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The 'Hidden Benefits' of Negative Cycles · Trauma Free Relationship

0:04
Welcome to trauma Free relationship.
0:06
I'm Tom Phillip, and if you're new, thank you for joining us.
0:10
And if you've heard this before, thanks for coming back.
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I hope you continue to find value in it.
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I've been working with couples for many, many years, decades in
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fact, helping them break their painful cycles that keep them
0:25
stuck so they can communicate better, stay connected longer,
0:29
and repair those ruptures faster.
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Now, I'm really excited about today's episode, mostly because
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I think this is something that I haven't heard a lot of people
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talk about. When I look up other similar
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therapist or coaches that are doing what I'm doing, I'm not
0:49
really seeing this particular subject come up.
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And today we're going to talk about the hidden benefits of
0:56
cycles. Now, to be sure, there's lots of
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talk about cycles out there because they're so prominent in
1:02
our relationship. There's a lot of folks,
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including myself, that really hone in on those aspects of the
1:09
relationship that can keep people stuck.
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Those, those feedback loops and escalations that so often bog
1:19
the couple down and prevent them from being able to problem
1:22
solve, from being able to show up for each other in the way
1:26
that feels like love and in being able to grow together in
1:30
the relationship. So we talk a lot about cycles,
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but today I'm going to kind of turn that a little bit on its
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ear and we're going to talk about some of the benefits of
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cycles. Now, in psychological terms,
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this is called secondary gain. Now, what does that mean?
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Secondary gain really just means that there are hidden benefits,
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unconscious benefits to doing something even if it's painful.
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So cycles can be painful for a lot of couples in the
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relationship, but can there also be some hidden benefits,
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unconscious types of benefits that the couple can gain from
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actually maintaining and supporting those cycles.
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And so that's what we're going to hone in on today.
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Now, I've got a list here. This isn't exhaustive, but I
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think there's about 6:00 or 7:00 that I really want to walk
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through that I think are the most prominent secondary gains
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or hidden benefits for couples or really anybody in a
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relationship they might have if they continue to enact their
2:40
same cycles in their relationship.
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And so we're just going to walk through these and just see as
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you're listening to this, if you find yourself in, in any one of
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these, if you think, oh man, that that possibly could be a
2:56
hidden benefit that we're not even recognizing to our cycles.
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And so the first one is getting attention.
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Sometimes I think we can start an argument because we might
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need to get attention from our partner.
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Maybe our partner's been very busy, maybe we don't know how to
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ask for it in a more constructed, vulnerable way.
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So getting negative attention is at least better than getting no
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attention at all. So I think sometimes one or both
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partners can feel like the relationship is drifting, is
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straining, and they want to get each other's more undivided
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attention, but maybe don't have the skills or don't quite know
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how to really be able to ask for that from one another.
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And as a result, what they do is they start picking at things.
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They start honing in on small details that maybe they can
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start controlling, but not the bigger picture of, Hey, I would
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love for us to spend more quality time together.
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I miss you. I want to be closer to you.
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It's very possible that sometimes one or both partners
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could be needing attention. And so they fall into the trap
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of getting into cycles, criticism or blame when what
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they're really wanting is for their partner to just pay more
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attention to them. So I think that's what I'm for
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sure that I see is couples will try to get each other's
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attention, undivided attention. They'll try to get them to be
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more emotionally available and responsive to them, but maybe go
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about it in a negative way. We certainly can see this with
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our children, right? Our children will get attention
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sometimes because they need that attention.
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Whether it's good attention or bad attention, at least they're
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getting attention. Somebody's paying attention to
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them. I don't think we're that much
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different as adults either. Sometimes we don't know how to
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get our partners attention. And what we're really needing
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deep down is just to be have more attention from our partner.
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And so sometimes we might pick up a fight to do that.
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Another thing that I really see is couples can avoid change or
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responsibility. And so it's easier to fall into
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cycles because it helps them avoid the uncomfortableness of
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changing, the uncomfortableness of taking responsibility for
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their actions, their feelings, and their decisions.
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And I certainly see this a lot with couples that are trying to
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figure out what to do with the relationship.
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They say it's hurtful. They say they don't want to be
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in it. They say their partner needs to
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love them differently. And yet they don't leave.
