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Aladdin and Addiction: Why Your Beliefs Shape Your Life · Yes And Land

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  I took my first sip of alcohol when I was 11
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  years old. We went behind there and we opened
• 0:04
  up a bottle and took a few sips of it. And I
• 0:07
  didn't get drunk at age 11, but I fell in love
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  with the rush of it. Part of the story that we're
• 0:12
  not sharing right now is through all of this
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  success in basketball, I am partying like no
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  other. I'm drinking. I'm doing drugs. I'm smoking
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  pot. I'm snorting cocaine. I mean, I am all into
• 0:22
  the party scene. By the time my senior year came
• 0:25
  around, I was a complete mess. And Aladdin says,
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  I'm not worthless and I don't. have fleas. And
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  I think that's an interesting thing to look at
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  because I think sometimes that's the way we see
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  ourselves. Like we're just a worthless street
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  rat. We got fleas. And then sometimes you have
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  people telling you that's who you are. Yeah.
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  And typically, you know, when you're young, you
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  don't know how to process information. When someone
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  older or someone even your own age says something
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  mean about you, a lot of times you just accept
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  that as, oh, that's how people see me. So that
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  must be true. The best definition I've ever heard
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  of depression is pretending to be someone you're
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  not. I'm going to say that again. Pretending
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  to be someone you're not. I easily should be
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  dead right now. I should not be here because
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  of what I went through. And I know I'm one of
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  the lucky ones, honestly. But I'm grateful for
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  all of it. Welcome to Yes And Land, where we
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  say yes to the reality of yesterday and today.
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  And we say and to the possibility, growth, and
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  imagination of tomorrow. So welcome to another
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  episode of Yes and Land. We are very excited
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  today for an amazing guest who is inspiring people
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  worldwide, really, because he has a podcast,
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  the BelizeCast podcast, which is... in the top
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  100, right, for mental health podcasts worldwide,
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  which is just phenomenal. And Todd's story is
• 1:55
  in itself inspiring and really excited for what
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  our listeners are going to be able to gain and
• 2:01
  learn from hearing his story, learning about
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  the things that he shares with the thousands
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  and thousands of people that he coaches, that
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  you've spoken to at conferences, at meetings.
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  all all over the country and so i'm excited to
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  dive in today about our beliefs right our beliefs
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  of of who we are and what that means and we're
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  gonna take a look at uh one of my favorite disney
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  movies which is aladdin Such a good one. We might
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  even dip into Spider -Man a little bit. We're
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  going to see where that takes us, right, Todd?
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  Absolutely. But Aladdin is a classic. Me as a
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  child born in the 80s, grew up in the 90s. Like
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  Aladdin was one of those like core peak movies,
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  right? Yeah. And so really excited to have you
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  on today, Todd. Yeah, thanks for having me, Ryan.
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  It's an honor and love what you do. And, you
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  know, this is an amazing show and just kind of
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  like the platform you've laid out. It's amazing.
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  I appreciate it, Todd. So we're, yeah, we're
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  excited to kind of talk about. And then we're
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  gonna dive into some like hard stuff that you
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  went through sure which I think is really I think
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  it's really beneficial because We all live in
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  stories, right? The stories of what our lives
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  are, the stories that we tell ourselves, stories
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  that inspire us. I mean, it's part of why I love
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  Disney movies, right? Disney is one of the best
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  at telling a story and stories are compelling.
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  It's what helps us learn and grow. So let's take
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  us all the way back. Usually I do take people
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  back to like, I want to know about them growing
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  up. This is a particular importance in your story,
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  right? Because of some of the things that shaped
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  you from such a young age. Yeah. So, Todd, take
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  us all the way back to young Todd. Well, young
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  Todd was a very insecure and scared little kid.
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  I was a really skinny kid. I was self -conscious
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  about that, my whole upbringing, to be honest.
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  But, you know, I played sports. I played all
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  the sports and I loved it. You know, I had dreams
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  of playing in the NBA. Basketball was really
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  my sport that I loved the most. But, you know,
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  at such a young age, I took my first sip of alcohol
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  when I was 11 years old. My dad had a wet bar
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  in our basement and both my parents worked full
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  time. And me and my little brother, who's even
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  younger than 11, he was nine. We went behind
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  there and we opened up a bottle and took a few
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  sips of it. And, you know, I didn't get drunk
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  at age 11, but I fell in love with the rush of
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  it. My dad was a drinker. They would throw parties
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  at our house. So I kind of grew up around this.
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  It was normal. I didn't think I was really doing
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  anything wrong. But when I was taking those drinks
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  at age 11, I knew that at age 11, I probably
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  shouldn't be doing this. There was a part of
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  me going, okay, this is wrong. But again, I learned
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  at an early age, I had this all or nothing mentality,
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  which could be a really good thing if it's directed
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  in the right direction. you know direction right
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  sure but if it's with the wrong thing it can
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  be destructive and that's really what started
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  to happen is i fell in love with that kind of
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  lifestyle and that opened up the door to just
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  all kinds of havoc and um heartache and pain
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  in my life so you're And your brother, too, at
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  that time, did he did he end up having the same
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  kinds of issues or problems or kind of steer
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  clear from that? No, he I mean, he he would he
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  would socially drink and stuff during, you know,
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  high school and stuff. But, you know, he didn't
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  get into addiction. He didn't become an alcoholic
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  like I did. And so he had a little different
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  mentality around it. So it's interesting how,
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  you know, it played a different role in both
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  of our lives. I'm assuming you guys have gone
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  back and talked about that. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
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  Yeah, we talk about it all the time. Yeah. What
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  was the difference for him? Why did you guys
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  think that he didn't go down that path that you
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  went down? You know, honestly, we're not sure.
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  I think it's just more personality. Like even
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  my dad, my dad couldn't understand later on when
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  he saw I was drinking heavily. Like, why can't
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  you just have one? You know, my dad could have
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  one drink and he's fine. Yeah. You know, my mentality
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  was. well why have one i'm gonna have ten because
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  i'm doing it for the effect sure you know wasn't
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  necessarily the taste per se it was more like
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  i want the buzz i want to feel i want to feel
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  it And my dad was just like, you know, just have
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  one. He couldn't understand it. And my brother
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  was more like the personality of my dad. My mom,
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  she went through addiction. She was an opiate
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  addict and a chain smoker. And I was a lot like
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  my mom. We were very, we kind of had an anxious
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  personality. And I, again, all or nothing was
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  my mentality. It's like, if I'm going to do it,
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  I'm doing it. I'm all in. And it's been a really
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  good. gift, I guess, if you will, to have that
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  mentality. Cause I now have it pointed in the
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  right direction. That's what I was going to ask
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  you. Yeah. Cause it's cause things like that
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  can be for good and for bad. Sure. Yeah, absolutely.
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  And I just, you know, started pointing in the
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  wrong direction as a young kid, cause I didn't
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  know any better. And that just opened up the
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  door to, you know, a life at the time, you know,
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  kind of drugs and alcohol and partying. and again
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  a lot of like i said a lot of heartache and pain
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  when i think what's interesting about your story
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  too is is you start down that path and and yet
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  for a while it was like you were still finding
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  success in things because you were a basketball
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  player right yes and and not just a basketball
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  you're a good one Yeah, I mean, not early on,
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  but yeah, I was pretty athletic as a kid. I played
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  soccer, baseball, football, and basketball. And
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  early on, I decided, you know, I don't want to
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  focus just on basketball. And about sixth, seventh
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  grade is when I decided I'm going to just quit
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  all the other sports and focus on that. And I
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  still played some of the other sports, but my
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  heart wasn't in it, man. I just, when it came
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  to practice time, and this is that all or nothing,
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  I would practice two or three hours every day.
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  by myself as a young kid. I mean, who does that?
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  Very few. Magic Johnson. Yeah, Magic Johnson.
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  I just wasn't as big or as talented as Magic.
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  Anyway, so that really played a big role in my
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  success in sports because, all right, if I'm
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  going to play sports, I'm all in. And man, I
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  would practice two or three hours. My dad had
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  poured a basketball court on the side of our
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  house and I lived out there. If it snowed, I
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  was the kid. I'm out there shoveling. off the
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  snow and i would practice my hands would be freezing
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  and but i just loved it and i just that i wanted
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  to make that my life and you so you played in
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  high school played in high school and you guys
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  had a bit of success with that we did yeah i
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  i played with some amazing players we had amazing
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  coaches um you know By between my freshman and
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  sophomore year, I grew eight inches, which was
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  amazing for basketball. Right. Yeah. And you
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  learned you learned to handle the ball before
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  then. So you had good handles and then you get
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  the height to add to it. Yeah. Well, really,
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  I'll have to tell you a story about the good
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  handles and there's some thunder. Wow. That is
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  that's some good thunder. Like this make this
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  story. Here we are. Like we're in it now. Yeah.
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  Anyway, I I, you know. Practiced, like I said,
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  so much. And between freshman and sophomore year,
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  grew eight inches. But I had also improved a
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  ton in basketball. So by the time I'm playing
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  a sophomore, I'm the starting point guard for
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  the sophomore team. I lead the team in every
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  category. I'm playing a little bit of varsity.
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  We take first in state. I played a little role
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  in that. But junior year, we took second in state.
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  I led the team in every category. I was playing
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  varsity. starting point guard a team captain
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  and we took first and stayed again but the end
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  of my sophomore year the last practice of the
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  year i had my hand broke i broke grabbed a rebound
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  was going back up with it and a guy that was
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  guarding me grabbed the ball in my hand as i
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  went up he pulled down and snapped my finger
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  in half right in the middle of my hand and so
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  when i'd close my hand this finger was twisted
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  it would touch over here i'm like okay something's
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  wrong so i had to get four pins put in my hand
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  i've got the scars um still and didn't stop me
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  i thought well i had to have my hand in a sling
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  with pins in it for eight weeks i practiced eight
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  weeks of basketball left -handed And I'm telling
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  you, I practiced. If there was pickup games,
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  I would still go play the pickup game, and I
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  would just play left -handed. I would shoot left,
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  dribble left. And so between sophomore and junior
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  year, I was almost, if probably not better with
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  my left than I was with my right hand. Wow. Isn't
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  it interesting how things like that play into,
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  like, you want to develop the skills, especially
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  if you're a point guard, to be able to use both
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  hands. right in basketball it's such a skill
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  but it's really hard to get kids to do it because
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  it's uncomfortable right you're like okay you
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  want to use your non -dominant hand you want
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  to become really capable with that but like who's
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  going to sit there and do it yeah well with pins
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  in your hand you're gonna Absolutely. And, you
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  know, there's an amazing book called Live Your
• 11:04
  Life from Crescendo by Stephen and Cynthia Covey
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  that they wrote. And there's a quote in there
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  where they said, you don't know how strong you
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  are until that hidden strength is forced to come
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  forward. And I was forced to practice left handed.
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  Now, yes, I could have chose not to. But it really
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  taught me something that, man, I can do anything
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  I put my mind to. Who cares if my hand's broken?
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  I'm playing left handed. And I did really well.
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  Like I would just. People had a hard time guarding
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  me where I could just dribble left -handed. So
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  by the time junior year came around, man, I was
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  unstoppable as a point guard. At least I felt
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  that way. Sure. And that sprung into some college
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  offers, right? Yeah, not until after my senior
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  year I got offered a full -ride scholarship and
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  accepted it. And I was so excited. I've got my
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  college paid for. Part of this story that we're
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  not sharing right now is through all of this
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  success in basketball, I am partying like no
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  other. I'm drinking. I'm doing drugs. I'm smoking
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  pot. I'm snorting cocaine. I'm doing mushrooms.
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  I'm drinking cough syrup. I mean, I am all into
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  the party scene. My parents would go out of town.
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  I'd throw a kegger at my house. My house was
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  the party house. And I wore it with a badge,
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  you know, like a badge of pride, you know. By
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  the time my senior year came around, I was a
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  complete mess. And I would just mask it. On the
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  court, I was still doing pretty good, but not
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  to the level I should have been doing. So coaches,
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  friends, even my family were like, what's wrong
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  with you? They'd see me out there on the basketball
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  court, and I looked lost because I was. And I
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  was really sad, really depressed. But again,
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  just put on a face like everything was okay.
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  What do you think that was at that time? Why
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  were you feeling so lost? Well, one, I thought
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  I looked funny. I had this belief system that
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  I looked funny. I was no good, that I was stupid.
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  And I was, I mean, this, I can laugh about it
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  now, but at the time, and people can laugh when
• 13:07
  I say this, I got a five on the ACT my senior
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  year, a five. I think you get three points for
• 13:15
  signing your name. But it just confirmed, oh,
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  I'm stupid. But I didn't tell people this. And
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  so I just walked around depressed and miserable.
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  And especially when I would drink and party and
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  get high, that would just magnify that depressed
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  feeling to the point where I had thoughts of
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  ending my life. So this went on my senior year,
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  and I noticed this voice in my head. You're pathetic.
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  You're no good. You'll never make it. That kind
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  of thing. fortunate still got a college scholarship
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  when i thought man i i did it even though i had
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  a rough year and but that didn't turn things
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  around and i ended up losing that scholarship
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  because i was getting high and drunk you know
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  and so when that happened that's when the wheels
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  fell off yeah so even even though you're outwardly
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  you know with basketball with you you being the
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  captain of the team you guys taking state getting
• 14:10
  this full ride looking outwardly very successful
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  inside that's not what you believed about yourself
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  at all not even close yeah the outside appearance
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  someone might go oh he's got it all yeah you
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  know because like for me it's interesting hearing
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  a story like that if i hadn't heard the other
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  part like i loved basketball yeah i did a bit
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  the same thing which is when i was a little bit
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  younger i decided like basketball was my i wasn't
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  gonna play other sports i loved it so much yeah
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  i just wasn't good enough yeah like and it was
• 14:39
  like devastating right i made the ninth grade
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  team didn't make the 10th grade team it was just
• 14:43
  like oh, this is what I love so much. And when
• 14:46
  I hear somebody else like, oh, I captained the
• 14:48
  basketball team. Like, oh man, he had it all.
• 14:49
  He's so lucky. Wait, we all have things we struggle
• 14:53
  with. Wait, there's more that's there that like,
• 14:55
  we have to learn things about ourselves. We have
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  to come to believe things about ourselves. And
• 15:00
  so I think this is a good time for us to pull
• 15:03
  in Aladdin, right? Because with the story with
• 15:07
  Aladdin. um obviously he's an orphan he's a street
• 15:12
  rat right they call him and there's there's a
• 15:15
  scene where um he's in in the streets of agrabah
• 15:20
  and there's somebody of of some importance um
• 15:23
  down the street on a horse and he's kind of aladdin's
• 15:28
  kind of getting in trouble and the the whoever
• 15:31
  this individual is says something about him being
• 15:34
  worthless yeah And Aladdin says, I'm not worthless
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  and I don't have fleas. And I think that's an
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  interesting thing to look at because I think
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  sometimes that's the way we see ourselves. Like
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  we're just a worthless street rat. We got fleas
• 15:47
  and that's what we believe about ourselves. Yeah.
