Latest / Lightbearer's Library / The quiet grief of being rejected for what you believe (INFJ / INFP)

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The quiet grief of being rejected for what you believe (INFJ / INFP) · Lightbearer's Library

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Hello, dear soul.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: Perhaps you've had family members or friends who you've known long time, or even a community where you thought they knew you.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_01: You assumed that if you disagreed with them in some way, that there would still be room for a relationship together.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_01: But perhaps you then expressed something that is unpopular, something that goes against what everyone else accepts as true, or perhaps you just stopped agreeing with pretending to agree with them on something that you hold dear, whether it's an idea, a belief, something about yourself, and then you realize that that relationship has conditions.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_01: Conditions that you need to agree with them on.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_01: And then they cast you out because of whatever it is that you shared.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: And I think the hardest part is that it's not not that they think that we're wrong.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: It's that they no longer want us in their life because they think that we're wrong.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that has a lot of pain and grief in it.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_01: Because maybe beforehand, like I think in so many relationships of mine, like this happened with my mom, and I shared something with her, and it's my mom, you know, like isn't there supposed to be a bond that is greater than any idea, any belief, any anything, and you know, to just get get abandoned like that has been really, really difficult over the last few years.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_01: But with other relationships too, I've questioned it's like there's this rock and hard place issue problem where you know, if we stay quiet about whatever it is that we would like to share, we we kind of we keep the relationship.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: But over time we stop feeling like we're actually known for who we are, because those things are foundational, like our values and our beliefs and our thoughts.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_01: Like I feel like those are the foundation for me at least of a relationship in some way.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_01: But then if we speak honestly and authentically about what's happening for us, we we we preserve that authenticity, we keep that integrity, but then we lose the relationship amidst maybe chaos and drama, which I don't know about you, but I'm not I don't not want for chaos and drama.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: But then the thing is, is like if we if we so the the what's what's left to us.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: We don't speak and we feel like there's no like integrity to the relationship.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_01: We say something and it blows up.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: And I feel like the third way is like we can kind of quietly step away, but then I feel like we you know it's hard because then it's like a feel like I'm gonna be misunderstood as being cold or uncaring, or they'll think I'm selfish or that I abandon them.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: And there's like there is no good option, and it's the question I guess comes to how do I remain true to myself and without hurting other people that I care about, or yeah, and and it's hard in this world where it just seems that that that I I you know ideas and beliefs, everyone's set and stuck in these places, and I'm much more one for nuance and thinking deeply about things and researching and doing my own examining of different topics to see what I actually think, not just going along with people because that's what people like me think, or whatever.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_01: And um, this is not really an acceptable thing to do these days.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, you know, you know what I'm saying.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: But I think that it's it's hard because it's, you know, how do we live in this world and have relationships where we love one another and and have different worldviews from one another?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: How do we have relationships where we can really truly sit and listen to one another and try and um understand another person's perspective without without like shoving them away, without casting them out, and that we can have different, you know, we have different experiences of life, different fears, different values.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: I think under underlying that is our values, and I value human individual souls and and understanding their their view and their perspective.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: If I if I if I love them and want them in my life, I'm I'm happy for them to think what they want.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to change them.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want to like like make them think what I think.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_01: Because one, when I was younger, I may have tried to do that with with you know, here's the facts and here's the you know, the reasons why.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_01: It's like there's something I remember, it's like you can't reason someone out of something that they were never reasoned into.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_01: You know, we grow up with different programming and beliefs, and and if we never really think about those things, then we just go along through life thinking that that's the way the world is.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: And so I don't want to change people's belief.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: I just want to to to like have relationships based underneath those, valuing human love and human connection.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_01: So, and and and dignity, the dignity of of each person to to believe what they want.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: And so I think that um I I I I've gotten to the place where I I don't I can't self-edit anymore with relationships in my life, and therefore I don't really have any friends.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_01: Um, that's been for a long time.