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Giving Your Teen More Freedom (And When to Step In) · IMPACT: Parenting with Perspective

• 0:00
  Speaker: I'm Ben Pugh, and you're listening to Impact: Parenting with Perspective.
• 0:06
  Speaker: This podcast is all about helping parents manage the mental and emotional drama that comes with parenting teens so they can focus on what's most important, building rock-solid relationships and having a powerful impact on their teen's life.
• 0:23
  Speaker: Join me each week as I dive into real tools to help you and your teen turn struggles into strengths
• 0:32
  I recently surveyed a bunch of parents on my email list, and I asked,"What is it that you want the most help with when it comes to raising your teenager?" And one mom asked a question that I think almost every parent of a teenager has wondered at least once.
• 0:50
  She basically asked,"When do I put my foot down, and when do I let him make his own decisions?" And dang, I thought that was a perfect question.
• 1:00
  Isn't that parenting teens?
• 1:02
  Like, when do I step in?
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  When do I back off?
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  When do I let him fail?
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  When do I protect him?
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  When do I say,"Hey, this is your life.
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  You decide"?
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  And when do I say,"No, I'm the parent.
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  I'm not gonna let this happen"?
• 1:18
  And I want to start by telling you something that I actually think might make this a little harder before it makes it easier.
• 1:27
  The truth is, I can't give you the answer.
• 1:31
  There isn't a parenting chart that says,"At age 14, let him make this decision, and at 16, take this one away, and at 17, you have to let him do this." Your teenager is different from mine.
• 1:45
  Your family is different from mine.
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  Your values are different from mine.
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  And honestly, even two kids living in the exact same house are going to need different amounts of freedom and responsibility at the exact same age.
• 2:03
  So today, I'm not going to give you a bunch of rules and a checklist.
• 2:10
  Instead, I wanna give you a few guidelines that can help you figure out where you stand, where your line is in the sand because ultimately, you're the one who has to decide,"When do I hold the line, and when do I get out of the way and let my teenager learn?" And there's one mistake I see parents make when their kids are younger that can make this decision a whole lot harder when their teen gets older, and we'll talk about that first.
• 2:44
  One of the biggest things, you want to let your teen learn when the stakes are low.
• 2:51
  Teenagers need practice making decisions.
• 2:55
  They also need practice making bad decisions.
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  They need to experience disappointment, failure, embarrassment, heartache sometimes, wasted time, missed opportunities, natural consequences.
• 3:11
  And the truth is, you would probably rather they practice that while they live with you, while you're available to support them, while mistakes are still smaller.
• 3:25
  And the truth is, this is easier while they're younger.
• 3:30
  One of the biggest mistake that I see parents make is trying to control everything when their child is easy to control.
• 3:40
  Maybe they're 11, 12, 13, and the parent checks every grade.
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  They remind their preteen or early teenager,"Hey, this is what you need to do." They remind them about everything.
• 3:54
  They manage every decision, and they protect their kid from every consequence.
• 4:01
  And sometimes this works.
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  They get the assignment done.
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  They make the team.
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  They remember the permission slip.
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  They don't fail.
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  But what did they learn?
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  Sometimes they learned,"It's okay.
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  Mom manages my life." And this is the problem.
• 4:20
  When your teenager is young enough that you can control a lot of his decisions, the stakes are actually usually pretty low.
• 4:28
  And then right around the time that the stakes start getting higher, you suddenly need him to know how to make good decisions on his own.
• 4:38
  But when did he ever get to practice?
• 4:41
  So there's this thing that I tried to do back when I was a high school principal.
• 4:46
  Now, to be fair, the students that I was a principal of, they were higher risk than most students.
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  They're living on the reservation.
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  There's a lot of alcoholism, a lot of violence, a lot of things that make them a higher risk population.
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  And one of the things that we figured out was that if we could get the student to graduate at the end of their junior year, that they had a higher chance of success.
• 5:18
  It was easier to get them to graduate.
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  They're...
• 5:21
  Obviously, if they are graduating at the end of their junior year, they're guaranteed to graduate.
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  They've done it.
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  But if we waited till the end of their senior year, that would go down significantly.
• 5:32
  And there were a lot of things in these kids' lives that could change really quickly.
• 5:40
  And the older teens get, the higher the stakes get.
• 5:45
  And we found, man, if we could get these kids to graduate by the end of their junior year, it makes our job easier, it makes their life easier, makes them better prepared.
• 5:57
  But if we waited their senior year, oftentimes things would come along that would derail them.
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  Teen pregnancy, legal trouble.
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  Some of our students had to go to jail.
