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Wounds We Carry · Infinitely Precious

• 0:00
  Intro: Welcome to the Infinitely Precious Podcast produced by Infinitely Precious LLC. Your host is James Henry. Remember, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are.
• 0:12
  James: Hello, beloved. Here we are for another week, another opportunity to, share some thoughts with you. I have been aware recently, especially in my own life, of the wounds that I carry and the wounds of others around me that they carry. Part of my work is listening to people share with me stories and recognizing through empathy and outward signs when someone is struggling with something. It is probably true that all of us carry wounds that are unresolved in our lives that we don't know exactly what to do with.
• 1:04
  And so they can be the source of struggle for us. Sometimes the wounds we carry deep within, which seem to not be bothering us, come forth, whisper again into our lives triggered by something that we did not expect to bring it out. So, the truth is all of us carry these emotional, spiritual, relational wounds. Often they begin in childhood, ways that we learn to cope, where we feel inadequate, feel uncertain, feel judged, feel like the only way to fit in is to fit somebody else's boxes for us, meet needs that we feel we have that are unmet, losses, betrayals, moments when we felt unseen, unworthy. And those moments become part of a story, part of a story that we tell ourselves about who we are.
• 2:23
  And in some moments, the story that seems most prevalent is the story that tells us, that brings that wound to the fore. Because of that, it's hard. It's challenging. And sometimes the very reactions we see from people who are right in front of us, who seem to overreact from our perspective to us or to something we've said or to some perceived slight, it's not about us at all. It's really about their experiencing of something that makes them feel perhaps less than hurt, betrayed, or otherwise.
• 3:15
  This kind of woundedness shows up in our lives in self doubt, perfectionism, defensiveness, people pleasing, and a sense of isolation. Oftentimes, when people are overreacting, withdrawing, trying to control or fearing intimacy, that's a sign of a wound showing up from a story in the past. And we can't see it coming. You can't see it coming. I can't see it coming.
• 4:01
  Something happens and something primal within us, part of our self protective mechanisms, sets us off. It triggers the amygdala, that little walnut sized piece of the brain that we've talked about before, to put us into a fight flight freeze state. It makes us question ourselves and push back. I want to invite you to pay attention in your life when you see those triggering moments, when you see those wounds showing up, oftentimes it shows up in the body, the way our body reacts. We feel it in a kind of tightness.
• 5:02
  Maybe it s an anxiety that rises in us, racing thoughts, a sudden sense of shame about something long past that we didn't even know was still there and yet it rises. It reawakens that old story and we tell ourselves we're not worthy. We begin to doubt ourselves and we question. What I ve tried to do with the wounds of my own life, and I ve been thinking a lot about these for a long time, did more than ten years of therapy, spiritual direction, a lot of self reflection time spent with my journal, trying to be self aware enough to recognize the signs of what was rising up in me, You know, the pains and the wounds of my teenage self that carried over into pain of my 20s, often pain that I sadly inflicted on others rather than learned to deal with. It took a long time for me to discover the origins of the way I became defensive, the way my own self doubt led to robbing others of their own sense of self sometimes.
• 6:31
  All those pieces emerged. And when they emerged and I began to see them for what they were, I also discovered that those stories about myself became tools. You know, Henry Nouwen in a wonderful book, The Wounded Healer, it s a classic, maybe over quoted, especially in circles of clergy people that I know, including myself. But he said, Nobody escapes being wounded. We are all wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually.
• 7:09
  The main question is not how can we hide our wounds, but how can we put our woundedness in service to others? Healing is not about forgetting. It's about transforming the way we carry the pain within us. Instead of letting it push others away, it might become a tool for compassion when we see others who are struggling with their own wounds, who are trying to figure out how best to deal with them. We cannot deal with someone else's wounds for them.
• 7:54
  That's something that is hard for someone who likes to fix things. It's hard to take. It's a reality though that is exceptionally true. So instead of trying to fix someone, the best we can do is listen from a place of deep empathy, recognizing our own triggering points and recognizing that once we have faced those triggering points, the pain from our past, the parts of our story that make us feel ashamed about who we are and what we are that make us tell stories that say we're not worthy. Those stories aren't the story.
• 8:49
  They're a story from our past, and they're a story and a way of dealing with something that happened to us that we can reframe. What was done to us doesn't have to make us do those same things to someone else. In fact, it invites us to perhaps recognize what closes us down, what makes us tell those stories, what makes us want to tell those stories about ourselves, and instead be able to listen more deeply, to empathize more clearly, and to be fully present with the people who are in our lives, who are passing through our lives. It is not easy. When we have developed these stories, these stories of the wounds that have happened to us, and we let those wounds tell us who we are and what our value is, as opposed to recognize that the wounds have happened.
• 10:07
  We have survived the wound. And there are ways forward to bring healing not only to our own wounds but how that woundedness can become a tool for us once we've found a way to healing for ourselves, to help others. Now, sometimes one of the things that is true is we can t help someone else. We can listen. We can encourage.
• 10:41
  We can talk about practices that may help cope with, you know, for instance, when you begin to feel the tightness, when you begin to feel the anxiety rising, when you begin to see that story, hear that story almost be narrated in your own mind about why you are less than, when you hear that story, you can take a step back. Catch your breath and slow yourself down. I don't know about you, but when I feel those moments of pain, those stories rising up inside of me, what ends up happening is I can feel the adrenaline flow. I can feel the tightness. I can feel the desire to fight or to run away or to freeze.
• 11:41
  And instead of telling myself the negative story, as I catch my breath and slow myself down, I work at trying to tell myself a different, I speak to myself in a different way, more gentle in my self talk. We made it through that wound. Yes, we still carry the scar. It is within us and sometimes it seems to fester and open again. But we survived.
• 12:16
  Here we are. I'm not the person. I'm not the woundedness. I have wounds, but I am not the woundedness itself. I can move beyond.
• 12:30
  I have found the journal, you know, I talk about journal all the time in the Infinitely Precious podcast, but I have found the journal to be a tool where I can work through all the feelings that are rising, all of the ways that my body feels it. Can look on the paper and see the words and begin to see the patterns appear. And I can watch them appear again and again. Sometimes I just sit in silence when I feel those things rising. Breathing, paying attention to the breath, sinking into that silent moment just for a moment and finding a deeper peace that is within.
• 13:18
  Prayer is a tool that you can use when you let out that woundedness, You speak it to the divine. Sometimes you find community, maybe a support group to help you with your woundedness and that support group helps you move through. I have found spiritual direction has been helpful to me as I recount the stories and hear the stories aloud, have questions asked about the story and then rethink them. All of those are possibilities. Think about your wounds this way.
• 14:03
  I m trying to think about mine this way. What if the wound you carry is not a flaw to be fixed, but an opening through which love can flow. Not pain, not perpetuating the pain and the woundedness, but what if it's an opening through which love can flow? Hold those tender wounded parts of yourself with a kind of gentleness. Be gentle with yourself.
• 14:35
  Also be gentle with others. Recognize that you are always spending time with people and that every person you meet has got a wound of some kind they're carrying it too. May you see your scars in life as sacred, proof not only that you have been hurt, but that you are also finding healing. And above all else, remember this, you are infinitely precious and unconditionally loved for the gift you already are. Thanks for joining me on the podcast today.
• 15:15
  I hope that you join me again and if this was helpful to you that you share this with others. Until the next time.