Latest / The Inspired Speaker Network / Your Child Doesn't Need a Perfect Parent

Transcript

Your Child Doesn't Need a Perfect Parent · The Inspired Speaker Network

• 0:00
  Welcome to the Guiding Parent Podcast,
• 0:02
  where you'll find the mindset and tools
• 0:04
  to parent with greater confidence, clarity, and purpose,
• 0:07
  even when there aren't any easy answers.
• 0:09
  Together, we're going to explore
• 0:11
  how to better nurture and guide our children,
• 0:13
  to support who they are and who they're becoming,
• 0:15
  so that they can fulfill their unique potential
• 0:18
  and thrive in our ever-changing world.
• 0:20
  I'm Tammy Ulrich, your host,
• 0:22
  parenting and early childhood educator,
• 0:24
  mom, and most fun, Gammy.
• 0:27
  And I'm Shannon, your co-host.
• 0:29
  I'm Tammy's daughter and mom
• 0:30
  to a very energetic little dude called H.
• 0:33
  We're glad you're here.
• 0:35
  Let's get started.
• 0:38
  There's no such thing as perfect parenting.
• 0:40
  So many of us are striving to do everything right
• 0:43
  to be the perfect parent.
• 0:46
  And some of us gave up on that long ago
• 0:48
  and are just trying to get through the day
• 0:50
  and be good enough.
• 0:51
  I can't even tell you how many times
• 0:53
  I've gotten the Bad Mommy Award.
• 0:55
  When you were born, Shannon,
• 0:57
  man, I didn't know what I was doing.
• 1:00
  I couldn't believe they were gonna let me
• 1:02
  take this precious little tiny baby home with me.
• 1:06
  And I've been working with kids.
• 1:08
  I had an education in early childhood.
• 1:11
  You know, I was supposed to know something,
• 1:12
  but it was like, oh my God, I don't know anything.
• 1:16
  I don't know what I'm doing.
• 1:17
  I was sure every car on the road was aimed right at us.
• 1:21
  And then we had this very happy bouncy dog
• 1:24
  and I was just sure he was going to maul you.
• 1:27
  And anyway, I was terrified.
• 1:30
  Things got better and then Justin came along.
• 1:33
  And then that was a whole nother thing.
• 1:37
  That met with having to balance not only parenting,
• 1:41
  but I was back at work after three days,
• 1:44
  which was not the plan.
• 1:46
  But now here I am, you know,
• 1:48
  facing trying to be a working mom way too soon.
• 1:52
  Anyway, it's just there's all of us have our stories
• 1:55
  and these pieces that we feel.
• 1:57
  You know, we've got the fear and the self doubt
• 1:59
  and we feel guilty and often we're frustrated
• 2:03
  and sometimes we just don't know what to do.
• 2:06
  And then we end up, you know,
• 2:07
  having a toddler with a temper tantrum
• 2:10
  right in the middle of the grocery aisle
• 2:12
  and people are staring at us and we're looking bad
• 2:15
  and we start to really question our parenting even more.
• 2:18
  And they go, no, we're raising a spoiled child.
• 2:21
  We look on Instagram and all these perfect moms
• 2:25
  and feel like we just don't fit
• 2:27
  and we just start comparing ourselves
• 2:29
  with all of these other parents
• 2:31
  and, you know, looking at what looks like it's perfect,
• 2:35
  but it really isn't.
• 2:38
  I remember when Henry was little,
• 2:40
  it was really challenging for me
• 2:42
  because he developed a lot more quickly physically probably
• 2:46
  than he did like academically or even, you know,
• 2:49
  the things that we think of as academic skills,
• 2:51
  but when they're really little,
• 2:54
  you know, it's not so much that,
• 2:55
  but like he would be at the very top of a play structure
• 2:58
  and I would feel judged by other parents
• 3:00
  because he was so capable,
• 3:02
  but then there'd be the mom that was like literally running,
• 3:05
  trying to catch him and he was fine.
• 3:07
  And I knew he was fine, but, you know,
• 3:09
  I get stink eye from another mom
• 3:12
  because I was letting my, you know, two-year-old,
• 3:15
  who's tiny, go way too high.
• 3:18
  Happened also when he would climb trees
• 3:20
  and, you know, and then comparing myself
• 3:22
  because, you know, by the time he started kindergarten,
• 3:24
  a lot of his peers had no problem, you know,
• 3:28
  with reading and, you know, those kinds of skills.
• 3:30
  And he took a lot longer to develop, you know,
• 3:34
  reading and writing kind of skills.
