Latest / Pastor John Piper's answers / Did We Sin Our Marriage Away?

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Did We Sin Our Marriage Away? · Pastor John Piper's answers

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  Speaker 1: Hard marriages, divorce and domestic abuse, a trio of very
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  Speaker 1: tough topics that come up on the podcast from time
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  Speaker 1: to time, as you can see in the Empty Book,
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  Speaker 1: and we have a new entry here when it comes
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  Speaker 1: to hard marriages. In this email from an anonymous wife,
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  Speaker 1: hy Pastor John, my husband and I are currently separated
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  Speaker 1: and my heart feels utterly broken. We've been married for
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  Speaker 1: almost ten years, but our relationship has been difficult, marked
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  Speaker 1: by his alcoholism, which he is now sober from, and
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  Speaker 1: my long battle with chronic illness, which I've been healed from.
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  Speaker 1: When we first got married, we were not living according
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  Speaker 1: to God's will. We lived like the world, and our
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  Speaker 1: church didn't teach on sin or repentance at all. Thankfully,
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  Speaker 1: things have changed for us spiritually, but we've never learned
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  Speaker 1: how to resolve conflict or heal from the pain and
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  Speaker 1: hurt we've caused each other over the years. We fight
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  Speaker 1: consistently in unhealthy ways, and I've come to realize that
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  Speaker 1: I've had a victim mentality and have contributed to the
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  Speaker 1: cycle of hurt. I've failed to respect my husband and
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  Speaker 1: have used my words to tear him down, and defense
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  Speaker 1: of my own pain, I am deeply ashamed of this
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  Speaker 1: and grieve over it. We both acknowledge our past mistakes,
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  Speaker 1: but now my husband believes that maybe we've sent our
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  Speaker 1: way into this marriage, and that it may not have
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  Speaker 1: been God's will for us to be together in the
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  Speaker 1: first place. I, however, believe that marriage is for life,
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  Speaker 1: and I trust that God can restore and redeem what's
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  Speaker 1: been broken. I don't view our marriage as a mistake anymore,
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  Speaker 1: even though I once did. I don't want to lose
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  Speaker 1: my husband. Is there any truth to what he's saying?
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  Speaker 1: Or does God's union of husband and wife hold particularly
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  Speaker 1: for Christians? Despite our struggles, I don't believe we can
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  Speaker 1: send our way out of marriage. We love each other deeply,
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  Speaker 1: but the pain has been so great that my husband
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  Speaker 1: now wants to leave. Please help.
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  Speaker 2: First, let me say something about the husband's idea that
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  Speaker 2: it may not have been God's will for them to marry.
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  Speaker 2: That's the wrong question to ask. The question is is
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  Speaker 2: this marriage with this woman and this man God's will
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  Speaker 2: for you?
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  Speaker 1: Now?
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  Speaker 2: That's the question, and the answer to that question biblically
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  Speaker 2: is yes, absolutely yes, this marriage is God's will for you.
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  Speaker 2: There is no other right woman for this man to
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  Speaker 2: be with, and there is no other right man for
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  Speaker 2: this woman to be with, Because the rightness of being
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  Speaker 2: with a woman or a man in marriage is established
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  Speaker 2: not by the quality of the person, but by the
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  Speaker 2: nature of the covenant. When a man and a woman
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  Speaker 2: leave mother and father and express by covenantal vows that
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  Speaker 2: they will be husband and wife to each other. In
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  Speaker 2: that act, God creates a marriage in which those two
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  Speaker 2: people are the right people to be married, even if
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  Speaker 2: they should not have gotten married. That the meaning of
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  Speaker 2: the covenant. It doesn't depend on the quality of the
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  Speaker 2: person in the covenant. That's why vows include words like
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  Speaker 2: for better or for worse. For worse, that's the first
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  Speaker 2: thing to settle, especially for this husband. God created the
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  Speaker 2: marriage covenant, and the covenant defines the rightful husband and wife.
