Latest / Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive / April 8, 2018 | This Is Us - The ABC’s Of Good Parenting

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April 8, 2018 | This Is Us - The ABC’s Of Good Parenting · Topeka Bible Church Audio Archive

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Good morning.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_00: If you're visiting today, this is our first uh we're just breaking out a new sermon series.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Last weekend was Easter, Good Friday.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Amazing, fantastic.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Before that, if you're visiting, we finished a series on Ezekiel.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: So obviously you missed uh the desert, and you've come to the oasis.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna do a uh sermon series on marriage and parenting.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: And um this happens to be the number one felt need when we ask people, the felt need of people in the church for a series.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: So we're gonna do it in April and May, eight weeks.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: And um for those of you who say, uh, like somebody said to me this morning, I'm out of a job, I'm out of a parenting job.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Well, fact of the matter is, um, if you're a grandparent, and um then you need this more than ever because the principles I'm gonna give you this morning are really principles that you need not to break when you're helping your kids uh with their parenting.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uh we're gonna talk about marriage and we're gonna talk about parenting.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna do parenting this morning, ABCs of good parenting.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna be uh Melody and I were not pros at this, but we had experience like you do.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_00: You've all been kids.
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Many of you have been parents.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: And uh I grew up in a big family out on the West Coast.
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: Then Melody and I had four kids.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: We now have, as of a couple weeks ago, we now have our ninth grandchild.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so we're still discovering how to do this, but uh, we're gonna check into the Bible and see what God has to say about this.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Um and I am gonna use help.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna use some experts.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna use uh in this series, I'm gonna use Derek Rowe, who's our student ministry pastor and who's written a book uh helping parents and their teens do devotions, devotions together, and so he's gonna talk.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna use Joe D'Alfonso, our young adults pastor.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: Uh he's uh he's really good at putting marriages together in his previous church in Phoenix.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: He had a ministry putting marriages back together, so he'll help us with that.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, and and I'm bringing Paul Pettit up from Dallas Seminary.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: He's written three, four, five books on parenting, and so he's gonna help us on one of my Sundays in May.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyway, uh ABCs this morning of good parenting.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: So let me start off with what you may not know: the six certainties of parenting, which you should know, especially if you're just getting started.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: First certainty is the later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.
• 2:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's one of the great certainties of parenting.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, second certainty of parenting, for a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: Third, the longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's true.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth, the surest way to get something done, you know the finish of this one.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Surest way to get something done is to forbade your child from doing it.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Uh the gooeier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And my favorite, backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So um six certainties of parenting.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that's all I have to say.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for coming.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 3:31
  SPEAKER_00: Um so uh uh we're gonna go to the book of Proverbs, the book of the Bible that's most about marriage, most about parenting, was required of all young people back in Israel's day.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: They had to know this book, book of Proverbs, book of wisdom.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And as I've ransacked this book over the years many, many times, looking up and studying each of the verses, and there are a number of them on parenting.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: I've come up with the three fundamentals, the through three basics, the three ABCs in the book of Proverbs about good parenting.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: And the A in the book of Proverbs, this word is more of a modern word, but it is clearly taught in Proverbs.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_00: It is A stands for say it with me.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Authenticity.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: Authenticity to be authentic is to be, four-letter word starts with R, ends with L.
• 4:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's to be real.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: It's to be it's to be real rather than fake.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: It is to be genuine rather than artificial.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: It has to do with truth rather than lies.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: It has to do with integrity rather than hypocrisy.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's authenticity.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's not easy to be authentic today.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: We live in a world where authenticity is oftentimes recognized in its lack.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: For example, we know that we have so many examples of talking heads on television and university and so forth lecturing us, telling us to do one thing with their lip, but then we find out that their lives are completely different.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, Hollywood will have mega movies on how to treat women, for example, how you have to do this, so then we find out the very people making the movies are breaking those rules, okay?
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or that we need to report things immediately, but we report things to a certain university, and for decades they do nothing about it, allowing uh young girls to get hurt.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: So we we find that again and again and again, we realize we live in a culture of fakery, hypocrisy, fake news.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_00: And so children grow up not requiring, I think children don't require perfect parents, but they would like to have real parents, authentic parents.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: And the book of Proverbs represents this idea in a number of verses.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: Let me walk you through three, four of them.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: The righteous who walks in his integrity, the Hebrew word Tom, T-A-M means wholeness, life, lip, inside, outside, public, private.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's integrity.