• 3:36
  And so, yeah, you just constantly are feeling like,
• 3:39
  you know, oh, well, he needs to do more here
• 3:42
  and I am clearly the problem because, you know,
• 3:45
  as parents, I feel like that's what we do.
• 3:47
  We blame ourselves and it's really easy, I think,
• 3:50
  to fall down that rabbit hole of,
• 3:51
  I need to be doing something differently
• 3:53
  or, you know, I'm not enough,
• 3:55
  which, you know, then for a lot of parents just spirals
• 3:58
  and it can be really, really challenging.
• 4:01
  And we gotta give ourselves, you know,
• 4:03
  we need to give ourselves a break
• 4:04
  because every child's different.
• 4:06
  Every child develops at their own pace, at their own rate.
• 4:10
  And I mean, look at him now, he's very well balanced.
• 4:13
  You know, that was really the case with you too,
• 4:16
  was, you know, you just had to develop
• 4:18
  into this nice balance.
• 4:20
  And when I feel like when we are nurturing all the,
• 4:23
  you know, nurturing the little person in front of us
• 4:25
  and how they're showing up at any given moment,
• 4:28
  that's what happens.
• 4:29
  It all does level out.
• 4:30
  And they do get to either being able to run and climb
• 4:35
  or they get to reading and, you know, doing those things
• 4:38
  when it's all their time to do that.
• 4:42
  And we just need to stay, stay cool
• 4:44
  and not be comparing ourselves all the time.
• 4:48
  We also have those moments where, you know,
• 4:51
  everything just gets to be too much
• 4:54
  and we're just so frustrated by the constant of,
• 4:57
  I mean, like H was such an active little guy,
• 5:01
  just always on the go and you just had to keep up
• 5:03
  and stay calm and patient when he's demanding this
• 5:07
  and demanding that.
• 5:08
  And I remember my grandma used to talk about my mom
• 5:13
  and tell me stories about how impatient
• 5:16
  she'd get with my mom.
• 5:18
  And every day she'd tell herself,
• 5:20
  I'm not gonna yell at Nancy,
• 5:21
  I'm not gonna yell at Nancy.
• 5:23
  And then she'd laugh and say,
• 5:25
  and then I rarely made it past breakfast.
• 5:28
  So, you know, it's just, we've all got,
• 5:31
  we've all got our little things that, you know,
• 5:33
  where we're juggling with trying to be parents
• 5:38
  and do what we need to do for the little people
• 5:41
  that we have.
• 5:43
  And we just kind of have to move past that
• 5:46
  and, you know, remember that, you know,
• 5:50
  we're doing the best we can.
• 5:51
  And it does start with us.
• 5:53
  I mean, our very first principle is it starts with you.
• 5:55
  So, you know, we need to look inside what's going on for us
• 6:00
  because a lot of the time when we feel like
• 6:04
  we're struggling as parents,
• 6:06
  it's because we're overtired or we're hangry
• 6:09
  or we're stressed.
• 6:10
  We've got some other piece going on.
• 6:13
  So we need to, you know, address that too.
• 6:15
  What's going on for me?
• 6:16
  What do I need to meet my own needs?
• 6:19
  But also, you know, thinking about who am I as a,
• 6:22
  who I wanna be as a parent.
• 6:23
  Do I really wanna be striving to be this perfect,
• 6:26
  perfect parent?
• 6:27
  Or do I wanna be a real parent
• 6:28
  and really be, you know, create connection
• 6:31
  and create, you know, a nice relationship with my child?
• 6:36
  So, you know, I know you had a lot of juggling to do it
• 6:42
  throughout Henry's early years.
• 6:46
  Yeah, especially, you know, when Henry was really little,
• 6:48
  my husband deployed three times before he was four.
• 6:53
  And so we would have these, you know,
• 6:54
  six plus months stretches where it was just him and I.
• 6:57
  And we had family that was like three hours away.
• 7:00
  And so I did have a lot more support
• 7:01
  than a lot of, you know, my fellow military spouse peers.
• 7:05
  But, you know, you definitely get into that slog
• 7:08
  of the day-to-day, like I gotta get this kid to daycare
• 7:11
  and then I have to go to work and then we get home
• 7:13
  and I'm exhausted because I've been at work all day.
• 7:16
  And, you know, he's been away from me all day.
• 7:18
  So he wants my attention and how to balance
• 7:21
  all of those competing needs and feeling, you know,
• 7:25
  like I was on a, you know, wire edge
• 7:28
  of constantly being overstimulated and out of patience
• 7:33
  and, you know, just really fighting to feel
• 7:36
  like I was enough for him in those moments.
