Transcript

Hello Pain · Jess Ask

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Hey, it's your girl, Jess. You've just entered a safe space for
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Kingdom entrepreneurs and creatives to decompress, have fun, and yeah, you've guessed
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it a safe place to just ask. Before we get into it, be
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sure to subscribe and download the podcast follow me on all platforms at the justices
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Smith and Invital Friend. Also make sure you DM me your feedback and questions
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so we can keep the conversation going. Now, let's get into this week's
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episode, Thank You Always feared. I went to Ireland. I went to
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Ireland my junior year entering, my oh entering, and my senior year.
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And the time I went to Ireland, my memo head just passed away from
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cancer. And this song just literally dropped in my heart because they this is
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where I learned this song. Uh, we did a vacation a Bible school
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for the kids in Ireland and the song goes, God is so good,
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God is so good, God is so good. He's so good to me.
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And it's so simple, but it's like it's so powerful, Like it's
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even more powerful. I think it's more powerful now because you have a revelation
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of who he is, you know. I think that's just that's Um.
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That's kind of faith, the faith walk in general. Like you know,
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we're reading the scriptures and things of that nature, but until it you get
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a personal revelation of what the words say to you. You know what I'm
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saying, That's what makes it real. He's always been good, but until
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you have your own experience with him, or your own encounter with him,
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or you know he's brought you through some things. Now you can say,
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I know he's good. Man. And the part that gets me, man,
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it's like the goodness, it's so undeserved. The goodness is so undeserved.
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Yeah, And it's like for me personally, I don't know why I'm
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here. I'm just gonna keep on for me personally, I look at UM.
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I think I still got the tea. I want to get you some
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new ones. Um, I got a whole new box for me. Personally,
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I look at I almost like how Pastorgates said to Day about the point
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system. I'm the opposite of who she was talking about with the self righteousness,
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because I feel like I don't have anything to be self righteous about right,
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because I could do a million things right, but the one thing I
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do wrong I will focus on it like, I was like why she was
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saying that. Today I literally had a moment because I'm like, Lord,
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why why can't I unFocus on this? Right? And we've talked about it
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before on the pot right, we've talked about it before, and just you
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know, being able to manage the focus though, we gotta remember the problem
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is is that we we choose to allow our focus to go where it wants
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to go, right. We choose to allow our focus to do what it
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needs, what it wants to do, be who it wants to be.
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And I really feel like God's when he said set, that word could also
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be identified as manage right to set your set your mind on things above.
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So manage your mind on things about because when you're managing something, that means
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that your fot this is so good being a manager. When I manage my
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people, I give it a tag to give them a task, and I
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follow up on them right. And so when it says set in my mind
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even right now, I'm thinking that, Okay, you got to manage your
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focus. And when you're not managing your focus, you allow it to go
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wherever it wants to go. Right. And so when when able to settle
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settle ourselves and then settle our focus and manage it will. I think that
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we regain the authority that's needed to be able to see God see what God
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sees in us, because when we don't, when we're unable to focus,
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we're unable to see. Right, Yeah, we're unable to see one of
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them. The topics that they had yesterday was healing the little girl, m
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right. And one thing I remember them saying is the little girl never goes
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away. It's just that as we gain wisdom, we start to recognize why
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she acts the way she do in certain situations. So why she feels abandoned,
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Why you know that she feels like nobody's going to ever be there for
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her. Right, So when you can, when you use wisdom and in
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a situation and she's starting to become the little girl, it's like, wait
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a minute, what's going on here? You know what I'm saying. Let
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me let me see what. Why am I being triggered right now? Because
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she's not gonna go away? But you have to, like you said,
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you have to put her in her place. You do. And it's so
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interesting that you just brought that up because I was on TikTok ticket to talk.
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We were recording. Yeah, we figed we're gonna signs. I mean,
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hey, y'all, we we just started talking. Now that's how it's
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gonna go. Welcome to just as safe place for entrepreneurs and creatives to decompress.
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That's where we are right now. So TikTok I went the Lord told
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me gonna live on tiktoo Friday, Go TikTok good. I went live on
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the tick in the top okay, And I'm gonna probably do it more often
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because you know, I got mental Mondays. Shout out to mental Mondays on
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Facebook. You can follow it on Hello It Well, Hello Jessica's Smith.
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I think that's on Facebook on Facebook. Yeah, hello jessica it Smith.
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So every Monday we go live. I been doing that at different times to
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see what's best for the community. It seems like nine pm busy best for
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the community. Modern nightd they like a nightime, they like a night side
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and so um, but never really go live on TikTok. And went live
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on TikTok after a completing multiple assignment y'all. So, I guess since I
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gave TikTok the story, I give YouTube the story, right. I probably
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post that live eventually because it was really raw and authentic. But so I
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was you know, I told you that I've battled anxiety and all this stuff
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like that, and the past seven days like it had been like on teen
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okay, and so UM the lawyer told me to look well, for for
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one, let me back up, I got a counselor, I got a
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counselor, I used my benefits for my nine five h and I just started
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back counceling. So we had our introduction UM called this past week, and
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so I told her that I told her that I was struggling submitting this paper
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because it was a human development paper and it was based upon like our we
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had to write this paper based upon our development. And so as I'm going
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through UM writing this paper, I'm utilizing or what they called Ericson Ericson's social
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psychosocial stages. It's eight of them, and UM, I love this.
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I love these, this this theory because it's so tangible and you can see
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basically it's UM it's Apple's versus Oranges, I like to call it. And
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basically like UM, like your first stage if for as for or infant is
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trust versus mistrusts, right, And so you go through these different stages like
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that. And as I'm writing this paper, I'm using next a theory as
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a foundation to write my paper, right, because you can really go anywhere
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with this paper throughout your your life, your lifespan. And so I'm using
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this theory as a foundation for my paper. And girl, y'all, I
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get to uh one of the stages, which is my early childhood stage,
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and I'm writing and I get triggered. When I say I get triggered,
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I get tried. Okay, So I'm going to be transparent with the people
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because I was transparent on the tick tide I got. And so I'm begin
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to write about because I really started with my parents. I was like,
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I really feel like I couldn't really start my story without saying, hey,
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the's how my parents men and all of stuff like that. And so I
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get to my early childhood stage. If off the top of my head,
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you know what, because I'm not what what the Saints ain't gonna do.