• 15:49
  And then sometimes you have people telling you
• 15:52
  that's who you are. Yeah. And typically, you
• 15:54
  know, when you're young, you don't know how to
• 15:56
  process information. When someone older or someone
• 15:59
  even your own age says something mean about you.
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  Lot of times you just accept that as well. That's
• 16:05
  how people see me. So that must be true Yeah,
• 16:07
  we may not say that out loud to anyone but internally
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  we we accept it, you know And you know the Aladdin
• 16:13
  scene, you know Aladdin, you know believed he
• 16:16
  was or didn't believe that But yet, you know
• 16:19
  the society viewed him as this street rat, right?
• 16:23
  And, but, but man, he was, you know, he was high
• 16:25
  on life. If you look at the show, man, he's,
• 16:26
  he's just, you know, going through life, energetic,
• 16:29
  loving life and not afraid to go do whatever
• 16:32
  he was doing, you know? For sure. Yeah. What
• 16:34
  it's, you know, with, with something like that,
• 16:37
  it's interesting. I think these days when we
• 16:39
  talk a lot about beliefs and, and believing in
• 16:42
  ourselves, I think sometimes it's easy for us
• 16:44
  to think like, oh yeah. everybody's gonna support
• 16:47
  you and say that you're you can do great things
• 16:49
  and we're we're we're changed in that way and
• 16:51
  we support each other and i think we don't a
• 16:53
  lot of times i think you're i think to your point
• 16:55
  is people will sometimes tell us that we're not
• 16:57
  yeah and sometimes it comes in in ways that maybe
• 17:00
  it's not intentional and sometimes it really
• 17:01
  is yeah and sometimes people are trying to tell
• 17:03
  us that we're just street rats and that we're
• 17:05
  not worthy of something better or something greater
• 17:08
  yeah um and and we get that from a lot of places
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  i've heard a term recently called Thumb thugs,
• 17:15
  right? Where like people online will make comments,
• 17:18
  right? To bring us down and say that we're not
• 17:21
  worthy and say horrible things because they can
• 17:23
  hide behind a screen. But then we start maybe
• 17:26
  believing those things about ourselves, unfortunately.
• 17:28
  So as you are experiencing this stuff, you're
• 17:33
  kind of going through these addictions. And to
• 17:36
  a large extent, it sounds like hiding a lot of
• 17:38
  what this depression and beliefs about yourself
• 17:40
  were. When does it come to a head? It was, you
• 17:45
  know, after I had lost the scholarship, I became
• 17:48
  just this angry, depressed drunk. Every time
• 17:53
  I would drink, I would punch holes in the wall,
• 17:55
  throw chairs through windows. I'd pick fights
• 17:58
  with people. I'm not a fighter. But I was just,
• 18:00
  I was hurting so bad that, you know, I often
• 18:04
  say alcohol is like a truth serum. It brings
• 18:06
  out what you're really feeling. And when you're
• 18:08
  hurting, it comes out because you don't care.
• 18:11
  You don't care what you look like. You look like
• 18:12
  an idiot. You're like this sloppy, crying individual.
• 18:16
  But it was really all this pain that I was experiencing.
• 18:19
  And, you know, my identity back then, if you
• 18:22
  would ask me, who are you, Todd? I would have
• 18:24
  said, I'm a basketball player. I know that that's
• 18:27
  wrong now. But at the time, that's what it was.
• 18:30
  And so when that went away, that's why I thought,
• 18:34
  I'd just rather be dead. And so it came to a
• 18:37
  head when I decided I was going to end my life.
• 18:40
  Basketball was no longer going to be a part of
• 18:41
  my life. So I thought, I don't want to be here
• 18:43
  if that's the case. So I decided I was going
• 18:46
  to end my life. And I planned it all out. And
• 18:49
  thankfully, I had this miracle happen that changed
• 18:53
  the course of my life. But up until that point,
• 18:56
  I was just... My friends at this point were graduating
• 18:59
  from college, married, looked like they had their
• 19:03
  lives all together. And the story I was telling
• 19:05
  myself about me is like, I'm behind and I'm never
• 19:08
  catching up. And I'm just this loser. And that
• 19:12
  was the belief. And that belief was just like,
• 19:15
  it was crushing. Because I truly believed it.
• 19:19
  But I would never say it out loud to anyone.
• 19:21
  But internally, that's what I thought of me.
• 19:24
  And so you're going through this. And having
• 19:28
  these beliefs about yourself, you're seeing the
• 19:29
  people around you, you know, being successful,
• 19:33
  having successful lives, getting married, graduating,
• 19:36
  probably getting good jobs. At some point in
• 19:40
  time, your beliefs started to change. Yeah. How
• 19:44
  did that come about? Well, geez, it was a long
• 19:48
  process. Yeah. You know, like I said, I had a
• 19:53
  miracle that took place. to a God that I didn't
• 19:56
  believe in. That was desperation. And I reached
• 20:02
  out in the darkest moment of my life. And I got
• 20:07
  a response. I got an answer. And I really believe
• 20:10
  God usually typically works through other people.
• 20:12
  And this guy took me under his wing. He's my
• 20:15
  mentor to this very day for over 40 years. And
• 20:20
  this guy was the answer to my prayer. desperation
• 20:24
  and he took me under his wing and he has mentored
• 20:29
  me ever since and I'll never forget what he said
• 20:32
  he says I'm here for you because this is gonna
• 20:34
  be the hardest thing you'll ever do and he wasn't
• 20:38
  kidding it was the hardest thing I've ever gone
• 20:40
  through at the time and If it wasn't for him,
• 20:44
  I wouldn't be sitting here talking to you today.
• 20:46
  So he took me under his wing. He believed in
• 20:48
  me and even told me that when I didn't believe
• 20:50
  in myself. And just hearing him say that to me,
• 20:53
  it was like this sliver of hope. And I thought,
• 20:57
  okay, if this guy believes in me, this is worth
• 20:59
  following him. So I just followed him. I did
• 21:02
  what he did, basically. How did that connection
• 21:07
  come about in the first place? know when we think
• 21:10
  about influence that we can have on others and
• 21:11
  things we try to do to help others that it doesn't
• 21:16
  always resonate with somebody if we tell them
• 21:18
  something like that yeah right what was it about
• 21:21
  this situation where you could hear what he was
• 21:24
  saying and that he was able to connect with you
• 21:27
  well a couple reasons one i played basketball
• 21:31
  with him at brighton okay um so and i always
• 21:35
  he was the for a state MVP he was an amazing
• 21:41
  basketball I looked up to him in so many ways
• 21:43
  and again you want to think about someone who
• 21:46
  had it all from my view this guy had it all he
• 21:48
  had the you know he was dating the head cheerleader
• 21:50
  you know seriously the the typical story I mean
• 21:54
  just a total stud athlete college scholarships
• 21:58
  offers all over the place and this was the guy
• 22:01
  I looked up to I never told him that back in
• 22:03
  high school, but internally, that's what I looked
• 22:05
  up to. But it fed the narrative that I wasn't
• 22:08
  good enough. It did. So he reached out to me
• 22:14
  on a prompting after I had reached out to God
• 22:17
  in prayer and said, hey, I need to talk to you,
• 22:21
  Todd. And I hadn't talked to him since high school.
• 22:24
  So here he is calling me out of the blue, asking
• 22:28
  me to come over. And he basically told me, You
• 22:32
  know, I'm going to help a lot of good, you know,
• 22:33
  a lot of people in your life. You're going to
• 22:35
  make a difference. You're going to help a lot
• 22:37
  of kids. He kept saying this. And I'm in the
• 22:39
  height of my addiction. He has no idea. And I'm
• 22:41
  like, dude, I told him to stop. Because when
• 22:43
  someone pays you a compliment and makes you uncomfortable,
• 22:45
  it's because you don't believe it. I didn't believe
• 22:46
  any of it. And I said, hey, I don't know why
• 22:49
  you're saying all these nice things. I'm a mess
• 22:51
  right now. And he just basically said, the Lord
• 22:53
  came to me last night, Todd, and says, we need
• 22:55
  you on our side today. And it was just like,
• 22:58
  I knew it in that moment, Ryan, that that was
• 23:00
  the answer to my, to my fast and prayer that
• 23:03
  I had reached out in desperation when I didn't
• 23:06
  even believe in God. I wasn't raised religious
• 23:08
  or to believe in God at all. And I was like,
• 23:12
  man, here's my answer. And that's why. And when
• 23:16
  you're desperate, you'll, I was just ready to
• 23:19
  listen to anyone. And thankfully it was him.
• 23:22
  and he was ready for the call on his end if that
• 23:24
  makes sense he was like i'm here to guide you
• 23:28
  and help you and he did he from that day forward
• 23:30
  to this day you know he's the guy i can call
• 23:33
  when i'm struggling he's there for me yeah when
• 23:37
  we when we take a look back at aladdin you know
• 23:42
  and we take a look at the the character of the
• 23:45
  genie In what ways do you see the Genie as being
• 23:49
  a little bit of that guide to Aladdin as he's
• 23:52
  struggling to figure out who he really is? Because
• 23:56
  once he's wanting to be with Jasmine, he meets
• 24:00
  her, he's like, this is the girl for me. He thinks
• 24:02
  he's got to be somebody that he's not. He thinks
• 24:04
  he's got to be Prince Ali. Fabulous he, right?
• 24:08
  What about the Genie as a guide? Do you learn
• 24:12
  from that movie? And also from this close friend
• 24:16
  of yours, who was a guide to you? Yeah, I love
• 24:18
  that question. Because I think I've learned now
• 24:21
  when we speak it, we create it. We're almost
• 24:23
  like that becomes the genie, if you will. And
• 24:25
  this genie was basically guiding Aladdin in so
• 24:28
  many beautiful ways. Like, hey, what do you need?
• 24:31
  What do you want? I'll give you whatever you
• 24:32
  need. And it's almost like that belief system
• 24:36
  we have. Whatever I say to myself becomes my
• 24:38
  reality. So if I say I'm a loser and I'm no good
• 24:42
  and I look funny and no girl is ever going to
• 24:44
  want to be with me, I'm stupid. It's as if the
• 24:48
  genie says, okay, your wish is my command. You
• 24:51
  get that. And so. And I don't think the genie
• 24:55
  wants that for us, per se, you know, especially
• 24:58
  in Aladdin, you know, it's like, hey, whatever
• 24:59
  you want, I'm going to give it to you. You can
• 25:00
  be whoever you want to be and get whatever you
• 25:03
  want. And I just think we got to be really careful
• 25:05
  what we tell ourselves, because that becomes
• 25:07
  our reality. You know, there's an old Latin proverb
• 25:10
  that says, believe that you have it and you have
• 25:12
  it. It's so simple, but yet so. profound and
• 25:16
  big if whatever you say, and it's as if you're
• 25:19
  telling the genie, here's what I want. And I
• 25:22
  love the genie in that because one, it's the
• 25:23
  voice of Robin Williams, who I'm a huge fan of.
• 25:26
  And but it was almost like helping him guide
• 25:31
  him in a way just like eventually he had to find
• 25:33
  that, you know, you're good without all of this
• 25:35
  stuff. Who you are to your core is enough. Yeah.
• 25:39
  Right. And that's what. But I didn't know that
• 25:41
  about me. Yeah. One of the best scenes, I think,
• 25:43
  in the movie is where he's now Prince Ali. He's
• 25:48
  going on the balcony to meet Jasmine. The genie's
• 25:51
  trying to help him. He's trying to ask the genie
• 25:53
  what to say. And it's a gag at the time because
• 25:56
  the genie becomes a bee. And he's buzzing around.
• 25:59
  He's telling him something. And it's kind of
• 26:00
  last line that he says is like, you know, whatever.
• 26:03
  Be yourself. Be yourself. That's exactly right.
• 26:07
  And it was a hilarious line, and I loved it as
• 26:09
  a kid. But when I go back and think about it,
• 26:12
  it's like, you don't got to be Prince Ali. That's
• 26:16
  not who you are. And you're not a street rat
• 26:18
  either. You're somebody who has a lot of love
• 26:22
  and kindness, who does the right thing. Even
• 26:25
  when you didn't know Jasmine was the princess,
• 26:27
  you're out there protecting her in the street.
• 26:29
  Yeah. These people who are trying to cut her
• 26:31
  hand off or do whatever they are, right? Like
• 26:32
  at your core, you are, as it foreshadowed at
• 26:35
  the beginning of the movie, you're the diamond
• 26:36
  in the rough, you know? And that be yourself,
• 26:40
  the genie really guiding him. Like I can grant
• 26:43
  all these wishes to you. I can give you these
• 26:45
  things that you say you want. At the end of the
• 26:47
  day, Aladdin, be yourself. Yeah. The best definition
• 26:51
  I've ever heard of depression is pretending to
• 26:54
  be someone you're not. I'm going to say that
• 26:59
  again, pretending to be someone you're not. That's
• 27:03
  why that line is so profound because I think
• 27:06
  our worth is set. The moment we were born, maybe
• 27:09
  even before our worth was set, but yet obviously
• 27:13
  we go through life and we go through challenges
• 27:15
  and things happen, right? So we start doubting
• 27:18
  our own value as a human being. So we think I
• 27:21
  got to go be this and then I'll be okay. Cause
• 27:23
  I thought if I'm a good basketball player, There
• 27:27
  it is. I'll have everything I want. When that
• 27:30
  got taken away because of my own choices, it's
• 27:33
  like, okay, who am I really? And at the time,
• 27:35
  I just thought I'm a nothing. But I didn't know
• 27:38
  any better. See, what I realize now is who I
• 27:41
  was made me a good basketball player. Basketball
• 27:45
  is just what I did. I didn't know that then.
• 27:48
  You know, so that line in Aladdin is so profound
• 27:52
  and so beautiful. Just be yourself because yourself
• 27:54
  is enough. You're unshakably good. I have this
• 27:58
  saying over my wall in my office that I have
• 28:01
  my clients read. And it says, the most delightful
• 28:03
  surprise in life is to suddenly recognize there's
• 28:06
  nothing wrong with you. Have them read that on
• 28:09
  day one, 10 out of 10 of my clients start crying.
• 28:12
  And I'll say, has anyone ever told you that?
