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#HURDLEMOMENT: An Expert On How to Say No Without Shame or Guilt · Hurdle with Emily Abbate

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Speaker 1: When you say yes and it's not what you really
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Speaker 1: want to say. Well, you may not have some anxiety initially,
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Speaker 1: but that anxiety that you build later on, and the
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Speaker 1: resentment around that and feeling that you have committed yourself
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Speaker 1: to something that just makes you plain crazy, well that
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Speaker 1: becomes overwhelming.
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Speaker 2: Hey, everybody, em Leah Badi here coming to you live
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Speaker 2: from the AG studio. You are listening to another installment
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Speaker 2: of Hurdle Moment from Hurdle a Well on this focus
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Speaker 2: podcast where I connect with everyone from your favorite athletes
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Speaker 2: to top experts and industry CEOs about their highest highs,
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Speaker 2: toughest moments, and everything in between. We all go through
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Speaker 2: hurdles in life, and my goal through these discussions is
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Speaker 2: to empower you to better navigate yours, but with intention,
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Speaker 2: so that you can stride towards your own big potential
1:03
Speaker 2: and of course have some fun along the way.
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Speaker 3: Maybe you're new to the show, maybe you're.
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Speaker 2: Not, but at the beginning of the season, it's always
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Speaker 2: a great time to reiterate that the topics that I
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Speaker 2: cover here on heard All there are about all aspects
1:17
Speaker 2: of wellness right, not just our physical wellness, but our
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Speaker 2: mental health, our financial health, our sexual health.
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Speaker 3: Our emotional health. You get the idea.
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Speaker 2: So today we are getting into the mental side of
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Speaker 2: things with my new friend, doctor Jeff Gardair. Now.
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Speaker 3: Doctor Jeff has a slew of accolades.
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Speaker 2: He's a trained psychologist who works with both individuals and couples,
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Speaker 2: and today he's working with us to talk about how
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Speaker 2: to say no. It's something that can be pretty challenging,
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Speaker 2: regardless of the circumstance, right because so often we want
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Speaker 2: to do right by the people that we care about,
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Speaker 2: or perhaps in our professional relationships, our romantic relationships, but
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Speaker 2: we also need to do right by us and uphold
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Speaker 2: our boundary. He's a buzzword that I talk about a
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Speaker 2: lot with doctor Jeff today. A lot of really great
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Speaker 2: takeaways in this conversation. And the holidays can be a
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Speaker 2: stressful time of year, a time of year that it
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Speaker 2: may be helpful for you to exercise your know a
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Speaker 2: little bit more. So, hopefully you can do that a
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Speaker 2: little bit easier with the tips and tricks from doctor Jeff.
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Speaker 3: Make sure you're following along with Hurdle over on social media.
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Speaker 3: It's at Hurdle Podcasts. I'm over at Emilia Body.
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Speaker 2: I know I promoted this earlier this week, but I
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Speaker 2: am hosting a goal setting workshop. In fact, I'm hosting
2:29
Speaker 2: two of them in the next few weeks, setting things
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Speaker 2: up for twenty twenty two, and I would love to
2:33
Speaker 2: see you there. All the details on this super intimate
2:36
Speaker 2: opportunity are in the show notes as well as the
2:40
Speaker 2: link to sign up. Plus, do not forget if you
2:43
Speaker 2: have yet to snag yourself some hurdle merch or want
2:46
Speaker 2: to get in on some past hurdle sessions, you can
2:48
Speaker 2: do all of that by checking out the shop over
2:51
Speaker 2: on the website at hurdle.
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Speaker 3: Dot Us slash shop.
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Speaker 2: We've got sweatshirts, You've got hats, you've got mugs, and again,
2:57
Speaker 2: we've got tons of hurdle sessions and everything from how
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Speaker 2: to start in state running to a self guided goal
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Speaker 2: setting workshop that you can do on demand in your
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Speaker 2: own time.
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Speaker 3: Last, but not.
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Speaker 2: Least, to all of you doing the Lease Up challenge,
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Speaker 2: I commend you. I love following along with you, and
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Speaker 2: I love being inspired to move. Thanks to all of
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Speaker 2: you showing up on Instagram day in and day out,
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Speaker 2: I am giving away a slew of prizes throughout the
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Speaker 2: month for those individuals. The hurdlers that want to join
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Speaker 2: me in doing this. For more details, heading over to
3:26
Speaker 2: the Hurdle Instagram. Again, that's over at Hurdle Podcasts to
3:28
Speaker 2: find out how you can get moving, stay accountable, and
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Speaker 2: of course, like I said, win some really awesome prizes
3:36
Speaker 2: with that. Well, let's get to hurdling.