• 7:39
  And like, that was really, really challenging.
• 7:41
  And, you know, trying to figure out, yeah,
• 7:44
  how to be the best when, you know, at the same time,
• 7:49
  looking back now, I can recognize, you know,
• 7:51
  it was a situation where there wasn't an easy,
• 7:53
  oh, you just do ABC and then everything will be,
• 7:57
  you know, sunshine and rainbows.
• 7:59
  You know, the reality was that it was a slog of,
• 8:01
  you know, however long he was gone to get through,
• 8:03
  you know, with a child that was really, really active
• 8:06
  and really, really busy and, you know,
• 8:08
  probably would have qualified as like a high needs kid.
• 8:12
  But, you know, finding ways to take care of myself
• 8:15
  so that then I could also take care of him.
• 8:18
  That was, I think, the biggest balance to figure out.
• 8:20
  And it's so important.
• 8:22
  You know, parents often feel like, you know,
• 8:24
  they just have to take care of what's going on
• 8:26
  and our needs get put on the back burner.
• 8:29
  But, you know, it's gotta be where we're making sure
• 8:33
  that we find time for us as well,
• 8:36
  because otherwise you just, you don't have the bandwidth.
• 8:38
  You don't have the energy to.
• 8:40
  Yeah, if I had put my needs on the back burner,
• 8:42
  we both would have crashed and burned.
• 8:43
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 8:44
  I wouldn't have been able to take care of him.
• 8:46
  And so, you know, what that ended up looking like for us
• 8:50
  was that I ended up cutting back.
• 8:52
  So I worked three quarter time instead of full time,
• 8:54
  which gave me a little bit more bandwidth
• 8:56
  to, you know, be present at home.
• 8:59
  But, you know, that then flipped that whole situation
• 9:01
  and I felt like I maybe wasn't the best employee
• 9:04
  that I could be.
• 9:04
  So yeah, there were all sorts of layers of guilt
• 9:07
  during that time.
• 9:09
  And, you know, removed from that now,
• 9:11
  I can look back and be like, no,
• 9:12
  I did what needed to be done to take care of me,
• 9:15
  to take care of him.
• 9:16
  And, you know, I don't have that lingering guilt anymore,
• 9:19
  but it definitely took a while to work through it,
• 9:21
  to find, you know,
• 9:22
  I don't think it was until the second time that he was gone
• 9:25
  that we figured out, like,
• 9:27
  I literally cannot be everything at one time.
• 9:30
  And started to make changes.
• 9:32
  And, you know, we did end up going down, you know,
• 9:35
  to my mom's house more frequently
• 9:36
  so that I had more support, you know,
• 9:39
  trying to find the different balances in that regard too.
• 9:42
  And so then I could, you know,
• 9:43
  have at least a shower without a little person in my business
• 9:49
  have a couple of bathroom breaks by myself.
• 9:53
  But yeah, it does.
• 9:54
  It's a, you know,
• 9:56
  and it's never going to be a one size fits all.
• 9:57
  There were things that, you know,
• 9:58
  worked for H and I and our family that, you know,
• 10:01
  wouldn't have worked for other families and vice versa.
• 10:04
  So, but it kind of does have to be that situation
• 10:07
  where you're, you know, try this, see what works.
• 10:09
  That doesn't work.
• 10:10
  All right, throw it out, try something different
• 10:12
  until you do find something that makes it,
• 10:14
  maybe not easy, but, you know,
• 10:16
  adds that element of ease into the situation.
• 10:20
  And that's one of the biggest pieces for, you know,
• 10:22
  for the guiding mindset is that
• 10:25
  it isn't a one size fits all.
• 10:27
  It's like, we need to, you know, use the principles.
• 10:29
  We need to understand who our little person is, you know,
• 10:33
  what our needs are in a given moment,
• 10:35
  what their needs are in any given moment
• 10:36
  and look at developing, you know,
• 10:38
  all the pieces that come into play.
• 10:40
  And then we can figure out, you know,
• 10:42
  what is the best thing to do in this moment
• 10:44
  for this child, for this situation.
• 10:46
  So it really does take looking at the whole picture
• 10:49
  and not trying to just have, if A, then B,
• 10:53
  and everything's going to be hunky dory
• 10:54
  because, you know, it just doesn't work like that.
• 10:57
  Children are just too different.
• 11:00
  You know, and it also depends on, you know, who we are.
