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Transcript

109 | Bobbing for Knives · You Didn't Ask For This

0:00
Matt: Matthew.
0:01
Eric: Yes, sir, are you familiar with Jepson's Malort?
0:07
Matt: Yes, Eric, I am in name only.
0:09
Matt: I've never tried this nasty thing.
0:11
Eric: Oh you've never had it.
0:12
Matt: Yeah, because everyone says it's gross, except literally you.
0:15
Matt: Yeah, no, it's, except literally you.
0:18
Matt: Who's like oh, we got to get some Malort.
0:20
Matt: Everybody else uses it as a punchline.
0:22
Matt: Anyway, continue with your setup.
0:24
Eric: Speaking of lord, everybody else uses it as a punch line.
0:26
Eric: Anyway, continue with your setup.
0:27
Eric: Speaking of, uh, I just I think about the lives we lead, because you and I, like, I consider you one of my bestest friends and I use her, but, like, and this is, we can say it yeah, we are vastly different human beings.
0:43
Matt: Oh, you don't fucking say, as we all are.
0:46
Matt: Yeah, as we all are.
0:47
Matt: No, we're very different people.
0:49
Matt: You remain an enigma to me.
0:53
Eric: Yeah, yeah, I truly.
0:54
Eric: We baffle each other at times.
0:57
Matt: Well, I often express that you baffle me.
0:59
Matt: You've hardly expressed that I baffle you.
1:02
Eric: No, you're not Matthew.
1:04
Eric: You are many things Handsome, brilliant witty, but baffling to me.
1:09
Matt: No.
1:10
Eric: Okay, it's one of the things I appreciate.
1:12
Eric: I'm like you're my true north, you're my fucking, you're my compass.
1:21
Matt: I'm happy for that.
1:22
Matt: I'm happy for that, said I.
1:28
Eric: Continuing sentences that make sense.
1:29
Eric: So I I only preface that with.
1:30
Eric: I'm going to tell you a story about what I did at mag fest for those great and I assume it is malort fueled.
1:38
Matt: Oh boy, is it um.
1:40
Matt: I'm without knowing the story.
1:47
Eric: Um, without knowing the story, strap in folks.
1:48
Eric: Uh.
1:53
Eric: So for those of you don't know, um, I attend and sit on the board of a uh 501C3 nonprofit called mag fest music and gaming festival.
1:56
Eric: It's hosted in Maryland.
1:57
Eric: Each year we get over 20,000 attendees each year.
2:01
Eric: It's a national Harbor.
2:02
Eric: It celebrates music and games and all those things we sold out again this year.
2:07
Eric: Humblebrag and I've been attending MAGFest since like the early 2010s, about three years ago and, matt, to this day I could not tell you why.
2:18
Eric: Sorry, let me back this up even further.
2:20
Eric: About 10 years ago, when you go to the gaylord national harbor resort where magfest is hosted, it's in national harbor, gigantic hotel on this island that is so manufactured and artificial, like it is bougie as hell.
2:37
Eric: It is, and it is so well.
2:40
Matt: Whole, all of national harbor is like that now.
2:42
Eric: No, that's what I mean, yeah like all of like the vibe of national harbor.
2:46
Eric: When you're there, you feel like you're in the hunger games, but like in a city where they watch the hunger games oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, like, yeah, I get it yeah, um, I am in the wrong tax bracket.
2:59
Eric: It's the only way I can ever stay in that hotel yeah, no, you don't belong there, no god, no, it's like marble floors and like an atrium that, like the, there is an entire.
3:10
Matt: You can't be around marble.
3:12
Eric: There's a little village inside the hotel, in the atrium, where the actual trees are growing out of the ground inside like full-size trees can you believe it?
3:22
Matt: folks trees on the indoors.
3:25
Eric: They got they got what them outdoor things, but in the insides there's also in national harbor, a ferris wheel.
3:35
Eric: Yeah, that's true, I have never ridden this ferris wheel.
3:39
Eric: I could.
3:40
Eric: You can pay, you can get on it and like, get like.
3:43
Matt: But usually I've seen it many times from the road.
3:46
Matt: It's a feature.
3:48
Eric: It is a feature Of the National Harbor.
3:49
Eric: It's a feature, it's the conversation piece.
3:51
Eric: I've never ridden it and I think what happened is about like nine or 10 years ago.
3:56
Eric: Someone was like why have we never ridden that Ferris wheel?
4:00
Eric: And just off the dome said, oh, ferris wheel's haunted.
4:04
Eric: Oh, ferris wheel.
4:05
Eric: And just off the dome said oh, ferris wheels haunted.
4:07
Eric: Oh, ferris wheels haunted, haunted, ferris, haunted Ferris wheel.
4:09
Eric: The Ferris wheel is haunted.
4:12
Eric: And, matt, for the past 10 years at mag fest I have been social engineering the room in every just cat.
4:21
Eric: The first couple of years I just walked through the convention, just like you know, nodding to people.
4:25
Eric: First couple of years I just walked through the convention, just like you know, nodding to people as I go by like hey, just so you know Ferris wheel is haunted, and like no explanation, just keep walking.
4:32
Eric: Yeah, uh, on any mag fest, social media posts and stuff.
4:35
Eric: If I'm commenting every now and then I'll just pepper in a oh, by the way, ferris wheels on it, nice, um.
4:40
Eric: And to really cement this lore and this has been built out over time.
4:46
Matt: Sure, yeah Like more and more people like it.
4:47
Eric: just this is a long-term bit.
4:49
Eric: Ferris wheel's haunted.
4:50
Eric: It's fucking haunted.
4:51
Eric: So what I did about three years ago and again I could not tell you why- I was just going to say.
4:59
Matt: At any point did you educate yourself on what the actual lore of this haunting might be?
5:06
Eric: oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
5:07
Eric: I cannot expand expound or expand beyond that.
5:13
Matt: Sure, yeah, absolutely gotta keep them interested that absolutely scans talk about true north poach all I.
5:21
Eric: All I will say or have said about the ferris wheel is that it has claimed.
5:25
Eric: Many souls have not explained how absolutely can't tell them how.
5:30
Matt: That's something I'm sure national harbor wants you just putting out there.
5:33
Eric: Oh yeah they love it.
5:34
Eric: So what I did about three years ago is I decided I wanted to start a new tradition at mag fest.
5:39
Eric: Um, because it's a thursday through sunday event.
5:42
Eric: Yeah, and this is something I do of my own accord.
5:45
Eric: This has no official MAGFest.
5:48
Eric: This is literally something I organize in a private Facebook group.
5:52
Matt: Thank you.
5:53
Matt: You're legally covered board member.
5:54
Eric: Thank you, oh yeah, everything I'm about to say is a joke to the people who also work at MAGFest and also know what I'm about to talk about.
6:02
Eric: Work at mag fest and also know what I'm about to talk about.
6:07
Eric: So a couple years ago I decided that to kick off the weekend at the stroke of midnight on thursday, meaning, you know, technically friday morning.
6:12
Eric: At that point we're starting off this weekend to give the vibe of mag fest.
6:17
Eric: It is burning man for indoor kids, it is fuck.
6:21
Eric: It's running 24 hours a day.
6:24
Eric: There are parties happening nonstop.
6:26
Eric: I get to bed by 6 am.
6:28
Eric: If I'm lucky, it is a we go horde.
6:32
Eric: So to kick off the weekend, three years ago I was like, okay, new Facebook event, let's all do a shot of Malort in front of the Ferris wheel.
6:41
Eric: Yes, and I started this little Facebook group.
6:44
Eric: I said, hey, hey, here's the deal ferris wheels haunted and to commemorate those we have lost, at the stroke of midnight on thursday, we're all going to gather, we're all going to walk outside in january, to the edge of the water of national harbor and in, in full view of that accursed wheel, we're all going to do a shot of malort.
7:04
Eric: At the stroke of midnight we will have one minute of uninterrupted silence and then we will all look around at each other and in one voice say, uh, malort, and, and, and go, oh.
7:16
Eric: And the other thing is, at the stroke of midnight, before we do the shot, we all raise our glasses and say in one voice oh my Lord, nice.
7:24
Eric: And then we, we do the shot, nice.
7:26
Eric: And then we walk in a minute of minute of silence and then we disperse.
7:31
Eric: The first year I did it, I, I, I put the event out there, I invited, I invited people, god you know.
7:38
Eric: So I was like who's going to show?
7:38
Eric: Yeah, first did it.
7:47
Eric: I'd say we had a healthy 20 or so people, oh, all right.
7:48
Eric: Which I was like all right, oh all right, sure, matt.
7:50
Eric: This past year I had like 150 people whoa, eric, that's a lot of malort are you supplying?
7:58
Eric: the malort.
7:58
Eric: So here's the beauty of it matt, great, no great okay, so where's it coming from?
8:06
Matt: the sea so matt?
8:08
Eric: this is the beauty of community, that's what I want to talk about yeah, tell me, tell me the beauty of community, bound together by the tie that is malort, matt, let me tell you and this is this is how I know we are such vastly different people if you were planning uh, if you were planning a similar event, I know for a fucking fact you would have an itinerary, you would have, you would have instructions, you would oh, you mean it would be organized, you would.