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It's checked me. Come on, it's check me and get my get my
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facts stray Okay. So um, yes, so the early childhood we know
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they're calling it something else. Hold on, let me, that's not what
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the boots say. That's not you know what. I got my iPad right
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here. Come on, hold on, hold on, y'all, Hold on,
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y'all gonna go to school with me. Y'all gonna go to school with
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me. But shout out to kimball U, not my sister, but for
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clarity, for clarity, because her name is k E and d A L.
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I'm talking about k I N D l E the reader, the reader
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hunting. When I tell you it work, you can. You can shameless
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pluck for them, almaz und The thing I don't. I'm not an avid
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reader like I'm really, I don't be like, oh my god, I
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just want to read this book. No, that's that's not me. Yea,
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yeah, that's not me yet, you know so um for when it
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makes it easy for me to find where I'm at, I can't highlight in
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it. Um the book for me? The books are cheaper, so yo
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yo, you're not a physical copy type person. You wouldn't necessarily need the
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physical Well, I like the physical copy, but you look, you learn
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when you ball on the budget. When you're balling on the budget. Um,
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let me see, I'm almost done pulling it up, y'all here it
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is, okay, So oh no, that's not him, all right?
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Yeah, so this ericson Okay, So I'm at the school age and I
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said it right. I thought about it right, but I wasn't gonna think
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I wasn't gonna get it right, all right. So at school at school
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age, right during my school age, which is um seven to twelve years
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old. So I'm in first grade when my parents decided to separate, right,
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and then by the time I'm in second grade they got a divorce,
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right. And so in this in this stage is initiative versus guilt. I'm
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just gonna read off the arms off the page. It says initiative means aptitude
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and self confidence to perform actions even with the understanding of risk and failure.
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Guilt results from abandonment or believing in action. Will will draw disapproval disapproval.
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Positive outcomes foster purpose and direction, while negative outcomes encourage him. In habitious,
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I don't even want to say some come say this word inhambition. I
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think that's how you say it was the inhibition. Yes, thank you,
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I get science in ambition. So that's actually preschool my bad. I read
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the wrong one. But I read the wrong one. But I saw where
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I was transitioning from. I'm transitioning from this stage to that stage, because
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that's for the six years. The next one is industry versus inferiority, which
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is the school age one. Its industry means to having a meaningful activity and
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the competency to perform a skill. Inferiority means feeling incapable of experiencing feel your
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inability to discover one's strength. This stage is crucial to school year. In
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school years, positive outcomes falters fosters competency competence, while negative outcome encouraged inferiority.
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So I was writing its paper, y'all. I know. I went,
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I went textbook and I didn't read no more. This this is why
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I don't read. Say it's at a little let's confident with it. So,
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um, I was writing its paper, and I remember between those two
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stages, right, And so the other one is initiative versus guilt, And
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the second one is industry versus inferiority. And so I'm feeling. I'm feeling
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everything I felt as a girl. I didn't even remember the impact my parents
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divorce had on me until I started writing this paper. Wow, all right,
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and so um with this with arson you said about what she said?
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Six seven, So I was seven years old. I think I was seven.
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I would definitely know what grade I was in. So I was in
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first grade when the problem started and they stand up separated, and then I
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was in second grade when the divorce was final. I can vividly remember me
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being in class having acting out and having moments or needing validation, more validation
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for my teacher than normal. In the fourth grade. I'll never forget Miss
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Gillham. She took I remember she took me out of the class one day
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and told me. She said, Jessica, do you know what you scored
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on your tests on La La La la? And I think it was like
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a standard out of test a wore. I was like no. She was
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like, you want you scored one of the highest in the glass. She's
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like you you act like you don't know, but you know, She's like,
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you're acting like you don't know. You like swam she fussed nick me.
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But she don't realize she validated me because I'm thinking I'm stupid right for
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one of them comparing my spent compared myself to my siblings because for one,
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they're like they're brilling. Like my brother, Oh my gosh, like just
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he could breathe, he could just probably look at something and just dissected,
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and he's just so brilliant. And then uh, and that's my I have
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two brothers, both of them are smart. But I'm referring to my brother
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Justin. He's older and he, when I tell you like creative, could
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draw. Um, just he was just so smart. And they weren't a
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gifted program. My sister also on the gifted program. I didn't, I
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didn't level are, I wasn't considered gifted, all right, And so that
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was another just ice on the cake. But then like my parents, he
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wasn't considered gifted according to this to the standard, right the standard ice stas
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want you to say, all right, it's just set that straight. Well
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we said it accord according to the lost, according to day by loss.
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All right, so um, fast forward. Um, I'm in this literally
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set up like this little girl like I'm I'm hurt right now to the point
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where I've emailed my teacher and I tell him I won't be turned to seeing
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all the time, not these papers you won't get it on side. Okay.
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So I found wasn't um that you needed more time or that you was
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just really trigger and it was hard to put the words on the paper at
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that point. I think it were both. I think it was a little
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bit of both, and I avoided it until the last meeting. I avoided
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it, like completely avoid it, and so I allowed fear of addressing or
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just going back to that place to just like Okay, So I told the
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my new counselor this, and y'all, I told my new counselor this,
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and I said I didn't I hadn't turned into paper. And she said,
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now this ain't gonna work. It's like you're gonna have to You're gonna have
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to find it in you to know. She said, you are gonna have
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to find some coping mechanisms and some healthy coping mechanisms. And one thing when
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she said that that hit me was that I don't really know. I didn't
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really know what made me feel good, Like I didn't know what we could
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bring me out of that place. And the Lord told me from that when
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I spoke when I'm having a self dialogue, is you don't know because you
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don't. You haven't sought out what makes you happy? Right. The reason
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why I was unable or unwilling to cope is because I didn't. I didn't
19:08
have the tools to cope, right, And so I started, you know,
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you know, this was a dialogue I had with me and the Lord.
