Latest / The Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast / From Chaos to Playfulness
Transcript
- Heidi Lindeman: I am so glad that you are here today joining me. Today I want to take you into a moment of my life, into a moment that happened with my children. Because if you're anything like me, you know that the days where everything seems to unravel, like when you go from one small thing and then all of a sudden everybody's crying and throwing tantrums you can't and you're hungry and you don't really even understand why this happened so quickly or how it happened. Well, there's something that we can do. There's a way that we can shift the energy that we can bring into our lives. playfulness, creativity, and a little bit of joy and connection even in the very messy hard mom moments. Alright, so here we go. Here's the story. We had gotten home from school. My kids are really young, two and four, so they are technically at daycare. And I was making dinner. That's what I tend to do most every day when we get home from school, is I have to make dinner to feed those little mouths. I was really hungry, so I was focused on making dinner. The girls were playing or watching TV, not really sure on what was happening that day. And things were relatively okay. And then the whining started and I was like, ooh, they're getting hungry. Okay. I'm really hungry too. Okay. And trying in my mom brain to think, what do I feed them? What can I give them now that's going to hold them over enough, but not going to be a full snack that then they will don't eat their dinner. That was the bad going on in my mind at that moment. And also thinking, what can I give them that I'm okay if they don't eat their dinner, if they just eat this? They were wanting crackers and I said no, because I am really trying to focus on protein or fruits or veggies to help their bodies have a more balanced diet because they eat a lot of carbs. I ended up giving them a spoonful of peanut butter just to help them eat, which totally worked. They did, with a little bit of food, were able to go back to doing whatever it was they were doing so I could focus and get dinner made. It happened to be a longer dinner making process, which is why I gave them food. OK, so then dinner is ready. I did it. I made dinner. Really looking forward to eating because I was getting hangry. my goodness, do I get really, really angry when I am hungry? I can feel inside my body like this jitter and like the like this rising activation or annoyance. And those are the moments when I know that I am more likely to yell or do something that I don't want to do because my body is needing to eat. And the little moments of the children get in between me and eating. And I don't like that. And I do my best to be with them and get dinner on the table so we can all have our bodies nourished and then move on with the rest of our day. And this day did not go down like that. So, Kay, I'm just gonna use the first initials of my kiddo's names to protect them. She was riding her bike around in the living room. She does that often. We don't have a good bike storage, so she rides her bike around in the living room. Usually it doesn't bother me too much unless there's things on the floor or if she is wanting to run over her sister R or... bumping into me. Like if she's doing things that are disturbing other people, that's when it bothers me. But if she's just riding her bike around to get out some energy and get out some movement, it's not a big deal. Today, on this day, R was lying on the floor. She was upset and hungry and wanted me to hold her and I wasn't able to hold her because I was cooking dinner. So she was on the floor crying and K... told her to move, not very nicely. He's like, move, get out of my way. And R didn't. And then I told Kay, I'm not gonna let you run into her. If you do, I will take your bike away. She didn't run into her, but I could tell there was some amped up energy kind of starting to happen. Bring dinner to the table. I had made a sweet potato chicken kale dinner and I had pulled the chicken out for them before I mixed it all in with everything because it's more likely they're gonna eat the chicken that way and gave them like one little tiny sweet potato chunk and then I gave them something, a broccoli. Kay had actually asked for broccoli in the morning so I gave her broccoli. They didn't like it. I sat down. was trying to eat. was still on her bike. Told the rider to come sit at her. I told R to come sit at the table. She did. Kay would not. Kay was then riding her bike back and forth and bumping into the stool that I had my food on. And it was really annoying. I told her to stop and if she didn't, I was going to take her bike away. She did not stop. I took her bike away. She did not like that. And from here on out, it was just down the drain. I took her bikes away. And she immediately was crying and saying, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Give me back my bike. Give me back my bike. Trying to hit me, trying to bite me. And I wasn't letting her do that. I put her bikes into a different room, closed the door. She