd run out of people to coach.
48:48
She's like, aren't you going to run out of people?
48:50
So scarcity mindset, my mom, of course.
48:53
But that almost broke me because you're never ready for it.
48:57
She was 93 and a half.
49:00
And she passed.
49:01
She lived, she was on fire like the whole time.
49:04
She never, she got sick for three months and died.
49:06
But she was like the eternal, like let's go, where are we going, where's the trip?
49:12
And so her passing was so mind blowing for me.
49:17
And it was four years ago.
49:19
And I miss her every single day, every moment.
49:23
She's a part of my life.
49:25
And it's surreal that I live in a world where my mom doesn't exist.
49:29
So I cry and I feel, and I process the emotion.
49:32
I don't stuff it.
49:34
You know, I have a sibling who does not acknowledge it.
49:37
And so it's really, you know, messed them up.
49:39
And I,
49:40
try to coach him and support him, but he's just not coachable.
49:43
And so when someone's not coachable, there's nothing he could do.
49:46
And he's stuck, but he has a lot of regret.
49:48
I have no regrets because talk about being in the moment.
49:51
I was always in the moment with my mom and I was always up front.
49:55
And, you know, I just, there was nothing unsaid.
49:58
I just miss her, physically miss her, even though she's a part of me.
50:03
But that almost broke me.
50:04
Like, like literally, if I didn't have the tools that I have, I don't know where I would be.
50:08
Yeah.
50:10
Is she Jewish?
50:12
Yes.
50:13
So when you speak about her, she reminds me of my grandmother.
50:16
And my grandmother died in 93.
50:19
And, yeah, it was a tough one.
50:21
And because they just have this je ne sais quoi about them where there's just a being.
50:26
My mom was larger than life.
50:28
She was like a force.
50:29
But not.
50:30
Not imponent.
50:31
Not imposing.
50:32
No, but like.
50:33
Just her being.
50:34
Mine was a little bit.
50:35
Her being.
50:35
Her beingness.
50:36
And the questions that they'd ask.
50:38
So grounded, too.
50:39
Like, so her.
50:41
Did you eat, Chris?
50:43
Oh, yeah.
50:43
Go sit down and make you a sandwich.
50:44
Did you eat?
50:45
Where are you going?
50:46
Who's there?
50:47
Are you safe?
50:48
Did you brush your teeth this morning?
50:51
I'm like, Mom, I'm 61.
50:58
Or in that case, 57.
51:00
What's the one thing a person has to do before abundance can show up?
51:06
Well, abundance doesn't need to show up.
51:08
It's already there.
51:09
So every single one of us is abundant.
51:14
So what a person needs to do is to acknowledge it.
51:17
Here we go back to an acknowledgement again.
51:19
Yeah, you acknowledge the already existing abundance.
51:22
You're already a billionaire.
51:23
You're already.
51:24
Well, you're alive.
51:26
You started with the other one.
51:26
You're alive.
51:27
You're breathing.
51:28
You could see.
51:29
Give me an eyeball.
51:30
How much for it?
51:32
Would you sell your eye?
51:35
Would you give up seeing in one eye for any amount of money?
51:39
Of course not.
51:40
And if I told you I'm going to give you 20 million, but you're going to die in a week, would you take it?
51:44
No.
51:45
Then you're already a billionaire, see?
51:48
It's like we don't realize that abundance is not something to attain back to being.
51:53
Abundance is a way of being.
51:56
And the key to abundance is gratitude.
51:59
When you focus on all the things that you are grateful for and that you get to be grateful for, you'll realize that any single one of them is priceless.
52:09
So you are priceless.
52:12
You know, the fact that you could talk, see, hear, walk, you know, go to the bathroom on your own, how cool.
52:17
There's people who can't.
52:18
People go to the bathroom in a bag.
52:20
You know, there's just gratitude of everything.
52:24
You don't think that gratitude is overused or oversimplified or over anything?
52:30
I mean, it's just, I was thinking about it this morning.
52:33
I woke up a little.
52:33
Oh, you mean like the hashtag grateful?
52:35
People that run around going, grateful?
52:37
I think there's a lot of fake people that are just, that are speaking it but not being it.
52:44
Like, for example, someone who, you know, they say they're grateful, but they complain all the time.