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And I don't even know why I'm here, so I'm black. You
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know, maybe this is gonna free somebody to help somebody out. So,
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uh, Friday, this past Friday, I I asked God, I feel
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started feeling really anxious, and so I was like, God, I can't
19:36
be in this, you know, at this job, going off on folks
19:38
and just being anxious with these customers. So like, I really need to
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calm down. But you know, when my God, like we had this
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profetic music, but the prophetic music be taking you to the third heavens and
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stuff, and I said, God, I need something that's gonna mellow me
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out, but be good. It helped me work and I found be instrumental
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on Apple Music, and y'all, I you know, I know I love
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music, but I didn't really like this going being able to ask it how
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you said, not assist but as access y'all, my words are not wording
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today access. This made me realize how much music really personally impacts me,
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right, Like it's really it's really impactful. But these are like instrumentals,
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like I some people have to have words stuff like I'm good, Like I
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can. I can be anywhere and just listen to some music and it's good
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for me. Right. A memory just came up of me being in a
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park with my mom um and she would like to go to the jazz physicals.
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I got my appreciation for jazz for my mother. But my dad is
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also a guitar. He plays the bass guitar. So music is all in
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my family. Like they we they they really have appreciation for music. But
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um when I didn't really realize that until the Lord said, okay, go
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go search for meditation music on our music. So I did it and I
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found this playlist because I was like, I want to still be upbeat,
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y'all. I was so productive, so productive to the point where I finished
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like five assignments in like five hours. What girl, y'all? I was
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so productive, Like anxiety went from ten to maybe oh two because you got
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some some level of it, because I'm like, oh, I gotta get
21:41
this in because there was the last day of the class. I had to
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make sure I got everything. Please don't want the last y'all, man,
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I ain't gonna do it again. Just yes, yes, that's all I'm
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saying. And y'all, I got my grade. I actually made an A
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in the class and so I got my grade bad and he was like,
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thank you so much for sharing like that. The teacher thanked me, wow
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because like me being able to you know, get through that and press through.
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And he enjoyed the read right. And so I say all of that
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to say this. That was the reason why I got on TikTok to talk
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about, you know, cope methodism, because you're triggered because we have certain
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areas of our lives. Like I said, the schoolgirl, the school age
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child, the version of me experienced some dysfunction and to experience some hurt,
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experience paid and I took on what my parents were going through. And I've
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made it personal for me. And this is something I've realized about myself,
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like a real deal. Seek validation. And when I don't get it,
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I feel Listen, I don't feel accomplished. I don't you know what I'm
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saying. I seek validation. And yo yo, we can be I don't
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want to say cliche. We can say, oh yeah, you should want
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to seek the validation from the Lord. I am human. Yeah, it's
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facts. The fact of the matter is I want to be validated. I
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do. I think I feel like I feel think holly of myself. You
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know what I'm saying, wouldn't be doing this podcast, wouldn't be you know
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what I'm saying, Doing the things that I'm doing. I think I have
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a healthy aspect of me. However, I still want somebody else to say,
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oh, yeah, I agree with that. You know what I'm saying.
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You ain't crazy for thinking that. You don't you know what I'm saying,
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Like, I want somebody to say, oh, I like you.
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You know what I'm saying, Like, I ain't you know what I'm saying.
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I don't like I have to say it, but this is what I'm
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saying, you know. And so I had to go back to that place,
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right and we talk about triggers, and we talk about healing, and
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we just had this great, amazing episode with you know, breathe. But
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when we go back, when we're able to the Lord built this to me
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on TikTok when we're able to go back to the pain points, and when
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God encourages us to go back to those pain points, what we have to
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know what we're looking for. Sometimes we think we're looking for the pain.
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Always he's asking us to look for the pain. Sometimes he asks us to
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go back so we can see him because we have missed him in that situation,
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because if we would have solved him, we would have been able to
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put him the problem solver over the pain. Right. And so God is
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just like, I'm sorry, y'all. My coach is calling me. Um.
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God is like, when I take you back to that place, or
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when I say encourage you to go to the back to that place, I
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not asking you to go back to hurt you. And that's real. I'm
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asking you to go back to heal you. That's good. Just that,
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just that just made me think of UM. This season that I've been in,
25:33
UM, God has used something that's tough for me, which is UM
25:38
finances, UM to open up a door with me and my dad. Right,
25:45
I had to go to him and ask him for UM some money.
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And I said, no, I'm good, I don't I don't want to
25:52
do that. But in in in that in this situation, it opened up.
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I didn't realize I still had some things in my heart um towards him.
26:00
I didn't. I didn't know, and we had a conversation one time
26:06
and I just kind of shared with him some things I had that happened to
26:10
me when I was a teenager that I never really and I only really told
26:12
my mom in like twenty twenty, and so in that he was like,
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well, you know, you come to talk to me about anything, right,
26:18
You know you can come to me. And it's not it's for us
26:23
to say I love you. It's that's that's normal. When we get out
26:26
the phone, we'll say I love you and then we'll say peace, because
26:29
he don't like say bye. Right. So after this we're getting ready to
26:32
hang up, he said I love you, right, and I started to
26:34
cry. Right. I started to cry, and he said it again,
26:38
and then I just broke because it was just like in that moment, I
26:45
felt like it was almost kind of like he was that's the validation that I
26:48
would had been looking for this whole time. But it also in that moment
26:52
allowed me to free him from an expectation that he just doesn't have the capacity
26:56
to give like I had been really wanting that affirming kind of relationship with my
27:03
dad, like for him to like really speak into validate me as who I
27:07
am. And I feel like he really don't know me. But he is
27:11
like, if I need some if I need some advice, you know,
27:14
I need to work out some sound decisions. He's been a military he's been
27:18
around military life for like forty five years, so his mind is very analytical,
27:22
right, But he's just not going to be that oh you know,
27:26
um uh, He's just not that goody goody kind of person. Right.
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But the next day I had, I have a godfather. The next day
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I had, I was having a conversation with my godfather. He would he'd
27:37
always be like, hey, god baby, what you're working on? What
27:40
you you know? What color is your hand to day? Or you know
27:41
what we do when like, you know, because he knows I'm very creative.
27:45
So he's the one that's always encouraged me in my creativity. That's he's
27:49
the reason why I wouldn't to cost Tildy school. Yeah, he's the reason
27:52
why you know, every now and then I'll pick up a paint brush or
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I'll do X, Y and Z and in that moment, as I'm listening
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to him, God said, yeah, um, you may not have gotten
28:02
what you were expecting from your biological father, but I put a father in
28:07
your life to really help you, know, to to give you these things
28:10
that you that you're been looking for. And I didn't see it like that
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up until that moment. You know what I'm saying is so um you're right
28:17
on sometimes um man, yeah, so like you, we would we be
28:26
avoiding it and not knowing is what we need. Right, So watch this.