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Speaker 3: Today. I'm sitting down with doctor Jeffrey Guardaer.
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Speaker 2: He is a board certified clinical psychologist and Associate Professor
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Speaker 2: and Course Director of Behavioral Medicine at Toro College of
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Speaker 2: Osteopathic Medicine here in New York City. How are you
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Speaker 2: doing today?
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Speaker 1: I'm doing well. Thank you for having me, Emily. I'm
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Speaker 1: really excited to be here with you.
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Speaker 2: Oh. I love the enthusiasm right off the bat. So
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Speaker 2: it's cool if I call you doctor Jeff.
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Speaker 1: Then absolutely, I mean call me anything you want, just
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Speaker 1: don't call me late for supper.
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Speaker 3: But jokes, He's got jokes. Everyone.
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Speaker 2: Well, me and doctor jeff today, we are here to
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Speaker 2: talk about how to say no without shame or guilt. Now,
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Speaker 2: before we get into the meat and potatoes of what
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Speaker 2: we're really here to talk about today, I would love
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Speaker 2: for us to learn a little bit about you, get
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Speaker 2: some context about how you got to be where you're
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Speaker 2: at today in your career.
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Speaker 3: So give us the look, give us the four one one.
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Speaker 1: I'm a Haitian American. Let's start there. And my parents
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Speaker 1: came to from Haiti to the United States in nineteen
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Speaker 1: fifty four. Believe it or not, so being a first
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Speaker 1: generation Haitian American certainly was something that impacted my life
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Speaker 1: because being someone from the Caribbean, for me, it's always been,
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Speaker 1: you know, being a stranger in a strange land and
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Speaker 1: always having to do better and always studying and always
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Speaker 1: working harder. And that's what my parents always taught me
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Speaker 1: from the very beginning. Because you are a person of color,
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Speaker 1: you have to, you know, have higher standards for yourself
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Speaker 1: because people are going to judge you in a very
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Speaker 1: different way. And very early on, being that I spent
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Speaker 1: most of my life in Brooklyn and going to Brooklyn
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Speaker 1: Tech High School, which are very close to I found
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Speaker 1: myself studying psychology because I noticed that my friends, who
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Speaker 1: most of them were white at the time, would judge
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Speaker 1: me in a different way. They judge me by the
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Speaker 1: color of my skin and not by the content of
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Speaker 1: my character. If I may steal a line from doctor
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Speaker 1: Martin Luther King Junior, right, And so I thought, if
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Speaker 1: you're looking at someone based on what's on the surface
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Speaker 1: and not what's on the inside, is that a mental
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Speaker 1: health challenge? Is it a mental health challenge or even
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Speaker 1: illness when you project negativity onto other people where you
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Speaker 1: demonize other people based on things that have no truth
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Speaker 1: in reality. And so from a very young age, I
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Speaker 1: wanted to be a psychologist. And then of course when
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Speaker 1: I went to college and started studying psychology, it was
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Speaker 1: a perfect fit for me. And so it was always
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Speaker 1: about not judging other people for me, because that's what
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Speaker 1: I felt was happening to me, and I didn't want
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Speaker 1: to do the same thing because I knew what that
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Speaker 1: felt like, but trying to understand where they came from,
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Speaker 1: where these thoughts perhaps were finding, you know, fruit in
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Speaker 1: order to continue to look at people in very negative ways.
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Speaker 1: And so that's what I've spent my whole life doing
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Speaker 1: being a psychologist, helping people be more centered to the
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Speaker 1: truth and reality, helping them understand how they should walk
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Speaker 1: in another person's shoes before judging, helping them have empathy.
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Speaker 1: And I've done that through my private practice. I've done
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Speaker 1: that as a professor as you mentioned at Turo College
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Speaker 1: of Osteopathic Medicine. I've done it in my books. I've
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Speaker 1: done it as a talking head. And so that's my
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Speaker 1: mission in life, Emily, to be able to work with
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Speaker 1: people about having a healthier life, not just in interacting
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Speaker 1: with other people, but into realizing who they are and
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Speaker 1: reaching their potential.
