Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #56 The Spawn of Satan

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#56 The Spawn of Satan · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coilson.
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  Speaker 1: My name is Susie Luke. My husband is in the
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  Speaker 1: studio as well. We are a husband and wife radio
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  Speaker 1: team with three young boys and this podcast is for
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  Speaker 1: the time poor parent who just wants answers now.
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  Speaker 2: So there are some questions that come through to the
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  Speaker 2: show that we go yeah, they're nice questions, and there
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  Speaker 2: are some that really capture an emotional sense of what
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  Speaker 2: the person was feeling at the time where they wrote it.
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  Speaker 2: And this is this next topic we're going to deal
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  Speaker 2: with is one of those.
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  Speaker 1: Yes. It came through from Luray and she said, why
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  Speaker 1: do six slash seven year old girls switch from being
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  Speaker 1: sweet things too? I'm just going to paraphrase and say
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  Speaker 1: not so sweet things?
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  Speaker 3: No one, she said, the spawn of safe.
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  Speaker 1: That's right, doctor Justin Coilson from heavy Families dot Com.
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  Speaker 1: But are you this is out of our realm. We
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  Speaker 1: don't have girls. We have three young boys also out.
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  Speaker 4: Of my realm.
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  Speaker 1: What can we say about young girls these days?
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  Speaker 2: You sound like such an old persons.
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  Speaker 4: Oh young girls.
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  Speaker 1: See, I've got friends with daughters and our kids are
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  Speaker 1: in that early primary school age and it seems to
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  Speaker 1: me that I'm constantly having the same conversation with moms
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  Speaker 1: of girls, and that is why are they already so
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  Speaker 1: conscious of their body? They're five years old? And yet
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  Speaker 1: and then this question from the ray, why do they
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  Speaker 1: go from being so sweet?
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  Speaker 2: Ultimate question, why are women so complicated?
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  Speaker 4: Go for it?
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  Speaker 3: Justin I've got six daughters and I don't know where
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  Speaker 3: to start now. This is such a big, big question.
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  Speaker 3: I don't think that it's necessarily the age of six
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  Speaker 3: or seven. Every child develops differently, Every child goes through
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  Speaker 3: different things at different times. Some parents are probably listening
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  Speaker 3: going am like, kids were fine at six, that was
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  Speaker 3: the dream age. It was when they became eleven or
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  Speaker 3: thirteen or two, Yeah, got really complicated. So it's kind
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  Speaker 3: of a bit of a tricky one. But I guess
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  Speaker 3: there's a whole handful of different things that we could
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  Speaker 3: look at. Let's talk about that whole body image thing,
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  Speaker 3: because you brought it up, Luke. I think that I
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  Speaker 3: think that if we are letting our kids watch a
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  Speaker 3: whole heap of media, then we should not be surprised
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  Speaker 3: when they start trying to emulate what they see. We
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  Speaker 3: set an example for them as well, we're the number
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  Speaker 3: one example. And if we're constantly preening in the mirror,
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  Speaker 3: if we're spending if we're spending money on our physical
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  Speaker 3: appearance beyond what would be considered what's the word that
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  Speaker 3: I can use that's polite. We want to make sure
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  Speaker 3: that we look good. We need that that's appropriate. I
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  Speaker 3: think that we're in a society where we need to
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  Speaker 3: take pride in our appearance. But if we're out there
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  Speaker 3: and really investing significant amounts of time and money on
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  Speaker 3: various enhancements, and if our children are watching our example,
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  Speaker 3: then we're going to see changes in them. They're going
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  Speaker 3: to have self worth issues because they're watching us have
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  Speaker 3: self worth issues. And that's where the body image stuff
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  Speaker 3: comes from. Our example and what they're seeing in the media,
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  Speaker 3: on the TV, on the internet, and thirdly, what's happening
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  Speaker 3: with their friends at school and how much they're talking
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  Speaker 3: about it. They're all watching those video clips and seeing
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  Speaker 3: the girls shake their booty and next to nothing. They're
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  Speaker 3: going to think that that's what a woman is for,
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  Speaker 3: that's how a girl should be. Other behavioral changes, Yeah, Look,
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  Speaker 3: it's kind of tricky, you know. Sometimes there's just stuff
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  Speaker 3: going on in the environment, maybe there's an upset at
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  Speaker 3: school or an upset in the family. You can typically
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  Speaker 3: bet that if a child is behaving in a challenging way,
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  Speaker 3: that they have got some sort of a need that
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  Speaker 3: is not being met, and if we can focus on
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  Speaker 3: meeting that need, we're going to find that things improve
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  Speaker 3: out of sight. Give you a couple of really simple examples.
