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Rabbi Moshe Haber Orchot Yashar: Letting Go of Anger 6.14.26 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  Half and development in a person to be play craft to keep what I
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  am come whatever rabbi come whatever parents meet success
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  and different things. Now he says the last one was
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  discussed last week, which was half a cost, which is anger and
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  keep a dog keep it that being someone who's difficult someone
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  was particular someone who's a little bit, you know, gets upset
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  easily. So he brings them to my mom says
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  I'm the alpha of the colony thought yes, even though
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  typically when it comes to character traits, the rulers go
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  with the middle of the road. That's true in general when it
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  comes to cost and it comes to anger other extreme of our cost
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  Meda and I it's inherently a bad Meda out of them all very bad.
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  But I will Adam she the person should go the opposite extreme
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  and you know the character trait you should have somewhere down
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  the middle when it comes to anger.
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  You should be 100% pole opposite of anger.
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  And then you have to train yourself, he says figure out
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  ways to train yourself to not get angry.
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  And what does that mean? That means you need to create a
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  wiring and a mechanism. But someone realizes that they
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  have a flaw, that they have something that they're prone to
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  do. The system is you have to be
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  able to undo it. The only way to undo it is to
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  create a new wiring. A new wiring means you set
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  yourself up a plan. You know, whenever, whenever we
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  get angry, we're not happy about getting angry.
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  That's a sure. And after the fact, we're upset
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  about it. So what's going to stop the next
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  time? What's going to stop the next
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  time is, is if you have some sort of system or a plan how to
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  handle it. Typically that plan means a
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  mechanism, meaning if someone says something to you that gets
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  you upset, you have a weight sale.
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  Wait a second. I pause.
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  I ignore them. I don't consider that words
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  worth anything. I give myself a second to think.
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  I call someone to discuss it, whatever may be come with some
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  system to slow it down. And it's hard to tell you.
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  We need to train. When it comes to anger
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  specifically, you need to call up a new plan so you don't
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  repeat the same mistake. Yes, of course none of us like
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  that mistake. And of course, none of us are
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  proud of it. But that's not enough because I
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  won't start the next time or stops the next time with these
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  things. There's a different way toward
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  the finish line that's needed when it comes to anger.
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  And he says I'll feel about Davosha.
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  And the big thing with anger is because it's a negative topic
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  and it's a problematic 1, even if you have an excuse.
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  And often times people do have excuses to get angry.
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  Even if you have excuses, you still don't get angry.
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  I noticed something and that is a certain people who are often
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  angry. It's one thing you tell them you
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  try working them or they try working themselves not to be
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  angry. But then there's a lot of times
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  and then they get angry and it seems like it seems valid, seems
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  like it makes sense. And you forget exactly like
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  what's wrong with what they're doing.
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  They have right for this, They have right for this reaction.
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  And then you think of yourself, that's true, 1000% true.
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  But if you would look at another person who never gets angry,
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  you'd find that a lot of scenarios that could be triggers
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  don't happen for that other soft person.
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  That's an easy person. Which means anger is not just an
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  open child case. Should they do it?
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  Should not do it. And then all the cases where
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  they have a person's right to get angry.
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  You know what? His right to get angry.
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  Nothing to say about that one. Yeah, we're going to talk to him
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  off the ledge. When it comes to the crazy ones,
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  we're going to talk to him the ledge when he's overdoing it.
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  But the ones that make sense, Hey, they didn't invite him.
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  Hey, they insulted him. Wow.
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  They ignored him, someone made him look bad, all those things.
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  Class is a case where as a right to get angry, you have nothing
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  to say there. But you realize that someone who
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  thinks differently, someone who thinks that anger is a problem
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  and realizes and lives his life without that me, that that
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  person will have multiple examples in his own life.
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  Millions on his own life where he had a chance to get angry and
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  he didn't. And it's not just should you or
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  shouldn't you? Is it fair or is it valid or not
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  valid? Even in cases where it's valid
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  to get angry, you have to tell yourself it may be valid and
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  might be right. It might be technically in my
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  mind fair that I'm getting angry now.
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  That does not make a difference. If I were a person that held an
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  anger is a bad thing. I want to respond these cases as
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  well. I would say to myself, I'm going
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  to be that guy who is going to ignore all those triggers and
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  you're a whole totally different person.