• 11:03
  You know, what are our own childhood experiences?
• 11:06
  How were we parented?
• 11:07
  Because we bring that in.
• 11:08
  We bring how we were parented in
• 11:10
  and that affects our parenting.
• 11:12
  So, you know, we've got to look at ourselves
• 11:13
  in that regard too.
• 11:14
  Who do I want to be as a parent?
• 11:16
  And what's really important to me?
• 11:18
  What do, you know, what are the most important things
• 11:20
  I want to give to my child or make sure for them?
• 11:24
  And, you know, if we had less than positive parenting,
• 11:29
  you know, that's going to affect our abilities
• 11:32
  unless we really become conscious
• 11:33
  and we really look at those.
• 11:35
  So we really want to break those cycles.
• 11:37
  You know, see who do I want to be
• 11:39
  and what do I need to do to get there
• 11:41
  so that we can start to be aware,
• 11:43
  you know, know where our buttons are.
• 11:45
  Know because, you know, when those buttons are pushed,
• 11:48
  and oh, kids are so good at pushing buttons.
• 11:50
  They're just, you know, take one to an elevator,
• 11:52
  they're going to push all the buttons.
• 11:54
  So we want to, you know, we need to be aware
• 11:59
  of those buttons that are getting pushed.
• 12:02
  I know you get to have your buttons pushed
• 12:05
  every now and then, just a little bit.
• 12:08
  And I don't know why, like of all of the things,
• 12:11
  I mean, for me, the thing that I think
• 12:13
  is the absolute hardest is helping Henry with homework.
• 12:16
  And I have no idea why, but for some reason,
• 12:19
  we just against each other whenever, you know,
• 12:23
  that's what he needs to do.
• 12:25
  And so I do try and be really present with him
• 12:27
  when he's doing his work after school,
• 12:30
  just to make sure that it gets done.
• 12:31
  And, you know, he's fully grasping these concepts,
• 12:34
  but it has taken us years to get to a point
• 12:38
  where we don't both end up insanely frustrated.
• 12:42
  And don't know, yeah, I still, to this day,
• 12:44
  don't know why that's one of the things
• 12:46
  that's the hardest for me, but yeah.
• 12:50
  And so the biggest part for me in resolving that
• 12:54
  was recognizing it and being like, okay,
• 12:56
  this is something that we're struggling with.
• 12:58
  And so I had to do a whole lot of work of,
• 13:02
  I mean, I still don't know why exactly,
• 13:05
  but okay, what do we do with that?
• 13:06
  So I know this is something that's going to
• 13:08
  constantly irk me, constantly irritate me.
• 13:11
  And so, you know, set myself up.
• 13:14
  Okay, I have water, I have a snack,
• 13:16
  you know, the same things that I do for him.
• 13:18
  You know, does he have water?
• 13:19
  Does he have a snack?
• 13:20
  You know, we had a routine so that we did homework
• 13:23
  the same time pretty much every single day.
• 13:26
  And it's still not perfect.
• 13:27
  We still, you know, there'll be times
• 13:29
  where he gets frustrated because he doesn't want to do it.
• 13:31
  And I get frustrated because he's frustrated
• 13:34
  and everybody's frustrated.
• 13:35
  But yeah, I feel like after the last, you know,
• 13:38
  high school year was a little bit better
• 13:39
  and we were able to, you know,
• 13:41
  kind of get into a groove finally.
• 13:43
  But yeah, I mean, literally years of that being
• 13:46
  one of the big things that was really challenging for me.
• 13:49
  I think you really brought up areas
• 13:52
  is you had your snack and your water
• 13:56
  and that, you know, this is kind of the same things
• 13:58
  that you would do for him.
• 14:00
  And that's true.
• 14:01
  Our needs aren't that different.
• 14:03
  Yeah.
• 14:04
  If I'm not, if I'm not okay,
• 14:07
  obviously that's going to trickle into our relationship.
• 14:09
  Absolutely.
• 14:10
  And, you know, and anything, you know,
• 14:13
  you can't always plan for everything, obviously.
• 14:16
  But when you're, you can,
• 14:19
  it really seems to make a difference
• 14:21
  when you can be proactive
• 14:23
  and try and get on top of those situations
• 14:25
  before they devolve.
• 14:27
  Yes.
• 14:28
  Yeah, absolutely.
• 14:29
  Yeah.
• 14:30
  So I feel like one of the things that came out of that
• 14:34
  was, you know, recognizing that
• 14:36
  when I did lose my patience with him,
• 14:38
  that it was really important
• 14:39
  that we then kind of came back around and reconnected,
• 14:42
  did a little bit of repair work
• 14:45
  and, you know, that kept it from turning into,
• 14:48
  it stayed within that situation.