52:51
Or they say, oh, yeah, I live in gratitude.
52:53
And why is that jerk?
52:54
You know, it's like you're going to walk the talk.
52:57
And walking the talk is being rigorous about your values and your principles and what you stand for.
53:05
And for me, one of my biggest values and principles is gratitude.
53:09
And I am grateful.
53:12
I'm grateful not just for the good stuff.
53:13
I'm grateful for my dad leaving.
53:16
I'm grateful for the abuse I went through.
53:18
I went through physical abuse, sexual abuse.
53:21
I'm grateful for abandonment.
53:23
I'm grateful for being pulled over all those times in Massachusetts for not having a license and having a suspended license and having drama with my car and being put in jail overnight.
53:36
I'm grateful for all that.
53:38
I'm grateful for all the things that have led to this very moment or I wouldn't be here with you in this moment.
53:43
Let's go into that a little deeper, Chris, because a lot of people say that.
53:47
Everything happens for you, not to you.
53:49
And you just said it, but I could feel it and you mean it.
53:52
You just said, I'm grateful for sexual abuse.
53:55
I'm grateful for physical abuse.
53:57
You meant it.
54:00
Because I take the power away from the event.
54:05
The event is neutral.
54:09
I'm the one who puts the meaning to it.
54:12
And so for the longest time, sexual abuse meant I was a piece of crap.
54:18
Sexual abuse meant I was disgusting.
54:20
Sexual abuse meant so many things.
54:23
And now it just means that my body went through something but I was never touched because who am I?
54:31
When you look at who you are, your spirit, your energy.
54:35
This dies.
54:36
Spirit lives on.
54:37
And so my body was abused.
54:40
My body was physically abused.
54:42
My body was sexually abused.
54:43
I was never touched.
54:45
And so that gives me leverage and it gives me power over it.
54:50
And I can't change what happened.
54:52
I can only change my perspective of it.
54:55
Because at the end of the day, and there's a book that I read called Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl.
55:01
When you see that a guy is in a concentration camp and everything he built was taken overnight and that his wife was murdered and that his freedom was deprived and he was threatened to be killed daily and is treated worse than an insect and threatened every day.
55:20
And for him to find freedom in that environment, how did he do it?
55:24
And you know how he did it?
55:25
By choosing his interpretation.
55:27
Right.
55:27
He said, and this is one of my favorite quotes ever that I live by and I share it with you, Victor Frankl, between stimulus and response, there's a space.
55:37
And in that space, there's a choice.
55:40
I make the choice.
55:42
And I added to the quote, and in that choice is my destiny.
55:47
So if I choose to be a victim, then my destiny is victim.
55:51
If I choose to be a victor, then my destiny is victor.
55:55
You know, when you think of Will Smith at the Oscars and how he went up and slapped Chris Rock across the face because of what Chris Rock said, it wasn't what Chris Rock said that caused the slap.
56:06
It was how Will interpreted it.
56:09
He could have easily chosen, oh, G.I.
56:12
Jane, my wife is a badass.
56:14
But he interpreted like an insult.
56:17
So interpretation, reaction, action.
56:22
So at the end of the day, it's all a choice.
56:25
It's all interpretation.
56:27
I call that that sacred pause or the seagull pause.
56:30
Just give it a minute.
56:31
Just give it 30 seconds and it'll save you so much explaining.
56:38
And really, that's how you take your power back.
56:40
That's how you take your power back.
56:42
So I take a break and I go, okay, he just said this.
56:46
You know what?
56:47
He's giving my wife positive feedback.
56:51
Okay, we're good.
56:53
Versus now, and I make that point because we've all been Will Smith at some point where someone said something set you off and you weren't your best self.
57:04
Just to say, to keep it light.
57:07
Right.
57:08
Yeah, that's the top.
57:08
But it's not what people do to you.
57:10
It's how you hear it, and it's how you respond to it.
57:13
Yeah, the response is everything because now his life is tough.
57:17
It pays huge prices.
57:18
And by the way, I know who's been coaching him.
57:22
Jay Shetty was his coach.
57:24
He's a good guy.
57:25
Will's a good guy.
57:26
He just had a bad moment.
57:27
We've all been that.
57:28
We've all been Will Smith at some point.
