Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / You Want To Leave But... Deciding Whether To Stay or Go

Transcript

You Want To Leave But... Deciding Whether To Stay or Go · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the podcast, finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to talk about how to know it's time to leave.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: How to know it's time to leave a long-term relationship, how to know it's time to leave a marriage.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, it's not simple, it's layered, it's nuanced, it's all the things, right?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So this is not a simple, easy, quick fix, one tick-the-box answer.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm going to talk through a few things to help you make the decision whether to stay or leave.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, in my work with clients, I see two ways that people navigate this space of being in the should I stay, should I go?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: Is this relationship over?
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: How do I know?
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: How do I make the decision?
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And one way of sitting in this space is full-on decision paralysis.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: Turning circles on the spot, lying awake at night, churning over the same questions and running scenarios over and over and over, asking the same questions, just stuck and unable to see a way, any way forward.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: And the other way I see clients handle this indecision, the difficulty of indecision, is just to jump to the end, to make a decision, any decision, just to be out of the pain of sitting in uncertainty, of sitting in the indecision.
• 2:34
  SPEAKER_00: To try, they jump to the end to try and create certainty and safety and knowing without having perhaps considered some of the layers, some of the nuance, some of the complexities, and allowing the time to move through it as a process.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this jumping to the end can often isn't always, but can often be a slippery slope to a somewhat higher conflict or higher emotional, higher emotion separation or divorce because it can lead to shock announcements, things done and said in haste without consideration.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_00: And it is it is a fear response.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's like get me out of this uncertainty.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: I just need to know I'm gonna cut it.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm done.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So this episode will lead you through some things to consider when you're asking the hard questions or trying to make a decision about your relationship or your marriage.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: And the first is that rather than jumping to the end, rather than making a decision, any decision, just to be out of the uncertainty, just to be out of the discomfort of not being able to make a decision, allow the time, allow the process to take the time, allow it to be a process.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: I said in a recent episode that there's no one right answer, there's no one right pathway through this indecision, through this awful, uncomfortable, uncertain space.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: So do allow yourself the time to explore your options and unravel things and pull it apart and look at it from all sorts of different angles.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: But also on the flip side, while you're doing that, while you're allowing time, don't allow yourself to just sit in that paralysis of indecision without affecting at least some change, without committing to some kind of action, without taking steps to also move yourself forward, without doing the work to unravel and unpack and unpick it, without perhaps doing or trying or committing or exploring to something that is different to where you are right now.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: The next thing I want you to consider is that relationships and marriages are organic, they're not static, they don't stay the same because the individuals within the relationship don't stay the same.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: The individuals and therefore the relationship will morph and change and grow and evolve over time.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: So if you feel like your relationship doesn't fit you anymore or you don't fit into it, it's time to reassess your values.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's an invitation to reassess what's most important to you.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want your relationship to look and to feel?
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want it to function?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want to show up in your relationship?
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: And does it feel challenging because it has changed or because you have changed and you no longer fit into an older version of the relationship?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships do require tending and they do require work.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: So I also want you to ask yourself: do I want to leave because being in relationship is hard work?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: Do I want to leave because it's hard?
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do I want to leave because it's hard work and it's requiring me to stretch and grow and change and meet this other person who is also stretching and growing and changing?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Do I want to leave because it's hard and it's asking me to do things that feel scary or uncomfortable?
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: And now I'm not talking about unsafe.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about abusive relationships here.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just nudging at do I want to leave this because I have to do work.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I have to face some realities about myself, about my capacity, about my willingness, about being in relationship, what being in relationship means, because it actually means being vulnerable.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: It actually means that I'm opening myself up.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_00: It actually means I'm opening up to someone else's hopes and dreams and ideas, also to their shadows and their wounds, but my shadows are coming up too, and my wounds are being poked, and all of that feels activating and challenging, and it asks me to address my and heal my own wounds and share my own shadow, and that feels hard.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: So do I want to leave because all of this activates and challenges me and it feels hard and uncomfortable?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or does being in this relationship with this person at this point in my life actually no longer align with my core values, with my beliefs?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Does it no longer meet my needs?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it never did, but does is it a relationship that is not and does not have capacity to meet my needs?
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Does it not have space for my vision, for my dreams and hopes and goals for life?
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: Does being in this particular relationship with this particular person at this point in my life feel safe to me, emotionally safe?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I'm not talking about abusive relationships, although if you don't feel safe in your relationship, I want you to please take the steps to safely leave, to extricate yourself and bring yourself to a place where you do feel safe, where you are safe.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm talking about here is asking yourself, does being in this relationship feel safe?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Is it safe for me to show up as all of me in this relationship?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: Is it emotionally safe and secure for me, or is it actually activating and triggering and not okay for me to show up as all of myself?
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: Is it activating and triggering more than it's not?