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Speaker 2: It really sounds like you were kind of wise beyond
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Speaker 2: your years from a young age, realizing that you wanted
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Speaker 2: to think more broadly and think a little bit deeper,
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Speaker 2: looking at the person on the inside rather than just
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Speaker 2: judging someone by their character on the outside, and perhaps
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Speaker 2: maybe harnessing some what could have been anger or feelings
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Speaker 2: of resentment and trying to spin those around to do
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Speaker 2: something good with that. Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Look, we know that one in five people are in
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Speaker 1: need of some sort of mental health services based on
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Speaker 1: the kinds of emotional issues that they have, and quite
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Speaker 1: often they don't get that help, and so they internalize
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Speaker 1: a lot of that. It causes a lot of anxiety,
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Speaker 1: a lot of depression. They're not true to themselves in
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Speaker 1: many ways, and so I think it's really important that
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Speaker 1: we work on ourselves, not just look at other people
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Speaker 1: and what their faults or issues are, but to really
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Speaker 1: be able to work with our own selves and being
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Speaker 1: the best people that we can possibly be, being the
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Speaker 1: best individual, the best family member, the best community member,
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Speaker 1: because when you do that, then you're able to give
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Speaker 1: that back, you know, to everyone who's around you.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'm sure like your studies have influence to
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Speaker 2: that perspective and that stance, But I would almost assume
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Speaker 2: that you probably didn't always or weren't always able to
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Speaker 2: look at it through that lens. Do you recall maybe
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Speaker 2: in your upbringing a certain experience or a moment where
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Speaker 2: you had difficulty kind of like taking a step back
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Speaker 2: and reflecting in that way, perhaps getting a little frustrated
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Speaker 2: or angry at a certain scenario.
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Speaker 1: I think perhaps that happened within my first marriage, where
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Speaker 1: I felt very misunderstood and it was easy to settle
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Speaker 1: into my own misery and pain and not see things
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Speaker 1: from my exis now my ex, but at the time
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Speaker 1: my spouse's point of view. Since that time, it has
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Speaker 1: made me a better therapist in working with other people
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Speaker 1: with whatever their issues are. The other part to answer
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Speaker 1: that question, it was a great question, is my frustration
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Speaker 1: with my own mental health challenges you know, dealing with
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Speaker 1: my own anxiety, which I had a lot of anxiety,
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Speaker 1: and I've dealt with that throughout my own life, some
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Speaker 1: generalized anxiety, some issues with OCD, some issues with hypochondriasis,
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Speaker 1: you know, the fear of getting illnesses. And as I've
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Speaker 1: gotten older and with therapy, I've really been able to
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Speaker 1: manage that and in many ways it influenced my work
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Speaker 1: being with ROW which is one of the organizations that
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Speaker 1: brought me, the organization that brought me to you, where
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Speaker 1: we've been able to work online with people around issues,
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Speaker 1: medical issues, with a lot of people who are dealing
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Speaker 1: with with anxiety and depression. So really taking that personal
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Speaker 1: pain and turning it into power and being able then
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Speaker 1: to put that out there for as many people as possible.
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Speaker 1: And you know, I don't have to tell you how
11:16
Speaker 1: many people are dealing with anxiety. That is the major
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Speaker 1: issue of our times. You know a lot of people
11:22
Speaker 1: dealing with depression. But being able to bring a vehicle
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Speaker 1: to people where they can easily, for example, go online
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Speaker 1: and avail themselves of the types of services that we
11:33
Speaker 1: have for them.
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Speaker 2: Talk to me just a little bit more about ROW
11:35
Speaker 2: Mind and what it has to offer.
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Speaker 1: You know, I'm an advisory board member with Rowmind, So
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Speaker 1: I was with Rowe the company from the very beginning.
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Speaker 1: A lot of people know them around medications with the
11:48
Speaker 1: rectile dysfunction and general health issues and so on, and
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Speaker 1: then we had the spin off of row Mind and
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Speaker 1: it is a really great vehicle where people can go online.
12:01
Speaker 1: They take an online assessment and if it is something
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Speaker 1: where we see the person can use some assistance, then
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Speaker 1: they get a one on one, you know, session online
12:14
Speaker 1: and that provider is able to work with them with
12:16
Speaker 1: whatever their needs may be, whether it may be FDA
12:20
Speaker 1: approof medication for anxiety or depression, or whether it might
12:25
Speaker 1: be you know, psycho educational services through virtual sessions, which
12:30
Speaker 1: I provide some of those virtual sessions along with some
12:34
Speaker 1: great providers, and so we check on them, we give
12:38
Speaker 1: them empowerment strategies. So it's really one stop shopping to
12:43
Speaker 1: be able to deal with issues around anxiety and depression.
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Speaker 3: Great good to know. Okay, so we've got the basics.