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  Speaker 3: I can't tell you how many parents I've worked with
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  Speaker 3: one on one who have told me that their children
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  Speaker 3: are out of control. And after we've talked about things
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  Speaker 3: for a little bit, I've made a suggestion that, well,
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  Speaker 3: why don't you just go and I don't know, go
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  Speaker 3: camping with them for the weekend and get rid of
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  Speaker 3: devices and just disappear off the grid for a weekend.
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  Speaker 3: And they've come back at the end of that weekend
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  Speaker 3: and said, my child is a different child, as they've
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  Speaker 3: transformed back into the child they once were. Maybe it's
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  Speaker 3: about super Saturdays, you know. I read something the other day.
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  Speaker 3: If there's fifty two Saturdays in each year, and our
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  Speaker 3: children are with us until they're eighteen, we have about
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  Speaker 3: nine hundred and twenty saturdays with them before they're gone.
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  Speaker 3: Oh I'll let that sink in for a set. You've
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  Speaker 3: got your kids with you for about nine hundred and
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  Speaker 3: twenty saturdays before they're gone. Now, you're going to lose
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  Speaker 3: a whole bunch of those Saturdays in the first year
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  Speaker 3: because you've got a brand new baby that you can't
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  Speaker 3: do much with. But then once they get to about six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,
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  Speaker 3: you start to lose them to Saturday sports and two friends.
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  Speaker 3: And then they get in their teen years, they get
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  Speaker 3: a job. Nine hundred and twenty saturdays is not a lot,
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  Speaker 3: especially once you start crossing off all the ones where
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  Speaker 3: they're not going to be available. And I think that
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  Speaker 3: if you're having a hard time with your child who
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  Speaker 3: is turning into something that you don't want them to be,
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  Speaker 3: look at the relationship, look at how much time you're investing,
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  Speaker 3: and find a Saturday or Friday night, or and every
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  Speaker 3: night when you tuck him into bed, when you squeeze
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  Speaker 3: their leg and tell them that you love them, give
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  Speaker 3: him that hug, singing that song, say that little prayer
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  Speaker 3: with them, read them that story. Whatever it is that
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  Speaker 3: you do at nighttime, turn it into a real nurturing time.
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  Speaker 3: You know, the kids act up most of the time
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  Speaker 3: because there's a relationship need that's not being met.
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  Speaker 1: Is The Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, as
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  Speaker 1: we talk about the difficult years with young girls more next.
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  Speaker 4: Family life is pretty tough going sometimes most days are
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  Speaker 4: a struggle between strong willed children and frazzled parents. And
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  Speaker 4: while no parent wakes up in the morning saying today's
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  Speaker 4: the day I'm going to ruin everyone's lives, it sometimes
• 5:45
  Speaker 4: feels like that by the end of the day. Twenty
• 5:47
  Speaker 4: one Days to a Happier Family is the number one
• 5:49
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• 5:53
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• 5:55
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  Speaker 3: Now.
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  Speaker 4: The book is also available as an online video course.
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  Speaker 4: In the program, you'll find specific strategies to help you
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  Speaker 4: be at your best, evidence based ideas to strengthen your
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• 6:11
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• 6:15
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• 6:19
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• 6:25
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  Speaker 4: Get it now from Happyfamilies dot com dot au.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, Luke
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  Speaker 1: and Susie with you here. Also, as we discuss the
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  Speaker 1: time when young girls turn from little princesses into the
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  Speaker 1: sporns of satan.
