Latest / The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast / 313. Why One Mistake Can Ruin the Whole Moment | The Perfectionism Pattern

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313. Why One Mistake Can Ruin the Whole Moment | The Perfectionism Pattern · The Kathie Owen Perspective Podcast

• 0:00
  Have you ever done something really well and then spent the next hour thinking about the one thing you did wrong?
• 0:08
  Maybe you gave a presentation.
• 0:10
  People smiled, they listened.
• 0:12
  Someone even came up afterward and told you how much they enjoyed it.
• 0:17
  But you, you're thinking about the sentence you stumbled over.
• 0:21
  You remember that awkward pause, or the moment you forgot what you were going to say.
• 0:26
  Everybody else saw the whole performance.
• 0:29
  You saw the ball you dropped.
• 0:31
  Welcome to the circus.
• 0:33
  Today, we're talking about another character in human patterns under pressure, the juggler.
• 0:39
  Welcome to the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 0:42
  My name is Kathie Owen.
• 0:44
  I study human patterns under pressure, the things we do when life gets uncomfortable, uncertain, or when we feel like all eyes are on us.
• 0:53
  I've spent decades studying human behavior, psychology, leadership, fitness, personal development, and what happens to us when pressure enters the room.
• 1:04
  I'm also the author of Human Patterns Under Pressure, where I use the characters of the circus to make these patterns easier to see.
• 1:12
  Because that's really what my work is about: not judging the pattern, not trying to get rid of ourselves, but learning to observe what we're doing while we're doing it.
• 1:22
  Because observation creates awareness, awareness creates choice, and once we have choice, we have possibilities.
• 1:30
  So today, we're stepping back into the circus to meet the juggler, and the juggler represents perfectionism.
• 1:39
  Think about a juggler in a circus.
• 1:41
  At first, there are three balls, then four, then five.
• 1:44
  The juggler keeps them moving.
• 1:46
  Everything is going beautifully, then one hits the floor.
• 1:50
  What happens?
• 1:52
  The audience probably doesn't care.
• 1:54
  They might even clap when the juggler picks it up and keeps going.
• 1:57
  But inside the juggler's mind, that one ball dropped can become the entire performance.
• 2:04
  "I shouldn't have done that.
• 2:06
  I knew better.
• 2:07
  I should have practiced more.
• 2:09
  Everybody saw that.
• 2:11
  What are they going to think?" And suddenly, we're not talking about juggling anymore.
• 2:16
  We're talking about what the dropped ball means.
• 2:22
  That is where perfectionism gets interesting.
• 2:26
  I don't think perfectionism is simply wanting everything to be perfect.
• 2:30
  Sometimes it looks like nothing like that.
• 2:33
  It can look like rewriting an email five times.
• 2:37
  It can look like preparing way too much for a conversation.
• 2:41
  It can look like not posting something because you don't think it's ready.
• 2:45
  It can look like walking away from a meeting and replaying everything you said, or standing in front of an audience and wondering,"What are they thinking about me?" That's an important one.
• 2:59
  I was talking with someone recently who is beginning to speak in front of audiences, and she told me she is afraid of being judged.
• 3:07
  She's afraid of people looking at her.
• 3:09
  I understand that because when you stand in front of a room, people are looking at you.
• 3:15
  That's kind of the deal.
• 3:18
  And I don't know that we ever completely eliminate the awareness that someone might judge us.
• 3:23
  Someone probably will.
• 3:25
  Someone may not like your presentation.
• 3:27
  Someone may not like your voice, your clothes, your message, your personality.
• 3:32
  Someone may decide they don't like you before you finish your first sentence.
• 3:38
  But here's what can change.
• 3:40
  You begin to realize how small that judgment actually is.
• 3:46
  Someone's opinion can feel enormous when you're standing under the spotlight, but step back.
• 3:51
  Look at the whole circus.
• 3:52
  Look at your whole life.
• 3:54
  That person's opinion is one tiny moment, one ball, and we give that one ball far more importance than it deserves.
• 4:05
  There's another distinction I wanna make.
• 4:08
  I don't think wanting to do something well is a problem.