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  And when you end up become, and it's the beauty of it, easier
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  person to be around because there's someone who's often
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  anger, no matter what, there's always something.
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  And even if you know, you only scale it down to the valid
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  excuses, there's a lot of valid excuses to get angry.
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  Also it could be anything driving, talking, buy a meal in
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  a shul, in office, anything in life can get people angry and
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  they can be valid as juices. Not the even valid crazy ones.
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  Valid right? You walk in front of a person
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  and they're just let's say non Jew in the city and you're not
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  sure what you did wrong. And they they they yell at you
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  because you cut them all for you bumped into them, all those
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  things and you just get tense and they have a right to get
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  upset with you technically speaking as you bumped into
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  them. But if they're not angry people
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  and they're not that way, they just move on and it just goes on
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  and life just moves on as normal.
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  And then it turns out all those valid excuses as well are also
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  nothing. A person could be living life
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  with a mating triggers, valid triggers, or they could be
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  living life easy. And what happens is the people
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  around you don't have to worry about you as much.
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  People around you don't have to be conscious of you as much in a
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  serious way, in a tense way. And over time you become the
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  person that they wish they had around.
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  Whereas the other option, sadly, as the kind of person you don't
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  want to have around because it's very hard to deal with.
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  It's hard to be uptight all the time and it's hard to be on
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  your, you know, best behavior all the time.
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  You know it is with someone scary in the room the same thing
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  as you. As someone who's often angry in
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  the room, it's the exact same thing.
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  They put you in a tense state and everything changes.
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  Whereas if you're easy and you start to get rid of the invalid
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  anger or even the valid anger, you become a person who's
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  comfortable to be around. That doesn't mean you're a
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  person that they run over. The reality is over time, even
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  though you don't get angry and you don't react, you don't
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  respond, which in America is called a pushover.
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  No, no, no. When you become actually is a
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  more likable person and people don't realize this all the time,
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  you get your way way more often than the guy who gets angry.
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  The guy who gets angry is controlling the show.
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  He's making a tense room and he's getting his outcome.
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  Technically speaking, maybe he'll get served 1st and I'll
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  get responded to 1st and people will make sure to greet him
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  first and all that. But that's all in a tense state.
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  That's not what they want to do and therefore if they can get
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  around it, they would. And if he lost any level of
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  prestige, they would have now ignore him.
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  And if his wealth went down, his name went down or whatever,
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  maybe you went down, he's nothing.
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  Because when you're controlling the show through your reaction
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  and through your tent state, you're controlling the show.
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  What happens is you create an image that people have to play
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  into, but the moment your control goes out the window
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  because people don't care about your control, whether because
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  the person is considered a crazy person or because he doesn't
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  have the wealth he used to have all that stuff.
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  Now all of a sudden, nothing doing, no one's recognizing
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  whereas or as a regular person who's just easy, then people are
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  good to him regardless of any other stature because of the
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  fact that it's not about the state that he controlled.
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  It's rather about the state that you as a people want to treat
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  him with. That's how it depends on, say,
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  if a person is someone who's often angry, they can originally
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  be a person who controls the room.
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  Eventually they're a person who loses the room.
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  Whereas you're a person is always easy, then from the
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  beginning the room likes you and the room is good with you.
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  What about the fact that once in a while you need to get angry?
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  Whatever. Like any angry on principle.
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  Good. Can I tell?
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  You one thing for me firstly, I'm not afraid to share with
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  everyone if somebody cheats or is dishonest or takes advantage
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  like scams, you how could you not get angry Good.
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  It goes against like your your your core.
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  You go do that. How could somebody steal?
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  You're very hurt. Steal from you or steal in
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  general? He's talking about from me,
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  somebody ripped you over, OK. I mean, it's your question and
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  you're right to a degree, I think, which means if it's about
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  principle, then it should be the exact same perspective whether
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  it was to you or it's somebody else, other people too.
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  Other people, OK. So then then it's playing
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  principle fine if you if it's the same reaction, you and
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  someone else and it's playing principle.
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  And then the goal should be you don't hold to the person.
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  It's not anger, sorry. You don't hold to the person,
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  you don't agree with him. You maybe even tell us the
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  people keep away from him. You tell them off or that's
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  fine, but your own burning Med, that's something else.
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  That's a question mark. And there will only be doable if
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  you're doing it for the sake of other people's honor or you say
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  for the sake of a Shem's honor, stuff like that.