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  Speaker 2: We had a experience with one of our boys recently
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  Speaker 2: this isn't a girl thing, this is a boy thing,
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  Speaker 2: where suddenly his behavior and his attitude just changed and
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  Speaker 2: he became defiant, and he became and he started to
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  Speaker 2: act out with tantrums much like you would expect from
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  Speaker 2: a child with autism, and having one of those episodes,
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  Speaker 2: and we were really confused by way suddenly this was happening,
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  Speaker 2: and we wrote down three different theories. One was, Okay,
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  Speaker 2: we've got to have a look at his diet. Is
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  Speaker 2: he being amped up a little bit too much? Is
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  Speaker 2: he seeing some kids at school acting this way? And
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  Speaker 2: is he just maybe just you know, mimicking and mirroring
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  Speaker 2: what he's seeing with them getting attention? Are we not
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  Speaker 2: actually just giving him enough attention? Is accidentally are we
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  Speaker 2: neglecting his needs in some way. So we set about
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  Speaker 2: making adjustments to these to see what happens, and after
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  Speaker 2: a few days of real definant behavior, we suddenly we
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  Speaker 2: had some good results and we had some great time
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  Speaker 2: with him, And it was just this weekend where it
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  Speaker 2: was his breakthrough. And then I realized I'm the worst
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  Speaker 2: researcher and scientist ever because then on Monday, everything kicked
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  Speaker 2: back in to this defiant behavior and I went, oh, okay,
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  Speaker 2: so is it school? I went, hang on a second,
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  Speaker 2: he just had a nice donut. Oh wait, just a second,
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  Speaker 2: I have it wasn't really paid. Everything that we had
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  Speaker 2: as a theory just suddenly came back.
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  Speaker 4: Oh.
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  Speaker 2: I've got no idea as to what it is. But
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  Speaker 2: we've had this defiant attitude kicking and I think we've
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  Speaker 2: got through it now, but we still have no idea
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  Speaker 2: particularly what it was that caused it.
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  Speaker 3: So there's two other really important needs that stand aside
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  Speaker 3: from a relationships that could be doing it. So it
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  Speaker 3: might be a relationship at school, there could be something
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  Speaker 3: going on relationally. If it's not at home, it might
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  Speaker 3: be there. But there's also a need that we have
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  Speaker 3: for control of our own lives. We call it a
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  Speaker 3: need for autonomy, and you'll often get a lot of defiant,
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  Speaker 3: challenging behavior when the kids are saying, well, hang on,
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  Speaker 3: all you ever do is tell me what to do.
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  Speaker 3: Not only is our relationship suffering, but I don't get
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  Speaker 3: any choice in my life. I get told what time
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  Speaker 3: to wake up, I get told what to wear every day.
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  Speaker 3: I get told what I can have for lunch. I
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  Speaker 3: get told what I have to do from nine till three.
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  Speaker 3: I come home and you tell me what to do
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  Speaker 3: for the next four hours until I go to But
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  Speaker 3: I don't get to choose. I mean, I don't want
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  Speaker 3: to romanticize it too much. But when I was a kid,
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  Speaker 3: I came home from school, I jumped on my bike
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  Speaker 3: and I rode the streets with my mate Andy, and
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  Speaker 3: we hung out at the park and we did dumb
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  Speaker 3: stuff like throwing rocks at all sorts of things that
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  Speaker 3: we shouldn't have thrown things rocks at, and we just
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  Speaker 3: kind of played and hung out. And then when I
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  Speaker 3: was a teenager, I'd catch the bus to the beach
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  Speaker 3: and I'd hang out of the beach. Kids don't get
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  Speaker 3: to do that sort of stuff today. They just don't.
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  Speaker 3: They don't have the same control, they don't have the
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  Speaker 3: same autonomy we hold it all. We get a lot
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  Speaker 3: of defiant behavior from that. So it could be that
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  Speaker 3: he just wants to wrestle some control back. And the
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  Speaker 3: third thing is and I don't think that that's the
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  Speaker 3: case in either of you know, either the lady who
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  Speaker 3: sent us the message or on your case. But there's
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  Speaker 3: this other need that we have where we just want
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  Speaker 3: to be better at stuff, we just want to master things.