• 4:11
  I like doing things well.
• 4:13
  Preparation matters.
• 4:15
  Practice matters.
• 4:16
  Learning matters.
• 4:17
  Excellence matters.
• 4:18
  But excellence and perfectionism are not the same thing.
• 4:23
  Excellence says,"I want to do this well." Perfectionism says,"I need to get this right." Excellence leaves room for being human.
• 4:33
  Perfectionism often doesn't, and that's where pressure starts building because now I'm not simply giving a presentation, I need everyone to like the presentation.
• 4:45
  I'm not simply writing an article, it has to be the right article.
• 4:50
  I'm not simply having a conversation, I need to say everything correctly.
• 4:56
  I'm not simply learning, I'm trying not to make a mistake.
• 5:01
  Do you feel the difference?
• 5:03
  The juggler isn't just juggling balls anymore.
• 5:06
  The juggler is juggling expectations.
• 5:11
  Now, imagine an actual juggler standing on stage.
• 5:14
  Five balls are moving through the air, and instead of getting into the rhythm, the juggler starts thinking,"Don't drop it.
• 5:20
  Don't drop it.
• 5:20
  Don't drop it." What do you think happens?
• 5:23
  The body tightens, attention narrows, the rhythm changes.
• 5:28
  The juggler becomes so focused on preventing the mistake that it becomes harder to perform naturally.
• 5:34
  That happens to us, too.
• 5:37
  We can become so concerned about doing something correctly that we lose our presence while we're doing it.
• 5:44
  We're no longer in the conversation.
• 5:46
  We're monitoring ourselves in the conversation.
• 5:49
  We're no longer giving the speech.
• 5:51
  Part of us is giving the speech while another part is standing off to the side asking,"How am I doing?" That's freaking exhausting, and it takes us out of the moment.
• 6:05
  And here's something else I've noticed about these human patterns under pressure.
• 6:09
  They don't always work alone.
• 6:11
  Remember the lion tamer?
• 6:12
  We talked about it the other day.
• 6:14
  I will link to that video in the show notes and description below.
• 6:18
  The lion tamer represents criticism.
• 6:21
  So imagine this, the juggler drops a ball, and the lion tamer immediately walks into the ring.
• 6:27
  "Crack.
• 6:28
  You should have known better.
• 6:29
  Crack.
• 6:30
  Why did you say that?
• 6:31
  Crack.
• 6:33
  You weren't prepared enough.
• 6:34
  Crack.
• 6:35
  Everybody noticed." The juggler creates the impossible standard, and then the lion tamer punishes us when we don't meet it.
• 6:44
  That's quite a circus.
• 6:46
  And sometimes all that happened was we made a typo, we forgot a word, we asked an awkward question, we said something we wish we'd said differently.
• 6:55
  We were human for approximately 12 seconds, and our mind turned it into a three-act courtroom drama.
• 7:05
  This is where the observer enters.
• 7:08
  The observer doesn't run into the circus and try to grab all the balls.
• 7:12
  The observer watches.
• 7:13
  What actually happened?
• 7:15
  I forgot part of my speech.
• 7:17
  Okay.
• 7:18
  What else?
• 7:20
  People were still listening.
• 7:22
  Okay.
• 7:23
  What else?
• 7:24
  I finished.
• 7:26
  Okay.
• 7:27
  What else?
• 7:29
  Someone told me afterward that they enjoyed it.
• 7:32
  Interesting.
• 7:34
  Now compare that with the story.
• 7:37
  I completely blew the presentation.
• 7:40
  Those are two different things.
• 7:43
  The observer helps us separate what happened from what we made it mean.
• 7:49
  Observation creates awareness, awareness creates choice, and choice gives us possibilities.
• 7:56
  Maybe I practice that section more next time.
• 8:00
  Maybe I ask for feedback.
• 8:01
  Maybe I change something.
• 8:03
  Maybe I laugh.
• 8:05
  Maybe I do absolutely nothing.
• 8:07
  But I get to choose.
• 8:11
  Here's the image I want you to remember.
• 8:13
  Imagine a juggler with five balls still moving beautifully through the air and one ball sitting on the floor.