28:30
Let me tell you what the Lord has told me. In the middle
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of this conversation, right, TikTok pulled out a lot of books. Right,
28:37
we don't have to go might have to go to TikTok, different type
28:41
of a different type of community. Baby. So watch this, y'all.
28:45
This is so powerful. The Lord brought up the story of Moses, right,
28:51
and so for those that don't know the story of Moses, go to
28:53
Exos, right and you'll see the story of Moses. So quick, a
29:00
real quick rev right. So Moses moses parents, you know, concede them
29:04
whatever they was, killing all them babies. And the mother was like,
29:10
nah, you're even to kill my baby and you know, shifted them down
29:15
a real b and the Egyptians you know, took him in as as their
29:21
own. He was raised as an Egyptian, all that good stuff, but
29:23
he knew that, you know, he was not an Egyptian, he was
29:26
not. So long story short whatever. Through through all the trials and tribulations
29:32
that he went through as having to be a fake Egyptian, he ended up
29:36
you know, getting a heart or like a real soft heart for the slaves
29:38
who was the Israelites. And so he is up killing this man or killing
29:44
one of the Egyptian workers, and one of the slaves called them out on
29:49
it. So he ran. He fleed right and so gears on down the
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line Moses at this burning bush, and God addresses him and he says,
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hey, I you go back. I need to go back, and haunted
30:03
it. I need you to go back, and you know, tell Pharaoh
30:06
to letting my people go. You know what I'm saying. And because God,
30:08
God was God and in that point and so Moses, you know,
30:14
it was very hesitant if you read the story, and as so most of
30:22
the eventually goes back. He went back, and if you know the story,
30:27
um, he was able to through process a lot of processes. He
30:32
went through a lot of processes because Pharaoh was tripping, Faye was tripping.
30:36
Okay, he went through a lot of processes and Israelites are free end up
30:41
going, you know, through the wilderness and now stuff like that. But
30:42
that's the way we're gonna stop the story. So the lawyer gave me the
30:47
revelation that he what's at your pain point? It's connected to your purpose,
30:57
right, And and he said that going back to Egil scared Moses because of
31:11
the pain he experienced there. I fled away for a reason. Lord,
31:18
why would you send me back to a place that they're trying They want to
31:21
kill me that watch this, this point of pain is going to kill me.
31:26
That's basically what he said. And so God is going back and forth
31:30
with him and said, I got greater, something much greater than your pain.
31:36
That's there. I got me. And so the Moses, why he
31:41
tried to get the most to understand is the servant or the person that you
31:45
were was without me. You couldn't see me there, right, And so
31:53
he sent them back to a place to build his confidence. Well, that
32:00
place end up building his confidence which watched this him going back to a pain
32:05
point resulted in the deliverance of a whole nation, whole nation. And so
32:14
when we don't go back to our pain point, this must be what we're
32:16
supposed to talk about. When we don't go back to our pain points,
32:22
we hinder the next for somebody else. We literally hinder the next for somebody
32:35
else. And so me being fearful of going back to the place of my
32:38
parents being divorced, and I'm called to or I'm called to families, but
32:45
I'm scared to go back to a place where my family was broken. Come
32:49
on, somebody like now I can speak on that. Now I can say,
32:52
you know, not only speak for him from a book sense, but
32:55
a spiritual sense, but also a tangible sense. It makes me more relatable,
33:00
you know what I'm saying. It puts some some respect on my name,
33:05
you know what I'm saying. And so, you know what's crazy,
33:07
Just the things that we go through are never really for us in that time
33:15
either, you know what I'm saying. But you've had you had to have
33:17
that experience, and now to be able to speak to that little girl and
33:22
somebody else who's the same experience, Yeah, because people and I'm not a
33:29
parent yet. I'm not a parent yet, but I can only imagine um
33:36
positioning my children in a space like yo, a spirit our shore in a
33:44
second um where they felt like felt guilt from a decision that we made.
33:52
I think that's why it's even but scripture about being evenly or equally yoked because
34:00
and I'm not let me make this very clear. I'm gonna make this very
34:02
clear. I have great parents, also amazing parents. I love my parents,
34:08
and I'm in no way, shape or form of fashion blaming them for
34:15
what happened. I'm I'm just recanting a situation. Um. So I'm gonna
34:21
make that very clear. I don't know why I've just got booked, right
34:23
little bit. But you don't have to apologize for your experience. Yeah,
34:29
I don't. I'm not apologizing. I just don't. I'm not also using
34:34
blame language, you know what I'm saying, because sometimes sometimes we can say,
34:37
oh these days fault. They would have never got the voice know what
34:39
they went through. Yeah they went through. It affected me, but it
34:44
was my responsibility as an adult to deal with those moments and to heal from
34:49
them. So we can so we can move forward. Right and so um,
34:55
the pain points that we don't address and go back to, and God
34:58
saying hey, look for me there allows the pain to have the power instead
35:02
of us. So really, when when Moses went back to and this is
35:08
why this is so interested, this is why God wanted Moses to go back,
35:13
and he only sent Aaron for help because Moses pleaded with him. I
35:17
mean, Moses pleaded with God like he just wasn't gonna do it. Right,
35:22
if you pay attention to it the scriptures that I've read, Moses still
35:28
spoke. You're talking about having a stuttering problem, and you didn't want to
35:31
sell, but you still had to speak. And so now you had to
35:35
put speak to the pain, speak to the pain point. And then as
35:40
you're speaking to the pain point, you're speaking to Pharaoh. You're gaining confidence
35:46
not in yourself, but in what God is doing. Because watch this.
