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Questions to Ask If You're Thinking Of Leaving Your Relationship · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate the Polycast.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: Finding the space for all of you in life and love.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Anna, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: In thoughtful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans, moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: On today's episode, I'm going to be exploring how to move yourself through the should I stay or should I go dilemma.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: Many of my clients come to me when they're in this space and they've been stuck in this space for quite some time, wondering whether there is a way to reconnect, to find their way back to their partner, to rebuild a relationship, or whether it is time to call it, whether it's time to go.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: So today's episode is questions to ask yourself if you're thinking about leaving, if you're moving, if you're stuck in and wanting to move through the should I stay, should I go?
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: That big question, should I stay, should I go?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: How to move yourself through and make that decision.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you already know in your gut that it's time to leave.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: You should leave, that it's over.
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_00: You really deep down know it's done.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know it's time, and you're scared.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to make the call.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_00: You don't want to be the bad one, and you certainly don't want to blow everything up.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: Or you're still not really sure.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: You're still stuck turning circles, asking questions on loop.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_00: One day you're like, right, this is done.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And the next day you think maybe there's some chance of finding your way back to one another.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's something more you can do or try or change or shift.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: Many of my clients come to me at this point and they're really worried about their kids.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: If they've got kids, they're worried about money, where you might live, how that might change, worried about speaking to their partner, about what's really, really going on in their head and their heart.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_00: They're worried about the impact, the fallout, extended family, and they're feeling the weight of all the expectations and all the conditioning and all the stories that were told about marriage and relationship and forever, the happy ever after, the fairy tale.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: Many too are worried that whatever decision they make will be the wrong decision.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: And many are feel worried about releasing themselves from the dream that that happy ever after dream, fairy tale dream, and of course, really worried about all the fallout.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: So, regardless of whether you're wondering whether to stay or go, or you know deep down it's time to leave, but you're finding it really hard to take your your next steps, you're in you're in a situation, you're in a position of you're in a state of indecision fatigue.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: There's something overwhelming and exhausting about not being able to make a clear, firm decision.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: Turning in circles, having that same internal dialogue go on and on and on over and over on repeat.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: And I know many of you will have heard the term decision fatigue where you've made so many decisions, big, small, every day for like forever, that you just get to the point where you just can't make one more, even what to order for dinner at the restaurant.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: You just cannot make one more decision.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: That's decision fatigue.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_00: But there's also a very real energetic space phenomenon, whatever you want to call it, um, of indecision fatigue, where you know you have to make a decision and you just can't.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Indecision fatigue is overwhelming and it is overwhelmingly exhausting.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: It's draining because the decision that needs to be made keeps hanging in the space and it's there all the time, 24-7.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's particularly there in the wee hours of the morning when you're awake, churning, churning, churning through the same old internal dialogue over and over and over again.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Now, underneath indecision, underneath that inability to make the stay or go call, what's underneath it?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Expectation, conditioning, stories, not wanting to hurt or cause hurt or harm or inflict inflict pain.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I think deep down, fear, not even very deep down.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: If you just dig a little bit under the surface of this indecision, it's fear.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of making the wrong decision, fear of inflicting pain, fear of letting people down, fear of not living up to expectation, fear of letting go of hopes and dreams.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is where you're at, what is it for you?
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_00: What's underneath that indecision?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And what do you need to release yourself from?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to let go of?
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to shift or shed to really stand in your power to own your truth and be able to make the hard decision you maybe know you need to make?
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: Because the exhaustion of that indecision isn't ending isn't ended, I should say, by making the one and only right choice.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: The one and only right or correct or best decision.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: The exhaustion ends when you make a decision.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: A choice.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are in this space, I encourage you, yes, to ask yourself these questions that I'm about to run through, but also to break up the big final massive decision into smaller incremental choices or decisions, if that big one just feels too big, too, too much.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: So rather than choosing right now that you're gonna leave or you're gonna stay, or tomorrow you're gonna leave or you're gonna stay, can you instead break it down?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can you decide, for example, whether it's worth exploring couples counselling or individual counseling maybe for the first time?
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's again, maybe it's finding a new way.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: Can you decide whether it's worthwhile going away on a retreat together, getting rid of the kids, and heading off by yourself just to see if you can reconnect?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe decide whether you have an underlying issue or resentment or challenge or problem you might need to raise with your partner?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_00: Or can you simply decide to gain full clarity, full vision on your financial situation, your your family's entire finances?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_00: Can you perhaps that you're willing to show up for your relationship in a different way?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: Can you work on letting go of your resentment, your frustration, your anger, and anchor back into what really matters to you?