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: And then notice the trickle down, blessed are his children after him, tying in integrity or authenticity to the blessedness of the blessing upon children, the happiness of children, Proverbs 20, verse 7.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Or notice, for instance, uh this verse, don't know how well you can see it, it's kind of dark up there.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Proverbs 4, 10 and 11, my child, listen to me, says dad and mom, and do as I say.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is the most common statement by a parent, do what I say, and you'll have a long good life.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: It'll teach you wisdom, I'll teach you wisdom's ways, and I will, and all of a sudden he moves to doing what I do.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: I will lead you in straight paths.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: Notice the integrity issue here, the authenticity.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: It's not just what I say, it's what I do.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Not just my lip, it's my life.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And um, I can't help thinking of this.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, one of the royals, uh, his name is Alex Gordon, golden glove outfielder, he's a great guy, and he and his wife, Janie, they're from Nebraska.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: They have a couple little boys, and uh they're now uh seven and three.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: And uh but anyway, close to the end of last year, uh when uh three-year-old Sam, it's Max and Sam, and Sam was two and he was about to turn three.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Anyway, so Alex does what he does best, what everybody knows him for.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: They were playing the Reds, and at the end of the fifth inning, he ran face first into the fence, full tilt, made this leaping catch, crashed to the ground, laid there for several seconds.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Just one of these golden glove catches.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: It was amazing.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: So they're they're interviewing him.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I wrote this down.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: They're interviewing him on TV afterwards.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, and he's and and they said something to him about his family, and he said, Yeah, I know.
• 7:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna see this again tomorrow.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: He said, What?
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_00: He said, Well, my son, my youngest son, Sam, imitates my catches at home.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: And he he says, Here goes Alex Gordon, and and he starts and he runs full tilt against the wall and hits the wall with his face, and then he falls right down on the carpet, and then he lays there for 10 seconds.
• 8:18
  SPEAKER_00: And he said, It's really pretty funny of him trying to act just like daddy.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: So he says, I'm expecting, I'm gonna see this tomorrow morning at home.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: So, uh, and but I couldn't help thinking, you know, probably mom is over there going, please no, please no, please no.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: But, you know, your kids will sometimes do what you say, they will always do what you do.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Okay.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: Uh, another verse about uh authenticity is a little surprising to us.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps first part, every grandparent knows this is true.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Grandchildren are the crowning glory of the age.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, life starts over when you have grandchild, so great they're our glory.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna show you their pictures, even if you don't want to see them, there, because they're our crowning glory.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: But nobody ever notices the second line in this verse.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Parents are the pride of their children.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, everybody have a big belly laugh now, like, oh yeah, right.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know, uh parents are the pride of their, but see, the idea is the same thing that if you have, if children have parents that they can be proud of, who are authentic, who are real, don't have to be perfect, then parents are the pride of their children in the same way that grandchildren are the pride of the grandparents.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: Just this wonderful, wonderful verse uh about um about home.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's Proverbs 17.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: This is Proverbs 23.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: My son, give me your heart and let your eyes observe my ways.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Notice the emphasis on what is done rather than what is said.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: We're talking about authenticity.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: But as I mean, even the best parents, and here here I confess, Melvin and I were not perfect in this or either one of the other two areas that I'm gonna share with you.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's so easy to be slightly inauthentic, to say something, but not really live it out.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, in its worst forms, uh you can be inauthentic morally.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Tell your children, you know, I want you smoking marijuana, but then they see you uh drinking too much alcohol.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: So you just completely, they're smart, they can put the two of you together.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: Or or uh or spiritually, and I'm more concerned as a pastor about spiritual life.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: How many parents say to their children, God is number one at this home?
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: God's number one in our lives.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And yet the children know better.
• 10:43
  SPEAKER_00: Because whenever there is a battle between God and sports teams, sports always finishes first, right?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Whether it's the kids' ball tournaments, kids' sports tournaments, or whatever else.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Now, you know, I'm pointing four fingers at myself here because I'm I'm crazy about sport.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, uh, Derek Rowe would tell you, our our youth guy, our middle school guy, you know, we'd much rather have a pagan kid who comes out of a home whose parents have would never say to them, God comes first.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: And because we can deal with it, we can help those kids, we can we can get those kids fully devoted to Christ.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: But you get a child who's been inoculated, who comes out of a home that consciously says God's number one, God's number one, God's number one, but they know better, they know that family devotions or going to church or whatever else falls a distant second behind competition, sports competition, then you know you've got a real uphill battle trying to convince them when they've grown up with an inauthentic uh message.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: Now, how uh just just for fun with each of these, I want to give you three ways in order if you want to try to be an inauthentic parent.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Here's three sort of fun ways to do that, okay?
