Latest / Mental Health Matters for Christians / Ep7 Questions Christians Are Afraid to Ask About Sex | Sy Rogers

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Ep7 Questions Christians Are Afraid to Ask About Sex | Sy Rogers · Mental Health Matters for Christians

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  So if you want to have sex with that person, then take the risk
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  and responsibility of marrying them.
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  If you don't want to do that, then how dare you think that God
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  is going to look the other way while you take advantage of
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  first what is his property and then somebody else's kid?
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  Because you see God's in the equation.
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  It doesn't matter whether 2 consenting adults want to do
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  something. That's Pagan American world
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  view. And we are called beyond that as
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  believers to the God world view. Hey everybody, I'm Christine
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  Sneeringer. Welcome back to the Mental
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  Health Matters for Christians podcast.
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  Today, I'm excited to bring to you a conversation I had with my
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  mentor. Cy Rogers was a global speaker,
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  teacher, and pastor specializing in sexual redemption themes.
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  I wanted to introduce him to my audience because there have been
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  times in my conversations with guests where I've referenced him
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  and some of you may not know who he is.
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  He's had a profound impact on my life.
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  But his ministry spanned over 3 decades and six continents where
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  he traveled routinely around the world.
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  SIGH passed away in 2020 of cancer.
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  And many of my audience will know who he is, but there are
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  some who would not know. And so this is AQ and A that
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  took place immediately following a parenting seminar on raising
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  sexually healthy children. And these were the questions
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  that were written down by the audience.
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  And I was the one to get to ask the questions of SIGH.
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  So I dug this out of the archives.
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  It's from around 2013. I just wanted you to have a
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  flavor of who he is. There are other teachings on
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  YouTube by him and so feel free to go check those out.
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  But for now, let me present to you AQ and A with.
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  Cy Rogers give another round of applause to Mr. Rogers.
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  You're miked also. Give an applause to Christine.
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  You know, she, she's a friend to my wife and I for many years,
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  but she's also a colleague and a director of a sexual redemption
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  ministry for a number of years. She also acts as a publisher for
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  my resource. So we're very grateful.
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  But Christine also has a history where she's had to come through
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  also sexual wounding and redemption in that area of life
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  and how awesome that she can represent a female voice on
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  concerns in this area. So I appreciate her partnership
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  personally, professionally, a real blessing to my wife and I.
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  And she's going to be serving as our host this evening to ask the
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  questions that you've dared to ask.
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  I'm trying to decide how difficult should we start this.
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  You know, there's a lot of very good questions.
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  All right, let's go here and I'll try to get them in the
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  right order. Thank you.
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  If the marriage bed is underfiled, would you say that
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  oral sex is wrong during marriage?
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  I see our time is up. It's been so good to be here.
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  Now, how did I get into this career?
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  Well, actually, well, you know it.
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  It does matter to talk about this because according to
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  research that was published in Time magazine, just in recent
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  years, research of American teenagers, in their research,
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  they discovered that 50% of American teenagers practice oral
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  sex. And many people think that this
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  is not sexual conduct because it is not intercourse.
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  Isn't that amazing how humans have the ability to rationalize?
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  I mean, I'd love you to run that idea by Doctor Jesus and you get
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  back to me with what he said to you.
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  So when we're talking about oral sex here, we're going to talk
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  about it in the context of marriage because out of
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  marriage, sexual conduct like this I believe is inappropriate.
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  It misses the mark. It is therefore sin.
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  It fails to achieve God's best. Because if you have not taken
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  the risk and responsibility of marriage, it is my opinion, and
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  yet I have the floor. It is my opinion.
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  You were not entitled to any of the reward.
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  Reward that is to defraud, that's to cheat.
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  So if you want to have sex with that person, then take the risk
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  and responsibility of marrying them.
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  If you don't want to do that, then how dare you think that God
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  is going to look the other way while you take advantage of
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  first what is his property and then somebody else's kid.
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  OK. Because you see God's in the
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  equation. It doesn't matter whether 2
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  consenting adults want to do something.
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  That's Pagan American world view, and we are called beyond
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  that as believers to the God world view.
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  Therefore, God's opinion on the matter matters because God
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  values people and therefore our conduct is before the Lord on
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  things like this. And that said, in marriage, I
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  see no biblical prescription against it.
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  But that doesn't automatically mean advocacy for it.
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  True story. When I used to host TV programs
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  on sexual themes, a woman wrote in to me back in the days when
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  we actually wrote people, you know, organically on paper.
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  And she wrote me a letter. And she said in response to the
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  conversation on the TV show that day, which was oral sex, she
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  said, you know, sigh. My husband and I have been
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  married for years, and we enjoy our sexual partnership, and
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  that's included oral sex in our marriage.
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  And, you know, we've done this before the Lord where the Lord's
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  able to speak to us. We care about his opinion and we
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  do this by mutual agreement. Nobody's using somebody or
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  degrading somebody or exploiting somebody.
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  You know, we enjoy this in our marriage as an enhancement in
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  lovemaking. We're not obsessed about it.
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  We're not preoccupied with it. It's just an enhancement of
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  enjoying each other's bodies. And, and you know, we are in
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  agreement when we do this and we've never felt conviction and
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  that she to me described probably the healthiest scenario
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  of that in a marriage. Do you see what made it appear
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  healthier before the Lord? They've invited him to speak and
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  bring conviction. So they are open to hearing
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  God's opinion on the matter and they've talked about it.
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  And they've come to an agreement that whatever they are
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  practicing, they are doing it mutually by agreement.
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  Nobody's being coerced, nobody's being used.
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  They are in mutual agreement. Then you know, they're not
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  preoccupied. This is an enhancement in their
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  lovemaking, but it's not the only lovemaking.
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  They're not preoccupied or obsessing, but they're enjoying
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  each body, each other's body. Kind of like in Song of Solomon,
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  the one lover says to the other, your body is as a garden of
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  delights to me. So this provides the idea of
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  possibility. And so to me, that's probably
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  the healthiest depiction I've ever heard.
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  Now, all that said, let's take a look at the other side of that
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  issue in marriage. You know, back in the days when
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  I used to be a pastoral caregiver doing pastoral care
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  five days a week on sexual themes for 15 years, I also used
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  to have support groups, not just for men who struggled or women
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  who struggled, but we also have had support groups for spouses
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  of men who struggled. And in that group, I got
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  interesting feedback from the wives and the wives would say
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  things like this, like, yeah, he wants me to do that for him and,
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  and I do, but, you know, I really don't like it.
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  And it really makes me feel degraded.
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  And I wish he could pick up on that.
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  And sometimes it would get deeper and darker and worse.
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  He says if I don't do that, that I'm not in submission.
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  And may I interject? That's called spiritual abuse,
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  said the daddy of the daughter. Can you imagine conversations I
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  had with my son-in-law? Anyway, I'm so glad that I can
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  trust him with my daughter because he has earned it, and
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  that gives me great relief. Still, you know, many times I've
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  heard from wives. My husband insists I do this,
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  and if I don't do it for him, he says he'll go get it somewhere
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  else. And I'd probably maybe not say
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  to her face, but I might wonder. He's probably getting it anyway
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  because to talk to her like that reflects contempt and an attempt
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  to control. And that's called being a
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  selfish brat exploiting a wife. Because good sex and marriage is
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  not a good orgasm at your spouse's expense.
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  Good sex and marriage is your spouse feeling loved and valued
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  and respected, not used selfishly.
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  Would you agree? Because I'll tell you what, when
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  a wife feels used, that will sow the seat of resentment and
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  nothing will drive a part of marriage like the root of
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  resentment. So I would just encourage
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  husbands, just because you know something's possible and
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  pleasurable doesn't automatically make it right and
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  smart. As we hear in the word that
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  everything may be permissible, but not everything is
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  beneficial. Let every man deny himself for
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  the sake of others. And my wife has given me
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  permission to share this, that in our marriage, we do not
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  practice oral sex because of my associations with that.
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  I would not feel comfortable to bring that into our marriage.
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  And you know what? I love my wife.
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  Heavens, I I don't have to swing from chandeliers and launch
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  rockets to have a good time with my wife, you know, And so it's.
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  Good to know. Well, I know, I know you're all
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  relieved, but but my point is, if this is something that you
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  and your spouse enjoy, it's not my business to judge it.
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  That's between you and your spouse and God.
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  But if it is becoming detrimental or hindrance in your
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  relationship, that's when you might want to talk it through or
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  even talk it through with the marriage and family counselor to
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  get rid of, of, of resentment or, or tension.
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  It's important that you work it through and talk it through that
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  you're on the same page and then can go forward and enjoy
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  whatever you've agreed to do. At least you're on the same page
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  mutually in agreement. And then you can go forward
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  clearing the decks of any kind of resentments that might be
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  there. You don't want them to linger.
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  And my wife and I've talked it through.
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  We've come to our conclusion and you will need to do the same as
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  grown-ups where others don't tell you what to do.
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  The two of you determine that. But I hope that helps a bit.
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  That's a great answer. OK, so that was the hardest
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  question. So now it's going to get.
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  Yeah. Well, I mean, this is another
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  difficult topic, but I mean, but you just did the hardest
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  question. Thank you.
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  So the next few are about masturbation, which I know
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  you've covered in the seminar, but there may be more to say
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  about it. You can decide.
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  OK. So like for example, how would
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  you start a conversation with your 15 year old son about
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  dating and masturbation? Well, don't do it on a date.
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  That's great advice. Well, and other places also, but
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  still, I think that what we want to always encourage our our kids
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  with this idea about any sexual conduct is that God is in the
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  room with them. When you're on a date and you
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  want to go too far, God's in the car because God's not the radio.
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  You don't turn him off when you wish to be naughty.
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  And then when you come to your senses, turn him back on.
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  God is present. He is present.
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  And the sooner we become aware of this, how much better we will
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  be thoughtful and circumspect in our conduct with ourselves and
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  with others. And when you want to look at
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  Internet porn and masturbate to it, God's in the room with you.
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  Like that marvelous Oswald Chambers quote says there is no
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  heaven with a little corner of hell in it.
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  God will not let you escape for one moment the scrutiny of His
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  Holy Spirit. God will bring you out
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  undefiled. All right.