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  Family situations that were problematic, and there were other life-altering events that would come up.
• 6:14
  And Sometimes that other year, just the stakes get higher, it gets harder, and things can derail their life.
• 6:27
  This is why I think it's important that we empower our pre-teens and our teenagers to make their own decisions and go make mistakes before the stakes get too high, while they're young enough that it's really easy to recover from.
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  Yeah, maybe you're embarrassed a little bit.
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  Maybe you have to work extra hard to make up for something.
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  But man, if you're waiting until they're graduated, now they're moving off to college, and they have all this freedom and all this responsibility that they don't know how to handle, you've missed the opening.
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  And the earlier you can find ways to empower them, the earlier you can let them experience their own consequences, the better.
• 7:13
  That's how you can empower your teen.
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  One thing I want to be clear on, like, I'm not trying to scare you.
• 7:20
  I'm not trying to say"Look, if you don't do this, your kid's gonna go to jail, or they're not gonna graduate." That's not it.
• 7:28
  The point is that freedom and responsibility when your teen is younger, when they're actually easier to control, that's when freedom and responsibility are best practiced.
• 7:41
  The stakes are lower, and the problem is a lot of parents make the mistake that they're like,"Yeah, but I can control my teen.
• 7:48
  I can make him do this." But at twelve, forgetting to do your homework, it might mean that you get a bad grade.
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  At 18, a, a bad decision that could include like maybe money, college, employment, driving, sex, substances, the law, that can have lasting consequences.
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  So just to be clear, I'm not telling you this because I want you to be afraid.
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  I actually want the opposite.
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  I want you to see the value of letting your teenager practice while you are still close enough to support them.
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  And the thing is, if your teen is 18 and you're like,"Ben, I wish I would've done this when he was 12," that's okay.
• 8:32
  It's not too late.
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  Let your teen choose.
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  Let him make mistakes.
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  Let some of the consequences hurt, and let him learn,"Oh, when I make this choice, this happens." Because I would much rather that your teen learn how to handle freedom while he's still living in your house than get his first real experience with freedom the day you drop him off at college.
• 9:01
  So let's talk about some guidelines for how you can know whether or not you should be controlling things or whether or not you should be backing off and let your teen make their own choices and learn on their own.
• 9:16
  if the stakes are low, that's an area that is really good to empower your teen.
• 9:25
  If the stakes are low, ask yourself,"What could I let my teen own that I'm currently managing?" It might be homework, it might be grades, it might be waking up on time, remembering their sporting equipment and gear, or whether or not they talk to a coach, whether or not they communicate with a teacher, how they manage some of their money, deciding how much effort they're going to put into something.
• 9:54
  You don't have to hand everything over to your teen.
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  You just want to find low risk places where the stakes are not high to give your teen some reps.
• 10:09
  You don't teach responsibility by explaining responsibility or giving your teen a book where they can read about responsibility.
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  You teach your teen responsibility by giving him something to be responsible for.
• 10:26
  And then, and this is probably the hardest part, you let your teen experience what happens when they don't handle it very well.
• 10:35
  That is a really good lesson in life, and life can probably teach that lesson better than you can.
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  That's perfect.
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  We want reality backing us up.
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  We want reality teaching our kids like,"Oh, yeah, that's just part of what happens." So Another guideline.
• 10:54
  if your teen is passionate about something, that's another opportunity for you to step back, for you to empower your teen.
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  Let him make choices.
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  Let him make mistakes.
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  Let him deal with the consequences.
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  A lot of parents miss these golden opportunities because they're just so used to managing everything.
• 11:17
  If your teen is passionate about a sport, maybe it's music or welding or hunting, maybe it's cars, gaming, art, a job, business, some hobby.
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  If your teen cares deeply, they're motivated already.
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  Step back.
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  Let them own it.
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  You don't need to motivate them.
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  You don't need to manage them.
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  You don't need to control them.
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  If they're passionate about whatever it is, step back and let them get some of these reps under their belt.
• 11:54
  Here are some examples.
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  Like maybe your teen is passionate about football.
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  This actually happened to me back when I was a player, and maybe he forgets his football stuff.
• 12:03
  He left a cleat at home.
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  He forgot his helmet.
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  Let him suffer the consequence.
• 12:09
  A lot of parents want to rush in, and they want to rescue their teen.
• 12:13
  But if your teen cares about football, that natural consequence is gonna teach him way more than all the reminders from mom and then you eventually coming and bailing him out This could go for like welding.
• 12:28
  We live in a community, we have a lot of oil field jobs, a lot of kids are really passionate about welding.
• 12:34
  Let your kid be responsible for that.