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And yet then I'm not advocating partners leave, but they don't.
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It's not even just that they don't leave.
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They don't also try to take that next step of, hey, let's do
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something different here. Let's collaborate and work
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together. Let's go to therapy or let's
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hire a coach. Let's do something, let's go to
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a seminar or a program, something that's going to help
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us break out of this because I, as your partner, am not getting
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what I need. And I'm avoiding the change that
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might have to occur within me to be able to get more of that.
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And I'm avoiding the responsibility of that choice,
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if that makes any sense. We all have choices in our
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relationship. I was talking to a good friend
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of mine. He's, he's divorced and dating
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around and has somebody that he's really enjoyed dating right
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now. And the other day he said that
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he's got a choice to make because there's some things in
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this relationship that could affect him long term.
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And he has to decide whether that is going to be enough of a
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deterrence to move forward in this relationship and take it
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deeper or further or not. And I really applauded him for
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having and he's been doing the work, by the way, he's been in
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his own, in his own counseling and therapy and, and doing his
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own work. And clearly that showed up
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because here he was saying, look, I see some, some, some
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yellow flags, let's say. I don't know if they're red
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flags because he enjoys her very much, but certainly some yellow
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flags. And as a result, he's
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recognizing those. He's not glossing over them.
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He's not saying, oh, well, she'll change down the line or,
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you know, oh, it'll be all right if I just ignore it.
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Rather, he's saying no, some things would have to change, and
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that might be uncomfortable to change that.
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And it might require me to change a little bit too in ways
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that stretch me, that stretch my growth, that make me feel
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uncomfortable and the responsibility of the choice
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that I have to make to do that. So that's one thing I certainly
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see with couples as well as they avoid the change or the
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responsibility that comes with with the relationship.
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And so it's easier to fall into these cycles than it is to
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really face those kinds of things.
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I think another one is that cycles can just feel normal.
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I know a lot of people have past traumas, past hurts, past wounds
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they carry into their current relationship, and it's very
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possible they grew up in a family where chaos was the norm,
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where people resolve their differences through Ray's voices
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or yelling or threatening the relationship or storming out.
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This is what was modeled to them.
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And as a result, cycles and argument can actually feel
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normal. And in some ways it can actually
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feel like, oh, this is what love feels like.
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This is what I'm used to. This is the expression of love
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that I know when someone's upset with you, they yell at you,
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scream at you, they, they, you might call you names or they
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criticize and blame you. And, and this is what is, is
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their way of trying to get the love that they need because they
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love you. And so this actually feels
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normal to some people. And so sometimes we can fall
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into cycles. And the benefit from this is
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that, oh, well, this is, this is just what love is like.
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This is this is actually normal so that that frustration or
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chaos, the feeling of stuckness that comes with cycles can
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actually feel very normal to that individual.
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Another way, we're on the 4th 1 here if you're keeping track.
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Another way is protection from vulnerability.
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So I see this a lot as well. One or even both partners have
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never learned how to be vulnerable.
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Vulnerability is something that's going to get you hurt.
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It's something that's going to leave you feeling shame.
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You're going to get attacked. You know, being susceptible to,
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to, to hurt while being vulnerable is sort of a double
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whammy because one, you're putting yourself out there to be
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vulnerable. And then two, if you're not
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getting back something that's more productive and healing and,
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and nurturing, then that that hits you even harder.
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One, it's hard to do that. You're, you're creeping out on
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the edge of the limb and then to somebody's behind you sawing off
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the limb and saying, well, you shouldn't have gone out there.
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That really sucks, doesn't it? And they're saw on the limb
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behind you and you're like, oh man, why did I do this?
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Never again. Never again will I make myself
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vulnerable to another person because I only get further hurt.
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So definitely, I think cycles can protect a couple from
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actually learning how to be vulnerable with one another.
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It's easier to fall into a cycle than it is be vulnerable.
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It's easy to criticize or shut down or blame our partner or
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have a pursue withdrawal or over function or under function or or
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whatever different kind of cycle you might have in your
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relationship. It's easier to play that out
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than it is to actually stop and slow down and try to take the
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risk of being vulnerable with our partner.
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So that's another one. I see a sense of control is is
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another one. This is number 5.