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  But right now we want you to see your attitude which actually
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  thinks that you have a right to yourself.
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  When we claim the name, we profoundly give up our right to
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  ourselves. But it's just our awareness
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  increases of that fact. I love that the rest of that
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  Oswald Chambers quote on this issue to the that he says it is
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  a piercing thing to realize the gutters God will crawl through
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  with us. Aren't you glad he'll crawl
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  through with and not abandon us in the gutter.
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  That's devotion, that's advocacy and I'm grateful for it.
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  But still I think that we recognize that a lot of young
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  adults today. They do other things other than
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  just having sex on a date. They've become creative now and
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  I've even had teenagers ask me is, is it OK to masturbate, then
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  do mutual masturbation? There's a lot going on out
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  there. And since the world is going to
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  give us advice in Cosmo magazine and in Sex in the City, I think
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  that we live in a culture now where we can feel free to be
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  forthright and frank in conversation.
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  Because sex Ed curriculums in schools are and, and television
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  and media and film, it's all very straightforward.
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  And so we can afford to be straightforward too.
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  And I think one of the parenting advantages is, is when we do
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  kind of drop the bomb on our kids, hey, you know what?
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  If you're ever on a date, I don't want you to think that
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  just because you're not having intercourse, everything else is
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  OK. And if you want to talk about
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  that, I'd be glad to. But don't think I don't know
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  what goes on. And then walk out of the room.
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  That will give them something to ponder, but just letting them
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  know that you are in tune with the world in which they live,
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  and that you weren't born yesterday, and that you too have
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  had to navigate through your sexuality.
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  And that you're saying it not to shock them or shame them, but to
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  give them that advantage of opportunity to come to you if
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  they need to. Or that even if they're out
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  there on that date, God's watching.
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  And I'll ultimately find out about it 'cause God's a
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  blabbermouth. So anyway, thank God my
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  daughter's married. We got that ship launched
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  anyway. I think we can afford to be
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  forthright in beginning conversations, I guess, to get
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  to the issue and answering the question.
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  Well, I'll just keep going with the masturbation theme for a
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  couple more minutes here because it's it's something that people
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  want to know about. I know it was the number one
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  question that we were asked. From different angles too.
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  And so I'll just give you the last few on it.
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  That's not the last few questions, but OK, because it,
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  it seems like people want to know from different age groups,
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  things like that. And, and we're not going to talk
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  about every single age, but for example, how do you explain to
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  your child masturbation is wrong?
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  What can you do to help your son or daughter to overcome
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  masturbation? What do what, what advice or
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  instruction can we give a teenager that struggles with
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  masturbation? And what do you teach a 5 year
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  old to help guide him in the future to possibly avoid the
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  pitfall? So it's like, you know, you
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  know, yes, teenager. And then prevention the whole
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  preemptive idea. Boy, those are a lot of
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  different little facets to the issue.
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  Well, there's two more, but do those first.
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  And don't you think I don't recognize your handwriting?
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  So I think especially for anyone who struggles with masturbation,
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  ultimately our goal is self-control over what we think
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  and therefore consequently what we end up doing with our private
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  parts. Maybe God didn't directly speak
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  about what we do with our private parts regarding
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  masturbation in the word, because it's really not about
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  that only. That's really kind of the fruit,
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  if you will, of what happens here.
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  And God does speak about what goes on here.
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  But if we who are adult have a difficult time reining ourselves
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  in, in thought and deed, managing everything from diet to
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  language to attitude in traffic, if we are not perfectly self
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  controlled consistently, evenly every day under every pressure
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  and stress, why do we think our teenagers are going to be doing
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  better? Just because we said you
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  shouldn't do it, you know? So we really need to have a
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  realistic perspective here. We expect grace from God and
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  patience from God and generosity from God.
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  I think we need to extend that to our children.
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  But if there is a standard, it is meant for our benefit, and
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  the benefit of self-control means I learned to eventually
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  master my mind and my body instead of it mastering me.
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  And there in there was great advantage to that.
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  And it is also evidence of the Holy Spirit at work in our
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  lives. But it is also true, I'm not
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  going to expect a 15 year old to have the self-control
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  wherewithal that maybe a 45 year old should be demonstrating.
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  Would you follow my thinking there?
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  But I do want that 15 year old to still enter into that
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  conversation that the best goal is self-control.
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  Because the more you feed an appetite, the the stronger it
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  will grow. The stronger it grows, the more
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  controlling it becomes. And because sex is ever present,
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  I can't run away from my private parts.
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  They are ever present and I can't run away from my
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  imagination. It's ever present and capable of
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  being cultivated. Therefore I've got to
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  continually maintain control over it.
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  That it doesn't begin to exert control over me.
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  It really is one of the other. So to begin that conversation
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  that there may be masturbation opportunity and episode, but we
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  want to keep that curtailed. We want to aim toward the mark
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  of self-control. Now, for some people who've been
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  very degraded, I've talked with so many young men who have
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  gotten involved in pornography early and mom and dad didn't
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  know and they've been looking at porn as young adults.
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  They don't understand consequence.
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  You know, one of the features of neurological development in
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  teenage years is that they don't actually have the brain neurons
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  to understand consequence fully. That's why teenagers can be so
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  risk taking. They don't understand the
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  ramifications till later. So in they're looking at porn
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  and masturbating to it. They cultivate this controlling
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  pattern in their lives. And they feel ashamed.
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  And a part of them, they love God.
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  But then they were very ashamed before God.
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  And I've had, you know, young men tell me things like, yeah, I
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  do this five times a day or more, and I don't seem to be
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  able to stop it. And I beg God to take it away.
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  And I vow to God that I'm just going to stop cold Turkey and
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  never do it again. And I just seem to never do it,
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  I said, or I never seem to be able to stop it.
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  I said, you know what, as wishful thinking as you've got
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  and as idealistic as you'd like to be in what you're really
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  telling me is you're in the basement and you'd like to leap
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  to the 15th floor of complete self-control, even though you
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  know God wants that for you. You're not going to leap there
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  in one big, I'll never do it again wishful statement.
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  Are you with me? But what you can do is take the
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  stairs to the 15th floor. So if you're struggling every
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  single day, I will not love you less.
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  And I'm glad you felt you could tell me.
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  And I empathize with you and have compassion on you.
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  And how much better is God? But I do want to see you
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  cultivate control. And you can retrain that brain.
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  You've trained it badly. You've knocked down the wall.
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  You can rebuild it in self-control, but that may mean
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  taking the stairs. So if you're masturbating five
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  times a day, I give you permission to do that once.
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  Let's see if we can achieve just once.
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  Once a day. Once a day.
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  And if you can achieve that for two weeks, once a day, then
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  let's try every other day. And if you can achieve that
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  every other day, you know what that's told me in just a month?
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  That you went from five times a day to now every other day.
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  And that's a lot of progress. You've climbed a few stairs and
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  that tells me you can actually do this.
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  Plus you're beginning to change brain chemistry as you build a
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  new pattern. And then let's try this once
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  every 4th day. And then let's try this.
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  And then at the end of 1/4, just 1/4 of the year, this person may
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  be down to simply once every other week or once a month.
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  And they will have sensed a great ability to achieve that
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  was not forthcoming earlier. And they have also trained brain
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  chemistry and learned to rein in an appetite that had previously
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  been over cultivated and was controlling them.
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  That's the staircase approach. Oh, it makes great spiritual
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  claim to say I just stopped it and never did it again.
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  And if you're one of those, I'm glad for you, the one of you who
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  achieved that. But for the rest of us at least,
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  taking the stairs and persevering still enables 1 to
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  obtain the prize of self-control.
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  And especially knowing when it comes to that issue, God lives
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  in us too, willing to do His will.
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  His will being self-control means He's not outside of me,
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  judging me, watching me and expecting me to get the job
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  done. And I'd better do it and make
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  Him happy quick. He lives in me to help me do
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  this. He's the God in me helping me
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  toward that mark. So I hope if you struggle with
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  any kind of life controlling issue, you won't give up.
• 21:12
  You'll get up and keep aiming toward that mark.
• 21:15
  And if you need outside support, like a support group, well then
• 21:17
  get it. It'll help strengthen you in
• 21:20
  that those weaker days of beginning that effort.
• 21:23
  These two are are related and it's not so much about
• 21:27
  masturbation because it's younger children, but it is
• 21:29
  still again, the idea of of, you know, the curiosity about
• 21:34
  touching themselves. How do you instruct a young
• 21:35
  child between like 4 to 8 years old on their curiosity of
• 21:39
  touching themselves? And another parent asks, how do
• 21:42
  you address the issue of your young boy playing with his and
• 21:46
  touching his private parts? I don't know that he is getting
• 21:48
  aroused per SE, but when I told him he shouldn't do that, he
• 21:52
  said why? What is the best approach to
• 21:54
  this? Why?
• 21:58
  And I'd like to ask that parent, but please don't put your hand
• 22:01
  up. I'd like to ask that parent.
• 22:03
  What did you say? Of course they asked me.
• 22:07
  Well I can assure you as a daddy of a child who discovered her
• 22:11
  body like all kids do, there is an innocence in body discovery
• 22:16
  because they are not jaded like we are as adults with a greater
• 22:21
  knowing. And we who have gone through
• 22:23
  sexualization and the defilements of life look and
• 22:26
  interpret what they're doing from a shame based perspective
• 22:30
  with adult knowing. They do not possess that.
• 22:34
  And so when we react and say don't touch yourself like that,
• 22:36
  they are right to say why. It's my body and it is their
• 22:42
  body given to them by God and by golly they are going to discover
• 22:48
  and explore it. And why not?
• 22:52
  You explore your car, you walk through your house and why would
• 22:56
  you not get to know your body and every single bit of it,
• 22:59
  including the important private parts?
• 23:03
  But their discovery is not sexual, not defiled, and not
• 23:08
  evil. Nor should it be based in shame.
• 23:12
  But distraction is a wonderful thing.
• 23:14
  Hey, honey, what you doing? Well, you know what's on TV
• 23:17
  right now? Distraction.
• 23:23
  Hey, honey, you know what? I see that you put your fingers
• 23:26
  there. You know that's an opening in
• 23:27
  your body and you know your fingers have germs.
• 23:29
  You don't want to put them there.
