Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 488. How to train yourself to lose feelings for someone and more (Headnoise)

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488. How to train yourself to lose feelings for someone and more (Headnoise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:13
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:17
Speaker 1: This is a head noise episode. This is a voice
0:21
Speaker 1: male head noise episode. Love all kinds of head noise episodes.
0:25
Speaker 1: Love hearing your voices though it's very, very exciting. I
0:28
Speaker 1: thought i'd just give you a rundown of the actual
0:31
Speaker 1: titles of the three questions that I'm going to answer,
0:33
Speaker 1: just because it's quite I kind of love all the
0:36
Speaker 1: titles and I just want to read them out so
0:38
Speaker 1: you guys get excited for the episode. So the first
0:39
Speaker 1: one is can you lose feelings with someone? Can't wait
0:43
Speaker 1: to answer that one one sided sibling relationship. Very relatable.
0:48
Speaker 1: I think many of you are going to not for me, Stephanie.
0:50
Speaker 1: I love you so much. I know you listen to
0:51
Speaker 1: all my episodes. Very relatable for a lot of my audience.
0:54
Speaker 1: Not for me. And friendship friend has dropped the ball. Okay,
0:59
Speaker 1: so I am not going to give a life update.
1:02
Speaker 1: Actually I am going to give a life update. Went
1:04
Speaker 1: to Queensland over the weekend. It was fucking unreal. It
1:07
Speaker 1: was my cousin's wedding. It just had the best time.
1:10
Speaker 1: We took the babies on the flight for the first
1:12
Speaker 1: time Cruz not a fucking fan, not a fan, although
1:16
Speaker 1: he didn't like he cried, but weirdly they were fine landing.
1:19
Speaker 1: It was more just not loving life on the flight.
1:22
Speaker 1: But the people on the flight were so lovely and helpful.
1:25
Speaker 1: My mom had Cruise and I had Santiago because Tarrane
1:29
Speaker 1: was driving up with my dad and the guys sitting
1:32
Speaker 1: next to my mum. One of them he was like,
1:34
Speaker 1: I'm an identical twin and was like telling her all
1:36
Speaker 1: about his experience being a twin. And the guy on
1:38
Speaker 1: the other side was just so lovely and patient. It
1:40
Speaker 1: was just beautiful people, beautiful people. So if you ever
1:43
Speaker 1: listen to this podcast, thank you so much for just
1:46
Speaker 1: being lovely and patient. And I think it's observed this
1:50
Speaker 1: content more now because obviously I'm a mum and this
1:53
Speaker 1: whole idea about people and they're like beef with children
1:57
Speaker 1: on flights and how people feel about that, Like I understand,
2:00
Speaker 1: and when there's like even then I don't want to
2:03
Speaker 1: speak out of you know, whatever, because I'm yet to
2:06
Speaker 1: be a parent of a toddler, but you know, for example,
2:08
Speaker 1: if you're sitting in a seat and the child behind
2:11
Speaker 1: you is kicking your chair constantly and the parent is
2:13
Speaker 1: doing absolutely nothing about it. I can understand while you're like,
2:16
Speaker 1: this is fucking bullshit, like why do I have to
2:19
Speaker 1: put up with this?
2:19
Speaker 2: Right?
2:20
Speaker 1: But when people have an issue with a crying baby
2:23
Speaker 1: or toddler who's clearly crying because they're like in discomfort
2:27
Speaker 1: or in pain or whatever, and people are like child
2:30
Speaker 1: children for free flights, children free flights, and they say
2:32
Speaker 1: I'm entitled to a child free life, and there's this
2:35
Speaker 1: battle off like you're entitled to a child free like
2:40
Speaker 1: to not have children, but you're not entitled to a
2:41
Speaker 1: child free world, at least in public spaces. And people
2:44
Speaker 1: are having such a big melton about this. And I
2:46
Speaker 1: can say this, even when I didn't know if I
2:48
Speaker 1: was going to have kids, I never had this crazy
2:51
Speaker 1: beef against crying children on a plane or on anywhere.
2:54
Speaker 1: I don't understand what people's problem is, even for those
2:57
Speaker 1: that don't have children, because when I didn't have children,
2:59
Speaker 1: I also wasn't like nobody likes a crying child. Trust me,
3:03
Speaker 1: the parents don't like it when their children are screaming
3:05
Speaker 1: and crying. But I find it really surprising that these
3:08
Speaker 1: people have such an issue with it. It's like, bro,
3:10
Speaker 1: when you're old, who is paying the taxes to keep
3:13
Speaker 1: the country going. Who is the doctor that's going to be,
3:17
Speaker 1: you know, checking up on you. Who is all the
3:19
Speaker 1: people that are going to be working in the economy
3:21
Speaker 1: so you can exist in this world slash country. Like
3:24
Speaker 1: the babies that are crying right now, like they act
3:26
Speaker 1: like as if they're like, it's just a choice to
3:29
Speaker 1: I don't know. It just pisses me off. I'm like,
3:30
Speaker 1: you live in a society. If you don't want to
3:33
Speaker 1: have these things in public spaces, you need to live
3:35
Speaker 1: in a remote island alone, you looner. Otherwise, you need
3:39
Speaker 1: to accept that babies are a part of society, just
3:42
Speaker 1: like you, annoying person are a part of society. Right anyway?
3:46
Speaker 1: That is my lugh update. I also got to meet
3:48
Speaker 1: Nicki's baby Rafa. Oh my fuck god that baby. I
3:51
Speaker 1: could just swallow her whole so fucking cute. Okay, let's
3:54
Speaker 1: start with the first one. Can you lose feelings with someone?
3:58
Speaker 1: Can't wait to hear this.
4:01
Speaker 2: Hey, Alexis, I'm a listener from Germany and I have
4:05
Speaker 2: one question, like it is not I don't know if
4:08
Speaker 2: you have ever addressed it. But it is like I
4:13
Speaker 2: want to know.