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: How to be inauthentic.
• 11:52
  SPEAKER_00: First of all, speak in superlatives, okay?
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, if you don't want to be authentic and completely truthful, always tell them they are the prettiest, the handsomest, the smartest, the most talented, the most artistic.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: And this way, when they grow up and they find out that they're just a little better than average, and they can't believe it, and they find out they really have to work at something to even get a B, you know, then when they go to therapy, they can blame you in their expensive counseling sessions.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyway, speaking superlatives.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: That way, you know, don't tell them the true truth.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_00: Secondly, always take their side of the story.
• 12:31
  SPEAKER_00: If the teacher, if you're meeting a teacher in parent-teacher conference, the teacher tells you they're failing in the classroom, well, you know immediately.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know immediately it's the teacher's fault.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's the teacher's fault.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: Or if the coach says to you, tells your child, child comes home and says, Coach told me I'm gonna be warming the bench, then you tell that kid right away.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, you know the truth.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: That is a bad coach right there.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: That is a bad coach.
• 12:55
  SPEAKER_00: You take their side of the story.
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: If they're in high school and all evidence points to the fact they were part of the group that stole the CDs, you know, but your child tells you, no, I had nothing to do with it.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well, then you know the evidence is just purely circumstantial because you're taking their side of the story.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's how to be inauthentic, that's how to care less about the truth than pleasing your child.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Third, don't ever let them fail or look bad.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, so as a result, you need to finish that History Day project for them.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or that speech, or that term paper, or that pinewood derby car, because after all, it would be harmful to their little psyches to be embarrassed publicly or finish in the bottom half of the curve.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_00: So don't let them fail or look bad.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: Don't stare at me that way.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_00: You've done this too.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've done this too, so okay.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, Adrian, we finished that project for you.
• 13:49
  SPEAKER_00: So okay, so that's the A.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_00: A is for authenticity.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Number C two, B.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: B is for backbone.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was gonna call it bravery, but I like backbone better.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um in ethics, I used to teach ethics for years.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: There are a number of different ethical theories.
• 14:06
  SPEAKER_00: There's utilitarianism, that is, you always choose the choose the result that leads to what's useful for the most people or whatever.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: I happen to be a virtue ethicist.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_00: I think the Bible, fought like Aristotle, not values ethics, but virtues ethics, love, joy, peace, courage, and so forth.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_00: And Aristotle says, and I think the Bible agrees, that courage is the single virtue that is the doorway to all the others.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: You want to conquer your addiction?
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_00: You know what it takes?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_00: It takes courage.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: You want to be disciplined, you want to be truthful when it's hard to be truthful.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_00: You want to be uh, you know, whatever else it is.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: Courage is the key.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_00: That's the same as backbone.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to tell you about courageous parenting, which is such an important issue.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: In Proverbs, you have all of these verses: the fear of the Lord, in the fear of the Lord, there is strong bravery, strong confidence.
• 14:56
  SPEAKER_00: Choice is you can either fear the Lord or you can fear your child.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_00: So if you fear the Lord, then you'll be brave.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: You'll have strong confidence.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or here's one, and I know this is gonna be controversial, and I know, I know right now there are people in here, people listening to me in the college Mulvaine building online who are gonna disagree with me, even using this verse because you do not believe in any spanking at all.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: You believe in the modern mantra that spanking teaches children that violence is the answer to everything.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: I don't buy that.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: I think Proverbs is correct.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Proverbs says Proverbs 23, 13, don't hesitate to discipline children.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_00: A good spanking won't kill them.
• 15:34
  SPEAKER_00: As a matter of fact, it may save their lives.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_00: This is the philosophy of Proverbs that a rod will not kill someone.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: You and I know that rods can kill someone, but its point is that correct biblical discipline can include a spanking.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: And feel free to come up to me afterwards.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: You always do, whenever I mention this.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_00: And I know who some of you are, and it's just fine, okay?
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: But but I'm just telling you that here's where I stand.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: If your little boy takes a stick and swats his little sister across the face with that stick, or if your little girl runs into the street in traffic for the third straight time, even though you told her not to, I do not think that getting down on one knee, treating them like an adult, and saying, come now, let us reason together, is the right way to handle that.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think you need to give them a SWAT.