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  You're upset now again, you have to blend it.
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  Sometimes we get angry in those situations.
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  How does this guy get to live with it?
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  How is it fair that the community looks like I'm a
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  decent guy and he's cheating people?
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  That's already now moving over to a different zone and that's
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  already your own personal. I can't believe I'm a regular
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  guy and this guy's a big deal and he's nobody and stuff like
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  that. And I can't believe he's able to
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  marry over his kids and normally and people impressed by him and
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  they give him an all the and he doesn't serve anything into
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  that's right now you're blending on.
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  I don't really like the fact that he's more than me and stuff
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  like that. That's already personal.
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  Leave that out plain principle. You absolutely have a right to
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  say about him at times and not hold of him.
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  Tell your family to keep away all that stuff and even to yell.
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  Tell him off. But the personal anger usually
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  comes, if you look at it closely, usually comes from a
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  certain inborn feeling and you have which is it's not really
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  fair and proper what's going on in the world.
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  Compare that to me type. That's already anger.
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  That's already his story on principle.
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  Talk about him to tell him off to put him down.
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  That's something that's definitely doable if it's the
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  right thing. Did it personally.
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  Have to do let's say somebody would eat she.
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  Did you? Yeah.
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  Yeah. Christian, the anger is coming
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  from the fact that you got wronged.
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  Fine, you're entitled to be upset.
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  I'm not trying to make you into it.
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  You know he thought to be upset, but the extra feeling is plain
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  anger. It's not a principle.
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  It's not a principle. Principle is the fact that
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  you're upset at him that be that he shouldn't he shouldn't exist
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  in that state. Your own feeling is something
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  that's personal and that's not that that's already going beyond
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  principle. You have a right to have
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  principle, but the emotion that you're talking about is separate
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  and it's not not loved off go Good thing.
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  Somebody does cheat you, so you you're about to be angry about
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  the principle, but not about the fact that you got wrong. 100%,
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  that's the idea. Now that's a high level, of
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  course a high level. But the guy, the guy didn't
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  wrong you bought L Hashem wrong you not in.
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  Right, right, right. The guy that's correct.
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  Exactly. Alan's right.
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  The perspective really we know is is that God was, won't be.
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  I was behind this. Listen, I'll tell you honest
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  truth. I had something I was dealing
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  with a little while ago and someone was frustrating me very
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  much and I had to like slowly let go, let go, let go as it
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  wasn't him, it was only Hashem. It was only Hashem and was it
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  was a challenge by it? Of course.
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  Was I upset by it? For sure.
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  Did I get upset every time I heard this person's name and
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  people making a big deal about him and the guys?
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  Am I Oz little bit of a fraud? Sure I was.
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  We have to figure out a way to handle that.
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  Your job in this type of area is to water it down, water it down,
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  water it down, and water down the personal aspects of it,
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  which means you retain, if we're going to keep the discipline,
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  you retain the disapproval state.
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  You retain the fact that you do not hold of him and you don't
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  believe what he's doing, and maybe you're not going to order
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  him the same way and you don't agree with the fact that people
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  are honoring, making a big deal about him.
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  All those perspectives are right, valid and proper.
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  It is proper, not the hold of certain people if they're not
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  good, it's actually the right thing to do.
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  It's not called anger. It's this is this is the proper
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  thought process. It's the right thing to do to
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  have some people on your list. And you say that's not a person
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  that we deal with. That's not a person that hold
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  up. That's not a person that want my
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  kids to marry. That's true.
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  It's the right thing. That's not anger.
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  That's opinion and that's perspective.
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  And that's a good person and a great person has that without
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  getting emotional at all. The emotion, it's personal.
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  If you can get emotional, it's not personal.
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  It's either defending yourself, defending your family member, or
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  defending God. That is fine.
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  But remember, if it's defending yourself, that's really anger.
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  If it's really anger, it's this problem.
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  That's not disable, that's defense, right?
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  I'll go job more than I shouldn't get angry.
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  A lot of friends with us, I shouldn't get angry.
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  I shouldn't get angry because it's defending God's honor and
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  we should have been or got angry and we know that that says he
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  forgot things when he got angry. Is there a place for anger?