4:14
Speaker 3: How to lose feelings for someone I know for a
4:17
Speaker 3: fact that we are not matching. We are like, we
4:22
Speaker 3: have a good time, but like I know, I don't
4:26
Speaker 3: want to be in a relationship with him. He wanted
4:29
Speaker 3: to be in a relationship with me. We had a
4:32
Speaker 3: situationship one year ago and I was the one who
4:35
Speaker 3: was like very distant, and yeah, I knew that I
4:40
Speaker 3: liked him.
4:40
Speaker 2: I enjoyed our time. We have very we share a
4:43
Speaker 2: passion for the gym.
4:44
Speaker 3: It was very nice. But then he had a car
4:46
Speaker 3: crash which caused him some very big setbacks in his life.
4:53
Speaker 2: And I had a relationship in between as well. But
4:57
Speaker 2: I broke up with my boyfriend some weeks go, and
5:00
Speaker 2: then he contacted me again.
5:02
Speaker 4: This guy.
5:05
Speaker 3: We had a We met and the chemistry us amazing
5:11
Speaker 3: and we have contact since then, but no, out of
5:14
Speaker 3: the blue, he just blocked me. And I realized that
5:17
Speaker 3: I've got feelings and I still know that I don't
5:20
Speaker 3: want to have anything serious with them, but I don't
5:23
Speaker 3: know how to find closure because he has blocked me.
5:28
Speaker 2: Thank you very much.
5:29
Speaker 1: That is a really, really good question. And I think
5:32
Speaker 1: one thing that I want you to kind of ask
5:34
Speaker 1: yourself in this is am I more hurt by this
5:41
Speaker 1: because I had no control over this situation? And then
5:46
Speaker 1: it leaves me feeling uncertain as to how I felt
5:48
Speaker 1: because when the control is completely stripped away from you
5:51
Speaker 1: in a way, it feels like, wait a minute, but
5:52
Speaker 1: did I want this? Did I actually want to be
5:54
Speaker 1: with this person? It takes away the options from you.
5:57
Speaker 1: So is it more do I think this missing him
6:00
Speaker 1: and this pain is coming more from the lack of
6:03
Speaker 1: control you have over this situation and wanting control? Or
6:07
Speaker 1: is it because you think, Wow, him leaving made me
6:11
Speaker 1: realize that I actually like him a lot more than
6:14
Speaker 1: I gave myself credit for. Then I realized, okay, because
6:19
Speaker 1: you know, sometimes you don't know what you have until
6:20
Speaker 1: it's gone kind of thing kind of like that. Okay,
6:23
Speaker 1: So I want you to really figure out where is
6:26
Speaker 1: most of this pain coming from, because I don't want
6:29
Speaker 1: to dig deep and figure out exactly why he did
6:32
Speaker 1: what he did, because ultimately, we can't really read other
6:37
Speaker 1: people's minds. We can only, you know, look at their
6:40
Speaker 1: behavior and their consistency at face value and kind of
6:44
Speaker 1: go off that to make our own decisions. Moving forward
6:46
Speaker 1: and how to heal and how to process and get
6:48
Speaker 1: over things. But there is a slim chance. And again
6:53
Speaker 1: I don't really like doing this because I don't want
6:54
Speaker 1: to put ideas in people's heads. But because you had
6:57
Speaker 1: left him prior to this, like the first time, maybe
7:01
Speaker 1: there's a slim chance that he's kind of arming and
7:03
Speaker 1: a ring and you know, talking himself out of it,
7:07
Speaker 1: maybe thinking that you're not that into it, maybe thinking
7:09
Speaker 1: that he needs to cut his losses, maybe worried that
7:12
Speaker 1: you'll leave again, thinking maybe this just isn't right. So
7:15
Speaker 1: before I address how to actually start losing feelings for someone,
7:19
Speaker 1: because I will go into that, I want you to
7:22
Speaker 1: make sure is there a chance that it actually is
7:25
Speaker 1: all great? He actually is a good catch, and maybe
7:28
Speaker 1: he's pulled away, And is it worth one good conversation?
7:32
Speaker 1: Is it worth reaching out one time and really asking
7:36
Speaker 1: for a very open and honest conversation about how you
7:39
Speaker 1: feel about why it ended the first time, about you know,
7:42
Speaker 1: with the situationship, about where you are at now and
7:46
Speaker 1: really seeing what he like, where his head is at,
7:48
Speaker 1: and how he actually feels about you. So I wanted
7:52
Speaker 1: to just put that out there for you to ask yourself.
7:54
Speaker 1: Is it worth having that conversation now? If the answer
7:57
Speaker 1: is no, no, I actually know ultimately this is not
7:59
Speaker 1: the relationship I want to be in. It's not really
8:01
Speaker 1: the kind of person that I want to be dating.
8:03
Speaker 1: How do I begin to lose feelings for someone. One
8:05
Speaker 1: of the reasons why the feelings are so strong is
8:08
Speaker 1: because it was done to you. You know, like so
8:12
Speaker 1: many people, I know so many people. I know you
8:15
Speaker 1: probably know where everyone listening probably knows that it might
8:17
Speaker 1: have It's probably even happened to you. You be in
8:20
Speaker 1: a relationship, you're kind of like, ah, I'm kind of offered.
8:23
Speaker 1: I'm not really feeling it. I don't know. You even
8:26
Speaker 1: maybe break up with someone, then for whatever reason, you
8:28
Speaker 1: get back together only for them to dump you, and
8:31
Speaker 1: then you are devastated. And then you're like, wait a minute,
8:34
Speaker 1: why am I so devastated? When I firstly maybe ended
8:37
Speaker 1: at once or wanted to end it, or was so unsure,
8:40
Speaker 1: but then when they pulled the pin, it's now made
8:42
Speaker 1: me question everything. And I think that this really comes
8:47
Speaker 1: from this aversion that we have to look to loss.