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Speaker 2: We know how you got into this line of work,
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Speaker 2: how it is something that has always interested you. Now
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Speaker 2: over here again to talk about specifically today is how
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Speaker 2: to say no right and it seems so simple, like
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Speaker 2: it's just one syllable no, But man, it is so
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Speaker 2: not that easy. So to start us off here, why
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Speaker 2: do you think so many of us have so much
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Speaker 2: I would say anxiety or difficulty saying no.
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Speaker 1: There is a lot of anxiety with it, right, because
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Speaker 1: we are a society Emily that really wants to please
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Speaker 1: other people. We don't want to be on the other
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Speaker 1: side of people feeling displeasure about us. We want to
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Speaker 1: make sure that everyone likes us. You really do love me,
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Speaker 1: don't you. You really do like me, don't you. And
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Speaker 1: so to say no to someone, we're afraid of what
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Speaker 1: their reaction may be, whether they cut us off, whether
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Speaker 1: they're angry with us, whether they're frustrated with us us,
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Speaker 1: whether they might be angry with us. And so I
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Speaker 1: think that in this society, to say no just carries
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Speaker 1: so much of those thoughts of rejection, of anxiety with
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Speaker 1: saying no. So it just becomes easy to just say yes.
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Speaker 1: But what people don't realize is when you say yes
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Speaker 1: and it's not what you really want to say. Well,
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Speaker 1: you may not have some anxiety initially, but that anxiety
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Speaker 1: that you build later on and the resentment around that
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Speaker 1: and feeling that you have committed yourself to something that
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Speaker 1: just makes you plain crazy, Well, that becomes overwhelming.
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Speaker 2: Right, And so to put up a boundary, And that's
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Speaker 2: the word that I'd like to really focus on right now,
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Speaker 2: is this word boundaries, because oftentimes once you can articulate
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Speaker 2: what your personal boundaries are, then it may because I'm
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Speaker 2: a little bit easier to say no. Now, why can
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Speaker 2: articulating our boundaries make saying no feel a little bit
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Speaker 2: easier at times?
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Speaker 1: Well, because we are able to in many ways let
15:15
Speaker 1: people know how far we are willing to go. That's
15:19
Speaker 1: why boundaries are important. I mean, that's why we have skin, right,
15:23
Speaker 1: because we don't want people to get in the nerves. Right,
15:27
Speaker 1: That's why we wear clothes because we don't want to
15:30
Speaker 1: be too cold. So those things are very protective. So
15:34
Speaker 1: it's important to people to just say what their boundaries are.
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Speaker 1: And you know, at the end of the day, it's
15:40
Speaker 1: just like when we talk about where couples may have arguments,
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Speaker 1: and we say it's healthy to have arguments as long
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Speaker 1: as you know what the ground rules are. And boundaries
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Speaker 1: are really the ground rules. And people can't by the way,
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Speaker 1: they can't read minds. Most people can't read minds right,
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Speaker 1: and therefore you have to let people know what the
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Speaker 1: boundaries are. I don't think it's fair to let people
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Speaker 1: guess what they are, because then you become very displeased
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Speaker 1: with them. They become very upset with themselves because now
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Speaker 1: they've crossed boundaries that they're not aware of. It's really,
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Speaker 1: I think so much easier if we let people know
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Speaker 1: what the boundaries are, because then it'll be easier for
16:25
Speaker 1: them to interact with us because they know what the
16:29
Speaker 1: rules of the game.
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Speaker 3: Are, right, right, And I think I mean.
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Speaker 2: An example I feel like I bring up often when
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Speaker 2: it comes to setting boundaries is, for example, I run
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Speaker 2: a lot, and during a marathon training season, I often
16:42
Speaker 2: run long so to speak, on Saturday mornings, which means
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Speaker 2: that I have a personal boundary that my Friday nights
16:48
Speaker 2: are kind of sacred, right. It means that I'm going
16:50
Speaker 2: to be in bed trying to get to bed at
16:53
Speaker 2: the latest around ten maybe ten thirty. That's on the
16:56
Speaker 2: late side for me, and so saying no to things
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Speaker 2: on Fridays, I would have shame or guilt about that
17:03
Speaker 2: because I know what my bigger goal is and that
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Speaker 2: bigger goal is both showing up to those Saturday runs
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Speaker 2: to get me to the ultimate goal of.
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Speaker 3: Being able to run a marathon.
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Speaker 2: Now, if I wasn't able to better articulate why these
17:17
Speaker 2: things are important to me, then saying no to something
17:20
Speaker 2: that could pop up on a Friday would prove to
17:22
Speaker 2: be a lot more difficult, and I might be a
17:25
Speaker 2: little bit more flexible on that. Now, if like my
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Speaker 2: best friend in the universe is having a birthday party
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Speaker 2: on the Friday for a long run, am I going
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Speaker 2: to say no?
