Latest / The Mental Healness Podcast / Why I don’t hate my narcissistic father

Transcript

Why I don’t hate my narcissistic father · The Mental Healness Podcast

0:00
So people ask me all the time, Lee, how can you talk about
0:05
narcissist and be so calm? Don't you hate narcissist being
0:10
that you are one? Don't you hate yourself?
0:13
Don't. Don't you hate your father who's
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a who was also probably narcissistic now y'all for years
0:22
the answer was yes, I absolutely hated narcissistic people,
0:25
including myself. And I absolutely did have a
0:29
hatred for my own father who is possibly a narcissist himself,
0:32
right? Or just highly narcissistic
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traumatized at minimum. And seriously, in order to
0:38
become better, in order to heal, I had to get to the point where
0:43
I I really don't hate my father. Like I'm diagnosed with
0:47
narcissistic personality disorder and I myself had to
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look at his own childhood trauma, his own childhood
0:54
experience to help me find my own peace in this type of
0:57
situation, right? Like seriously.
1:00
And it just this what goes on right here in my mind and how
1:02
things work. I had to look at what he went
1:05
through in order to heal, right? Seriously.
1:08
And that's how it works for me. That's this is the thing that
1:10
has worked out for me the the the best in my own personal
1:13
situation is to understand what he went through in order to, in
1:17
order to make myself not necessarily feel better, just be
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better overall in general. You know what I mean?
1:23
So let's hop right into like the story time or whatnot, right?
1:29
I used to hate my dad so much so that he was in control of my
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emotions. You know what I mean?
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My therapy, when I would go to therapy and I would talk about
1:37
him, I would get highly emotional.
1:39
There's probably more angry than anything, right?
1:41
And my therapist told me one day she was like you.
1:45
She's this is how she put it. She's like you.
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She's like, you hate when people are in control of you, right?
1:51
Yes, I do. I hate.
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I can't stand when people have power and control over me.
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And she was like, your dad has power over you.
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I'm like, what? How he didn't he what?
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And she's like, look, look how emotional you're getting right
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now. Look how angry you're getting
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when you talk about him. Your emotions spike.
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So you're not in control. He is that woke me up right
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there. I said, well, how do I get, how
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do I get my control back? She's like, you have to figure
2:18
that out on your own in the issues when you're dealing with
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him. So of course I go home, right?
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I go home and I don't really have a relationship with him.
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I don't talk to him, right? I know where he's at.
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I know where he lives and whatnot.
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So I don't I get on ancestry.com, right?
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I get on ancestry.com and I start putting in my grandma's
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information. I start putting in my, my dad's
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name and his information and stuff like that.
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And I'm starting to fill out my, I'm starting to fill out my
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family tree. And I was just like, what was my
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dad's relationship like with his own father, right?
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I'm like, what was his? What was his relationship like?
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Maybe that could help bring me some understanding.
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I've never met my paternal grandfather, so I don't know.
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I would like what I don't even know his name.
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So luckily when I put my grandma's name in, you know how
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ancestry.com gives you those hints like here's your little,
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the little leaf will pop up. It says hint.
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And a hint came up, the marriage certificate, right with my
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grandma. And my grandpa's are like, oh,
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at least I know his. At least I know his name now.
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So I found out his name, clicked on his name.
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I was like, OK. And then once I put his name in
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the family tree, he gave me another hint.
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I was like, OK, that's his name. Here's another hint.
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I'm starting to build off the family tree and once I see, like
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I said, once I get to the point where I'm seeing his, the family
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tree pop up, I'm like, OK, cool, I'll understand this.
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And the hint that popped up with my grandfather was his death
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certificate, right? His death certificate was the
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hint that popped up. I was like, oh, he's he's not
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alive. I thought his dad, I honestly
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thought my grandfather was still alive.
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He just wasn't around. So I'm just like, he's still
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alive. Where he at?
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You know what I mean? He's he's, he's, he's passed
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away. Where is he at?
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So I get online, I mean, I, I look on there, I zoom in on the
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the death certificate. You know what pops up?
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You know what pops up? The cause of death, right?
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His cause of death pops up and it said small caliber gunshot
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wound to the head. So even in that instance right
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there, I was like, oh man, my grandfather killed himself,
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right? He took, he took his own life.
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He was so depressed or whatever he's going through, he decided
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like, hey, this is it right here.
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He took his own life, He took himself out.
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And this right here is that y'all can see it.