8:52
Speaker 1: We are very loss aversive people. When we are in
8:56
Speaker 1: control of letting something go It's not to say it
8:58
Speaker 1: doesn't hurt when you're the one that choosers to dump someone,
9:01
Speaker 1: but you feel in control of the situation. Okay, it's
9:04
Speaker 1: a different kind of hurt because you were the one
9:06
Speaker 1: that pulled the pin. The reasons stay quite fresh in
9:09
Speaker 1: your mind, and you feel like, if I, you know,
9:13
Speaker 1: if I really change my mind, I probably could get
9:16
Speaker 1: that person back, at least in the short term. Okay.
9:18
Speaker 1: So I think a lot of the pain that you
9:20
Speaker 1: feel is this total lack of control over the situation.
9:25
Speaker 1: You feel that now that it's gone, it's kind of
9:28
Speaker 1: like the grass is greener on the other side. I
9:30
Speaker 1: was like wanting to be out of the relationship, and
9:32
Speaker 1: now that I'm out of the relationship, I feel like
9:34
Speaker 1: I should be back. You then think maybe they were
9:36
Speaker 1: more of a catch than I realized. You start to
9:39
Speaker 1: question why it is that they left you, and then
9:41
Speaker 1: it leaves you very confused, very kind of unsteady with
9:46
Speaker 1: how you feel about this situation. And that is one
9:50
Speaker 1: of the major contributing factors to you feeling so much pain,
9:54
Speaker 1: because it's this loss, it's this confusion, it's the fear
9:57
Speaker 1: that maybe it was the right thing. And then it
9:59
Speaker 1: was flipped on its head. So when you are going
10:02
Speaker 1: through this, how do you quickly, or you know, as
10:05
Speaker 1: quickly as possible start to move on and lose feelings
10:09
Speaker 1: for this person and get over it. So there's a
10:11
Speaker 1: few things. Number one, of course, when you are feeling
10:14
Speaker 1: the feeling, allow yourself to feel it, but don't spiral.
10:18
Speaker 1: So what I mean by that is this whole idea
10:21
Speaker 1: of name entertainment, which I talk about very very often.
10:24
Speaker 1: So it's important to address the feeling and process that
10:26
Speaker 1: feeling in the moment because avoiding it doesn't help. Either
10:29
Speaker 1: avoiding it it's you not processing. It doesn't get to
10:32
Speaker 1: come up and out and process through your mind and
10:34
Speaker 1: then released. It's something that you kind of push down, down, down, down, down,
10:38
Speaker 1: and then it could be a year later and then
10:40
Speaker 1: it bobbles up and you're like, how am I still
10:42
Speaker 1: like hurting over this person? So that was just my
10:44
Speaker 1: phone messaging going off anyway. So that's why i'd never
10:49
Speaker 1: recommend for you just like push your feelings down and
10:51
Speaker 1: suppress your feelings because it will always manifest in another
10:54
Speaker 1: area in your life, whether it be that same thing
10:56
Speaker 1: a year later, or whether it be you blowing up
10:58
Speaker 1: at people that are close to you, or you feel
11:00
Speaker 1: overly stressed, or you're just feeling unhappy. So when you
11:03
Speaker 1: feel the feeling, say I'm missing this person right now, like,
11:07
Speaker 1: what is it that I'm feeling? Am I missing them?
11:09
Speaker 1: Am I feeling lonely? And it's making the miss miss
11:12
Speaker 1: you know, it's making me miss them?
11:13
Speaker 5: Is it?
11:13
Speaker 2: Like?
11:13
Speaker 1: Just but name the feeling, either in your head or
11:15
Speaker 1: out loud. And then if it feels like you're about
11:18
Speaker 1: to cry, actually cry. I've got a whole episode on
11:21
Speaker 1: the tactical cry and why it's good for you. You
11:22
Speaker 1: actually release neurochemicals through your tears that actually are soothing
11:26
Speaker 1: and make you feel better that don't get released if
11:29
Speaker 1: you hold back. The tears very important, and it's also
11:32
Speaker 1: different to like tears that you get when it's a
11:34
Speaker 1: windy day. It's like, emotional tears are actually good to
11:36
Speaker 1: cry versus spiraling. Spiraling is where you feeling really down.
11:43
Speaker 1: So I'm now going to get the saddest imaginable playlist,
11:46
Speaker 1: and I'm going to troll through that fucking playlist and
11:49
Speaker 1: find the song that really feels like a dagger in
11:51
Speaker 1: my heart, and then I'm going to have it on
11:52
Speaker 1: loop and I'm going to bahl like spiral and like.
11:55
Speaker 1: Then while that song is playing, I'm going to scroll
11:57
Speaker 1: through their social media and then all the messages that
11:59
Speaker 1: we sent each other in the past. That's the difference. Okay,
12:03
Speaker 1: feeling the feelings, it's organic, it's coming up. It's coming up.
12:06
Speaker 1: I name it to tame it. I understand the feeling.
12:07
Speaker 1: I pay attention to it, and I let it pass
12:09
Speaker 1: through me. If it needs a cry, I have that
12:10
Speaker 1: cry and then I watch it ease. If you feel
12:13
Speaker 1: our emotions as they come, there's a peak and then
12:16
Speaker 1: it drops off every time. And it's not to say
12:18
Speaker 1: that will never come back. It comes back, but it
12:20
Speaker 1: peaks and it drops off to the peak, and then
12:21
Speaker 1: you're able to manage it. If you spiral, it feels
12:24
Speaker 1: really unmanageable and painful, and if you suppress it, it
12:27
Speaker 1: then manifests in other things. Okay, So I want you
12:30
Speaker 1: to feel the feeling, and then once you've felt it,
12:32
Speaker 1: if you need it to cry, then I either want
12:34
Speaker 1: you to think a few things or write them down.