• 23:30
  That's a very sensitive part of the body and you don't want to
• 23:33
  get an infection and have to go to the doctor.
• 23:35
  So we really shouldn't do that. We need to take care.
• 23:37
  See, there, I've not only told the biological truth, there's no
• 23:40
  shame attached to it. And I haven't shamed her for
• 23:43
  being interested. I've simply redirected.
• 23:46
  Big difference isn't there is you're not going to stop your
• 23:48
  kids from exploring their bodies and nor should you.
• 23:51
  But we want to redirect away from it becoming a
• 23:53
  preoccupation. And of course, soon enough, you
• 23:57
  know, people discover that there is pleasure in touching those
• 24:00
  parts. They don't always discover it
• 24:01
  immediately, but when they do, we want to remind them that part
• 24:05
  of the body can be irritated, that part of the body can be
• 24:08
  pleasured. But we want to make sure that we
• 24:09
  don't overdo that. And so you need to be careful.
• 24:13
  And so once again, you're putting a bit of a boundary
• 24:14
  that's not assigning shame, shame, shame.
• 24:18
  But see, when we have this reaction, you shouldn't do that.
• 24:20
  Where did that come from? Who told you that?
• 24:24
  I can't imagine. God saying don't you touch your
• 24:27
  private part. So while we.
• 24:32
  Have shame in a fallen condition and our family systems have
• 24:35
  furthered the generation of shame upon us.
• 24:38
  We can do better than that for our kids.
• 24:41
  And for our? Grandkids so preoccupation.
• 24:45
  What are you doing, Hun? Hey, you know what?
• 24:47
  Let's go get an ice cream I. Don't know.
• 24:52
  Whatever works. Distraction is an awesome thing.
• 24:55
  God does it to it all the time. But Lord, I want that.
• 24:58
  Oh look, another shiny thing. So.
• 25:03
  I hope that. Will encourage you now if I just
• 25:05
  one last idea on this. If you notice kid, your child
• 25:09
  really, really preoccupied, you might want to be asking why is
• 25:14
  there a daily preoccupation and why, if distraction isn't
• 25:19
  working, then you may want to go down the path of getting some
• 25:22
  more informed insight. And again, the book How and When
• 25:25
  to Tell Your Kids About Sex by Doctor Stanton Jones of Wheaton,
• 25:29
  College psychologist and author and a man who addresses sexual
• 25:33
  themes. He's got such good insight, even
• 25:37
  on issues just like this to give you further encouragement and
• 25:40
  kind of also let you know when maybe it's important to seek out
• 25:43
  more informed counsel. Sometimes I think parents,
• 25:46
  especially of young kids, don't quite know where to draw the
• 25:48
  line on a lot of things with their children and parenting,
• 25:51
  and this can be one of those. His book gives good advice.
• 25:56
  Thank you. We're.
• 25:57
  Going to move on to the issue of pornography.
• 25:58
  All right, OK, there's several questions on that.
• 26:02
  Just a simple one. I'll, I'll read them all.
• 26:04
  And then because sometimes they're related.
• 26:06
  Yeah, How do we fight pornography addiction?
• 26:10
  This man is asks. He says I've been addicted to
• 26:13
  pornography for 15 to 20 years. That that led to the dissolution
• 26:16
  of his marriage. His son was exposed to
• 26:18
  pornography as a boy. Now they've both been off and on
• 26:22
  with this issue and this struggle.
• 26:24
  How does he help himself and help his son?
• 26:28
  I can't think of. A better thing to do than to
• 26:30
  join in camaraderie toward the healthy path together and to be
• 26:34
  able to get help, belong to a support group and to be an
• 26:39
  example of taking responsible action toward a healthy outcome
• 26:44
  is an amazing example to a son and especially a son who needs
• 26:48
  it. To be able to say, I went off
• 26:50
  track and I'm getting back on track and here's what I'm doing.
• 26:54
  You watch my example. That's a profound thing, don't
• 26:57
  you think? And, and, and what could be more
• 27:00
  practical? And then to pray for son and to
• 27:03
  encourage son and to join with son in that recovery journey.
• 27:08
  How awesome is that, That OK, you find yourselves in a ditch
• 27:12
  together, but at the same time, you don't have to stay in that
• 27:15
  ditch. You can climb out and move down
• 27:17
  a path of health and encourage one another on the journey.
• 27:22
  In fact, really we should be doing this with one another in
• 27:24
  the family of faith. In fact, a therapist friend of
• 27:28
  mine said we really should just call Christianity sinners,
• 27:30
  anonymous, and be done with it. You know, we're all getting over
• 27:33
  stuff and we all struggle to master stuff, and we can all
• 27:36
  fall off the wagon from week to week.
• 27:38
  And that's why we need each other on the path as father
• 27:41
  figures and mentors, as examples and his brothers and supporting
• 27:44
  one another toward that better mark.
• 27:46
  So I hope that will encourage you take action, get
• 27:50
  accountability, get educated about what it takes to retrain
• 27:53
  the brain and mastermind and body.
• 27:55
  You can. Just as you trained it badly,
• 27:58
  you can now train it more deliberately down the path of
• 28:00
  health. It may take time, but it's worth
• 28:02
  the investment. It took time to get defiled.
• 28:05
  It'll take a little time to sow new seed, weed out the old weeds
• 28:09
  in the garden and wait for the new seed to germinate and bring
• 28:11
  forth new fruit. But that farming idea in mind,
• 28:14
  it takes time. But every sowing, every
• 28:17
  watering, every effort is really worth it in bringing about the
• 28:20
  the better fruit in the future. So don't give up fact insights
• 28:24
  about retraining the brain or so forth coming.
• 28:27
  There's a book out called False Intimacy by a clinician, Dr.
• 28:31
  Harry Shomburg, and he gives really good information to help
• 28:35
  men retrain the brain to conquer sex addiction and the power of
• 28:39
  pornography. And he has a chapter 2 for wives
• 28:43
  that they can be encouraged about the part that they can
• 28:45
  play. There's also a book called An
• 28:47
  Affair of the Mind. And conversely, this is the
• 28:51
  journey of a woman whose husband refused to deal with his sex
• 28:56
  addiction. His love of pornography
• 28:58
  destroyed their marriage and he loved it even more than the
• 29:01
  marriage. And he never had breakthrough at
• 29:03
  the point of her writing the book.
• 29:04
  But she told the story of how she got healthy and the sake of
• 29:08
  her own life and that of her family.
• 29:09
  She was able to go forward and God bring redemption into her
• 29:13
  own experience. So sometimes situations aren't
• 29:16
  perfect an outcome, at least not yet.
• 29:18
  But still, as we surrender ourselves in circumstance to
• 29:21
  God, he has the opportunity to access it and bring redemption.
• 29:24
  And I hope that that will encourage you to should that be
• 29:27
  a concern. Well, this parent.
• 29:28
  Writes about her adult son who struggles with pornography but
• 29:33
  also feels called to ministry and feels like he's failed God
• 29:37
  and wants to know how to help him move forward in the area
• 29:40
  without the guilt because he has such a a black and white
• 29:43
  mentality on this issue. This is what, a young adult son?
• 29:47
  That's what they said. An adult son, I find that young
• 29:49
  adults. Tend to be a a bit more black
• 29:50
  and white. They tend to have a little less
• 29:53
  objectivity. They don't see the Shades of
• 29:56
  Grey right away. And that's also partly due to
• 29:58
  brain wiring type, excuse me. And, you know, suffering
• 30:05
  conviction, It's painful, but at least it moves you toward
• 30:10
  repentance and resolution, right?
• 30:13
  But condemnation fosters shame. And how?
• 30:18
  Like the devil to want to rob this young man of his future.
• 30:21
  His calling may be real, but he's been hijacked and sabotaged
• 30:26
  and he's now in this ditch. But knowing that he's in the
• 30:29
  ditch, well, at least now he can climb out.
• 30:31
  But beating himself up that he's been in the ditch is not going
• 30:34
  to help him. Realizing that humans are
• 30:36
  vulnerable, and he has been, will actually serve in his
• 30:40
  perspective in ministry. He will have a new empathy for
• 30:43
  others. When you have tasted failure,
• 30:46
  when you know what it's like to be trapped but also to be
• 30:49
  forgiven and freed, that gives you an empathy for those you
• 30:53
  serve. And that will help him be a much
• 30:55
  better pastoral worker. It will give him an
• 30:58
  understanding into human dynamics and the schemes of
• 31:01
  Satan against those he will be called to serve.
• 31:04
  So just because he's failed in youth does not mean he's washed
• 31:07
  up. It means now he knows where he's
• 31:10
  vulnerable and will have to attend to it.
• 31:12
  What was it that Paige Brown said?
• 31:14
  It's nice to know your strengths.
• 31:17
  It's life and death to know your weaknesses.
• 31:19
  Well, now he knows. And so climbing out of the ditch
• 31:22
  he can getting his act together, he can understanding others he
• 31:27
  now will, and understanding himself.
• 31:29
  And God's marvelous redemption can be the positive way forward,
• 31:35
  where all this bad can be turned to good, where the manure can be
• 31:38
  made into fertilizer to cause things to grow.
• 31:41
  Those are funny metaphors, but they're still true.
• 31:45
  And so I hope he won't give up on his calling and his destiny.
• 31:48
  But first, let there be a season of getting his own act together,
• 31:52
  getting his act together, becoming responsible, being able
• 31:55
  to manage mind and body for a period of two to five years
• 31:58
  before he goes into a real public platform of higher
• 32:01
  pressure and scrutiny. That if he is an example, it's
• 32:04
  one who has learned to master mind and body to that degree
• 32:09
  that he's controlling his sexuality.
• 32:11
  It's not still controlling him. So I hope that will be good
• 32:14
  encouragement for the situation. Is it OK?
• 32:19
  To look at pornography with my spouse, no.
• 32:24
  Is there a question? Let me tell you why.
• 32:27
  Pornography, in my opinion, and pornography according to its
• 32:32
  most literal definition, is any form of visual or verbal
• 32:36
  communication that turns you on. What's pornography to one person
• 32:40
  may not be to another, but it's not just X-rated material that
• 32:44
  is pornographic. There's a lot of material in
• 32:47
  Shades of Grey that can be yet provocative, even if it isn't
• 32:50
  classified by government as X-rated.