57:30
Not just on that stage.
57:31
I mean, you know.
57:32
You're –
57:34
Again, I don't want to judge.
57:35
I love this book.
57:37
And then through the whole book, not one part of it was talking about his wife.
57:41
I was like, wait a minute.
57:42
Why is it?
57:43
That was obviously a very sensitive topic.
57:46
I mean, we all know what happened there, but that's a great life lesson.
57:51
It's a great lesson, but it's a lesson that we can all relate to because we've all had that moment where someone crossed the line with us and we felt we had to retaliate.
58:02
That's what causes wars.
58:05
If we could learn to take accountability for our interpretations, that will shift everything.
58:10
That truly is power.
58:12
Power is not reacting.
58:14
Power is choosing interpretation that empowers me.
58:17
Cause you're the real deal that I've interviewed 330 people and I've never been more in awe than I am now.
58:24
Thank you.
58:25
I am like, I'm going to go back and listen to this.
58:28
Oh, there's so many one liners.
58:30
I'm not gonna have to tell anybody to share this.
58:31
This is, it's beautiful.
58:33
You're a beautiful human being.
58:35
Is there a way that I wake up feeling gratitude and I am not expressing it and not embodying it.
58:41
Oh, I think I just answered my question.
58:43
I'm not embodying it.
58:44
Um,
58:46
How do I express it then and become it, as you said, become it?
58:51
How does that happen?
58:52
By choosing to express it.
58:56
So being thankful for the person that serves you coffee, being thankful for the person that's interviewing you, give away a hug, give a smile.
59:04
I'm so blessed to be here.
59:06
I'm grateful to be in your space.
59:08
then I project this energy that people want to be around.
59:11
I can't, you know, you can't die with a secret of gratitude and like, oh, I'm gratitude on the inside or I'm loving on the inside.
59:18
I feel a lot of love.
59:20
Love is not love until you give it away.
59:22
Gratitude is not gratitude until you share it.
59:24
The more you share it, the more it's real, which is why it's real for me.
59:29
I love people.
59:30
I'm in love with people.
59:31
I'm in love with humanity.
59:32
I'm grateful for being here.
59:33
I feel so lucky.
59:35
I'm like that song, I Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith.
59:39
You know, the one that goes, I don't want to close my eyes.
59:42
I don't want to go to sleep because I don't want to miss a thing.
59:45
I feel that way about life.
59:46
I don't want to miss this.
59:47
And I'm very aware that I'm going to die.
59:50
And I think that that's something that people need to wake up to.
59:53
You're going to die.
59:54
And so the question is, what do you want to do before you go?
59:58
And if you look at life from the end, looking to the present, then you're going to make life, live life with urgency and live life with joy and live life with passion, which is to me, not negotiable.
1:00:10
Beautiful.
1:00:11
We're going to end on that.
1:00:12
Momento Mori is what that's called.
1:00:13
We're all going to die, guys.
1:00:14
Live your life.
1:00:15
Intentionally.
1:00:16
Very important.
1:00:17
Intention's so cool.
1:00:18
All right, well, let's start rapid fire there.
1:00:20
Your intentional word right now.
1:00:23
Love.
1:00:24
Faith or discipline, which comes first?
1:00:26
Faith.
1:00:27
Hardest person to forgive, yourself or someone else?
1:00:29
Self.
1:00:30
Journal or phone call when you're in a breakdown?
1:00:34
Both.
1:00:34
One song that gets you through anything?
1:00:37
Can't Stop Me Now, Queen.
1:00:39
I thought it was gonna be Let It Go.
1:00:42
Puerto Rico or New York?
1:00:44
Puerto Rico.
1:00:44
Puerto Rico.
1:00:45
Finish this sentence.
1:00:46
A breakdown is blessing.
1:00:51
Guys, this has been my most favorite.
1:00:55
Oh my God.
1:00:56
That's amazing.
1:00:58
Chris, you were the real deal.
1:01:00
I'm so sorry, but you're going to be stuck with me for the rest of your life.
1:01:02
Please share this until next week.
1:01:04
Be harder than life.
1:01:06
Please rate and share this podcast.
1:01:07
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1:01:11
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1:01:18
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1:01:26
Until next week, be harder than life.