• 28:15
  And they're like, never. and i and i hop and
• 28:17
  that's what i go into you've been pretending
• 28:19
  to be someone you're not because when i was drinking
• 28:22
  and doing drugs i was pretending to be someone
• 28:25
  i was not it always left me empty i was always
• 28:27
  depressed because i was out of alignment of who
• 28:30
  i really was and it wasn't basketball yeah and
• 28:34
  that's it's a it's such a beautiful tie in there
• 28:37
  and you know at at the end with with aladdin
• 28:41
  i mean what we see is um jasmine didn't love
• 28:46
  him because he was Prince Ali she didn't love
• 28:48
  him because he had the outward stuff that he
• 28:50
  was trying to be somebody wasn't she loved him
• 28:51
  because of who he was exactly and he didn't need
• 28:54
  to be somebody different and people in our lives
• 28:56
  um can love us for who we truly are and sometimes
• 29:01
  we want to we want to mask it we want to hide
• 29:04
  it because we don't think that people will right
• 29:06
  now I don't I don't think it means that everybody's
• 29:08
  going to love us If they know who we truly are
• 29:11
  and maybe know some of our mistakes and stuff,
• 29:13
  but the people who truly love us will. They'll
• 29:17
  accept us for who we are. Did you see that manifest
• 29:20
  for you of once it kind of came to a head with
• 29:24
  the addictions you had and people understanding
• 29:26
  and realizing the shortcomings that you had,
• 29:30
  did you have people who loved you more and then
• 29:32
  have other people who then judged you and left
• 29:36
  your life? Great question. And that was one of
• 29:39
  the toughest things I ever went through. Because,
• 29:42
  you know, I have a group of friends who I loved
• 29:44
  to this very day. And matter of fact, you know,
• 29:47
  I'm going to be with them tonight even. But there's
• 29:49
  like 15 to 20 of us. And I'm not kidding you.
• 29:52
  We've been friends our entire lives. It's a very
• 29:54
  rare thing. But they were part of the party scene,
• 29:59
  part of the drug scene. And when I was turning
• 30:02
  my life around, I had to walk away from that
• 30:04
  group. Not that I didn't like them anymore or
• 30:06
  love them anymore. It was I knew that I can't
• 30:09
  be around that atmosphere because I'm going to
• 30:12
  crash and burn again. And so I had to walk away
• 30:14
  from that. At the same time, you know. turning
• 30:18
  my life over into a good direction and trying
• 30:21
  to follow this God that was saving my life. I
• 30:25
  even had family members that were shunning me
• 30:27
  for that. So I felt so alone for a long time.
• 30:33
  And that was a tough, tough time in my life.
• 30:39
  i look back now it's best thing i ever went through
• 30:41
  right but it was one of them that that was harder
• 30:44
  than overcoming alcoholism and drug addiction
• 30:47
  was being alone and walking away from my friends
• 30:51
  and some family members at the time i think i
• 30:56
  think so there's some real depth here that i
• 30:57
  i want people to understand which is um you know
• 31:03
  you choosing to make the change it wasn't like
• 31:05
  it changed overnight You know, it wasn't like
• 31:08
  suddenly, okay, I realize I've got these addiction
• 31:11
  problems. I'm going to turn to God. And now life
• 31:14
  is amazing. Yeah. You had to go through this
• 31:18
  process. You had to go through this process of
• 31:20
  I've got to let go of this friend group for now.
• 31:23
  I'm going to have people who are going to judge
• 31:26
  me and leave my life. right now and that's hard
• 31:29
  and and it's it's not easy and so it's not it's
• 31:33
  not just a change overnight suddenly everything
• 31:35
  is butterflies and roses it's a process yeah
• 31:37
  it's a process of of becoming or realizing who
• 31:42
  we really are yeah and you're tested to the core
• 31:45
  are you really serious about change Like, are
• 31:50
  you really going to stop drinking? Are you going
• 31:52
  to stop doing drugs? Are you really going to
• 31:53
  stop that behavior? And it's almost, I don't
• 31:57
  know what it is, but man, it's like every time
• 31:59
  I've noticed in my life, when I decide I'm going
• 32:01
  to do the right thing, I am tested on a level
• 32:04
  that is unbelievable. It's as if it's meant to
• 32:07
  be that way. And I just think, but that's where
• 32:10
  we become resilient. That's when we become resourceful.
• 32:14
  That's when we become strong. That's when you
• 32:16
  realize you can do hard things. See, all those
• 32:20
  things I'm listening now, that's who I am. I'm
• 32:22
  resilient. I can do hard things. I'm strong.
• 32:25
  I'm brave. I'm tenacious. And I didn't learn
• 32:28
  that had I not gone through that. I heard this
• 32:31
  quote. I don't know who said it, but you can't
• 32:33
  have a strong character in an easy life. And
• 32:36
  man, this has shaped my character. And I would
• 32:39
  not have that had I not gone through that. So
• 32:42
  yes. It was horrible, but I'm grateful for the
• 32:45
  process. I'm grateful for all of it. I'm grateful
• 32:47
  for the drink at 11. I'm grateful for that whole,
• 32:50
  the whole thing. And I'm one of the lucky ones.
• 32:52
  I, I easily should be dead right now. I should
• 32:55
  not be here because of what I went through. And
• 32:57
  I know I'm one of the lucky ones, honestly, but
• 33:01
  I'm grateful for all of it. And, and, and I think,
• 33:03
  I mean, my belief is that in, in, in part, the
• 33:08
  reason you are is so that you can inspire others.
• 33:10
  Right. We all have a greater purpose, right?
• 33:20
  And I think that's one of the things that I've
• 33:23
  seen from learning about you and about your story,
• 33:25
  which is you don't take that for granted. I don't.
• 33:29
  And that you use that to help other people. Yeah.
• 33:33
  You know, one of my favorite authors and public
• 33:36
  speakers out there is Simon Sinek, who you know
• 33:39
  well. So well, in fact, that your story's in
• 33:44
  his book. And he talks in that book, I believe
• 33:48
  it's in the book, Finding Your Why, which is
• 33:51
  for those of our listeners who don't know Simon
• 33:54
  Sinek, like I always say, like, go back and watch
• 33:57
  his TED Talk about Find Your Why. Because I quote
• 34:00
  him all the time on this podcast. I teach my
• 34:02
  team all the time about him. We're really big
• 34:04
  believers in a why. But the reason that he used
• 34:07
  your story is because of kind of. what you went
• 34:11
  through in your why discovery through that process
• 34:13
  of the really hard thing you went through. Yeah.
• 34:15
  What was that? What was the why that you discovered
• 34:18
  through going through what you went through?
• 34:21
  Yeah, that, you know, thank you. And I, yeah,
• 34:23
  I'm a huge fan of Simon. He's an amazing human
• 34:25
  being and obviously doing amazing things out
• 34:28
  there. And he's one of the greatest motivational,
• 34:31
  inspirational leaders out there. I, you know,
• 34:35
  I learned through the process of giving some
• 34:38
  money away at a lemonade stand of all places
• 34:41
  that I was earning at the time as a bartender.
• 34:45
  But giving my money away to this little girl
• 34:48
  at a lemonade stand is what really, truly made
• 34:51
  me realize what my purpose is. Because the reaction,
• 34:55
  I gave her all my money at the time. I had like
• 34:57
  $40 worth of change in my car. Gave all this
• 35:01
  money to her. And that all or nothing mentality
• 35:04
  kicks in. And I thought, it was on a Saturday
• 35:07
  when I had done this. And I'm still struggling.
• 35:09
  I'm still relapsing. I'm drinking, doing drugs,
• 35:12
  struggling. And this was even after when my mentor
• 35:17
  reached out to me and was the answer to the prayer.
• 35:19
  I'm still struggling. And I gave all my money
• 35:23
  to this little girl. And her reaction to when
• 35:26
  I was giving her all this money, I mean, she
• 35:28
  got emotional. She was jumping up and down. and
• 35:31
  i was like whoa i want to do this like this is
• 35:36
  amazing like i'm actually having an impact on
• 35:38
  this girl like this like i didn't realize i could
• 35:42
  make someone's day and as i pulled away from
• 35:45
  that lemonade stand. I had to pull my car over.
• 35:49
  I put my face in my hand and I just sobbed for
• 35:51
  like 20 minutes. It was like this soul cleansing
• 35:54
  cry. I mean, I literally was, it was like all
• 35:56
  this pain was leaving my soul. And in that moment,
• 36:00
  I believed that I mattered. In that moment, I
• 36:02
  wanted to be cleaned. In that moment, I wanted
• 36:05
  to make a difference. You know, there's a beautiful
• 36:08
  quote by Ferdinand Foch. He says, the most powerful
• 36:11
  weapon on earth is a human soul on fire. This
• 36:14
  lit my soul on fire. And that all or nothing
• 36:16
  mentality kicks in. So next Saturday, I drove
• 36:19
  by that same spot on purpose, just in case she
• 36:21
  might be out there. Sure enough, she was. I pull
• 36:24
  up. She recognizes me. She freaks out. I give
• 36:27
  her all my money again that I earned as a bartender
• 36:29
  that week. And I do this every Saturday for the
• 36:33
  next two and a half months. And every time I
• 36:35
  pull away, I start crying. And that's when I
• 36:38
  realized this is what I want to do. I want to
• 36:40
  make a difference in people's lives. So how can
• 36:43
  I take what I went through and do that? And that's
• 36:46
  when I had this inspiration of creating a drug
• 36:49
  education program. uh for elementary school kids
• 36:53
  ages uh or fourth fifth and sixth graders and
• 36:56
  it was called sly dog which was my nickname in
• 36:59
  high school and the ma his motto was drug free
• 37:02
  that's me and it was this animated cartoon character
• 37:04
  it was a dog's head with a human body and it
• 37:08
  was really like an alter ego of me and i went
• 37:11
  around to all the schools with this mascot this
• 37:13
  cartoon character and i spoke to over 350 000
• 37:17
  kids over the next five years and parents would
• 37:21
  come up to me and say, man, my son or daughter
• 37:23
  loves your program. Would you meet with them
• 37:25
  one -on -one? I'm like, yeah, sure. Didn't know.
• 37:28
  I wasn't planning on that. And that's what turned
• 37:31
  into what I do today. That's been my career.
• 37:34
  I've been doing that now for 37 years. And if
• 37:38
  it wasn't for that experience, I mean, it really
• 37:41
  is. That's where I found my why. And it's like,
• 37:45
  you know. I couldn't tell you how excited I was.
• 37:48
  I'm sorry I'm throwing all these quotes, but
• 37:50
  there was a Mark Twain quote that says, the two
• 37:53
  most important days of a person's life are the
• 37:55
  day that they were born and the day they found
• 37:57
  out why. I found my why at that lemonade stand.
• 38:02
  You know, you give to get. I gave away all my
• 38:04
  money, but what I got in return was my life.
• 38:09
  When you have experiences like that, for you,
• 38:14
  When do you know is the right time to do something
• 38:16
  like that? For you, what guidance have you followed
• 38:20
  or when is it? Because you could just give away
• 38:22
  all your money all the time. Sure. Right? And
• 38:25
  we'd just be poor as all get out, right? Yeah,
• 38:27
  right. We'd be not doing very well, not be able
• 38:31
  to have as much impact. Where do you find the
• 38:33
  difference of like, this is the right time to
• 38:35
  go do this thing for this person, to give my
• 38:38
  money to this girl, this lemonade stand, or to
• 38:40
  spend my time? talking at schools or meeting
• 38:44
  in these one -to -one meetings? Right. Great
• 38:47
  question. call it the spirit, call it a voice,
• 38:50
  call it a prompting. You know, the, uh, the Greeks
• 38:54
  used to call it a Kairos moment where it was
• 38:57
  the tap on the shoulder that says, Hey, turn
• 38:58
  around. This is going to make your, this is going
• 39:00
  to change your life. And that's really what happened.
• 39:02
  I drove past the lemonade stand initially, and
• 39:05
  I noticed I was like, I know big deal. And that's
• 39:07
  when I had the tap on the shoulder, the voice,
• 39:09
  the, the, the prompting that said, turn around
• 39:11
  and give the, all the money away that you have
• 39:13
  in your car to this girl. I thought, wow. I'm
• 39:16
  going to do that. So I've learned to listen to
• 39:18
  that prompting. It's not always there. And sometimes
• 39:21
  I don't listen to it. And sometimes I make mistakes
• 39:24
  there too. But, you know, I just believe that
• 39:27
  if you want to be, give it away. If you want
• 39:31
  to be inspiring, go inspire someone, go give
• 39:33
  that away. It doesn't always have to be money.
• 39:34
  Give away inspiration, give away love, give away.
• 39:38
  compassion, give away understanding and forgiveness,
• 39:40
  and you get it tenfold in return. I think it's
• 39:42
  the most powerful principle on planet Earth.
• 39:44
  If you want to be, give it away. And I learned
• 39:48
  that from a guy named Neil Donald Walsh. You
• 39:51
  know what I think is interesting is I think if
• 39:54
  any of us sit here and hear this and think about
• 39:56
  it, right, there's times where we have that top
• 40:00
  on the shoulder as we're driving by and we don't
• 40:03
  turn around. Yeah. And we just keep going. I
• 40:04
  mean, I can think of it with lemonade stands,
• 40:08
  right? I literally can think of it with lemonade
• 40:09
  stands. Like when I go to pick up my boys, I
• 40:12
  know there's this little path that I always follow
• 40:13
  to go pick them up. And there's sometimes this
• 40:16
  little lemonade stand there. So I can think of
• 40:18
  times where you feel that tap on the shoulder
• 40:20
  and you don't. And I think we get that tap sometimes
• 40:23
  too for, say, we think about some of your lives
• 40:26
  to send a text to and we don't send the text.
• 40:29
  know and i would say you know for me we we always
• 40:32
  wait till the end to do actual takeaways but
• 40:33
  i'm gonna throw one out there right now which
• 40:34
  is if anybody's listening to this like and you
• 40:36
  just had that tap on the shoulder moment to text
• 40:39
  somebody in your life to text somebody that you
• 40:40
  know something you've been thinking about so
• 40:42
  much you haven't connected with a long time just
• 40:45
  send it right now just like pause pause the episode
• 40:47
  just send out that text and you don't have to
• 40:50
  say the perfect thing either no you know i your
• 40:54
  friend who uh ended up being your lifelong mentor
• 40:56
  like I don't know that he knew the perfect thing
• 40:59
  to say, but he just said what he felt. He said
• 41:02
  what he felt. And to this day, we talk about
• 41:05
  it all the time. I mean, he was nervous to even
• 41:07
  call me and to be in the state. He was scared
• 41:10
  to death. But he went with the prompting and
• 41:13
  went with it, not knowing what was going to happen.
• 41:16
  Like, he's blown away where I'm at today. He
• 41:18
  can't believe it. Like, to this day, he's like,
• 41:20
  he goes, can you believe what has transpired?
• 41:24
  Had he not done that? I mean, maybe someone else
• 41:27
  would have reached out. I don't know, but I'll
• 41:29
  tell you, I think I would not be here. I think
• 41:31
  I would be dead. I'm not kidding you. And I don't
• 41:34
  say that to be dramatic. I just really, where
• 41:37
  I was mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically,
• 41:41
  I was a mess and I did not want to be around.
• 41:45
  So had he not done that and listened to that
• 41:47
  prompting. So you never know. You're right. Pause
• 41:49
  this for a minute. Send that text to someone
• 41:52
  you haven't talked to in a minute. It might be
• 41:53
  a parent or a friend or a sibling or one of your
• 41:56
  kids. Hey, just thinking of you today. Love you.
• 41:59
  It can be as simple as that, you know. But I'm
• 42:02
  really big on trying to listen to that prompting.
