Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / What happens WHEN YOU GO BACK to a narcissist?

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What happens WHEN YOU GO BACK to a narcissist? · The Mental Healness Podcast

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  What is going on, beautiful people?
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  Today we're going to be talking about what happens if you go
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  back to a narcissist, what happens to you and what goes on
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  inside the mind of a narcissist if and when you go back to them.
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  If you're new here, my name is Lee Hammond.
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  I'm a self aware narcissist and welcome to another episode of
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  The Narcissist Code. So boom, welcome back, welcome
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  back, welcome back, folks, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, y'all
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  narcissist. What happens if you go back?
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  What happens if you take your happy ass back to the toxicity?
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  What happens with what goes on a so before it happened to today's
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  episode, y'all make sure that you hit that subscribe button
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  and turn on no notifications. If this channel, if you're
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  interested, you know, if you like it, you want to support the
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  channel, subscribe. Thank you so much.
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  But yes, what happens when you go back to a narcissist?
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  Like first of all, narcissistic people like are always looking
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  for ways to avoid shame, to get rid of the shame that they feel
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  for whatever they have done to you to make you leave.
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  Right? When you go back to a
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  narcissist, in their minds, the shame is like you're vacuum.
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  It's like you are vacuuming up the shame and taking it away.
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  Because if you come back to me, it's clearing me up.
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  It's validating that I was right in my behaviors or, or, or that
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  my behaviors were not as bad as you made them out to be because
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  you made my behaviors out bad, not me, not I.
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  It's like you made my behaviors out to be worse than they were.
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  Because think about it right here.
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  If my behaviors are so bad, then why did you come back?
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  So the fact that you've came back to me, this shows me that
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  my behaviors are not as bad as you made them out to be.
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  So thank you very much. That's the mind of a narcissist
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  right there. Then what happens when you go
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  back? That's why a lot of times when
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  you go back, it might be good at first, but then it gets worse.
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  Then it gets worse because now they feel like they can do
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  whatever they want to do. Now they feel like they have a
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  new baseline of the relationship.
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  Now they feel like they can do and say whatever they want to do
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  and say because they feel a certain type of way about it,
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  right? They feel like this is how it
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  goes. Like, OK, oh, like you forgave
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  me. You came back so I'm not as bad
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  as I thought I was. Thank you for absolving me of
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  all the stuff that I feel inside.
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  There it go right there. That's the mindset, that's the
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  mentality. That's how narcissist minds work
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  right there. It really is.
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  So I've been, I've been trying to help, help people out.
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  I try to hope, hope that people you know, see and feel and
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  understand what they're going through.
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  But like, when you go back, this is how narcissists feel.
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  They feel like, OK, cool, I'm good, I'm fine.
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  I'm not as bad as they made me out to be, right?
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  But on the other hand, on the other side of things, you in
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  your mind and survivor's mind, you might feel good at first,
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  right? Because the pain of the trauma
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  bond is so tough, right? So many people understand that
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  the pain of that trauma bond is damn near it.
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  It's, it's devastating. It feels like you're hooked on
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  drugs. And when you leave this person
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  and you, you go no contact with this person, you're, the
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  relationship is over. They broke up with you.
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  However it ended, you are just feeling horrible.
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  You're like I'm hurting. I'm can't breathe, I can't talk,
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  I can't see straight. I can't eat or I'm eating too
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  much. I don't want to get out of bed.
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  I just can't calm down. I miss this person so much.
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  I feel like I'm dying inside. So it's just like you need a hit
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  of your drug and a narcissistic person has become your drug of
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  choice. They are your drug of choice in
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  this situation right here, like narcissism, the drug of choice
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  and you just like you sniff it up, you inhale it.
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  Damn there. You might want to, you know how
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  people take it. Might narcissism might be a a
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  damn Suppository for you right now.
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  You might take it, take it that way just to get it into your
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  system. You know what I mean?
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  That's how it feels to a lot of times it feels like he's just
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  breaking an addiction and like you just shivering and shaking
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  and cold. I need more blankets.
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  I need less blankets, whatever it is.
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  So when you go back, you might feel good at first.
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  You get your hit, you get your high, they talk to you.
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  You're feeling good, you're feeling decent, right?
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  You're like, thank goodness the pain is gone.
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  But guess what happens? That goes away.
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  That goes away as well. You got your just like doing a
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  regular drug I reckon, like you got your hit, but their high
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  goes away and you realize you're back in the toxicity again
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  because their behaviors go back to normal.
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  See if you don't believe me, see Part 1 of the video.
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  I talk about how narcissists feel their behaviors go back to
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  normal or they get progressively worse.
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  And now you feel bad again. Now you feel bad again.
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  Now you're angry at yourself. Now you're angry at them.