35:49
He revealed this to me. Moses didn't have the tools, the same tools
35:59
that he had before before he ran from Egypt. What do I mean by
36:04
that? The staff that he used, He didn't have that staff when he
36:08
fled. That staff was used when he in his um in its away place,
36:17
in a place where he fled to right, which end up being a
36:22
building place or the place of development. Right, So now I'm gonna need
36:25
you to use now that you develop. I need for you to go back
36:29
to this place and and act like you know who you are because you're not
36:32
the same person. You're not the same person. Sometimes we shot up or
36:38
we we we buught up or whatever on going back to these scary places because
36:47
they aren't scary, right, because all we can remember is or this made
36:51
me feel like this, I almost died here almost, y'all. I'm gonna
36:54
be so transparent. I after that happened, y'all, I had suicidal thoughts,
37:01
Like you know, that's when depression entered, if I'm really thinking about
37:07
it, right, Like, that's when all this entered. And I'm like,
37:09
God, you really want me to go back to a place where I
37:14
thought about del Now, I fam you you you got you gotta be straight
37:19
tripping. But he didn't do that for me to go die. He did
37:23
that so I could live, and not only live, but live on purpose
37:29
and in purpose for purpose. Right. And so the story of Moses is
37:37
on a whole nother level for me now because when you think about it,
37:43
and not a just a place of Oh, he had to go deliver people.
37:46
No, he had to go who watched it? He had to go
37:50
deliver himself first. Wow, girl, he had y'all. He had to
37:55
go deliver himself. First. He had to be delivered from a lack of
38:00
confidence. He had to be delivered from from his fears. He had to
38:06
be delivered from that pain. And before before he could deliver anybody else,
38:10
God says, I am going to make you the person that goes back to
38:14
Pharaoh and say hey, you're gonna do this, and it's gonna it's gonna
38:19
y'all. At many times, I can imagine that Moses felt like he was
38:22
out of his mind, out of his mind for listening to God, going
38:25
back to a place to where they wanted to kill him. And it's so
38:31
beautiful to not only did God say, Okay, I'm gonna make you address
38:35
the pain. Then I'm gonna see you. I'm gonna allow you to see
38:38
the reward of the pain for gets what I'm gonna do one better. I'm
38:43
gonna kill the pain. The pain's gonna have to die. When they approached
38:46
when they crossed the Red Sea, when they finally crossed over to get a
38:51
start their journey on to the Promised Land. It says in the scripture that
38:58
the waters literally rushed over Pharaohs from Pharaoh's men like they died that day they
39:06
died. So not only am I gonna give you, get you to go
39:12
to your pain, but you're gonna have the reward of it to where you
39:15
don't even have to look at it anymore. That's that's it's not crazy,
39:23
that's God. Wow, that that's God, says, that's God, y'all,
39:30
that he cares about you so much. So he's like, I'm not
39:31
gonna then, thank you all the spirit. This shall be a complete work.
39:38
This, it would be complete, and it's it's nothing to go back
39:43
to watch this. It's nothing to go back to because once I once I
39:46
closed the Red Sea, once I closed it, it was done. You
39:51
don't hear them going back there in my line. Somebody, somebody fact checked
39:55
me. I know, I'm still reading the Bible and stuff like that,
39:58
but somebody fact checked me on the He literally close close access to that place,
40:07
y'all. He literally closed access to the place, and some of us
40:17
we go back to the pain point for the validation. We go back to
40:23
the pain point for the validation. Um, I was in this I don't
40:30
say life coaching, but healing coaching thing or whatever. And one of the
40:34
things he brought up to me and one of my sessions was that, um,
40:40
we try we allow ourselves to go back to certain places or we deal
40:45
with certain people or certain things to remind ourselves of why we're right about about
40:52
the things that we don't like about ourselves. So we got to prove ourselves
40:58
right about our wrongs time. We pick people, positions, places, and
41:08
things based on what we feel about ourselves. So if I feel like or
41:15
do and we perform. So for and for instance, I've battled with the
41:19
imposter syndrome, right, And so my thing of not completing things is because
41:27
I'm proving myself about being impostile. So it's not because I can't complete it,
41:32
but it's like some subconsciously I just I need that validation that I don't
41:37
deserve to complete this. So I'm an impost That's who I identify with,
41:43
That's who I identify a right, right. And so sometimes we go back
41:50
to the pain, or we keep the pain, or we we go we
41:53
send ourselves back to the pain to view the pain, to validate. Oh,
41:58
this is why I don't I don't deal with women. This is why
42:01
i'll the current behaviors. Yeah, and it's like how many how many times
42:07
are you gonna use the excuses? How long are you gonna use an excuse?
42:17
I'm just I'm I'm waiting for answers? How long? How long?
42:22
And it's not just for this is not just for y'all, this is for
42:25
me too, Like how long will we use the excuse? So my encouragement
42:30
has been well, is go back to the pain point because obviously not only
42:38
progression, but prosperity the promise, Like, we can't complete the thing until
42:45
we get over the fear, overcoming fear, right until we gain, as
42:51
my boy g Rolly said, the courage, the courage, the courage,
42:57
because courage is overcoming the fear. Ye's doing it a phrase, it's doing
43:01
it afraid. Yeah. And so we gotta believe, we gotta be in
43:05
a place where we're so confident in God or so settled in God that we
43:20
trust him to meet us at the points, those uncomfortable, uncomfortable points.
43:29
And a lot of times I think sometimes we can also think that he's asking
43:32
us to do it alone, and that comes from a prival place because a
43:39
lot of us don't know how to ask for help. My hand raised my
43:47
hand. No, that's real. I had to call. I called after
43:52
I tried. So you know the pitch I sent you with the dog off
43:53
the hinges, that it was real. That was my bedroom dough. It
43:57
was off the hinges. So I attempted to attempt to try to put it
44:00
back on myself. It didn't worked because I don't know what I'm doing.
44:05
First off, So then my um, the little exhaust fans and all through
44:08
the bathrooms are out what they need to be replaced. So what I do?
44:12
I went to YouTube because I was going to replace it, but the
44:15
Lord was like, so what we're doing? I said, you're right,
44:17
he dropped somebody in my spirit. I text him and came right on over
44:21
and I'm waiting on the it's also has to come so they can just put
44:23
them in for me. And I said, hey, so what's the you
44:25
know what you're gonna charge me? And he looked at me like, you
44:29
know you, my little sister, you'd be good. I said, okay,
44:32
But my fear and my fear in asking for help is that I've had
44:37
people to say that was help before him didn't. So the little so my
44:42
little girl deals with disappointment and that rejection kind of thing. So so in
44:46
those moments and in this season, that's been happening. But I'm noticing that
44:52
my response is different now. It's not I don't that rejection is not coming
44:54
up. It's just like, okay, lord. So obviously they weren't one
45:00
the ones. So what we're doing and when I just keep it moving,
45:04
but it's, um, it's been interesting, um, just to allow him
45:13
to lead in the in those spaces because he's there. Even in those it
45:19
was that was fear there. Like the fear was if I asked him,
45:22
he gonna either say no, he's gonna say yes. Even if he said
45:24
yes, he could not not do it right. But I just asked.
