Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #502 Raising a Mini Me

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#502 Raising a Mini Me · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: Now, if we just remember they're their own person, they're
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: not us, I think we can have that little bit
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  Speaker 2: of extra detachment, that little bit of extra psychological distance
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  Speaker 2: from what's going on.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Hello. This is doctor Justin Coulson, the founder of Happy
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  Speaker 2: Families dot com do AU and the parenting expert and
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  Speaker 2: co host of Channel Line's Parental Guidance. Season two starts
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  Speaker 2: filming soon. I'm here with Kylie, mum to our six
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  Speaker 2: daughters and my wife. Happy Mother's Day yesterday, Honey.
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  Speaker 3: Why thank you?
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  Speaker 2: Did you enjoy the fact that we didn't have a
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  Speaker 2: bathroom to flood because we're homeless. Did you like the
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  Speaker 2: fact that our ceiling didn't fall in like last year?
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  Speaker 3: I was so grateful, and I was even more grateful
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  Speaker 3: for the storeboard, the gift instead of the extra thought
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  Speaker 3: that went until last year.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, low key. We kept it really simple because I
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  Speaker 2: feel like we've been a little bit. I don't want
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  Speaker 2: I don't want to make light of real trauma. I
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  Speaker 2: was going to say, I feel like we were a
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  Speaker 2: bit traumatized from last year. It's really well, I know
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  Speaker 2: the house was yeah, yeah, yeah, we got it together anyway,
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  Speaker 2: today a conversation that I think is a really curious one.
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  Speaker 2: When you're raising a mini me, have you noticed that
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  Speaker 2: sometimes the kids are just like us? And it's infuriating,
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  Speaker 2: like could they just be a little bit less like
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  Speaker 2: all of the bad stuff, those traits that keep on
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  Speaker 2: popping up, and we get so annoyed because they're just
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  Speaker 2: like we were when they're or even now, not just
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  Speaker 2: when we were their age, but even even today. Do
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  Speaker 2: you notice that the kids are a bit like us.
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  Speaker 2: It's funny.
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  Speaker 3: We had friends way back when we only had a
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  Speaker 3: couple of children who used to call our second daughter.
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  Speaker 2: Mini justin Yeah, yeah, you wouldn't call her by.
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  Speaker 3: A first name because he just thought she looked so
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  Speaker 3: much like you.
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  Speaker 2: Poor kid. I'm so sorry, Abby, I'm so sorry. She
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  Speaker 2: didn't love it. No, she still doesn't. Every now and again,
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  Speaker 2: people say, wow, you look just like your dad. She's like, wow,
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  Speaker 2: thanks so much. I appreciate that, and I want a
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  Speaker 2: couple let people say that to a little girl or
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  Speaker 2: a grown girl about how much like her dad she looks.
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  Speaker 2: But do you think you have a mini me?
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  Speaker 3: Do you think one of the kids is more like
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  Speaker 3: you than the others.
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  Speaker 2: Well, we're not talking physiologically, we're not talking about physical appearance.
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  Speaker 2: I think so. I think our third daughter, Ella, she's
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  Speaker 2: totally cruisy, great sense of humor, really laid back. She's
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  Speaker 2: just an absolute crack up all the time, and isn't
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  Speaker 2: an anomaly. She is not you. Every day is the
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  Speaker 2: best day of her life. You don't think that's me. No,
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  Speaker 2: she's so optimistic about everything. I was going to say
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  Speaker 2: our first daughter.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, who doesn't take no for an answer.
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  Speaker 2: You're saying that like it's a bad thing.
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  Speaker 3: Well it isn't.
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  Speaker 2: It's not. Uh huh.
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  Speaker 3: It has its challenges, but no, she's a go getter.
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  Speaker 3: She knows what she wants and she makes a beeline
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  Speaker 3: for it. She's really good with people, she's great with networking.
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  Speaker 3: She just knows who to speak to and she just
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  Speaker 3: she knows what she wants and she goes for it.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's you. I'm so glad. I'm going to take
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  Speaker 2: that as a positive because that is kind of me.
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  Speaker 2: But we've got kids, I mean, we have six of them,
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  Speaker 2: so they've obviously they're going to inherit our traits. And
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  Speaker 2: when I talk to parents, this conversation comes up all
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  Speaker 2: the time, this idea that I can't stand when my
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  Speaker 2: kids are behaving like this because I'm just seeing a
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  Speaker 2: mirror image of me. And the thing is, quite often
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  Speaker 2: we say things like, oh, yeah, she's just like her father,
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  Speaker 2: and we always say to the negative. It's never in
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  Speaker 2: the positive. Yes, she's belligerent, or she's persistent, or she's
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  Speaker 2: having a tandrum just like her father. It's always in
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  Speaker 2: the negative. And I think I think that we can
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  Speaker 2: learn a lot from these conversations as we consider our
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  Speaker 2: children and how to deal with our kids when they
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  Speaker 2: are just like us. Before we go on, though, Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: I do want to highlight really quickly, one of the
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  Speaker 2: things that I love about our kids is their soft nature.