• 32:53
  Still, when we're thinking of X-rated pornography, I've even
• 32:56
  heard some Christian ministers say, oh, if you and your wife
• 32:58
  are having a difficulty in marriage relationship, we'll
• 33:01
  bring some, you know, look at some pornography together.
• 33:04
  I'd say don't do that. And let me tell you why.
• 33:08
  There are other ways to bring stimulation, like physical
• 33:11
  contact. The way our bodies are actually
• 33:14
  wired, we can be stimulated without needing it to be done by
• 33:18
  looking at other people undressed and in sex acts.
• 33:24
  Therefore. I think that's wrong advice to
• 33:26
  look at porn. And let me tell you another
• 33:28
  reason why porn degrades people. Those people who are in
• 33:33
  pornographic images are sons and daughters of somebody.
• 33:37
  Those people in pornographic images are probably being sex
• 33:40
  trafficked. Those people in pornographic
• 33:43
  images are supporting the mob because it's the mob that
• 33:48
  generally produces pornographic material and you don't want to
• 33:52
  be supporting the mafia. Additionally, pornography helps
• 33:57
  to sponsor sex trafficking. It is estimated there are
• 34:00
  27,000,000 sex slaves today in the world.
• 34:04
  It's a nightmare. So we don't want to be
• 34:07
  sponsoring or supporting that, do we?
• 34:10
  And I, I can't think of any positive feature in pornography
• 34:16
  that deserves money, that deserves my viewing it.
• 34:20
  God's heart is broken over people who are degraded in
• 34:23
  pornography because ultimately they were made in His image.
• 34:27
  And many times people involved in pornography, they've also
• 34:30
  been involved in prostitution. Their lives are very broken.
• 34:33
  Why are they something that, you know what?
• 34:35
  What is it they're producing for us that we want to feed our
• 34:38
  lives on in the name of stimulating our marriage?
• 34:41
  Is there not, therefore, a better way?
• 34:44
  So fair enough if your marriage, you know, has had problems with
• 34:48
  regard to sexual intimacy. That happens.
• 34:50
  There are physiological, relational and psychological
• 34:53
  reasons for that, and fair enough too.
• 34:55
  We may want to address those. But that doesn't mean that's the
• 34:58
  way to do it, in my opinion. There are healthier ways that
• 35:01
  don't degrade you and feed into this whole dark system that is
• 35:05
  so destructive and enslaving and corruptive pornography.
• 35:10
  You don't want to go there. And if you've been there, stop
• 35:13
  it, in my opinion, and allow the Lord begin to wash you and then
• 35:17
  even pray for those in that whole scene, that whole industry
• 35:22
  of darkness, that they will become freed and that they will
• 35:25
  know the love and cleansing of of our Redeemer, that he will
• 35:28
  take them further. That's why I just love it.
• 35:30
  Though in the New Testament, in fact, the Old Testament to God
• 35:33
  has those examples of sexual redemption.
• 35:36
  Rahab the prostitute, Samson and King David failed in spite of
• 35:40
  being anointed. You know, the woman at the well
• 35:44
  and Mary Magdalene and the adulteress, they all had their
• 35:47
  encounters with the Lord Jesus who took them beyond their
• 35:50
  sexual sin and lifestyles. The New Testament church in
• 35:53
  Corinth where you know, Paul makes that amazing statement.
• 35:56
  Some of you here used to sleep around before you were married,
• 35:59
  and some of you here have been guilty of adultery, and some of
• 36:02
  you in this congregation have been caught up in pornography
• 36:05
  and prostitution, and some of you were involved homosexually,
• 36:08
  but you're not anymore because of Jesus, who has, you know, he
• 36:12
  has declared you no longer guilty and he has cleansed you
• 36:14
  from your defilement. He has adopted you into the
• 36:16
  family of faith. I find that so heartening and a
• 36:19
  wonderful reminder that God's bigger than all that darkness.
• 36:22
  Amen. That's right along those.
• 36:25
  Lines I've heard people talk about how in, in with
• 36:28
  pornography addiction that you have to keep getting into
• 36:31
  deeper, deeper levels of pornography to to get arousal.
• 36:35
  And secondly, with, with your spouse to that question, there
• 36:39
  can be times where you end up, you know, trying to compare your
• 36:42
  lover to what's what you see on the screen.
• 36:44
  And and that's can be harmful as well, you know.
• 36:48
  It's hard for a real world woman to compete with an airbrush
• 36:54
  fantasy. It's just not fair.
• 36:58
  But this false image, this false standard of comparison is so
• 37:02
  widely available. And, you know, it's not that
• 37:08
  pornography necessarily turns especially men who look at this
• 37:11
  into sex monsters who go out raping and pillaging.
• 37:14
  But what it does tend to do is turn men away from real world
• 37:18
  women toward fantasy women, where the woman is ever present
• 37:22
  on his terms, ever available and his control never threatening
• 37:27
  his ego. He's always the master and gets
• 37:30
  to have that power. And so how can a woman possibly
• 37:34
  compete with this? It actually dampens down real
• 37:37
  world sex. But at the same time there are
• 37:39
  those dark other examples and exceptions that the more some
• 37:43
  men have fed on pornography, the darker and deeper it has gone.
• 37:47
  And I know of a true story, a young man at, I believe about
• 37:51
  both 14 or so, he found a stash of hardcore porn dumped in an
• 37:56
  alley. And he began to look at it and
• 37:58
  feed on it. And as a 14 year old kid, he
• 38:00
  didn't have that full adult understanding of what this would
• 38:02
  do to him and what it meant to him.
• 38:04
  All he knew is that this was, you know, arousing and it was
• 38:08
  his secret stash and, and he liked it.
• 38:10
  So we looked at it and fed his soul on it.
• 38:13
  And of course, he masturbated to it and began to create that
• 38:15
  neurochemical pattern. And the problem, as you
• 38:18
  described, is called the desensitization, an escalation.
• 38:21
  Seesaw drug addicts experience it too, that yesterday's hit
• 38:25
  won't get you high today. You have to go deeper, darker,
• 38:28
  get more, more intensity because your brain gets acclimated.
• 38:32
  And so it needs more to get the hit.
• 38:35
  This is true even orgasmically speaking.
• 38:37
  When you look at porn and masturbate to it, it's a similar
• 38:40
  kick, not for everybody, but for many.
• 38:43
  And sometimes it really goes down the path of the extreme.
• 38:46
  So this young man grew up and he was now going to college and I
• 38:50
  think he was a pre Med student. That meant he was smart.
• 38:54
  He probably had a calling on his life to serve humanity.
• 38:57
  And so he was smart and he was good looking too.
• 38:59
  He could get the girls. And you know, having fed this
• 39:02
  appetite, it was now very powerful and he was sexually
• 39:05
  active and he began to want to emulate the things that he saw
• 39:09
  in this hardcore pornography. And this was a certain type of
• 39:12
  pornography that was very violent against women.
• 39:16
  So sometimes he tried to coerce women or encourage women or
• 39:19
  seduce women into doing these things.
• 39:21
  A lot of women resisted. Some would go along.
• 39:24
  And that further fanned the flame of desire, intensifying
• 39:27
  this appetite he fed through porn.
• 39:29
  And until finally one day he killed a woman accidentally in
• 39:32
  violent sex. This brought him to a new level
• 39:35
  of high. And so he began to prey upon
• 39:38
  women. He finally ended up in my city
• 39:40
  in Florida. His 27th victim was a nine year
• 39:44
  old girl. And of course, I'm talking about
• 39:47
  the man who became the famous serial killer, Ted Bundy.
• 39:52
  He started out in. Life as just a kid, as he said,
• 39:55
  from a reasonably normal middle class home.
• 39:58
  He wanted to be a doctor, and this is how that turned out.
• 40:03
  And so he was executed and he gave only one interview, and
• 40:08
  that was with the famous Christian psychologist Doctor
• 40:11
  James Dobson. And he wanted to give that
• 40:13
  interview as a warning. Of the harrowing consequence of
• 40:18
  feeding his soul on pornography. So while we can't blame porn for
• 40:23
  the wrong choices he made, we can blame porn for fueling an
• 40:28
  appetite that eventually LED down that path.
• 40:32
  So most people don't end up there.
• 40:35
  Thank God, because many people feed on pornography and many of
• 40:40
  them do not become demonized and controlled that way.
• 40:44
  But He does give us a sobering reminder that that everything
• 40:48
  leads to something else. And it can be a dangerous
• 40:50
  downward spiral for certain types of people.
• 40:53
  And that's why if you find you've been out of control of
• 40:55
  sexual appetite again, go get accountability, get support and
• 40:59
  help. Get education, But deal with it
• 41:02
  responsibly before it deals further with you is my
• 41:05
  encouragement. And God lives in you too, and to
• 41:08
  do His will to help you regain control, right?
• 41:12
  OK, have you found this useful? Let me just remind you.
• 41:15
  Thank you. Let me just remind you of a
• 41:17
  couple of important things. My wisdom is limited and is not
• 41:21
  the final word. And I don't know everything.
• 41:24
  And I reserve the right to be wrong and learn better, learn
• 41:28
  more. However, I do want to encourage
• 41:31
  you because I'm not a psychiatrist, I am not a
• 41:34
  therapist in the clinical sense. My perspective is personal and
• 41:37
  pastoral, that you may be very wise to seek out further
• 41:41
  informed professional counseling and advice for some of the
• 41:44
  situations that have been represented here.
• 41:47
  I do the best I can to serve you from a pastoral point of view
• 41:50
  and from my own journey and experience.
• 41:52
  But you deserve the best information.
• 41:56
  And while there are books and support groups and websites
• 41:59
  available, and like with pornography, safe-families.org
• 42:04
  to help you find Internet strategies to protect your kids
• 42:07
  and yourself as well. And also netsmarts, That's
• 42:12
  smarts. Ending with AZ, netsmarts.org
• 42:17
  and safe eyes. I'm sorry, sayfamilies.org, go
• 42:25
  to these websites and you can get further resource to help you
• 42:28
  deal with some of these concerns long after tonight is done, but
• 42:32
  also long after our time here is concluded.
