Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 396. The 7 Year Itch & Navigating Relationships Head Noise

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396. The 7 Year Itch & Navigating Relationships Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:12
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today. So,
0:16
Speaker 1: in today's episode, this is a listener question episode, we're
0:20
Speaker 1: going through your emails today and there are some great, great,
0:25
Speaker 1: great emails. And the reason I say they're great obviously
0:27
Speaker 1: the questions are great. I love receiving your questions. But
0:29
Speaker 1: another reason why they're so great is because a lot
0:31
Speaker 1: of them ones that hopefully will make you think about
0:35
Speaker 1: it from your perspective, even if you don't share the
0:37
Speaker 1: exact lived experience of this person writing in. I think
0:40
Speaker 1: a lot of the things that you can hear here
0:42
Speaker 1: here here on this podcast will kind of broaden your
0:47
Speaker 1: perspective on other people's situations and on your own as well.
0:51
Speaker 1: So let's just dive straight into it. I'm aiming to
0:54
Speaker 1: get to four questions in today's episode, so let's do it. Question. Hi,
1:01
Speaker 1: alexis absolutely love listening to your podcasts. It's really nice
1:04
Speaker 1: to hear the science behind human behavior as well as
1:06
Speaker 1: unbiased feedback and different approaches to things I'm struggling with
1:10
Speaker 1: helping my partner find ways to decompress his emotions and
1:13
Speaker 1: remove his mask quote unquote being anger and communicate his
1:17
Speaker 1: actual feelings respectfully I've shown him that the feelings. I've
1:21
Speaker 1: shown him the feelings will and suggested some of the
1:24
Speaker 1: things that help me, like sketching, reading, and journaling. I'd
1:27
Speaker 1: like some advice on how to help him. He's in
1:29
Speaker 1: the early stages of this. I'm very patient, but i
1:32
Speaker 1: feel like I'm ten steps ahead of him, and I'm
1:34
Speaker 1: tired and frustrated. Okay, So this is a difficult situation
1:39
Speaker 1: to be in because you know, you feel like you
1:42
Speaker 1: can see all the steps ahead, he's yet to do
1:44
Speaker 1: these steps. You really want to help him. The number
1:47
Speaker 1: one thing that I want you to ask yourself is
1:50
Speaker 1: how badly does he want to change himself? Okay, because
1:59
Speaker 1: but really ask yourself this question properly. Okay, because it's
2:02
Speaker 1: very easy to think that someone wants to change their
2:05
Speaker 1: behavior just because you've highlighted something in them. And it's
2:09
Speaker 1: very easy to think that someone wants to change their
2:11
Speaker 1: behavior because you know deep down that the alternative is
2:14
Speaker 1: going to be a much better life for them. But
2:16
Speaker 1: sometimes people are just not ready or are just not
2:20
Speaker 1: willing to change their behavior, and that is something that
2:23
Speaker 1: you have to accept. And there's many things in life
2:26
Speaker 1: that you don't have to accept and that's certain things
2:28
Speaker 1: based on what's within your control. But when it comes
2:31
Speaker 1: to other people, there's many things in life that you're like,
2:34
Speaker 1: I actually don't have ultimate control over this. I've got
2:37
Speaker 1: control over how much I can aim to influence this person.
2:40
Speaker 1: I've got control over how much I can help them
2:42
Speaker 1: when they need that help, or how I can guide
2:44
Speaker 1: them when they need the guidance. But at the end
2:46
Speaker 1: of the day, this person will not change unless they
2:49
Speaker 1: are willing and wanting to change. Okay, Number one, That
2:53
Speaker 1: is the most important thing. So I want you to
2:54
Speaker 1: ask yourself, has this person has my partner actually expressed
3:00
Speaker 1: obviously to me that they won't change? Okay, Because you're
3:04
Speaker 1: saying that you're struggling with helping your partner find ways
3:08
Speaker 1: to decompress his emotions and remove his mask being anger
3:12
Speaker 1: and communicate his actual feelings respectfully, At no point have
3:16
Speaker 1: you said to me yet. And I wish this was
3:19
Speaker 1: a conversation because then I could get more out of you.
3:21
Speaker 1: But at no point have you said that this is
3:22
Speaker 1: something that he really wants to change for himself. And
3:26
Speaker 1: apart from because I don't want to always have the
3:28
Speaker 1: suggestion of like, oh, go to therapy, because I understand
3:30
Speaker 1: that therapy is not the cheapest thing in the world
3:32
Speaker 1: and it's not accessible to absolutely everyone. So within the
3:35
Speaker 1: realm of what you're working with right now, there is
3:39
Speaker 1: not much you can do other than what you are doing.
3:42
Speaker 1: You are already doing a lot. You are already showing him,
3:46
Speaker 1: you know, different tools that he can be using. So
3:49
Speaker 1: what I would recommend you do is one day, and
3:52
Speaker 1: not when he's had an outburst, when he's been angry.
3:54
Speaker 1: Do it when you're calm, because this is when you're
3:56
Speaker 1: going to get the best result from somebody, and the
3:59
Speaker 1: best converse stations from someone when they are in a
4:01
Speaker 1: calm state. But I would recommend that you ask him, say, hey,
4:05
Speaker 1: let's just reflect back. I've been giving you all these
4:08
Speaker 1: different tools and all these different things that I find helpful.