• 14:49
  So it wasn't like that then bled
• 14:50
  into the rest of our relationship.
• 14:52
  We could butt heads while we were, you know,
• 14:54
  doing his schoolwork.
• 14:55
  And then afterwards it pretty much snapped right back
• 14:58
  into our normal relationship.
• 15:01
  But that definitely took, you know,
• 15:03
  work on building our connection.
• 15:07
  And which is something we have to consistently work on
• 15:10
  is nurturing that connection.
• 15:13
  You know, that being a principle as well.
• 15:14
  It's foundational.
• 15:16
  You know, it always comes back to, you know,
• 15:19
  making sure we're nurturing that connection,
• 15:21
  making sure that that connection is strong.
• 15:23
  You know, our kids don't need us to be perfect.
• 15:25
  They need us to feel, they need to feel connected.
• 15:28
  They need to feel connected to us.
• 15:29
  So, you know, and so often when we're trying to be perfect
• 15:32
  or we're trying to make everything perfect,
• 15:35
  then that's when everything falls completely apart
• 15:38
  because we're not focused on connection.
• 15:40
  We're focused on all this outside stuff
• 15:42
  and trying to make everything, you know,
• 15:43
  I think about the holidays
• 15:44
  and trying to make the perfect, wonderful little holiday,
• 15:47
  but we're so busy.
• 15:47
  We forget to be present, you know, present in the moment.
• 15:51
  We had a trip not too long ago
• 15:54
  where we tended to frustrate H just a little bit
• 15:59
  thinking we were creating the most perfect fun.
• 16:02
  You remember?
• 16:04
  When we went ice skating?
• 16:05
  Henry does not like to ice skate
• 16:08
  and it's one of the few athletic endeavors
• 16:11
  that I'm decent at.
• 16:12
  And so I always want him to be into it too.
• 16:18
  And he's not, and it wasn't fun for him.
• 16:21
  And, you know, we, again, struggled to try
• 16:25
  and kind of find a way to make it fun for him.
• 16:28
  And in the end just had to recognize
• 16:29
  that like not everything is everybody's
• 16:33
  and, you know, it's okay that it's not his jam.
• 16:36
  Like, just like we struggle, you know,
• 16:38
  as parents to, you know, be perfect.
• 16:40
  We don't want to create a situation
• 16:41
  where then our child is doing, you know,
• 16:43
  the same kind of thing and feeling
• 16:44
  like they're forced into a specific role
• 16:47
  and making sure, you know,
• 16:49
  that they're not being forced into that either.
• 16:54
  I was just thinking.
• 16:55
  It also kind of reminds me of when I was a kid
• 16:59
  and you were trying to, you know,
• 17:02
  undo a little situation.
• 17:04
  My little brother had lost a tooth
• 17:06
  and my mom forgot to put money under his pillow.
• 17:09
  And so she sent me to do it
• 17:12
  and not realizing that at that point
• 17:14
  I was like 90% sure that the tooth fairy wasn't real.
• 17:17
  I thought she knew at this point.
• 17:22
  And so that was my introduction,
• 17:23
  like, okay, it's official,
• 17:25
  but it took until that moment.
• 17:27
  And so we were talking about it years later
• 17:29
  and she was horrified.
• 17:30
  I was like, actually, I kind of think
• 17:32
  that was the perfect transition from, you know,
• 17:35
  believing to then getting to participate
• 17:37
  in the magic of it all.
• 17:40
  And so, even though I think for her,
• 17:42
  for a little while, it felt like-
• 17:42
  It felt like a parenting fail.
• 17:44
  It was the ultimate purpose.
• 17:46
  Yeah.
• 17:46
  I forgot and now for the rest of you.
• 17:48
  I mean, the tooth fairy didn't come.
• 17:51
  I'm like, oh geez.
• 17:52
  So Shannon, quick.
• 17:55
  I'm glad it turned out positive in that, you know,
• 17:59
  often we think our parenting, you know,
• 18:01
  our parenting fails are just that.
• 18:03
  And it turns out they're not as bad as we thought.
• 18:07
  Another big one for me is just, you know,
• 18:09
  working and having the school.
• 18:14
  I mean, it took so much of our life,
• 18:17
  so much of our time, you know,
• 18:18
  cause I was the owner administrator
• 18:22
  and there were times even that you guys, you know,
• 18:25
  went to bed or at least took a long nap.