12:36
Speaker 1: But this is where you count it. You've got to
12:38
Speaker 1: remind yourself logically, and this is where your logic speaks
12:40
Speaker 1: to your emotion and then you're able to feel a
12:42
Speaker 1: lot more in control. We don't like feeling out of control,
12:45
Speaker 1: and that's why it hurts so much. So how to
12:47
Speaker 1: feel back in control is to take control off your
12:50
Speaker 1: feelings by talking, by using your logic side of the
12:53
Speaker 1: brain to talk to your emotional site. So then you're
12:54
Speaker 1: going to say, I was thinking about leaving this person
12:57
Speaker 1: a few months ago for this reason. For this reason,
13:00
Speaker 1: and for this reason, think of three things. And it's
13:02
Speaker 1: not to say you need to hate on this person.
13:04
Speaker 1: It's not saying that you've got to turn them into
13:06
Speaker 1: this awful enemy in your head. It's just to say,
13:09
Speaker 1: this is why we were not compatible. This was an
13:11
Speaker 1: ick about them that really, like ground grinded my gears
13:14
Speaker 1: every time, like I thought about this, it like, well
13:16
Speaker 1: it kind of grossed me out, or I just it
13:18
Speaker 1: didn't click or it didn't feel right. You know. When
13:20
Speaker 1: this person said that thing one time, it triggered this
13:23
Speaker 1: thing in me that made me realize like it was
13:25
Speaker 1: like a bit of a red fly being like we're
13:27
Speaker 1: just not a good fit. So you want to think
13:28
Speaker 1: of three counter arguments to your emotional missing or your
13:32
Speaker 1: emotional intense feelings towards this person, to cancel out that feeling, okay,
13:38
Speaker 1: and trust me, it's going to start to feel better
13:40
Speaker 1: and better and better when you do that.
13:42
Speaker 2: Right.
13:43
Speaker 1: Another thing that I recommend you do is, whenever possible,
13:46
Speaker 1: do go cold turkey. So if you decided that you're
13:49
Speaker 1: not going to reach out to this person, make sure
13:51
Speaker 1: you're not following them on socials anymore, at very least
13:53
Speaker 1: have the muted on socials, don't be messaging them. If
13:56
Speaker 1: it's possible, just delete the messages. You want to kind
13:58
Speaker 1: of be like a line in the sand. If I'm
13:59
Speaker 1: not going to be with this person ever again romantically,
14:02
Speaker 1: I need to kind of not pay attention to any
14:04
Speaker 1: more of these romantic messages ever again. Obviously if I
14:07
Speaker 1: saw them down the street, yeah, I might politely say hello.
14:09
Speaker 1: It's not about you know, they're dead to me kind
14:12
Speaker 1: of energy. But it's more like I need to really
14:14
Speaker 1: have a clear line. And if I can get rid
14:16
Speaker 1: of these messages, or delete these messages or mute them more,
14:19
Speaker 1: unfollow them, then that's going to really help clean that
14:21
Speaker 1: slate and for you to start to move on. And
14:23
Speaker 1: then lastly, of course, if you've been seeing this person
14:26
Speaker 1: quite regularly. You need to replace that void if a
14:28
Speaker 1: person dumps you in your situation, specifically, if this person
14:33
Speaker 1: has left you, especially out of the blue, when things
14:35
Speaker 1: are starting to ramp up again, think of the times
14:38
Speaker 1: that you had in your mind at least allocated for
14:40
Speaker 1: dates with this person, and replace those nights with something
14:43
Speaker 1: that's going to be really fun and entertaining. Don't just
14:45
Speaker 1: sit and mope at home for that night if you
14:48
Speaker 1: can avoid it, unless you're actually craving it and you
14:50
Speaker 1: need it. You want to be getting out and replacing
14:52
Speaker 1: that void. So then you start recreating that balance in
14:55
Speaker 1: your life and you start to feel like wait a minute,
14:58
Speaker 1: you know. And then lastly, which is going to time
15:01
Speaker 1: into what I'm saying, you always have to remember that
15:03
Speaker 1: fifty percent at least of what you enjoyed in the
15:06
Speaker 1: relationship is what you brought to the table. So think,
15:08
Speaker 1: wait a minute. Half of the fun that I was
15:10
Speaker 1: having is because of the energy that I was bringing
15:12
Speaker 1: to the table because of my humor as well, or
15:14
Speaker 1: because I make great conversation, or because I'm able to
15:16
Speaker 1: get this energy out of somebody else. So at least
15:20
Speaker 1: fifty percent of that I can then bring to, you know,
15:22
Speaker 1: an interaction with my friends or an interaction with my family,
15:25
Speaker 1: or another date or whatever. So it's not all gone.
15:28
Speaker 1: It's just one aspect of that relationship. But you are
15:30
Speaker 1: still fifty percent of ending relationship that you're in, and
15:33
Speaker 1: you bring a lot of what you enjoy. You are
15:36
Speaker 1: providing that. You just see a side of yourself that
15:38
Speaker 1: comes out in in a date or when you're dating
15:41
Speaker 1: someone or in a relationship that makes you feel really good,
15:44
Speaker 1: and we enjoy that and then we miss it, but
15:46
Speaker 1: it still exists within you, and you can then bring
15:48
Speaker 1: that version of yourself out, not just romantically, but in
15:51
Speaker 1: many other areas of your life. So give yourself the
15:52
Speaker 1: opportunity to do that and create some fun things for
15:55
Speaker 1: you to do, whether it's a fuck an escape room,
15:57
Speaker 1: going to the beach, going for a long walk, whatever
16:00
Speaker 1: it is that you like to do. Start to replace
16:02
Speaker 1: that void with where your best self can shine and
16:05
Speaker 1: you really like yourself in that energy, and then you're
16:07
Speaker 1: going to feel a lot better, a lot faster. You're
16:09
Speaker 1: going to move on from that person much much, much quicker.