4:11
Speaker 1: Do you want to use these tools? Are you finding
4:14
Speaker 1: this helpful? What is your opinion on me trying to
4:18
Speaker 1: help you with these things? Like how does that feel
4:20
Speaker 1: for you? And listen to his response because his response
4:23
Speaker 1: will give you everything you need. Okay. So, for example,
4:26
Speaker 1: I've got a friend who was dating someone and the
4:30
Speaker 1: guy had absolute anger management problems. Okay, so he would
4:33
Speaker 1: you know, absolutely lash out at her every time he
4:36
Speaker 1: was angry and was just like using her as the
4:38
Speaker 1: emotional punching bag every time he got angry, even if
4:41
Speaker 1: it wasn't direct, even if the anger wasn't something that
4:44
Speaker 1: directly involved her, he would still just snap in her
4:47
Speaker 1: vicinity around her, And she said, this is like unacceptable.
4:50
Speaker 1: I don't want to be around this kind of energy.
4:52
Speaker 1: It's not fair. I've not done nothing to like instigate this.
4:55
Speaker 1: So she said, I need you to start going to therapy,
4:57
Speaker 1: and so he was like, oh, dragged his feet to therapy,
5:01
Speaker 1: and then he went to therapy and then he kind
5:02
Speaker 1: of was like, yeah, well I did that and that's
5:03
Speaker 1: kind of useless. I didn't really get anything out of
5:06
Speaker 1: it after like one or two sessions. I don't know
5:07
Speaker 1: how many sessions he went to. And so then I
5:09
Speaker 1: think that's when she had the realization, being like, well,
5:11
Speaker 1: if you think that it's useless, and if you think
5:13
Speaker 1: that that's okay for me to have to put up
5:16
Speaker 1: with it when you're not willing to come to the
5:17
Speaker 1: party and change, then let's just see how this goes.
5:20
Speaker 1: And then the next time he had an anger outburst,
5:22
Speaker 1: she pretty much packed up and left okay because she
5:25
Speaker 1: came to the realization that he is on his fucking
5:28
Speaker 1: journey and if he doesn't see this as a priority
5:31
Speaker 1: in his life to change for the sake of the relationship,
5:34
Speaker 1: which in turn will benefit him. And of course you
5:36
Speaker 1: should want to do things that make your partner feel
5:38
Speaker 1: safer and happier, but even for selfish purposes, then if
5:43
Speaker 1: they're not willing to do that, then you have to
5:45
Speaker 1: eventually put yourself first. Because you said, I'm tired and frustrated,
5:50
Speaker 1: and you are very patient, so it means that this
5:52
Speaker 1: has been going on for a while. So I think
5:55
Speaker 1: the only thing I can advise you on because you're
5:57
Speaker 1: doing everything. I'm all for inspiring people, I'm all for
5:59
Speaker 1: trying to motivate people. I'm all for being someone's help
6:02
Speaker 1: and rock and being patient. But you're already doing those things,
6:04
Speaker 1: So there's no advice I can give yours to what
6:06
Speaker 1: you can do. You are doing everything you can be
6:09
Speaker 1: doing to try and help him. You're being patient, you're
6:11
Speaker 1: not snapping back, You're not you know, you're looking at
6:13
Speaker 1: it as something that it's not him being an asshole.
6:16
Speaker 1: It's just an issue that he's working through, Like you
6:18
Speaker 1: seem to be extremely understanding. So there's two things that
6:22
Speaker 1: you need to come to realize. Number one, does he
6:24
Speaker 1: actually want change? And be brutal and be honest with yourself,
6:27
Speaker 1: ask him upfront or ask him questions that could lead
6:31
Speaker 1: to you getting a real answer. And number two, if
6:34
Speaker 1: he's not willing to change, am I still willing to
6:37
Speaker 1: have this relationship in my life? Is this relationship that
6:39
Speaker 1: good that I can put up with the anger and
6:42
Speaker 1: with everything? Because someone could be the best person in
6:44
Speaker 1: the world and just not the right person for you. Okay,
6:47
Speaker 1: Like someone could be like a good hearted person, a
6:49
Speaker 1: kind person, but if they're angry and if they make
6:52
Speaker 1: you feel uneasy all the time and you don't feel
6:55
Speaker 1: like you can feel calm and at ease in your
6:57
Speaker 1: own home, let alone safe, then they're not the right
7:01
Speaker 1: fit for you. Okay. So those are the two hard
7:04
Speaker 1: hitting questions that you got to ask yourself because as
7:06
Speaker 1: far as what can you do, you're doing everything that
7:09
Speaker 1: you can be doing.
7:09
Speaker 2: All right, Since.
7:33
Speaker 1: Next question, Hi, alexis long time listener, off do your
7:37
Speaker 1: fucking mind. And I can't tell you how much I've
7:39
Speaker 1: loved and been empowered by the way you handle situations.