• 42:05
  Definitely not perfect at it, but I really do
• 42:07
  try to do it. And as we do it more, we get better
• 42:10
  at it. Yeah. And you notice it more too. Like
• 42:13
  you really do notice it more. I think when we
• 42:15
  have an attitude and an intent of someone needs
• 42:19
  me today, who am I going to help today? Who is
• 42:21
  it? And it can be as simple as I hold the door
• 42:23
  and pay him a compliment as I walk through the
• 42:25
  door. Doesn't that be big? A little, you know,
• 42:28
  compliment can, you know, save a life. It really
• 42:31
  can. When we talked before in preparation for
• 42:36
  this, I think you told me one of the people that
• 42:37
  you really like is James Allen. yes and i wrote
• 42:42
  down a quote from him uh which is maybe one of
• 42:45
  the core things that he says uh a man is literally
• 42:48
  what he thinks his character being the complete
• 42:51
  sum of all his thoughts yes And as you're saying
• 42:54
  that, I think to me, it's like, as you do it
• 42:57
  more, part of what it does is you think about
• 42:59
  it more. Yeah. And when you want to focus on
• 43:02
  the good and focus on those things, it becomes
• 43:04
  more a part of you and more of your character.
• 43:06
  And then it becomes easier and easier to do those
• 43:10
  things and find those things. It's like a muscle.
• 43:12
  The more you use it, the stronger it gets. Yeah.
• 43:14
  Yeah. How does that quote as well play into the
• 43:18
  idea of the beliefs that we have about ourselves?
• 43:20
  Boy, James Allen is another one of those giants
• 43:23
  in my life that saved my life. You know, my dad,
• 43:26
  when I was in the height of my addiction, didn't
• 43:29
  know what to do with me. There wasn't a rehab
• 43:31
  on every street corner like there is today. There
• 43:33
  was no talk of rehabs back then. So he handed
• 43:36
  me that little teeny book, As a Man Thinketh,
• 43:39
  and asked me to read it. And I did what every
• 43:42
  good kid would do. I threw it on the bookshelf.
• 43:44
  I forgot about it for two years. And one day
• 43:47
  I decided to open it up and read it when I was
• 43:51
  trying to get my life back together. And it was
• 43:53
  right around the lemonade time. The lemonade
• 43:55
  stand story is when I started opening up this
• 43:58
  book. And there was a paragraph in this book
• 44:01
  that changed my life. And if it's okay to share,
• 44:03
  because it goes along with the quote, because
• 44:04
  it's from the same book. But it says, of all
• 44:07
  the beautiful truths, that pertain to the soul,
• 44:10
  that's been restored and brought to light in
• 44:12
  this age, none is more gladdening of fruitful
• 44:15
  and divine promise and confidence than this,
• 44:17
  that you and I are the master of our thoughts,
• 44:20
  the molder of our character, and the maker and
• 44:22
  shaper of our condition, environment, and destiny.
• 44:25
  And when I read that, I went, oh, I'm in charge
• 44:29
  of my thinking? Not this random thoughts that's
• 44:33
  coming in telling me I'm stupid, no good, can't
• 44:36
  do it. No, I can control that if I'm willing
• 44:39
  to put in the effort. That's what that paragraph
• 44:42
  taught me. And it's been a long road since, you
• 44:45
  know, like trying to dial that in. And I'm pretty
• 44:48
  good at it now. Been doing it a long time. But
• 44:51
  that paragraph stood out. It was as if I needed,
• 44:55
  it was an answer to this internal narrative problem
• 44:58
  that I was struggling with. Like, you are in
• 45:01
  charge, Todd, and there's nothing more glad and
• 45:04
  fruitful of that. I was like, whoa. And so, you
• 45:09
  know, our mind can be our best friend or our
• 45:11
  mind can be our greatest enemy. But I realize
• 45:14
  I'm in charge of that. At the time, I didn't
• 45:17
  realize that until I had read that. Before we
• 45:20
  jump back in, can I ask you a quick favor? If
• 45:24
  you're enjoying the journey so far, will you
• 45:26
  like, rate, and subscribe to our show? It helps
• 45:29
  us reach more people like you. We can design
• 45:33
  and create and build the most wonderful place
• 45:35
  in the world, but it takes people to make the
• 45:38
  dream a reality. And, you know, one of the things
• 45:42
  that I think we sometimes struggle with is the
• 45:46
  opposite, which is the victim mentality, that
• 45:48
  things are happening to me. Yes. You've obviously
• 45:51
  coached a lot of people. You've spoken to a lot
• 45:54
  of audiences. So I... So I do divorce, right?
• 45:59
  That's what the core of my job is. That's what
• 46:02
  my firm does. We do divorce. I imagine that you've
• 46:05
  coached people going through divorce, thinking
• 46:08
  about divorce, having gone through divorce. What
• 46:11
  are some of the things that you see people struggle
• 46:14
  with when it comes to this belief, right? And
• 46:17
  not being a victim in these difficult situations
• 46:22
  because divorce is... So hard it's brutal. It's
• 46:25
  it's really really tough for so so many people
• 46:28
  It's something people struggle with and a lot
• 46:30
  of people struggle with the belief about who
• 46:31
  they are that they're not good enough Yeah, right
• 46:33
  And then they start to mask and have other problems
• 46:36
  So what what is it that you've seen as people
• 46:39
  you've coached going through those situations?
• 46:41
  And what do you tell them? Yeah, great question
• 46:43
  You know and and you know the people responding
• 46:46
  to me who are going through a divorce They they
• 46:48
  liken it to going through someone passing away
• 46:51
  a death and you know it's brutal and even if
• 46:55
  the divorce is the right thing for the couple
• 46:57
  it's still brutal because you're emotionally
• 46:59
  attached to this person and so anyone listening
• 47:02
  right now i'm not i'm please don't take that
• 47:05
  i'm you know minimizing your pain through this
• 47:07
  but what i've noticed and whether it's divorce
• 47:10
  or any other big problem is those are the moments
• 47:13
  that we truly do forget who we really are And
• 47:16
  truly, a lot of people can't even answer that
• 47:18
  question, Ryan. If you were to walk up to 10
• 47:20
  random people, who are you? They can't answer
• 47:23
  the question. And to me, that is the single greatest
• 47:26
  question we have to answer with conviction. Because
• 47:29
  again, when I lost basketball, I didn't know
• 47:31
  who I was. I thought I was basketball. So when
• 47:34
  that was gone, I'm nothing now. And it happens
• 47:37
  a lot in divorce where they think I am this relationship.
• 47:42
  So when that gets broken up, They're lost, kind
• 47:46
  of like what I felt. And I understand why they
• 47:49
  feel that way. But it's in those moments, if
• 47:51
  we know who we truly are, it will soften the
• 47:55
  blow a little bit, but it also keep you on the
• 47:58
  right track. It's when we veer off and we start
• 48:00
  pretending to be someone we're not. Because in
• 48:03
  those moments, I would tell anyone that you're
• 48:06
  resilient, that you're powerful. that you're
• 48:09
  brave, that you truly can do hard things. I know
• 48:14
  it hurts as you're going through it. But if we
• 48:16
  can remind ourselves in those difficult moments,
• 48:19
  that will keep our footing sure, right? Instead
• 48:23
  of pretending, you know, a lot of... people will
• 48:26
  go start drinking or they'll blow up their lives
• 48:28
  over a divorce, which again, they're hurting
• 48:31
  so bad. They don't know how else to handle the
• 48:32
  pain. Right. But that's why we got to know who
• 48:36
  we are and be able to answer it with conviction.
• 48:39
  And it's all those things and more, and we can
• 48:41
  go more into detail on that. But I think I would
• 48:44
  tell that to anyone going through anything, who
• 48:46
  are you really? And if you struggle with that,
• 48:49
  I would say, think about a baby that's learning
• 48:52
  to walk. And we're watching this baby. Stand
• 48:55
  up, fall down, stand up, fall down, right? They're
• 48:57
  trying to learn to walk, right? And you've never
• 49:00
  heard of a baby fall down once and go, you know
• 49:02
  what? This walking isn't for me. I'm going to
• 49:04
  roll around the rest of my life, right? You never
• 49:06
  hear that, right? So as we watch this baby fall
• 49:10
  down and get back over and over and over again,
• 49:12
  I'll ask my clients, what are the characteristics
• 49:15
  of this baby learning to walk? And they'll say.
• 49:19
  Well, they're disciplined. They're believing.
• 49:21
  They're courageous. They're resilient. They're
• 49:25
  determined. They have grit, right? The list goes
• 49:28
  on, right? They forgive themselves instantly.
• 49:31
  And then I'll say, yeah, I totally agree. Where
• 49:34
  did they get those characteristics? You know,
• 49:36
  and they have to get to the conclusion of they
• 49:39
  were just born with them. And then I'll look
• 49:41
  at that client and say, what does that mean about
• 49:43
  you? They're like, well, I have them too. And
• 49:46
  I go, yeah, you just forgot. You didn't lose
• 49:49
  them. You just forgot you had them. My job is
• 49:52
  to help remind you that there it is. That's who
• 49:55
  you are. So no matter if you're going through
• 49:57
  a divorce or addiction or what have you, whatever
• 49:59
  challenge, if we can stay true to who we are,
• 50:03
  and that's not easy. I know that. But I'll tell
• 50:05
  you, that's what will get you through it. That's
• 50:07
  what will get you through it. It's when we forget.
• 50:11
  And we go blow up our lives and start pretending
• 50:14
  to be someone or not. And I get it because you're
• 50:17
  hurting. I don't want you to hurt. And anyone
• 50:18
  listening to this, if you're going through a
• 50:20
  divorce, I'm sorry. And I feel for you. But I'll
• 50:24
  tell you, you are strong. You're resilient. You're
• 50:26
  powerful. And sometimes you have to go through
• 50:29
  something like this for you to realize how powerful
• 50:31
  you really are. So hold on and stick that out
• 50:35
  and remind yourself who the hell you are. You
• 50:38
  know, one of the things I think. That I see people
• 50:41
  forgetting is I think a lot of people in general
• 50:46
  want to believe or want to be a kind person Yeah,
• 50:49
  and I'm a big believer in kindness. It's like
• 50:52
  it's one of our core values that we have here
• 50:54
  I can tell that when I met you brother, by the
• 50:57
  way, I appreciate that from you and I think it's
• 51:00
  really It's really easy to lose that when you
• 51:05
  go through something really hard especially divorce
• 51:06
  yeah because it's it's hard it's not easy and
• 51:12
  if you want to be a kind person when you're going
• 51:15
  through something like that with somebody who
• 51:17
  you know it might be betrayal that you had it
• 51:20
  might be you know devastation of something that
• 51:23
  happened that causes divorce it's really hard
• 51:26
  to remember that you are a kind person for sure
• 51:28
  it's hard to remember that's the core of who
• 51:30
  you want to be yeah um i uh I love the live action
• 51:35
  Cinderella. And one of the things that her mom
• 51:38
  teaches her, which is a quote we use all the
• 51:40
  time here, which is to have courage and be kind.
• 51:43
  And I think many times it takes a great degree
• 51:45
  of courage to be kind in those situations. And
• 51:50
  I think some people don't realize how much impact
• 51:54
  the kindness or the lack of the kindness will
• 51:57
  have on their kids that are going through this
• 52:01
  divorce as well. Because the kids will see it.
• 52:04
  They'll be exposed to it. And if a parent can
• 52:07
  remember who they are and remember the kindness
• 52:09
  they want to have and try their very best to
• 52:12
  co -parent more effectively, it benefits their
• 52:14
  kids. And they don't. And when they forget that,
• 52:17
  and then they revert to... nastiness and harshness
• 52:21
  and things like that, it just really detrimentally
• 52:25
  affects those kids. It really does. But it's
• 52:28
  such a hard thing. It is. And in pointing that
• 52:31
  kindness to yourself as you're going through
• 52:32
  it, be kind to you. That is such a good point.
• 52:34
  And I'm probably the toughest one because yes,
• 52:37
  we should be kind when we're struggling. But
• 52:39
  again, what that is, is when we're lashing out,
• 52:42
  that is our hurt coming out and we're projecting
• 52:44
  it onto those around us. And again, I understand
• 52:47
  that. But that's why we do need other. That's
• 52:50
  why we need each other. That's why you're doing
• 52:52
  this podcast. That's why we need to lean on people
• 52:55
  in times of need. We need each other. Like community
• 53:00
  is powerful. And if you're going through a divorce,
• 53:03
  one way to help you be kind is talk to someone.
• 53:06
  Tell them why you're hurting. Go to the deep
• 53:09
  recesses of your soul and express, I'm hurting
• 53:12
  and here's why. Have a good cry with this person.
• 53:16
  Cry it out. I'm a crier, man. We're both been
• 53:18
  crying this whole time. I'm a crier because I
• 53:21
  think we have to allow these emotions to come
• 53:24
  through it. We were designed to feel emotion
• 53:26
  and we're built to regulate them. We are built
• 53:30
  to do it. And part of that is let's connect.
• 53:33
  Let's talk. So part of the, the, if you want
• 53:36
  to be kind to yourself and others around you,
• 53:38
  as you're going through something really hard,
• 53:39
  talk to someone, reach out, see a therapist,
• 53:43
  go talk to a mentor, see a friend, listen to
• 53:46
  this podcast over and over and over again, you
• 53:48
  know, share it with your family, you know, that
• 53:50
  kind of stuff. So what would you, what would
• 53:53
  you tell to somebody who has a loved one going
• 53:57
  through that hard thing? You know, because I
• 54:00
  think that sometimes what a lot of us will struggle
• 54:02
  with is we want to be there for somebody. Yeah.
• 54:04
  We want to support them when they're going through
• 54:06
  something. We want to be a listening ear. How
• 54:09
  would you coach them to be a guide or mentor
• 54:12
  to other people, the loved ones in their lives
• 54:13
  that come to them in those hard times and express
• 54:15
  that they're struggling? Yeah. I think the best
• 54:18
  thing is I'm here to listen to you. Go ahead.
• 54:23
  You know, I think a lot of times we want to give
• 54:25
  advice, which advice is good. But I think a lot
• 54:28
  of times if someone's reaching out to you and
• 54:30
  they're struggling, they want to vent and they
• 54:33
  just need a listening ear. They don't want advice
• 54:35
  in that moment. If they want advice, they'll
• 54:37
  tell you. And I think one of the best things
• 54:40
  we can do is be an empathetic listener and tell
• 54:45
  them that. Like if you came up to me and said,
• 54:47
  man, I am struggling. I need help. I'd be like,
• 54:49
  okay, I'm here to listen, brother. Tell me what's
• 54:52
  on your heart. And I'm going to shut up. And
• 54:55
  then when you are ready for advice, you're going
• 54:57
  to tell me, hey, what would you do here, Todd?
• 54:59
  Or what would you, okay, I'll give you some advice.
• 55:02
  But if you just need to vent and cry on my shoulder,
• 55:04
  I'm here for you. I think if we'll do that, that
• 55:07
  will go a million miles further than, oh, well,
• 55:11
  you know what? You shouldn't let this bother
• 55:13
  you. And, you know, screw your other who's divorcing
• 55:16
  you. And, you know, don't listen to, they don't
• 55:18
  want to hear that. No. Because they're hurting.