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And, and certainly I see this with a lot of couples as well,
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moving away from feeling helpless.
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A lot of times our cycles cause us to feel helpless, but it also
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gives us a sense of control. So we might create a cycle, we
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might create some kind of conflict in order to avoid
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feeling helpless. Because when we feel helpless,
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we don't know what to do and we don't know what questions to ask
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to even get the information to know what to do different.
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So we just end up feeling helpless, which in some ways
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fuels the cycles even more. So a loss of control and that
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feeling of helplessness could be one of the, the hidden benefits,
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if you will, not that it's a positive benefit, but it could
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be one way to mask what's happening underneath, which is,
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you know, when, when we're not in a cycle, I, I feel helpless
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and I feel helpless when we get in a cycle.
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And so it's easier just to be in a cycle and to be angry because
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anger at least makes me feel like I'm doing something than it
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is to feel sad or lonely or depressed about where we are in
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our relationship because that makes me feel helpless.
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So cycles can actually move me away from feeling helpless into
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a place where at least I feel like I'm doing something, even
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if it's not very productive. Number six, I, I think cycles
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can absolutely help couples avoid bigger issues in the
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relationship. And avoidance I would say is
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certainly one of the bigger ones.
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Maybe there's some decisions the couple needs to make.
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Maybe there's some grieving the couple needs to go through the
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loss of a child or something along those lines.
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And, and, and it's easier to get into cycles.
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It's easier to be upset about how each of us might be mourning
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differently than it is to actually come together and be
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vulnerable, as I mentioned, but come together and, and actually
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mourn the loss of a child and, and not avoid that mourning
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process. Or, you know, what is it we need
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to decide about our relationship or decide about making a big
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move with the family. So sometimes I can see cycles
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being created because it actually helps the couple avoid
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something that's that's much larger.
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And maybe that avoidance, especially if you're dating, not
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particularly so much as if you're married, although that
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can that can come with it as well.
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But maybe if you're dating, it is easier to avoid that.
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There's a lack of compatibility here.
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So it's easier just to get into cycles than it is to be able to
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sit with those bigger decisions that have to be made.
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And certainly I've worked with a lot of non married couples that
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have been together a while and there are now at a crossroads.
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Do do we take the path left? Do we pay, take the path right
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together? Or does one of us go left and
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the other go right? And we're sitting at a
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crossroads here and we can't have both.
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We cannot have both. We might want both, but we can't
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have both. And so it's easier to fall into
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cycles than it is to actually make those decisions that are
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hurtful, painful, and quite frankly, vulnerable because we
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don't always know what's next. And we, we know there's
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something on the other side, but it could be painful and it could
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be worse. And so we just avoid making
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those decisions. And cycles are a great way to
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avoid making those decisions. And then the next one is #7 is
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maintaining a familiar role or identity.
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In other words, this can be sort of the self fulfilling prophecy
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of a core belief. So if a core belief you have is
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I don't deserve love, I'll never measure up, I'll never be
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enough, I'm too much for others, whatever that that core belief
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might be for you. And obviously it was born out of
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some inadequate relationships, some probably past trauma or
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wounds. But sometimes those core beliefs
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are, are so familiar to us that we enact them in our cycles.
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And if we get into an argument and then we are always the
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victim, it might be that we're actually enacting a core belief.
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We're manifesting that into our relationship.
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And so I've certainly seen that be a lot of reason for cycles as
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well. Because if I have to always be
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the victim, then it's easy to create an argument where I'm the
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victim or to turn it around where I'm the victim.
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If I'm always the person that is never getting enough love, then
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it's easy for me to create a cycle where I end up reinforcing
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that belief. And so I see a lot of cycles
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play out where they maintain a, a core belief or a sense of
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identity, how we see ourselves in the relationship.
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And so that's another reason I think there can be some hidden
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benefits to cycles. Now notice, I'm not saying these
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are necessarily positive benefits in, in our in our the,
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the hidden benefits. I don't necessarily mean that
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these are positive benefits, but I do think they are some hidden
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benefits that sometimes psychologically speaking, can
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provide us certain benefits. And so just to just to re
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emphasize, I, I'm not talking about, you know, healthy
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benefits here. Usually these are negative
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benefits, but cycles can certainly allow us to avoid or
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to dismiss or delay or even deny other things that might be
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happening in ourselves or in the relationship.