7:42
Speaker 1: Thank you. The POD has given me and so many
7:44
Speaker 1: others the tool to respond confidently and passionately in tough moments,
7:48
Speaker 1: and I'm hoping to pass that on. Thank you so much,
7:50
Speaker 1: very kind words. My husband and I run a company
7:53
Speaker 1: within the construction industry, and recently one of our female
7:56
Speaker 1: workers were subjected to inappropriate and uncomfortable commentary, sexual innuendo,
8:01
Speaker 1: and the like from an older tradesman on site. We
8:04
Speaker 1: removed her from the site and pursued it immediately because
8:07
Speaker 1: fuck no. But I want to make sure that she
8:09
Speaker 1: feels equipped to shut this down herself if she ever
8:11
Speaker 1: finds herself stumbling for words in the future. What advice
8:14
Speaker 1: would you give her for responding in the moment. I
8:18
Speaker 1: wanted to have the same confidence and power you bring,
8:20
Speaker 1: so she can shut that shit down completely, no arguments.
8:24
Speaker 1: It's not tolerated. She can also insult him, whereas I cannot,
8:28
Speaker 1: so that's always fun too. I would love to hear
8:31
Speaker 1: your thoughts. Thank you for all you do, big love. Okay,
8:33
Speaker 1: I do really appreciate the difficult situation that you're in,
8:37
Speaker 1: being like the employer in this situation, but I want
8:39
Speaker 1: you to completely flip that around. It is not her
8:42
Speaker 1: responsibility to shut it down. It is not her responsibility
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Speaker 1: to put herself in a position where she has to
8:47
Speaker 1: insult someone that she does not feel safe around. It
8:49
Speaker 1: is not her responsibility to fuck all. Her responsibility is
8:52
Speaker 1: to rock up to a job that she's employed to
8:54
Speaker 1: do and get paid for the job that she's doing.
8:56
Speaker 1: If she's not confident and she doesn't want to stand
8:58
Speaker 1: up for herself, she shouldn't have to. And I wonder
9:01
Speaker 1: why you removed her from the situation instead of removing
9:04
Speaker 1: him from the situation. We have to protect people that
9:08
Speaker 1: are in situations where they feel uncomfortable because there's sexual innuendo.
9:11
Speaker 1: The guy, for whatever reason, like apart from being a cunt,
9:16
Speaker 1: is just doing exactly what he wants to do and
9:18
Speaker 1: getting away with it. So it doesn't matter what I say.
9:21
Speaker 1: As far as you know, you could send her my
9:23
Speaker 1: podcast episodes on like dealing with unsolicited comments and things
9:26
Speaker 1: like that, and hopefully that would maybe help her. But
9:28
Speaker 1: it's not her job. It is not her job, and
9:32
Speaker 1: it's hard from your perspective because you're obviously trying to
9:35
Speaker 1: like keep everyone employed and get the fucking job running.
9:38
Speaker 1: You don't want to be finding people left, right and
9:39
Speaker 1: center and not have the job done. But it's not
9:41
Speaker 1: her job. It's not her responsibility. It's and it's you know, really,
9:45
Speaker 1: it's your responsibility to make sure the workplace is as
9:48
Speaker 1: safe as possible. And I know that's why you removed her,
9:50
Speaker 1: because you don't want her being uncomfortable. But at the
9:52
Speaker 1: end of the day, the one who should be put
9:54
Speaker 1: out in this situation is the one who made the comments,
9:57
Speaker 1: the one who feels it's fine to be inappropriate. That's
10:00
Speaker 1: the person who should be removed and should be like
10:02
Speaker 1: stalled and like whether they get fucked around a bit. Okay,
10:06
Speaker 1: there needs to be repercussions for the person making the comment,
10:09
Speaker 1: not for the individual who's on the receiving end of
10:11
Speaker 1: the comment. She just might be a timid person and
10:13
Speaker 1: the thought of making a comment to stand up to
10:16
Speaker 1: someone is just absolutely daunting to her. And she might
10:20
Speaker 1: be like, God, I freeze up and I couldn't. You
10:22
Speaker 1: could give for all the advice in the world, and
10:24
Speaker 1: she's like, that's just not in my character. You know,
10:27
Speaker 1: some people is just not in their character to confront
10:30
Speaker 1: somebody who makes them feel extremely uncomfortable, especially if it's
10:34
Speaker 1: a sexual comment and if it's someone older, like you know,
10:37
Speaker 1: I think most women can relate to the fact that
10:40
Speaker 1: they could consider themselves relatively confident women. But then when
10:43
Speaker 1: put in a situation where they might be an age
10:45
Speaker 1: or a power dynamic and where there's sexual commentary thrown
10:48
Speaker 1: in there, they kind of freeze up and they feel
10:51
Speaker 1: extremely uncomfortable and extremely unsafe. And then after the fact
10:54
Speaker 1: they're like, oh fuck, there's a thousand things that I
10:56
Speaker 1: could have said to this person, But in the moment,
10:58
Speaker 1: I was like, especially when you're a work it should
11:00
Speaker 1: never happen. It's not expected. So I want you to
11:04
Speaker 1: kind of remove the desire or the need all together
11:07
Speaker 1: from needing to equip her with language her. The only
11:12
Speaker 1: thing that you would want from her is to keep
11:14
Speaker 1: communicating when anything does go wrong, and then you want
11:16
Speaker 1: to protect her by putting a stop to the person
11:19
Speaker 1: who's doing that to her. Okay, it is like she's complete,
11:25
Speaker 1: she's not responsible for anything other than her job when
11:27
Speaker 1: she walks through that door. She doesn't need to learn
11:29
Speaker 1: any new skills that are outside of the skill set
11:32
Speaker 1: that is required for that job. And some people just
11:35
Speaker 1: and also there's the added thing that you know you mentioned,
11:38
Speaker 1: she can also insult him, whereas I cannot. Women don't
11:42
Speaker 1: want to insult men for the most part, because that's dangerous. Unfortunately,
11:48
Speaker 1: So even if someone does makes a comment to you,
11:50
Speaker 1: even if you think it's joking, you think, am I
11:53
Speaker 1: putting my future in this job in an and making
11:57
Speaker 1: myself uncomfortable? Even if it's not a physical threat to
11:59
Speaker 1: your life, you could still be like, if I turn
12:02
Speaker 1: around and insult this man, I'm making my working life
12:04
Speaker 1: a living hell in the future because I don't know
12:06
Speaker 1: how he's gonna treat me, how he's gonna respond. Is
12:09
Speaker 1: he going to get angry? Absolutely I would never encourage
12:11
Speaker 1: an employee to insult another person who's sexually harassed them.