• 18:27
  We fell asleep in the classroom.
• 18:29
  So I had a lot of guilt
• 18:32
  and I had a lot of resentment around that
• 18:36
  and was really happy finding out later
• 18:39
  when you guys were adults
• 18:41
  that you only had good memories about it.
• 18:43
  You never felt like you were shortchanged somehow.
• 18:48
  And so that was good to find out
• 18:50
  that that wasn't a parenting fail either.
• 18:54
  So yeah, these times.
• 18:55
  Yeah, I mean, my memories of being at the school
• 18:58
  when I was little, you know,
• 18:59
  first of all, feeling like the queen of the castle
• 19:01
  because my mom was in charge.
• 19:04
  And I was, you know, if mom's in charge,
• 19:07
  then obviously I'm like second in command.
• 19:12
  But yeah, I mean, it was cool to get to be a part of.
• 19:16
  And, you know, as soon as I was old enough to not go,
• 19:19
  then I got to be, you know, an assistant teacher
• 19:23
  up until the point that I could really be
• 19:24
  an actual assistant teacher, which was incredible.
• 19:27
  And like, you know, as an adult looking back,
• 19:29
  there's so much I learned about child development,
• 19:32
  about, you know, even parenting
• 19:34
  just by being around young children.
• 19:36
  And I feel like that, you know,
• 19:38
  was invaluable and really beneficial
• 19:40
  than when I became a parent and, you know,
• 19:42
  I had a preschool aged kiddo.
• 19:44
  And so, yeah, I don't have any negative feelings about it,
• 19:49
  but it is interesting, you know,
• 19:50
  to compare that, you know,
• 19:52
  we have different experiences of the same circumstances.
• 19:57
  And what it really boils down to, you know,
• 19:59
  at the end of the day, it comes back to connection.
• 20:02
  And even though I was busy and everything was go, go, go,
• 20:06
  we were connected, you know, and you being there,
• 20:09
  I mean, I really was blessed
• 20:11
  because I got to have you work with me.
• 20:12
  So we had that, you know, it would have been harder
• 20:15
  if I was working long hours away from you,
• 20:18
  but at least we still, you know,
• 20:20
  we were still able to have that, you know,
• 20:23
  to have that connection.
• 20:25
  Yeah, we just had to make a couple of rules
• 20:27
  around the school to make sure
• 20:28
  we didn't have too much connection.
• 20:30
  And I stayed in my classroom
• 20:32
  and you got to actually do your work.
• 20:34
  They would actually misbehave,
• 20:36
  both her and her brother would misbehave
• 20:39
  so they'd get sent to the office.
• 20:41
  So we had to switch that around a little bit
• 20:46
  so that that's not where you came if you misbehave.
• 20:49
  The consequences had to not be going to the office.
• 20:52
  We had to make legitimate,
• 20:53
  make it legitimate way for you to come visit
• 20:56
  so that you didn't feel like
• 20:57
  I was being kept away from you.
• 20:59
  But yeah, it's a lot of times too.
• 21:01
  Yeah, to keep us from getting spicy
• 21:03
  so we can go see mom.
• 21:05
  But that's part of it too,
• 21:07
  is figuring out, okay, you know,
• 21:08
  this is the behavior that we don't want to be happening.
• 21:11
  So what is it saying?
• 21:13
  So it's saying they need to see me,
• 21:15
  they need, you know, to have some time to connection
• 21:17
  and how can we do that in a more positive,
• 21:20
  you know, more positive way.
• 21:22
  But that often isn't what happens.
• 21:23
  You know, we often have some weird behavior come up.
• 21:27
  Our child's acting a certain way.
• 21:28
  We don't know why, we're tired, we're frustrated
• 21:30
  and we fall short.
• 21:31
  We start yelling or threatening or punishing.
• 21:34
  Of course, I never did that, but you know.
• 21:37
  Except, you know, a handful or dozen thousand times.
• 21:42
  Anyway, what's important is that, you know,
• 21:46
  we realize it when it happens.
• 21:49
  And we may also, you know,
• 21:52
  when we do those things, it's really obvious.
• 21:54
  You know, we know we've done it.
• 21:55
  But there might be times too
• 21:56
  when our kids just kind of disconnect
• 21:59
  and we see something's missing.
• 22:02
  So there's something there.
• 22:03
  So maybe we were really rushed
• 22:05
  and weren't being aware of them
• 22:07
  or we were dismissive of something they were feeling
• 22:10
  or something they were trying to tell us
• 22:12
  or we're distracted and so they feel it.