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And so just being aware of some of those potential benefits and
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payouts, I think are really healthy.
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Now what what we want to do is we want to be able to recognize
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those. So OK, with this information,
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what do we do with it now, right?
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I think that's the the next step.
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So step number one is to identify the hidden benefit.
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Ask yourself, what is this pattern protecting me from
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feeling or needing? What is this pattern protecting
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me from feeling or needing? What is it?
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I might be avoiding either with my feelings or might be avoiding
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a decision that I need to make or avoiding something that needs
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to be different within me or within the relationship that
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that this patterns actually protecting me from.
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It's actually keeping hidden because I'm so focused on the
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cycle and this painful pattern I get stuck with in my, in my
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relationship with my partner, but there's, there's a hidden
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benefit underneath it. So that's the first thing.
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I think secondly is if you can identify what that is.
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Well, I'm, I'm avoiding a decision that needs to be made
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about, about a move for my family or about a decision about
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this relationship, or I'm voiding grieving the loss of our
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child, or I'm voiding actually healing that affair my partner
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had, whatever it might be. Being able to recognize that and
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then being able to valid that, validate that, that's step #2
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how can we just validate that? Oh, OK, that makes sense.
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I've been, I've been delaying this for a while.
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I've been not allowing myself to feel this or not allowing myself
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to be vulnerable enough to ask for this.
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And as a result, it might just be easier to shut down or
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criticize my partner. It might be easier to, you know,
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vacillate between wanting to be in the relationship and out of
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the relationship threatening the relationship.
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Well, if this doesn't approve, I'm going to leave, whatever it
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might be. It might be easier to do that
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than it is to actually sit with those feelings that I've been
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avoiding and actually learn how to provide those to myself.
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And that is step #3 how do I help myself create or, you know,
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give myself the, the, the unmet need there?
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How do I create a new way for me to meet that need?
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And a new way might be moving from protection to expressing my
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feelings, moving from protection to vulnerability.
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It might be moving from avoidance to being able to be
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more open. And more expressive with my
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partner and actually ask for what I might need in this
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relationship. Maybe I've got some hurts around
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feeling like I don't have any right to ask for my needs.
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I don't have any right to actually put myself out there
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and say, hey, this is something I'm really longing for in the
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relationship and I need you to try to hear this.
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And so we need to be able to provide that need for us in a
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different way. Maybe I go get that need met
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through through some different experiences with different
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friends, a a different friend group.
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If my partner is just incapable of providing that need, then I
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might have to find that need somewhere else.
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Or I've got my mom that I'm really close to or my dad that
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I'm really close to or whomever it is.
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I just can rely on them for those types of needs because I
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can't my partner, but I haven't even been allowing myself to do
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that. So finding a new way to meet
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that need is step #3 and, and the fourth one is regulate
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yourself before replacing the pattern.
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So we talked about this all the time on here.
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Regulate before you communicate. Regulate before you communicate.
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So if you see that you've been avoiding something and the
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pattern is keeping that mask or hidden, then get yourself
21:26
regulated because what will happen is you're less likely to
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fall into the pattern. But if you're not prepared to be
21:33
able to, to take responsibility for what it is you need and you
21:36
want in that relationship, then you're likely to just repeat
21:40
that pattern again. So really make sure and hone in
21:44
on your ability to be able to regulate yourself before you ask
21:51
for what you need in your relationship or before you need
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to feel something you haven't been allowing yourself to feel.
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Try to get yourself into a place where you're more regulated
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because then that's really going to help you not fall back into
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the cycle. By doing that alone, you're
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already starting to change the cycle.
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You're already starting to address what might be hidden
22:14
underneath the cycle and, and really be able to meet whatever
22:20
that need is or, or provide that for yourself or the relationship
22:25
might be able to provide that for you because you'll no longer
22:28
need the cycle and whatever sort of hidden benefit might lie
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underneath. All right, thank you so much.
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Hey, if you're interested in learning more about our cycle
22:39
reset program, I'll post a link down below.
22:42
You can sign up and I'll meet you online.
22:45
We'll have a brief conversation. I'd be happy to lay out what the
22:48
program looks like and just to see if you'd be a good fit for
22:52
that.