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  Speaker 3: And when when this need for competence is frustrated, we
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  Speaker 3: lose motivation, our well being drops, we become hard to handle.
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  Speaker 3: I mean, we've all had those days where we just
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  Speaker 3: don't seem to figure out. We can't figure out how
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  Speaker 3: to do that thing at work, or we can't figure
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  Speaker 3: out how to do that thing as a parent, and
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  Speaker 3: we become demotivated. And sometimes we look at ourselves or
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  Speaker 3: at one another and we say, I just can't do this,
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  Speaker 3: I can't figure it out, I've got no idea, I'm
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  Speaker 3: not motivated, I feel lousy, I'm failing, and we act
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  Speaker 3: in unhelpful ways as well. So those are the three
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  Speaker 3: big ones relationships competence and autonomy and if we can
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  Speaker 3: meet those needs, we'll find that our children will typically
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  Speaker 3: be happy and healthy and motivated.
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  Speaker 2: So we don't have to assume that there's going to
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  Speaker 2: be this attitude switch, like if that's not necessary. Even
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  Speaker 2: if it's normal, because it happens a lot, it's not
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  Speaker 2: normal as in it has to know that's right.
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  Speaker 3: Just because as normal doesn't mean we should accept it
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  Speaker 3: as appropriate. Yeah, you know, kids are going to rebel,
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  Speaker 3: kids are going to push against us. That's normal, That's
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  Speaker 3: what children do. And at that point we sit back
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  Speaker 3: and we say, well, is a principle that I've got
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  Speaker 3: to stand firm on or is it a preference that
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  Speaker 3: I've gotten? Can I can I shift it a little bit?
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  Speaker 2: Isn't an interesting line I think about it. I saw
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  Speaker 2: this on someone a friend's Facebook post recently, where they
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  Speaker 2: were telling a story about their young daughter, and I
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  Speaker 2: would imagine if you put these two stories of this
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  Speaker 2: message and this post together, and the story was this
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  Speaker 2: young six year old girl whose response was what was
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  Speaker 2: described as sass, and I would just imagine there's this
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  Speaker 2: very thin line where on one side it's sas on
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  Speaker 2: the other side it's attitude. And we laugh and we
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  Speaker 2: think it's cute the sass, and then when it becomes
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  Speaker 2: the spawn, it's not funny anymore.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, that's exactly it.
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  Speaker 1: You know.
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  Speaker 3: I laugh when I look at my kids and how
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  Speaker 3: much they give sass, an attitude and everything associated with it,
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  Speaker 3: and I just think to myself, man, this is this
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  Speaker 3: is hard work. Like it's just it's extremely hard work
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  Speaker 3: to be a parent. But when we when we stay patient,
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  Speaker 3: when we have the private victories within ourselves, it's incredible
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  Speaker 3: how empowering that feels as a parent. Absolutely so, if
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  Speaker 3: you've got a child who has got all that sass
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  Speaker 3: or that attitude, all of that drama that we've described,
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  Speaker 3: what matters is not so much what they do, but
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  Speaker 3: what you do, because if you can hold it together
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  Speaker 3: as a parent, you'll feel better about yourself, which means
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  Speaker 3: you'll do a better job with them.
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  Speaker 1: Beautiful all ray. We hope that answers your question a
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  Speaker 1: little bit. When it comes to six to seven year
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  Speaker 1: old and your sweet little thing returns thanks for the question.
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  Speaker 1: Dr Dustin calls them from Happy Families dot Com that
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  Speaker 1: I you thank you as well for addressing it.
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  Speaker 3: And if all that love doesn't work, just give her
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  Speaker 3: a donut.
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  Speaker 2: Hand her over to the grandparents. The more info on
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  Speaker 2: parenting DVD's books, online courses, you can go to Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families dot com dot you or to book Justin Curlson
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: to speak at one of your events, then go to
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: Justinpurlson dot com