45:29
He came through. And that's the thing, like we don't we don't even
45:32
think just to ask. I'm getting real comfort on this couch. It is,
45:37
um, we don't even ask because we're scared. We're scared that we're
45:44
not We're like I know, I would say I'm sorry, but bothering you
45:49
or even let's okay, let's call us fat to say let's go see we're
45:52
talking about hill. So Um, even when you said you want de partment
45:58
with me, y'all, that was a struggle. I ain't gonna lie to
46:05
you what the struggle was, Um that I didn't want you to feel like
46:12
I was using you, because I'd have been used. Um. I don't
46:19
mind helping people one for one. My thing is, it's not the fear
46:23
of somebody not helping me. It's the fear of somebody throwing it back up
46:28
in my face. Oh, one thing I cannot stand. Oh my gosh.
46:34
And I don't know if I got an amen corn on this or not.
46:37
Don't help me and throw it back in my face. Don't do that
46:42
because I I this this area of what I need to be ed, y'all.
46:45
So don't don't think I'm I'm sweet. I don't know that. Don't
46:54
tell me or help me and bring it back in my face if even if
47:00
it's an argument, Oh, I'm holding it. Oh that's that's that's.
47:06
Oh, I'm in one way and if you bring it up, all paying
47:08
you back. I don't figure out a way. And that's that's my private
47:13
point. Like that is a private point for me, Like allowing people to
47:16
help me, like I have to really real deal, like be okay,
47:23
and God has to be like I sent them. Yeah, he had to
47:29
confirm it. If he had to confirm it then because it was a struggle
47:31
for me, you know it, How did it? What was your outlook
47:35
on it? Um? So I know I heard the Holy Spirit say I've
47:43
always been a servant and I'm comfortable in the background. Right, But when
47:47
he told me, when he said help the helper, what does that look
47:51
like? Right? So when you're all when you're used to serving and giving,
47:53
who helps who serves the server or the helper or the giver? You
47:58
know what I'm saying. And so in this space, Um, for some
48:01
reason, he's really I believe he's really paying attention to UM the voices because
48:07
I think he there's a there's a group of believers who have been UM muzzled
48:14
or who aren't as confident in there in the voice that he's giving them,
48:16
and some and and sometimes they just need a little help, you know,
48:21
to push that thing on out right, And so UM, where I don't
48:24
he hasn't really given me, UM that platform for myself for me to be
48:30
on this side of the camera, like just as you are. But he
48:34
has given me um, I got some skills, I got a little knowledge,
48:39
and I got a little something to help somebody push it on out.
48:43
And in that it's helping build me up to you know what I'm saying,
48:45
build me up as a leader, because Jessica got me, got this,
48:49
got this microphone, she got me with this microphone on. Because I'm I'm
48:54
helping me like I'm the one that's does that make sense, Like I'm helping
49:00
who I'm supposed to be helping, which is me, the person that's been
49:04
muzzled and who hasn't been comfortable with the voice. But the reality is he's
49:08
all given us something. He's all given us a story, something that's going
49:13
to help somebody. We're all called to somebody, but they can't find us
49:15
if we're not showing up. So how we're gonna do that? Sometimes it's
49:21
perceiving that help. And so I'm just very I just pay attention now when
49:25
he dropped somebody in my spirit and why, you know, sometimes I don't
49:30
understand the full magnitude of it in that moment, but it's just I'm just
49:32
learning to be obedient. So and it's so funny, I always start Holy
49:37
Spirit, I always give me just it'd be random. I'm random anyway,
49:39
which is kind of just helps that people don't really pay no attention to me
49:43
like that. So when I just started asking random questions, people be like,
49:45
oh, okay, no, no, but no, it really sometimes
49:47
it really be the Holy Spirit that just be kind of it's like he investigating.
49:52
He'll get people to come around and be thinking about things. And so
49:54
when I started asking questions, I was asking them because he was giving meet
50:00
the questions to ask just to kind of test your temperature. Yeah, so
50:06
you treat me because it wasn't really treat I think that was very strategic because
50:14
you know, so it was almost like, Okay, how do I help
50:16
the helper? I asked for help. That's how That's what you really did,
50:22
Like you said, how can I help the helper? I asked for
50:24
help? And so, y'all she really surveyed me on like, because I
50:30
was already doing my podcast. I was already in the middle of the six
50:34
you know, y'all know season two was I was already like four episodes in,
50:38
and she was like, oh, well, that's I want to provide
50:43
this service and blah blah blah, and this is how much I was charged.
50:46
You know, in the back of my mind, I knew God was
50:49
doing something to me too, because in the back of my mind's like,
50:51
God, I want to support her. I know her, she knows me.
50:53
She did so well on my photos y'all, like my photo shoot was
50:58
bombed, my rebranding shoot was bombed. It was like, she just gets
51:00
me, like and I was like, in my mind, I was like,
51:05
how can I afford her? You know, I was already preparing in
51:07
my mind, how can I afford her? You know, I'm doing this,
51:12
I'm doing that or whatever. And I hadn't literally asked God, Um,
51:16
I'm say, hey, if you want this podcast to keep going,
51:20
I need help. First you have to really admit the need for the help.
51:27
And literally I promise you. Like it was not long. It was
51:31
not long at all. I think it was within weeks where you called me
51:35
and you was like, well, he was like, hey, can we
51:37
set up some time to go over how you do your podcast? And someone
51:40
that I was like, no problem, like you my girl, Like you
51:45
know I charge people for the other come on, I charged people, okay,
51:50
but you my girl. So we're gonna, we're gonna get it.
51:52
And I'm giving her porners. I'm getting her. Pointer is not knowing this.
51:55
This woman of God is strategiz like see O Hills strategizing. But if
52:07
if I had never opened myself up to serve her, I think it's that's
52:14
a beautiful way to do as well. I was willing to serve her,
52:17
not knowing that she was trying to serve me and so um. But going
52:22
back to the place of me being fearful, it's like, I didn't I
52:25
don't want anything to jeopardize this relationship. So I even my sister, even
52:36
my sister, UM, I told her, you know, I would pay
52:38
her to do my hair. Oh man, I'm being very kind of like
52:42
transparent, UM shout out together. Chimpl's drag Um. But I told her.