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You can see it right here. This is a deficit figure right
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here. You can zoom in.
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It won't let me zoom in anymore. But this word's right.
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You scroll to the bottom of it, it says small caliber gunshot
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wound to the head. He shot himself like literally,
5:00
literally with three kids in the house.
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He took his own life. My dad, my uncle and my aunt
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were all in the house along with my grandma.
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And he's right himself. And I'm assuming in this in this
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circumstance that my dad, who was in the house 7 or 8 at the
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time, found him or here at least knew he was, knew he was gone.
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You it's 5:30 in the morning on a Monday, school days.
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Pow. You going to get you're going to
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you're going to hear that you're going to wake up, you're going
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to go downstairs. What would that sound, Mama?
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You're going to go in the bathroom or whatever.
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You're going to see your father in there under the floor dead.
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So he found his dad dead. His he he my own father lost his
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father to the suicide. So imagine being a kid in your
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world just ends right there at 7:00 or 8 years old.
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And y'all know back then they didn't have like trauma informed
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care, especially for little black boys in North Carolina, in
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Ruffin, right? They told men and boys to suck
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it up. So he had to, he had to go to
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school. You know what I'm saying?
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Your father takes his own life on a Sunday, on Monday, early
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Monday morning. You probably back in school by
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the end of the week, right? You back in school by the end of
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the week. So to me, when I heard that
6:20
story, it helped me understand that my own dad, he wasn't
6:25
trying to be a villain, right? He wasn't trying to be a
6:29
villain. He just had nothing in he just
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had nothing left in the tank. He didn't have no coping skills
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like his father just committed suicide.
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And this is what he got to do with go back to school.
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He was emotionally just drained, emotionally bankrupt, you know,
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because his his, his, his, his emotional bank was robbed when
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he was a kid. And what can he do about that
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right there, right? You know, So that part right
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there helped me understand that, hey, this, you know what I mean?
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It doesn't excuse his behaviors or his absence, right?
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But it just gave me understanding to release a lot
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of the anger and damn near hatred that I have for him over
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the years because of this situation, right?
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Because of how it all, because of how it went down and it
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resonated. So that's what it helped me
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understand a lot of it right there because I like damn this,
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this is what he's been through. This is what has happened.
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This is the part of you know what I mean?
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It just helped me understand it right there.
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So it got to the point where I, I understood what he had went
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through as a child, right? But of course, y'all
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understanding does not excuse it.
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Like his, his understanding, his trauma.
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Like explain to me why he was neglectful, but it doesn't make
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the neglect OK. You see what I'm saying?
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It helped me just release a lot of the anger from his neglect.
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But it's just like I understood it, right?
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I understood it like the compassion for me, the
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understanding for me is me realizing he's a broken man,
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right? He's he's just, he's
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dysfunctional. He's a dysfunctional adult,
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right? Like it just like just
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understanding, like permission. It's just really crazy.
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I, I really did choose compassion, but it helped.
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It helped me understand it, right?
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It helped me understand a lot more why he behaves and acts the
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way you do. It's going to go why he does a
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lot of the things he going to do right there.
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I saw this right here. Lee, you might want to look into
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why your grandpa ended his life in a way, because it might
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revise you. No.
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So I did. I did it as well.
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I told my therapist that. And my therapist said that he
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probably, she thinks that he had undiagnosed schizophrenia,
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right? Yeah.
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She thinks he had undiagnosed schizophrenia, so he started
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hearing voices and the voices probably told him, hey, you
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know, you, you know what would make me stop?
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Take that gun and shoot yourself.
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You know what I'm saying, 'cause I have schizoid traits, there's
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traits in my DNA for it from it, right?
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So I have schizoid traits, but he took his own life, you know
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what I'm saying? That's a big part of what
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happened. She thought he had undiagnosed
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schizophrenia. So that kind of end up being a
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wake up call right there, you know, and what not.
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But also I said understanding that, just like, yeah, when I,
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when I seen that, when I saw that, it helped me understand so
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much. It helped me release so much
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unnecessary anger and hatred. I was like, damn it, it was, it
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was like it became a cathartic release, right?
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Although I still don't have a relationship with him right now
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necessarily, right? It became a cathartic release
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for me because like that, damn, I understand why you are the way
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you are, you know, but it doesn't excuse the behaviors.
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Like now, Yeah. Now if I told you the shit
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that's going on right now, like it's kind of crazy right now.
