Latest / I Choose Me with Jennie Garth / Bonus content with Julie Benz

Transcript

Bonus content with Julie Benz · I Choose Me with Jennie Garth

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: You're listening to I Choose Me with Jenny Garland. Hey, everyone,
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: welcome back to I Choose Me. We are going to
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: jump back into my conversation with Julie Ben's. We ended
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: up connecting on something that so many people face, whether
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: or not to have children and what happens if things
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: don't go as planned. I love sitting down with people
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: and finding the parallels in our lives. Because my husband Dave,
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: and I tried to have kids as well. It didn't work. Yeah,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: I did the IVF yep. Did you try IVF?
• 0:38
  Speaker 2: Yes?
• 0:39
  Speaker 1: And how long did you try it? Because I was like,
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: I didn't do it for very long because I couldn't
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: handle it.
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: We did a handful of rounds. I mean when we
• 0:47
  Speaker 3: got married, I was forty, So when I got divorced
• 0:51
  Speaker 3: at thirty four, I knew possibly I was walking away
• 0:55
  Speaker 3: from my fertility. But I had tried in my late
• 0:59
  Speaker 3: twenties to get pregnant with my ex husband and it
• 1:02
  Speaker 3: didn't happen then, so I kind of knew that. I
• 1:06
  Speaker 3: started accepting the fact that it might not happen for me.
• 1:10
  Speaker 3: And I remember, like my both my obg y N
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: and my therapist at the time they wanted me to
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: freeze eggs, and they also wanted me to freeze embryos.
• 1:22
  Speaker 3: And I went through that whole process, and I went
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: through the whole like donor sperm questionnaire, like hair color,
• 1:32
  Speaker 3: eye color, he wait, like all the all the questions.
• 1:36
  Speaker 3: And I told my therapist, I was like, you know,
• 1:38
  Speaker 3: I keep looking for the box that says with the
• 1:40
  Speaker 3: man who loves me, and there's no box to check
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: when it comes to a donor sperm, right, And so
• 1:47
  Speaker 3: I made the choice that I was going to see
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: what life would bring and not freeze embryos or freeze eggs.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: And I thought, you know, because I was like, I
• 2:01
  Speaker 3: don't I don't want to do it on my own.
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: I'm not.
• 2:07
  Speaker 3: Just being a mom on my own. Just wasn't it
• 2:11
  Speaker 3: just wasn't something I wanted to do alone.
• 2:14
  Speaker 2: So I took that risk.
• 2:15
  Speaker 3: And then once we got married, we started trying, and
• 2:19
  Speaker 3: we did a handful of rounds and we made a
• 2:23
  Speaker 3: couple embryos, and then we did the genetic testing and
• 2:27
  Speaker 3: they all came back back and basically I remember the
• 2:32
  Speaker 3: doctor called and was like, you know, you probably all
• 2:35
  Speaker 3: always had old eggs.
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: I love this conversation.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: Right, And I remember this so vividly.
• 2:43
  Speaker 3: I I was really I was crying, and I went
• 2:47
  Speaker 3: and I was living in West Hollywood at the time,
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: and I went and walked my dogs and I got
• 2:51
  Speaker 3: paparazzied walking my dogs, and I'm bowling, but I start
• 2:55
  Speaker 3: smiling because it's you know, I don't want the paparazzi
• 2:58
  Speaker 3: to catch me crying. And I'm like smiling and waving,
• 3:02
  Speaker 3: and then like, I remember that photo ran in some
• 3:04
  Speaker 3: tabloids saying, you know, you know Dexter star Julie Ben's
• 3:08
  Speaker 3: outwalking her dogs.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: Doesn't she look great?
• 3:10
  Speaker 3: And I was like, he only knew what I was
• 3:15
  Speaker 3: going through in that moment. But you know, for me,
• 3:21
  Speaker 3: we explored other options. And then by that point, I mean,
• 3:25
  Speaker 3: I was forty four and I really did some soul
• 3:30
  Speaker 3: searching and was like, first of all, I always thought
• 3:33
  Speaker 3: I'd be the hot young mom.
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: In second, I don't want to be sixty with a teenager.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 3:43
  Speaker 3: So you think if Rich my husband and I, if
• 3:47
  Speaker 3: we were in our thirties, we would have explored other options,
• 3:51
  Speaker 3: egg donor Saragi, adoption, all of that.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: But I think I had.