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: And I think the Bible would say you can do that without encouraging them that, you know, without you can be violent, of course you can overdo it.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_00: I can give you loads of personal testimonies about that.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: But but the Bible is clear about discipline.
• 16:38
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm just gonna tell you that it takes courage and bravery in a day like this in America, in the West at least, it takes courage to discipline your children with a good spanking.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_00: So that's all I'll say.
• 16:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'll expect to hear from you this week.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here's another one.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: If you falter in times of trouble, how small is your strength?
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, Proverbs doesn't cut you any slack here.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you say, Oh, yeah, but I'm so embarrassed.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, we're we're Toys Are Us, and Proverbs says, Why did you take them to Toys R Us?
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: No, no, and or if you know you're going past the checkout counter and your child, or your grandchild, this is grandparents, you have to be so careful about this.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: You need to find out from your children what their standards are so that you're not ruining your children's standards, so that you can be sugar daddy or sugar granddaddy.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: For me, in my case, sugar papa.
• 17:30
  SPEAKER_00: So, um, so you know you you can do it.
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can have backbone, you can have the strength to say in oh, no.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because the righteous are as bold as a lion, Proverbs 28.1.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: All right?
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: So this is this has to do with having a spine, not being spineless.
• 17:50
  SPEAKER_00: There are ways of being a spineless.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: You want to be a spineless parent.
• 17:54
  SPEAKER_00: One way to be a spineless parent is to always let your child interrupt.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: No matter who you're having a conversation with, could be the president of the United States, or no matter how important or time sensitive, even if perhaps you're in a group, you're in an important group, when your child tugs on your shirt and says, Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, you know, or your little boy tugs on your pant leg and goes, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy.
• 18:23
  SPEAKER_00: What you need to do to be spinous is you stop that conversation, you put that person or maybe that whole group of people on hold, make them wait, give your child your full attention, because after all, nothing else you're possibly doing at that moment could possibly be as critical as listening to what your little ankle biter wants to say to you.
• 18:45
  SPEAKER_00: And by the way, I'm not sure about this, but having just come back from a board meeting at John Brown where this happens, no, uh no, forget I ever said that.
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: So it seems to me the same parents who will allow their child to interrupt them at any time probably are the ones who in 10 or 20 years will be in important meetings and their cell phone will go off.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: And because they're older, they don't know how to turn the mute thing on.
• 19:12
  SPEAKER_00: And so it's going off, and then they look at it, as the conversation stops, even if it's about millions of dollars and the future of the Western world, and they'll look at it and then they'll go, I need to take this.
• 19:25
  SPEAKER_00: And in front of everyone, they'll sit there and they'll start a conversation with a grown child.
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_00: I think those are the same people.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: I'm just guessing.
• 19:32
  SPEAKER_00: So anyway, that's how to be a spineless parent, first of all, is let them interrupt.
• 19:38
  SPEAKER_00: Uh let let you uh secondly, let your no mean, mean, maybe.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, yeah, you told your your boy he would have to go to bed tonight without dessert because you caught him a couple of hours ago eating half of his Easter candy.
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 19:53
  SPEAKER_00: And and so he said, You've already had your dessert for today, and so when we do dessert, when we do the brownies at bedtime, you're not gonna get any, but there he is right now.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: I know this one so personally, it hurts because I blew it.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: So, you know, and his little eyes are filling with tears.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: And you're thinking, it's been a couple of hours since he ate 32 pieces of candy, you know, and he is so cute.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: And really, is it more important to have a backphone or a heart?
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: You know, really, really.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_00: And and and uh, or maybe it's your middle schooler who's going, I want an iPhone, I want an iPhone, I want an iPhone.
• 20:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can't get in a car with him, can't be anywhere with him, I want an iPhone, I want an iPhone, and and everybody else has an iPhone, I want, and you know, what do you do?
• 20:34
  SPEAKER_00: Well, be spineless, you know, give it to them, whatever they want.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 20:37
  SPEAKER_00: Um and one of the problems here is all of the all of the things that surround us at this time, even the books we read to our children, are full of spineless parents.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: I I could have picked Bernstein bears, you know, and that dim-witted sort of bumbling father always pop a barenstein, right?
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: But I found a here's a better one that we've got at home.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: If anybody wants to borrow this and read it to your children or grandchildren to show them just how spineless all of us are.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, Elephant on Wheels, a book you can read by yourself.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: If you're familiar with Petunia, Petunia was an elephant.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_00: Her family loved her, but she was not like other elephants.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_00: You see, Petunia liked to roller skate.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: And she roller skated in the house.