8:40
Eric: You would predict, like, based on current projections, we expect to get this many bottles of Malignant Fuck off based on current projections.
8:49
Matt: You malicious, maligning asshole.
8:55
Eric: Matthew, you have the most spreadsheets of any human I have ever known.
9:00
Matt: Eric, I'm a fucking data specialist.
9:03
Eric: Eric, I'm a fucking data specialist, yeah, okay, matt, you have the most spreadsheets removed from your job of any person.
9:11
Eric: I know.
9:12
Matt: Well, I guess you haven't met my wife, because I think she might have me tapped out there.
9:21
Eric: That's fair, but yours are far more frivolous.
9:27
Eric: What did you just say to me?
9:30
Eric: We're going to have a segment one day where I'm gonna.
9:31
Eric: I want to go through.
9:31
Eric: I want to read the tight.
9:32
Eric: I want to read the the categories of your spreadsheets.
9:33
Matt: I want to read them to fucking filth and I want you to look at nine let me just say, for both your benefit and the listeners, I appreciate you're trying to do a little joke a little bit.
9:42
Matt: You don't know what the fuck you're talking about.
9:45
Matt: You don't know what kind of darkness lurks in these tabs.
9:48
Matt: You have no fucking clue about my spreadsheets.
9:52
Matt: You don't know about my sheets and the freakishness I get up into in them.
10:03
Matt: Just getting nasty in the sheets I will I will say, there is a very popular mug.
10:10
Matt: There's a million different versions of it.
10:12
Matt: That is like an excel spreadsheet that just says I'm a freak in the sheets god, you need that mug jesus, I have wanted that for a long time you know have we talked about.
10:23
Eric: You know, there's an Excel sheet Olympics right.
10:27
Matt: I'm not, and this is what I mean by you're maligning me.
10:30
Matt: I'm not that good, I'm not an Excel.
10:34
Matt: I'd say I'm an Excel expert probably, but I am not an Excel like aficionado.
10:41
Matt: I'm not even a journeyman.
10:43
Matt: Well, like I remember at my old job, my boss, when, when we do like a screen share, we were working together at the same time or whatever the eric, the things she could do to a spreadsheet, I'll tell you I just sit, I just sit back and be like what?
11:00
Matt: formula.
11:01
Matt: Is that, my god, my formulas?
11:04
Matt: How'd she do these?
11:04
Eric: macros, could she be.
11:05
Eric: Don't that, my God, these macros.
11:06
Eric: Could she be?
11:08
Matt: Don't get me started on macros.
11:09
Matt: The first time I ran a macro, eric, you felt like God.
11:14
Matt: I creamed my jeans.
11:15
Eric: I don't mind saying it no same, bro, same.
11:18
Eric: But all that to say yes, yes all that to say?
11:24
Matt: what could you possibly be wrapping that up with?
11:27
Eric: All that to say.
11:27
Eric: That's how you would organize midnight Malort shots.
11:30
Eric: Yes, it would be organized.
11:33
Eric: This guy does it.
11:35
Eric: I lean on the power of fucking community, my friend.
11:38
Eric: Here's what I do.
11:39
Eric: I I put.
11:41
Eric: I make one post where I'm like, hey, you made a post.
11:44
Eric: That in itself is a rarity.
11:46
Eric: I was like 11.45, meet me, atrium, by the fountain that looks like two dicks or a uterus.
11:53
Eric: If you saw a picture of the fountain you would know what I mean.
11:57
Eric: I'd take your word for it.
11:58
Eric: And then at 11.55, we walk the fuck outside at midnight, do shot of silence, boom, we're done.
12:06
Eric: And and matthew, I have to believe in my community.
12:09
Eric: I have to believe that these things will just sort of, you know, work themselves out.
12:14
Eric: And sure, fucking enough, malort, everyone has some.
12:18
Eric: There's enough for everybody.
12:19
Eric: There's no way it's all malort there's no way.
12:22
Matt: It's all malort people show up.
12:24
Eric: You don't know that.
12:25
Eric: No, I, I'm there with the group as p matt.
12:28
Eric: Someone brought a case one year, someone, okay, well okay, that's different.
12:33
Eric: Yeah, people show up to this matt.
12:35
Eric: They're pulling it out of backpacks, out of like hidden storage compartments flasks yeah, you want to know why.
12:43
Matt: they said I want to be part of this thing, but I know there's no goddamn organization surrounding it, so I better procure my own fucking Malort.
12:53
Matt: I can't believe we've spent this long talking about Malort.
12:56
Eric: Organization leaves evidence.
12:57
Eric: Matthew, I have to believe in the community.
12:59
Eric: This is a grassroots Malort event.
13:03
Matt: Grassroots are by very definition.
13:06
Matt: Grassroots are organized.
13:07
Matt: Continue.
13:08
Eric: Yeah, Matt, I'll leave you with this, Please do.
13:12
Eric: We were at like 150 people this year.
13:14
Eric: This thing has gotten like huge.
13:16
Eric: It's actually it's growing at a rate that.
13:20
Matt: I will soon be concerned, and okay you should be.
13:23
Matt: But I will say because you want to know why it's not fucking organized.
13:27
Matt: As the former front of house manager is speaking now, as the former patron manager, I have to say to you you should be concerned about 200 plus people with no sort of organization and alcohol involved plus people with no sort of organization and alcohol involved.
13:49
Eric: But anyway, oh, matt, magfest is 22 000 people plus alcohol, with no sort of supervision involved um, yes, I, I imagine there's all kinds of depravity but that's if, if any of this actually happened, which didn't because what?
14:00
Matt: I'm saying to you, I'm trying to believe it.
14:02
Matt: Not, Eric, I'm trying to pay you a compliment, Just like oh oh, oh, sorry, Sorry, stop, stop the bits.
14:10
Matt: The fact that those 150 people are gathering for this Malort toast, for absolutely no purpose or reason, is 100% because of you.
14:21
Matt: They're doing it because it's your bit, it's your idea, and I don't need to be there to know what sort of ringmaster-esque energy you're bringing to the situation.
14:35
Matt: And I don't even mean it as a joke.
14:37
Matt: I mean, like you bring communities together, matthew, you do Thank you.
14:41
Matt: So they're there.
14:42
Matt: They're not toasting to Malort, they're not toasting to this Ferris wheel communities together, matthew, you do Thank you.
14:45
Matt: So they're there.
14:45
Matt: They're not toasting to Malort.
14:47
Matt: They're not toasting to this Ferris wheel, eric, they're toasting to you.
14:51
Eric: Well, thank you and Matt, to, to, to, to exemplify that wonderful compliment you just paid me this year.
15:00
Eric: I could not have been more proud, Matt didn't plan this either.
15:03
Eric: We this year.
15:04
Eric: I could not have been more proud, matt didn't plan this either.
15:05
Eric: We do the shot and, as during the minute of silence, I hear something light up behind me and I feel light.
15:11
Eric: I turn around, matt, people have sparklers and they start passing around sparklers and they start singing the national anthem using only the word Malort, malort, mal, malort, malort, and it was the most beautiful patriotic thing I have ever witnessed in my entire fucking life.
15:36
Eric: And not a single spreadsheet was used.
15:43
Matt: It's so fucking dumb you know we try to keep these cold opens to like five minutes, right, nope, right.
15:50
Matt: You know that that's the goal.
15:52
Matt: That's the goal.
15:53
Matt: Short little ditty.
15:55
Eric: Yep, it's supposed to be the name of the game.
15:57
Eric: A little ditty, more it goes down with a ditty.
15:59
Matt: Just fine, jeez, no oh you said you tell no, no, no, I ain't cutting that I ain't cutting that did he did he sponsors my lord?
16:10
Eric: huh, did he?
16:11
Eric: Did he stay away from my fucking lord?
16:27
Matt: Oh gosh, let's just go right into it.
16:29
Matt: Huh Well, thank you all for joining us.
16:32
Matt: Hello everybody, and welcome to you.
16:35
Matt: Didn't Ask For this, the podcast that answers you, didn't that?
16:39
Eric: answers.
16:39
Eric: You didn't think we would answer your questions, but we're gonna the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions.
16:47
Matt: My name is Matthew Shea my name's.
16:51
Matt: Eric Poach.
16:51
Matt: Eric Poach, I know how you are Divine.
16:56
Matt: I don't need to answer your question.
16:58
Matt: I don't need to ask you how are you, how are you Fine, I love.
17:04
Matt: Also, we should address that this episode is being recorded a day after it's scheduled recording, because both of us texted each other to say, hey, I don't think I can do the show today, because I didn't sleep at all last night due to anxiety, and both of us were like, wow, that's incredible.
17:21
Matt: You know what, eric?
17:22
Matt: That just means our cycles are synced.
17:25
Eric: Oh my God, it finally happened it finally happened.
17:29
Matt: buddy, there it is.
17:30
Eric: Our anxiety is synced.
17:32
Matt: I think it is, and that just shows that we are one.