• 55:20
  Let them. Unleash the hurt. Let it come out.
• 55:25
  I don't know if this is true or not, but it's
• 55:27
  a great metaphor. When a lion chases a gazelle
• 55:30
  and the gazelle's running for its life, knows
• 55:33
  it's going to maybe die here, but it gets away.
• 55:37
  And once it realizes, it looks around, it's safe.
• 55:40
  It's finally safe. It will fall down and shake.
• 55:43
  violently because it allows the anxiety that
• 55:46
  it was experiencing to come out and it experiences
• 55:48
  the, all of it and basically processes it and
• 55:52
  then pops back up and goes about living another
• 55:54
  day and everything's good. And I think it's a
• 55:56
  great metaphor for us that we need to shake violently
• 56:00
  sometimes, or in other words, express what we're
• 56:02
  going through. A lot of us just suppress, suppress.
• 56:06
  Oh, I'm just going to bug Ryan. If I go, if I
• 56:09
  go talk to him, he's just, I'm bothering him.
• 56:11
  No, bother him. Bother me, but you're not bothering.
• 56:15
  That's the key, you know? So I think, I think
• 56:18
  that is the key to just be a listening ear. And
• 56:22
  when they want advice, they're going to ask you
• 56:24
  for advice. And, and I, and this might be me.
• 56:28
  It's so hard for me because I mean, my profession
• 56:33
  is giving people advice all day. You know, literally
• 56:35
  what I get paid to do, I was trained to do. I
• 56:38
  get paid to look at problems, solve the problem,
• 56:41
  provide the solutions. And when I have my loved
• 56:45
  ones come to me or my wife comes to me, it's
• 56:52
  sometimes hard to just like, Ryan, the role here
• 56:55
  is just listen. Just listen. Let them get that.
• 57:00
  out let them shake let them have that expression
• 57:02
  yeah um and it's a really good reminder to me
• 57:05
  you know because yeah if if if you're either
• 57:09
  the one that always wants to solve the problems
• 57:10
  or you're just the one that always wants to listen
• 57:12
  and sometimes they need advice like adapt and
• 57:15
  learn i i i it's really it's a good reminder
• 57:18
  because there's times where i just need to be
• 57:19
  a better yeah listener and just absorb it and
• 57:22
  listen it's funny because sometimes i'll my wife
• 57:25
  will be sharing some i'll even say do you want
• 57:27
  some advice here or do you you just need my ear
• 57:29
  yeah and she'll nine nine times out attention
• 57:32
  i just need you to listen to my okay beautiful
• 57:34
  Because I'm like you, too. I'm like, well, I
• 57:37
  know you can do this, and I've got this. This
• 57:39
  will help you. Because you've got all the things,
• 57:40
  right? I've got all the answers, supposedly,
• 57:42
  right? But yeah, yeah. So it is tough. But I
• 57:45
  think in any relationship, if we can be more
• 57:47
  of an empathetic listener, you know, communication
• 57:50
  or lack of is... I think one of the leading causes
• 57:53
  of divorce is that we're not communicating at
• 57:56
  all or we're doing it the wrong way. So if we
• 57:59
  can learn to be empathetically listening, it's
• 58:02
  a skill like anything else. If we practice it,
• 58:04
  we get better at it. But no one teaches us that
• 58:06
  when we get married. It's like, hey, good luck.
• 58:09
  Don't fight. You're like, okay, whatever. Anyway.
• 58:13
  It's actually really insightful, Todd, because
• 58:15
  doing this, people ask me all the time, why?
• 58:20
  i think people get divorced what's the most common
• 58:21
  reason i i get asked it dozens and dozens of
• 58:25
  times yeah and that is the answer i give them
• 58:27
  wow it's communication that is actually exactly
• 58:29
  what i tell people it's communication because
• 58:31
  whether or not it ends up being cheating or finances
• 58:34
  or fighting or uh addiction like at the end of
• 58:39
  the day when when the couple fails to effectively
• 58:42
  communicate together That's when the cracks come
• 58:46
  in and they don't get fixed and they don't get
• 58:48
  solved. And then it becomes something much, much
• 58:50
  worse. Yeah. Well, it makes sense though, if
• 58:52
  you think about it, because when we communicate,
• 58:54
  we're connected. Like if I feel heard, I feel
• 58:58
  so good about myself. Yes. And vice versa, right?
• 59:01
  That's why connection is so powerful. You know,
• 59:03
  in my business, the opposite of addiction isn't
• 59:07
  sobriety, it's connection. And we learned that
• 59:09
  from Johan Hari, who has an amazing TED Talk
• 59:11
  on that, by the way. I haven't heard and I'm
• 59:16
  going to listen to, and we're going to put it
• 59:17
  in the show notes so that people can go listen
• 59:19
  to that. It's amazing. The Ted talk, it'll blow
• 59:22
  your mind. And this guy's awesome. But he talks
• 59:24
  about just how powerful connection and we're
• 59:26
  never more fully alive than when we're connected.
• 59:29
  So your spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend, when
• 59:33
  you are connecting. Dude, that's the magic. So
• 59:37
  yes, it makes sense. If we're not communicating,
• 59:40
  we're not connecting. And if we're not connecting,
• 59:42
  then we're left to our thoughts. And then when
• 59:45
  our thoughts are running wild, now we start,
• 59:47
  and then we start pretending to be someone we're
• 59:48
  not. And then we come in lashing out and dah,
• 59:51
  dah, dah, dah, dah. And just, it's a snowball
• 59:53
  effect. So get back to empathetically. Listen,
• 59:56
  I do this thing called a 10 minute miracle. I
• 59:58
  don't know if we have time to share this. Yes,
• 59:59
  I want to hear it. Okay. So I'll be fast. No,
• 1:00:02
  I'm ready. So with the couples, I'll do this
• 1:00:03
  all the time. It's amazing. I call it the 10
• 1:00:05
  minute miracle. And what it is, is we sit down
• 1:00:08
  as a couple and I'll, I'll use my wife as an
• 1:00:11
  example. So her name's Bonnie. So we'll sit down
• 1:00:14
  and she gets five minutes to talk about her day.
• 1:00:18
  Okay. And I don't, I can't say a word. This is
• 1:00:20
  her time. So I sit down and I listen. She can
• 1:00:22
  tell me whatever she wants about her day. Good,
• 1:00:24
  bad, all of it. What she did, everything, all
• 1:00:26
  the details, everything. And then at the end
• 1:00:29
  of her five minutes, she talks about any regrets,
• 1:00:31
  resentments, and appreciations. Okay. And she
• 1:00:35
  might say, I have no regrets. She might say,
• 1:00:37
  Todd, I resent you a little bit today because
• 1:00:39
  you left this morning. Didn't say goodbye. You
• 1:00:41
  left the kitchen a mess. I resent that. And I'm
• 1:00:43
  still just listening. And then she ends with
• 1:00:45
  appreciations. I want you to know how much I
• 1:00:47
  appreciate you as my husband, how hard you work.
• 1:00:50
  I want you to know it really is inspiring to
• 1:00:52
  me. Now, when she's done, now I get five minutes.
• 1:00:54
  Now, since she brought up a resentment, I address
• 1:00:56
  that first. I own it. You're right. I left early.
• 1:01:00
  I left the kitchen a mess. That's on me. And
• 1:01:02
  I apologize. I heard you say that. So I own it.
• 1:01:05
  Then five minutes about my day. And then I talk
• 1:01:08
  about any regrets, resentments, appreciation.
• 1:01:11
  I might say, I regret that I left this morning
• 1:01:12
  without saying goodbye. I have no resentments
• 1:01:16
  towards you at this moment. And I appreciate
• 1:01:17
  you as my wife for always loving me no matter
• 1:01:20
  what. It means the world. You're the best mom.
• 1:01:25
  And then we stand up and do what I that I've
• 1:01:27
  learned about the eight second hug. You know,
• 1:01:29
  psychology will say when you hug for eight seconds,
• 1:01:31
  your hearts will start to beat at the same connection
• 1:01:34
  at the same rate connection. Right. And we'll
• 1:01:37
  do that. And I'll tell you, if we do that five
• 1:01:41
  days a week, that's 50 minutes. And resentments
• 1:01:45
  are being brought up in the time they need to.
• 1:01:48
  And I have couples do this. who have not been
• 1:01:51
  doing any of this. Right. And it's a miracle
• 1:01:53
  that what starts to happen. I have couples that
• 1:01:56
  come to me. They're going to get a divorce. I
• 1:01:57
  haven't do this 10 minute miracle for, for if
• 1:02:00
  they'll commit to it for the next couple of weeks
• 1:02:01
  without fail, they'll be like, yeah, we're, we're
• 1:02:04
  finally connecting. This feels good. We're not
• 1:02:06
  going to go. We're going to put that divorce
• 1:02:08
  on hold for a minute. And it's amazing what starts
• 1:02:11
  to happen. I heard a statistic. I don't know
• 1:02:13
  how accurate this is, but the average couple
• 1:02:16
  speaks 28 minutes a week to each other. a week.
• 1:02:22
  Right. And in that 28 to 30 minutes a week, it's
• 1:02:27
  all surfacy stuff. Hey, I need you to go to the
• 1:02:29
  store. Can you pick this up? Hey, the kids need
• 1:02:31
  this. The kids who go, which is all, yeah, we
• 1:02:33
  got to do that. Right. But we never sit down,
• 1:02:36
  especially when we got busy lives and put everything
• 1:02:40
  on hold. So if we, if we did that five days a
• 1:02:42
  week, that 10 minute miracle, you're almost doubling
• 1:02:44
  the national average and you're bringing up things
• 1:02:48
  that matter. And you're connecting. And everyone
• 1:02:51
  has time for 10 minutes. 100 % they do. Everyone
• 1:02:54
  does. And can it be longer than 10? Yeah, if
• 1:02:57
  it needs to be, it needs to be. But you follow
• 1:02:58
  the same pattern. It eliminates ping pong communication.
• 1:03:03
  You're listening. I'm empathetically listening
• 1:03:05
  to you for five minutes. I want to hear about
• 1:03:06
  your day. Go. I'm not going to chime in. Not
• 1:03:09
  that I'm going to listen. I love this. Yeah.
• 1:03:12
  It's interesting. When people will talk to me
• 1:03:15
  about divorce and... A lot of people say like,
• 1:03:18
  oh, you probably want people to get divorced.
• 1:03:20
  And it's really interesting. Maybe there's divorce
• 1:03:22
  attorneys out there that do. Maybe. You know,
• 1:03:25
  there's a lot of divorce attorneys out there.
• 1:03:26
  But like when I say nothing could be further
• 1:03:29
  from the truth, I mean it. Because I tell people
• 1:03:32
  all the time, I am not in the business to tell
• 1:03:35
  people to get divorced. If I meet with somebody
• 1:03:37
  and I think that there's an opportunity for them
• 1:03:39
  to fix a relationship and I can connect them
• 1:03:41
  with a therapist or something like that. 100
• 1:03:43
  i'm going to do it wow that's awesome if people
• 1:03:45
  need to get divorced because sometimes it's the
• 1:03:47
  right answer i myself am yeah my two boys are
• 1:03:51
  with with my egg yeah sometimes that's what you've
• 1:03:53
  got to do but sure when when couples can figure
• 1:03:57
  it out they can fix that communication and um
• 1:04:00
  and it can be to the benefit of their relationship
• 1:04:02
  and their kids if they have them absolutely i
• 1:04:05
  that is why would i not want that Of course,
• 1:04:08
  that's what I want, what I think is the right
• 1:04:11
  thing. I love this idea of the 10 -minute miracle
• 1:04:14
  that we call it. Okay, we need to put that in
• 1:04:17
  the show notes. We're going to put that in there.
• 1:04:18
  I mean, today's Friday. I'm going to talk to
• 1:04:21
  my wife today and be like, honey, we're going
• 1:04:23
  to do this 10 -minute thing. One of the things
• 1:04:25
  that I really appreciate that we started doing
• 1:04:27
  is I've got about a 15 -minute drive home from
• 1:04:31
  the office. And every day we get on the phone
• 1:04:33
  and talk on my drive home. And I hate talking
• 1:04:35
  on the phone. Like I hate it. Like I've obviously
• 1:04:38
  have to talk to clients sometimes on the phone.
• 1:04:40
  Like it is what I got to do. I hate it. But that
• 1:04:43
  is one thing that I've found an opportunity for
• 1:04:45
  us just to, we just do it every day. We do it
• 1:04:47
  every day. Now I love the idea more of us sitting
• 1:04:50
  down as well and having that communication. I
• 1:04:53
  tell you, it's a game changer, but I love that
• 1:04:54
  you're doing that. And you know, the best definition
• 1:04:56
  of love I've ever heard is sacrifice. So you
• 1:04:59
  just said it. You don't really like talking on
• 1:05:01
  the phone at all. But you do it. Why? Because
• 1:05:04
  you're sacrificing because you love her. That's
• 1:05:06
  what it is. You're doing the thing because you
• 1:05:09
  know it matters for the relationship. That's
• 1:05:12
  sacrifice. That's love. And love and sacrifice,
• 1:05:18
  when it's coming from both sides, it creates
• 1:05:20
  that connection like you're talking about. It's
• 1:05:22
  amazing, yeah. That's where the magic is, man.
• 1:05:25
  Yeah, I love it. Okay, so we're going to get
• 1:05:27
  to a couple of fun segments real quick here.
• 1:05:29
  Before I do, though. yeah what should i have
• 1:05:32
  asked you about the topic we're talking about
• 1:05:35
  or about aladdin that i didn't about aladdin
• 1:05:38
  aladdin or the topic overall that i haven't asked
• 1:05:41
  you yet what did i miss boy well you're putting
• 1:05:44
  me on the spot here i mean you've asked some
• 1:05:46
  great questions i mean it's been awesome i i
• 1:05:49
  don't know i think i think maybe the question
• 1:05:52
  would be why do we beat ourselves up so easily
• 1:05:59
  versus just being the opposite, right? Positive
• 1:06:02
  and believing. I mean, I think that's a big question.
• 1:06:05
  A lot of people wonder like, why is negativity
• 1:06:06
  when the day seems like, you know? And I think
• 1:06:10
  what I've learned is that, you know, we're emotional
• 1:06:15
  creatures and we believe quickly what we hear,
• 1:06:21
  right? Especially as a kid. Right. I'll give
• 1:06:25
  you an example of why I'm saying this. I had
• 1:06:28
  a client when I met him, he was in his mid fifties,
• 1:06:32
  heroin addict, slamming heroin. And one of the
• 1:06:37
  exercises I have my clients do is I have them
• 1:06:40
  write down all the negative things they tell
• 1:06:42
  themselves. And as a way to kind of like, let's
• 1:06:45
  put, let's get the negative narrative in the
• 1:06:47
  head out on paper. Let's see it. And anyway,
• 1:06:50
  he does this process, right? And his list was
• 1:06:52
  a mile long. And at the top of his list was,
• 1:06:55
  I'm stupid. And I asked him, here he is in his
• 1:06:58
  mid fifties. I said, where did that come from?