• 21:15
  SPEAKER_00: She roller skated up the stairs, she roller skated down the stairs, she roller skated into her brothers and sisters and parents, and when she roller skated between her daddy's legs, he lost his temper and he yelled at her.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so anyway, the family sat down to talk because nobody had the backbone to tell her Petunia go outside or something.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: So something must be done.
• 21:34
  SPEAKER_00: They said, we must stop Petunia.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: She should not roller skate.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: They thought and they thought.
• 21:38
  SPEAKER_00: And then Father said, I have a plan.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'll take Petunia's skates.
• 21:41
  SPEAKER_00: I'll hide them in a secret place after she goes to bed.
• 21:43
  SPEAKER_00: I will hide them in a secret place.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: And for some reason, everyone said this was a good plan.
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: So that is what Father did.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_00: Petunia came home, she took off her skates.
• 21:55
  SPEAKER_00: Father took the skates, he put them in a secret place.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Wow.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: He put them behind a panel.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: In a safe or something.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's amazing.
• 22:02
  SPEAKER_00: But the next day, Petunia was on roller skates.
• 22:06
  SPEAKER_00: That was a bad secret place, says Mother.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: Petunia found her skates.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: I will hide them.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: I'll put them in a very secret place.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what Mother did.
• 22:12
  SPEAKER_00: Petunia came home.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: She took off her skates.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_00: Mother took the skates.
• 22:15
  SPEAKER_00: She put them in a very secret place.
• 22:18
  SPEAKER_00: Looks as though she dug up her garden and stuck them six feet down or something.
• 22:23
  SPEAKER_00: But the next day, Petunia's on skates again.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_00: All right?
• 22:27
  SPEAKER_00: And so this happens.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Then Petunia's brother says, I'll put it in a very, very secret place.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And he hides it in a, I don't know, a NASA missile cone or something like that.
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: And then but Petunia's on skates the next day.
• 22:40
  SPEAKER_00: Then comes the sister, I'll hide it.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: You guys are worthless.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: I can hide it in a super secret place.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: And she hides it on Mars or something.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: So and Petunia's still on skates, okay?
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: And so they call uh Petunia calls the family together because Petunia is the only one with either brains or backbone.
• 22:56
  SPEAKER_00: And so um Petunia tells them, go to your secret places, see what you find there.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: They all went to their secret places and each one found something.
• 23:05
  SPEAKER_00: Each one found their roller skates.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: Not four, they each found one.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_00: They were surprised.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: But Petunia wasn't surprised because she's the only intelligent one of the family, too.
• 23:14
  SPEAKER_00: She laughed, which means she's the only one with a sense of humor in the family.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: I couldn't find my skate, she said.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_00: You put them in secret places.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_00: So each day I had to get new skate.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: She's clearly the only one with money in the family, too.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine buying five, four pairs of roller skates?
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_00: She's got like 150 bucks at least.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: And now we all have skates.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: The family smiled, you can all roller skate, you just have to try.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: So she taught them all how to roller skate.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: And we now know that Petunia has a backbone, but nobody else does.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: So this is the kind of a culture we live in where dad, mom don't have a backbone.
• 23:50
  SPEAKER_00: Proverbs would say, Yes, you do.
• 23:53
  SPEAKER_00: Don't tell me you can't say no.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: You've proven you've got the toughness.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: I love the old cartoon, don't be fooled by this face.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: I had a baby without medication, I will snap you like a twig.
• 24:04
  SPEAKER_00: So we do have the ability to say no.
• 24:11
  SPEAKER_00: We just need to use it.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: The other way to be a spineless parent is to try to protect your child from all pain and suffering and harm.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: Run interference for your child if you see that trouble might be coming.
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 24:27
  SPEAKER_00: Keep them in knee pads, keep them in a helmet and training wheels.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_00: Forbid them to climb on trees or on monkey bars, keep them out of the dirt and for heaven's sake, no high dives at the pool, and never let them go outside without a coat on and so forth, right?
• 24:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's protecting them.
• 24:50
  SPEAKER_00: I was astounded to read a speech that the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court gave at a middle school graduation last fall.
• 25:02
  SPEAKER_00: Apparently, if you're a Hollywood starlet, you can speak at Harvard's commencement, but if you're the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, you get middle school.
• 25:11
  SPEAKER_00: But what he said to these kids was amazing.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_00: He said, from time to time in the years to come, I hope you will be treated unfairly so that you'll come to know the value of justice.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness, he's he said that?