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This stuff that goes on right now, just he's still out here
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right now at 60 years old doing things because of the, you know,
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because of the trauma. It just that he hasn't got help.
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He's 60 years old, still out here doing things.
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Like, once things are confirmed, I'll be a little bit more
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specific. But like, he's still out here,
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you know, possibly reproducing at 60 years old with young folk,
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with younger, not underage, but like young people in their 20s
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or whatever. So having, you know, possibly.
10:05
Oh, Yikes. That touch, that tough
10:07
schizophrenia, a lot of people. Yeah, it can be extremely tough
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right here, y'all. Yeah.
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It's what, it's what a situation like.
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But it did help me understand. It helped me kind of wake up to
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what was going on, right. He helped me just release a lot
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of hatred and unnecessary anger that I have for him to
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understand that his own father just seriously woke up 1 morning
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and it maybe, maybe his dad, maybe his own father was dealing
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with a lot of voices, dealing with a lot of his own mental
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health issues. So that's why he decided to just
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end it all at I think he was 27 years.
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I think my, I think my, my grandfather took his own life.
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He was, he was, I think he's 27 years old because I, because I
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zoom in on it. Y'all matter of fact, damn, it
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just happened March say if I look at the the death
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certificate right here, y'all I I can put it on.
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I can put it on the screen right here like maybe I don't think
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it's a death certificate, but it's it's something maybe it's a
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death certificate like if I put it on the screen, where'd it go?
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I just had it. If y'all can you can screen out
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and put it in. But like it said that he was 28
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years old. He was born March 18th, 1945 and
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he died March 3rd, 1974. So he was 28 years old when he
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took his own life. And then you scroll to the
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bottom, it says immediate cause of death.
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It says gunshot wound of a small caliber to the head, gunshot
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wound of head, small caliber, right?
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It's crazy. So it says it says actual
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suicide, homicide undetermined. It says suicide, self-inflicted.
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5:45 AM home, Ruffin, NC, right? 5:45 AM.
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So it's just kind of crazy, you know, I mean, I actually looked
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up the address of where he was, where he had done it at that
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house doesn't exist anymore, right?
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He says Route 2, Box 185, that the address doesn't exist
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anymore. And there's my grandma's name.
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Mary Francis, Rest in peace. Mary Francis, rest in peace,
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grandma. But yeah, that's a great yeah.
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When I, let's say it helped me wake up, a lot of this stuff
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happened. It didn't help me wake up to a
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lot of the stuff that's going on in my life and helped me
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understand a lot of it, right? It really did.
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When I once I woke up to it, I'm like, damn, it's understandable
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why he did the things that he did.
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He does. Let's say it doesn't.
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It doesn't. It doesn't.
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Don't forgive me. I'm like, you're forgiven for
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everything you have done and everything you will do.
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That's not how that worked. Let's keep it real.
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That's not how that worked out. It would not seriously, that's
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not how it works. It would not.
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But it's like it did help me release a lot of that stuff that
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I had for him. And like I said, understanding
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you can lead to compassion, but compassion doesn't lead to
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compassion doesn't have to lead to ignorance and allowing
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somebody in your space that doesn't deserve to be there,
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right? It just in this space right
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there it says your dad could have grew up, grew up feeling
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slighted and romanticized what happened as that would be, but
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we already. Yeah, exactly.
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That's what I was going to say. I understand that right there as
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well. Unanswered questions leaves our
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mind and seeking answers for a long time.
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Finding stuff like you did helps you because you finally begin to
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understand. Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep.
13:04
Narcissists, unemotional attacks of parents are not born that
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way. They're made their way living in
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their parent's childhood. Yeah, you can understand their
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behaviors better. You could.
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It could definitely be a possibility of that, of
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understanding the behaviors better right there in that
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space. But it's.
13:18
Yeah, it still doesn't. You know, it can make it better,
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but sometimes I can just make you angry.
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It still lead to you being angry because you understand and you
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see it. But it's like, OK, now you're
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60. You're now you're 50, now you're
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40. Why not work on it?
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You couldn't. You didn't.
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Those things didn't exist in your childhood for you, for you
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might maybe not to get help. But what about now?
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What about now? Right.
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I think that's important to recognize as well.
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What about right now? It didn't exist in your
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childhood, but what about right now?
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Understanding doesn't change the fields that were experienced,
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but we can understand. Yep, Definitely less than above.
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You have to forgive every and anyone, but don't forget.
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Yeah, I I So I get a big part of it right there.