• 1:07:00
  Like, you know, and he said, well, when I was
• 1:07:03
  in fifth grade, I was at parent teacher conference
• 1:07:05
  and overheard the teacher tell my parents, your
• 1:07:08
  son's not very bright. So this poor fifth grader
• 1:07:12
  hears this and he's devastated. He is crushed.
• 1:07:17
  He's like my teacher thinks I'm stupid And he
• 1:07:22
  bought into it. He just agreed with it He agreed
• 1:07:25
  with it. You know, the book, The Four Agreements
• 1:07:28
  calls that black magic. And he bought into it.
• 1:07:31
  And from that day forward, he told himself he
• 1:07:34
  was stupid. And then he proves it by getting
• 1:07:36
  bad grades, hating school, and then he eventually
• 1:07:38
  drops out. And so I asked him, do you still believe
• 1:07:40
  you're stupid now? And he goes, yeah. And he
• 1:07:42
  goes, I go, how has that held you back in your
• 1:07:44
  life? Well, he goes, well, I didn't go to college.
• 1:07:46
  I do low paying jobs. I walk with my head down.
• 1:07:49
  I'll never read a book in front of someone. I'm
• 1:07:51
  miserable. I stay out of social situations. And
• 1:07:53
  I look at. him i said that's why you slam heroin
• 1:07:55
  he's like what they go yeah there it is that's
• 1:07:59
  why you do what you do And anyway, kind of blew
• 1:08:02
  his mind. And it's just interesting that no one
• 1:08:05
  teaches a fifth grader how to process that negative
• 1:08:09
  news or that negative statement, right? It's
• 1:08:13
  like, you know, this is pretty popular saying,
• 1:08:15
  you know, you tell a girl she's beautiful. She
• 1:08:17
  remembers it for a day. You tell her she's ugly.
• 1:08:19
  She remembers it for the rest of her life, right?
• 1:08:22
  It's for some reason we latch on to that negative
• 1:08:25
  because there's such an emotional response to
• 1:08:27
  that negativity. And then that becomes habitual
• 1:08:31
  and then so on and so forth. And so we have to
• 1:08:34
  actually really be careful and mindful and intentional
• 1:08:39
  of telling ourselves. positive things about ourselves.
• 1:08:42
  Because negativity in the world, especially now
• 1:08:45
  with social media, we are bombarded with so much
• 1:08:48
  information that's negative. And it just wins
• 1:08:50
  the day, unfortunately. Now, I know not with
• 1:08:53
  everyone, but man, I'll tell you, I see it widespread.
• 1:08:55
  I speak all over the place. I speak to kids.
• 1:08:57
  This is their wrestle. I mean, kids in junior
• 1:08:59
  high and in elementary school are already believing
• 1:09:02
  they're not good enough. They already believe
• 1:09:04
  it. It's like, well, where did that come from?
• 1:09:06
  They weren't born believing that. They learned
• 1:09:08
  it somehow. And so it is an issue. And I think
• 1:09:11
  that's my life's work is I want to help these
• 1:09:14
  kids flip that around and tell them the truth.
• 1:09:18
  And so I don't know if that answers that. And
• 1:09:21
  it leads me to another thing that I want to get
• 1:09:25
  your take on real quick, and then we'll hit our
• 1:09:27
  fun segments. So I wrote in another quote from
• 1:09:30
  the movie, and I'm actually going to alter it
• 1:09:32
  a little bit, and I'll tell you why. So the quote
• 1:09:34
  is, Jasmine, I do love you, but I've got to stop
• 1:09:38
  pretending to be something that I'm not. And
• 1:09:39
  I'm going to change it because we're yes and.
• 1:09:42
  Jasmine, I do love you. And I've got to stop
• 1:09:44
  pretending to be something that I'm not. So I'd
• 1:09:46
  just like to change that because it's a yes and,
• 1:09:47
  right? We want to be a yes and here. Yes. What
• 1:09:50
  would you tell people if they are in that zone
• 1:09:56
  of believing something wrong or negative about
• 1:09:59
  themselves? What should they believe? If they're
• 1:10:03
  going to be able to come to their own, have more
• 1:10:05
  love, have more connection. um, have more love
• 1:10:08
  for themselves and more kindness to themselves.
• 1:10:11
  What do they need to believe about themselves?
• 1:10:13
  What should they believe? Well, the belief is
• 1:10:14
  your worth was set the moment you were born.
• 1:10:16
  Like if I asked someone, what is your, I'm going
• 1:10:18
  to, I'm going to do it with you right now. If
• 1:10:20
  I was to ask you, what's your value as a human
• 1:10:22
  being from zero to a hundred. And if you're being
• 1:10:25
  completely, just brutally honest right now and
• 1:10:28
  vulnerable, where would you put yourself on that
• 1:10:31
  scale? My work to like humanity or like Who I
• 1:10:35
  am not even I'm not even a I'm gonna just what
• 1:10:38
  are you what comes to mind? Like where are you
• 1:10:40
  at on it's just go with it 70 70, okay Where
• 1:10:46
  are your kids on that scale hundred? See there
• 1:10:48
  we go. See Your kids make mistakes. They're not
• 1:10:52
  perfect, but you're in your eyes. They're at
• 1:10:54
  a hundred. They always will be. They'll never,
• 1:10:56
  they'll never vary from that hundred. So the
• 1:10:59
  answer was a hundred. You may have wanted to
• 1:11:01
  say that too, but the truth is you're at a hundred.
• 1:11:04
  And so has everyone listened to this because
• 1:11:06
  the only reason why our value fluctuate is just
• 1:11:11
  with our own thinking. Because anyone listening
• 1:11:14
  to this, you have kids, where's the value of
• 1:11:16
  your children? They'd be like, they're at 100,
• 1:11:18
  period. No questions asked. You can answer it
• 1:11:20
  so fast, you don't even have to ask it, right?
• 1:11:22
  But when we think of ourselves, isn't it fascinating?
• 1:11:25
  We wrestle with it, right? One of the things
• 1:11:28
  I do too, I like to ask the crowd. I'll say,
• 1:11:32
  don't you guys think people are astonishing?
• 1:11:34
  And the crowd was like, oh, yeah, yeah, people
• 1:11:36
  are saying, well, what does that mean about you
• 1:11:38
  then? And you see him just get really uncomfortable
• 1:11:40
  all of a sudden. I go, isn't that fascinating?
• 1:11:44
  Imagine if you showed up today believing you're
• 1:11:48
  astonishing. How would you carry yourself if
• 1:11:51
  you actually believed it? Because the truth is
• 1:11:53
  you are. No, I don't care what you've been through.
• 1:11:56
  I don't care what you've done. I don't care what
• 1:11:58
  someone's done to you. You're astonishing. But
• 1:12:02
  most of the time we show up believing we're not
• 1:12:04
  good enough that no one likes us We're not handsome
• 1:12:06
  enough or pretty enough or stupid, but the list
• 1:12:09
  goes on And yeah, yeah, I'm about a 70 or whatever
• 1:12:13
  And again, I know I kind of set you up for that
• 1:12:15
  But the truth is well, but we look at ourselves
• 1:12:18
  as lower and what's interesting though is I had
• 1:12:20
  to be honest because you asked me to be Because
• 1:12:23
  I academically I wanted to say a hundred right?
• 1:12:25
  I was like, okay This is what it needs to be
• 1:12:26
  a hundred percent. No, but like let me be honest
• 1:12:28
  and if I'm honest that's what I think. Right.
• 1:12:32
  And so we all, we all have work to do. Right.
• 1:12:35
  We're all in moments where we're like, okay,
• 1:12:37
  yeah, I'm 70, I'm 50, right. I'm 30. Yeah. 90.
• 1:12:41
  Yeah. Not a hundred. Yeah. And you may feel that
• 1:12:44
  way, but again, your value is at a hundred. Yeah.
• 1:12:48
  And there's days where I feel like I'm at a 20,
• 1:12:50
  you know, geez. But I have to remind myself,
• 1:12:52
  yeah, but my value didn't fluctuate just because
• 1:12:54
  I feel a little down today. Even if I made a
• 1:12:57
  mistake and I'm beating myself up with a mistake,
• 1:12:59
  I got to catch and go, why am I beating myself
• 1:13:01
  up for this? What's the point? I mean, do I need
• 1:13:04
  to beat myself up for the next week? I mean,
• 1:13:06
  again, guilt's good because guilt reminds us
• 1:13:09
  don't do it again. But if we hold on to guilt
• 1:13:11
  too long, it turns into shame. And shame is the
• 1:13:14
  lie. Shame is I'm not good enough. It really
• 1:13:18
  is. It's the killer. That's what will keep you
• 1:13:20
  stuck more than anything. So yeah, it's okay
• 1:13:22
  to feel a little pain because you made a mistake.
• 1:13:24
  Learn from it and tell yourself, okay, I'm going
• 1:13:27
  to be better today. I'm going to be 1 % better
• 1:13:29
  today than I was yesterday. Yeah. It's guilt
• 1:13:31
  is I did something bad. Shame is I am bad. Yeah.
• 1:13:34
  And shame is a lie. It's such a lie. I mean,
• 1:13:37
  Brene Brown does so much work on shame. It's
• 1:13:39
  so amazing to help us understand. why shame is
• 1:13:45
  so harmful and why we need to eradicate that
• 1:13:46
  out of our lives. For sure. Amazing. Besides
• 1:13:50
  this podcast, I actually own a law firm, RCG
• 1:13:52
  Law Group. And I'll be honest, most people think
• 1:13:55
  only about calling a lawyer when something has
• 1:13:57
  gone sideways already. We'd rather you know who
• 1:14:00
  we are before that happens. So if you ever need
• 1:14:03
  us, we're right here. This has been so good.
• 1:14:07
  Okay. So we're going to move real quick to some
• 1:14:09
  fun segments. All right. And then we'll circle
• 1:14:10
  back to your three actionable takeaways. Okay.
• 1:14:13
  We were giving some people some things they can
• 1:14:15
  do today, and I still want you to get to do those,
• 1:14:16
  but we'll come back to three very specific things.
• 1:14:18
  So the first thing when we have is called this
• 1:14:21
  or that. Okay. So it's just whatever of these
• 1:14:23
  two you think. Right. And it could be controversial.
• 1:14:27
  So if it is, we're going to have a little discussion
• 1:14:30
  about it. Okay. The first one, Abu or the magic
• 1:14:33
  carpet. Magic carpet. Okay. Tell me more. I just
• 1:14:38
  think I love magic and carpet. I mean, come on.
• 1:14:42
  When I watched that, I was like, who wouldn't
• 1:14:45
  want a magic carpet? Right. It was the coolest
• 1:14:47
  thing ever. So cool. And I just, I mean, even
• 1:14:49
  as a little kid, I used to wish I was magic and
• 1:14:53
  I wanted to always. Like, if I could make something
• 1:14:56
  appear, like, I always would, I would dream of
• 1:14:59
  having pancakes because I loved pancakes. So
• 1:15:03
  I'd be laying in my bed starving as a kid. I'm
• 1:15:04
  like, I wish I was magic to make pancakes appear
• 1:15:07
  right before my very eyes. So that's probably
• 1:15:09
  why the magic carpet. I love it. I think it's
• 1:15:11
  awesome. Oh, yeah. It has such a great personality,
• 1:15:13
  too. Like, in Adam and Object, they did a great
• 1:15:15
  job of making the carpet have a personality.
• 1:15:17
  Yeah. It was so awesome. Give me some Tassel.
• 1:15:22
  Cave of Wonders treasure or the Sultan's Palace?
• 1:15:26
  Cave of Wonders. Okay. Because it's wonders.
• 1:15:30
  You don't know exactly what's in there. The palace
• 1:15:33
  is predictable. Yeah. I think the Cave of Wonders
• 1:15:35
  is a variable. You don't know what's in there.
• 1:15:39
  Yeah. That's why you wonder, what is it? Yeah.
• 1:15:42
  And I think it's interesting with it too. Now
• 1:15:44
  that you say that, like, that's why the, is it
• 1:15:47
  a lion head or whatever that they go into? What
• 1:15:50
  it says is like, the only one that can enter
• 1:15:52
  is the diamond in the rough. In other words,
• 1:15:54
  somebody who's going to actually appreciate what's
• 1:15:56
  actually in here and maybe not get lost in all
• 1:15:59
  the treasure, the coin. I like where you went
• 1:16:03
  with that one. I was actually thinking palace.
• 1:16:05
  So I like your answer there. Okay. For songs
• 1:16:09
  in Aladdin, Prince Ali or A Whole New World?
• 1:16:14
  Oh, boy. That's a tough one. I'd probably go
• 1:16:18
  with Prince Ali. Okay. Yeah. Again, it's just
• 1:16:21
  catchy. I like them both. But, yeah, I would
• 1:16:23
  probably go with that one. Prince Ali, you know,
• 1:16:25
  has a good beat to it. Totally does. Makes you
• 1:16:29
  feel good when you listen to it. Again, going
• 1:16:31
  back to Robin Williams. And you got Robin Williams.
• 1:16:32
  Yeah. So, again, I'm a huge fan. So great. So
• 1:16:35
  great. Okay. We'll go to just general stuff.
• 1:16:40
  Road trip or flying on a plane somewhere? Road
• 1:16:43
  trip. You're a road trip guy. Okay. Yeah. I don't
• 1:16:47
  like flying. Really? Yeah. I'm better now, but
• 1:16:51
  man, I used to be petrified to fly. And what
• 1:16:54
  did you do to overcome it? Got on a plane. Just
• 1:16:57
  did it. Just kept going. Yeah. Todd, that means
• 1:17:00
  we need to have you have some conversations with
• 1:17:02
  Dawson, our producer. He is not a plane guy at
• 1:17:06
  all, I just learned. So you understand, yes.
• 1:17:09
  So he gets it. And we need to get him to Disney
• 1:17:13
  World with his sweet wife. That's a long road
• 1:17:16
  trip. That would be a very long road trip. So
• 1:17:19
  we're going to have to have you do some talking
• 1:17:22
  with Dawson, connect and get him to overcome
• 1:17:24
  that fear of flying. Yeah. um in relation to
• 1:17:29
  that do you have like a playlist for your road
• 1:17:30
  trips do you like go to a certain 80s music yeah
• 1:17:33
  yeah i think 80s is the best music um i'm also
• 1:17:37
  kind of a heavy metal guy back in the 80s as
• 1:17:40
  well so i like a lot of that kind of stuff what
• 1:17:42
  year are you born a uh 68. okay 68. so you're
• 1:17:46
  hitting 80s at a time where that's like the core
• 1:17:49
  of you're coming into your music your taste your
• 1:17:52
  choice not your parents exactly that's why for
• 1:17:55
  me it's the 90s yeah i was born in 82. makes
• 1:17:57
  sense yeah so like 90s are like oh i could always
• 1:18:00
  go back to that night for sure My parents were,
• 1:18:02
  I mean, not old when they had me, but a little
• 1:18:04
  bit older. So I kind of skipped the 80s. They
• 1:18:06
  had me listen to 60s and 70s. Oh, yeah. Like
• 1:18:08
  classic rock and that kind of stuff from the
• 1:18:10
  60s and 70s. I didn't really know much 80s. My
• 1:18:13
  new Michael Jackson, he was the best. But a lot
• 1:18:17
  of 80s stuff, I didn't. Yeah, interesting. Like
• 1:18:19
  when we grow up and we have that impact, right?