12:14
Speaker 1: Absolutely not. I would remove the harasser. So that is
12:19
Speaker 1: my advice, and I think that's I think every time
12:22
Speaker 1: you see someone who's timid in a situation where you're like, oh,
12:24
Speaker 1: I just want to shake your wish you stood up
12:26
Speaker 1: for yourself, you have to remind yourself it is still
12:29
Speaker 1: not their job. Of course, we would want everyone to
12:32
Speaker 1: be able to put someone in their place with a
12:34
Speaker 1: fucking one liner and just you know, roast that person.
12:38
Speaker 2: Alive.
12:38
Speaker 1: Yeah the fuck. Yeah, we'd love that, but not their responsibility.
12:42
Speaker 1: They don't have to do that. That's just like that
12:44
Speaker 1: would be like the cherry on the top, but it
12:46
Speaker 1: shouldn't have to happen. So yeah, just remind yourself it's
12:50
Speaker 1: not about that. It's not about that. Yeah, send her
12:52
Speaker 1: episodes maybe to make a feel more empowered, But I
12:54
Speaker 1: don't want you. The last thing I would want is
12:56
Speaker 1: for you to go and have a conversation with her
12:59
Speaker 1: where you're basically sad saying it's on you to stop
13:01
Speaker 1: this behavior because it's not on her to stop the behavior.
13:04
Speaker 1: It's on you to stop his behavior and remove him
13:07
Speaker 1: from that situation. Thank you, but thank you for your
13:10
Speaker 1: beautiful kind words and thank you for writing in because
13:13
Speaker 1: I think that in particular is really good because I
13:16
Speaker 1: agree like sometimes we are in that situation where we
13:19
Speaker 1: see it from your perspective, we're like, oh my god,
13:20
Speaker 1: how do we help? But then it's important to be like, wow,
13:23
Speaker 1: I need to pause and I need to think how
13:25
Speaker 1: can I look at this in a different way where
13:26
Speaker 1: it's actually not her job? Okay, next question, the seven
13:32
Speaker 1: year itch? Is it real? Hi, alexis I'm curious on
13:36
Speaker 1: your perspective on if the seven year itch in relationships
13:39
Speaker 1: is real. I went through a really hard phase with
13:41
Speaker 1: my husband around the seven year mark, and I'm so
13:44
Speaker 1: curious how much of it simply has to do with timing.
13:47
Speaker 1: We also moved across the country we're in the US,
13:50
Speaker 1: we had our first child, and my husband started a
13:52
Speaker 1: new job, so there was a lot of adjusting and
13:54
Speaker 1: growing parts that no doubt contributed. But we went from
13:58
Speaker 1: being a happy couple that I never fought to living
14:01
Speaker 1: in a war zone. We were arguing every day. The
14:03
Speaker 1: tension at home was palpable, and it was miserable for
14:06
Speaker 1: a solid year plus. We had marriage counseling and spend
14:09
Speaker 1: a lot of time talking and trying to find solutions
14:11
Speaker 1: to both be happier. At the end of the day,
14:14
Speaker 1: nothing really worked, and I was starting to consider what
14:16
Speaker 1: divorce would look like. But then miraculously things just got better,
14:21
Speaker 1: almost like a poisonous fog we had been living under
14:24
Speaker 1: finally drifted away. I can't explain it, and it really
14:27
Speaker 1: has me wondering if it was largely the timing of
14:30
Speaker 1: our relationship and a hard phase we were destined to
14:32
Speaker 1: go through no matter what we did. I'm so curious
14:35
Speaker 1: to hear your thoughts. Thank you for your time, and
14:36
Speaker 1: of course obsessed with the podcast. This is a really,
14:39
Speaker 1: really good question. The seven year each, I don't know.
14:41
Speaker 1: I think, like, look, I don't I personally don't believe
14:45
Speaker 1: that there's this crazy thing that occus it seven years
14:47
Speaker 1: for every person. But I do believe that seven years
14:50
Speaker 1: or five for some people, or six is kind of
14:52
Speaker 1: the point where a lot of couples will take things
14:55
Speaker 1: to the next level. This is where they start having families.