• 22:15
  And, or maybe, you know,
• 22:17
  they dump the eggs out over their head.
• 22:20
  Your brother did that one time.
• 22:21
  And we tend to, you know,
• 22:23
  maybe we overreact when something spills.
• 22:26
  And so when that happens, you know, kids may withdraw.
• 22:28
  So it's just another time to notice
• 22:31
  that there's a disconnect and we need to, you know,
• 22:34
  we need to fix that.
• 22:35
  So whenever that happens, whenever we fall short,
• 22:38
  it doesn't mean we failed as parents
• 22:40
  or, you know, that's a terrible, bad thing.
• 22:44
  We can always come back and repair.
• 22:46
  We don't have to be perfect
• 22:48
  because we can come back and we can fix it.
• 22:51
  And the really beautiful thing about that
• 22:52
  is that it teaches our kids
• 22:54
  that they don't have to be perfect either.
• 22:56
  And that when we make mistakes, it's okay, we fix them.
• 23:00
  We figure out what to do, what to do instead.
• 23:02
  So many parents are afraid to apologize to their children.
• 23:06
  They think they're gonna lose power or something,
• 23:08
  or it makes them not the, you know, not the authority,
• 23:11
  but makes all the difference in the world to our connection
• 23:13
  and to our, you know, our maintaining that relationship.
• 23:17
  Or when something disconnects to, you know,
• 23:20
  be able to bring, to be able to bring that back,
• 23:23
  you know, we can just ask for a do-over.
• 23:24
  And it doesn't have to be super formal either.
• 23:28
  Like, yeah, we had, you know, a little situation
• 23:30
  probably in the last week or so in my house.
• 23:32
  And, you know, my husband was having a really long day,
• 23:35
  you know, had had a really long day at work.
• 23:37
  He's got a partially toned rotator cuff,
• 23:40
  so he's a little extra cranky.
• 23:42
  And our son picked up on that and was just, you know,
• 23:45
  seeming a little bit around his dad.
• 23:48
  And, you know, my husband picked up on that too.
• 23:50
  And so, you know, it took all of maybe three minutes
• 23:53
  and they just, you know, my husband acknowledged,
• 23:56
  like, hey dude, this isn't how I want to be around you.
• 24:00
  You know, this is not about you,
• 24:01
  but also I need to do better and not let, you know,
• 24:04
  whatever's going on with me lead into our relationship
• 24:06
  and apologize to him.
• 24:08
  And like literally within just a couple of minutes,
• 24:10
  everything's back to normal
• 24:12
  and everybody's good to go again.
• 24:13
  And so I think it's really important to highlight
• 24:15
  that it doesn't need to be a, you know,
• 24:17
  sit down at the kitchen table and, you know,
• 24:19
  we have this big, huge, long,
• 24:21
  drawn out conversation about stuff.
• 24:22
  It can just be part of our, you know,
• 24:24
  day-to-day conversations, you know, something happens.
• 24:26
  Hey man, that wasn't ideal.
• 24:28
  Like, I'm sorry, I'll do better next time.
• 24:30
  And then we can all, you know, move forward.
• 24:32
  But yeah, being able to just see your parents
• 24:35
  really own their own stuff too,
• 24:37
  I think is really helpful for kids as they grow.
• 24:40
  And, you know, I think that also then, you know,
• 24:42
  teaches them what to expect of relationships
• 24:44
  when they're adults as well.
• 24:46
  And so you get this whole, you know,
• 24:47
  process of it starting with your own parents
• 24:49
  and then, you know, informing how you show up
• 24:52
  as an adult someday in, you know, adult relationships.
• 24:56
  It's really boils down to our being real,
• 24:58
  being real people and letting our kids see us
• 25:00
  as real people.
• 25:01
  We don't have to be this authority or whatever.
• 25:04
  We're real.
• 25:06
  So kids don't need perfect parents.
• 25:09
  They need real parents.
• 25:10
  Yeah.
• 25:11
  You brought up, you know,
• 25:13
  you brought up how Harry was acting also,
• 25:16
  and that just really, you know,
• 25:17
  talks to that behavior isn't communication
• 25:21
  just for our kids, but for us too.
• 25:24
  And it also tells, you know,
• 25:25
  tells the story of what might be going on for us
• 25:27
  and that we need something too.
• 25:29
  So, you know, when we have those moments,
• 25:31
  we just need to understand what's going on in the moment,
• 25:34
  what's going on for our kids developmentally.
