Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S4 Ep5: Neal Brennan: 13 Minutes, 3 Mics, Infinite Laughs 🤣

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S4 Ep5: Neal Brennan: 13 Minutes, 3 Mics, Infinite Laughs 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Things are better now.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: People over 40 back me up on this.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Back me up on how sloppy and disorganized the world used to be.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: Remember when sunblock began?
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_01: Young people, there was no sunblock.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_01: There was suntan oil, and then the next week they were like, hey, that was lube for cancer.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_01: Block your whole thing.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_01: White people were getting scorched, is my point.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_01: We were getting scorched.
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_01: As a white person, you go outside, you knew it was time to come back in when you were like, Do you smell meat?
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: It was you.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: And you know who doesn't care?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: My black friends.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: I tried to tell my black friends, I'm like, dude, I've gotten second degree, bubbly burns.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_01: White people get skin cancer 30 times more than black people.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: And all my black friends are like, yeah, Neil, I'm having a hard time finding my passion for this.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I'm starting to realize?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: I'm starting to realize that if you think about it, it's gonna sound crazy, but if you think about it, the sun is basically the cops for white people.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: Think about it.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_01: Following us around everywhere we go, fucking with us because of the color of our skin, killing our cousins for no reason.
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: And then when I tell my black friends that the sun killed my cousin, they're like, well, what was he wearing?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_01: My failure in relationships is not for lack of trying, I swear to God.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like I've I've I've done different approaches, uh, love language, attachment style, age, race, weight, job.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: I dated a model.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: Guys, dating a model is like owning a dune buggy.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_01: And dating a model is like owning a dune buggy, because at the beach, it's great.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: But everywhere else, you're like, I shouldn't have brought you here.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, this is all gonna be heterosexual.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't have any, I I don't have any gay insights, never been gay.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: I check once a year.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: I do.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_01: If you're honest, you check once a year.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I go on I go on Pornhub, I kick the gay button, and I go, anything?
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, back to women.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: I while I haven't been gay, I have experienced a ton of homophobia because I have a bidet.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, my straight guy friends would be like, can't do it, bro.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Can't have water shooting on my ass.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_01: I'm like, are you worried about look, if the only thing keeping you from being gay is water hitting your ass, you are gay.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_01: Just be gay.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Come on over, take a ride on the pony, starting your life.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_01: If you're under 25, you probably are in school or just got out of school.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: Student loan debt is fucking awful.
• 3:13
  SPEAKER_01: How many people have student loan debt by round of applause?
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's so many people.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_01: Well, first of all, the college makes me insane because the fact that they charge one price at one college and another price at another college is so dumb because it's not like you're getting better facts.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_01: It's not like if you go to a community college and take a history class, you're gonna be like, well, the Revolutionary War started immediately after the Boston Tea Party, and at these prices, that's all the information we're willing to give you.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I I was lucky enough to have dropped out.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: Um because I realized early on that these student loans are basically small business loans, and the business is you, and you're maybe not such a great business.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: Look, if they call them small business loans, no 18-year-old kid would ever get the loan because it's a bad idea for a business.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_01: If you had to go to the bank, to the small business desk and ask me, like, yeah, I'm gonna need$150,000, they'd be like, Alright, what's your business idea?
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_01: Alright, here's the idea.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_01: For the next four years, I'm gonna get blackout drunk.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_01: But also, I'm gonna get a degree in sociology.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: They'd be like, get the fuck out of our bank.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, that's fine, I will, but just know that I did have a way to pay you guys back.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: I'm just gonna give you$80 a month for the next 240 years.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_01: There's just a lot of obstacles to relationships.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we can't talk directly about sex.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: We can't be like, sex, sex, sex, you just have to get together and hint at it for like six hours.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: You're just like, I just like paying for stuff.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know what it is.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: It's so dumb.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Like that we can't talk about the most important thing to our species.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: If I'm with my buddy and I want to eat, I go, hey, you want to go to lunch?
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_01: I don't take a spoon out of my pocket.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: What's it remind you of?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: And then we have sex and we understand that your orgasms are a little nonlinear, right?
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: But fellas, I've I've uh I've figured something out about women.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: Trying to make a woman have an orgasm is like ordering an Uber, right?
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: Because you open the app and you hit the button and you go, alright, it's coming in seven minutes.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_01: And then a couple minutes pass, you're like, oh great, it's coming in two minutes.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: All right, I can see the little car, that's good.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_01: And then some more time passes, and you're like, it's coming in five minutes.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_01: Why is that car spinning around like that?
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: Wait a minute, ride cancel.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_01: I hope this doesn't affect my rating.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: But it will.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_01: I I never had pets growing up, right?
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I so I but I watch videos of dogs and they're so funny and loving, and soldiers come back from overseas, and the dog's freaking out, the soldiers freaking out, and the dog's fucking his face, and I'm like, you know what?
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: I should get a dog.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_01: So I get a pit bull named Keith, and um, and everybody told me Keith's gonna be your best friend, and I gotta say, maybe my ninth best friend.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we're good we're cool, but we just whatever that thing is that opens up between humans and animals, it just never opened up.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: And then I go, do I not understand human-dog relationships?