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Soothe yourself, calm your nervous system, heal some of your wounds, your wounding, and maybe that will allow you and enable you to show up in a new way in your relationship.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it's a decision to reach out and reconnect with your partner to see if he or she will turn and meet you.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: What is one small decision that could support you rather than the big decision?
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps that is helpful just to break it down into smaller incremental choices.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: And now to the 12 questions to ask yourself.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: But having them written down, recorded, where you can look back at them, that can be incredibly helpful to sort out the messy overwhelm of your thoughts and feelings.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_00: Because as you said, as I said earlier, you know, these your answers may shift and change depending on the day.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: And if you can recognize and re and find repeating patterns, repeating answers, that helps solidify your thinking.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Because for most of you, if you're in this space of wondering, questioning, indecision, you're not going to listen to this podcast episode and then go, right, off I go, right now.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_00: There will still be processing and going back and forth and moving through decisions.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: So having your thoughts recorded to reflect back on and track pro track progress, track changes, um recognize patterns is really is really useful.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: So here we go.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: Question number one.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: What's changed since being in this relationship felt good for you?
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, what's changed since I felt happy in this relationship?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Since I felt connected, since I felt met, since I felt whatever it is.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: What's changed?
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Watch the change since you felt happy, secure, fulfilled in this relationship?
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: Was it a single bombshell moment?
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: What did something big happen?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Was there a betrayal, uh uh infidelity, couldn't find the word, um, or has it just been a slow burn?
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: Reflect back.
• 10:47
  SPEAKER_00: When did you last feel happy, content, heard, seen, held, cherished, all the things in this relationship?
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: Did you ever?
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: Think back to the last time and what's changed since then?
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: Is there also still a degree of kindness between the two of you?
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: Is there still respect and kindness?
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do you still do kind, thoughtful things for one another?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: And if the answer to that's no, can you bring it back?
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: Have maybe kids come along and there's no clear communication about who does what, who carries the mental, emotional load, leaving one of you, and let's face it often it's the woman in a heterosexual relationship, and if you're listening to this, that's probably you.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: If you are carrying all of that load, feeling overextended, undervalued, unappreciated, maybe that's what's changed and shifted.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've moved into state internationally, maybe financial things have changed, maybe hey, COVID lockdowns.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: What's changed since being in this relationship felt good for you?
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: And can it be addressed?
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: Can it be shifted and changed back?
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, is there one specific thing, one specific point of contention, one specific issue that you just can't resolve or you just can't move past?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking here about having that same old argument on loop that perhaps the two of you engage in.
• 12:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's more about moving through power struggle and control and conflict resolution, which I'll probably touch on later in this episode.
• 12:32
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm talking about here is is there one core issue that keeps coming up, one big ticket item that you just cannot move past?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: One of you had an affair and the other can't forgive or move past the betrayal?
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe there's a core value that you don't share, maybe one of you wants children and the other does not.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_00: Ask, are your core values mostly aligned?
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now they don't have to be exactly the same, they don't have to line up exactly, but are they more or less aligned?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_00: Or is one of you struggling to get past that significant event, that's something tangible and specific, maybe like an affair or some other form of betrayal, or there is a core issue, a core fundamental value that you don't share, which is leaving you unable to release and move forward?
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Is there one specific thing that you cannot resolve?
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: One specific issue you can't resolve and move past?
• 13:39
  SPEAKER_00: Question number three to ask yourself Am I clinging to the honeymoon phase?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: The honeymoon phase of a relationship is where everything, it's actually it's called limerence.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_00: Everything is seen through the rosy, rose-colored glasses of new love, new discovery.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking to reclaim the honeymoon phase, if that's what you want to get back to as your real love, question yourself here really deeply.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: Am I hoping to reclaim the feelings, the intensity of the feelings that you only felt for this person in the honeymoon phase or in the chase phase?
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because some of us get hooked into the adrenaline of the chase.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_00: Am I clinging to the honeymoon phase?
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because these feelings, the feelings from that honeymoon phase are not sustainable long term.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now that's not to say that some of the behaviors of that phase, some of the things that you do for one another and experience in that phase cannot be held in a long-term relationship.
• 14:47
  SPEAKER_00: But if that's all you're chasing, ask yourself if it's realistic.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: Are all of the good memories you have only from that honeymoon phase?
• 14:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's only after that honeymoon phase passes, only after we move through that and move through or beyond, it's after the newness of discovery is over that we really, really come to know one another in relationship.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_00: So if you answer a deep, truthful yes, that you are actually wanting to reclaim all of the honeymoon phase, maybe the next question to ask is do you actually like this person now that you know them on a deeper level?
• 15:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or did you just like how it felt in that early discovery honeymoon phase?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: Do you like this person now, now that you know them on a deeper level?