16:13
Speaker 1: Great question though, next, Since.
16:22
Speaker 5: Since Kota from Alterior New Zealand, I have been listening
16:29
Speaker 5: to you since I was nineteen years old and I
16:32
Speaker 5: am turning twenty six this year, so that's pretty crazy.
16:36
Speaker 5: Your podcast as my number one on my Spotify wrapped
16:38
Speaker 5: consecutively back to back.
16:40
Speaker 1: Baby, I love them, I hear that you do.
16:43
Speaker 5: You have been such an integral part of my twenties,
16:45
Speaker 5: my self growth, my journey as a person. You have
16:48
Speaker 5: my eternal respect, gratitude, love, I adore you. I hold
16:55
Speaker 5: you in such high regards, So thank you, thank you,
16:57
Speaker 5: thank you. My questions around how do I navigate a
17:05
Speaker 5: one sided sibling relationship that I now feel the need
17:09
Speaker 5: to step back from. How do I manage my expectations
17:12
Speaker 5: around this relationship, and how do I give myself the
17:16
Speaker 5: reassurance in myself and not having to feel the need
17:23
Speaker 5: to voice this. I need some confidence in myself maybe
17:29
Speaker 5: around doing this, and I would love your input and
17:33
Speaker 5: your advice. Also come to New Zealergy. I will be
17:37
Speaker 5: getting a front row the IP ticket for allably to
17:41
Speaker 5: all your shows.
17:41
Speaker 1: To be honest, because I love.
17:43
Speaker 5: You so much.
17:44
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for the work you do. I
17:47
Speaker 1: love you so much. Y okay bye, Oh my god. Firstly,
17:51
Speaker 1: the introduction to that was amazing. I can't believe you've
17:53
Speaker 1: been listening for six years. I've had the podcast for
17:56
Speaker 1: six years this month, which is insane. I didn't even
17:58
Speaker 1: do a sixth birthday for the podcas, but the fact that
18:01
Speaker 1: you've listened for all that time. Oh, it would be
18:04
Speaker 1: my dream to go and do a live show in
18:06
Speaker 1: New Zealand, and it will happen, so all of my
18:08
Speaker 1: key We listeners come to my life show whenever it
18:12
Speaker 1: does happen. But I would hopefully think in the not
18:14
Speaker 1: too distant future, because I would love to make my
18:16
Speaker 1: Kywe beans that. Yeah, that was just a beautiful, beautiful,
18:19
Speaker 1: beautiful message and you fill my heart with sunshine. Anyway,
18:24
Speaker 1: really really good question. I think you do already have
18:28
Speaker 1: a lot of awareness around what's happening, and you already
18:31
Speaker 1: know that you've done what you needed to do and
18:33
Speaker 1: you need to step away. So how do you do
18:35
Speaker 1: it in a way? And I love that you said
18:36
Speaker 1: without having to explain it or over explain yourself or
18:39
Speaker 1: really like dive deep into why it is that you're
18:41
Speaker 1: stepping away, because sometimes in the process of explaining yourself
18:46
Speaker 1: in order to step away from something that's just not
18:48
Speaker 1: really healthy or not working for you're not really aligning
18:50
Speaker 1: with you. Sometimes we get more drained. Sometimes you're so
18:56
Speaker 1: not aligned with this person, sibling, friend, partner, whatever, that
19:02
Speaker 1: even trying to explain it is not possible. Okay, So
19:05
Speaker 1: these are the times where it's important to know that
19:08
Speaker 1: it's just not right to do. So it's not going
19:10
Speaker 1: to work for you to explain it, and then you've
19:12
Speaker 1: got to step away. So I think it's really good
19:14
Speaker 1: that you were able to identify that it's not something
19:16
Speaker 1: that you're willing to do anymore. You can't explain it,
19:18
Speaker 1: you need to step away. So there's many things that
19:22
Speaker 1: you can say, because I think logically, if you were
19:24
Speaker 1: to really be logical logical logical logic, you know that
19:27
Speaker 1: you've done what you needed to do, or that you've
19:29
Speaker 1: tried your best. You've tried to have a two sided relationship.
19:33
Speaker 1: You've tried for things to work and it's not worked out,
19:35
Speaker 1: and it gets to a point where you need to
19:37
Speaker 1: cut your losses and stop investing so much time and energy.
19:40
Speaker 1: You're already doing the managing your expectations around that person,
19:43
Speaker 1: which is huge. I think that's the number one thing.
19:45
Speaker 1: So if you're already doing that, that's going to save
19:47
Speaker 1: your lot of pain and heartache, like big time. So
19:51
Speaker 1: what I recommend you would do in this situation is
19:54
Speaker 1: remind yourself as often as possible about your morals and
19:59
Speaker 1: your values. Sometimes we get too swept up in thinking
20:04
Speaker 1: about a dynamic that hasn't gone our way and we
20:08
Speaker 1: start to potentially and I'm not saying that you're doing this,
20:11
Speaker 1: but a lot of people start to potentially start going
20:13
Speaker 1: against what they truly know is right for them morally
20:18
Speaker 1: and also like going against what they value in their
20:21
Speaker 1: own life, like peace of mind, for one. And they
20:24
Speaker 1: start to go against that to try and mend it,
20:26
Speaker 1: they go too far out on that limb to mend it,
20:29
Speaker 1: and then that's when it starts to create cracks in
20:31
Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself. So every time you have a
20:34
Speaker 1: relationship with absolutely anybody, you should always make sure that
20:38
Speaker 1: you're staying true to your own values, the things that
20:41
Speaker 1: you value in your life for you and your morals. Okay,
20:45
Speaker 1: so every time you think, but maybe I should have
20:49
Speaker 1: a relationship with this person, will it make one of
20:52
Speaker 1: those things crack for me? Does having a relationship with
20:55
Speaker 1: this person mean that it's at the expense of my
20:58
Speaker 1: relationship with my self. No relationship on earth should come
21:03
Speaker 1: at the expense of the one you have with yourself,
21:06
Speaker 1: not one ever. Okay, So I don't care if it's
21:09
Speaker 1: your parent, if it damages or gets in the way
21:15
Speaker 1: of you having a really sound, healthy relationship with yourself.