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  Speaker 2: And you've taught that to me, and you've taught it
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  Speaker 2: to our children, and I love that. I love seeing that.
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  Speaker 2: And also they're so creative, which they get from you
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  Speaker 2: as well, because my creativity I'm about as creative as
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  Speaker 2: I don't know, a box of apples, not very creative
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  Speaker 2: at all. Was that a creative thing to say about creativity.
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  Speaker 2: I'm wondering if I was more. No, it wasn't. See,
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  Speaker 2: I'm just not creative. I'm so uncreative. I can't think
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  Speaker 2: of any sort of parallel or analogy for how uncreative
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  Speaker 2: I am. But our kids they love to use their
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  Speaker 2: hands and draw and craft and do all those things.
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  Speaker 2: They've learned that from you. There are so many great
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  Speaker 2: things that we can we can find when we look
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  Speaker 2: at our children's situation. I don't think that we should
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  Speaker 2: always be highlighting the negatives that they have, and folks
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  Speaker 2: on how they're parallel to the negatives that we possess
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  Speaker 2: from a character or personality point of view.
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  Speaker 3: It's interesting we've talked about this a little bit over
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  Speaker 3: the last few weeks, this acknowledgement that to every trait
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  Speaker 3: there is a positive and a negative to it. And
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  Speaker 3: when we see negative traits in our children that remind
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  Speaker 3: them of ourselves, I think it's really important to highlight
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  Speaker 3: that at that point, we actually haven't learned to accept ourselves.
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  Speaker 3: We haven't learnt to recognize that we have areas in
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  Speaker 3: our life that need working on that and that's okay.
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  Speaker 3: We're not supposed to have it all together and and
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  Speaker 3: not our kids. I think we look at our kids
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  Speaker 3: sometimes and think, I want them to know what I
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  Speaker 3: know now as a.
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  Speaker 2: Forty year old, as a five year old, right right.
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  Speaker 3: We want them to be honest and kind and you know,
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  Speaker 3: share with their sisters or whatever it is. We want
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  Speaker 3: them to do it. When it's taken us, however, many
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  Speaker 3: years to kind of get to that point ourselves.
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  Speaker 2: I remember, and I'm maybe disclosing a little bit excessively here,
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  Speaker 2: but I'll do it anyway. As a kid, I was
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  Speaker 2: pretty manipulative. As a kid. I learned how to say
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  Speaker 2: the right things and manipulate my way into and out
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  Speaker 2: of situations quite well well. And I've watched as a
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  Speaker 2: couple of our children have demonstrated the capacity they've developed,
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  Speaker 2: the ability to be kind of manipulative with us, with
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  Speaker 2: their grandparents, and even with their sisters. And there has
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  Speaker 2: been many times where I've thought, oh, my goodness, I
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  Speaker 2: am literally raising a mini me. I'm seeing that same
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  Speaker 2: manipulative tendency. Now, I don't believe that I really possessed
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  Speaker 2: that in any meaningful way anymore. I feel like I've
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  Speaker 2: purged that from my personality and character because it's not
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  Speaker 2: an attractive characteristic at all. I certainly hope that I have,
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  Speaker 2: but watching that in the kids, it's really hard to take.
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  Speaker 2: And I want to come down harder on them because
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  Speaker 2: of it, because I don't want them to have that
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  Speaker 2: unattractive characteristic. And I love the way you've tied that
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  Speaker 2: in with a sense of identity. The older I've gotten
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  Speaker 2: and the more I've hopefully improved my character and stepped
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  Speaker 2: away from those kinds of tendencies, the less concerned I
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  Speaker 2: am about our children demonstrating them, because I know that
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  Speaker 2: I grew through it and I figured it out, and
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  Speaker 2: I know that they can too, especially as they watch
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  Speaker 2: you and I not doing that not being like that.
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  Speaker 2: They'll learn, they'll figure it out as they pass through
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  Speaker 2: their maturing process. But I love this concept that you've highlighted, Kylie,
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  Speaker 2: about if we can accept ourselves, if we have a
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  Speaker 2: high level of personal identity, high level of personal acceptance,
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  Speaker 2: then we're probably going to be a lot less judgmental,
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  Speaker 2: a lot less likely to shame our children, a lot
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  Speaker 2: less worried if they possess some of those same attributes
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  Speaker 2: and characteristics that we possess. After the break, another couple
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  Speaker 2: of ideas about what to do when you're raising a
• 7:27
  Speaker 2: mini Meme. Tweens, Teens and Screens is the webinar you
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: need if you're struggling with screen time at home. Join
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: me as I unpacked the simplest methods to deal with
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: the screen scene and eliminate the drama without having to
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: ban all devices. Even in some of the trickiest situations,
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: screens can work in your family's favor even if you
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: have tweens and teens. Check out Tweens, Teens and Screens
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: at Happy families dot com dot au.