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Speaker 3: Of course not, but to a lot of other things
17:36
Speaker 3: more than likely. Yeah, that's that's how it's going to
17:39
Speaker 3: go down.
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Speaker 1: Well, I agree with you, and I would say, even
17:42
Speaker 1: with your best friend, you know, having a birthday party
17:46
Speaker 1: and you know it's something that you really can't attend
17:51
Speaker 1: or shouldn't be attending because you have a marathon the
17:54
Speaker 1: next day or you're training for a marathon, I would
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Speaker 1: hope that friend, if they really try, really are a friend,
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Speaker 1: would understand your saying no. Now, the way you're saying
18:05
Speaker 1: no is lovingly saying no, And you know that's one
18:10
Speaker 1: of the things I'm sure we'll get into. How do
18:12
Speaker 1: you say no? Right? So you know, being able to
18:16
Speaker 1: let your best friend know know that and oh no
18:24
Speaker 1: is being said in a loving way. I love you.
18:27
Speaker 1: I would love to be there with you, but as
18:31
Speaker 1: my friend, you would understand that the importance of sleep
18:36
Speaker 1: and rest and rejuvenation for me to be able to
18:40
Speaker 1: do the best that I can as far as training
18:43
Speaker 1: or being in this marathon. That would be your birthday
18:47
Speaker 1: gift to me to understand that. And we can always
18:51
Speaker 1: celebrate your birthday, you know, perhaps at another time, or
18:54
Speaker 1: I can come by much earlier, but then I would
18:57
Speaker 1: have to leave, so it is it is easier. I mean,
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Speaker 1: I just love this topic. People really do accept and
19:05
Speaker 1: oh no much more than we think. I think a
19:10
Speaker 1: lot of the issue has to do with the person
19:12
Speaker 1: who's afraid of saying no, versus the receiver that we
19:17
Speaker 1: think may have an issue accepting the word no.
19:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, And to your point before, it's that unknown right,
19:25
Speaker 2: It's like we are programmed to often more often.
19:29
Speaker 3: Than not, you know, people please.
19:30
Speaker 2: We don't want to upset the people that we care about,
19:33
Speaker 2: but sometimes in prioritizing everybody else's feelings and everybody else
19:36
Speaker 2: as well being, we tend to put aside the things
19:40
Speaker 2: that we know, or maybe we don't even know, but
19:43
Speaker 2: that we really need absolutely.
19:45
Speaker 1: I think it's also important for us to understand that
19:50
Speaker 1: in being able to say no more often, perhaps we
19:55
Speaker 1: really are treating our friends much much better because we're
19:59
Speaker 1: not miserable. As you said, we're looking at some of
20:03
Speaker 1: our own priorities. But by doing that, we are much
20:06
Speaker 1: more available to them, maybe you know, a little bit
20:11
Speaker 1: further in the future, or when they really need us,
20:15
Speaker 1: because when we say yes, we mean yes, not yes
20:20
Speaker 1: though I really want to say no. So again, it's
20:23
Speaker 1: training yourself to understand saying no is not a bad thing.
20:30
Speaker 1: No is not a bad thing. Think about it as parents, right,
20:34
Speaker 1: if we said yes to our children through everything, we'd
20:38
Speaker 1: have the most spoiled children on the face of the planet.
20:43
Speaker 1: It's being able to say no that shows courage, but
20:47
Speaker 1: it also shows love. It shows boundaries, It shows caring
20:55
Speaker 1: because it really is about doing something that may be
21:00
Speaker 1: somewhat difficult for you, but it really is to the
21:03
Speaker 1: benefit not just of yourself, but of that other person too.
21:13
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24:09
Speaker 3: And we gave that extreme example.
24:11
Speaker 2: I would say of saying no because you have like
24:14
Speaker 2: a larger goal, but sometimes you just have to say
24:16
Speaker 2: no because it's just not something that you really want
24:19
Speaker 2: to do. I think when it comes to shame or guilt,
24:23
Speaker 2: this is where that really comes into play, because again,
24:26
Speaker 2: you might have a friend who really wants you to
24:29
Speaker 2: do something with them, or they really might want your
24:32
Speaker 2: opinion on something that doesn't make you feel comfortable, and
24:35
Speaker 2: at that point, like, what's someone even to do?