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if it does feel safe for you, does the safety of this relationship feel like a really good, healthy version of safety?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I just settling for something less than what I really want for myself because it feels familiar and therefore it feels safe?
• 9:08
  SPEAKER_00: Familiarity feels safe, but is it actually what I want for myself?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Does this relationship hold a space for me to create what I want for myself and my life?
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_00: Is there also an element of freedom and an element of agency contained within the safety?
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: Are you free to choose?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have agency?
• 9:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or does the safety of this relationship feel a little bit more like a cage?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Are you sacrificing yourself for that feeling of safety, for security, for certainty when actually you really want something more?
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: Does this relationship have we created a relationship that provides a safety net, a safe space, a safe haven for both of us to bring and be all of who we are?
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_00: The light, the shadow, the good, the bad, the ugly.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: Is it safe?
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a safe space for both of us to show up as all of who we are?
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Is it a safe space to work through my triggers, my wounds, to be vulnerable and work towards a healed vision that we share?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: And is this relationship one where I can see possibility, where I can see future growth, where I can see expansion, where I can see deepening of our connection?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Can I see a path forwards, a future in this relationship that still allows me to grow and expand and become more than who and what I am right now?
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: Or do I actually see myself?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Do I see us repeating patterns, engage engaging in behaviors that actually hold me back from what I most want for myself?
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: And you could flip that question to include your partner too.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: Are you engaging in patterns and behaviors that hold you both back from what you really most want for yourself?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: That maybe thwart and hold you back from your own growth, each of your individual growth.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_00: I also challenge you to ask yourself the hard question of how is it that I am contributing to that pattern?
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: How is it I am contributing to the pattern of the relationship, to the dance we dance in this relationship?
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_00: How am I contributing to the dynamic of this relationship?
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: And is that how I really want to show up for myself, for my relationship?
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: So, what's my role in this relationship, in the relationship dynamic that we've created?
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: How am I contributing to that relationship dynamic?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: And is that something I'm comfortable with, something I'm happy with, or something I really want to change?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And if it's something you want to change or it's something that you're not 100% comfortable with, how would changing the way I show up in this relationship change the relationship?
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: How would me acknowledging my contribution, shifting or changing that, change the relationship?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_00: And is that something I'm willing and have capacity to do?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Is that something, is the change that it would affect or that you predict it will affect, is that something that you are seeking?
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: Is that something that you want?
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: What's my contribution?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: How can I show up differently?
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_00: Am I willing and do I have capacity to do that?
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: How can I engage differently?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: Redefine my role or contribution to the pattern of this relationship, and how would that change it?
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Is the change that that would create something I'm hoping for?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: Something I want to see.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships and marriages do require tending and work.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: There's no doubt.
• 13:00
  SPEAKER_00: But there's work and there's work.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's work that's hard and that shows up to be done all of the time without change or expansion or shift.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the healthy work of healing together, moving towards that shared vision I talked about, committing to healing yourselves, your wounds, committing to soothing your nervous system, dialing down your activations, and committing to making meaningful connection, to shared intimacy and healing from rupture, moving through conflict.
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_00: There's all of that.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's healthy work that enables you to thrive and grow as individuals and enables and empowers your relationship to thrive and to grow.
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: And then there's the slog, the hard work that shows up again and again where nothing shifts or changes, and where the work is just that.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's just hard.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's hard work with little reward, and potentially only one of you is doing the work.
• 13:55
  SPEAKER_00: So it's really important to reflect and understand and appreciate the difference in the type of work you're doing on your relationship and commit to the right kind of healing work.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_00: And also, as always, if you've been here a while, you know that I'm big on listening.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: Really listening to your own answers, to the questions that I've asked you in this episode, to the questions you're asking yourself.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to your inner voice, listen to your inner knowing.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Tune into your voice, listen to your body, tune into your own knowing and your own answers to these questions.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: Because I believe you already have the answers.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_00: We just need to unravel and unpack it so you can hear your own answers under all the noise of expectation and conditioning.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: Really be able to feel into your voice, to hear yourself about which kind of relationship or relational work you're really doing here.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is it the hard slog when nothing's shifting, nothing's changing?
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it the hard but healthy work to create change and to build a relationship that enables you to show up as the best version of yourself, that sees and holds space for you to grow and dream and become exactly who you want to be.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_00: And once you've listened, then you need to have the courage to do.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_00: You need to have the courage to take action and do what you most want and need to do, whether that stay or leave.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: And if you want support to do that in a really safe space, I invite you to jump on a call with me.
• 15:40
  SPEAKER_00: Let's talk about how coaching can support you to do that.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_00: But if this is all you've needed, thank you for being here.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: I would love for you to rate and review the podcast so we can get it into the ears of a whole lot more people who might find it valuable and helpful.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: Share it with someone that you know is asking the hard questions of your relate of their relationship.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, thank you so much for being here.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next month for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberation.
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.