• 8:20
  Where does the perfectionist look?
• 8:22
  At the floor.
• 8:24
  That's what perfectionism can do.
• 8:26
  Five things went well, one didn't, and we stare at the one.
• 8:31
  But the observer can see the entire thing.
• 8:34
  Yes, there's a ball on the floor, and there are still five in the air.
• 8:39
  Both things are true.
• 8:40
  That is perspective.
• 8:44
  So here's a question worth asking yourself.
• 8:47
  What am I afraid will happen if I drop the ball?
• 8:50
  Don't rush to answer it.
• 8:52
  Just observe.
• 8:53
  Maybe you're afraid someone will judge you.
• 8:55
  Maybe you're afraid someone will be disappointed.
• 8:58
  Maybe you're afraid you'll look incompetent.
• 9:00
  Maybe you're afraid you'll disappoint yourself.
• 9:03
  Maybe you don't know.
• 9:06
  That's okay, too.
• 9:07
  Because two people can display the exact same behavior for completely different reasons, we don't need to immediately diagnose it.
• 9:16
  We can observe it.
• 9:18
  That's enough And there's something I've learned lately about getting older, learning, speaking, creating, working, and just being a human being.
• 9:27
  Some balls can drop.
• 9:29
  They really can.
• 9:30
  Somebody might judge you.
• 9:32
  You might say the wrong thing.
• 9:33
  You might make a mistake.
• 9:35
  You might publish something and later realize you would write it differently today.
• 9:40
  You might give a speech and think,"I coulda done that better." And maybe you could have, but look at the size of that moment compared with the size of your life.
• 9:49
  We make some of these moments enormous, and they're not.
• 9:52
  They're one ball, one moment, one day, one opinion, one mistake, one awkward sentence.
• 9:59
  The juggler under pressure thinks,"I cannot drop this." The observer can say,"There it goes," and then decide what to do next.
• 10:10
  I don't think the answer is to stop caring.
• 10:13
  I don't want to stop caring about doing good work.
• 10:16
  I don't want to stop learning.
• 10:18
  I don't want to stop preparing.
• 10:20
  I don't wanna stop improving, and I don't think we have to become completely immune to judgment.
• 10:26
  The goal isn't,"I don't care what anybody thinks." The shift is much quieter than that.
• 10:33
  Their opinion doesn't have to become bigger than my own presence.
• 10:37
  The mistake doesn't have to become bigger than the whole performance, and the dropped ball doesn't have to erase everything still in the air.
• 10:46
  That's where perfectionism begins to loosen, not because we become perfect, but because we stop requiring perfection before we allow ourselves to keep going.
• 10:58
  So the next time you catch yourself replaying something, rewriting it, checking it, trying to make sure nobody could possibly criticize it, or staring at the one thing you wish you'd done differently, picture the juggler.
• 11:11
  Then look down.
• 11:13
  Is there actually a disaster happening, or is there simply one little ball sitting on the floor?
• 11:19
  Pick it up if you need to, learn from it if there's something to learn, or leave it there and keep going.
• 11:26
  Because there is a whole circus happening around you, and you don't wanna miss your life because you're staring at one dropped ball.
• 11:35
  And I'll leave you with one question to take with you.
• 11:38
  What am I making bigger than it actually is because I'm afraid of dropping the ball?
• 11:44
  Don't judge your answer.
• 11:45
  Don't immediately try to fix it.
• 11:47
  Just notice.
• 11:49
  You might be surprised by what you see.
• 11:51
  And if you'd like to explore this idea a little further, I create a companion blog post for every episode of the Kathie Owen Perspective podcast.
• 12:00
  You'll find the link to this- in the show notes or description, and I'll also put it in the first comment on YouTube.
• 12:07
  And remember, the juggler is only one character in this circus because sometimes we don't try harder when pressure hits.
• 12:14
  Sometimes we do something very different, and that's the pattern we're gonna look at next.
• 12:20
  Until then, observe what you notice.
• 12:23
  You don't have to fix every pattern you see.
• 12:26
  Sometimes seeing it changes more than you think.