17:39
Eric: I'll be at work and just like, suddenly like fall over and like clutch the side of his head.
17:43
Eric: He was like Eric, what's wrong?
17:44
Eric: It's like oh, it's Matt, he's not drinking enough water.
17:48
Eric: Oh, he needs to unclench his jaw.
17:50
Matt: Oh well, okay.
17:51
Matt: The first thing is probably almost never true, because I do go through like three of my giant yetis a day.
17:57
Matt: The second is always true my jaw is always clenched.
18:02
Matt: Same, same bro, all Always true my jaws always clench.
18:04
Eric: Same, same bro.
18:04
Eric: All right, eric, should we get?
18:05
Matt: Oh, he's angry, he's angry Well that's definitely always a factor of my daily life, eric.
18:10
Matt: I think we should get into it.
18:13
Eric: Let's do the goddamn thing.
18:15
Matt: Now I'm just checking the thought line here and I got a message.
18:18
Matt: Eric, should we take it?
18:19
Matt: Oh, take it, baby.
18:22
Mike: Hey, matt and Eric, it's your old friend Mike Puri Jr.
18:26
Mike: Mike Puri Jr, second time caller, one time guest, but hopefully another time guest.
18:33
Mike: I'm sure I wanted to call in and talk a little bi t about your dad, matt, that your dad's conspiracy about the student driver stickers.
18:40
Mike: I have also noted a ton of of those on the way home after listening to your podcast.
18:47
Mike: There's like a oh, first time driver, student driver thing and my conspiracy about it is that I think just bad drivers who know they're bad drivers, who don't want to improve and want to drive recklessly, are putting them on their cars to excuse that to other drivers so they don't have to face any repercussions, sort of like what Eric was saying.
19:05
Mike: Also, on the point of conspiracies, I would be remiss if I didn't mention that my wife, lacey Riley, and I wrote a movie together called the Conspiracists, which is coming out this year.
19:22
Mike: It's a feature film.
19:23
Mike: I directed it.
19:25
Mike: It's awesome.
19:25
Mike: It's shot in Delaware mostly, but a little bit in Maryland, and I'm super proud of it.
19:30
Mike: It's coming out.
19:31
Mike: I had to mention it.
19:32
Mike: Love you guys, miss you and keep on rocking the free world.
19:38
Mike: Hell, yeah, okay, I don't know what that means.
19:43
Matt: Well, thank you, Mike.
19:45
Matt: Thank you, Mike, so good to hear from you again.
19:48
Matt: And yes, the comedy mockumentary, the Conspiracists Comedy mockumentary, the Conspiracists.
19:55
Matt: You can find out some information at theconspiracistscom if you're so interested folks.
20:02
Matt: Yeah, I know he was shooting that all over the summer, I want to say, and into the fall.
20:09
Eric: Just to throw this out here.
20:11
Eric: Throw it out because mike perry, as as always a trailblazer, because he he has introduced an element into the thought line that I would encourage everyone to do, which is plug your cool shit, plug your cool shit, we'll plug it.
20:28
Matt: Plug your shit promote shamelessly, shamelessly promote it and god, we want to hear about your cool shit.
20:36
Matt: So just, and to finish the shameless promotion theconspiracistscom.
20:42
Matt: You can keep up with the film and when it's going to be released and you can see it on your various platforms or wherever they're going to release it.
20:52
Matt: I don't know, I didn't make this when we know, we'll tell you.
20:56
Eric: We'll tell you.
20:57
Eric: We'll tell you feed you baby birds.
20:59
Eric: Fucking google it.
21:00
Eric: The man called into the thought line, took the time out of his dialed our number, told you about the movie.
21:08
Eric: We're telling you about the movie.
21:09
Eric: What, what more do you want?
21:11
Eric: What do you want from us god?
21:13
Eric: Well, we, you want from us God.
21:15
Matt: Well, we could answer the question.
21:16
Eric: Okay, so new driver stickers as a camouflage of sorts for bad drivers?
21:23
Matt: Yes, and this is, of course, based on my dad's bingo square that they're well the bingo square, based on my dad's theory that there is some sort of conspiracy surrounding fake quote, unquote, fake student driver, new driver, whatever stickers and I agree, I'm looking around when I'm driving, eric, I see them all the time.
21:46
Matt: Yeah, I don't think I ever drive my car these days without seeing some sort of new driver.
21:55
Matt: Yeah, ooh, forgive me, new driver, yeah.
21:56
Eric: Forgive me, new driver and like there can't be that many people, no I mean, like there can't be that many new, there can't be that many children on this planet.
22:07
Matt: Not only that, eric.
22:08
Matt: When you were learning to drive, did your parents slap a new driver sticker to the back of your car?
22:13
Matt: Fuck, no, fuck, no, that's what I'm saying.
22:17
Eric: there's some sort of grand cover-up going on yeah, my folks are like oh, you want to drive like a grown-up, you can die like one.
22:27
Matt: I was like damn pap, son of damn rick damn eric have you brought this up with your therapist, because I feel like this might be Not yet, I'm working up to it.
22:39
Eric: I feel like this might be a deep sea issue.
22:41
Eric: It's fine.
22:43
Eric: No, the most traumatic part of my early driving experience was that I was driving a 95 Pontiac Grand Am that did not work from day one.
22:54
Eric: No, I cherished that car.
22:57
Eric: Of course I'm grateful for that car.
22:59
Eric: What was?
22:59
Matt: its name.
23:02
Eric: Oh, what was its name?
23:04
Eric: I?
23:04
Matt: already.
23:04
Matt: Am ashamed that you don't know.
23:06
Eric: I know Well because I've had my Jeep for 13 years, I name all my vehicles.
23:11
Eric: 14 years, I name all my vehicles.
23:12
Eric: My Jeep has a name.
23:14
Matt: I believe if you're going to be in a relationship with an automobile and by driving one day in, day out and trusting it with your life, baby, you're in a relationship with that vehicle.
23:25
Matt: You've got to have a name, you've got to be able to talk to that car.
23:29
Eric: My Jeep has a name, but most people don't know it.
23:33
Matt: I'll tell you this, speaking of grand, grand dams, not only did my dad have a grand dam for a long time, but when I was first really just first dating lindsey okay courting my.
23:46
Matt: I got into this.
23:47
Matt: I got into a car accident with my um, my malibu, my chevy malibu, my mom's car that I loved.
23:56
Eric: Wait.
23:56
Eric: So you got in a car accident with your mom's car.
24:00
Matt: Yeah, it was given to me.
24:01
Matt: It was my mom's old car.
24:02
Matt: It became my car.
24:03
Matt: I got into an accident with it.
24:05
Eric: I got into an accident with my mom's car.
24:07
Matt: We have many things in common and it was totaled so it had to go and I would end up getting a grand prix as a result as a fun fact.
24:19
Matt: But in the meantime, lindsey's dad had this purple grand am that he would.
24:24
Matt: I had not met the man yet and was like, oh, he can drive this car if he needs a car, because I was living off campus at the time at Towson, so I need I actually needed some sort of vehicle to get to school.
24:38
Matt: Uh, and it was not road safe at all.
24:44
Matt: It would randomly shut itself off in the middle of the road.
24:48
Matt: I'd have to pull over.
24:49
Matt: And then when they went to trade that car in, they were like, oh yeah, we can't give you much for this because this is not road safe.
24:56
Matt: And I said I could have fucking told you that I could.
25:00
Matt: Uh, yeah, so really, my, my future father-in-law was trying to kill me.
25:03
Matt: Is what I'm trying to say?
25:04
Eric: yeah yeah, it scans um.
25:07
Eric: Let me tell you this tell me, god damn it because this goes all the way to the top, oh uh, the other way it goes all the way to the bottom down the street from me, uh-huh, where I live, yeah, sleepy suburb of baltimore, sure sleepy.
25:23
Eric: There is a in a in a sleep deprived suburb of baltimore.
25:30
Eric: Sure better there is a flea market, uh-huh.
25:34
Eric: That happens every weekend and has happened every weekend for like more longer than I've been alive.
25:41
Eric: I've been going to this thing since I was a kid.
25:43
Eric: My folks would take me there, and now, as as a man, a grand tradition, truly grand, and and bro, it is the.
25:52
Eric: It is the most wonderful, sketchiest flea market.
25:56
Eric: And when I say sketchy I don't mean like you're never in danger, but you feel when you step in, you feel like you've stepped into blade runner.
26:02
Eric: It is like all of these.
26:04
Eric: You walk into this building just fucking.
26:07
Eric: Hundreds of these slap dash cobbled together like individual merchant stalls with all kinds of osha has never even looked at this place.
26:20
Eric: Osha could never.
26:22
Eric: Osha could never.
26:24
Eric: Uh, like crazy ass.
26:27
Eric: Neon signs everywhere you could see like the decades of nicotine stains back, like on the walls.
26:33
Eric: Back for what people could smoke in there, tasty.
26:35
Eric: They sell everything.
26:37
Eric: Any kind of shitty knife you could ever desire you will find there.
26:41
Eric: Oh god, um, uh.