• 25:27
  SPEAKER_00: Don't doesn't he know how bad bullying is?
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: I hope that you will suffer betrayal because that will teach you the importance of loyalty.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll be lonely from time to time so you don't take friends for granted.
• 25:42
  SPEAKER_00: I wish you bad luck from time to time, so you'll be conscious of the role of chance in life and understand your success isn't completely deserved, and that the failure of others isn't completely deserved either.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_00: And when you lose, as you will from time to time, I hope every now and then your opponent will gloat over your failure, so you'll understand the importance of sportsmanship.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll be ignored so you'll know the importance of listening to others, and I hope you'll have just enough pain to learn compassion.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: And what he said to those middle schoolers, I'd like for every parent to be able to say, at least believe enough to be able to say to their children, that would take backbone.
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: The A is for authenticity, B for backbone, the C for the most important one of all.
• 26:26
  SPEAKER_00: Consistency, consistency, consistency, universally recognized by family therapists and counselors as the single most important parenting quality of all.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_00: And in fact, it's represented in the most famous verse in the Bible about parenting, which is train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he won't depart from it.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: This is a proverb that says train up.
• 26:50
  SPEAKER_00: The Hebrew word hanak means dedicate, means every single day you send out, you dedicate in a spiritual way your child onto the path they should go, consistently putting them on the same path.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: And the general rule is that when they're old, they won't depart from it.
• 27:07
  SPEAKER_00: I like what Dr.
• 27:08
  SPEAKER_00: Michael Campion said, clinical psychologist at the University of Illinois for 18 years, Christian psychologist at the heart of training up a child is consistency, but its parents' major hurdle in child rearing.
• 27:22
  SPEAKER_00: But your children desperately need it.
• 27:25
  SPEAKER_00: I may not always know what my child will do, but my child should always know what I will do.
• 27:33
  SPEAKER_00: I can pretty much count on having no idea what my children will do.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: One child will have a beautiful neat room, and the next child will be sleeping on the bare floor.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: No clue.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: But they should be able to count on consistent parenting from daddy and mommy.
• 27:50
  SPEAKER_00: When you come to the New Testament, Jesus told his disciples in the Sermon on the Mount, let your yes mean yes, and your no mean no.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: That's consistency.
• 28:03
  SPEAKER_00: Say what you mean, mean what you say.
• 28:06
  SPEAKER_00: And Jesus' brother, 30 years later, would write, perhaps to parents as well, don't swear, don't get so mad at your kids, either by heaven or earth or by any other earth, but let your yes be yes and your no be yo.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: No.
• 28:21
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, stay calm, be calm, be consistent.
• 28:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sweetheart, sometimes mommy's alone time is for your safety.
• 28:29
  SPEAKER_00: You know, so that you're staying calm, you know, so that your goal is that without raising your voice, you can get your children to do what's right, what you want them to do, without screaming, without yelling, anything.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: And because you're consistent.
• 28:47
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how many times I counted to three as my kids were growing up.
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: You will do this, or at the count of three, there will be repercussions.
• 28:57
  SPEAKER_00: One, two, shazam.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: There it goes.
• 29:00
  SPEAKER_00: So uh this is uh Parenting Success Skills Top 10.
• 29:04
  SPEAKER_00: Number one rule of parenting is consistent.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: Now, how to be an inconsistent parent, oh my goodness, we can think of a lot of ways, right?
• 29:13
  SPEAKER_00: Here are three ways.
• 29:14
  SPEAKER_00: Number one, criticize the adults in your child's life.
• 29:17
  SPEAKER_00: At the dinner table, criticize his teacher at school.
• 29:21
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them what a lame job the coach of his ball team is doing during Sunday dinner, as your child's sitting there watching you and mom or you and dad criticize the adults that they see at church.
• 29:34
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you criticize me.
• 29:36
  SPEAKER_00: And so doing, you teach them to be critical of the authority figures in their life, except for, of course, you don't want them to be critical of their primary authority figure, which should be dad or mom or dad and mom's other adult friends.
• 29:51
  SPEAKER_00: So there's an inconsistency there, right?
• 29:54
  SPEAKER_00: You build that in.
• 29:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can be critical of some adults, not critical of other adults, you have to check with me ahead of time, you know.
• 30:03
  SPEAKER_00: So uh it's number two, how to be inconsistent.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: Alternate parent and friend hats.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes be your child's parent.
• 30:13
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them they have to come to the table now.