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_01: Or am I the only person who understands human-dog relationships?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: Because everybody asked me the same question about Keith.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_01: They go, hey, is he a rescue?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they're all rescues.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: None of these dogs are thriving on their own.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: Never heard a story of like, hey, where'd you guys get your labradoodle?
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_01: Or like, when in a Bank of America she was the manager.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_01: Now she's a full-time labradoodle.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: I shouldn't even say I rescued it.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we have, people love patting themselves on the back.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: We rescued it, we saved it, we adopted it.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: No, you didn't.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_01: Here's what happened to your dog, my dog, every dog ever.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_01: The dog was born into a litter, kidnapped, given to you.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: No, Neil, you don't understand.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a dog mom.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: Really?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_01: You know who else was a dog mom?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: That dog's mom.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: But we think because we talk to the dogs like there are babies, that there are babies.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: They're not.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_01: There are captives, right?
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: But we think because we go, like, are you a pretty girl?
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: You pretty girl?
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: Pitch your voice down.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: You'll see what a monster you are.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_01: Like, are you a pretty girl?
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: We can go outside, right?
• 8:17
  SPEAKER_01: You can put a chain around your neck.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: Do a trick for me, I'll give you a tiny morsel of food.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_01: You're my best friend.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_01: And then back to men.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: Just gigantic creeps.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_01: Women, here's the thing you gotta understand, though, it's not even really our fault.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's testosterone.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_01: It's a creepy hormone.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: It's got nothing but bad ideas all day.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: Women have estrogen, like the worst thing estrogen will suggest is like, let's get some wine and go on Etsy.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: Not that bad.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas testosterone, everything it wants, is against the law.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: It is like having a prison inmate living inside you.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_01: Where he's like, let's fucking do it.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: I say, like, take it easy, man.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: It's 7:30 in the morning.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, I don't give a fuck, bro.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_01: I'll be doing dips till you're ready.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: Look, do your best with the mental health stuff, therapy, medication, whatever you gotta do.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: Just know that if you don't get there, some of the greatest things that have ever happened on earth were created by psychopaths and drug addicts.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like every invention.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Psychopaths and drug addicts.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: Like Sigmund Freud.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_01: The guy invented therapy, right?
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: Open coquette would write about it in his books.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: By the way, most of Freud's books should be called this, maybe the cocaine talket.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_01: Like they're insanely cokey ideas.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_01: You can hear it.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_01: Like, okay, what else?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: What else?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: What else?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_01: Uh all right, come on.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: What are we doing?
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_01: What are we doing?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I think women are jealous of our dicks.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, they are.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_01: Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: What else?
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_01: What else?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: What else?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: What else?
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I think every guy wants to fuck his mom.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah, he does.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: That might be the hottest shit you ever wrote, boy.
• 10:03
  SPEAKER_01: Listen to me.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_01: No cocaine, no therapy.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_01: The guy popularized therapy because of coke.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_01: And it makes sense because therapy is an extremely cokey idea.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_01: Where it's like, just come in to the office and fucking just tell me everything.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_01: You know what I mean?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: Just fucking tell me about your mom and your dad and your dreams at night, and then after an hour, he's like, hey, you gotta get the fuck out of here.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: Come back in exactly a week.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_01: I I I grew up Catholic.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Anyone else?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: Still doing it?
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_01: No.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_01: They never being Catholic's like playing trombone.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_01: After 12th grade, you're like, I don't have to do that shit anymore.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_01: The older I get, though, you know who I respect more and more?
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: Muslims.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: And I'll tell you why.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, what they believe feels like foreign to us, but they're committed to it.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, look, God came to us a couple thousand years ago, had some simple rules.
• 11:11
  SPEAKER_01: Pray five times a day, don't eat ham.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Women gotta dress like ninjas.
• 11:20
  SPEAKER_01: Those are the rules, and until we hear back from them, we're sticking with those rules.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_01: Whereas Catholicism will change whenever.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_01: Like the new Pope is barely even Catholic.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_01: He is, and he's trying to be like a cool stepdad about shit, too.
• 11:35
  SPEAKER_01: So I understand drugs are called mollies?
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: No, I get it.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_01: I feel like the Pope just makes shit up because it because last year they asked the Pope to go, hey Pope, can pets get into heaven?
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_01: And he thinks about it for a second.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_01: He goes, uh yeah.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, fuck it.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Everybody gets a plus one, I just decided.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_01: At one point they asked the Pope to go, Pope, what do you think of gay marriage?
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_01: And the Pope goes, Well, I mean, who am I to judge?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_01: Gay people.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_01: Dude.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_01: You're the Pope.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: For the last thousand years, you've had two jobs.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_01: One, judging gay people, and two, covering up gay things that your coworkers are doing.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_01: Those are your jobs as the Pope.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: That and dressing like an outer space pimp with an unlimited budget.
• 12:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's because people that are good at something are optimized for that thing and pretty much nothing else, right?
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: You ever play a video game where you make the character and you have like a hundred points and you gotta distribute it between like dexterity and marksmanship and speed?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_01: That's what God does.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_01: And sometimes he fucks up.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like when God was making Woody Allen, they were like, God, how many points should we give him for comedy and filmmaking?
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: And God's like, fuck it, give him a hundred.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: And they were like, but that's not gonna leave any points for not fucking his family.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: And God was like, How bad can it be?
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: And then 70 years later, an angel was like, Did you see that documentary?
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like,