14:58
Speaker 1: You know, obviously after a couple of years, you go
15:00
Speaker 1: from it's just the two of us to then responsibilities, mortgages,
15:03
Speaker 1: moving jobs. You start to really become more and more
15:06
Speaker 1: embedded as a team, and you're doing things as a team.
15:09
Speaker 1: You're picking up the slack for the other person, You're
15:11
Speaker 1: taking on a lot more responsibilities, you're taking on much
15:14
Speaker 1: bigger risks, and of course, if you're having children, that's
15:17
Speaker 1: like you're putting so much more strain on the relationship.
15:21
Speaker 1: The thing is that children, as beautiful as they are
15:24
Speaker 1: and they can be, they are going to add strain
15:26
Speaker 1: onto the relationship. And if you have very solid foundations
15:29
Speaker 1: and everything's great, some people they're just cruise through it,
15:31
Speaker 1: and other people not so much. Some people think we
15:33
Speaker 1: would We thought it'd be easy to have kids, and
15:35
Speaker 1: we just and then they really struggled and vice versa.
15:37
Speaker 1: So there's a lot of kind of teething issues that
15:40
Speaker 1: happen when you're you know, there's a lot that you
15:43
Speaker 1: guys did, Like, I'm not surprised you went through a
15:46
Speaker 1: difficult time. You're having kids, you're moving across the country,
15:49
Speaker 1: your husband's starting a new job. That's a lot going
15:52
Speaker 1: on that's going to cause the beautiful moments that you
15:55
Speaker 1: had where it was just the two off you focusing
15:57
Speaker 1: on each other and you know, your lives are a
15:59
Speaker 1: lot easier. There's a lot of things that's going to
16:02
Speaker 1: shake the stability if that change is gonna you know,
16:05
Speaker 1: that kind of change where the ground is rocked beneath
16:07
Speaker 1: you is going to cause tension in a relationship. There's
16:09
Speaker 1: just that is just a given. Okay, So I don't
16:13
Speaker 1: think that it miraculously turned around and went away. I
16:18
Speaker 1: think you guys started to find stability again, because at
16:21
Speaker 1: the end of the day, stability is the best thing
16:26
Speaker 1: for a relationship. It is the best thing, and it's
16:29
Speaker 1: not saying you can't have adventure, you can't be spontaneous,
16:31
Speaker 1: you can't be but there's always a level of stability.
16:34
Speaker 1: And for some people that stability is found in their
16:37
Speaker 1: routine and their life and everything stays the same, so
16:39
Speaker 1: they feel comfort. For some people that stability is having
16:42
Speaker 1: like a crazy emotional stability. But everyone has their version
16:46
Speaker 1: of stability, and when that stability is rocked, then how
16:50
Speaker 1: they respond, how they behave the things that stress them
16:52
Speaker 1: out are going to escalate, escalate and escalate. So you
16:55
Speaker 1: had your stability rocked massively. A child comes into the picture.
16:58
Speaker 1: Stability is rocked. Okay, you're moving to the other side
17:01
Speaker 1: of the country massively. Your stability is rucked. New job
17:04
Speaker 1: for him, stability is rocked. Okay, so that's a stress.
17:09
Speaker 1: I think that what happened was that the counseling actually
17:13
Speaker 1: would have helped. It probably didn't feel like it because
17:15
Speaker 1: you didn't see the immediate results, and then it felt like, oh,
17:17
Speaker 1: this was awful nothing, but it would have. It would
17:19
Speaker 1: have given you insight into how each other feels. But
17:21
Speaker 1: then once things started to settle back down, you started
17:25
Speaker 1: to see your partner and he started to see you.
17:28
Speaker 1: For who you are again. You started to see each
17:31
Speaker 1: other again, see each other as people again, and you're like,
17:34
Speaker 1: oh my god, it's like this thing lifted. But it's
17:36
Speaker 1: because you started finding that stability again. Okay, you started
17:39
Speaker 1: feeling calmer, and when you feel safer, your wall drops down.
17:43
Speaker 1: Things that normally stress you out probably wouldn't stress you out.
17:45
Speaker 1: You're more patient with the other person, and because you're
17:47
Speaker 1: patient with that other person, they respond in a much
17:51
Speaker 1: warmer way. Like if I you know, if you do
17:53
Speaker 1: something that normally your partner would snap at, but then
17:55
Speaker 1: one day they receive it really well and they're a
17:57
Speaker 1: lot calmer. Then you're like, oh, I feel so much safe,
17:59
Speaker 1: I'm less stressed. Instantly, your mood is lifted, and then
18:02
Speaker 1: you want to do things for your partner in the
18:03
Speaker 1: same way, and then it's just this positive feedback loop
18:05
Speaker 1: between the two of you. So I feel like, in
18:08
Speaker 1: a way, the seventy itach may be a thing because
18:10
Speaker 1: that's the time where you're making a lot of evolutions
18:12
Speaker 1: in a relationship by default. But that could happen at
18:14
Speaker 1: the four or five year mark as well for some people.