• 12:36
  Like, what classes do you need to take?
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  What equipment do you need to buy?
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  What do you need to be thinking about?
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  Let your teen's passion be their teacher.
• 12:48
  Let the mistakes, the choices, the lessons learned, let that teach them.
• 12:54
  If your teenager cares more about the outcome than you do, that's probably a pretty good indication that that's an area that would be safe for you to get out of the way and empower them to make their own choices and learn on their own.
• 13:10
  Because now you don't have to make up consequences.
• 13:14
  You don't have to punish them.
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  You don't have to manage stuff.
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  Let them do that.
• 13:19
  Life already has plenty of consequences.
• 13:22
  Okay, so let's talk about some guidelines.
• 13:25
  When do you put your foot down?
• 13:28
  So you might have listened to the first part of this podcast and thought,"Okay, Ben, like I hear you, so I'm just supposed to let my teenager do whatever he wants and then learn from the consequences?" No, absolutely not.
• 13:42
  Like, yes, there are times and places where you can empower your teen and let them learn.
• 13:48
  That doesn't mean you just let them do whatever they want.
• 13:51
  This is about knowing who you want to be as a parent and where the line is that you wanna draw in the sand.
• 13:59
  And one of the easiest questions that you can ask, this will be a guideline that will make this easier for you to decide, do I put my foot down and control this, or do I let him make his own choices and learn?
• 14:14
  Ask yourself,"Does this belong to me?" If it belongs to you, you get a say.
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  Here's an example, right?
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  In, in my house, I own the vehicles.
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  My wife and I do.
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  And we typically maintain them, though my almost 18-year-old, I am talking to him about like,"Hey, this is how much oil changes are.
• 14:39
  This is how often you should get your oil changed and rotate your tires." But basically, we own the vehicles, we maintain them, we pay for the insurance.
• 14:48
  We carry a lot of the responsibility and liability when it comes to the vehicles.
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  And guess what?
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  Vehicles are expensive.
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  They can also be dangerous.
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  They can even be deadly.
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  So this is an area where I'm willing to draw a line.
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  This is where I'm going to control.
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  If my teen were to drive under the influence, this isn't simply like,"Well, he made a bad decision.
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  He'll learn from the consequences." No.
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  If he's driving under the influence, he has lost the privilege to operate one of my vehicles.
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  And it's not because I need to control him.
• 15:31
  No, it's because this thing belongs to me, I'm responsible for it, and I'm saying,"No, I'm not gonna let you drive." This same principle can apply to your money, your home, your property, your time, the privileges that you provide your teen, like maybe a cell phone, maybe video games.
• 15:54
  Here's the thing: a boundary is not,"Well, you are not allowed to make a choice." The boundary is,"Look, you can make your choice, but I get to decide what I'm willing to provide, what I'm willing to participate in, what I'm willing to pay for, and what I'm going to allow when it pertains to things that apply to me." Another guideline to help you understand when to put your foot down and when to control, I would ask, how serious are the risks?
• 16:30
  If there's a legitimate threat to your teen's health and safety, or to someone else's health and safety, or to your family's well-being, you might intervene more strongly.
• 16:44
  This-- Like we've already talked about driving under the influence.
• 16:48
  Maybe it's dangerous substance use, maybe it's serious violence, maybe it's dangerous illegal activity.
• 16:57
  Here's the thing I wanna be careful about, though.
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  Don't label every uncomfortable decision as safety.
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  I've seen parents do this, where really they don't like something, and they just label it as,"Well, this is dangerous.
• 17:11
  I gotta take over." It's not the same thing, and this is where you have to be honest with yourself.
• 17:18
  Is this really about safety, or am I calling it safety because I'm scared of what might happen if I let my teenager choose?
• 17:27
  If your teenager is refusing to do homework, refusing to turn it in, as much as we all want our kids to get college scholarships and w-whatever, it probably isn't something that has high enough stakes where you could say,"Man, their safety or our safety." So bottom line, there is not one perfect line.
• 17:57
  There's not a universal parenting teen handbook w-- that says, like,"Here's h- exactly how you do everything." One of the things that I enjoy, I have had people say,"Ben, you're a parenting coach, and you let your kid do that?" Yeah.
• 18:16
  You get to parent your kids.
• 18:18
  I get to parent mine.
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  The truth is, we have different values, different personalities.
• 18:24
  Our teens have different maturity levels.
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  Honestly, me and some of my friends have different maturity levels.
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  We have different family circumstances.
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  We have different needs.
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  The goal isn't to prove that, no, this is the one right way to parent.
• 18:39
  It's universal.