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  Now you feel down and out. So you eat.
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  Now you're in a dark place again.
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  Now you're not eating, now you're not, now you're not like
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  So you you feeling the same way, the same side effects.
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  So guess what happens in order to feel better, you leave or you
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  get discarded again. And I guess what happens, you
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  feel good at first and then you start feeling bad again.
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  Like Oh my goodness, the drugs I need, I need another hit.
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  I need another hit. So you go back again.
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  That's what the cycle. And the more times you go back,
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  a lot of times the more addicted you get, the more hit, the the
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  hit you need and the more times you go back, the the chances of
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  you risking things that are going to trap you there forever.
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  Getting babies, getting sick, getting unalive, they're going
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  like that type of stuff right there.
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  It can't happen. It becomes it, it becomes the
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  opportunity arises that this type of stuff can happen.
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  And so that's why I'm trying to protect somebody in these
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  situations right here, right? That's what I'm just trying to
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  do, trying to tell people that this is a possibility.
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  When you go back, you're going to feel like you're breaking a
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  drug addiction. And like I said, when you leave,
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  you hurt. When you go back, you hurt.
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  Going back hurts. That's going to continue to
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  hurt. Leaving that pain can subside.
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  That's why I tell people, just like you can fight through the
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  pain of being hurt when they're gone, when they when you are
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  outside of the relationship, you can win.
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  You can break the trauma bond. But like I said, when you go
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  back, you might feel good at first, but at ours is the
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  person, they're going to feel great because they feel like
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  they've been validated completely.
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  They've been absolved of everything that you everything
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  that anybody has said that they've done wrong, they feel
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  absolved of it because that now the way the situation is going
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  now the way the way things have shaken out.
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  You came back regardless of how what happened, regardless of
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  what I've done. I got three kids on the way.
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  Cool, who cares? You came back to me.
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  I cheated and got pregnant by somebody else.
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  Who cool, who cares? You came back to me.
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  So you absolve me of my guilt. You absolve me of my regret.
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  You were absolve me of my remorse.
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  It doesn't mean I'm going to be a better person.
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  It just means that you absolve me of it.
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  So when what happens when you go back?
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  What happens when you continue to go back?
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  Another thing that happens when you go back, you keep you, you
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  tend to like and this, and this happens to a lot of people as
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  well. The more times you go back, the
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  more your support system starts to wane.
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  You know, the more people that they were rooting for you, the
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  more people that were supporting you, they started to kind of
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  like for them, like we were rooting for you, You know, the
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  Tyra, the Tyra Banks mean I was rooting for you.
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  We all were. That's the type of stuff that
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  happens right? There you were, they were
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  rooting for you and then stuff started to happen and they beat
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  you down, right? It mentally beats you down.
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  It emotionally beat you down. It physically beat you down.
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  This type of stuff happens. You know, as long as you tell
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  people in these situations, in these dynamics, in these
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  scenarios, like you're going to lose more than you gain in toxic
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  relationships. So what happens when you go
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  back? Your family and friends, you
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  might feel like they're abandoning you or they're
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  turning their back on you, but a lot of times they are just
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  choosing themselves because they hate to watch you do this.
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  They hate to they are you going back?
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  Are you going back? Oh, damn.
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  Well, if you go back again, I can't talk to you anymore.
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  What do you mean? I think you're not friends
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  anymore. I can't be around you while you
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  watch. I can't watch you destroy
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  yourself. I can't.
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  Why? Can't keep watching you do this
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  and you'll be sad. And guess what?
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  You still go back. And then their friend holds
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  their boundary and you don't. They don't talk to you anymore.
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  Your mom, your dad, your brother, your sister.
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  Whoever it is, they don't talk to you anymore.
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  Now you feel like you're super isolated with the narcissist,
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  right? Because nobody else is talking
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  to you but them and you can't complain to anybody else but
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  them. And you know, narcissist, they
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  don't want to hear that. What narcissist wants to hear
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  you complain to them about them? That doesn't make any sense.
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  What narcissist do you know on this planet, once they hear you
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  complain, complaining about them to them?
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  None. There's no, I can't.
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  I don't know one. I could.
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  Again, I could be mistaken. I don't know of a narcissist
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  that that wants that to happen. I absolutely do not.
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  So that's what I'm telling you. You have to start rooting for
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  yourself. You have to start rooting for
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  the victory within yourself. This is on you.
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  It falls on to you. You have to want to win.
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  You know, when you go back, you feel you.
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  And sometimes when you go back, you feel, you feel a lot of
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  shame too. When you go back to a
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  narcissist, you feel a lot of shame.
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  They feel pride the opposite. The more you go back, the more
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  shame you feel, the more pride a narcissist feels because they
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  like, damn, I look what I can look what I did.