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  Speaker 2: This is emphasized by Jesus with the strongest words of
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  Speaker 2: lifelong permanence of the covenant. For example, Luke sixteen eighteen.
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  Speaker 2: Everyone who divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery,
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  Speaker 2: and he who marries a woman divorced from her husband
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  Speaker 2: commits adultery. Strong words or Mark ten to seven. A
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  Speaker 2: man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast
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  Speaker 2: to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
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  Speaker 2: So they are no longer too, but one flesh. What
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  Speaker 2: therefore God has joined together. What God has joined together,
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  Speaker 2: not just humans, God has joined together. Let not man separate.
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  Speaker 2: Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her.
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  Speaker 2: And if she divorces her husband and marries another, she
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  Speaker 2: commits adultery. In other words, in every marriage, this woman,
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  Speaker 2: this man in this marriage is the rightful covenant partner.
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  Speaker 2: This man in this marriage, not just the woman, not
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  Speaker 2: just the man, is the rightful covenant partner. Separation happen.
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  Speaker 2: But the question, then, in a separation like theirs, is
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  Speaker 2: what should you do? And Paul addresses that question very
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  Speaker 2: directly in one Corinthians seventeen. To the married, I give
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  Speaker 2: the charge, not I, but the Lord. The wife should
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  Speaker 2: not separate from her husband, but if she does, she
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  Speaker 2: should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband.
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  Speaker 2: And the husband should not divorce his wife. In other words,
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  Speaker 2: the Biblical answer to siparation is reconciliation. It won't be easy,
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  Speaker 2: lifelong marriage has never been easy. Good grief, what lies
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  Speaker 2: in front of you? In tackling this reconciliation and another
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  Speaker 2: thirty or forty years together isn't going to be easy.
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  Speaker 2: It's just going to be glorious as God gives grice.
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  Speaker 2: And I hope you get all the way to the end.
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  Speaker 2: I hope, I hope you get all the help that
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  Speaker 2: you need from good Christian friends in a healthy church,
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  Speaker 2: and perhaps a good biblical counselor along the way. But
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  Speaker 2: let me say just a couple of things to this husband.
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  Speaker 2: You do carry, and I hope, I hope this wife
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  Speaker 2: will share it with him and he'll be willing to
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  Speaker 2: listen and and just hear me as your I'm on
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  Speaker 2: your side. I want, I want this thing to work
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  Speaker 2: for your good and God's glory. You, you do carry
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  Speaker 2: the greater burden, because that's what headship means. God holds
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  Speaker 2: you me uniquely accountable, not for your wife's sins, but
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  Speaker 2: for steps toward healing and forgiveness and reconciliation. This is
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  Speaker 2: what makes headship so difficult. Men bear the unique and
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  Speaker 2: heavy responsibility for going ahead. That's what it means. You
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  Speaker 2: go ahead and take initiative to fix what's broken. Doesn't
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  Speaker 2: matter whose fault it is, it's your headship that is
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  Speaker 2: being called upon now in its glorious calling. You may
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  Speaker 2: not succeed, you may not, but you will die trying right.
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  Speaker 2: You will die trying to do the right thing for
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  Speaker 2: your wife and yourself and your God. And a man's
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  Speaker 2: courage and perseverance and wisdom is going to be shown
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  Speaker 2: in the ruggedness with which he refuses to give up.
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  Speaker 2: Come on, you're going to refuse to give up your life.