26:43
Eric: But you can also buy.
26:45
Eric: There's one dude who just straight up sells.
26:47
Eric: Buy like the basket, sells like the front yard signs for security systems for like, like fucking cells.
26:55
Eric: I think that's illegal or something oh it's probably is.
27:00
Eric: I think there is some sort of law against it, bro, I need to take you to the flea market.
27:05
Matt: I need to take you to this flea market I actually need to do you, daft and afraid in this flea eric, I was just about to suggest it's a perfect.
27:12
Matt: We were just and folks.
27:14
Matt: We were just talking I won't reveal anything.
27:15
Matt: We were just and folks.
27:16
Matt: We were just talking, I won't reveal anything.
27:17
Matt: We were just talking about our next Yadavton, afraid to get one in before we hit the year mark from the last one.
27:23
Matt: We were talking about our next Yadavton, afraid and this sounds like a good candidate.
27:28
Matt: And, eric, I'll tell you what.
27:30
Matt: I fuck with the flea market.
27:31
Matt: I fuck with any sort of antique store I love.
27:36
Eric: You will fucks with this flea market.
27:38
Matt: Much to my wife's chagrin.
27:39
Matt: I love a tchotchke.
27:41
Matt: Oh, we love a tchotchke.
27:42
Matt: I love a tchotchke.
27:44
Matt: I love a thing.
27:45
Matt: I love a thing that I can own.
27:47
Eric: Give me an object that I can look at and hold in my hand and say this is mine, this is mine I own this and this goes back all the way to when I was a wee infant.
27:57
Matt: I remember I was at a Baubles Baubles.
28:01
Matt: I remember once I was at a yard sale and there was some ugly.
28:06
Matt: I can't stress enough how ugly this stuffed animal possum was.
28:12
Eric: You had to have it, and I had to have it, you had to have it.
28:15
Matt: I had to have that possum had to have had to have it I had to have that possible, god, yes, and I guess I did, I got and I respect that.
28:21
Eric: So, yeah, this you will love the flea market we're going, but to that end they this guy also sells like the new.
28:29
Eric: He sells the new, the new driver like magnets and shit like they sell, they sell and they sell and anyone can buy them.
28:36
Eric: Anyone can buy them.
28:38
Eric: Follow the money Follow the money.
28:41
Matt: Eric, I think you're at the pulse of this.
28:43
Matt: You?
28:43
Matt: I think I'm at the episode.
28:44
Matt: Yeah, dude, I think you might be at the epicenter.
28:49
Eric: I don't think we can air this we're gonna, we're gonna, you're gonna to expose the truth.
28:53
Eric: You're going to find me face down in the gutter with a bunch of very shitty knives in my bag and I will literally know who did it A katana A katana, that's a sword.
29:04
Eric: Oh no, they sell, bro.
29:06
Eric: You know they have a sword stand.
29:09
Matt: So you just mean blades, blades of all kinds, of all shapes and sizes.
29:14
Eric: Where you can buy knives by the bucket.
29:17
Eric: A bucket full of knives.
29:21
Eric: All the kids love you.
29:21
Eric: You dip a little scoop, you get in there, scoop them out.
29:25
Matt: Bobbing for knives the most dangerous of games.
29:28
Matt: God, I cannot Bobbing for knives.
29:32
Eric: Oh shit, now you be careful, eli.
29:36
Eric: That one's a quick release.
29:40
Matt: That one's a butterfly there.
29:41
Matt: Be careful, Eli.
29:45
Eric: That was catching butterflies when I was a boy.
29:47
Matt: Illegal in almost all states.
29:49
Matt: But you know it's here in the bucket.
29:52
Eric: We can sell them because they're not made well.
29:55
Matt: They're more of a threat to you than anyone else, as long as we call them a collectible they're fine.
30:01
Matt: Oh yeah.
30:04
Eric: Oh that, yes, that entire building is God just playing so fucking fast and loose with the word collectible, got to, got to.
30:16
Eric: I love a collectible.
30:17
Eric: So, yeah, I do think, uh, that this there is a conspiracy.
30:21
Eric: I think, like you know people, people be throwing them new driver things on.
30:25
Eric: I I if it weren't creepy and probably illegal.
30:29
Eric: No, no, it's probably legal, but like super creepy and I'm never gonna do this to another person.
30:34
Eric: But I would love to catalog, like every time I see new drivers.
30:37
Eric: Cal, take a quick bit.
30:39
Eric: I encourage I guarantee it'll skew like people in, like their 40s I think so.
30:45
Matt: I encourage everyone out there to start documenting the license plates and photos of the drivers.
30:53
Matt: Make sure you get all their personal information.
30:56
Matt: Make sure you get their personal information of the people you see driving a a new driver car, because if they've got the sticker they better have fucking.
31:07
Matt: You know they better be 15.
31:10
Matt: Show me your provisional.
31:11
Matt: Show me your provisional.
31:12
Matt: Show me a provisional fucking.
31:14
Matt: Show me a provisional Fucking citizens arrest them.
31:16
Eric: No, don't do that, we're getting into it.
31:18
Eric: You better be a shitty ass driver for real, because you just learned.
31:24
Matt: We are getting into a bad category of two white guys with a podcast.
31:29
Eric: So you know what You're right and Matthew, yes, thank you.
31:35
Matt: Do not citizens arrest anyone.
31:36
Matt: Don't, don't, don't.
31:38
Matt: No, it's not really a thing, actually, it's not.
31:41
Eric: It's not real.
31:42
Eric: It's not actually a thing, much like we're about to learn.
31:46
Eric: A lot of things are around here.
31:47
Eric: It's not real, it's not real.
31:50
Matt: So don't do that.
31:51
Matt: But do take a hard look at the driver and you tell me, is it some 16?
31:59
Matt: I said 15 a minute ago, but six.
32:00
Matt: That doesn't really make sense here.
32:02
Matt: 16, 17 year old kid no, I'm willing to bet it's not so documented it's not ram them off of the road, absolutely, because Just fucking.
32:15
Matt: Mario Kart them.
32:16
Matt: How else are we going to prove that there's a conspiracy if you don't throw some banana peels at these drivers?
32:23
Eric: And, if it turns out, you in your zeal.
32:29
Matt: In your righteous zeal In your righteous zeal.
32:33
Eric: If you actually you rammed this car off the road and, like they do, like they roll over, like 15 times, you get over there and it turns out it was actually a student driver.
32:42
Eric: Here's what you do.
32:43
Eric: Tell me as they're crawling from the wreckage.
32:47
Matt: Yes, their whole life, ahead and behind them.
32:50
Eric: As they struggle to unfold their butterfly knife to cut the seatbelt so they can crawl out, and you just kneel down real close and you say welcome to the big leagues bitch, and they'll be a safer driver.
33:02
Eric: I'll tell you that.
33:03
Matt: They'll be more.
33:04
Eric: They'll keep their eyes on the road.
33:06
Matt: They've learned a lesson today, haven't they?
33:08
Eric: They'll know you're lurking.
33:10
Matt: They'll know you're lurking.
33:12
Eric: They'll know you're fucking coming for them.
33:14
Matt: They'll know.
33:15
Matt: You're out there, ready to pounce Yep, ready to strike.
33:19
Matt: Float like a butterfly, sting like a butterfly knife.
33:23
Eric: They will be like a mountain lion the ever-present threat.
33:31
Matt: Yes, absolutely.
33:33
Matt: Just like a puma, like a fucking coot, all right.
33:43
Eric: I think that answers that.
33:44
Matt: I think that answers that A question.
33:46
Matt: I'll be honest, I don't fully remember at this point.
33:49
Eric: Yeah, and I think that's for the best.
33:51
Eric: I think that's for the best.
33:55
Matt: So, whatever it was, I think we answered it okay.
34:02
Matt: So this next question was emailed to us by a good friend of the pod, leo allen jr, which you might recall from the Voluntary Input podcast, which I don't believe he's doing anymore, but you can still find all his blogs and stuff at leoallanjrcom.
34:25
Matt: Good friend of the pod, good friend of the Neatcast pod and our little circle of friends.
34:31
Matt: So, leo, I think this is the first time maybe not that you've written into the show.
34:36
Matt: Thank you so much.
34:37
Matt: I am touched, as am I.
34:40
Matt: Yes, absolutely, and so, leo, you've written in with this question If, from the day you are born, you never bleed, do you live your entire life with the same?
34:52
Eric: blood Matt, I'm going to stop you right there, just going to off the dome this why we may only answer this question using knowledge that is already in our brains.
35:03
Matt: We may not Google anything, okay, I agree with the spirit of what you've put forth.
35:10
Eric: Because, Matt, we could, God, we could Google this.
35:13
Matt: Because I don't even need to Google the answer, Eric, to know that the blood.
35:19
Eric: Oh yeah, matt.
35:19
Eric: What does science have?
35:22
Matt: to say about this.
35:22
Matt: I'll just say, as somebody who does indeed have a blood disorder, I do have the knowledge.
35:29
Matt: Oh yeah, okay, put it back in the deck.
35:31
Matt: That the blood.