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  I can get away from that. I'm just feel so strong, so
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  powerful. Look at all the stuff I put this
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  person through and they still came back to me.
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  Oh yeah, you feel ashamed. So guess what happens when this
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  what happens when you are feeling ashamed of going back?
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  You don't even tell your friends and family.
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  You go back. Now you're hiding your
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  relationship. Now you're hiding your
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  relationship because you feel so much shame because you went back
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  to the toxicity. And now if you told people you
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  weren't going to go back, you told people everything that you
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  were experiencing. You told people everything that
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  you were going through. And guess what happened?
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  It it, it started to go downhill and now you feel horrible.
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  Now you feel bad. You see what I'm saying that
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  what I'm saying like y'all can keep moving forward.
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  You can keep empowering yourself.
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  You can keep doing everything that you need to do, but you
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  keep having to take those steps. You absolutely do like you, you
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  can power yourself up because the more you go back, the harder
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  sometimes people like you know you.
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  I'm pretty sure that a lot of y'all have heard the phrase,
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  well, keep going back to keep going back until you get tired.
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  Keep going back until you just had until you had enough.
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  Sometimes that's what happens. It has to happen.
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  You keep going back until you get tired and just embarrassed
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  and ashamed enough that you like, I'm done.
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  But that could take decades. Imagine going decades, wasting
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  decades of your life going back to a relationship.
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  Did you, did you think they can? They can end at any moment.
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  Where's the peace? Where's the happiness?
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  Where's the joy in these situations?
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  You know, you have to pick, you have to choose in this
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  situation. You have to choose peace.
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  You have to pick peace. You have to pick joy in this
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  situation. You have to choose it.
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  It ain't going to come find you. You have to go seek it out.
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  Somebody had to seek out joy. You had to seek joy.
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  Where's joy? I got to go find it.
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  You know, you got to go find joy.
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  That's the crazy part about these situations right here.
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  Y'all, I'll be, I'll be rooting for all of you.
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  I really do be rooting for you. I'll really be rooting for you.
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  I want y'all to win so damn bad. It's kind of crazy how much I
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  want y'all to win. But you have to want yourself to
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  win more. You absolutely do.
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  You have to want yourself to win more than I want you to win,
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  because it it. Otherwise, then I'm rooting for
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  you more than you. You have to want to win because
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  the more you go back, the harder it is going to be for you to
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  win. Because you the more you go
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  back, the more kids you might have.
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  The more you go back, the more property you might buy, the more
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  loans you might get in your name, the more apartments you
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  might sign for them. You might cosign for a car.
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  The more you go back, the more that you feel like you're going
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  to have to do to prove yourself. Because the more you go back to
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  a narcissist, they make you prove yourself because they're
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  fear. Like if you are the one that
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  left the narcissist or even if they discarded you, sometimes
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  they always feel like you're going to leave again.
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  So they think you got 1 foot in and one one foot out the door.
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  So they're going to keep making you try to prove yourself to
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  them. You're going to have to prove
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  yourself. You want you, you want to be
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  here for good. You want to be here for real.
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  Show me, prove your prove yourself to me.
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  So not going to make you discard your friends and family.
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  Delete your best friend's number right now.
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  This is I've been friends with them for 30 years.
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  Delete it right now and get out of my house.
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  You delete that number, you block them.
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  You no longer in contact with your friends and family members.
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  I don't. I don't ever want you talking to
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  your mom again. But my mom's sick.
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  She only has a short time to live.
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  I don't care. Me or her.
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  You block your Mama. I hear y'all.
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  Believe me. This sounds.
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  This sounds outrageous. I've heard these situations
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  before. Yeah.
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  Believe me when I tell you this. I've talked to thousands of
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  survivors and thrivers over the last 3 1/2 years that I've been
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  doing my coaching calls. I've heard these type of
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  stories. I'm telling you what the type of
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  stuff that does happen. They make you prove your, they
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  make you prove yourself to them. They make you prove yourself to
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  them. And it sucks.
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  It sucks that to prove to yourself to somebody, prove your
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  love to somebody and they never will be enough.
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  They'll always ask for more because once you do one thing,
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  they feel like they can get you to do anything.
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  They'll always be making you want to prove yourself because
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  they then you're going to leave. I feel like you'll leave me
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  again. Prove yourself, prove yourself.
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  Give me a baby, marry me, buy this for me, sign this for me.
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  They make you they make sure that you get the tattoo by name
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  on your neck or your face. You said it works right there,
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  y'all. I want y'all to win so damn bad.
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  I really really do, but you have to choose.
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  You have to want yourself to win.
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• 13:26
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  Thank you so much for making it to the end of my video.
• 14:01
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  Thank you so much again. I will see you in the next
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