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  Speaker 2: You're a man, You're the head. You take responsibility, and
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  Speaker 2: you do everything in your power until you're dead to
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  Speaker 2: make this work. That's what it means to be a
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  Speaker 2: man and a husband. The model for your headship in
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  Speaker 2: marriages Jesus and his relationship to the Church. And oh
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  Speaker 2: what a mess his bride is. We are husbands. Love
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  Speaker 2: your wives as Christ loved the church that blows you away,
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  Speaker 2: and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her,
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  Speaker 2: having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word,
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  Speaker 2: so that he might present the Church to himself in splendor,
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  Speaker 2: without spot or wrinkle, or any such thing, that she
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  Speaker 2: might be holy and without blemish. In the same way
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  Speaker 2: husbands love their wives. They love their wives like their
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  Speaker 2: own bodies if they're like Christ. He who loves his
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  Speaker 2: wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh,
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  Speaker 2: but nourishes and cherishes it, as Christ does the Church,
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  Speaker 2: because remembers his body. Therefore, a man shall leave his
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  Speaker 2: father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and
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  Speaker 2: the two shall become miracle of miracles, one flesh that
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  Speaker 2: still exists. Brother, this mystery is profound, Paul says, and
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  Speaker 2: I'm saying it refers to Christ and the Church. This
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  Speaker 2: is the great and high calling of being a husband
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  Speaker 2: in marriage. You are called to love and sacrifice, and serve,
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  Speaker 2: and save and sanctify. Not because you are Christ, you're not,
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  Speaker 2: but because you represent Christ in this drama, and because
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  Speaker 2: you are empowered by Christ. It is a glorious, if
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  Speaker 2: painful calling. And I would simply encourage you. Be the
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  Speaker 2: one who takes the initiative to call attention to the
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  Speaker 2: miracle working power of God. For you and your wife,
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  Speaker 2: be the one who sees the miracle. What is impossible
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  Speaker 2: with man is possible with God, Jesus, said Luke eighteen seventeen.
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  Speaker 2: He causes a virgin to give birth. He causes the
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  Speaker 2: postman apausal woman to conceive. He causes the lame to
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  Speaker 2: walk in, the blind to see, and the deaf to hear,
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  Speaker 2: and the lepers to be cleansed, and water to turn
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  Speaker 2: into wine, and wind and waves to stop and cease
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  Speaker 2: at his command. He raises people from the dead, and
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  Speaker 2: he reigns alive in heaven as our sovereign today over
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  Speaker 2: your marriage. So obedient Christian husbands do not walk away
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  Speaker 2: from their marriages, especially when a wife is deeply repentant
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  Speaker 2: and eager to do the necessary work, imperfect as she is.
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  Speaker 2: So in summary to both of you, your marriage is
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  Speaker 2: God's will for you. This woman is God's wife for you.
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  Speaker 2: This man is God's husband for you. Your marriage is for
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  Speaker 2: a lifetime. Your calling as a husband is to love
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  Speaker 2: her like Christ loves the Church, and she is to
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  Speaker 2: respect and honor that leadership. Your first task as a
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  Speaker 2: Christian head of your home is to trust in the sovereign,
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  Speaker 2: miracle working power of God.
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  Speaker 1: Hey man, thank you, Pastor John Hard. Marriage is divorce
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  Speaker 1: and domestic abuse. So there's three tough topics that come
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  Speaker 1: up a lot on this podcast, cover from a number
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  Speaker 1: of different angles. As you'll quickly see in the digestive episodes,
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  Speaker 1: in the APJ book, pages one ninety twenty one if
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  Speaker 1: you want more on what we've covered in the past,
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  Speaker 1: and thanks for joining us today. I have a question
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  Speaker 1: to ask Pastor John. Find a link to email us
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  Speaker 1: and find our complete episode archives pastor John dot com.
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  Speaker 1: Every episode with audio and full transcripts available for you.
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  Speaker 1: Twenty four to seven. Well, what is the purpose of
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  Speaker 1: my life on this planet? Why do I exist? What
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: am I here to do? What does it mean to
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  Speaker 1: be productive? How should I respond to my most unproductive days?
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  Speaker 1: And how do I fight my own lazy tendencies that
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  Speaker 1: impede that productivity? All super important questions, and we're back
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  Speaker 1: to that theme next time. I'm Tony Ranky. See you
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  Speaker 1: on Thursday.