• 3:56
  Speaker 3: To be really real about where I was in my
• 3:58
  Speaker 3: life and say, like, I mean, having a baby is great,
• 4:03
  Speaker 3: but they turn into teenagers eventually, and I don't know
• 4:07
  Speaker 3: if that's sixty that's for me. I don't know if
• 4:12
  Speaker 3: i'd be a good mom at sixty. I'm gonna be tired. Yeah,
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: so how old is your husband?
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: He's a year younger, that year younger.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: And you said he was never married before, so he
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: didn't have kids, no coming in Okay.
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: He's an identical twin and he has two nephews. And
• 4:32
  Speaker 3: then he has another brother that has a niece and
• 4:34
  Speaker 3: a nephew and we're very close to them. And then
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: my best friend has four kids that were the godparents
• 4:40
  Speaker 3: of so we have a lot of children in our life, right,
• 4:44
  Speaker 3: So we decided to pivot then and just be like,
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: let's be let's be the best aunt and uncle and
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: let's do that.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: I love that though. It's admirable that you sat down
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: and really waited out, because it sounds like like naturally
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: you wanted to be a mom. You're one of the
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: people that was like, yeah, sure, I'm going to have
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: a family, I'm gonna be a mom someday. And then
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: as your life rolls out, for one reason or another
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: it doesn't go as you thought it would. Yeah, and
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: you know, just hearing you say that, you know that
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: paparazzi experience where you were going through something so painful. Yeah,
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: and then you had to fake like you were happy.
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 5:29
  Speaker 3: It was so surprising, was the photo. Like you could
• 5:31
  Speaker 3: see like tears coming down my face, but nobody ever
• 5:34
  Speaker 3: said anything.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: I was like, you're a good actress, fake it till
• 5:38
  Speaker 2: you're feel it.
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: I mean, but a lot of women, you know, struggle
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: with the same thing, and that decision to change gears
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: can leave them feeling somehow empty, somehow unuseful, or some
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: way of like feeling bad about themselves.
• 6:02
  Speaker 3: It was I mean, I would say for the first
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: year after, it was really tough. And I didn't share
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: it publicly because I'm just not that like, I just
• 6:16
  Speaker 3: didn't feel comfortable sharing it publicly. And I remember we
• 6:21
  Speaker 3: would be at dinner with people like friends, like work,
• 6:27
  Speaker 3: colleagues of my husband's and their wives, and their wives
• 6:30
  Speaker 3: would be like, oh, you gonna have kids, and I'd
• 6:33
  Speaker 3: be like no, and they'd be like, oh my god,
• 6:36
  Speaker 3: you have you have to have children, like you have
• 6:38
  Speaker 3: to Oh my gosh, the best and they go into
• 6:40
  Speaker 3: this whole thing, and I started getting to this point
• 6:42
  Speaker 3: where I would just be like, I can't have children,
• 6:46
  Speaker 3: and my husband would be like, why.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: Are you so mean about it?
• 6:49
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, because I don't want to have the conversation,
• 6:52
  Speaker 3: Like I don't want to have to have the conversation
• 6:56
  Speaker 3: with people that I don't know very well, and it's
• 7:00
  Speaker 3: the only way I know how to shut them up.
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: Really, it was just me like I can't have kids,
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: and they'd be.
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: Like, oh, yeah, next subject, let's talk about something else. Huh.
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I know. For me, I had was blessed
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: with my three daughters in my first marriage or second marriage. Sorry,
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: now let's get technical. And then with Dave, I felt
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: like I really wanted to have a child for him
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: and I felt like he was such a great dad,
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: and we tried and tried, and then it didn't work,
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: and I had that period of time where I was like,
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: it's me, My eggs are old. Yeah. We went so
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: far as to have his sperm checked and he like
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: got the top of the highest rating you can get
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: and he was like oh yeah, and I was oh
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: my god, and I was like, Hi, I'm over here
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: with old eggs. Thinks that feels great. But that whole
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: period of time of just like letting that sink in
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: and finding your way around the shame or the disappointment
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: and the morning honestly, the grief.
• 8:08
  Speaker 3: It was the There was definitely a lot of grief
• 8:11
  Speaker 3: and a lot of mourning. And then I made a
• 8:14
  Speaker 3: very superficial deal with myself, very vain, superficial deal. Tell me,
• 8:20
  Speaker 3: I said, well, if I'm not going to have kids,
• 8:23
  Speaker 3: then I'm going to be the sixty year old with washboard.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: Apps and Hi, I've seen your apps.