24:38
Speaker 1: Mm hmm, I agree, I agree, And that's that I
24:43
Speaker 1: think is when you are able to say that no,
24:48
Speaker 1: the person should be able to accept it, not so
24:51
Speaker 1: much challenge you, but more than anything else, be able
24:56
Speaker 1: to say I respect that, and I respect that because
24:59
Speaker 1: I care for you. You're allowed to say no. That's
25:02
Speaker 1: what friendships are about. That's what respectful relationships are about.
25:08
Speaker 1: Professional relationships are about being able to say no, being
25:12
Speaker 1: able to say yes, but being true to yourself.
25:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, and so what you mentioned before about perhaps the
25:19
Speaker 2: quote unquote right way to say no, I think we
25:21
Speaker 2: should home in on that just a little bit here.
25:24
Speaker 2: I loved what you were saying about providing an alternative
25:27
Speaker 2: for when something doesn't really work for you.
25:29
Speaker 3: Let's chat about that a little bit.
25:31
Speaker 1: Sure.
25:32
Speaker 3: I have a great example.
25:33
Speaker 2: I gotten a pattern of reaching out to a friend
25:36
Speaker 2: and I realized after one or two times maybe of
25:39
Speaker 2: asking her if she wanted to grab a bite one night,
25:42
Speaker 2: that she came back to me and she said, Hey,
25:45
Speaker 2: it's not that I don't want to grab And she
25:47
Speaker 2: had said no both times, and she said, and maybe
25:49
Speaker 2: it was the third time, Hey, it's not that I
25:52
Speaker 2: don't want to get together with you. But during the week,
25:54
Speaker 2: me and my partner try not to make plans unless
25:57
Speaker 2: something really important comes up, because we plan on our
26:01
Speaker 2: meals for the week. This is like our time to
26:03
Speaker 2: reconnect at the end of the day. I'd love to
26:05
Speaker 2: plan in advance with you to do something in either
26:09
Speaker 2: a couple of weeks or on the weekend. So that
26:11
Speaker 2: was a great example for me of someone saying no
26:14
Speaker 2: about giving me some reasoning so that I could better
26:17
Speaker 2: understand their boundaries.
26:18
Speaker 1: I think, I think, I think that's a great example.
26:21
Speaker 1: And that's one of the things that we can actually
26:24
Speaker 1: do when we say no. Tell the person why we're
26:27
Speaker 1: saying no. And by the way, when we're saying no,
26:29
Speaker 1: we're not saying now, we're saying no. But here's the
26:33
Speaker 1: reason why I'm not able to meet whatever your request is.
26:38
Speaker 1: And I think that's great. But your example also brings
26:41
Speaker 1: up something that that I see happen all the time
26:45
Speaker 1: when someone makes a request and you keep giving an
26:50
Speaker 1: excuse and delaying saying yes or no. Do you want
26:55
Speaker 1: to get together for lunch? Well, uh, I have to
27:00
Speaker 1: go to the dentist, you know. But if this crown
27:02
Speaker 1: turns out, okay, yes, you know I can do that.
27:06
Speaker 1: But if it doesn't, I don't know. Let you know,
27:10
Speaker 1: let me get back to you next week. And you
27:12
Speaker 1: keep doing that because maybe you really wanted to say
27:17
Speaker 1: no right from the beginning, but you're afraid to say no,
27:20
Speaker 1: so you delay, you delay, you delay to the point
27:24
Speaker 1: where the other person who keeps requesting just says, you
27:28
Speaker 1: know what, you don't have to say no, I'll say no,
27:31
Speaker 1: I'm not going to ask you anymore. And you don't
27:33
Speaker 1: want that kind of a situation, so you want to
27:36
Speaker 1: bite the bullet. And if no is what you want
27:40
Speaker 1: to say because you just don't want to do that
27:42
Speaker 1: with that particular person, then just say no.
27:45
Speaker 2: Sometimes we'll hear the you know, the thought of no
27:49
Speaker 2: is enough in what circumstance is just your no?
27:54
Speaker 3: Okay?
27:55
Speaker 1: That's that. That's a tough question. I think people will
27:58
Speaker 1: come back to you if you're not very certain in
28:03
Speaker 1: your no. And let's take it to a place that
28:07
Speaker 1: may be kind of tough. Right with dating, you know,
28:10
Speaker 1: someone asks you out if you really don't see yourself
28:14
Speaker 1: being with that person, you know you're not attracted, or
28:18
Speaker 1: you just don't really feel that this is the person
28:21
Speaker 1: that you want to be in their presence, the worst
28:25
Speaker 1: thing you can do is give a tepid no. Or
28:28
Speaker 1: maybe when you really think there's no way in God's
28:32
Speaker 1: green earth that I really want to be in a
28:35
Speaker 1: relationship with that person, then no means no, but be
28:40
Speaker 1: strong in your know and that person should not question you.