• 1:18:21
  Exactly, yeah. Okay, because you're a basketball
• 1:18:23
  guy, NBA finals or March Madness? Oh, boy. I
• 1:18:31
  would say March Madness now, probably 20 years
• 1:18:35
  ago, I would have said NBA Finals. Why did that
• 1:18:38
  change? Well, for one, I went to the NBA Finals
• 1:18:41
  when Michael Jordan was playing the Jets. You
• 1:18:43
  did not. My dad had season tickets, yeah. So
• 1:18:47
  I went to a couple of those games. So I saw it
• 1:18:49
  live. So that's why back then NBA Finals was
• 1:18:53
  everything to me. I just think the NBA has changed
• 1:18:56
  in a lot of ways. I think it's... Kind of made
• 1:19:00
  the product worse in my opinion. Sure. I love
• 1:19:03
  just March Madness just the raw grit It's one
• 1:19:06
  and done and you get the Cinderella stories people
• 1:19:09
  like because anyone could beat anyone at any
• 1:19:11
  given night and just watch these amazing No -name
• 1:19:15
  schools that can you know, somehow win two or
• 1:19:18
  three in the tournament. So I just love that
• 1:19:20
  part of it Yeah. March Madness for me, it's my
• 1:19:23
  Super Bowl every year. And I love the Super Bowl.
• 1:19:25
  Don't get me wrong. I'm a sports guy. But the
• 1:19:28
  first two days of March Madness, I take those
• 1:19:30
  off. In my house, it's really excessive. I shouldn't.
• 1:19:35
  But I have four TVs on the wall. I have a game
• 1:19:36
  on each TV. And I sit there and bring in Buffalo
• 1:19:38
  Wild Wings, bring in pizza. And I'm just going
• 1:19:41
  to watch those games. I just love it. Couldn't
• 1:19:44
  agree more. I love that. It's so fun. Yeah. Okay.
• 1:19:49
  Being on stage. or a one -to -one conversation
• 1:19:52
  with the work that you do? You're asking me an
• 1:19:56
  impossible question because I love them both.
• 1:19:59
  I was hoping it would be really hard. If I have
• 1:20:01
  to pick one, I'll probably say on stage. Okay.
• 1:20:06
  Yeah. That connection in the room. I've had so
• 1:20:09
  many experience where the room was just, you
• 1:20:12
  could feel the energy that everyone was on the
• 1:20:15
  same page. That is power. And boy, that is...
• 1:20:19
  just, I don't know how to explain it. It's just,
• 1:20:21
  it is amazing. But I've had that as well with
• 1:20:24
  the one -on -ones where it's like, there's this
• 1:20:25
  connection kind of like what we're having right
• 1:20:27
  now. Even it's like, this is cool. This is amazing.
• 1:20:30
  Right. It's like, I liken it to, there's no drug
• 1:20:34
  that I ever did that could give me this feeling.
• 1:20:37
  Right. And the feeling I'm on when I'm on stage,
• 1:20:39
  that, that authentic connection, there's no drug
• 1:20:43
  on the planet that gives you that. It just doesn't.
• 1:20:45
  I mean, that, that resonates for me. I mean,
• 1:20:47
  I haven't talked on stages like you have, but,
• 1:20:49
  um i was a theater kid oh yeah so yeah one of
• 1:20:53
  the reasons why i want to be in court as an attorney
• 1:20:55
  yeah that performing on stage and doing so advocating
• 1:20:59
  for somebody right like advocating for something
• 1:21:01
  yes but there's there's a there's a performative
• 1:21:04
  nature that like is a drug for me 100 when you've
• 1:21:07
  got somebody responding and connecting with what
• 1:21:09
  you're able to say or do on a stage for me in
• 1:21:12
  court as well like oh there's something cool
• 1:21:15
  about it yeah and you know what Can I digress?
• 1:21:19
  Yeah. If you don't have time for it, it's okay.
• 1:21:21
  But I would love for you to share with our audience
• 1:21:24
  your onstage experience that you had at the prison.
• 1:21:28
  I heard you tell that story. Yeah. And my best
• 1:21:33
  friend works at the jail, which I know is different
• 1:21:35
  than the prison, but he works at the jail. My
• 1:21:37
  grandma was a prison guard. at the prison when
• 1:21:40
  it was in Draper many, many, many years ago.
• 1:21:42
  Wow. Very, very long time ago, but she was. And
• 1:21:44
  when I heard you tell that story, it just really
• 1:21:48
  connected. And so if you have time, I'd love
• 1:21:50
  for you to quickly share that story. I think
• 1:21:52
  it's so good. Yeah. So I got invited by Toastmasters
• 1:21:55
  to go speak at the Utah State Prison. It was
• 1:21:59
  before COVID. the prison that was at the point
• 1:22:02
  of the mountain that's no longer there. They
• 1:22:03
  moved it. But I absolutely said yes to it. But
• 1:22:08
  I was a little nervous. I've done a lot of speaking
• 1:22:10
  at the Salt Lake Youth Detention and Decker Lake
• 1:22:12
  and younger kids who are locked up. But I had
• 1:22:14
  never been invited to the prison on this scale,
• 1:22:17
  right? And so I said yes. And I get out to this,
• 1:22:21
  you know, to go out to the prison. This might
• 1:22:24
  sound funny, but it looked like what you think
• 1:22:26
  prison would look like. It had big fences with
• 1:22:28
  barbed wire on top. And it's just kind of a little
• 1:22:30
  eerie feeling. You got to go through metal doors
• 1:22:32
  and had to go through a metal detector. They
• 1:22:35
  did a background check on me the whole nine yards.
• 1:22:36
  Had to take my belt off, my shoes. Couldn't go
• 1:22:39
  in there with my watch or phone, nothing. I mean,
• 1:22:41
  it's just, it's a different experience, right?
• 1:22:44
  Well, they had three guards that were there waiting
• 1:22:46
  for me. to kind of give me the lay of the land,
• 1:22:48
  right? And there was 120 inmates waiting for
• 1:22:51
  me. And it was a place called Promontory out
• 1:22:53
  at the prison. It was a center block wall gymnasium
• 1:22:55
  with a wood floor. And these guards said, okay,
• 1:22:59
  before you go in there, and they're just kind
• 1:23:00
  of telling me what's going on and what they expect.
• 1:23:02
  And one of the guards said, you know, if something
• 1:23:05
  goes down in there, make sure you're standing
• 1:23:06
  by one of us. And I'm sitting there going, is
• 1:23:08
  there something going to go down? Did you hear
• 1:23:10
  a rumor, right? You're going to go after the
• 1:23:12
  guest speaker? And he's like, no, we just have
• 1:23:14
  to tell you that. Now my heart's really... pounding
• 1:23:16
  right so i walk in there 120 inmates dude and
• 1:23:20
  they're sitting straight up They're not talking
• 1:23:23
  to their neighbor. And it was like, you could
• 1:23:25
  hear a pin drop. So they could hear me walking
• 1:23:27
  in wood floor, center block wall. They all turn
• 1:23:30
  and look at me. All 120 of them want to talk
• 1:23:34
  about intimidation, you know, and I'm just like,
• 1:23:36
  whoa. And I'm like, in my head, I'm going, what
• 1:23:38
  are these guys thinking of me right now? Right.
• 1:23:40
  So I sit down and before I get up, they want
• 1:23:43
  me to take an hour and 15 minutes. They have
• 1:23:45
  three inmates. They're going to spend five minutes
• 1:23:47
  each sharing their story. I'm like, okay, cool.
• 1:23:50
  So I start listening to these guys. They stand
• 1:23:51
  up. These guys are getting emotional, talking
• 1:23:54
  about their stories. I'm like, where am I? It
• 1:23:58
  was amazing. And the last guy, before he sat
• 1:24:01
  down, before I have to get up, he says, if you
• 1:24:03
  don't own your story, it owns you. And I was
• 1:24:06
  like, that's what I needed to hear. I'm just
• 1:24:08
  going to stand up and own my story. I even told
• 1:24:10
  him, I'm still in that line from you. And so
• 1:24:13
  I get up and I start sharing my story to this,
• 1:24:16
  you know, all these prisoners, 120 of them. And
• 1:24:19
  I'm about a half hour into it. And I could tell
• 1:24:22
  we were connected. And then I had that tap on
• 1:24:24
  the shoulder moment. Ask him this question. I've
• 1:24:28
  never done this before. I never even planned.
• 1:24:30
  I mean, I had planned what I was going to share.
• 1:24:31
  This wasn't part of the plan. It was like, ask
• 1:24:34
  him this question. Here's the question I asked
• 1:24:36
  him. How many of you by the show of hands are
• 1:24:38
  criminals? You know, all the hands go up and
• 1:24:42
  they're like, dude, we're in prison. Yeah. And
• 1:24:44
  as their hands were raised, Ryan, I said, why
• 1:24:48
  are you guys lying to yourselves? Why are you
• 1:24:50
  lying? And, you know, hands start going down.
• 1:24:52
  They're like, what? You know, now they're talking
• 1:24:54
  and they're like, what's this clown doing, right?
• 1:24:56
  And as their hands went down, I said, you guys
• 1:24:58
  are lying. And I said, how many of you by the
• 1:25:02
  show of hands committed a crime today? And luckily,
• 1:25:05
  no hands went up because I don't know what I
• 1:25:08
  would have done to have a hand go up. I'm like,
• 1:25:09
  oh, well, get out of here. And then I said, how
• 1:25:12
  many of you committed a crime yesterday? Raise
• 1:25:14
  your hand. No hands go up. I said, see, you're
• 1:25:15
  lying. And then I asked him these questions.
• 1:25:18
  How many of you by the show of hands have told
• 1:25:21
  the truth just today? So far, look like every
• 1:25:26
  hand went up. How many of you have done the right
• 1:25:28
  thing when no one was looking? Look like every
• 1:25:31
  hand went up again. And then I said, how many
• 1:25:33
  of you have followed all the rules here today
• 1:25:35
  in prison? Every hand goes up. And then the last
• 1:25:37
  question, how many of you have shown respect
• 1:25:39
  to your cellmate today? Just so far today, every
• 1:25:42
  hand goes up. And I said, see, you're lying.
• 1:25:45
  You guys tell yourself you're criminals, but
• 1:25:47
  you just told me you're honest. You have integrity.
• 1:25:49
  You're respectful and you're caring. And Ryan,
• 1:25:53
  had I not been there, I wouldn't have believed
• 1:25:54
  it. I got a three minute standing ovation. These
• 1:25:58
  guys stood up and I'm not can you just started
• 1:26:01
  clapping screaming and I thought I was being
• 1:26:04
  punked and when I say three minutes I'm not exaggerating
• 1:26:07
  for the story. I swear it went three minutes.
• 1:26:09
  I was just like I started getting emotional I'm
• 1:26:13
  like and I'm like I wanted to go guys sit down
• 1:26:15
  I get it They just kept going and there was a
• 1:26:17
  guy like the third row going like this. I'm like
• 1:26:20
  what he goes Hey, can I come give you a hug?
• 1:26:21
  I'm like sure and he comes up the guards tackled
• 1:26:24
  him and no I'm kidding Guards didn't tackle him,
• 1:26:28
  but he did come give me a hug. I guess afterwards
• 1:26:30
  I found out he got in trouble for doing that.
• 1:26:31
  But anyway, he comes up, gives me a hug. Well,
• 1:26:33
  as they sat down, I shared this powerful truth.
• 1:26:36
  What follows I am follows you. And after I was
• 1:26:42
  done with my talk, all 120 of those inmates came
• 1:26:44
  up, shook my hand, gave me a hug and said, we
• 1:26:46
  have never had anyone ever tell us that. Thank
• 1:26:50
  you for telling us that. I said, I'm just here
• 1:26:53
  to tell you the truth. And they have a therapist
• 1:26:56
  that's there, you know, they rotate therapists
• 1:26:58
  that's always there. The one that happened to
• 1:27:01
  be there at the time I spoke said, I'm never
• 1:27:03
  going to let these guys call themselves criminals
• 1:27:06
  ever again. And I'm like, wow, that'd be cool
• 1:27:09
  if they actually did that. Well, this past June,
• 1:27:11
  I got invited to go speak at the new prison.
• 1:27:14
  And sure enough, they do not let their criminals,
• 1:27:18
  if you will, call themselves criminals anymore.
• 1:27:21
  And I'm like, you've got to be kidding me. And
• 1:27:23
  like, yeah, ever since we heard you speak there,
• 1:27:25
  we don't do that anymore. Like, wow. This week,
• 1:27:30
  I attended the Jordan School District Career
• 1:27:35
  and Technology Economic Summit. And they had
• 1:27:38
  a representative from the Department of Corrections
• 1:27:40
  there. Oh, really? Who helps recruit kids. Okay.
• 1:27:43
  And it was really interesting because as I heard
• 1:27:46
  her talk, I wish I could remember exactly the
• 1:27:50
  title she used. but she didn't say criminal she
• 1:27:54
  didn't even say inmates she used a totally different
• 1:27:57
  term for the people who are there wow and when
• 1:28:01
  i saw when i when i heard your story and then
• 1:28:03
  i i heard that i thought that that matters like
• 1:28:08
  it matters not just to them themselves but also
• 1:28:11
  like what the department of corrections is doing
• 1:28:12
  the way that they're talking about people that
• 1:28:15
  they're there to I mean, to guard, but also to
• 1:28:18
  help. I think the Department of Corrections here
• 1:28:20
  in the state of Utah has done a really good job
• 1:28:21
  of taking this focus of trying to get people
• 1:28:24
  to be able to be reintegrated into society in
• 1:28:27
  positive ways. I've been very impressed because
• 1:28:30
  I did a tour there last year as well, this new
• 1:28:32
  prison, and of the work that they're doing to
• 1:28:35
  do that. And I hear the impact that you had.
• 1:28:38
  Yeah, that prison, though, the new prison, no
• 1:28:41
  one's breaking out of that prison. Oh, no. Dude,
• 1:28:43
  I thought I wasn't coming out. Dude, I got claustrophobic.
• 1:28:46
  I was like, this is a lockdown facility, man.