• 42:34
  Your situation, some of them represented here and listening
• 42:37
  to me as well, may be best served by professional Christian
• 42:42
  care, informed counseling, and for the books and resources
• 42:46
  written by people who know this better than I do.
• 42:48
  But I hope our conversation has still been encouraging and
• 42:51
  inspiring for you. Our neighbor kid is.
• 42:54
  A boy, but he always wants to dress up in girl clothes.
• 42:58
  Should I encourage this? No.
• 43:01
  But neither do you want. To shame him.
• 43:03
  I think what we want to do, and I don't know the age of the
• 43:05
  child involved here, but you don't want to see a kid cross
• 43:08
  identify. Now.
• 43:11
  Let's make a good point here. A little kid, he's a little boy
• 43:15
  and he's in in a home and he's got older sisters and they get
• 43:18
  to drive the car and they get to go to the movies and he's just a
• 43:21
  little boy looking at them and he sees them get the fancy
• 43:23
  clothes and do all this stuff. He may not have an older brother
• 43:26
  to identify with. And depending on where dad is in
• 43:29
  this equation, he may identify off of what sisters are doing
• 43:33
  and say, I want my fingernails painted like that or I want to
• 43:36
  wear a dress like her. Don't let it rock your world.
• 43:40
  And if you need to react emotionally, go into a bedroom
• 43:43
  and scream into a pillow. Then, when you finally collected
• 43:46
  yourself, come back into the situation with some calm and
• 43:51
  responsible response, right? But we don't want a shame.
• 43:55
  We want to redirect. Well, son, girls tend to paint
• 43:58
  their nails, boys generally don't.
• 44:00
  And I know it looks kind of cool, but at the same time, it's
• 44:04
  just something that guys don't do unless you're in a punk band.
• 44:07
  So you know what's something that you'd like to do?
• 44:12
  I mean, it is kind of pretty and I understand why you think it's
• 44:15
  attractive. And it's not like the end of the
• 44:17
  world if you want me to paint a nail.
• 44:18
  But at the same time, this is something that's kind of
• 44:21
  special. We reserve it for the girls.
• 44:23
  But it does look cool, doesn't it?
• 44:24
  Kind of talking that through without shaming and not shaming
• 44:28
  him because of his interest. But I would say if there's a boy
• 44:31
  who's identifying that way, he's not gay, but it certainly means
• 44:35
  where are the men in his life that he's needing to be
• 44:38
  identifying after is my opinion. And I know of a situation that
• 44:43
  was like that where dad stepped in and took son out and got a
• 44:46
  lot more involved and they bonded and he grew up healthy
• 44:49
  and actually began to unpack athletic skill.
• 44:52
  So I'm glad that Dad was smart in that situation and stepped in
• 44:56
  in a more deliberate way because the issue wasn't orientation.
• 45:00
  The issue was identifying after the only examples in front of
• 45:04
  him. So I I hope that will clarify.
• 45:07
  Now that's a different issue maybe than when there's a boy
• 45:10
  saying I'm a girl. That's a bit of a stronger
• 45:14
  pursuit down that path. And there's where we want to
• 45:16
  extinguish that cross identification.
• 45:19
  And that may be where you want to seek some professional
• 45:22
  guidance. And again, that book, how and
• 45:24
  when to raise or how and when to tell your kids about sex has
• 45:27
  conversation about matters like this.
• 45:30
  Great. Here's another question this
• 45:33
  person writes. I've heard that as high as 75%
• 45:36
  of people have been sexually molested, exploited, or taken
• 45:38
  advantage of in their childhood. Would you consider that a valid
• 45:42
  statistic? And what why does this happen
• 45:45
  and what can we do to prevent that?
• 45:47
  That's three questions. Whoever you are.
• 45:52
  I don't know if it's. 75% have been molested, but I can tell
• 45:55
  you if you unpack the rest of that question.
• 45:57
  Exploited or taken advantage of sexually, you know, a lot of
• 46:02
  people do experience that. Therefore it is so common.
• 46:07
  How much more important is it that we serve that need, even
• 46:10
  just with molestation? If the statistic really is true
• 46:13
  that one in four girls and one in six boys is molested before
• 46:16
  the age of 12 in a room full of 100 people in a church full of
• 46:19
  100 people, that's well, 25 women and eighteen men dealing
• 46:23
  with that aftermath, just that issue in their lives.
• 46:27
  So it is really important pastorally that we understand
• 46:30
  these dynamics and that we be able to provide recovery
• 46:34
  opportunities for people. And it's just routine for
• 46:36
  discipleship in a sexual age. And maybe it's always been this
• 46:40
  way. You know, societies go through
• 46:41
  cycles of decadence and corruption and maybe it's always
• 46:44
  been there. It's just that in our
• 46:46
  civilization we have both the wealth and the technology to do
• 46:49
  the finding and report it. So it seems so much more
• 46:52
  prevalent perhaps then I suspect it's always been a feature in
• 46:56
  human society. Now we get to identify it, name
• 46:59
  it and give stats. So they do vary.
• 47:01
  And I've heard very high figures and I've heard lower figures.
• 47:04
  But pretty much it is the the given today that it's one in
• 47:08
  four girls, one in six boys. And what can we do about it?
• 47:11
  Well-being educated to prevent having heightened vigilance and
• 47:15
  awareness in childcare and in education systems, as well as
• 47:19
  who's minding the kids in terms of babysitting.
• 47:23
  A lot of times. Molestation happens at the hands
• 47:25
  of babysitters. So.
• 47:28
  You know, who's minding the children?
• 47:30
  It really does matter. And so that heightened vigilance
• 47:33
  may seem a bit like paranoia, but my view is we have reason to
• 47:37
  be reasonably paranoid, but not to live crippled by fear.
• 47:41
  Somewhere in there, we try to find that healthier balance.
• 47:44
  Thank you. You mentioned that.
• 47:47
  Teens can have hormones rise up in huge levels.
• 47:50
  How does one manage those levels when they they when they are on
• 47:55
  the increase? Yes.
• 47:56
  I think especially encouraging our kids as puberty begins, it's
• 48:00
  onset that you're going to have the urge to merge surging
• 48:03
  through your veins and you're not bad and you're not in
• 48:05
  trouble and you're pretty normal.
• 48:06
  And we've been there, done that. And what's really key is
• 48:09
  learning to master that, that it doesn't master us.
• 48:12
  So that's why parents do want to put boundaries around what kids
• 48:16
  see and what they do so that they don't over feed the
• 48:18
  appetite that it becomes dominant and controlling.
• 48:21
  But it will still be a compelling influence.
• 48:24
  And this is when also there will be the issue of, say, wet
• 48:26
  dreams, and they'll be the issue of, you know, kids just feeling
• 48:31
  sexual. And often they'll think that
• 48:32
  they are bad, that God is mad. We want to make sure we serve
• 48:36
  that concern as well. Kids don't know your normal.
• 48:39
  Your parents convey to their children, no, you're normal.
• 48:42
  And there's not sin attached to a wet dream.
• 48:44
  The Bible even talks about nocturnal emissions in the Old
• 48:47
  Testament and that if a man were to experience such cleanup, make
• 48:52
  a grain offering. In other words, ceremonially
• 48:55
  you're unclean, like a woman is unclean when she has her period.
• 48:58
  She hasn't committed a moral violation, neither has he.
• 49:02
  God is simply making the statement that everything we
• 49:04
  produce has been tainted. Even the most natural of our
• 49:07
  emissions that are God ordained, they're still tainted.
• 49:10
  So let's keep it all under the covering of God.
• 49:13
  And if you happen to have a nocturnal emission, there isn't
• 49:15
  a moral weight assigned to it. So don't be distressed if you've
• 49:19
  had a wet dream. And if these hormones are
• 49:21
  coursing through your life right now and you're feeling the urge
• 49:24
  to merge, it is controllable. That's part of growing up and
• 49:27
  becoming responsible is learning to ride out the wave, that the
• 49:31
  wave may wash over you, but it doesn't have to wash you away.
• 49:35
  Accountability and obedience and trying to maintain control,
• 49:38
  those are all important in that season.
• 49:40
  And being able to talk it through it and be supportive is
• 49:43
  better than not, at least in my opinion.
• 49:46
  And oddly, I have the mic and people pay me for my opinion.
• 49:49
  It's just wonderful. My.
• 49:54
  Child is a highly athletic girl who is being bullied by
• 49:57
  teammates and adults at school and I'm not sure what the best
• 50:00
  course of action is. Who I don't either directly
• 50:05
  because I don't know more detail, But I will say, and I
• 50:08
  mentioned it in a previous session, that if at all
• 50:10
  possible, if your child is in a situation where they are now
• 50:14
  that let me restate this. If your child is in a situation
• 50:17
  where going to school has become detrimental, even dangerous to
• 50:22
  me, I would I as a father, and I'm not telling you what to do,
• 50:27
  but I would be very likely to take them out of school because
• 50:31
  school has ceased to become a learning experience for them.
• 50:34
  It is now a concentration camp. It is an endurance field.
• 50:37
  It is a dangerous, risky thing. It is working against them.
• 50:40
  It's not achieving its purpose. So why would I keep them in
• 50:44
  that? And if I insisted they go and
• 50:46
  just buck up and take it, they may view me as aiding and
• 50:49
  abetting their abuse. And that will create
• 50:51
  relationship conflict and they will feel abandoned by the very
• 50:54
  people who were supposed to be their advocates.
• 50:57
  Now, I realize that you may not be able to pull him out or take
• 50:59
  him to another school or whatever you've got to do.
• 51:01
  I would say take action and take it quickly that they do not feel
• 51:04
  that you've abandoned them in this.
• 51:07
  Additionally, why is the bullying happening?
• 51:09
  Like in the story of this young lady, I could just suppose that
• 51:13
  because she's not a traditional girl, but she is athletically
• 51:16
  gifted, maybe people are labeling her or making fun of
• 51:20
  her. And because she is gifted in
• 51:22
  this way, even some of the insecure guys in school feel
• 51:25
  threatened by her gifting and they've got to put her down.
• 51:28
  And maybe people also, you know, mislabel her and and talk about
• 51:32
  her, her identity and her gender stuff.