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I'm not right there. I'm not a fan of forgiving every
14:08
unit, anyone and everyone. Now I'm not.
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That's not how my mind works. I don't think everybody deserves
14:13
forgiveness. I understand forgiveness is not
14:15
about them. It's about yourself.
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But I don't think everybody understand everybody deserves
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forgiveness. I can.
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I can still move forward and be angry as some bullshit you've
14:22
done years ago. It doesn't mean I have to
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forgive you, you hear me? Because some people y'all.
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I don't forgive evil hell doll, you know?
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But I understand where you're coming from, though, AJ.
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Ain't nothing but a number. It really was.
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You know, sometimes forgive yourself is the win.
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Yeah. Forgive yourself is for me,
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especially on my own journey, forgiving myself is a huge part
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of me being able to move forward and navigating my own life and
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my own life experiences, right? Being able to forgive myself is
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one of the biggest things that I've one of the best things I've
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been able to do as I've been moving forward, as I've been
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healing, as I've been trying to make things make sense of
15:00
everything. You know what I mean?
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But it goes on right there. So what do you, what do y'all
15:03
think about me, Brett? Y'all remember this show I used
15:06
to do Waving the Red Flag? What do you think about me?
15:09
Me doing that and just doing live interviews and storytelling
15:12
and stuff like that like I used to?
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I used to do that. It's been my over little over a
15:16
year album. I used to do Waving the Red Flag
15:18
show. I think about bringing that back
15:21
considering that right there, right.
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He put me through so much with his diabetes and drinking.
15:25
I'm in a hotel for seven weeks until I move South.
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He's making everything harder for me and he's acting like I'm
15:30
in convenience to him. Yeah, please be safe.
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Please be safe. Please be safe.
15:35
Not everyone deserves forgiveness.
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Yeah, that's how I feel like that.
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Forgiving yourself is tough right there.
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The way one, the one of the best ways I had to forgive myself was
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like literally I had to. I sat inside, I sat in the
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bathroom mirror, right? And I was crying and saying I,
15:48
I'm look, I'm looking at myself in the mirror.
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I say, I'm saying I forgive you and accept you have not only you
15:53
have to forgive yourself, you yourself have to accept the
15:56
apologies. You're the forgiveness right
15:58
there, right? Yeah, she's like, yes, for the
16:01
show. I'm bringing it back soon.
16:02
Never been able to catch your live stream.
16:04
I'm going to start doing more consistent live stream job.
16:06
I just had to be more consistent with it.
16:07
I I've I've fallen off, like I said, people.
16:09
It's just like my YouTube channel is kind of tanking right
16:12
now and I'm trying to find ways to wake people.
16:14
Wake it up because people barely click on the videos and I have
16:17
over half a million subscribers and people barely click on the
16:19
videos now. It just like, you know what I
16:22
mean? It's kind of depressing
16:24
sometimes. Like you have this many Subs,
16:26
you have a channel that has 10,000 followers and gets way
16:30
more interaction. It's, it's frustrating.
16:32
I have watched so many of your videos.
16:35
I appreciate that. And I always appreciate you
16:37
being a narcissist. Does it bother you that you're
16:38
not needed for, I guess for a normal narcissist, yeah, Yeah.
16:45
The replay would be up in a little bit.
16:48
I always remember my ex when listening to your stuff.
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She's a narc and several times was lying about being pregnant.
16:53
Oh God, that's evil. That's so evil.
16:55
That is really evil. The day I told him I'm leaving
16:59
is not the day I'm leaving. I Oh, OK, there you go.
17:01
There you go. But abandoning your stuff, Yeah,
17:03
sometimes it's it's it's worth their sacrifice to give up stuff
17:05
to be free. I know I'm late, but why do I
17:08
attract narcissistic men? You might attract a lot of men.
17:10
I see your profile picture. You're cute.
17:12
So you might attract a lot of men.
17:13
You might be choosing the narcissistic men.
17:16
You know what I'm saying? You might attract non
17:17
narcissist, but narcissistic men might be more interesting
17:20
sometimes. Like the non narcissist might
17:22
seem boring to you because things are not moving as fast,
17:25
right? Red flag Education is crucial.
17:28
Yeah, absolutely. Don't worry about the numbers.
17:30
It's just the message. That's the thing right there.
17:32
That's so that's the good thing right there.
17:33
That's what I'm trying to do right there.
17:34
But it's it's just annoying right there, right.