21:19
Speaker 1: Whether it impacts your peace of mind, whether it increases
21:21
Speaker 1: your stress, whether it makes you unable to focus on
21:24
Speaker 1: other things throughout the day because you're so worried and stressed,
21:27
Speaker 1: whether it makes you feel whether this person belittles you,
21:30
Speaker 1: whether it impacts your confidence and your self esteem, all
21:33
Speaker 1: these things, then that is a big indicator that maybe
21:37
Speaker 1: this relationship is not worth salvaging. Okay, So these are
21:41
Speaker 1: the main things that you need to be reminding yourself
21:43
Speaker 1: of because the actual separating yourself from a one sided relationship,
21:47
Speaker 1: it's just not easy. Because the ones that have to
21:50
Speaker 1: think hard about this separation are probably the ones that care.
21:54
Speaker 1: It's because you care about this other person and you
21:56
Speaker 1: care about yourself, and you've really tried. That's why it
21:58
Speaker 1: is such such a big thing for you to contemplate,
22:01
Speaker 1: because you have feelings, and these feelings are that you
22:05
Speaker 1: know you're a kind person. Often other people who can
22:08
Speaker 1: cut someone out without without hesitation, it's not really that
22:11
Speaker 1: hard for them because they don't care. So if you're
22:12
Speaker 1: going through this caring thing, it's because it's because you know,
22:16
Speaker 1: you're a nice person overall in general. Okay, not just you,
22:19
Speaker 1: but people who are feeling this way. So it's normal
22:21
Speaker 1: for it to be difficult. I don't want you to
22:23
Speaker 1: think that because it's difficult, you should try again and
22:26
Speaker 1: again and again and again. It's normal to cut someone, like,
22:29
Speaker 1: to separate yourself, to distance themselves, for that to feel
22:32
Speaker 1: difficult because you're thinking it's a sibling. It should be
22:35
Speaker 1: this way. It should, it should, it should, it should,
22:36
Speaker 1: it should, but unfortunately it's not. Okay, So now that
22:40
Speaker 1: we know that it's not, every time you're about to
22:42
Speaker 1: feel bad or think that you should get closer, you
22:44
Speaker 1: got to ask yourself, how does this impact my relationship
22:47
Speaker 1: with myself? And is this a trade off or is
22:48
Speaker 1: it benefiting my relationship with myself? And number two, how
22:52
Speaker 1: do my morals and my values, you know, do they
22:55
Speaker 1: stack up with this with my relationship with this person?
22:59
Speaker 1: And the answer is you're already not. So it doesn't
23:00
Speaker 1: stack up, it doesn't even out. It's not aligned with
23:03
Speaker 1: your morals and your values, and when you have that
23:05
Speaker 1: top of mind in front of mind, it is a
23:07
Speaker 1: lot easier to kind of talk yourself down off that legend,
23:10
Speaker 1: be like, Okay, this is the right decision and there
23:12
Speaker 1: is no other option really, And when you've exhausted the
23:15
Speaker 1: other options which you have, then I think you've come
23:18
Speaker 1: to the right conclusion and you're able to feel better.
23:20
Speaker 1: And the more time goes on, the easier it is
23:24
Speaker 1: for you to get into that mind space of being
23:26
Speaker 1: like I have made the right decision and I can
23:27
Speaker 1: feel calm in that decision. It doesn't have to feel fabulous,
23:31
Speaker 1: because sometimes it's sad when relationships break down. But just
23:33
Speaker 1: because it's sad, it doesn't mean that it has to
23:35
Speaker 1: be salvaged. Some relationships, as sad as it is, should
23:38
Speaker 1: never be salvage. They need to just be left in
23:41
Speaker 1: the dirt. Okay, So great question, great question? All right?
23:46
Speaker 1: Is that all three? That's all three? Is it one sided?
23:51
Speaker 2: No?
23:51
Speaker 1: One more? One more? I thought that was I was like,
23:54
Speaker 1: truly not, am I going crazy?
23:55
Speaker 4: Kalexes? I love the pod I've been listening for the
23:58
Speaker 4: past few years, and I'd love your advice on a
24:00
Speaker 4: friendship situation. I've been really close with one of my
24:03
Speaker 4: friends for about seven years. We've always considered each other
24:06
Speaker 4: best friends. Last year we started drifting a little, but
24:09
Speaker 4: we were still close. Recently, though, since she got a boyfriend,
24:13
Speaker 4: things have changed quite a lot. We've gone from doing
24:16
Speaker 4: everything together to barely catching up one on one. Lately,
24:20
Speaker 4: I've been feeling a bit undervalued, like I'm putting more
24:23
Speaker 4: effort into the friendship than she is. She rarely asks
24:27
Speaker 4: about my life anymore, and when I try to make plans,
24:29
Speaker 4: her responses are often quite dry or noncommittal. I don't
24:33
Speaker 4: think she's intentionally being a bad friend, but it does
24:36
Speaker 4: feel like she's dropped the ball a bit, even if
24:39
Speaker 4: she doesn't realize. So because of that, I've started to
24:42
Speaker 4: feel quite resentful towards her. I've taken a step back
24:46
Speaker 4: and tried to adopt the mindset that the ball is
24:48
Speaker 4: in her court, but realistically, I just know that if
24:51
Speaker 4: I'm not the one making plans, we probably won't see
24:54
Speaker 4: each other. So now we mostly only see each other
24:57
Speaker 4: in group settings, and she doesn't seemarticularly affected by the shift,
25:01
Speaker 4: but from my perspective, it feels like I've lost my
25:03
Speaker 4: best friend. I'm hesitant to bring it up because I
25:06
Speaker 4: don't think she'd respond well to a direct conversation. But
25:09
Speaker 4: if I don't say anything, she probably won't realize there's
25:12
Speaker 4: a problem. So how do you navigate a friendship whether
25:15
Speaker 4: the effort starts to feel one sided? And how do
25:18
Speaker 4: you know if it's worth trying to repair or healthier
25:21
Speaker 4: to leave her alone? Thank you?