18:17
Speaker 1: But yeah, I just think it has to do with
18:19
Speaker 1: you had all this turmoil, and it could all be
18:22
Speaker 1: great things, but it still destabilizes you. So the tension
18:25
Speaker 1: then goes on the partnership, and now you've calmed down,
18:28
Speaker 1: you feel more settled down, and that's why you've found
18:30
Speaker 1: each other again. That would be my opinion on it,
18:33
Speaker 1: but I think that's a great question. Next question, the
18:38
Speaker 1: fourth and final question, Dear alexis huge fan. I think
18:43
Speaker 1: you're a bloody force to be reckoned with. Keep doing
18:45
Speaker 1: what you're doing. Thank you. I love that fucking statement.
18:47
Speaker 1: I need some advice on how to stay motivated in
18:50
Speaker 1: a job role that I don't love, but I know
18:52
Speaker 1: it's not forever. I've recently joined with a business that
18:55
Speaker 1: I truly love, and it's still a growing company. I'm
18:58
Speaker 1: basically doing a bit of everything and learning the ropes
19:01
Speaker 1: of GM. I'm in my late twenties and have been
19:03
Speaker 1: bouncing around for a while with jobs and traveling, so
19:05
Speaker 1: I guess this is the first time that I've decided
19:07
Speaker 1: to lock in and pursue my career. One of my
19:10
Speaker 1: roles is sales, and though I have been doing sales
19:12
Speaker 1: my whole life, it's something I really struggle to stay
19:14
Speaker 1: motivated with, especially as I'm running my own schedule, and
19:17
Speaker 1: it can be easy to slack off at times. Basically,
19:20
Speaker 1: the faster I grow the company, the quicker I can
19:22
Speaker 1: get out of sales and move into the management side
19:25
Speaker 1: of things, as I can hire someone else to step
19:27
Speaker 1: into sales. I'm also getting commissions. There's so there are
19:30
Speaker 1: things pushing me, but I'm still struggling. I know I'm
19:33
Speaker 1: good at my job, but I think it takes a
19:35
Speaker 1: certain breed to be really successful salesmen, and the pressure
19:38
Speaker 1: and that pressuring energy they produce really isn't me. I
19:42
Speaker 1: know it's not forever, but I'm locked in for at
19:44
Speaker 1: least another year or two. On top of this, I'm
19:47
Speaker 1: also trying to start my own business, but find my
19:50
Speaker 1: brain is so focused on my current job. I find
19:52
Speaker 1: it hard to find the motivation to sit down and
19:55
Speaker 1: put time into my personal business plans. And it tips
19:58
Speaker 1: on motivation, focus, focus, and juggling tasks would be greatly appreciated.
20:03
Speaker 1: Amazing question. I love this question. Also, I couldn't agree more.
20:07
Speaker 1: I feel like salespeople. People that are good at sales,
20:10
Speaker 1: they're a fucking different breed, Like my hat goes off
20:13
Speaker 1: to them, like live my best friend she's a fucking
20:15
Speaker 1: gun at sales and she lives and breeds it and
20:17
Speaker 1: she loves it, and I'm like, oh my god, I
20:18
Speaker 1: feel like that's like sales would be like a magic
20:21
Speaker 1: random skill that would be so great to just have
20:23
Speaker 1: if you didn't have it, Because I agree it takes
20:26
Speaker 1: a breed of person to just innately fucking love sales,
20:29
Speaker 1: and I love that for people. And so the fact
20:31
Speaker 1: that you're doing sales when it's really not something that
20:33
Speaker 1: you love is very commendable. And I fucking really respect
20:39
Speaker 1: that that you put yourself in that field and that
20:40
Speaker 1: you're really working hard and you're trying. So I want
20:42
Speaker 1: you to number one, acknowledge that about yourself. You know,
20:45
Speaker 1: I know it feels like a struggle, but you've also
20:46
Speaker 1: got to say, like, how fucking resourceful am I that
20:50
Speaker 1: I'm able to do this job that I don't really
20:52
Speaker 1: love and I acknowledge that it's just not me, but
20:55
Speaker 1: because I've got an end goal in sight, okay, And
20:58
Speaker 1: You've another thing that I think might be on your
21:00
Speaker 1: mind is that there's two end goals here. There's I
21:03
Speaker 1: want to move into the GM role here, but I've
21:06
Speaker 1: also got my own business, So I want you to
21:08
Speaker 1: ask yourself, does GM in this company and your own
21:11
Speaker 1: business clash does your own business eventually be like, I
21:14
Speaker 1: want to move out of this company altogether. Is part
21:17
Speaker 1: of the desire to have your own business, making you
21:19
Speaker 1: tap out more of this job than you realize, because
21:23
Speaker 1: sometimes when you decide on a passion, because the answer
21:25
Speaker 1: might be not the answer might be like, oh, no, no, no,
21:27
Speaker 1: they're two completely separate businesses and I plan to be
21:31
Speaker 1: GM but then have my own business on the side.