17:36
I have a personality disorder that this, this seeks
17:38
validation. You know what I mean?
17:39
So I don't if I don't see the numbers, it's just makes it
17:42
doesn't seem worth it. You know what I'm saying?
17:44
Just like nobody watches my videos.
17:45
So it's just me battling my own personality disorder.
17:48
So, but thank you though, a lot of narcissistic me thank people
17:54
watch videos and I realize they don't maybe yeah, yeah, I
17:56
understand that right there as well.
17:57
Because people the the the way I've designed it is like you're
18:00
you're supposed to heal and move on, right.
18:02
But I want some stuff that puts some stuff out that makes people
18:05
want. It's just like, well, I don't
18:07
necessarily need the narcissist videos, but I like the show.
18:10
I like the waving the red flag show or I like the the
18:14
storytelling element. Right, right.
18:17
The storytelling element. Is he going, is he going to hurt
18:21
when he comes, when he just comes home and sees I'm already
18:23
gone? Possibly.
18:24
He'd be shocked. He'd be definitely be shocked.
18:26
I'd say he's shocked and angry, yes.
18:31
Can you tell us about female narcissists, how they differ?
18:33
I have a video on my YouTube channel about that.
18:35
You just have to go. You have to check, check it out
18:37
right there 'cause like I, I, I have a very I, I wrote a script
18:41
for it and everything I wrote a, a script, male or female.
18:45
I wrote a script for that women. Let's see where's the title of
18:53
it? Narcissist.
18:57
The women in the red flash. Yeah, I have AI have a video.
19:00
It's called narcissist. The women in the red flash.
19:01
You need to know where are we at?
19:05
Where are we at? I'm trying to post it.
19:10
It won't let me post a link. Oh, there you go.
19:13
I'll post a link, maybe recovery after abuse.
19:17
Yeah, I'm gonna start doing more videos like that.
19:19
I just have to do something to wake people up like the story
19:21
times and stuff like that. I feel like the show would be
19:24
will be good. I just, like I said, when I was
19:26
doing the show, I just got depressed because nobody was
19:28
watching the show. You see what I'm saying?
19:29
Nobody was like it just you. Just the way I have a
19:32
personality is like, if things are not going well fast, it just
19:35
makes me not want to do it anymore.
19:37
You know what I'm saying? Things take it.
19:38
I know, I understand it. I get it, you know, from a
19:41
logistical standpoint, but it's just like you mean they're ready
19:44
to go right there, no problem, no problem.
19:48
Why do you refuse to return your belongings?
19:50
Because if I, the longer I keep your stuff, the, the longer I'm
19:53
attached to you, the the more I have access to you, right?
19:57
Anyway, Joe, I do have to hop off.
19:58
I have a another story time video.
20:00
I'm doing story time videos right now.
20:02
I'm trying to record them in a batch so I have them done.
20:07
So I'm thinking about starting waving the Red flag show next
20:09
week. If y'all want to Share your
20:10
story with me, I'm doing story times.
20:12
And I'm sharing the stories about like from an anonymous
20:15
standpoint. So you want to e-mail me your
20:17
story over. You can use a fake name or
20:20
whatever, whatever the situation may be, but you can send it to
20:24
info.info@mentalillness.net if you want to Share your story.
20:31
Just tell your story. Like I said, I will just write
20:35
your story down. Doesn't matter how long it is
20:37
because I can condense it. Send your story in as detailed
20:39
as you want to be and send it to info@mentalillness.net.
20:43
I'll sure I'm doing story times again too.
20:44
I like, I, I, I was recording the story times before I hopped
20:47
on here and I was excited. I, I, my love for doing videos
20:51
was there. So I was just like, I love doing
20:52
this right. I love it.
20:55
Interviewing survivors. That's what the that's what the
20:57
waving the red flag show is going to be about interviewing
20:59
survivors and thrivers and we're not having this of them sharing
21:02
their story and whatnot. So be to say if y'all follow me
21:08
on Instagram, follow me. I mean follow me, follow me on
21:10
face YouTube and Facebook, because the show will be live
21:12
there anyway. Y'all had to have off this
21:14
thing. Be safe.
21:15
Except you find everything about me, mental illness.net, my one
21:19
on ones, my coaching, my courses, everything is at
21:23
mentalillness.net. Send me your stories in like I'm
21:26
sitting right here right now. I'm going to record about two or
21:28
three more stories and I got to go home, but hit the subscribe
21:31
button y'all and I'm out. Peace.