• 18:41
  The goal is to help you understand that you can be intentional about the things that you choose to control, to put your foot down and manage, and the things that you choose to turn over to your teen and let them be responsible for.
• 18:57
  It's okay if people are like,"Look, I hear you've been working with a parenting coach, and you're gonna let your teen do that?" Yeah, I am, because I get to decide how to parent my kids.
• 19:09
  And as you understand, like, look, there's no perfect way.
• 19:14
  You get to start doing exactly what I'm teaching you about.
• 19:19
  But in terms of, like, letting your teen make their own decisions and learn from it, you are going to model that.
• 19:27
  You are going to model that by understanding that there's no one right way to parent, and that sometimes parenting is going to include experimentation and figuring it out along the way.
• 19:41
  A lot of times parents are like,"No, Ben, just tell me what's the right answer.
• 19:46
  How do I do this?" I don't know for your family.
• 19:50
  I don't love your teenager as much as you do.
• 19:52
  I don't know your teenager as well as you do.
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  You can figure this out.
• 19:57
  You can do the same thing we want to let your teen do.
• 20:02
  Sometimes you're going to hold a boundary that you're like,"Okay, maybe I was a little controlling." Sometimes you're gonna back off and you're like,"Man, I gave my teen too much leeway." Sometimes you're going to rescue your teen, and you're gonna look back and you're gonna be like,"Man, I wish I wouldn't have done that." And sometimes you're going to either allow a consequence or maybe enforce a consequence that afterwards you're like,"Dang, that was harsh," like,"I was a little too strict there." That's okay.
• 20:32
  Learn.
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  Adjust.
• 20:34
  Try again.
• 20:35
  You have the opportunity to model exactly what we want your teen to do.
• 20:41
  We want your teen to be able to make decisions, experience the results.
• 20:45
  Sometimes the results are great, awesome.
• 20:48
  Sometimes they suck.
• 20:50
  And we want your teen to learn and then adjust for the future And here's something that's kind of funny.
• 20:58
  We want our teenagers to be willing to make decisions.
• 21:01
  We want them to make mistakes and to learn and to adjust.
• 21:05
  But at the same time, we often expect ourselves as parents to somehow be perfect and to parent without ever making a mistake.
• 21:15
  That's laughable because that's not possible You're learning how to be a parent just as much as your teen is figuring out how to be a teenager.
• 21:26
  So I want to invite you to do one thing this week.
• 21:29
  Just pick one decision that you've been wrestling with and ask yourself,"Does this actually belong to me?
• 21:39
  Is there a serious safety issue here?
• 21:42
  Are the stakes low enough that this could be a good opportunity for my teen to learn, to get some reps under his belt?" One of my favorite questions, ask,"Does my teen care enough about the outcome of this thing that I can just let go and let natural consequences teach him?" You could ask,"What do I think is right for my teen, for me, and my family?" And then you just make your best decision.
• 22:10
  Not a perfect decision, just your best decision, and then be willing to learn from whatever happens next.
• 22:19
  Now, if you're listening to this and you're thinking,"Okay, Ben, I still don't know where I should put my foot down, where I should allow my teen to learn.
• 22:29
  I don't know what my line is.
• 22:31
  Like, where do I draw a line in the sand?" That is exactly the kind of thing that we can talk about on a free game plan call.
• 22:40
  Maybe it's school.
• 22:42
  Maybe your teen wants to quit something.
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  Maybe he wants to quit school, quit a job.
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  I don't know.
• 22:47
  Maybe it's driving.
• 22:49
  Maybe it's vaping.
• 22:51
  Maybe you have an 18-year-old living at home, and you're trying to figure out,"What am I still responsible for, and what do I need to let go of so he can be responsible?" Bring your actual situation.
• 23:03
  We'll look at what belongs to you, what belongs to your teen, and where you might need to hold a boundary, and where it might be time to step back and let your teenager learn.
• 23:15
  This isn't about me telling you the right way to parent.
• 23:18
  It's about helping you get clear on how you want to parent.
• 23:23
  You can go to benpughcoaching.com/mini and book a free game plan call with me.
• 23:32
  And remember, your teen needs opportunities to learn how to handle freedom.
• 23:37
  Sometimes that means putting your foot down.
• 23:40
  Sometimes that means getting out of the way.
• 23:43
  Your job isn't to always know the perfect answer.
• 23:47
  Your job is to know who you want to be as a parent.
• 23:51
  Your job is to draw a line in the sand, make your best decision, and be willing to learn and adjust right along with your teen.
• 24:02
  And if you want help with that, go to benpughcoaching.com/mini and book a free game plan call.
• 24:11
  I'll see you next week.