21:33
Speaker 1: That might be your answer. But if it's not your answer,
21:36
Speaker 1: sometimes when we start getting a fire for something, even
21:39
Speaker 1: if we have an action, like you're struggling to find
21:41
Speaker 1: time to put into you and your business, that attention,
21:46
Speaker 1: that passion, the attention and passion that you have for
21:49
Speaker 1: something else makes it really hard, feels like your feet
21:51
Speaker 1: are made out of lead and you're dragging your feet
21:53
Speaker 1: through your other job because you're like, oh, I've emotionally
21:55
Speaker 1: tapped out of this. So I want you to really
21:57
Speaker 1: be honest with yourself and say, am I just like
22:01
Speaker 1: too invested in what I want to be doing even
22:03
Speaker 1: if I haven't actioned it. Just just the thought of
22:05
Speaker 1: it is the thought of it so like, oh, this
22:07
Speaker 1: would be so much better than what I'm doing now
22:09
Speaker 1: that it's causing me to have a much worse time
22:11
Speaker 1: in my job right now because it's making me like
22:13
Speaker 1: the contrast is just fucking dire, right, So that's a
22:17
Speaker 1: question to ask yourself. Then you have to ask yourself
22:21
Speaker 1: if my business that I want to start on the
22:23
Speaker 1: side does clash with me being general manager. Does that
22:26
Speaker 1: mean that I'm not pushing myself that hard because general
22:29
Speaker 1: manager will hopefully never have to be think because I
22:31
Speaker 1: want my business to succeed more so than general manager,
22:34
Speaker 1: because that's also going to be getting in the way
22:36
Speaker 1: that's going to lower your motivation. Okay, So what I
22:39
Speaker 1: want you to number one determine is really, where is
22:43
Speaker 1: my motivation here? Where does my motivation lie? Is it
22:46
Speaker 1: in being general manager at this place and really like
22:50
Speaker 1: taking over and being able to like delegate roles to
22:53
Speaker 1: other people and managing this thing and it's going to
22:55
Speaker 1: be fucking epic, and then my personal business can like
22:57
Speaker 1: also run smoothie on the side, or is it fun
23:00
Speaker 1: fucking this thing off altogether and eventually doing my own thing?
23:03
Speaker 1: What is the answer? Okay, Now let's imagine that the
23:06
Speaker 1: answer is, I want to be general manager, but I'd
23:09
Speaker 1: like to have my own business on the side. This
23:11
Speaker 1: is one of those situations where I don't want you
23:14
Speaker 1: to one hundred percent focus on the end goal because
23:15
Speaker 1: people say focus on the end goal and it'll keep
23:17
Speaker 1: you motivated. But if the end goal is too far away,
23:19
Speaker 1: like one to two years, that can be a little
23:21
Speaker 1: bit disheartening. It's like, for Fox's sake, that's a fucking
23:23
Speaker 1: century away. I'm this is a slog I'm fucked and
23:28
Speaker 1: i hate sales and I'm struggling. Okay, So instead of
23:30
Speaker 1: focusing on the end goal, this is where I think
23:33
Speaker 1: that it'll be easier to be motivated if you're somebody
23:37
Speaker 1: that can go in do your job, but when you leave,
23:40
Speaker 1: you're able to absolutely switch off. It's got to be
23:42
Speaker 1: like a switch Okay. So one of my good friends,
23:45
Speaker 1: she's got a job that she's a gun at. She
23:48
Speaker 1: gets headhunted often. She's very fucking good at what she does.
23:52
Speaker 1: Every time she goes for an interview, she gets the
23:54
Speaker 1: job offer. And she doesn't really love her job, but
23:57
Speaker 1: she loves her life, right, So what she does is
24:01
Speaker 1: she goes into work kills it five o'clock, she's like,
24:05
Speaker 1: see you can't, I'll see you on Monday, Like doesn't
24:08
Speaker 1: give them a thought until Monday, right, Because she's one
24:12
Speaker 1: of those perfect like those perfect situations where it's like, yeah, no,
24:15
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily love my job, but it pays me
24:17
Speaker 1: well and I like the lifestyle that it gives me,
24:19
Speaker 1: and I'm good enough at what I do because I
24:23
Speaker 1: go in, I fuck and smash it, but then I
24:24
Speaker 1: tap out. She's very good at tapping out at the
24:27
Speaker 1: end of the day, the day finishes, tap and mind you,
24:29
Speaker 1: she also has a business on the side that she's
24:31
Speaker 1: growing and she's really enjoying it and it's for fun.
24:33
Speaker 1: She's got a crazy good social life. She's got this
24:35
Speaker 1: business on the side that she really enjoys, and she
24:38
Speaker 1: is one of the happiest people that I know, because
24:39
Speaker 1: she has really struck a balance, a perfect balance between
24:43
Speaker 1: I don't necessarily love my job, but I go in,
24:47
Speaker 1: I'm present, I do what I need to do, but
24:50
Speaker 1: the most important thing is the moment I leave that office.