• 7:59
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Family podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now and I'm wondering,
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  Speaker 3: have we got any tips for raising mini Me's.
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  Speaker 2: The first thing that I think of when I consider
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  Speaker 2: this challenge of oh my goodness, I'm raising a child
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  Speaker 2: and they're just like me. Other than do I accept
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  Speaker 2: myself for who I am? So can I be okay
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  Speaker 2: with them? It kind of ties in is that they
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  Speaker 2: are their own people. And I think this is a
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  Speaker 2: really critical concept. We're raising a child who is not us.
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  Speaker 2: Your child is not you. So even if they do
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  Speaker 2: have some similarities in terms of their characteristics, their tendencies,
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  Speaker 2: their personality attributes. They're not you, and they're not going
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  Speaker 2: to grow up and do what you did. They're growing
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  Speaker 2: up in a different home, with different parents, with a
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  Speaker 2: different social setting, a different context. Everything about the world
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  Speaker 2: that they're growing up in is different to the world
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  Speaker 2: that you grew up in. And while there has to
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  Speaker 2: be I mean, it's a biological imperative that there are
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  Speaker 2: going to be similarities, it can't be that your child
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  Speaker 2: will become you. They're not going to make the same
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  Speaker 2: mistakes that you do. And even if they do, they'll
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  Speaker 2: learn different lessons and they'll progress and develop through those
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  Speaker 2: differently to you. But they will grow, develop and progress.
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  Speaker 2: And if we just remember they're their own person they're
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  Speaker 2: not us, I think we can have that little bit
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  Speaker 2: of extra detachment, that little bit of extra psychological distance
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  Speaker 2: from what's going on, where we're not projecting our own
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  Speaker 2: stuff onto them and forcing them down the same channels
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  Speaker 2: and pathways that we went.
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  Speaker 3: When I think about this, I go back to that
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  Speaker 3: conversation again. We've had this so many times about compassion.
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  Speaker 3: I think as parents we want to be the judge.
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  Speaker 3: We actually literally it's almost like we look into the
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  Speaker 3: future and we determine what our kids outcome.
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  Speaker 2: We become a super forecaster. Yeah, oh my goodness, this
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  Speaker 2: is what you're doing. Therefore, this is who you will
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  Speaker 2: be in twenty seven years. Your life's going to be
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  Speaker 2: a disaster. You're going to end up in jail because
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  Speaker 2: I caught you that you've been caught shoplifting by the
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  Speaker 2: police at the age of twelve, and now your future
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  Speaker 2: is planned, it's mapped out. Yeah, I totally hear.
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  Speaker 3: And yet, if we were to think back on the
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  Speaker 3: experiences we had with new eyes and ask ourselves, how
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  Speaker 3: were we treated or responded to in those circumstances, and
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  Speaker 3: how do we wish our parents had have been able
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  Speaker 3: to show up more times than not? I think that
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  Speaker 3: we would feel that we wished there was just more compassion,
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  Speaker 3: that we weren't left feeling like we were the worst
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  Speaker 3: person in the world or guilt ridden and shame filled.
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  Speaker 3: And if we can tap into that, I feel like
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  Speaker 3: we're going to show up more compassionately with our own
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  Speaker 3: children and give them the space that they need to recognize, Okay,
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  Speaker 3: I made a mistake.
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  Speaker 2: How do I rectify this?
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  Speaker 3: What do I do to move forward?
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  Speaker 2: What a lot of about this is we're actually saying,
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  Speaker 2: I believe that you can grow. Yeah, I believe that
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  Speaker 2: you can grow through this. And I don't know if
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  Speaker 2: you've noticed this, but I feel like our kids are
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  Speaker 2: better than I ever was at their age. I feel
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  Speaker 2: like they're more mature. I feel like they're more focused.
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  Speaker 2: I feel like they're more developed that I ever was.
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  Speaker 2: I'm so proud of how they are because when I
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  Speaker 2: was their age. I've got journals from when I was
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  Speaker 2: that age, and when I do take the time to
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  Speaker 2: have a quick flick through those journals and look at
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  Speaker 2: what I was writing at their age, I can't believe
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  Speaker 2: how immature I was. I can't believe what my thinking was.