35:33
Matt: Put it back in the deck, eric.
35:39
Matt: You know, eric.
35:40
Matt: Oh, you dropped this.
35:42
Matt: Lindsay and I were just talking about your fucking wit and how quick you are, and we were exemplifying this to somebody by talking about the last time you were over here to watch a Wrexham game, a game of soccer, and my wife, lindsay, was talking about Elliot Lee and his giant dick that you can just see flopping around in those shorts of his.
36:12
Matt: Yeah, you just looked at the screen and said so, you don't even remember this.
36:19
Matt: So I know I'm delivering to you a bit that you did.
36:23
Matt: Eric just goes unprompted, with no time to think.
36:28
Matt: He just goes.
36:28
Matt: Someone call the farmer.
36:30
Matt: I just found his hog.
36:33
Eric: Oh, god and see, and that is the the price I pay for.
36:41
Eric: That is my shitty, shitty memory yes, anything that I say.
36:45
Matt: Yes, I can steal any number of bits from you.
36:48
Matt: You oh, man do god yes anyway, take a bit, leave a bit.
36:52
Matt: See, I happen to know that the blood in the body does completely replenish itself, much like cells.
37:01
Matt: You know the old thing of like every so X amount of time all the cells in your body replace.
37:07
Matt: So you're like, technically not the same person.
37:09
Eric: And that that that is like where we're digging, there's taters, exactly that that is like where we're digging there's taters, exactly so, like the.
37:18
Matt: The actual answer, leo allen jr, is that no, the blood, the blood does not stay with you the whole time like as a physical, literal amount of blood.
37:32
Matt: Because, first of all, if you said from the day you're born, so you're going to grow, so there's going to need to be, you know from the day you're born so you're going to grow, so there's going to need to be.
37:37
Matt: You know more blood as you get bigger, so there's that first of all.
37:41
Matt: But then the, the blood I had have now, will not be the blood x days from now.
37:47
Matt: I don't know the number of days and eric won't let me google it, so I can't provide you knowledge and I appreciate that scientific answer.
37:54
Eric: I I appreciate the knowledge that you brought into this, but respectfully fuck that, Okay.
38:01
Matt: Fuck science.
38:02
Matt: Great, not that last bit, but yes.
38:08
Eric: But I do want to talk about.
38:09
Eric: So this is we're like balls deep in the ship of Theseus right now.
38:14
Eric: Sure, absolutely.
38:16
Eric: And for those of you not aware, the ship of Theseus right now.
38:17
Eric: Sure, absolutely.
38:17
Eric: And for those you're not aware, the ship of theseus, the classic philosophical question.
38:20
Eric: They know, there's a ship, you replace parts of the ship over the years and then eventually all the parts get replaced.
38:27
Eric: Is it the same ship?
38:28
Eric: And then if you took all the parts, you took off the ship to replace them and then put them all together and had the same ship, you now have two ships.
38:34
Eric: Which ship is the ship of theseus?
38:35
Eric: Yada, yada, yada.
38:36
Eric: Thank you, eric.
38:38
Eric: So much of our phenomenal world, everything in our phenomenal world, in fact.
38:44
Eric: Oh, everything is impermanent.
38:46
Eric: True, it is ever changing.
38:48
Eric: True, there is, there is nothing that does not change or alter a shift in some way or another.
38:55
Eric: There's no constant.
38:56
Eric: So a yes, you never bleed your blood.
39:01
Eric: So obviously, your blood, you know.
39:02
Eric: Water enters your body.
39:03
Eric: Water becomes blood, why?
39:06
Eric: And then you sweat, you your, your, your water matt what is happening?
39:11
Eric: works matt.
39:12
Eric: What is happening?
39:14
Eric: It will.
39:15
Eric: The blood gotta come from somewhere.
39:17
Matt: You need water, make blood, you drink water body absorb water, eric, and I say this water become blood eric, I say this foolishly, if you say so nice, thank you.
39:31
Eric: it like it's got like I mean where, where, where the fuck else is gonna come from?
39:35
Eric: Not from, not the store you can't run out to.
39:38
Eric: You can't go to H Mart by blood.
39:41
Eric: Well, actually I can buy like pig's blood from H Mart, but that's beside the point, where you get it behind.
39:46
Matt: H Mart.
39:47
Matt: Yeah, in a loading dock, you get it at a Tupperware bowl.
39:58
Eric: Got to meet a guy named Edgar and he'll hook you up with it.
39:59
Eric: So the blood is, is is ever changing, but like everything's changing all the time.
40:01
Eric: Nothing is ever the same thing ever.
40:03
Eric: Like you were just saying all the molecules in your body like swap around.
40:06
Eric: So like using the background and the background assumption of like well, everything is changing anyway, so nothing is truly permanent.
40:14
Eric: You never have the same anything ever, so let's just with.
40:18
Eric: But because everything is always changing and nothing is the same ever, that means everything is the same in that respect.
40:25
Eric: So I think, yeah, using that like whatever that worldview, world view yeah, if you never bleed, uh-huh if you never bleed.
40:40
Eric: Never bleed though never bleed, ever not.
40:44
Eric: You set the world for the day.
40:46
Eric: You're fucking born, eric.
40:48
Eric: We get it, but like that, let's talk about that though.
40:52
Eric: That's that the implications of never bleeding?
40:55
Eric: Yes, because that would mean you're a bubble boy.
40:59
Eric: You would well not even that, bro, like what?
41:02
Eric: Because you bleed when you lose a tooth, as when you lose your baby teeth.
41:06
Eric: You bleed, that's true.
41:07
Eric: So what are you?
41:09
Matt: doing to prevent that?
41:10
Matt: I don't.
41:11
Eric: I think what we're finding, eric, is you're not going to make it very far if you never bleed you're not going to make it very far and in that bleed You're not going to make it very far.
41:17
Eric: And in that case, if you're not going to make it very far, you're not going to make it very long.
41:21
Eric: If you don't make it very long, you're a dead baby, you're a dead baby.
41:26
Matt: And now we're all sad.
41:27
Eric: Good job and fucking great, but do you have the same blood?
41:36
Matt: Well, in that case, Depending on when you died as a baby, maybe is the sad answer that's the sad answer.
41:41
Matt: That's the sad answer, Eric, and you did that.
41:43
Matt: I got the sads of Theseus.
41:45
Eric: now you got the sads of Theseus.
41:47
Eric: I took this bit and I deconstructed it until it was sad.
41:51
Matt: See, this is the problem of starting a bit where you don't know where you're going.
41:55
Matt: Sometimes you end up at a small casket.
42:05
Matt: Sometimes that bit ends up buried with the same year.
42:13
Eric: Year to year.
42:13
Eric: Oh man, it's like Pet Sematary of Bits.
42:19
Matt: You know the scene Pet.
42:19
Eric: Sematary where he's like pet cemetery of bits.
42:20
Eric: You, you know the scene pet cemetery where he's like I'll kill you and then fire and then gets knocked over and it's the sample and you did that I didn't do that.
42:26
Matt: I gave the scientific answer.
42:28
Matt: You told me we weren't allowed to give any more knowledge, and then you started talking about dead babies.
42:34
Eric: I didn't even bring the D word babies into this.
42:39
Eric: Yes, you did, Eric.
42:40
Matt: Yes, you did when you were babies in this you were the first one to mention.
42:43
Matt: You whittled down that stick until the only thing left was dead babies have much like my relationship to certain substances.
42:53
Matt: I merely implied it heavily repeatedly yes, yes, you are a degenerate.
43:03
Eric: I am.
43:03
Eric: So all that to say scientifically no, it won't be the same blood.
43:09
Matt: But philosophically, now, where I thought you might go with.
43:13
Matt: This is philosophically, though.
43:16
Matt: Could you be saying like oh, he's my blood, like from that respect.
43:22
Eric: Oh, like blood is thicker than water, sort of thing.
43:25
Matt: Blood is blood.
43:25
Matt: Blood is as blood does.
43:27
Matt: As Forrest Gump said, Blood is as blood does.
43:31
Matt: Blood in blood out, yeah like he's got the shea blood in him.
43:35
Matt: You know what I mean.
43:36
Matt: You got the shea blood in blood out.
43:37
Matt: Yeah, like forrest gump, he's got the shea blood in him you know what I mean.
43:40
Matt: You got the shea blood in the shea blood in him.
43:41
Matt: Yeah, that got that shea dog.
43:42
Matt: You got that dog in him.
43:44
Matt: But you know what I'm saying, though you're saying like, oh, he's blood.
43:47
Matt: You know you're talking about your father, whatever you know, like that kind of relationship to blood where you're saying like, oh, we are the same, even though on a molecular level you're fucking not.
44:03
Eric: But as far as the Red Cross is concerned, yes, you always got the same blood.
44:09
Eric: You bleed solid gold and they want it.
44:11
Eric: They do.
44:12
Eric: They do want it.
44:14
Eric: Yes, want it, they do, they do want it.
44:20
Eric: Yes, I think I do bleed straight up, like on obtainium, because I donated blood years ago and like since the red cross has never.