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: Like my husband and I have worked for ourselves for the la over the last decade, so and moved a lot.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: So that means that I don't I haven't been able to keep relationships much, but um you know the one the one that I do have, it's just it's just too exhausting to keep self-editing and but I yeah, I just wish that disagreement didn't mean that we have to disconnect.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_01: So if you are if you have had this experience of saying something important to you that's important to you, and shared it with someone that you loved and been abandoned or rejected by that person, then I feel you, I I feel you deeply that that that that hurt and that grief that that the love couldn't over overcome an idea, a belief, like these things are so silly and I'm not I'm not reducing our beliefs and our ideas, they're important, they're important, but but the human soul and love is so much bigger than that, and so I think it's important to to acknowledge the anger because I feel so angry too at just being cast aside and I feel I mean underneath anger always I feel like resides a deep, deep hurt and grief.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: Um especially if it's a parental figure or sibling and to not to not like and and and it's not like think that they're bad people or that they're it's just like I I try not to just I know where she's coming from, I get it, like I can see her perspective, I see everything, and I um I didn't want to change her mind about anything, but it just means that the relationship doesn't isn't able to continue the way that it was, and that we uh can still we can still love them and I I think the thing is is I was thinking like yeah we'll still ha we still have the memories but I feel like all the memories are just tinged with this grief and this sadness.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: I I can't even think about memories with my mom in them anymore and or my family and I just feel I feel like there's no there's I just feel like the past memories have no comfort anymore and and I can't see the future clearly and so it feels sometimes quite dark too, so there's no um it feels like there's no refuge sometimes from this this pain and this grief, and I know that I'm just moving through it.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_01: So if you're you know if you're moving through this too, or it's it's I feel you, and I think that I think that we just I I just wished for more curiosity, more room for disagreement, and more of a willingness to understand.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_01: So I think that I'm trying to not, you know, paint everyone like out there in that in that way.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_01: I'm trying to like moving forward in having relationships, like I want friendships in my life again that I I feel like that's really nourishing to our souls and to not yeah, not like like be down on people.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'm I'm open to having finding relationships where there's nuanced thinking and gray thinking, right?
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_01: Where it's and and leaving room for for disagreement, but still still holding the the human soul underneath that with with reverence and with love.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_00: So yeah.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to hear your stories about if you if you've been through something like this.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_01: And it could be, you know, with yeah, I know there's a lot of religious religious hurt, and um that can be it.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: It's like kind of like the the heretics of old.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: We get rejected like we're a heretic.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_01: And um yeah, so please do share your stories so that you know I don't feel so alone.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_01: And if you've been through this, then you know others will share their stories and feel not so alone.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_01: I just so appreciate the vulnerability of everyone in this community to share, share what they're going through, their griefs and their sorrows and and their angers and their hurts.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: So thank you.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you for that.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: And if you'd like to come and connect with me and others in this community, we're building such a wonderful connection and a web of connections in the Light Bears Library lives.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_01: There will be one this evening on Friday evening at um 8 p.m.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_01: Eastern time in North America.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_01: Sorry, I didn't bring all the times, but the times will be in the pinned comment below.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: And there will be one on Sunday at 1 p.m.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: Um, sorry, on at 3 p.m.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: Eastern um on Sunday.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_01: So yeah, I would love we just have such a wonderful time connecting over grief and sorrow and the joys that are in our lives, and just yeah, a place to not have to hide so much, to just be real with one another and present.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm so grateful for that.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's those are the highlights of my week.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_01: And if you'd like to come and be together with, you know, uh a group of six men and we talk on online on camera, if you want.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: You don't have to be on camera, but we talk about all sorts of things and we get sort of into a deeper place of of these kinds of conversations.
• 15:00
  SPEAKER_01: And uh it's a four-week, a four-week container that we build together and we go on an intuitive journey, just just co-creating the space and sharing, sharing about our lives as highly sensitive feelers, intuitives.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_01: And um, I'd love to have you have you join us.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_01: So that starts on November the um 3rd, I think.
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: So all the information will be in the description below.
• 15:26
  SPEAKER_01: Okay, well, I'm wishing you so many blessings.
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_01: Signing off for today, XOXO Kate.