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: And that's when I really I started working out a
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: lot because I was like, all right, I can't have kids,
• 8:40
  Speaker 3: then I'm going to have a killer body. And sometimes
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: you just have to make whatever that superficial deal is
• 8:46
  Speaker 3: with yourself, and god, it just sounds I mean, it
• 8:51
  Speaker 3: sounds terrible.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: But it helped me. It doesn't sound terrible.
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: It helped me focus on something else and it helped.
• 8:57
  Speaker 3: And it also helped that my best friend had four
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: kids and that's a lot of kids.
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so you were like, maybe this is such a
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: this is a good thing.
• 9:07
  Speaker 2: Outa Yeah, like I can help you.
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: Out, Yeah, and you have this freedom and this like
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: sort of care free ability with your husband. Yeah, you know,
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: there's some things. Once I settled into the fact, I
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: was like, we're going to just have so much fun
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: together and it's not gonna because it does. The kids
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: bring stress in and there's so much responsibility and it's
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: just so layered when you have a family and you're young,
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: you're raising them.
• 9:38
  Speaker 3: I also don't know how anyone survived the pandemic with
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: kids at home.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: I really don't.
• 9:46
  Speaker 3: I mean, it was tough just the two of us
• 9:50
  Speaker 3: that I couldn't even imagine having children and navigating it.
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: So, you know, I was a little relief.
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: I mean, yeah, luckily mine we're a little older. But
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: I did sit and think, ooh, how is this screwing
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: them up socially and you know with their development? Yeah,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: it was doing a number on everybody. So I love
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: that your relationship is thriving, Thank you, and everybody would
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: want to know the secret to that success. And it
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: sounds like it's kind of you guys allowing each other
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: to be independent. Yeah.
• 10:35
  Speaker 3: I think it's just we allow each other to be
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: who we are, right, you know what I mean, and
• 10:41
  Speaker 3: we support each other through it.
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I love each other.
• 10:46
  Speaker 3: And we I mean, we did do therapy early on
• 10:50
  Speaker 3: to help with our communication, and I had to learn
• 10:56
  Speaker 3: that there's a tone in my voice that if I
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: hit it, he can't hear me right, and it's more
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: destructive than helpful. So now when I get upset, I
• 11:18
  Speaker 3: write it down and I hand it to him, but
• 11:22
  Speaker 3: I write it in funny ways, like sometimes I'll do
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: tiny little post it notes, like one word on each
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: little thing and put it up all in the wall,
• 11:29
  Speaker 3: and then they make him read it out loud, or
• 11:32
  Speaker 3: I'll send him an email, or you know, I'll do
• 11:34
  Speaker 3: something and then he has to read it out loud
• 11:37
  Speaker 3: to me.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: Just to let you know that he's really understanding when
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: you're hearing me. So that is an interesting hack. Yeah,
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: for those of us that struggle with communications, confrontation, and marriages,
• 11:50
  Speaker 1: that's a great idea.
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it works really well. I might try it, especially
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: the post it notes. That always makes him laugh when
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: he sees like a bunch of posts and.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: He's like, oh, you.
• 12:02
  Speaker 2: Need something better than the text message.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: You know what. They don't like those, they don't like
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: those text messages. I want to talk a little bit
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: about your work, because I was a huge fan. As
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: I mentioned of Dexter, your character Rita, thank you, you
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: were so good. Thank you and you did more makeup
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: right or you were very.
• 12:21
  Speaker 3: Season one no makeup at all? Right, it was amazing.
• 12:25
  Speaker 3: I remember it was freeing.
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, look at this beautiful natural woman.
• 12:29
  Speaker 3: It was no hair, no makeup, and it was like,
• 12:32
  Speaker 3: for the first time I got to experience what it
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: was like to be a guy on set.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: Yeah, like my call time was rehearsal.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Oh no more two hours earlier.
• 12:41
  Speaker 2: It was amazing. Yeah, I loved it.
• 12:44
  Speaker 3: Season one, Rita was my favorite and the I just
• 12:49
  Speaker 3: loved her so much. And of course then she had
• 12:53
  Speaker 3: to grow and change, and then they had to have
• 12:55
  Speaker 3: hair and makeup calls and.
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: Oh man, well that subject matter was dense, tough, heavy, yeah,
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: really scary and just like your character alone had her
• 13:09
  Speaker 1: all her own stuff. Yes, but then she's married to
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: a serial killer, which she never knew, she never knew,
• 13:14
  Speaker 1: so that did you ever? You know, we are all
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: part of the characters we play, I think as actress
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: as it comes from somewhere inside of us. And did
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: you ever take her home? Did you ever have trouble
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: leaving work and keeping work at work? That was kind
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: of energy.