came into the living room where we were all hanging out and bawling as they bring tears. and she was laying on floor. So I just let her cry. I started eating my food again because I I needed the food to regulate. So Kay's crying on the floor. I'm eating food. R looks at her food and says, yuck, and won't eat it. So then goes to plays with her mermaids, which are Barbies. And all the while, Kay had found a blanket that she'd laid on the ground and then she was snuggling and she has this, she has a hugging weighted animal. It's called opal. It's a, and she loves it. And it really helps to help regulate her. And she did that for maybe 10 minutes or so. Then I told her to come sit at the table again, come eat her dinner. She picked up her food. She stood up and picked up her food and started to walk, to take it to a different place because she wanted to eat by herself, not at the table. At that point, I was like, I don't really care. I didn't say this, but I was like, in my head, I don't care where you eat. Just please put something in your body because you're hungry and falling apart because you're hungry. And as she grabbed her plate and started walking away, she hit her foot on the stool, the step, the leg of a stool and tripped and got her plate to actually land flat so that no of all the food stayed on the plate. And she skinned her knee on the rug and she was crying and crying and crying again. I picked her up, was holding her while still eating. And then that went on for a while. So after a little bit, she went out to lay back down on the blanket. And at that point, R said, that's my blanket. I want it. Because it technically is her blanket. It was a blanket that she got when she was an infant. And a friend gave it to us, and she just happens to know that. She had not been using that blanket for like 10 minutes and does not care about that blanket on a regular basis. So that then upset Kay, because Arce took it. She literally took it off of her. So then I had to negotiate that whole situation, whole blanket situation. Working with both of them, they're both crying and screaming. I'm in between them trying to hold them, get them to not hit each other, because that's been happening a lot in our house, lot of hitting and screaming and... being a two and a four year old who are dysregulated after school for a long day of school. And it was hard and I felt the pressure building more and more and more got her to give Kay back the blanket by giving her a different blanket and she was completely happy with that. And then I had to take a step outside because I couldn't handle anymore. I knew I was about to lose my ever-loving, you know what I mean? It was gonna explode. And didn't want to. So a quick step outside, but then I had to come back in right away because something else always happened. And I started giving them warnings, being like, goodness, in my mind, we might have to do an early bedtime. Can that even happen today? I don't know. So I was like, have 10 more minutes to eat your food. If you want to eat, now is your chance to eat. And then give them a five minute warning. It's still kind of chaos happening. All the while I'm going back and forth from eating to managing all this stuff. Just telling it makes me feel activated. and After all of that, after all that time, and I was like, it's now time for us to go to start getting ready to go to bed. I really still wanted them to clean up their plates. We're working very hard to get those plates cleaned up. And there was something in me that day that when I walked into the kitchen cleaning up my own plate, I wondered if I said something like, hey, you can have a treat that you can't eat if you clean up your plates. I've got something for you. They both peeked up, almost like their ears perked up like they were little dogs who were like, my goodness, something exciting is happening. And they both really effortlessly cleaned their plates up. And I was like, this is usually a battle that I lose often. Trying to get them to get their plates from the table, empty their leftover food in the trash can and then put it into what we call the dishes zone. Thanks, lazy genius Ken Radachi. She's fantastic if you don't know her, but the dishes zone is just a space that we have for dirty dishes. Ours happens to be under the sink in a bin. And they both did it really easily. And I was like, how did that happen? Especially after all of the stuff that happened before that, all of the crying and the meltdowns and the not wanting their dinner and really not eating a whole lot. What? And at the same point in my brain, I was like, okay, what surprise am I going to do? What can I use that's going to bring, shift this energy so that the rest of our bedtime routine is not the same disaster that dinner was? Because I was like, I can't handle it. I can't do this for another 20 minutes, 30 minutes to get them into bed. So I remembered something that her teacher's done. Her teacher, Kay's teacher, tends to pretend that there's something in her pocket and then use that for something. So I had them both come in the kitchen and I sat down. I got lowered my voice, I