• 30:15
  SPEAKER_00: They have to get in the car now, they have to turn off the video game, now, they have to go to bed, now.
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: But at other times, take off your parent hat.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: You know your child needs a friend, needs a BFF, a best friend forever.
• 30:27
  SPEAKER_00: So sit by your child on the couch and give them the full disclosure, the inside edition, the real details about your life.
• 30:36
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them how rocky your marriage is.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them the stupid and dangerous things you did as a child.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them that you're worried about losing your job.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: Tell them how much you fear that the that you won't have enough money.
• 30:51
  SPEAKER_00: Don't forget any detail.
• 30:52
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe even ask your eight-year-old for advice.
• 30:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because they need a best friend.
• 30:57
  SPEAKER_00: Then you can be that friend.
• 30:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then 30 minutes later, mess with their mind by flipping back under the parent and tell them now.
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: Okay?
• 31:07
  SPEAKER_00: Alternate parent and friend hats in order to be inconsistent.
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Third, play good cop, bad cop with your spouse.
• 31:16
  SPEAKER_00: Lots of husbands and wives, as you know, take opposing roles and discipline and dealing with their kids, for example.
• 31:22
  SPEAKER_00: Dad's the good cop who's more lack, kid's best buddy, and mom's the nag, she's the bad cop, or sometimes it's the opposite, like the family I grew up in.
• 31:30
  SPEAKER_00: Dad, strict, mom tended to be the sympathizer, the nurturer, and as a result, the kids learn which parent they want to run to at certain times.
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: They want to split their parents.
• 31:42
  SPEAKER_00: They pit their parents against each other.
• 31:44
  SPEAKER_00: For example, uh, Jacob goes to his mommy and he said, Dad said I had to clean my room before I went to the store.
• 31:54
  SPEAKER_00: How's mom gonna react?
• 31:56
  SPEAKER_00: She disagrees with dad.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: If she wants to be inconsistent, she should roll her eyes and she should sigh.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: She say, Oh, I'm so sorry.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, your dad, he's so in a strict sometimes.
• 32:07
  SPEAKER_00: So um, so that would be how I, or maybe he says to mom, why are you making me clean my room?
• 32:12
  SPEAKER_00: Dad never makes me clean my room.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: And so as a result, kids get to be experts, right?
• 32:17
  SPEAKER_00: At pitting dad and mom against each other.
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: And when that happens, of course, if you're gonna be consistent, you have to be able to say, that's the rule.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: You have to do it.
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: Then you turn around and you walk out of the room.
• 32:28
  SPEAKER_00: If that's what your dad said, that's what we're gonna do.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: If that's what your mom said, that's what we're gonna do.
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: Now, how about those times, 80% of the time, where you disagree with your spouse?
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: You think they are being a little too rough?
• 32:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, do you argue with them right in front of your child?
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: You do if you want to mess up their mind.
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: Best thing to do is wait till your children go to bed at night in your bedroom, then you hassle that out.
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: You talk about the rules, you talk about what you're going to do, you work that out completely apart from my parents were so different, it's unbelievable.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: My dad, when dad and my mom met, my dad had several advanced degrees.
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: He was 29 years old, he was already a professor in Atlanta, Georgia.
• 33:07
  SPEAKER_00: And my mother, age 18, just finishing high school, high school, age 18, a simple girl, and she never got any other degrees than that, a sweet girl, kind girl, and so forth.
• 33:20
  SPEAKER_00: My dad, strict, disciplinary, and straight arrow, and socially awkward.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, socially challenged.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: My mother, everybody loved her, she loved everybody, very popular, very sweet, and so forth.
• 33:33
  SPEAKER_00: They get married within hours, you know.
• 33:38
  SPEAKER_00: No, very quickly, okay?
• 33:40
  SPEAKER_00: This 29 and 18 when they get married.
• 33:42
  SPEAKER_00: And they were always that way.
• 33:43
  SPEAKER_00: They're always that different.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: Guess which one we ran to for help and comfort.
• 33:49
  SPEAKER_00: And dad said we had to do this.
• 33:51
  SPEAKER_00: I have.
• 33:53
  SPEAKER_00: And mom would go, I have to do it.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sorry.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's the rule.
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, dad and I agree on that.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: We go, Mom, we know you don't agree with that.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: In your heart, you don't.
• 34:01
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yes, I do.
• 34:03
  SPEAKER_00: Mom! You know, but to her dying day, even five years after dad died, you know, even in her upper 80s, we'd go, okay, mom, remember those times, remember that.