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 13:33
  Speaker 3: So when I was playing Rita, I you know, during
• 13:37
  Speaker 3: the months we would film, I was definitely more emotional
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: in life, Like I would be crying over like a
• 13:45
  Speaker 3: coffee commercial or something like that.
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: Things would hit me more deeply than normal. But I think.
• 13:56
  Speaker 3: So season one, I was still married to my ex
• 14:01
  Speaker 3: husband and that's when I was making the decision to
• 14:05
  Speaker 3: get divorced. And so I think in a weird way,
• 14:09
  Speaker 3: Rita helped me.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you know what way do you think?
• 14:18
  Speaker 3: First of all, having a bit of job security stability. Second,
• 14:23
  Speaker 3: I think she was so damaged and beaten down that
• 14:33
  Speaker 3: and you know, my ex husband was not abusive at all,
• 14:35
  Speaker 3: like that is not But I really could relate to her.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: Feeling that that apology after every sentence they like I'm
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: I'm sorry, you know that I don't know. That really
• 14:49
  Speaker 3: resonated with me, and I was like, I don't, I don't.
• 14:55
  Speaker 3: I don't want to be that, you know. So I
• 15:00
  Speaker 3: think in some ways she gave me the strength to
• 15:07
  Speaker 3: really look at my life and be like I have
• 15:09
  Speaker 3: you know, I need to move I need to get out,
• 15:12
  Speaker 3: I need to move on.
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: I can see how she would motivate that because what
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: she endured, you know. The character was so strong, yeah,
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: but so weak at the same time, so vulnerable and
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: or like a raw nerve. So it makes perfect sense
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: how you would go home feeling like you could cry
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: at any commercial. It makes such sense. But that's a
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: really must have been a really interesting time in your life.
• 15:41
  Speaker 3: It was, and I really loved playing her, like I
• 15:46
  Speaker 3: really and I loved working with Michael. Just being on
• 15:51
  Speaker 3: the show was It was amazing because coming off of
• 15:57
  Speaker 3: the WB for Buffy and Angel, which even though we
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: were doing incredible work over there, most of Hollywood wasn't
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: really looking at it or recognizing right it was considered
• 16:11
  Speaker 3: a teen show. So I felt like Rita was my
• 16:18
  Speaker 3: time to finally be a woman, yeah, and be a grown.
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: Up and work on good material, yeah, like really good writing.
• 16:27
  Speaker 3: And I thought it was so funny because I remember
• 16:28
  Speaker 3: during season one, everybody was I was getting applauded for
• 16:31
  Speaker 3: going on camera with no makeup on, and I was like,
• 16:35
  Speaker 3: I mean, I run around my house like this, like.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: It isn't this a very old deal.
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: I'm not a completely wipe.
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: I was like, it's not that big of a deal.
• 16:45
  Speaker 3: I mean, but people like everyone's like it's so amazing,
• 16:51
  Speaker 3: And I was like, so amazing because I don't have
• 16:54
  Speaker 3: to go in two hours earlier.
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: I know, they killed Rita very upsetting. What season was
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: it four? Season four and four and you said that
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: you wished you had advocated for her more, Yes, what
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: would you have said?
• 17:10
  Speaker 3: So my opinion is season one and two I had
• 17:16
  Speaker 3: very strong story arcs, and then one of our writers
• 17:21
  Speaker 3: left and he was the one who really captured the
• 17:24
  Speaker 3: voice of Dexter and Rita. And then in season three
• 17:30
  Speaker 3: and especially in season four, I mean, I just the
• 17:34
  Speaker 3: storyline was just not there. But that's the nature of
• 17:37
  Speaker 3: episodic television. Like some years you have a great storyline
• 17:42
  Speaker 3: and then some years you have to take a backseat
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: while other actors get.
• 17:48
  Speaker 2: Their great storyline.
• 17:50
  Speaker 3: And I just wish I had advocated more for her.
• 17:54
  Speaker 3: I wish I had stood up more and you know,
• 18:02
  Speaker 3: challenge them to come up with more creative things to
• 18:06
  Speaker 3: do with her rather than just accept, well, this is
• 18:10
  Speaker 3: the nature of the beast. And I had a great
• 18:14
  Speaker 3: season one. In season two, there were other actors on
• 18:17
  Speaker 3: the show who didn't like their season one in season
• 18:19
  Speaker 3: two who all of a sudden now were being elevated
• 18:21
  Speaker 3: during season three, so.