52:47
I was like, no, I can pay to do my hair.
52:51
She was like, no, you're not. Nope, nope, you do
52:57
this, this, this, this, this, Nope. And I was
53:00
like, but so, how does it feel to um receive uncomfortable sometimes even
53:09
though you know it's coming from a genuine space. I think That's what I'm
53:15
trying to figure out though, Like the discernment and that's what I think.
53:20
That's what I need to focus more on, like being able to properly discern
53:30
discern the reception. But even God just told me, if I make your
53:36
enemies your footstool, no matter what they how they think they're giving it to
53:42
you, or what they're gonna have on you, it's still gonna be for
53:45
your good and it's still gonna benefit the Kingdom because it's place in your hand
53:50
now. So now I can't be concerned with Now we know what's real.
53:57
We know there's another spiritual atmosphere out there, So I don't think he would
54:04
tell me to take something that you know had I it's voodoo and all this
54:10
stuff like that. I don't think he's telling me that. But however,
54:15
what's placed in my hand is now of righteousness, right, And that's how
54:20
I have to think about it like that. It's like, Okay, they
54:22
sold the scene to the Kingdom, because I'm Kingdom. I have a Frank
54:28
Spencer Spencer Wood. Everything I've done, he's been supportive of it, you
54:36
feel me, he's been supportive of it. And he told me one time.
54:39
I said, I told him, I said, Spencer, you didn't
54:43
donate enough money. You didn't you didn't done too much? Like I don't
54:46
want no. I have to tell him no, And he said, no,
54:51
you don't get to tell me no. Reason being is because this is
54:54
my investment to the kingdom. You do kingdom work. I'm an ENTI all
55:00
I do is get the focus on this this. I'm on the road.
55:01
I don't have time to do this. So guess what minister needs money been
55:07
as you need to you our kingdom. So I am going to anytime I
55:12
feel the leading of the Holy Spirit, any time of Lord, pleasure on
55:15
my heart, Daddy, And I'm like, but that's so good. I
55:20
had to One of the transitions I had to make on this journey was,
55:25
um, you know, I'm a licensed cosmetologist and in my mind and honestly,
55:30
I didn't even want to do here for a living, right, it
55:31
just kind of just float on into it. And I just just so I've
55:35
been doing here since I was twelve. You know. We had this conversation,
55:37
but um, I had to come. I had to understand that it's
55:42
it was. I was feeling like, I was like, dang, Lord,
55:44
it's gotta be more than just this. Then I started to really grow
55:47
spiritually, and I had in one of the transitions was me coming too alignment
55:52
and accepting that anything that I do at this point is kingdom. Whether I
55:57
decide whether I'm standing behind my salon chair, because that that can get heavy
56:00
sometimes, whether I'm behind this camera shooting podcasts or whether I'm doing a photography
56:06
session, it's kingdom. It's it's still ministry. So whether it's and it's
56:09
and it looks different depending on the person. So me sowing into the kingdom
56:14
could be me literally financially giving into a ministry, right, but it also
56:20
means it could be giving me giving enough my time, talent and my treasures.
56:23
And I am open to hearing Holy Spirit when he tells me to sew
56:28
into people in certain different ways. You know what I'm saying, because whether
56:31
it's a spoken word, whether it's a deed, or whether it's a financial
56:36
seat, they're all seeds. And I'm just more intentional in this season trying
56:39
to sow good seeds because they got to grow. The Lord told got to
56:45
grow. Listen, the Lord told me reminded me what grids it when he
56:53
was here, and I needed it because sometimes you can feel like you're a
56:58
space where like, Okay, I I'm not sensing or I feel like I'm
57:00
not there or I'm not giving giving you what I need. And he says,
57:06
your seeds are worship from then are interceding for you now, your seeds
57:14
of prayers. Then it's interceding for you now. And so not that doesn't
57:21
given me the excuse to not do those things now, but it does give
57:28
me the grace for when I don't do it. And so now that I
57:37
understand grace, I can receive properly. Yeah, that I don't. I
57:50
don't know what to say about that. What was the topic? What was
57:53
you gonna talk about today? Um? He'll asking for her and come on,
58:04
Holy Spirit. Yeah, because Lord was dealing with means like, hey,
58:07
um, we need to talk about because as entrepreneurs, as entrepreneurs,
58:13
and when you start in your entrepreneur journey, right, you can think that
58:19
you're supposed to do it by yourself and people are like, oh, you
58:22
gotta invest in this, and you gotta put money here, and you gotta
58:24
Yeah, there's gonna be some things that cost you. But as a kingdom
58:28
entrepreneurs, the rules, the rules aren't the SAME's not the same to me,
58:32
they're not the same. Think about coach Um testimony when she said that
58:38
she got her first her first building, and she asked for the first three
58:44
months for free and put to put back, put it on the back of
58:46
that. She negotiated so she could get She negotiated enough time to do what
58:52
she needed to do. That's king, that's kingo entrepreneurs shield. And so
58:58
the things that we think that we're gonna have to invest in financially, the
59:02
grace and already beat us there. Grace has already beat us to the point
59:08
where we feel like we need something. It's people out here. Um,
59:13
I've recently had friends say, hey, um, how can I assist you?
59:16
I was like, what you mean, how can you assist me?