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  It's a place for anger. Defending somebody's honor,
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  defending God's honor, defending your parents honor is a place
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  there for even that is few and far between and that has to be
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  completely pure. That doesn't mean that we're
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  going to be an Angel. I'm not trying to expect Angel
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  mentality, but it does mean that this to me does something you
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  want out of your system and you need to wait around it.
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  And the way around it is I've got a hold of them.
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  I don't agree with them. They shouldn't be in our
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  position. That's what I hold.
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  But at the same time, they're not going to control my emotions
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  and I'm going to not going to use my negative emotions as a
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  means to control the room. I'm going to leave my emotions
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  by the door When it comes to other people.
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  Is it difficult? Very.
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  Is it hard to come by? Absolutely is.
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  But at the same time, you become a person who is not a person.
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  Were you so disciplined at home? Was I disciplined personally at
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  home? It so happens to be, for
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  whatever reason, that I was very, very, very, very
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  infrequently disciplined. I just happened to be.
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  I'm the 7th kid and I there, they came between the cracks and
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  I was a goody goody, whatever it is.
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  I wasn't disciplined and my parents weren't the discipline
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  type. Do I hold the discipline?
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  Yeah. Is that anger?
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  No, discipline is not anger. Even when he brings down.
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  Of course, we know parents have to get upset at the children's
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  group and grandparents. Whatever.
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  A tear. Wow, huh.
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  You have to care, but you have to sketch.
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  In those scenarios. It brings down sketch to anger,
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  which means, and this is a real major thing, when a person, a
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  parent reacts to a child out of anger, that's a big problem.
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  When a parent reacts to a child and they display anger, but they
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  really come perfect. The perfect discipline.
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  The home is at times to display anger, but to be calm and sight.
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  When I've seen this and I've seen this close, close to me,
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  and that is when parents can upset their children and it
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  seems like it's a fight. There should never be a fight
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  between a parent and a child, even if it's through the means
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  of this. What I mean fight, you're not
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  equals. You're not equals.
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  You're on top, they're on bottom.
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  I don't care if if kids call their parents by their first
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  names in America. Doesn't make a difference.
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  I don't care if kids treat parents a certain way today.
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  You're not equals and therefore you should never be insulted by
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  your child. You're not equals.
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  You should never be personally upset by your little child.
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  You're not equals and never you shouldn't be have that anger.
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  That emotion shouldn't exist. You should be disappointed.
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  You should display discipline. You should display being at
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  times upset. But anger, As if I'm emotionally
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  upset because they hurt me. They're not your equal.
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  They're not on par with you. They're beneath you as a
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  different wavelength and different generation.
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  And when parents get angry and therefore insulted by their
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  children, and they give out the emotion that comes from insult,
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  that is the wrong emotion. A child should never feel the
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  emotion of having insulted their parents, even if they insult
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  their parents. Something happened to me a
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  couple days ago at my house. One of my kids said something
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  and I was literally for a second or more than a second, I was
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  insulted, insulted. And my wife told me she was
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  right. She says do not react.
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  I said, what do you mean if I don't react then I'm letting
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  this go and how can I let this go?
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  She says, I'm telling you right now, don't react right.
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  You have to be. You have to be disciplined, but
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  don't react. OK.
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  And trust me, I had to leave the class.
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  I didn't react. I walked out of the house and
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  fine, he got, they got their discipline.
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  At the end of the day, the discipline was very clear.
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  The discipline was way more than I would have given with that
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  reaction. But it was done without that
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  emotion. And that for me was difficult to
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  happen to be. I had to leave any house.
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  So it wasn't, you know, it would have been a disaster.
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  You run, you get upset, and then you run out his doors.
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  Fine, but technically speaking, she pulled the right move and it
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  was a far stronger discipline than I would have given in the
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  moment, and also far more effective.
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  I'm not saying it works every time, but I am saying the
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  emotion of anger is an emotion that should not be in our
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  system, but we can help ourselves instead.
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  You want to get upset at times. You can display discipline at
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  times. You can do all that.
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  You do not want to control the room through emotion because the
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  way the world works is the moment they don't need you, the
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  moment they don't care for that person and they get rid of that
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  person. Because the emotion that
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  controls the room is an emotion that's difficult to be around.
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  Whereas the one that is based on discipline and the mind and a
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  mature approach, that one is not emotion.
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  That's the mind and that is crazy by 5.
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  Stop with this.