44:25
Eric: I give blood every year.
44:26
Matt: they never stop hounding no, they never stop hounding and I give blood regularly.
44:31
Matt: Now because I think I've talked about this in the show because of the blood disorder, quick clarification from editor Matt for the non-Yadaft giants I talked about it on Oops All Tangents.
44:44
Eric: Oh there, it is Sorry you dropped this.
44:45
Eric: I dropped it, yes.
44:46
Matt: I have to.
44:47
Matt: I used to have to get phlebotomies like every couple of months, where they take my blood and they literally throw it in the trash.
44:54
Matt: But the Red Cross has since changed their policies about my blood disorder, which is called hemochromatosis.
45:01
Matt: By the way, it's not a serious thing really, it's just gross.
45:04
Matt: It's just I got too much iron in my blood so once I got my iron levels down, the Red Cross now accepts my blood, which is great.
45:14
Matt: So instead of throwing my blood in the trash, I now donate the blood which I feel better about.
45:18
Matt: But the trade-off there is the Red Cross.
45:23
Matt: He emails me and texts me all the fucking time.
45:25
Eric: Matthew, give us more.
45:28
Matt: We notice you have not donated recently, the minimum amount of days have passed.
45:33
Matt: Matthew, please.
45:35
Eric: Oh, please, please, give in to your dark desires.
45:39
Matt: We are going into Bill Scar's God's Nosferatu a little bit now.
45:44
Matt: Yep, oh, yes, bring him to me.
45:47
Matt: Oh, the delicious, scrumptious.
45:51
Matt: Oh, yes, the delightful blood at the nectar of the gods.
45:56
Eric: Oh, matthew, you're so hydrated, it's good for the blood.
46:01
Eric: So, in conclusion, in conclusion, scientifically no, philosophically probably also no, but epistemologically speaking, ahuza Mwansi who can say?
46:30
Matt: I think we leave it right there.
46:31
Matt: I don't want to say we nailed it, oh, but we fucking.
46:37
Eric: Yeah, we did, though you know.
46:39
Eric: Much like donating blood or Matt Shea treating his blood disease, we drew it out.
46:45
Matt: We drew it out and we gave it to someone else.
46:50
Eric: Yep there you go.
46:51
Eric: We hand it to you here.
46:52
Eric: This is your burden now I give it to you.
46:56
Matt: You're welcome, Eric.
47:00
Matt: It's time that we get into a segment we haven't visited in a hot minute Local legends Into a segment we haven't visited in a hot minute Local legends.
47:09
Matt: Eric, would you like to go first with your local legend or would you like me to go first with my local?
47:15
Eric: legend.
47:15
Eric: I will go first, all right, and this is a.
47:20
Eric: I dove in on a local legend that was submitted to us through our Discord.
47:25
Eric: Hello, on the Discord discord, one of my other bestest friends, uh dj joey g, uh recommended the snellygaster and that is a maryland cryptid.
47:39
Eric: Yes, this was very attractive to me because I had not heard of this before yeah, so in american folklore, and I'm pulling from wikipedia, please donate, love of god, donate love of christ, donate today jesus um.
47:54
Eric: In american folklore, the snallygaster is a bird, reptile, chimera originating in the superstitions of early german immigrants, later combined with sensationalistic newspaper reports of the monster.
48:08
Eric: So early sightings of this beast happened in Frederick, maryland.
48:14
Matt: Hello.
48:15
Eric: In our own backyard, especially in the areas of South Mountain, braddock Heights and the Middletown Valley, to give you some background, give us some background, baby.
48:25
Eric: A whole bunch of Germans came to settle in Maryland in the 1730s and early accounts describe the community being terrorized by a monster called a Schnellegeist.
48:37
Matt: Oh Wörther, the Schnellegeist is here amongst the crabs.
48:42
Eric: Oh ja, ja, das ist Schnellegeist.
48:44
Eric: Oh yeah yeah, das ist schneller Geist, which means quick ghost in German Fast Quick ghost, bert.
48:54
Eric: So like Sie fasten spooky.
49:02
Matt: Sie fasten, spooky parten.
49:04
Matt: Spooky Spooky, it's Vin Diesel.
49:08
Matt: Yeah, the Boston's the quickens the spooky, oh, it's Boo.
49:17
Eric: Sane bolt had to reach down deep, so so sorry to distract you from your script Back to it.
49:30
Eric: The Snallygaster was described as half reptile, half bird, having a metallic beak lined with razor sharp teeth.
49:39
Eric: This is my favorite part, oh good.
49:41
Eric: Occasionally alongside octopus-like tentacles.
49:46
Eric: Occasionally.
49:47
Eric: Occasionally alongside octopus-like tentacles Boop Occasionally.
49:49
Matt: Occasionally, not always.
49:50
Matt: What the fuck do you mean?
49:51
Eric: occasionally.
49:52
Eric: How does that happen?
49:53
Eric: How are you sleeping on these tentacles?
49:55
Eric: How many?
49:56
Matt: of these species?
49:57
Matt: Have you observed that you know some got them, some don't?
50:02
Eric: Oh, mama, papa, maja faja, I saw a schnallegeist.
50:08
Eric: Schnallegeist ja, Does it have tentacles?
50:13
Matt: Nein, nein, not today.
50:16
Matt: It had nine tentacles, you say Gustav.
50:19
Eric: Mother.
50:20
Eric: Mother please, I could have died.
50:24
Eric: I could have died.
50:26
Matt: Mother.
50:26
Eric: But yeah, occasionally, octopus like tentacles, uh, it would swoop silently from the sky to pick up and carry off its victims.
50:37
Eric: Uh, the earliest stories claim that this monster sucked the blood of its victims.
50:42
Eric: Uh, seven pointed stars, which reputedly kept the Snallygaster at bay, can still be seen painted on local barns.
50:50
Eric: Spooky In the 19th century, it has been suggested.
50:56
Eric: The legend was resurrected in the 19th century to frighten freed slaves.
51:01
Eric: So let me tell you this, all right.
51:04
Matt: Bits, got to see you out of the room here for a second.
51:06
Matt: No, no, no no, no, bits, bits stay on the line.
51:09
Matt: Oh, bits, come back in.
51:10
Matt: Eric's going to make bits about racism, this absolute.
51:18
Eric: Resurrected to frighten freed slaves.
51:21
Eric: We're talking about people who lived through the scariest fucking thing imaginable.
51:27
Eric: I garing goddamn t you.
51:30
Eric: That's what they wanted you to.
51:31
Eric: They're like oh that, yeah, no that, oh, we're definitely.
51:35
Eric: Oh, yeah, no.
51:36
Eric: That scares the shit out of us totally oh, oh.
51:40
Eric: And it sometimes has tentacles.
51:42
Eric: You say franz.
51:43
Matt: Sometimes oh yeah real fucking scary.
51:46
Eric: No, yeah, that's.
51:47
Eric: Uh, that'll do it.
51:48
Eric: So, yeah, you, you keep on.
51:51
Eric: You.
51:51
Eric: Keep on that.
51:52
Eric: That.
51:53
Eric: That that's got it.
51:54
Eric: Yeah, that's like that.
51:56
Eric: No, they were fucking with you.
51:59
Eric: They were fucking with you.
52:00
Eric: Anyone who sincerely believed that people who lived through chattel slavery could be scared of your German bird lizard with sometimes tentacles, that you kept at bay with a Christmas ornament?
52:16
Eric: I guess yes.
52:19
Matt: Once you've dealt with the horror that is man, a sometimes tentacled beast is nothing.
52:25
Matt: Yeah, I'll tell you what it is it's calamari.
52:29
Eric: calamari, that's it uh, but yeah, snallygaster is this snallygaster.
52:35
Eric: Yeah, oh, it also apparently learned from frederick the snallygaster of frederick yeah I don't think it was snallygasters that were scaring the freed slaves in Frederick.
52:47
Matt: I highly doubt that.
52:48
Matt: No, there were far more vicious beasts.
52:52
Eric: Probably the very up until recently slave owners.
52:55
Eric: That scared them.
52:55
Eric: Fun fact Snallygaster appears as a boss fight in Blair Witch, Volume 2, the Legend of Coffin Rock.
53:05
Matt: Excuse the fuck out of me, there's a Blair Witch video game first of all.
53:07
Matt: Coffin Rock.
53:07
Matt: Excuse the fuck out of me, there's a Blair Witch video game first of all.
53:09
Eric: There's two of them Two, there is two of them.
53:12
Eric: Whoa and Snallygaster is a boss, which means there's levels.
53:19
Eric: Well, slap me silly.
53:21
Eric: So, oh, I'm sorry.
53:23
Eric: In 2017 edition of JK Rowling's Fantastic Beasts, and when to Find them, incorporated the Snallygaster JK.
53:31
Matt: Get my Snallygaster out your fucking mouth, stealing our Snallygaster, stealing our shit.
53:37
Eric: How dare you, how fucking dare you Go back to being angry on Twitter?
53:44
Eric: How fucking get you can go fuck Not my Snallyg fucking get you can go fuck my snelly gaster, you can go fuck, you can go fuck.