59:20
Well? Can I? Can I make a flyer for you? Can I
59:22
do this? Can I? It's like, but I had to be doing
59:24
something. They had to see something worth investing in right at the position myself,
59:31
right to a point where a point where people can see that they was
59:38
on fertile ground. Even still further, just um, the plane is already
59:45
laid out, so it literally takes you making the steps so that the people
59:50
that are already in place, the people are already in place. But we
59:53
have to continue to make the faith step, make the courageous steps even in
59:58
the fear to do the thing, even if we don't understand. Because He's
1:00:00
already got the people in place, He's already other people place. You were
1:00:04
in place. I did not start a modifiodcast until after I met you,
1:00:09
so I already knew you, even to the point of rebranding. I had
1:00:14
all this stuff set up before I met you, and he was like,
1:00:17
this is the this is the beautifu thingful thing about Kingdom UM and being around
1:00:22
other entrepreneurs or creatives or anything like that. We ignite each other in different
1:00:29
ways, and we give people um access to different things because what God hasn't
1:00:37
embedded in us. And so when we think about what I think about me
1:00:44
to be already be in positioned to be hill, then I can't get mad
1:00:50
about receiving the hill because I watched this opposition myself for the assistant, for
1:00:55
the assistance. I position myself for the assistance, y'all. I don't know,
1:01:07
I don't know, I don't know. I don't know what to say
1:01:09
after that. I think, I mean, I mean, I'm just grateful
1:01:16
you said yeah, because the truth, the truth, the truth of the
1:01:22
matter is like what I know to be true is that, um, you
1:01:28
got so much power on the inside, right, and sometimes you just need
1:01:34
a little push somebody that's to walk alongside you, just to give you a
1:01:37
little gentle reminder, to give you a little validation if you need it,
1:01:43
just a little validation if he is validating, because it's the truth. Like
1:01:47
I'd be like, Jessica, what do you mean? Okay? All right,
1:01:53
lord, so how are we gonna do this? Okay, I can
1:01:55
walk. I'm gonna walk alongside it. That's cool. We're gonna I'm gonna
1:01:59
hold her little hand, she be my little system. We just we're gonna
1:02:01
walk this through. And we and we kind of and we balance each other
1:02:05
very well, you know what I'm saying. Like I'm very I'm a little
1:02:07
more um, probably more passive, a little more passive, you know,
1:02:10
a little more you know, tenant shy, but also um, there are
1:02:15
some areas that I'm not um, I could. I'm working on excellency and
1:02:21
so being even when I was I was on the phone with you, we
1:02:24
just at work, and just how you talk to your customers and how you
1:02:28
handle your team. I'm like, man, that's a whole boss that I
1:02:30
hate the streets for real. But it's done with such grace, such grace
1:02:34
and love. Even though you may think sometimes that it's not, it really
1:02:37
is. Like that was that's actually one On the next segment, I tell
1:02:42
you what do you think your leadership style? Even um, but I God
1:02:47
is very intentional. He's very he's very very intentional. He's very intentional.
1:02:53
Like And the crazy thing is I met I found a book. I met
1:02:58
coach d in twenty eight team at a hair thing. And today as I
1:03:02
was cleaning out my uh my office closet, I found a lot of books,
1:03:06
but I found the book that I bought from her that day and it
1:03:10
and then she wrote on the inside of it. And so that was the
1:03:14
very first time that I met her in twenty eighteen and had no clue that
1:03:19
our path and our journey would be what it is now. And then because
1:03:22
of her, I've been able to met you and connect with some other good
1:03:23
some other people I like, we don't know. We just got to keep
1:03:27
journeying alone. Man, That's the that's the model of the day. Keep
1:03:30
journeying, keep journeying, keep journey journey. You know what I give?
1:03:36
I really do I y'all this has been good. What the episodes this nine?
1:03:43
Yeah, because we're taking a breakout of this. We're not at the
1:03:51
nine. We got one more one more, so y'all got to come back
1:03:53
one more time. Uh, if you if you did your first episode,
1:03:58
go ahead. It's plenty of scene sason to listen to that whole you we're
1:04:02
on YouTube, we lose on spotifad, we're on the A high radio.
1:04:06
You the ones that I hope you guys are doing this. Hey, tell
1:04:15
us about topics that you know you want to talk about, Like, um,
1:04:19
season three is coming up, and so we're dropping that one in what
1:04:25
September? Yeah, we're gonna drop that one in September. We have the
1:04:28
whole season three. How you feel about that? Like you've been in this
1:04:30
podcasting game the whole two seasons, Like like you you up, you're almost
1:04:38
such your thought now you're in the water, the water almost such a thigh.
1:04:43
How you feel about that? Season three? Um? I think season
1:04:46
three is gonna be transformational for everybody involved. I think season three is gonna
1:04:57
put us on the man out on a whole different way because of the obedience.
1:05:02
Yeah, because I didn't know I was gonna be doing a season three.
1:05:08
I was gonna keep it a season two. But that's when help comes,
1:05:10
Okay. But I had alreadyt I said, I already said, hey,
1:05:14
jes so when we're starting to um, you know, starting to plan
1:05:16
and these you know who were getting in the season three, like, what's
1:05:19
what's up? She she did, she did. She didn't mention this little
1:05:23
break that we're trying to do. I said, all right, we can.
1:05:25
I need a break. We can break. It's a lot going on
1:05:28
right now. We can just need a break. Give up. We'll give
1:05:30
you, give up a break, but we're gonna be back at it,
1:05:33
y'all. So y'all tell y'all be here. I'm glad to be here.
1:05:36
Glad y'all just open me, welcome me with open arms. This is awesome.
1:05:42
Yeah, y'all tell us who you want to see. I gotta people,
1:05:44
I got a few people already, got a lockdown, you know,
1:05:45
just a lockdown. But y'all need to tell us, well, y'all can
1:05:48
tell us. You know what I'm saying, it's it's our community, it
1:05:51
is I'm just the one is behind the camera, like we really want to
1:05:56
know, like the things that you guys struggle with. You know, what's
1:05:59
on your heart, what's on your mind, Like what y'all want to talk
1:06:01
about, because we want to talk about it too. This is a place
1:06:03
I needed saying. Okay, Deacon prays, get real because if I don't
1:06:08
know about something or the Holy Spirit, don't downloe in me. We got
1:06:11
guests on top of guest what I'm saying. If your friends think they want
1:06:15
to podcast or whatever, I'm listening. We we're here, like, let's
1:06:18
help each other, help each other. Miss it's a lady name, Miss
1:06:23
Joyce, and it's the best thing. I'm gonna end it like this,
1:06:27
she said, help me, help you, help me, help you.
1:06:33
And it's done. I'm done. Thank you, Miss Joyce. Thank you
1:06:35
for the quote. All Right, you guys, I love you. We
1:06:40
love you until next week. Life could be more simple when you just ask
1:06:45
to the Hey, y'all, thank you for listening to just ask. If
1:06:54
you enjoyed this experience, be sure to like coming and rate so others can
1:06:59
find the show. If you'd like to stay connected with me, feel free
1:07:02
to follow me at the Jessica and Smith on all platforms again. I'm your
1:07:08
girl, jess Until next time.