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: It was like, you know what I mean?
• 18:24
  Speaker 3: So I was like, but maybe I should have challenged
• 18:29
  Speaker 3: the writers more and said, hey, guys, this is kind
• 18:33
  Speaker 3: of silly, like can I do something like can we
• 18:36
  Speaker 3: come up with something a little more interesting?
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: So did you not feel like it was your place
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: to do that or did you not feel comfortable?
• 18:46
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to be difficult.
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: You didn't want to be difficult.
• 18:50
  Speaker 3: Meanwhile, I watched other actors during season one and season
• 18:55
  Speaker 3: two do the same thing, like speak up, advocate for
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: their characters, and they weren't deemed difficult, but I just was.
• 19:08
  Speaker 3: I just didn't want to be difficult.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: Where do you think that comes from?
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: Oh? I mean obviously being the youngest child in the family,
• 19:17
  Speaker 3: I think, and just being the good girl.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: You know.
• 19:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I've learned since then that there's a way of
• 19:32
  Speaker 3: doing it. I mean I watched when I worked on
• 19:35
  Speaker 3: Desperate Housewives. After I was doing a scene with Marsha
• 19:39
  Speaker 3: Cross and I was a huge fan of the show,
• 19:43
  Speaker 3: so I knew the characters inside and out, and we
• 19:46
  Speaker 3: were rehearsing this scene and Marsha's like, this doesn't make
• 19:49
  Speaker 3: any sense, and I was just I mean, I was
• 19:51
  Speaker 3: just recurring on the show, so I was just sitting
• 19:53
  Speaker 3: there and she was talking to the director and she's like,
• 19:55
  Speaker 3: this doesn't make any sense for my character, and she
• 19:57
  Speaker 3: was going through the reasons why, and then she turned
• 20:02
  Speaker 3: to me and she's like, what do you think? And
• 20:03
  Speaker 3: I'm like, you are one hundred percent correct. It makes
• 20:06
  Speaker 3: the scene makes no sense for your character. And I
• 20:08
  Speaker 3: went through it because I'd been such a huge fan,
• 20:11
  Speaker 3: and I watched them. They went off and then they
• 20:15
  Speaker 3: shut down set for like an hour and they rewrote
• 20:18
  Speaker 3: it and they called us down to the writer's room
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: and they read it to us and it was so
• 20:23
  Speaker 3: much better, and it just made it made her storyline
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: so much fuller and richer. And I watched how she
• 20:36
  Speaker 3: did that. It wasn't she didn't raise her voice. It
• 20:41
  Speaker 3: didn't come from a place of anger or frustration. She
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: just really was like, this just doesn't make sense. And
• 20:49
  Speaker 3: they heard her and they changed the script. It was incredible,
• 20:52
  Speaker 3: and I was like, Oh, that's how you do because
• 20:55
  Speaker 3: I always thought speaking up.
• 21:00
  Speaker 2: Would be confrontational.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: So yeah, I've seen it all different ways in my career,
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: but you're absolutely right. It's just better when you are
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: calm and you know what you're talking about, you know,
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: and it makes sense. It makes sense, and it's a collaboration.
• 21:21
  Speaker 1: It's not like you suck.
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: I mean I've shown up in all different ways since
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: I told the writers off a few times in my past.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: But now it's just so much easier to work together,
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: right and hopefully you have that team right.
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: And I wish I had had that experience before Dexter. Yeah,
• 21:41
  Speaker 3: you know, because I'm Buffy and Angel. The writing was
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: incredible and we just said the words right like there
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: wasn't especially my character was amazing, Like I never I
• 21:56
  Speaker 3: never had a moment that felt false as the carecharacter,
• 22:00
  Speaker 3: so you didn't have to say yeah, so I didn't
• 22:03
  Speaker 3: really know how.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah that's and so moving forward in your career, have
• 22:11
  Speaker 1: you sort of been able to utilize that in your
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: current work, your recent work? Yeah.
• 22:17
  Speaker 3: I mean when I was on Defiance, I remember season one,
• 22:24
  Speaker 3: my character was the hero of the piece, she was
• 22:26
  Speaker 3: the mayor, she was the hero she was, and I
• 22:30
  Speaker 3: really wanted them to you know, I really kept asking
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: like what's her achilles heel? Like what is it? What's
• 22:35
  Speaker 3: her deep dark secret? And they're like, but you're the hero.