• 1:28:50
  There is no one. coming out of here like they're
• 1:28:52
  not going to escape from this place that's what
• 1:28:54
  i felt but yeah um no i yeah it was it was an
• 1:28:57
  amazing experience and it goes with you know
• 1:29:00
  what psychology tells us um what you believe
• 1:29:03
  is the way you behave 95 of the time so whatever
• 1:29:07
  the beliefs you have about yourself that's how
• 1:29:10
  you show up in life so if we're telling these
• 1:29:12
  guys and girls they're criminals and that's their
• 1:29:16
  identity no wonder it's a revolving door they
• 1:29:19
  leave there well i'm a criminal anyway so what
• 1:29:20
  are they do they go do a criminal act but if
• 1:29:24
  they start going no i'm not a criminal guess
• 1:29:26
  what behavior starts to change the behavior changes
• 1:29:29
  because they change the belief about themselves
• 1:29:32
  yeah that fascinating that is that's why i love
• 1:29:36
  doing the work i do is helping people unravel
• 1:29:39
  their belief system that is holding them back
• 1:29:41
  yeah right that's so good and that's the magic
• 1:29:45
  carpet ride right there that is that is Thank
• 1:29:48
  you so much for sharing that. Let me go on that
• 1:29:50
  detour. Yeah, no, thanks for asking. I needed
• 1:29:52
  to have our audience hear that. No, thank you.
• 1:29:54
  Because I think it's so impactful. I think it's
• 1:29:56
  so important. Thank you so much. Okay, we'll
• 1:29:58
  come back to our rapid fire now. Okay. You ready
• 1:29:59
  for this? Oh, boy. I know. Here we go. Here we
• 1:30:01
  go. Favorite Disney movie? Wow. I think it's
• 1:30:06
  Spider -Man. Oh, man. Which one? There's so many,
• 1:30:10
  but even the most current one that just came
• 1:30:12
  out, wow, it is amazing. Like, just so well done.
• 1:30:16
  It's tough. You know, Tobey Maguire's amazing
• 1:30:18
  Spider -Man. I mean, it's a tough one. Andrew
• 1:30:21
  Garfield was really good at it. They're all good.
• 1:30:23
  I like, if I could pick one, I would watch all
• 1:30:26
  the Spider -Mans for sure. Yeah, Spider -Man's
• 1:30:28
  a great character. Oh, so good. He goes through
• 1:30:30
  so many struggles himself. Absolutely. you know
• 1:30:33
  when he's not being spider -man he's going through
• 1:30:35
  the struggle of who am i and i'm not good enough
• 1:30:37
  i'm a you know i'm kind of a nerd i'm i don't
• 1:30:40
  fit in i mean i can relate and maybe that's why
• 1:30:42
  i like it so much because i can kind of relate
• 1:30:44
  with going through that process and in the newest
• 1:30:47
  movie it was so much of that of like him going
• 1:30:50
  through that struggle of who he really was and
• 1:30:52
  what he was supposed to do and ultimately was
• 1:30:56
  connection yes with the people that he loved
• 1:30:59
  yeah Which is what helped him overcome. Absolutely.
• 1:31:02
  Yeah, that's a good point. Oh, that's such a
• 1:31:03
  good movie. Okay, favorite Disney song. There's
• 1:31:08
  so many, Todd. There's so many. Oh, man. I don't
• 1:31:14
  even know how to answer that one. I don't even
• 1:31:16
  know. Because there's so many, I've forgotten
• 1:31:19
  probably most of them, to be honest. God. Favorite
• 1:31:24
  Disney song. I don't know. I'll stick with Prince
• 1:31:31
  Ali. Okay. There you go. Yeah. I mean, that's
• 1:31:33
  a good one. And again, it's tattooed on my brain
• 1:31:36
  because I watch that so much with my children.
• 1:31:38
  Yeah. I'm sure. Yeah. Terrific one. How about
• 1:31:41
  this? Favorite Disney princess? Wow. You're asking
• 1:31:47
  some tough ones. Probably Cinderella. Yeah. Classic.
• 1:31:50
  Yep. That's a classic. I grew up with that. Yeah.
• 1:31:54
  Really powerful story. Again, someone who was
• 1:31:56
  pushed aside, looked down upon as a no good nobody.
• 1:32:00
  Yeah. And yeah. Told she wasn't good enough.
• 1:32:02
  Exactly. Had to believe that she wasn't good
• 1:32:04
  enough. Yeah. And then the fairy godmother helps
• 1:32:06
  her see who she really is. Who she really is.
• 1:32:08
  Exactly. Yeah. So good. That's such a good answer.
• 1:32:11
  Favorite ride at Disneyland? Yes. Space Mountain.
• 1:32:16
  Oh, yeah. Space Mountain. And then I was going
• 1:32:20
  to say something else, but it's in California
• 1:32:21
  Adventure. But yeah. disney ride space mountain
• 1:32:25
  give me california adventure oh uh the uh they
• 1:32:29
  changed the name guardians of the galaxy guardians
• 1:32:30
  of the galaxy yes that is my favorite i could
• 1:32:33
  do that over and over again but space mountain
• 1:32:35
  it's a classic i rode on it when i was in high
• 1:32:38
  school even junior high and to this day that's
• 1:32:41
  my that's the first ride i run to yeah and by
• 1:32:44
  the way i'm running think of this you're running
• 1:32:46
  yeah i'm running i'm the i'm the dork who is
• 1:32:50
  running down trying to get in line same yeah
• 1:32:52
  totally my kids are looking at me like what are
• 1:32:54
  you doing i'm like let's go we love the road
• 1:32:56
  there's a 10 minute wait let's go yeah we love
• 1:32:58
  to rope drop we'd love to get to the first we
• 1:33:00
  always have to kind of debate about which ones
• 1:33:03
  to go to my daughter love my 10 year old love
• 1:33:05
  space mountain yeah so she wants to be like don't
• 1:33:08
  let's go to space now let's go to space mountain
• 1:33:09
  my other daughter who's six it's usually like
• 1:33:11
  peter pan yeah one of those rides we're always
• 1:33:13
  kind of like when we go to but oh We love rope
• 1:33:16
  dropping. Disney character you'd hire as your
• 1:33:21
  own life coach. This one's digging deep. I don't
• 1:33:24
  know that there's good answers here. I just was
• 1:33:26
  thinking, like, is there a good guide in any
• 1:33:28
  of these Disney movies that you would really
• 1:33:30
  love? Well, maybe the genie. The genie would
• 1:33:33
  be fun. I mean, it would be fun and exciting,
• 1:33:36
  and it would give me what I want, I guess. Yeah.
• 1:33:40
  yeah that's a good one i yeah i'd probably have
• 1:33:42
  to go with the genie how about which disney villain
• 1:33:45
  you would like to coach i think you could coach
• 1:33:50
  ursula myself ursula would be good god there's
• 1:33:54
  i'm trying to think of the one that's on my mind
• 1:33:56
  i can't think of the name though yeah ursula
• 1:33:59
  would be good because i think ursula believes
• 1:34:00
  about herself that she's just this bad person
• 1:34:03
  yeah right um when in reality she didn't i mean
• 1:34:07
  she's got some magic obviously she can do she
• 1:34:09
  could have used that for good yeah uh but she
• 1:34:11
  believed you know this lie that she's this horrible
• 1:34:14
  person and needs to do wonderful things and needs
• 1:34:15
  some slave people right yeah obviously dealing
• 1:34:18
  with some kind of child trauma for her for sure
• 1:34:20
  no for sure she would be a good one she'd be
• 1:34:22
  a challenge too oh man yeah it'd be very challenging
• 1:34:25
  challenge because she's a little manipulative
• 1:34:27
  right she might tell you what you want to hear
• 1:34:28
  at your turn of culture oh yeah yeah yeah it's
• 1:34:31
  totally true no um Okay, here's the last one
• 1:34:34
  of the rapid fire, which is not so rapid fire.
• 1:34:37
  Just kind of whatever you think. But how are
• 1:34:39
  you saying yes and in your life right now? Boy.
• 1:34:48
  I'm probably saying yes to that life is fantastic
• 1:34:54
  and it's challenging. That's a good one. Because
• 1:34:59
  I do. I really am. I think life is most of the
• 1:35:04
  time really fantastic. I do. And I don't say
• 1:35:08
  that like, I know there's a lot of pain in the
• 1:35:10
  world. I've been through a lot of pain. My life
• 1:35:12
  isn't perfect either. And that's the end part.
• 1:35:14
  And I still have my struggles. Yeah. You know,
• 1:35:17
  even though I speak on stage, I do my own podcast,
• 1:35:21
  I'm sitting here with you and I do all these
• 1:35:22
  things that I'm saying, some probably, hopefully
• 1:35:24
  some cool things for your listeners and things
• 1:35:26
  that will help them. I still have my battles.
• 1:35:28
  I still, You know, I wake up some days going,
• 1:35:31
  man, can I do this? I wake up sometimes going,
• 1:35:34
  man, this is going to be a tough day for some
• 1:35:36
  reason. So, yeah, life is fantastic and it's
• 1:35:40
  challenging. And I have my challenges. Yeah,
• 1:35:44
  I think that's a really good one. Yeah. I really
• 1:35:46
  appreciate that answer because, you know, sometimes
• 1:35:48
  it is easy for people to see someone who's doing
• 1:35:51
  some amazing things like you are and think, oh,
• 1:35:53
  he's got it all figured out. It's 100 % joy and
• 1:35:56
  happiness all the time. and that's just not real
• 1:35:59
  life yeah right we have challenges we have struggles
• 1:36:02
  and we will continue to yeah and we could still
• 1:36:05
  recognize the great things and be optimistic
• 1:36:07
  and yeah uh be positive about what life has yeah
• 1:36:11
  yeah it's a great answer okay so todd what we'd
• 1:36:14
  like to end with is three actionable takeaways
• 1:36:17
  something that somebody could put into effect
• 1:36:18
  in their life today or this week, what would
• 1:36:22
  be your recommended three actionable takeaways?
• 1:36:25
  Yes. So I would write down one negative thing
• 1:36:28
  you tell you about yourself, put it on paper
• 1:36:30
  so you can see it, put whatever's at the top
• 1:36:32
  of that list. What is the number one negative
• 1:36:34
  thing you're wrestling with right now? Okay.
• 1:36:37
  That'd be the first thing. Second thing, then
• 1:36:39
  flip it. So if I put down, I'm stupid over, if
• 1:36:43
  I flip this, I'm going to put, I taught him brilliant.
• 1:36:46
  So I'm going to challenge you guys to do that.
• 1:36:48
  Flip that name and then create a power statement
• 1:36:52
  around that new narrative, right? So for instance,
• 1:36:56
  it could be something like, you know, I, Todd,
• 1:36:59
  am brilliant, but I'm also powerful, resilient,
• 1:37:02
  and kind. And I'm going to tattoo that onto my
• 1:37:06
  brain. So our brains aren't wired for happiness
• 1:37:09
  or sadness. It's wired for repetition. And repetition
• 1:37:12
  is how we create a new neural pathway. So the
• 1:37:16
  actual item is write down the negative, flip
• 1:37:20
  it, add the positive, and then create a statement
• 1:37:23
  around that. And then memorize that, but not
• 1:37:26
  just memorize it. Understand what it truly means
• 1:37:29
  as who you really are. And say this and repeat
• 1:37:33
  it over and over and over. And there's this beautiful
• 1:37:36
  thing called the 2190 rule. It takes 21 days
• 1:37:39
  to create a habit, 90 days to create a lifestyle.
• 1:37:42
  What that 90 day does is it takes your anything
• 1:37:45
  in your short term memory, puts it into your
• 1:37:47
  long term memory. So that statement will become
• 1:37:50
  kind of like your motto, your why, if you will.
• 1:37:54
  And you can tweak it and you can change it too.
• 1:37:56
  Once you get it dialed in, doesn't mean you can't
• 1:37:59
  go change it. If you do this for a minute and
• 1:38:00
  you want to change it up, change it up. But I'll
• 1:38:02
  tell you, I've done this in my own life and I
• 1:38:04
  still do. And it is, again, the story we tell
• 1:38:07
  ourselves is the most powerful force. And so
• 1:38:10
  we got to make sure what is that story that we're
• 1:38:12
  telling. And so this will help you create that.
• 1:38:15
  and it's a simple start it doesn't maybe fix
• 1:38:18
  everything for you in this moment but i'll tell
• 1:38:20
  you it's a good start in the right direction
• 1:38:22
  yeah and and if i could add something to that
• 1:38:25
  what i would say is don't not do this because
• 1:38:29
  you think it's woo -woo or because you think
• 1:38:32
  it's silly or you whatever like These types of
• 1:38:37
  things actually can. They can create the new
• 1:38:40
  neural pathways. They truly can make a difference
• 1:38:43
  in us seeing ourselves differently. They really,
• 1:38:46
  truly can. Yeah. You ask yourself, isn't it interesting?
• 1:38:50
  We can be comfortable beating ourselves up over
• 1:38:52
  and over and over and over again. But heaven
• 1:38:54
  forbid, we say something nice about ourselves.
• 1:38:56
  And again, a lot of people, because it makes
• 1:38:58
  us uncomfortable. Get uncomfortable. Yeah. Get
• 1:39:01
  in front of that mirror. Tell yourself this statement
• 1:39:03
  over and over again. Look at yourself as you're
• 1:39:05
  saying it. Get uncomfortable. Get comfortable
• 1:39:07
  with being uncomfortable. I'm telling you, it
• 1:39:09
  will change your life. I get it. You don't just
• 1:39:12
  gain confidence by shouting affirmations, but
• 1:39:15
  you gain it by building up a stack of evidence.
• 1:39:17
  So then that's the next thing is when you're
• 1:39:19
  saying these things at the end of the day, write
• 1:39:22
  down. Where's the evidence that I was this powerful,
• 1:39:24
  brilliant, kind human being? Where's the, where's
• 1:39:27
  the evidence? And if you can bullet point two
• 1:39:29
  or three things, that's the formation of the
• 1:39:31
  new belief system is that your brain can actually
• 1:39:34
  now see evidence. Cause we're also always looking
• 1:39:36
  for evidence. Always. We beat ourselves up. We
• 1:39:38
  see evidence all over the place. Oh yeah. Look,
• 1:39:40
  this is proof that I'm not a good person. There's
• 1:39:43
  proof there, too, of a good person. You just
• 1:39:44
  don't see it yet. So start writing down where's
• 1:39:47
  the proof. Start stacking that evidence. Stack
• 1:39:49
  the evidence, baby. Brilliant. I love it. Todd,
• 1:39:51
  thank you so much for being with us today. Thanks
• 1:39:53
  for having me. For sharing your story, being
• 1:39:55
  so vulnerable with us, helping us to see the
• 1:39:58
  path that you've lived and how you're inspiring
• 1:40:01
  so, so many people. What a joy. What a pleasure
• 1:40:05
  it was to visit with you. Thank you. Thank you,
• 1:40:07
  everybody, for joining us. And we hope you continue
• 1:40:10
  to say yes and in your life. Thanks. As you leave
• 1:40:14
  this conversation, remember that yes, the past
• 1:40:17
  can hurt and you can either run from it or you
• 1:40:20
  can learn from it. So here's to learning and
• 1:40:23
  finding joy in the journey. See you real soon.