• 25:36
  We need to understand who is this child,
• 25:38
  what do they need in this instance?
• 25:40
  And then, you know, am I flowing with that
• 25:42
  or am I trying to make them something that they're not?
• 25:45
  Am I working with, you know,
• 25:47
  their development with that inner essence that they have,
• 25:49
  or am I working against it?
• 25:51
  And, you know, what preparations would make all,
• 25:54
  you know, make things go a lot, a lot easier.
• 25:57
  And then-
• 25:57
  You know, one of the things we learned really early on
• 25:59
  with H is that if he's hungry-
• 26:03
  Oh, yes.
• 26:03
  Everything else falls off.
• 26:06
  Like that child, like, and it's super predictable.
• 26:09
  Like he gets super emotional.
• 26:11
  He gets super frustrated, whatever's going on.
• 26:13
  His emotions get massively heightened.
• 26:16
  And we're like, oh, when was the last time he ate?
• 26:19
  And so-
• 26:20
  Yes, everybody in the family is very well aware
• 26:22
  that when H starts to get a little off,
• 26:26
  he probably needs food.
• 26:27
  He probably needs food.
• 26:28
  And so, you know, at this point we're decently good
• 26:32
  at being like, oh, let's, you know,
• 26:34
  preemptively fix this situation before he loses it.
• 26:38
  Because once he's there, he often doesn't want food.
• 26:41
  No.
• 26:41
  He eats it, so.
• 26:43
  I'm not hungry.
• 26:44
  Yes.
• 26:45
  Yeah, that becomes a whole nother.
• 26:48
  Whole other situation.
• 26:50
  Yeah, I mean, the more that you can, you know,
• 26:52
  figure those kinds of little triggers out for your kids,
• 26:54
  you know, does your child start to lose it
• 26:56
  when they're overtired?
• 26:57
  Does your child start to lose it, you know,
• 26:59
  when they've been around other people for too long?
• 27:02
  You know, overstimulated by, you know,
• 27:06
  whatever's going on in the environment.
• 27:08
  And the more you can predict that
• 27:10
  and kind of work around it,
• 27:13
  the better it gets.
• 27:15
  And again, we then we parent with more ease
• 27:17
  because we're being conscious and we're being aware.
• 27:22
  Well, so as we wrap up, we've got some tips for you.
• 27:27
  So when you're in that mode of feeling like
• 27:30
  you're having, you're trying to be the perfect parent
• 27:32
  or you're failing miserably being the perfect parent,
• 27:36
  check in with yourself.
• 27:37
  You know, what's going on for you?
• 27:39
  What do you need right now?
• 27:41
  You know, what needs might you need to meet for yourself
• 27:44
  as well as your child's?
• 27:47
  And be thinking about too,
• 27:49
  what do you want for who they're going to become?
• 27:51
  So, you know, instead of trying to be perfect
• 27:53
  in this moment, play the long game.
• 27:55
  You know, what do we need to do long-term
• 27:58
  to make sure we have a nice, solid, connected relationship?
• 28:01
  And then give yourself grace, reframe, you know,
• 28:04
  the situation and then decide
• 28:06
  what is the right thing to do right now?
• 28:08
  Making sure that we really make that connection,
• 28:11
  that second tip, make sure we really hold that connection,
• 28:14
  that it really is all about connection.
• 28:17
  So even when perfection evades us, which it will,
• 28:21
  connection is what our kids really need
• 28:23
  because our third tip is that kids need real parents.
• 28:27
  So be real, just be you.
• 28:29
  And, you know, show your kids
• 28:31
  that they don't have to be perfect either.
• 28:33
  And when they do, we all make mistakes.
• 28:36
  So our try this is next time you have a parent,
• 28:41
  a perceived parenting fail,
• 28:43
  you yell, you threaten, whatever it is, ask for a do-over.
• 28:47
  No, I didn't like how that went.
• 28:48
  Could we try again?
• 28:52
  I think that's great.
• 28:54
  Definitely asking for a do-over
• 28:55
  can just sort of take the gunk out of a situation.
• 29:01
  I don't know a better word for it than that,
• 29:02
  but, you know, it helps kids feel, you know,
• 29:05
  back again to that connection.
• 29:07
  You know, the parents are acknowledging
• 29:09
  that there's, you know, something that wasn't ideal.
• 29:12
  And so it keeps that resentment from growing
• 29:14
  and just makes it so that, yeah,
• 29:15
  we can go back into a, you know,
• 29:18
  calm, easeful relationship.
• 29:23
  We can parent with more ease, peace, and joy.