53:51
Matt: So yeah, it's snelly gaster.
53:52
Matt: That's the snelly gaster, is it?
53:55
Eric: yeah, scary to germans and literally no one else.
53:58
Eric: Thank you, thank you.
54:00
Matt: thank you for uh, thank you for sharing and thank you, dj joe g, for submitting your local legend, as I encourage all of you to do.
54:10
Matt: We would love to do the local legends that are truly from our local communities and shine a bigger light on them.
54:20
Matt: This might be old news to some of our audience because, after all, I actually first heard about this local legend last fall through other podcasts, as I'll mention, but it might not be news to you, eric, and it might not be news, or it might be news to you.
54:44
Matt: You might not have heard of this.
54:45
Matt: I guarantee I probably haven't.
54:47
Matt: Does the name piss bandit mean anything to you, eric?
54:50
Eric: Matthew, you tell me more words right this instant.
54:55
Matt: All right, so this did get some coverage.
54:56
Matt: So if you've heard about this before folks, maybe I'll go into a little more detail.
55:01
Matt: And you are aware, for six years a neighborhood in Pasadena, california, has had a problem with one of their electrical boxes.
55:11
Matt: Eric, oh, no, yes, the problem was bottles of apparent urine that were being left on top of the electrical box, and only that specific electrical box Apparent urine.
55:27
Matt: I say apparent urine because Alleged piss.
55:30
Matt: I say apparent urine, because the bottles had all been helpfully labeled urine.
55:37
Matt: Oh, okay, Sometimes which they're all handwritten in Sharpie, but sometimes they stipulate human urine or HIV positive urine, what?
55:47
Matt: Or simply have a smiley face on them, okay.
55:49
Matt: Sometimes they stipulate human urine or HIV positive urine what?
55:50
Matt: Or simply have a smiley face on them, okay.
55:51
Matt: Now these bottles of piss would appear in the morning and vanish by the evening Again.
55:57
Matt: Six years For six.
56:00
Matt: This continued Years.
56:02
Matt: The story gained some national attention via TikTok last fall, when filmmakers Grant Yansura and Derek Milton started their attempt to catch who they would eventually dub as the piss artist.
56:20
Matt: The piss artist because they assumed it was an art installation, as the urine, which varied in color and amount, was left unattended for hours and was very public, so they assumed it was not some sort of marinating in the sun exactly.
56:36
Eric: They assumed it was not some sort of clean piss drop off for drug tests or what have you yeah, something nefarious like that oh my, because that's where your brain went right that my my brain was like okay, someone's being irresponsible with medical samples and like nope, no, no just just strap in my friend jars of alleged piss.
56:57
Matt: So the two took it upon themselves to get to the bottom of this eric and they installed a trail camera next to this electrical box to catch that piss baby to catch the pisser in the act, but instead, all to their surprise, eric, all they got was a latex, gloved arm, reaching over the wall behind the electrical box, just out of sight of the camera, leaving the piss in the dead of night, 4 am to be exact.
57:29
Matt: The wall that separates Miller time the wall in question, by the way, is separating the street from an adjacent highway, so the implication here is this guy's pulling over on a highway, crawling over to this wall, behind this specific electrical box, and then arranging his materials In his Pontiac, his purple Pontiac Grand Am.
57:50
Matt: We can assume it was a Pontiac Grand Am Trunk full of piss.
57:53
Matt: So they set up.
57:55
Matt: Because this failed, they set up an additional camera and that captured the man pouring urine from one bottle to another, leaving them after carefully arranging them on top of the box and then getting the fuck out of there.
58:16
Eric: Why would you not have your piss pre-poured?
58:18
Matt: Why would they not be separate bottles?
58:20
Matt: Why separate bottles?
58:21
Eric: Why separate bottles?
58:22
Eric: Why do you even?
58:24
Matt: So Milton began tracking the days the piss appeared and disappeared.
58:29
Matt: Only, they stopped disappearing.
58:32
Matt: More and more bottles would join Eric, along with ocean spray stickers put on the box itself.
58:42
Matt: Oh no, that's funny.
58:46
Matt: But oh no, because he was posting these videos of the saga online.
58:52
Matt: At this point, people began messaging him about their experiences with the piss bandit.
58:58
Matt: There were others.
58:59
Matt: One person said they worked for a hazardous waste company and they were the ones picking up and disposing of the piss.
59:08
Matt: If it even was piss, who can say Funny, you should ask, which, of course Milton felt they needed to find out.
59:19
Matt: So, eric, they created and strap in for the phrase I'm about to say Please A decoy piss bottle.
59:27
Matt: There it is, which they swapped out with another one of the authentic piss bottles, and they purchased a urine and drug test online and sent the results to a friend of theirs who's a nurse, who confirmed, via looking at these results, that the liquid was indeed urine.
59:46
Matt: Where the fuck are you?
59:49
Matt: And not only that, clean and healthy urine at that.
59:57
Eric: That's the most upsetting part.
59:59
Matt: It failed the drug test.
1:00:00
Matt: It was completely clean.
1:00:02
Eric: I was ready for, yeah, this guy's on bath salts.
1:00:05
Matt: No, no, it's good to go, baby.
1:00:08
Eric: This dude's fucking huffing everything on earth.
1:00:12
Eric: Nah, this pee's ready to swim.
1:00:14
Eric: And then also because I was curious about there was one labeled HIV positive piss.
1:00:23
Eric: I just found myself curious.
1:00:24
Eric: I was like what does that have to do with?
1:00:26
Eric: You can't catch it from piss.
1:00:26
Eric: I just found myself curious.
1:00:27
Matt: I was like what does that have to do with it?
1:00:27
Matt: You can't catch it from piss.
1:00:28
Matt: They just introduced that.
1:00:30
Matt: They just popped it on there.
1:00:32
Matt: Why the fact that this is real piss and they only tested the one bottle?
1:00:38
Eric: It's real piss.
1:00:39
Matt: How much piss.
1:00:40
Matt: I said, these containers vary in both color and size.
1:00:47
Matt: So this is notable, because some of the containers are, like you know, bottles of water, gatorade size, some of them are gallon jugs of urine.
1:01:01
Matt: So next they purchased another better, better, more expensive trail camera.
1:01:10
Matt: Yeah, and they set that up.
1:01:12
Matt: Yeah, this, this, this captured the culprit all right, night after night, arriving and carefully waiting for cars to pass so he could crawl over the wall and place urine their man on the inside at the hazardous waste company.
1:01:28
Matt: Eric, yeah, this guy's now texting them when they are doing pickups so they could properly track when the box was clear of all piss.
1:01:37
Matt: Okay, there's multiple factions now involved in this.
1:01:42
Matt: Yeah, it was then that they decided that the man must be some sort of performance artist.
1:01:47
Matt: So they, knowing that an artist wants to be interviewed more than anything else this is their logic, not mine they left questions on a poster board that they hid beyond the wall, presumably in a place where only the pisser would see.
1:02:03
Matt: Okay, in an attempt to interview the artist.
1:02:07
Matt: But, eric, instead of answering the questions, the board the sandwich board of questions tipped the culprit off that there was a reason to look around.
1:02:19
Matt: He saw the camera and he stole it.
1:02:22
Matt: And not only that, they were pissed, nice Eric.
1:02:28
Matt: Not only that the pisser stopped leaving piss, but they thought through this?
1:02:32
Eric: What did he start leaving?
1:02:34
Matt: Nothing.
1:02:34
Matt: They stopped, but the camera the camera had a GPS, eric, so whenever it got turned on again they'd get coordinates.
1:02:42
Matt: And days later it was turned on very briefly.
1:02:46
Matt: So briefly, it was too short to give exact coordinates, but it was facing the ocean which is, at least according to these folks, at least 20 miles from Pasadena at best what the fuck.
1:03:00
Matt: But it wasn't on long enough to get that exact location, like I said.
1:03:04
Matt: But it came on again a few days later and now it was in San Diego.
1:03:10
Matt: What the fuck?
1:03:12
Matt: 126 miles from Pasadena is San Diego, oh my god.
1:03:17
Matt: Two weeks after the camera came online at San Diego, the piss returned to the box.
1:03:24
Matt: So they decided it was time to get personal.
1:03:27
Matt: They put a camera, a new camera that they could talk through.
1:03:31
Matt: They put it above the box, I think in a tree, so that they could talk to the pisser.
1:03:38
Matt: So the plan was on the money.
1:03:42
Matt: The pisser was caught in the act and looked directly at the camera when they were like hey bro, what are you doing?
1:03:50
Matt: But he had a ski mask on, eric.
1:03:53
Matt: Not only that, but he now had a shirt on that said volunteer on the back.
1:03:58
Matt: So instead, but instead of talking to them, eric, he stole the camera Eric, he stole the new camera.
1:04:06
Matt: Okay, see when you the camera he stole the new camera.
1:04:08
Eric: Yep, okay, see, when you described it, I thought it was like oh, they clearly put it up like out of reach.
1:04:13
Matt: Oh, they did, he crawled up there.
1:04:14
Eric: Oh, they thought they did.