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  Speaker 2: I'm kind of embarrassed about who I was, and I
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  Speaker 2: don't see that in our kids. I see it's totally
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  Speaker 2: different level of capacity, awareness, capability.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: One of the things that I really love, and yet
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  Speaker 3: at times it can be the bane of my parenting existence,
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  Speaker 3: is the fact that my children have a voice. Growing up,
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  Speaker 3: I didn't feel like I had the capacity to have
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  Speaker 3: a voice or have an opinion, and I never wanted
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  Speaker 3: that for my children, but obviously, as a parent raising
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  Speaker 3: children who do have a voice, it means that there's
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  Speaker 3: lots of times there's friction because they're immature and they
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  Speaker 3: don't have the capacity to share that voice in appropriate
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  Speaker 3: ways at times, and it can be really jarring as
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  Speaker 3: a parentless to it. But if I take a step back,
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  Speaker 3: I love, I absolutely love that my kids know what
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  Speaker 3: they want and they're able to articulate that. And hopefully,
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  Speaker 3: in time, with more training and more beautiful, compassionate parenting,
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  Speaker 3: they will become better at it and more skilled at
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  Speaker 3: using that voice in appropriate ways.
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  Speaker 2: But I just love.
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  Speaker 3: I love that they share their thoughts.
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  Speaker 2: So a quick summary and then a couple more ideas.
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  Speaker 2: First Off, if you're raising a child who is just
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  Speaker 2: like you and it's driving you crazy, hint number one,
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  Speaker 2: except yourself. Hint number two, Recognize that they're their own person,
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  Speaker 2: they're not you, and their circumstances are different. Number three.
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  Speaker 2: Show them some compassion, which is what you needed. Another
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  Speaker 2: idea is that I think that we can just show
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  Speaker 2: them a better way. If they are just like we were,
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  Speaker 2: let's demonstrate to them that that's not how they have
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  Speaker 2: to stay. If we were manipulative, for example, we can
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: demonstrate to them that we're not manipulative anymore, and that
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  Speaker 2: we're actually into empowering other people and giving them their
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  Speaker 2: own voice and their own opportunity to figure things out,
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  Speaker 2: rather than saying, I'm going to make the situation work
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  Speaker 2: in my favor, so we could do that. That would be
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  Speaker 2: another idea. And the last one that I had jotted
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  Speaker 2: down was just this concept. We've sort of danced around
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  Speaker 2: it a few times in this discussion, but a concept
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  Speaker 2: of identity, or maybe just the standard standard is a
• 13:22
  Speaker 2: better word for it. We often hold our children to
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  Speaker 2: a standard that is impossible for us to achieve even now,
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  Speaker 2: let alone. When we kind of goes back to you
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  Speaker 2: kind of hinted at this earlier. We're in our forties,
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  Speaker 2: and we expect that our six year old or our
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  Speaker 2: twelve year old or our fifteen year old is going
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  Speaker 2: to be able to do at think behave with the
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: same level of maturity, the same level of capacity that
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  Speaker 2: we do now, because we've taught them everything that we
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  Speaker 2: know and they should just know better.
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  Speaker 3: The biggest one I can think of a simpling rivalry.
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  Speaker 3: I was just an awful big sister to my sisters,
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  Speaker 3: and yet they're my best friends now, and I see
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  Speaker 3: our kids treating each other unkindly, and I'm like, if
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  Speaker 3: you only knew, Yeah, they're going to be your best
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  Speaker 3: friend one day? Is it just be kind?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah? I love that. So let's wrap up with
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  Speaker 2: a take home message. When your child is just like
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  Speaker 2: you and it's driving you up the wall, love them.
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  Speaker 2: Just love them for their mistakes, embrace them and delight
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  Speaker 2: in them, and find joy in who they are right
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: now and in their progress. And the only way you'll
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: be able to do that is if you accept you
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  Speaker 2: for who you are. What can you do to be
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  Speaker 2: more accepting a view in spite of all your mistakes
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  Speaker 2: and failings and mishaps and inability to get it together
• 14:40
  Speaker 2: all the time, How can you accept you more? Because
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: the more you can accept yourself and be comfortable and
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: confident in who you are, the easier it will be
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: to accept your child, especially if they're just like you.
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: The Happy Families podcast is produced by Justin Ruhland from
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: Bridge Media Jr. We love your work, Thanks so much
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: for all of your help. Bruce is our executive producer,
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: And if you'd like more info about making your family happier,
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: specifically and particularly about how you can stop using Carrots
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: and Sticks to manipulate the way your children are going
• 15:14
  Speaker 2: to behave. We've got a webinar coming up on the
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: sixteenth of May. It's a Monday Night Carrots and Sticks.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: You can get all the information you need about that one.
• 15:22
  Speaker 2: It's going to be an absolute ripper at happy families
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: dot com dot au