• 34:13
  SPEAKER_00: You really agreed with this, didn't you?
• 34:14
  SPEAKER_00: She goes, No, no, your dad, he was right.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: So, um, but this is so important.
• 34:21
  SPEAKER_00: Iowa State University did this big study here in the last uh couple of years, took 451 two-parent families.
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: They chose families where one of the parents tended to be more lax, good cop, and the other more strict, bad cop.
• 34:34
  SPEAKER_00: Followed them, interviewed the kids over a span of several years, and then uh at different ages, starting when the kids were seven, eight years old, and then wrote this article, which is recently published in a social science magazine entitled How Good Cop, Bad Cop Parenting Affects Kids' Health.
• 34:49
  SPEAKER_00: Health.
• 34:50
  SPEAKER_00: And excerpting some of the lines of this study, it creates an unhealthy level of, here's our word, inconsistency for the kid, exacerbates their stress because what causes us more stress than anything else is uncertainty when the environment's unpredictable.
• 35:04
  SPEAKER_00: And here was really an interesting line for me.
• 35:07
  SPEAKER_00: That's not to say that a naturally stricter parent needs to force themselves into something warm and fuzzy.
• 35:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's a relief because Dr.
• 35:15
  SPEAKER_00: Roger Congdon, my father, could have never done that.
• 35:19
  SPEAKER_00: Rather, he said parents with different styles should work together to create a consistent environment even as they each stick to the roles that come more natural.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, dad was always going to be the stricter one, mom was always going to be the nurturer and so forth, but they always supported one another, never disagreed in front of us.
• 35:40
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, you're gonna always be your personality, but the number one tip is consistency and follow-through.
• 35:48
  SPEAKER_00: And there you go, those are the three.
• 35:50
  SPEAKER_00: A stands for authenticity, B, hackbone C, consistency.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: So I want to close with, I'll tell you, I'll mention a little bit about my growing up years, and I'm gonna call Jeremiah out, and then I'll pray for you, and then I'm gonna sing a song that I chose that I think is just perfect for this.
• 36:11
  SPEAKER_00: So I like to think that I was born to privilege.
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: I was born to privilege.
• 36:17
  SPEAKER_00: I was born on a small farm outside of Portland, Oregon.
• 36:21
  SPEAKER_00: Um dog named Tiny, two cows, three acres, four goats, twenty chickens, um, or twenty cats, I'm sorry, fifty chickens, a hundred rabbits, two parents, two parents, twelve children.
• 36:47
  SPEAKER_00: I was the oldest son.
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: A twelve hundred square foot house with one one little bathroom.
• 36:54
  SPEAKER_00: I lived out behind a garage, too many people for that house, too many kids.
• 36:58
  SPEAKER_00: So I lived out behind the garage, and in addition to the garage, with two of my brothers.
• 37:03
  SPEAKER_00: When it got cold at night, we just stacked us in one bed.
• 37:07
  SPEAKER_00: So um, but we had plenty to eat.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: We had plenty to eat.
• 37:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know that because every time I asked my dad for more food, he'd say, You've had plenty.
• 37:15
  SPEAKER_00: So um.
• 37:19
  SPEAKER_00: So my but I was born to privilege because my parents were stodgy, they were not up to date, they didn't wear clothes that were up to date, they weren't modern, we didn't have a television, and they didn't care about being modern.
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: But they were through and through authentic.
• 37:45
  SPEAKER_00: Life, lip, no different.
• 37:50
  SPEAKER_00: They had backbone, they had back, they had backbone despair.
• 37:53
  SPEAKER_00: They were loaning out backbone to other people.
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: And consistent, oh my goodness, consistent till the day they died, consistent with each other, consistent with what they believed.
• 38:05
  SPEAKER_00: A, B, C.
• 38:07
  SPEAKER_00: They made mistakes, they made mistakes.
• 38:09
  SPEAKER_00: Melody and I made mistakes.
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I think of them as great parents because they were authentic, consistent, and they had a backbone.
• 38:18
  SPEAKER_00: Now let me pray for you.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: Heavenly Father, I pray for the parents here, pray for the grandparents who need to support the parents and not work against them.
• 38:26
  SPEAKER_00: Maintain a consistent, a consistent authority structure in that home.
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: I pray for parents, pray for grandparents that they would be authentic and have a backbone and be consistent.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: For the sake of the children, for the sake of glorifying you, we pray.
• 38:40
  SPEAKER_00: In Jesus' name.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.