25:25
Speaker 1: Awesome question. They are all awesome questions. I love all
25:27
Speaker 1: your questions. Great fucking question, though, because this is what
25:31
Speaker 1: I would do. I would address it one hundred percent.
25:34
Speaker 1: I would address it because it deserves it deserves it,
25:37
Speaker 1: Your friendship deserves it. It's a great friendship. You really
25:40
Speaker 1: like this friendship. And the reason she's pulled away is
25:44
Speaker 1: because she's gotten into a relationship. Now, yeah, it's a
25:47
Speaker 1: dog act, it's all of the above. It's annoying, it's whatever.
25:49
Speaker 1: But it's so common and it happens all the time,
25:51
Speaker 1: and I think it's unfortunately just a bit of it's
25:54
Speaker 1: a bit of everyone's nature. Not everyone, but most people
25:58
Speaker 1: do fall into that excitement of the honeymoon phase of
26:01
Speaker 1: a relationship and it makes them again, not everyone, but
26:04
Speaker 1: many people, it makes them kind of a band and
26:06
Speaker 1: their friends for like a bit of a chunk of time. Now,
26:10
Speaker 1: there are many people who she's going to fall into
26:14
Speaker 1: one of two categories. She's either one of those people
26:16
Speaker 1: that once they find a partner, no friendship is as
26:18
Speaker 1: important anymore, and that's just who they are and it
26:21
Speaker 1: is what it is, and that is a shame, and
26:22
Speaker 1: then your friendship has changed forever. But there are many
26:25
Speaker 1: people that go through this hectic honeymoon phase and they're
26:28
Speaker 1: so embedded and excited and oh my god, everything's like,
26:32
Speaker 1: oh my god. They're in this bubble, this fucking bubble.
26:35
Speaker 1: But then eventually they find that they kind of recalibrate
26:39
Speaker 1: and find that balance and normality in life again, and
26:42
Speaker 1: then they start picking up their social you know, hangouts
26:44
Speaker 1: and all of that. So I think, as a good friend,
26:47
Speaker 1: I think it's nice to allow your friend a couple
26:50
Speaker 1: of months of grace when they just enter a relationship,
26:53
Speaker 1: because you're like, you're excited, you're fucking pumped, you're in love,
26:58
Speaker 1: you're riding this wave. You're in this bubble the first
27:00
Speaker 1: like ninety day love bubble kind of thing, right, and
27:03
Speaker 1: then things start to hopefully calm down and still. I mean,
27:06
Speaker 1: you're still in love, but like you know, you float
27:09
Speaker 1: back down to earth and you find a bit of
27:10
Speaker 1: normality and you have your social circles again. So I
27:13
Speaker 1: would one hundred percent address it, and would I would
27:18
Speaker 1: actually write it in a message like or like I
27:21
Speaker 1: was gonna say, an email. Can imagine sending your fucking
27:24
Speaker 1: friend an email like hello, title, the grace period has ended.
27:29
Speaker 1: You now have to be my friend again. No, don't
27:31
Speaker 1: do that. Send a text message, but tell her how
27:35
Speaker 1: you feel, and you want to kind of do it
27:36
Speaker 1: like a bit of a shit sandwich situation, like start
27:39
Speaker 1: with something really nice, then tell her what she needs
27:42
Speaker 1: to hear, and then end with something really nice. So
27:45
Speaker 1: start saying, hey, babe, I really um denied about writing
27:47
Speaker 1: this text message because I value our friendships so much
27:49
Speaker 1: and this is only coming from a place of just
27:51
Speaker 1: adoring what we have as friendships and not wanting to
27:54
Speaker 1: lose it. So be mindful as you read this. So
27:57
Speaker 1: I would launch it like that, and then I would say, genuinely,
28:01
Speaker 1: I love that you're in a relationship. I love that
28:02
Speaker 1: you're in love. It makes me, like nothing makes me
28:04
Speaker 1: happier than saying my friends happy. But I've noticed that
28:08
Speaker 1: I'm the only one reaching out to you. I'm the
28:10
Speaker 1: only one inviting you to do things. And I also
28:13
Speaker 1: don't want to feel like too demanding in the friendship.
28:15
Speaker 1: But it has been And then you give the timeframe.
28:17
Speaker 1: It has been four months, five months, however long, and
28:20
Speaker 1: I'm starting to feel like maybe you're not interested in
28:24
Speaker 1: seeing me as much as I want to see you.
28:28
Speaker 1: I do want And then you can say something along
28:30
Speaker 1: the lines of I do want to give grace to
28:31
Speaker 1: the fact, like give you a bit of a grace period,
28:33
Speaker 1: you know, and allow you to live out this honeymoon
28:35
Speaker 1: period in your relationship. But it does make me a
28:39
Speaker 1: little bit sad, and I really do miss hearing from
28:42
Speaker 1: you and having invitations from you, and I just I
28:45
Speaker 1: miss what we used to have. And I know that
28:46
Speaker 1: after when someone gets into a relationship, it's not going
28:48
Speaker 1: to be exactly the same. But I really hope that
28:50
Speaker 1: things don't drift and change too much. I hope you're
28:54
Speaker 1: open to hearing what I have to say. I really
28:56
Speaker 1: this is coming from a place of love and just
28:58
Speaker 1: missing what we have and I really really would love to,
29:01
Speaker 1: you know, continue to invite you to do things, but
29:03
Speaker 1: I would love to get some invitations back from you
29:05
Speaker 1: as well. If she responds negatively to a message like that,
29:10
Speaker 1: then you can very peacefully say, I have my fucking answer.