got really quiet. I was like, okay, I have something for you. Kay first, because she cleaned her dishes first. I reached deep, deep down into my pocket. I'm like wiggling around and like, okay, I know it's in here somewhere. I just can't find it. maybe it's there. don't, no, no, it's got to be deeper. Oh, oh. I got it. got it. I got it. And I pull out nothing and I hold this nothing to my ear and I'm really, really quiet. I just sit there. intently listening with my hand next to my ear. And then I say, mm, yeah, uh-huh, okay, okay. All right, I'll let her know. And then I tell K Hey. A little birdie told me something and I whisper in her ear, a little birdie just told me that you are an amazing, loving, really fun, silly person and that you need five kisses. Is it five? Do you think it's five? And then Kay says, no, it's 9,600. 9,600, okay. And then I proceed to hug her and I kiss her on her cheeks, on her head, on her neck, on her shoulders, all over 9,600 times. Really not 9,600 times because I can't even count that high, but a lot. And then I asked her, are you done? Was that enough? She's like, no, I need a few more. And I give her a few more. And then she feels all settled. So then it's R's turn. Did the same thing, reached into my pocket, pull out something and I say, the birdie has to tell me something. And I listen. And then I leaned into R and I whisper into her ear, a little birdie just told me that you are an amazing child. I love you so much. You are so fun and creative and learning so many new things. I really did try to tell them both different things. I can't fully remember what I told them now, but I did try to really match it to who they are individually as humans to let them know that I really do notice them and understand them. And then I told R that, that Birdie said that you need three really big hugs, is that right? And she looks at me she's like, no, two. She happens to be two and two is her favorite number. I gave her way more than two hugs. And then Kay also started giving her hugs and kisses and They both started laughing while I was kissing them and hugging them and thinking it was the most fun. And I could just see the joy on their little faces come right in. And it shifted the entire household energy. There was joy, laughter, and best of all, there was a strong connection between me and my kids. And that made bedtime way easier. So what I want you to really hear is that you can hold the boundary and you can hold the love. When a child's crying because they didn't get what they want, they stubbed their toe or dinner is messy and you're feeling all the feels, you can still show up with empathy and connection. And the magic, that playful moment, that made clearing of the plates happen. The rules didn't change, expectations didn't change, but the connection did and it made a huge impact. And that's what emotional intelligence looks like in real life. Little by little, kids feel safe to cry. They feel seen when they're upset. They feel held. And you, the mother, feel capable of holding both your own needs, being hungry, tired, needing dinner, and their needs. So what can you bring home from this? Here's a few takeaways. When tears erupt, you don't have to freeze them out. You can sit with them. You can hold space while you still eat. When you set expectations, you don't have to abandon them to be nice. You can stay firm and loving at once. Add play into it as much as you can. When the mood is heavy, you can shift the energy with play, creativity and connection without being perfect. And for you, dear mama, when you feel the stress, the tears, the plate clearing battles, I want to remind you, you are doing meaningful work. The invisible things you do, the hugs, the playful whispers, the invisible bird moments, they're actually the soil of connection and emotional growth. So I'd like to give you a free offer if you would like it. I have a audio message mom bundle. So messages for mom bundle. They're short, two to five minute messages for those hard moments. Those moments when you're feeling shame, guilt, anger, you just yelled at your kids, the messy moments. The moments you just really need to be reminded that you're doing a good job. that you are enough, that you are worthy and that your work matters, that you matter as a mom. So I have one of those audios for free, the 10th one that really reminds you that you matter than your loved. So you can go ahead and click on the link in the show notes to get that right now to remind yourself that you, mama, do matter and that you're not in this alone. So can use that anytime you need that reminder and a pause in your day. So thank you so much for listening and being here today. Thank you for all the work that you're doing, for being the mom who you are, for being committed to growing and changing and evolving, and also really letting go and not being perfect. That actually there's a whole lot more that you can do by not doing. To connect with your children, to love them, to hold their emotional safety and yours. That's what this work is for. So thank you, mama, for showing up, for yourself, and for your kids.