28:44
Speaker 2: The idea of saying no. And you mentioned being confident
28:49
Speaker 2: in that know. How you present it can make all
28:52
Speaker 2: of the difference, right. You just gave the dating example
28:57
Speaker 2: being firm in your know perhaps a lotberating a little
29:00
Speaker 2: bit on that For me in the past, if I've
29:03
Speaker 2: gone on a first date with someone and I don't
29:05
Speaker 2: see it going somewhere, rather just kind of putting them
29:08
Speaker 2: off and putting them off and putting them off. When
29:10
Speaker 2: I get asked out on another date, I'll be like, listen,
29:13
Speaker 2: I had a great time with you, but I just
29:14
Speaker 2: don't see this going anywhere else. I wish you all
29:17
Speaker 2: the best, but I'm going to pass on getting together again,
29:20
Speaker 2: or something like that.
29:21
Speaker 1: I think is this is again putting someone out of
29:24
Speaker 1: their misery, you know, because you don't want them to
29:27
Speaker 1: keep creating scenarios in their head that you know, well,
29:33
Speaker 1: maybe she's playing a game. She didn't really mean that,
29:37
Speaker 1: know that she said. And so when you give that
29:40
Speaker 1: explanation that I don't think it's going anywhere, or you're
29:44
Speaker 1: very clear about how you feel. Look, thank you so
29:49
Speaker 1: very much, you know for asking. You know, that's very
29:53
Speaker 1: kind of you, that's very sweet of you. But really
29:56
Speaker 1: I just don't see this going anywhere. So I wish
30:01
Speaker 1: you the best and I have to say no again, Emily.
30:05
Speaker 1: I think it brings us back to that place. No
30:08
Speaker 1: doesn't have to be the one word no. No can
30:13
Speaker 1: come with an explanation that is honest, and I think
30:19
Speaker 1: it's important to be as honest as you can be
30:23
Speaker 1: because it then really validates and really gives strength and
30:28
Speaker 1: really gives truth to that no versus lying to someone
30:32
Speaker 1: about it because people know when someone else is lying.
30:35
Speaker 1: For the most part, they feel that it's not genuine
30:39
Speaker 1: what the person is saying, and so it opens up
30:41
Speaker 1: a space to explore things that you really don't want
30:45
Speaker 1: to explore.
30:46
Speaker 2: Yeah, I mean, let's talk about no in perhaps a
30:48
Speaker 2: business or a professional sense. Right, If someone wants to
30:51
Speaker 2: ask you something like do you have the bandwidth to
30:54
Speaker 2: do X? Or would you like to go to this
30:57
Speaker 2: event on Thursday? If the answer no, you can say
31:01
Speaker 2: I don't, I cannot, or no, but thank you for
31:05
Speaker 2: thinking of me.
31:05
Speaker 3: You can be kind but firm.
31:08
Speaker 2: You don't have to just be, you know, a jerk
31:12
Speaker 2: because you can't make something happen.
31:13
Speaker 1: But let's take it to let's take it to the
31:16
Speaker 1: next level. Right what happens when you want to say no,
31:21
Speaker 1: but there's a voice inside your head that says, hey,
31:25
Speaker 1: go outside your comfort level and say yes. Okay, And
31:30
Speaker 1: so there are those situations too where too often saying
31:36
Speaker 1: no does not allow you to grow. You know, someone
31:39
Speaker 1: has an opportunity for you. Ooh, I feel uncomfortable about that.
31:44
Speaker 1: I feel uncomfortable about that speaking opportunity. I'll just say no.
31:48
Speaker 1: And so you challenge yourself and say, okay, maybe I
31:51
Speaker 1: can grow here by saying yes. Let me give that
31:55
Speaker 1: a try. So I think all of that comes with
31:58
Speaker 1: maturity and time, be able to look at where no
32:02
Speaker 1: is your best response, where yes is your best response,
32:08
Speaker 1: and where let me think about this and do something
32:12
Speaker 1: that may not be as comfortable, that takes me out
32:15
Speaker 1: of my comfort zone, but that allows me to grow.
32:19
Speaker 1: Let me give that a try. And so in this case,
32:22
Speaker 1: maybe I'll delay the no, try it, and then I
32:27
Speaker 1: can come back with a no or yes when we
32:30
Speaker 1: get to the next chapter of it.
32:32
Speaker 2: Right, like, you have the opportunity to learn from that scenario.
32:35
Speaker 2: I also think one last thing to touch on here
32:38
Speaker 2: with you is the aftermath of the no.