24:53
Speaker 1: I leave my work at the office too. Are you
24:56
Speaker 1: doing that when you're doing a job that you don't
24:59
Speaker 1: really love but you also don't want to quit because
25:02
Speaker 1: there are going to be benefits down the line, and
25:05
Speaker 1: not like in ten years time, like you said, in
25:06
Speaker 1: one or two years down the line. Then my advice
25:09
Speaker 1: to you is balance, Balance, Balance, How can I balance
25:13
Speaker 1: this out? So because at the end of the day,
25:15
Speaker 1: you're not leaving this job, that's clear. So how do
25:18
Speaker 1: I live with this job that I don't like? And
25:21
Speaker 1: that is my answer to you. I want you to live. Wait, no,
25:26
Speaker 1: I don't want to say this wrong. I want you
25:27
Speaker 1: to work to live and not live to work. When
25:30
Speaker 1: we get caught up in i've got too many goals
25:33
Speaker 1: going on, and all these goals are financial and career based,
25:36
Speaker 1: then you end up living to work no matter how
25:38
Speaker 1: much you love your job. If all your goals are
25:40
Speaker 1: based around income, you are living to work. So you
25:44
Speaker 1: have to say to yourself, how skewed is this and
25:47
Speaker 1: how much of my life is just to live versus
25:50
Speaker 1: to work. I can guarantee you when you zoom out,
25:53
Speaker 1: when you put energy into things that are not work
25:55
Speaker 1: related and not even related to your business on the side,
25:58
Speaker 1: just to you to quality time doing things for you
26:02
Speaker 1: that fill up your carp spending time with people. What
26:05
Speaker 1: are my social schedule look like, what does my me
26:07
Speaker 1: time look like? Do I have hobbies? Do I allocate
26:11
Speaker 1: time to things? Or am I too tired? And I
26:12
Speaker 1: get home and then I'm just stressing and I'm thinking
26:14
Speaker 1: of it, And then when I try and work on
26:15
Speaker 1: my side business at home, I actually end up like
26:17
Speaker 1: not being productive on it and stressing about the other
26:19
Speaker 1: work that I'm doing. You know, like, how does that
26:21
Speaker 1: look like? And I would even say you could even
26:24
Speaker 1: pause just a little bit on your business on the
26:27
Speaker 1: side until you nail that balance. And then when you're
26:31
Speaker 1: feeling fuck, I feel really good. I don't have to
26:34
Speaker 1: love my job, but now I've got that balance, I'm
26:36
Speaker 1: able to mentally check out because I've got things that
26:38
Speaker 1: I look forward to every afternoon, even if it's just
26:41
Speaker 1: something I do for myself alone. I have things that
26:43
Speaker 1: I look forward to on the weekends. My job is
26:45
Speaker 1: not my life. My life does not revolve around my job.
26:48
Speaker 1: My job revolves around my life. Then when you finally
26:51
Speaker 1: get to that point, then you start working on your
26:54
Speaker 1: business again and you'll enter working on that business with
26:56
Speaker 1: the brand new energy. So sometimes it's good to pause
27:01
Speaker 1: and reset because you don't want to keep grinding and
27:03
Speaker 1: grinding and grinding, grinding. When you're annoyed and frustrated because
27:05
Speaker 1: you're not putting the right energy into that, take a
27:08
Speaker 1: fucking sabbatical or whatever the word is. Take a three
27:11
Speaker 1: weeks one month off working on your side business, reset, regroup,
27:15
Speaker 1: change your priorities, make it about whatever. Go into work
27:18
Speaker 1: being like, I'm fucking you know, I've got to make
27:20
Speaker 1: this about the journey, and the journey is my time
27:22
Speaker 1: after work. I'm just going to give it what I
27:23
Speaker 1: can give it. You know that you're not the best
27:25
Speaker 1: salesperson in the world. You also don't want to dedicate
27:27
Speaker 1: your life into becoming the best salesperson in the world
27:29
Speaker 1: because it's not a long term thing. So just do
27:31
Speaker 1: your best, do your fucking best, and then come home
27:34
Speaker 1: being like, bye, I did what I can do. I
27:36
Speaker 1: left nothing on the table, so it's done, and then
27:38
Speaker 1: you feel so much better about yourself at the end
27:40
Speaker 1: of the day. So, while I haven't been able to
27:42
Speaker 1: give you an absolute perfect solution, but my suggestion for
27:47
Speaker 1: you would be pause on your business plans until you
27:49
Speaker 1: start to feel really clear and calm, and then in
27:52
Speaker 1: like three weeks in a month, you can return to
27:55
Speaker 1: this business. After taking mental time off, you're going to
27:58
Speaker 1: feel so much more motivated, You're gonna feel so much fresher,
28:00
Speaker 1: you're gonna feel way more accepting of the fact that
28:02
Speaker 1: you're in this job for another one to two years,
28:04
Speaker 1: and you will approach it with a much patient, kinder heart,
28:08
Speaker 1: and you will feel better. So hopefully that helps. Right in,
28:12
Speaker 1: if I've given you advice, and not just on this episode,
28:14
Speaker 1: but in any episode, if I've given you advice that
28:16
Speaker 1: you're like, oh, I took that advice and it worked,
28:18
Speaker 1: or I took your advice and it was fucking shit,
28:20
Speaker 1: just right in and let me know, give me feedback
28:22
Speaker 1: on how it worked. Guys, thank you so much for
28:25
Speaker 1: listening to the head Noise episode of Today. As always,
28:29
Speaker 1: remember be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain,
28:31
Speaker 1: don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
28:33
Speaker 1: from yourself.
28:34
Speaker 2: Dunk it.