1:04:15
Matt: He crawled up.
1:04:16
Eric: He got to the camera.
1:04:18
Matt: That man's got healthy piss.
1:04:19
Eric: There's nothing he can't do.
1:04:20
Matt: No, it's at this point, eric, that the city got involved.
1:04:24
Matt: Having seen these videos, the city installed a metal pyramid on top of the box so nothing more can be placed on it, and that, eric, was the end of the piss, bandit piss, or at least it would have been had the bandit not destroyed the pyramid and continued to leave bottles of urine on top of his electrical box there are images you can see the shattered remains of the metal pyramid, replaced by bottles of urine.
1:05:04
Eric: I am Ozymandipus.
1:05:06
Eric: Now Look upon my works, ye mighty in despair.
1:05:11
Matt: But the city said, okay, well, fair play.
1:05:14
Matt: But they replaced it with a real heavy-duty cover that covered the whole goddamn box and it wasn't just a little shoddy pyramid like welded together at the top.
1:05:26
Eric: This one had fucking, this one had girth.
1:05:29
Matt: Exactly this one had heft.
1:05:29
Matt: So not only that, but the damage was already done as the story gained more and more coverage from local news outlets.
1:05:38
Matt: The New York Post ran a story on it and, like I said, on various podcasts I heard this for the first time on last podcast on the left and then later on Conan O O'Brien needs a friend.
1:05:48
Matt: Fans began visiting the box, eric taking pictures, searching for clues involving themselves.
1:05:57
Eric: Yep.
1:05:58
Eric: So this is how religions get formed.
1:06:00
Matt: It's safe to say the the spot had, so to speak, been blown.
1:06:06
Matt: The chicken had pissed the coop.
1:06:07
Matt: The chicken had indeed pissed the coop, and you know the filmmakers, of course extensive coverage on their TikToks, and so the piss, eric, finally, last October, dried up, god.
1:06:21
Matt: Now I have no idea the state of this electrical box, given the horrible, horrific events happening in Pasadena with the fires and everything now, but as far as I know, there has been no further sightings of the piss bandit.
1:06:37
Matt: But, folks, if you see an electrical box out there in the Los Angeles area and it has bottles of different colored piss on it, you might be the new target audience for the piss bandit.
1:06:58
Eric: A world out of sight, out of mind.
1:07:02
Matt: Absolutely.
1:07:03
Matt: So that's what.
1:07:04
Matt: I have for you, eric, that's the piss bandit.
1:07:05
Matt: Gee, oh, mike, matthew, he's a legend.
1:07:07
Matt: We don't know him.
1:07:07
Matt: We don't know him absolutely.
1:07:08
Matt: So that's what I have for you, eric.
1:07:08
Matt: That's the piss bandit.
1:07:08
Matt: Gee, oh my matthew, he's a legend.
1:07:08
Matt: We don't know him, we don't know to give any piss bandit.
1:07:13
Eric: I'm just throwing this out there piss bandit.
1:07:15
Eric: If you can hear my voice, please let us interview you for the podcast.
1:07:22
Eric: How funny would it be if these people spent all this time and money trying to catch you and talk to you and then you just showed up on this fucking podcast recycling content and, like you always do, and you and you chose us to be your prophet, we'll change your voice.
1:07:42
Eric: We'll disguise it.
1:07:43
Eric: God, we will do anything to ensure your anonymity.
1:07:48
Matt: Yes, your secret is safe with us.
1:07:51
Eric: Oh, my God, yes.
1:07:52
Matt: Eric, I think that'll about do it.
1:07:53
Matt: I think that'll about do it.
1:07:54
Matt: On that absolute urine-soaked note for this episode of you Didn't Ask For this.
1:08:01
Matt: As Eric already mentioned, we do have a Patreon.
1:08:03
Matt: We'd love you to join it.
1:08:05
Matt: $1 a month gets you access to our Discord.
1:08:07
Matt: $4 a month gets you our monthly bonus episodes Oops, all tangents as well as 20% merch in perpetuity on our merch store at youdidntaskforthiscom slash merch.
1:08:19
Matt: You don't need Sorry, youdidntaskforthiscom slash shop.
1:08:22
Matt: You do not need to join the picture round to buy some merch.
1:08:29
Matt: So go to.
1:08:29
Matt: You didn't ask for this dot com slash shop.
1:08:30
Matt: Buy.
1:08:30
Matt: I'm wearing the hoodie right now.
1:08:32
Matt: Actually not, I didn't even plan that.
1:08:35
Eric: Uh, so I've got the question hoodie on someone at mag fest was wearing a a ya daft hoodie.
1:08:41
Eric: It was one of one of our, one of one of, and who also.
1:08:44
Eric: Well, I was wearing the Udaf hoodie and also was listening to the show.
1:08:50
Matt: Yeah, they just happened to buy one.
1:08:51
Matt: What the fuck.
1:08:53
Eric: Hi, Faith yes.
1:08:56
Matt: Faith.
1:08:56
Matt: We're going to have you on the show, don't you worry.
1:08:57
Matt: Oh my God, yes, you're going to be a guest.
1:09:00
Matt: You didn't even express interest, but I'm making it happen.
1:09:03
Matt: But we do need your questions, folks.
1:09:07
Matt: Submit them to us.
1:09:08
Matt: You didn't ask for thiscom slash shop.
1:09:09
Matt: That's the wrong thing, eric.
1:09:11
Matt: I'm losing steam here.
1:09:12
Matt: It's okay, we both didn't sleep yesterday.
1:09:15
Eric: Yep, we're still catching up.
1:09:16
Eric: It's okay, I'll hold your hand.
1:09:17
Matt: You didn't ask for this at gmailcom.
1:09:19
Matt: You can email them to us.
1:09:21
Matt: You can also give it to us Any DM.
1:09:29
Matt: We are on instagram, we're on blue sky, we're on tiktok, we're all over the place.
1:09:32
Matt: So give us those questions.
1:09:32
Matt: We'll answer them.
1:09:33
Matt: We'll all have a great time it'll be an amazing time babies.
1:09:37
Matt: Uh, and of course, the thought line.
1:09:39
Matt: If you wish to leave us a voicemail, like mike perry jr did, you can do one at 410-929-5329.
1:09:48
Eric: Eric did I miss anything with the business?
1:09:50
Eric: No, not well spake.
1:09:51
Eric: Oh, one last bit of business.
1:09:53
Matt: We are recording this.
1:09:54
Matt: Just after Groundhog Day.
1:09:59
Matt: There was no assassination attempt on the life of Pax Tani Phil, who did of course predict six more weeks of winter.
1:10:09
Matt: Now I'm marking it on red in my bingo card.
1:10:13
Matt: So if you have it on your bingo card I'd say you should mark it in red.
1:10:21
Matt: But hey, I never stipulated it would happen on Groundhog Day, no, so it could flip to green still, but God forbid it does.
1:10:28
Eric: Yeah, no, we don't want that and obviously we have.
1:10:32
Eric: Matt and I had this discussion.
1:10:33
Eric: We have marked the square.
1:10:35
Eric: We're claiming this one TikTok saved within 24 hours of closing yes.
1:10:43
Matt: I don't want to talk about the circumstances of how it was saved Fuck the God damn.
1:10:46
Matt: Let's not discuss that but it was technically saved.
1:10:50
Matt: It was a freebie if you submitted it your card by the deadline of January 31st, which many of you do A new record number of submissions this year.
1:11:01
Matt: So thank you for doing that.
1:11:02
Matt: We're having a lot of fun playing these annual bingo.
1:11:06
Matt: What a fun tradition we stumbled into.
1:11:08
Eric: Eric, what a delight.
1:11:09
Eric: Much like Malort in front of a Ferris wheel.
1:11:11
Eric: Yeah, just like it.
1:11:13
Matt: Same thing, just exact same thing, moral equivalent.
1:11:15
Matt: Should we end the episode now?
1:11:16
Matt: We should, absolutely so from all of us here.
1:11:19
Matt: You didn't ask for this.
1:11:20
Eric: My name's Matt Shea shay, my name's eric poach, and listen, you didn't ask, but ozzy man ps I should have.
1:11:32
Eric: That's like earlier when I said I said ozzy man d d piss, uh-huh, that's.
1:11:34
Eric: That's way too much effort on the articulate ozzy man ps.
1:11:38
Eric: You got it on the second try, eric I got it.
1:11:40
Eric: I couldn't second try because I thought of it, I knew it.
1:11:43
Eric: The second I said ozzymandi piss.
1:11:45
Eric: I was like that's nothing.
1:11:46
Matt: I think I complimented your wit.
1:11:49
Eric: And there's someone out there listening to my voice right now who, like as soon as I said that, has been screaming.
1:11:55
Eric: Eric, that email's been sent.
1:11:56
Eric: Oh my God, I'm getting.
1:11:58
Eric: They're blowing me up, they're blowing you up, eric, but Ozymandi piss, thank you.
1:12:05
Eric: I'm sorry and thank you, and also with you and with your spirit, and with your spirit, oh Ha ha, Great, thank you.