• 22:40
  Speaker 3: There's no deep dark secret. You're the hero. So I
• 22:43
  Speaker 3: remember being on set during the pilot and the prop
• 22:47
  Speaker 3: guy we're in my character's office and he brings me
• 22:51
  Speaker 3: a coffee mug and I look at him and I'm like,
• 22:57
  Speaker 3: how about every time I in here, no matter what
• 23:01
  Speaker 3: time of day it is, it's a glass of scotch.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: Don't bring me coffee, Bring me scotch.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: And I created an alcohol problem for wasn't written and
• 23:14
  Speaker 3: in season two they leaned into it, but it was
• 23:18
  Speaker 3: me going, I want to give her something. I want
• 23:21
  Speaker 3: to give her, Like what does she do at night? Yeah,
• 23:25
  Speaker 3: when the world is falling apart and it's all on
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: her shoulders to make the decisions.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because being a hero is hard.
• 23:32
  Speaker 2: It's hard. So she drank.
• 23:36
  Speaker 1: That's genius though. You made your own storyline. Yeah, with
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: one simple prop change. Yeah, I love that. I just
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: want to ask you about maybe some advice for women
• 23:48
  Speaker 1: our age, you know, who are are dealing with the
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: same things that we're dealing with and the life changes
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: and all the things. Yeah, what is what is the
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: piece of advice that you could pass down, pass on
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: some sort of you know, I believe in you message
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: that you're so good at giving.
• 24:11
  Speaker 3: Well, I believe in you. I think there's a couple things. First,
• 24:17
  Speaker 3: protect your bone density.
• 24:18
  Speaker 2: First and foremost.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: By jumping.
• 24:23
  Speaker 3: You can do it by jumping, you can do it
• 24:25
  Speaker 3: by walking with a weighted vest. Ye. Do everything you
• 24:28
  Speaker 3: can to protect your bone density, because that's the most
• 24:31
  Speaker 3: important thing as we get older, especially as women. And
• 24:35
  Speaker 3: then I think it's so important to have your alone time,
• 24:41
  Speaker 3: like the world can get really big and crazy, and
• 24:46
  Speaker 3: to have that quiet time for yourself and whether it's
• 24:49
  Speaker 3: meditation or journaling or working out or yeah, or going
• 24:55
  Speaker 3: for a walk or being out nature, just making sure
• 24:59
  Speaker 3: you you have those moments to breathe and recenter yourself.
• 25:06
  Speaker 3: You know.
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you don't really realize it's how important that is
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: until you do it. Yeah, and then you feel this
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: sense of like, why haven't I done this sooner?
• 25:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 25:17
  Speaker 3: And there's all types of like breath work apps. There's
• 25:20
  Speaker 3: I like to do box breathing, me too, really into
• 25:23
  Speaker 3: the box breathing.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: What's your count? Wow?
• 25:25
  Speaker 2: You know I'm good at four.
• 25:27
  Speaker 3: I try to do seven and then I feel like
• 25:29
  Speaker 3: I'm gonna die.
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: So do you do four?
• 25:31
  Speaker 3: In hold for four and then out for four, out
• 25:34
  Speaker 3: for four and hold for four and then in for four.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 25:37
  Speaker 3: I try to push it to seven, but that holding
• 25:39
  Speaker 3: it for seven is like, wait, there's.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: Something so magical about If you know what box breathing is,
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: you're gonna enjoy this. If you don't, you're what are
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: you talking about? But I breathe in for four, hold
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: for four, and then breathe out for eight, and there's
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: something so magical in that last four count of that
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: eight out breath.
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: I'm going to try that.
• 25:58
  Speaker 1: You go into another space and time. I'm gonna try that,
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: and it feels scary at first, but it's like it's
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: like a drug almost.
• 26:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: So all here for the box breathing.
• 26:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 26:10
  Speaker 3: I just think it's so important that you you check
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: in with yourself yep.
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: And that's great advice.
• 26:17
  Speaker 3: And if that means you're gonna cry, then cry let
• 26:20
  Speaker 3: it out, let it out, let it out.
• 26:23
  Speaker 2: I'm big on that. Feel your feelings, feel your feelings.
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: Yep. That's such great advice, great advice.
• 26:29
  Speaker 2: Thank you.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: I love getting to know you. Thank you.
• 26:31
  Speaker 2: I'll make you dinner, okay,