• 51:34
  So now how important it is that she's getting the right message
• 51:38
  and support and that you were taking action in some way with
• 51:42
  the school administration and finding out resources which do
• 51:45
  exist in bookstores now on bullying and remedies for
• 51:48
  bullying and finding out at least what steps you can take.
• 51:51
  If you cannot take her out of school, she's really going to
• 51:54
  need a lot of support and some counseling, perhaps to vent both
• 51:58
  anger and deal with things that are threatening and fearful
• 52:01
  because she just expected to survive.
• 52:03
  All of that is, I think, asking an awful lot of somebody that
• 52:06
  we'd never tolerate in in a workforce where we were in the
• 52:09
  situation like that. Why do we demand this of our
• 52:12
  kids? So the idea of transferring them
• 52:14
  to another school and giving them a chance to reboot may
• 52:17
  really help them because really, is graduating from that
• 52:20
  particular school that important if it's become that detrimental?
• 52:25
  OK, at least that's my opinion. Let the Lord lead you and do get
• 52:28
  some further wisdom and advice on that and talk to the
• 52:30
  administration and encouragement.
• 52:33
  I've been a single. Mom, ever since the birth of my
• 52:36
  son, there are only a few positive male role models in his
• 52:40
  life. Knowing this, how would I best
• 52:42
  go about raising him to be a good straight man?
• 52:45
  Well, as we mentioned in a previous session to this idea of
• 52:49
  compensating other men, you know, even programs like Big
• 52:55
  Brother, they recognize as an organization the great need for
• 53:01
  mentoring role modeling. That within young men there is
• 53:04
  an inherent need for hero worship to look to other men who
• 53:09
  have it together, whether he's the pop star, the rock star, the
• 53:12
  sports star, the older brother, the the dad worthy and good
• 53:17
  example before son. You know, men look for that role
• 53:22
  model, that hero to worship, so to speak, that they can pattern
• 53:26
  themselves after because that guy seems to have it together
• 53:29
  when I certainly don't feel like I do.
• 53:31
  There is that that needs to be served.
• 53:33
  So if the the family system is not such where he can get that,
• 53:36
  then I would be looking for compensation from other healthy
• 53:39
  males. But as mentioned before, and
• 53:42
  it's worth reiterating in our Q&A right now, that's also the
• 53:46
  two edged sort of risk. While boys need that masculine
• 53:50
  compensation to affirm masculine identity development, there is
• 53:54
  the risk of predators who can to try to take advantage of that
• 53:58
  young man's vulnerability. Predators do seem to recognize
• 54:02
  that vulnerability and they do tend TO0IN on it.
• 54:05
  So concern is warranted, but not so much that we never give
• 54:10
  opportunity. But safe opportunity means we
• 54:13
  know the men involved in this young man's life, the men that
• 54:16
  are invited in are safe men. If you have to do a background
• 54:19
  check, I would whatever you need to do that you can feel safe
• 54:24
  that who has access to this person is trustworthy.
• 54:27
  That's why churches today, it's par 4 course of course, that
• 54:31
  anybody working with children and youth, they have background
• 54:34
  checks done. We want to know who's minding
• 54:36
  the kids. That's just smart.
• 54:38
  That's vigilance, and most people are.
• 54:41
  They don't deserve that shadow of suspicion cast upon them.
• 54:44
  They are noble and well intended.
• 54:46
  But it's still really good to know that you've done your best
• 54:49
  part to see who has access to to the kid.
• 54:53
  I I hope that encourages you. And there are books written like
• 54:56
  Restoring the Masculine Soul by Gordon Dalby and Raising Boys by
• 55:00
  Doctor James Dobson that do provide more specific direction
• 55:04
  and making sure there are compensations for the unfathered
• 55:07
  boy. You spoke.
• 55:10
  About the importance of giving your daughter affection in her
• 55:13
  teen years, even though she may have resisted, what about
• 55:16
  showing affection to boys? Is that just as important?
• 55:20
  Absolutely. Absolutely.
• 55:22
  And of course, different kids respond to affection
• 55:25
  differently, and in different seasons they respond to
• 55:27
  affection differently. And I surely had to make sure
• 55:30
  that when I was demonstrating affection to my daughter, that
• 55:33
  it was always appropriate and that she was now no longer going
• 55:37
  to necessarily sit on my lap and be bounced around like an
• 55:40
  androgynous little female child. That now that she was a woman
• 55:43
  with breasts and having a period and all that goes along with
• 55:47
  that, you know, I, I had to be sensitive to that and treat her
• 55:51
  with respect, but not withdraw affection.
• 55:54
  And, and similarly with boys, I think you know, boys, they need
• 55:59
  affection, they need attention and it needs to be appropriate.
• 56:03
  How you treat your five year old son may be different than how
• 56:06
  you treat your 18 year old son. And being sensitive to ego and
• 56:10
  appropriateness, all that comes into the mix.
• 56:12
  But not withdrawing it. It's just a new season and it's
• 56:15
  demonstrated in in in maybe a new kind of way.
• 56:19
  I haven't had sons, but you know, I am now a father-in-law.
• 56:24
  And I love my son-in-law. And I love that he loves me to
• 56:28
  hug him, that he is affectionate and not afraid to be
• 56:30
  demonstrative even toward me. And I love that I can hug his
• 56:35
  brothers and that they are not ashamed of me or my history.
• 56:38
  And so while I can't quite go through the experience of having
• 56:43
  raised them, of course I do enjoy them and that includes an
• 56:46
  affectionate relationship and, and I'm glad they let me give
• 56:51
  that to them and I'm glad they give that to me.
• 56:53
  It's been a real blessing to me. What are some of the practical?
• 56:56
  Resources you could recommend for a person who's been raped or
• 56:58
  sexually abused? Follow up question, I guess
• 57:00
  along that was how can I help ensure that the broke the broken
• 57:03
  bone is reset? Yeah, you've heard me, maybe.
• 57:06
  Mention that analogy. I like to speak of metaphors and
• 57:09
  if a person has been damaged through this kind of terrible
• 57:12
  trauma of of rape or sex abuse, it's important to remind people
• 57:19
  who have been hurt this way that they are not doomed and they are
• 57:23
  not ruined and it is not the end of the world.
• 57:27
  Because I think many times the powerful emotional reaction can
• 57:30
  be overwhelming. The idea that I am damaged goods
• 57:33
  now can make you feel robbed of a life and a future that others
• 57:37
  might enjoy, and the effect upon trust and intimacy and fears
• 57:42
  associated with that it. It all is a lot to have to work
• 57:46
  through, but it can be worked through, and it's really worth
• 57:49
  working it through. And having been both sexually
• 57:52
  violated as a kid and exploited sexually as a teenager, I
• 57:56
  understand the fear and the shame and the anger that goes
• 57:59
  along with that experience and experiences.
• 58:02
  And yet it's so nice to be able to say, kind of having come
• 58:05
  through the other end of that dark tunnel, there is light at
• 58:08
  the end of it, and yet you don't have to walk through that dark
• 58:11
  valley all by yourself. For women, and there are men
• 58:14
  also who experience rape. It's so important.
• 58:17
  And men who get sexually abused, as well as women and genders
• 58:21
  handle these events very differently.
• 58:23
  And that's why books like Wounded Heart and Door of Hope
• 58:27
  deal with how rape and sex abuse affect male and female.
• 58:33
  And it's also who does this and the age in which it occurs will
• 58:38
  also determine effect upon a person.
• 58:41
  So some people, they experience this, you know, like a rape or a
• 58:44
  molestation and, and it was an awful experience, but it didn't
• 58:48
  undo them. Other people experience this and
• 58:51
  they are truly traumatized and personality development and
• 58:54
  function are hindered. But God is still bigger than
• 58:58
  this. If the body even can be terribly
• 59:00
  damaged still men's it has the capacity to mend, how much truer
• 59:05
  is this soul also designed by God to heal?
• 59:08
  So we don't want to ever 'cause people who've been damaged this
• 59:12
  way to feel like they're doomed and ruined.
• 59:14
  That's not fair nor true. But damage does need to be
• 59:17
  served, and the sooner the better.
• 59:20
  But I find one last point on this.
• 59:22
  Sometimes that healing of the soul will happen in God's timing
• 59:25
  and season. You know how a 10 year old can
• 59:28
  respond to a healing experience very different than a 25 year
• 59:31
  old. And brain development and
• 59:33
  emotional maturation all help determine a better outcome.
• 59:37
  And it took the Lord 10 years before He brought healing to my
• 59:40
  own damaged, abused heart. It wasn't like God was twiddling
• 59:43
  His thumbs in that period, you know, wasting time.
• 59:46
  He was grooming me and growing me and preparing me for that
• 59:49
  day. He opened up my soul and did the
• 59:51
  deeper work. The Word tells us in
• 59:53
  Ecclesiastes chapter 8, verse six that there's a time and a
• 59:56
  purpose for every procedure, even though for right now your
• 1:00:00
  misery weighs heavily upon you. This tells me that God knows
• 1:00:04
  that things like this have hindered you and have hurt you
• 1:00:07
  and you struggle through with them.
• 1:00:08
  And maybe you haven't had your breakthrough yet, but God is not
• 1:00:12
  deaf to your prayer and and he hears your cry.
• 1:00:15
  And when the time is optimal because God won't cut corners.
• 1:00:19
  Just for your convenience. But when the time is right, He
• 1:00:22
  will bring that healing for you. But to collaborate with God
• 1:00:26
  means getting informed and if you need counseling and therapy,
• 1:00:29
  going and getting it. And if you need to read some
• 1:00:31
  books like Wounded Heart and Door of Hope.
• 1:00:34
  Going and getting it and hearing how others have come through
• 1:00:37
  will encourage you to remember you can too.
• 1:00:39
  God knows how, but He dresses that up often in the skin of
• 1:00:43
  informed support and in testimonials of those who've
• 1:00:46
  been there, lived through, and have good encouragement to offer
• 1:00:49
  you. OK, my son is 18 years old and
• 1:00:54
  shows interest in the opposite sex which is good.
• 1:00:57
  We have taught him from elementary school that he's not
• 1:00:59
  allowed to date. Now that he's 18.
• 1:01:02
  How do you approach dating? We encourage courtship, but what
• 1:01:05
  is the parent response when he wants a girlfriend?