29:14
Speaker 1: That was a fucking nice adult message. It's given her
29:18
Speaker 1: time to process, so she doesn't even have to be
29:20
Speaker 1: reactive or feel cornered because she's got time to answer
29:23
Speaker 1: in her own time. Right, So if she responds negatively
29:26
Speaker 1: to that, then I'd be like, you've got problems, babe.
29:30
Speaker 1: I'm not the problem, okay, but I can guarantee you well,
29:32
Speaker 1: it's not a guarantee. That's a life. But there's a
29:34
Speaker 1: very big chance that she will read that and miss
29:37
Speaker 1: you and say, oh, babe, I'm so sorry, Like, thank
29:41
Speaker 1: you for being understanding, thank you for being so patient.
29:44
Speaker 1: I miss you too. I'm going to try a bit harder,
29:46
Speaker 1: like if you approach it in a way coming from like,
29:50
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be angry, I'm not going to
29:52
Speaker 1: be pointing fingers, I'm not going to be throwing daggers.
29:54
Speaker 1: I just want to let you know that I miss you.
29:57
Speaker 1: I want more of what we used to have, do you.
30:00
Speaker 1: I think that's still possible. Love you so much. I'm
30:02
Speaker 1: really happy that you're happy, but I feel like it's
30:04
Speaker 1: a little bit one sided and it's all coming from me.
30:06
Speaker 1: Is this because you're just distracted? Is because you actually
30:08
Speaker 1: don't want to hang out with me? Basically? Okay? And
30:12
Speaker 1: then I think by addressing it, it allows your friendship
30:16
Speaker 1: to take that next step up of that being open,
30:19
Speaker 1: being honest, being vulnerable with each other, and really, you
30:23
Speaker 1: know it lets her then be vulnerable back to you.
30:28
Speaker 1: So there have been times where I have pulled up
30:30
Speaker 1: some of my best friends on things, and because of
30:33
Speaker 1: those times, and vice versa, and where they've pulled me
30:35
Speaker 1: up on things as well, and we've gotten closer because
30:38
Speaker 1: of it because we think, Wow, they feel safe and
30:42
Speaker 1: comfortable coming to me and saying that thing. Therefore, you
30:46
Speaker 1: know this, obviously, this relationship is really of value and
30:50
Speaker 1: of importance to that person, to my friend, and vice versa. Okay, So,
30:54
Speaker 1: if delivered properly with kindness, your friend will likely be like, yeah, fuck,
30:59
Speaker 1: you've called me out. It's true, it's true, I'm so sorry.
31:02
Speaker 1: I do miss you too. I'm going to make more
31:03
Speaker 1: of an effort and please pull me up again if
31:06
Speaker 1: you if I drop the ball or so and on
31:09
Speaker 1: top of that they're going to be like. I love
31:11
Speaker 1: that they felt that they could talk to me about that.
31:13
Speaker 1: I'm really happy that instead of just walking away or
31:17
Speaker 1: ignoring me, they actually loved me enough to pull me
31:20
Speaker 1: up on it and give me the opportunity to correct
31:22
Speaker 1: my behavior or to correct the course. Okay, So I
31:26
Speaker 1: really hope that helped. I really hope you do send
31:28
Speaker 1: her this message and reach out, because other than this
31:31
Speaker 1: crazy distraction in the honeymoon phase, it seems like it's
31:35
Speaker 1: a great friendship. So it would be really sad to
31:38
Speaker 1: let it go. I think people are too quick to
31:40
Speaker 1: cut off other people, and not saying that you would
31:43
Speaker 1: cut her off, but people are too quick to be like, well,
31:46
Speaker 1: so I'm glad you wrote in because it's obviously not
31:48
Speaker 1: what you want to do. And I think that relationships
31:52
Speaker 1: really do require give and take. Okay, So as long
31:56
Speaker 1: as people aren't actively trying to hurt you or whatever,
32:00
Speaker 1: this is where you can allow for you know, mistakes
32:02
Speaker 1: to be made and for repair to happen. So hopefully
32:05
Speaker 1: that helped. Hopefully you can use that use as many
32:09
Speaker 1: of my sentences if they If you're like, oh, yeah,
32:10
Speaker 1: that aligns with something I would say, just fucking copy
32:13
Speaker 1: it verbatim. I should write like templates on oh my god,
32:16
Speaker 1: I should do templates on my website of like how
32:20
Speaker 1: to start a text message and here's a template, and
32:23
Speaker 1: then like these downloadable templates for people anyway fit for
32:25
Speaker 1: thought for I was gonna say a business, but I
32:27
Speaker 1: do it. I just have it there for free for
32:28
Speaker 1: you guys to download. But anyway, let me know if
32:30
Speaker 1: you want templates on how to start hard conversations with people,
32:34
Speaker 1: and I will do them. Okay, Love you guys so much.
32:37
Speaker 1: That is the head noise for today. Please send in
32:40
Speaker 1: your voice mail head noise questions. It's on the website.
32:43
Speaker 1: There's a little thing where you can submit your voicemail
32:45
Speaker 1: question and that's at www dot dyfmpod dot com or
32:50
Speaker 1: you can email your question through it info at dyfmpod
32:53
Speaker 1: dot com. Love you so much. That is everything for today.
32:56
Speaker 1: And as always remember be can't to yourself, but can't
32:58
Speaker 1: your brain. Don't take it from anyone, and especially don't
33:02
Speaker 1: take ship from yourself. Don't care