32:40
Speaker 3: Right.
32:41
Speaker 2: We talked about the importance of being firm in your delivery,
32:44
Speaker 2: but what about the assurance that someone should walk away
32:47
Speaker 2: from giving that answer with I.
32:50
Speaker 1: Really do believe that saying no and making a commitment
32:57
Speaker 1: to yourself that you don't have to look back begins
33:02
Speaker 1: to train you in a way to build your character
33:06
Speaker 1: and make you a stronger individual. That puts the boundaries
33:11
Speaker 1: out there so people understand who you are and so
33:16
Speaker 1: you know who you are. The more sured you are
33:20
Speaker 1: in yourself, the more confidence you have in yourself with
33:24
Speaker 1: being able to say no to the things that you
33:27
Speaker 1: know may really tax you or put you in a
33:29
Speaker 1: place of discomfort or that will cause more anxiety later
33:34
Speaker 1: on if you say yes. I think those are the
33:38
Speaker 1: things over time that will make you a stronger individual,
33:42
Speaker 1: a better friend, you know, and certainly a person who
33:47
Speaker 1: is much more honest and true to themselves and to
33:50
Speaker 1: the people who they surround themselves with.
33:53
Speaker 2: Right, it's like a test of your will or a
33:56
Speaker 2: muscle that you have to exercise.
33:57
Speaker 3: Like that's the word there, That's the key exercise.
34:00
Speaker 2: Word there that you have to continually use it in
34:03
Speaker 2: order to get better at it. That's how you get stronger.
34:06
Speaker 2: The same goes for quote unquote exercising your no. It
34:09
Speaker 2: might not be super comfortable at first for us to
34:12
Speaker 2: get used to exercising our boundaries and using the word no,
34:17
Speaker 2: But with time, as you start to realize that it
34:19
Speaker 2: feels really good to get comfortable in your own certainty.
34:23
Speaker 3: That makes all the difference.
34:25
Speaker 1: Being able and you know, and I believe in the
34:27
Speaker 1: body mind spirit connection, being able to say no, not
34:32
Speaker 1: just to other people, but building that self discipline to
34:36
Speaker 1: say no to the things that may not be healthy
34:39
Speaker 1: for you. No to over drinking, no to having too
34:44
Speaker 1: many suites, no to not getting the proper you know,
34:49
Speaker 1: amount of rest, you know, as you pointed out earlier,
34:53
Speaker 1: instead of going to a birthday party and staying up
34:56
Speaker 1: all night, being able to get to bed at ten
34:58
Speaker 1: o'clock and getting your important seven hours of sleep so
35:02
Speaker 1: that you can function better. So saying no to a
35:06
Speaker 1: lot of the things that are going to bring negative consequences,
35:10
Speaker 1: Being able to say no to yourself with regard to
35:13
Speaker 1: spending too much time on social media, those are the
35:17
Speaker 1: things that I think really build that self discipline too
35:21
Speaker 1: and make you a better and stronger person all the
35:24
Speaker 1: way around.
35:26
Speaker 2: Is there anything that we haven't touched on just yet
35:29
Speaker 2: about this topic that you think we should get to
35:31
Speaker 2: before I release you into the world.
35:35
Speaker 3: No, haa, look at them go.
35:38
Speaker 2: Thank you so much again, doctor Jeff, for your time today,
35:41
Speaker 2: for all of your wisdom. How do the hurdlers follow
35:44
Speaker 2: along with you? How do they keep up with you?
35:46
Speaker 2: Give me all of your information?
35:48
Speaker 1: Sure? Absolutely well. They can go to Twitter at doctor
35:51
Speaker 1: Jeff Gardier and so they'll find me there. They can
35:55
Speaker 1: go to my website Doctorjeffgardier dot com, and of course
36:00
Speaker 1: I want folks to check me out on rowco road,
36:03
Speaker 1: dot co, forward slash mind. I want them to check
36:06
Speaker 1: out a lot of the videos that I've done around
36:10
Speaker 1: issues of anxiety and depression and learn about the empowerment
36:16
Speaker 1: strategies that are there on that side. If they have
36:19
Speaker 1: an issue or issues around anxiety and depression, there are
36:23
Speaker 1: a lot of great resources there for them so that
36:27
Speaker 1: they can get the help that they truly deserve, because
36:30
Speaker 1: we all deserve to be happy.
36:32
Speaker 2: I love that I'm over at Emily a Body and
36:35
Speaker 2: at Hurdle Podcast, Another hurdle conquered.
36:38
Speaker 3: Catch you guys next time.