• 1:01:11
  Well. I'd be glad.
• 1:01:14
  That he's reached a point. Of maturation that he now knows
• 1:01:17
  what he'd like to pursue. But of.
• 1:01:19
  Course, I don't know so many other details in this situation
• 1:01:22
  to really give any further advice because after all, he is,
• 1:01:25
  if you've said he's 18, he's really legally of age to kind of
• 1:01:29
  make his own decision on this matter.
• 1:01:32
  But still, it does reflect the fact that his parents of an
• 1:01:34
  adult, we still have a role of influence, correct?
• 1:01:37
  And in addition to praying for several things, his integrity,
• 1:01:43
  praying that he find a woman worthy of of respect and that
• 1:01:47
  you know, she and he will make a good partnership, you know,
• 1:01:51
  maybe having that conversation of what you're looking for in a
• 1:01:54
  woman. And this is what I found in my
• 1:01:56
  wife. What are you looking for in a
• 1:01:58
  woman? And are you dating just to have
• 1:02:01
  social life or are you dating toward the goal of finding a
• 1:02:04
  life partner? And if so, what are you looking
• 1:02:07
  for and what's your criteria? And what would make a Good Wife
• 1:02:10
  for you? Have you ever thought about it?
• 1:02:12
  Just like you want to be deliberate in parenting and
• 1:02:15
  other seasons, this can be deliberate conversation.
• 1:02:18
  And are you going to maintain integrity in your dating
• 1:02:21
  relationship? If so, that means backing up a
• 1:02:23
  few steps and not going too far in the car.
• 1:02:27
  And you know, I have to interject here when young adults
• 1:02:30
  ask me, well then, how far can I go on a date?
• 1:02:33
  I'll tell you how far you can go.
• 1:02:35
  If you can't do it in front of your mommy and daddy, you
• 1:02:37
  probably shouldn't be doing it at all.
• 1:02:40
  Said the father of. The daughter, thank God she's
• 1:02:42
  married so. I I know a lot of.
• 1:02:45
  People laugh when I make that statement but in a gotcha moment
• 1:02:48
  many times people have been listening to the advice of the
• 1:02:51
  world and let that determine how far they go in the car.
• 1:02:54
  Instead of realizing if you have not married this person, why are
• 1:02:57
  you going this far? And if you do not want to marry
• 1:03:00
  with them, how dare you touch somebody elses merchandise,
• 1:03:03
  right? So you know, that's the kind of
• 1:03:06
  conversation that a steering parent who can't make the choice
• 1:03:10
  for the son now that he's 18, but who can still steer and
• 1:03:13
  influence and encourage integrity.
• 1:03:16
  And considering that there are parents who have a daughter out
• 1:03:19
  there and those parents don't want that daughter exploited.
• 1:03:22
  So think of them because one day you may be married and have a
• 1:03:25
  daughter and so you don't want goes around, comes around
• 1:03:28
  visiting your door because of how you treated somebody.
• 1:03:32
  So all of that can be good steering consideration in in
• 1:03:37
  that young adult's life. I guess I hope that.
• 1:03:42
  Answers the question to a degree at least.
• 1:03:45
  Can you talk? About the number of people, the
• 1:03:47
  statistics on people who struck who have got sexually
• 1:03:53
  transmitted disease or HIV, AIDS, this person writes that in
• 1:03:57
  2006 there was 1,000,000 cases of chlamydia, with the highest
• 1:04:01
  rate of incidence was in kids aged 15 to 24 years old.
• 1:04:07
  Right. You know, I heard.
• 1:04:09
  A statistic, and I don't know how true it is.
• 1:04:11
  I heard a statistic that it's something like one in every 4
• 1:04:15
  high school girls has had a sexually transmitted disease.
• 1:04:20
  I don't know if that's right, but I can tell you the the the
• 1:04:24
  rate of sexually transmitted disease is high.
• 1:04:30
  And. I just want to say for anybody
• 1:04:33
  that's ever had an STD and they have a permanent infection like
• 1:04:37
  with say genital herpes, if you feel shame about this, please
• 1:04:43
  invite the Lord into that situation and allow him to
• 1:04:46
  minister to you as high as the incidence is not only of STD but
• 1:04:53
  HIV as well. How important it is that we not
• 1:04:56
  let the consequences of decisions of the past control
• 1:05:01
  our lives right now. I know people whom you know God
• 1:05:04
  has touched their lives. He's brought healing to their
• 1:05:07
  bodies are the claims of some. I don't have the documentation
• 1:05:11
  in front of me to verify it, but I've heard people make these
• 1:05:14
  claims. It's certainly not impossible
• 1:05:16
  for God. And we have a God who hears us
• 1:05:18
  and a God who is able. And if it were me, I'd be asking
• 1:05:21
  of God, wouldn't you? And if you had such a need and
• 1:05:24
  you confessed it to me, I'd be happy to hug you and lay hands
• 1:05:27
  on you and pray for you that God would bring that restoration to
• 1:05:31
  your body. Because God can speak that word,
• 1:05:33
  yes. And so because those so many
• 1:05:37
  people are bound by shame and the stigma of this, of these
• 1:05:41
  kinds of sexually transmitted diseases, they often don't admit
• 1:05:45
  their need. And maybe you don't want to do
• 1:05:47
  it at an altar call. Maybe you don't want to do it in
• 1:05:50
  the church. If you have to go somewhere,
• 1:05:53
  even to a therapist and bring it up and get some prayer and get
• 1:05:56
  some encouragement and shed some tears and wash that soul of
• 1:06:00
  shame. Get it and let the Holy Spirit
• 1:06:03
  encourage you and wash you and let him bring redemption into
• 1:06:07
  all of that. But it is really true, if you
• 1:06:11
  have had a sexual history too and you want to finally marry
• 1:06:14
  one day, you really do need to know the status of your health.
• 1:06:17
  In my opinion, you might want to get medical testing just to know
• 1:06:20
  that you can know what your status is and that if you give
• 1:06:23
  yourself in a relationship in marriage, that you'll know your
• 1:06:27
  status and your partner can be informed before so that you can
• 1:06:31
  go forward and enjoy a healthier experience.
• 1:06:36
  Yeah. We live in an age where we're
• 1:06:37
  reaping those consequences. Back in my day, in the beginning
• 1:06:40
  of the sexual revolution, you know, we were pretty cavalier,
• 1:06:44
  and we had penicillin. And the idea was, you know,
• 1:06:47
  enjoy casual sex. That's enlightenment.
• 1:06:49
  But now, years later, you don't have to be a Christian or a
• 1:06:52
  rocket scientist or a moralist to see that casual sex has
• 1:06:55
  produced a lot of casualties. But there's where you cannot
• 1:06:58
  leave God out of the equation. He's the God who restoreth my
• 1:07:03
  soul. And therefore, if there's been
• 1:07:05
  that consequence, don't let consequence be the rest of the
• 1:07:08
  story or the last word on that history.
• 1:07:11
  You let God write the rest of that story and bring redemption
• 1:07:14
  and restoration and healing, and not just of the body, but also
• 1:07:19
  of the heart that's been wounded through shame.
• 1:07:22
  Let him wash that wound and lift that burden for you.
• 1:07:25
  You know, if that were true of my daughter, I would not love
• 1:07:28
  her less, and I would do everything in my power to assist
• 1:07:30
  her. How much better is God than
• 1:07:32
  that, right? And that's our perspective.
• 1:07:36
  Yesterday you talked about different archetypes of
• 1:07:39
  individuals and there were two questions on that.
• 1:07:42
  So I can just give them both to you and you can do whatever you
• 1:07:44
  want with that. First of all, you mentioned
• 1:07:46
  three different archetypes, but it seems to me that everyone has
• 1:07:49
  a little of each one and they're not just one of the three.
• 1:07:53
  So would you comment on that? At the same time, someone else
• 1:07:56
  says that their teenage son doesn't seem to fit into any of
• 1:08:00
  the archetypes mentioned. So how does this parent, this
• 1:08:03
  parent wants to know how do they figure out what they're gifting
• 1:08:06
  is so they can nurture those those gifts in them I.
• 1:08:10
  Think obviously, as you know with any personality profile or
• 1:08:13
  assessment that they do end up revealing that while we may have
• 1:08:16
  dominant traits, we are always a blend.
• 1:08:19
  We all have these features, just some are more dominant than
• 1:08:23
  others. And if you remember the three
• 1:08:25
  archetypes I mentioned, we have the warrior archetype, male or
• 1:08:28
  female, they are physically and gifted.
• 1:08:30
  Then we have the academic archetype.
• 1:08:32
  Their great Braun is brain. They're the strategic thinkers
• 1:08:35
  that serve society. And then we have the artist
• 1:08:38
  archetype, the people who are big hearted and intuitive and
• 1:08:41
  who groom the world and and serve those in pastoral
• 1:08:46
  ministry. That's, you know, most pastoral
• 1:08:48
  workers and counselors and therapists have that big
• 1:08:51
  heartedness, as do artists who touch the heart in culture
• 1:08:54
  through their art. So King David, my goodness, he
• 1:08:57
  was both a warrior as well as a poet.
• 1:09:01
  He played the harp. So he demonstrates that kind of
• 1:09:05
  overlap. And we all do to some degree
• 1:09:07
  have multiple giftings. I think too, when I think of the
• 1:09:12
  question about parents who don't recognize in their teenager what
• 1:09:15
  the giftings are. Yet in my own journey, a lot of
• 1:09:18
  my gifts were not forthcoming in teenage years.
• 1:09:20
  I was just trying to survive. And you know, my academic
• 1:09:24
  ability wasn't very present. I was just trying not to get
• 1:09:27
  beat up in school. I was not really trying to have
• 1:09:29
  an academic experience. And then a lot of my artistry or
• 1:09:35
  gifting in that vein did not manifest till I became born
• 1:09:38
  again. It was rather like it laid
• 1:09:40
  latent or dormant in me and did not manifest until later.
• 1:09:44
  So that may be true even in your teenager even.
• 1:09:47
  We've all heard the idea of being a late bloomer.
• 1:09:49
  It was true for me so I wouldn't panic.
• 1:09:52
  But praying and see what God begins to illumine.
• 1:09:56
  OK, here we go. Since you can't control another
• 1:09:58
  person's perceptions, how can we help our children along these
• 1:10:03
  lines with their perceptions? I think.
• 1:10:06
  Continuing to make sure they get the message.
• 1:10:11
  Perception problem. Little Johnny's walking home
• 1:10:15
  from school. The bully says you're a jerk and
• 1:10:18
  you're ugly. Now a kids going to believe that
• 1:10:21
  unless they go to the higher authority and have what he said
• 1:10:25
  overwritten by the more powerful word from mom and dad.
• 1:10:29
  Because his perception of himself will be affected by this
• 1:10:33
  person who had authority over him and by the higher authority
• 1:10:37
  of mom and dad So many times, you know, God in healing of
• 1:10:41
  people's souls in, in their adult lives, the Holy Spirit has
• 1:10:45
  to go back to that point in our youth where we were hurt by
• 1:10:48
  people's words and where we believed what they said about
• 1:10:51
  us. And he has to overrule it with
• 1:10:53
  his nourishing word to conquer our perception of ourselves
• 1:10:57
  because of what they said. Am I making sense?
• 1:10:59
  So we can, if God can do this by his Spirit for us as adults, I
• 1:11:03
  believe that we as parents can do this when we're aware of
• 1:11:06
  what's happening in our children.
• 1:11:08
  That's where in that numbers chapter 30 idea, you know, if
• 1:11:11
  your kid makes a vow, I'm stupid, I'm ugly, I'm worthless,
• 1:11:15
  I'm unwanted, or you know, I'm, I'm a Sissy, I'm a failure.
• 1:11:18
  Whenever those perceptions are present and we learn about them,
• 1:11:21
  we can pray for them and break their power to take root and and
• 1:11:26
  gain power and bear bad fruit in their lives.
• 1:11:29
  At least I think it's worth giving that a go and I practice
• 1:11:31
  it as mentioned. I would lay hands on my daughter
• 1:11:33
  and I would pray for her if I believed she had a a bad
• 1:11:36
  perception or if she'd even made a bow.
• 1:11:38
  I'll never you always. I would lay hands on her and
• 1:11:41
  pray that that vow would be broken and not take root to be a
• 1:11:45
  controlling belief system in her.
• 1:11:49
  It's worth giving. That a go, don't you think?
• 1:11:52
  I do too? Submitting that to God and
• 1:11:53
  invoking him, inviting him into that misperception, and then
• 1:11:57
  even just in a practical way, sowing that good seed.
• 1:12:00
  That's not true. What they said about you, honey
• 1:12:03
  or no, that's not true. For example, Child A and Child B
• 1:12:06
  in the same home. Child A says, Gee, Daddy's never
• 1:12:10
  here. He's always at work, but I know
• 1:12:12
  he goes to work because he loves me and Mommy and he's just
• 1:12:14
  trying to pay for our lives. And so I miss Daddy, but when he
• 1:12:17
  comes home, I look forward to catching up.
• 1:12:20
  But Child B in the same situation, says, Gee, Daddy's
• 1:12:23
  never here. Daddy must love work more than
• 1:12:26
  me and Mommy. And so when Daddy comes home and
• 1:12:28
  tries to love me, I'll give him the cold shoulder and let him
• 1:12:30
  know how it feels to be rejected.
• 1:12:32
  See, that child's got a wrong perception, even though the
• 1:12:34
  situation's the same. And if you've got more than one
• 1:12:36
  kid, you know, Child A and Child B perceive the same situation
• 1:12:40
  but differently because of a difference in brain wiring and
• 1:12:43
  temperament, right? There's where you kind of want
• 1:12:45
  to pay attention to what's going on, that you can make sure the
• 1:12:48
  right message is always sent and caught or interpreted.
• 1:12:52
  At least doing our part. Appreciate that question.
• 1:12:56
  I want to wrap it. Up with this question from a
• 1:12:58
  parent who says what if I've failed as a parent and
• 1:13:01
  effectively training my children now grown in their sexuality?
• 1:13:05
  What now? I think it does play.
• 1:13:09
  Off of what we've just said and in the previous session, you
• 1:13:13
  still have influence. It may not be decision making
• 1:13:17
  influence, it may not be control, but we do have the
• 1:13:21
  power of prayer to intercede for our adult children.
• 1:13:26
  And we also. Have the ability to share our
• 1:13:28
  hearts of concern. Not control, but concern.
• 1:13:32
  Not a sermon on sin, but concern.
• 1:13:35
  And if you feel like you failed. Not only our intercession for
• 1:13:42
  our children and expressing our heart of concern when
• 1:13:46
  appropriate. I think making sure that we get
• 1:13:50
  the burden lifted off of our heart that we are not living in
• 1:13:53
  pain and in anger all the time because that becomes very
• 1:13:57
  detrimental. And we're we're built to carry
• 1:14:00
  stress for a while, but those stresses were not meant to be a
• 1:14:04
  way of life that becomes so burdensome.
• 1:14:06
  It works against our well-being, our very health and bringing
• 1:14:11
  those concerns and bringing ourselves before the Lord is a
• 1:14:14
  wonderful thing to do. And I think that parents
• 1:14:16
  actually who have, you know, parents should actually belong
• 1:14:20
  to support groups. When you've got little kids, you
• 1:14:23
  need a support group because you're tired all the time and
• 1:14:25
  you've got a toddler. I always tell people if you want
• 1:14:28
  to see the living dead, they are among you.
• 1:14:30
  They're the parents of toddlers. And and then if you want to see
• 1:14:35
  the angst ridden, look no further than parents of
• 1:14:38
  teenagers. And so parents of teenagers
• 1:14:40
  would probably benefit from the wisdom and the praying support
• 1:14:45
  of others. That's why I think support
• 1:14:47
  groups are a great thing for parents of teens that they can
• 1:14:50
  get wisdom, they can vent, they can get prayer, and they can
• 1:14:53
  pray for their kids and get that camaraderie of others sharing
• 1:14:56
  that journey and supporting one another in it.
• 1:15:00
  I think so often we live so isolated in our lives and we
• 1:15:03
  bear these burdens all on our own, and we could be much more
• 1:15:06
  supportive to each other. So I hope that that will be an
• 1:15:11
  encouragement to you to make sure it's not just your kid
• 1:15:15
  only, it's the focus of prayer, but you get it for yourself and
• 1:15:19
  not giving up. Gosh, I love the fact that I can
• 1:15:21
  still be an influence in my daughter and now grandchild
• 1:15:24
  forthcoming, you know, influence.
• 1:15:27
  It changes, but it doesn't stop. And if you feel you've done that
• 1:15:31
  in the past, that is you didn't do quite enough, ask God to
• 1:15:35
  redeem that and provide new season of opportunity.
• 1:15:40
  We can't go backward and do it again, but we can go forward and
• 1:15:43
  do better. And I guess that kind of
• 1:15:45
  summarizes our whole idea in doing this.
• 1:15:48
  And you've been so gracious to to give us this further
• 1:15:50
  opportunity to answer some of your questions.
• 1:15:53
  I appreciate you asking them. Thank you, Christine, for
• 1:15:55
  serving them up and thank you for spending the extra time.
• 1:15:59
  Thank you, pastor, for giving us opportunity to to be here.
• 1:16:03
  Thank you everybody for your warm reception and support.
• 1:16:06
  We'll look forward to the next time.
• 1:16:08
  Amen. Let's pray.
• 1:16:13
  Well, Lord. Such as I have.
• 1:16:15
  I've done the best I know how in our limited time to answer
• 1:16:18
  really big questions that represent really big concerns
• 1:16:22
  and needs. And Lord, if there's anything
• 1:16:25
  I've offered that missed your best, burn that up as the wood,
• 1:16:28
  hay and stubble it is. But if I have offered something
• 1:16:32
  that's truth, that is beneficial, that is lasting and
• 1:16:35
  gold, then keep it in our hearts and add to it and build upon it
• 1:16:40
  and shine your further light to encourage and inspire and equip
• 1:16:44
  us. I ask, Lord, that especially for
• 1:16:47
  those we love represented in this room, that you will protect
• 1:16:51
  them, that you will get them and aluminum, that you will convict
• 1:16:54
  them and bring them on the path of truth and life.
• 1:16:57
  That you will bring a witness across their path that they can
• 1:17:00
  hear from. And indeed that even if we have
• 1:17:03
  maybe not done our best or didn't know how to, that you are
• 1:17:07
  the good God who loves that wayward loved one even more than
• 1:17:10
  we. And you're able to go and get
• 1:17:12
  that wayward loved one and bring them back into the fold.
• 1:17:15
  For those here who struggle and stumble and feel demoralized and
• 1:17:19
  powerless, help them, God, not to give up, but get up and look
• 1:17:23
  not at just their problem, but back into your face of love.
• 1:17:28
  And that you, Lord, will speak words of life and encourage
• 1:17:31
  courage meant that the voice of condemnation would be broken in
• 1:17:35
  the name of Jesus. And that your healing,
• 1:17:37
  nourishing, empowering, life giving word would come forth
• 1:17:41
  through the Word and through dreams and visions and through
• 1:17:44
  wisdom and teaching through the pulpit and through encouragement
• 1:17:48
  of friends and in ministries and in resources.
• 1:17:51
  That your healing would be forthcoming for them.
• 1:17:54
  That you would help them not to give up, but get up and aim
• 1:17:57
  again toward the mark. And that their perseverance will
• 1:18:00
  indeed obtain the prize. So we we pray, Lord, not only
• 1:18:05
  for our children and we do pray for them, that you keep them and
• 1:18:09
  help us do our part to serve them and keep them beyond us.
• 1:18:13
  Lord, in a world of great risk, keep the great treasures of our
• 1:18:17
  heart, our children. But Lord keep us too and help us
• 1:18:21
  too as parents, not just to be wise but to be example before
• 1:18:26
  them where we failed. Help us to be humble and fix it
• 1:18:30
  where we can, but also never to give up on future opportunities
• 1:18:35
  to still be of influence and of love in the lives of our
• 1:18:38
  children. We wrap it up in the name of
• 1:18:41
  Jesus thanking you that you are a helper.
• 1:18:44
  In Jesus name we agree. Amen, Amen.
• 1:18:48
  Thank you and God bless you.