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_00: And ask too or explore whether the two of you are actually compatible, or were you only drawn to one another by the novelty of the newness?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: And now that your relationship is is real and longer term, and you're faced with the reality of moving through the power phase struggle, the power struggle, let me say that again, the power struggle phase for a relationship because all couples go through it, juggling and working out how to share power and how to actually connect and relate.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: If you're having to face the reality that you don't always agree on everything, because you know, in that early phase, that limerence phase, that honeymoon phase, you you are seeing, viewing one another through rose-colored glasses, and also you're both on your best behavior, so you tend to agree with one another.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: Um, so once you've moved through that phase, you need to resolve, you need to know how to resolve conflict with this person and repair from rupture.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: And boy oh boy, does this person really poke your wounds and trigger and activate you?
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: That is normal in relationship.
• 16:53
  SPEAKER_00: So are you only clinging to or chasing or wanting to reclaim the honeymoon phase of this relationship?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: Question number four.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: What do I need to be happy and fulfilled in this relationship?
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this is an extension of question one in terms of what's changed since I was happy, but getting really clear about what you need to feel happy, secure, fulfilled, seen, heard, held in this relationship with this person is important.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_00: What do you need to feel happy and fulfilled in this relationship?
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: And are you asking for something that is actually beyond your partner's capacity to give?
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_00: They might want to give it to you, but it just might not be in them.
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: Is it simply not part of his or her DNA to be able to give what you most need?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: You know, think about if you're in a relationship with an introvert, they are calm, they are steady, they are reliable, they are there versus the extrovert who's outgoing, spontaneous, adventurous.
• 18:03
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're the if you're the extrovert in relationship with the introvert, and I know it's a really base level um example, but it's a c it gives us something to gives me something to explain it to you.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: So if if you're the extrovert in relationship with a full introvert who does not like adventure, are you asking by asking them to be adventurous and to be spontaneous, you're actually asking them to do something that is not is not really possible for them.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: So what do I need to be happy fulfilled in this relationship?
• 18:38
  SPEAKER_00: Is it perhaps simply that I'm asking something that is beyond my partner's capacity to give?
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's the case, if this thing, if these things never changed, is it still possible for me to be happy in this relationship with this person?
• 18:53
  SPEAKER_00: And going one step further with this question, am I expecting or needing my partner to change on a fundamental level?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Am I expecting or needing my partner to change on a fundamental level?
• 19:05
  SPEAKER_00: And if this never happened, if this change never came about, could I still find true happiness, deep soul fulfilment, all the things in this relationship with this person?
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Or are these needs, are these requirements fundamental to who I am?
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: And so therefore, if they're not met, if it's not possible for this person to be to meet them, if it's not possible for them to be met in this relationship ever, is that a deal breaker?
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: If nothing ever changed, if these particular needs were not met in two, five, twenty, fifty however many years' time, could you still be happy?
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: Question number five.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: Who's doing the work?
• 19:48
  SPEAKER_00: Who is doing the work in this relationship?
• 19:52
  SPEAKER_00: And there are levels to this question, layers and layers and layers.
• 19:56
  SPEAKER_00: So come with me here.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: Firstly, who's doing the physical work?
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: Housework, yard work, all the work, right?
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: Who's doing the physical stuff?
• 20:06
  SPEAKER_00: Is it shared?
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: A telltale sign of inequality in relationships and in communities in general is um who does the dirty work?
• 20:19
  SPEAKER_00: Who does the really dirty work?
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Who washes out the bin juice at the bottom of the bin?
• 20:25
  SPEAKER_00: Who does the really rotten, dirty, smelly jobs?
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: It's a tell as I said, telltale sign of inequality and a breeding ground for deep festering resentment.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: So who's doing the physical work?
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Who's doing more of the physical work?
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: And really, particularly, who's doing those really yucky jobs?
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: Is it only one of you?
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: And let's face it, if you're listening to this, it's more likely to be you.
• 20:53
  SPEAKER_00: Are those, is the physical load shared, and particularly, are the yucky jobs shared?
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_00: Next part of who's doing the work is of course who does the mental and emotional labour in the relationship.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Who's carrying it all, or who's carrying the majority of it?
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you carrying all or majority without input or support or a sharing of that load by your partner?
• 21:17
  SPEAKER_00: Again, fast track to resentment.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: And resentment leads pretty much directly, if not immediately, um, to things showing up in your relationship that are really damaging.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: Well, what John Gottman calls the four horsemen of the apocalypse: contempt, criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, but particularly contempt, criticism.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: You never, you know, and maybe that maybe that's true, but go back to the question who is doing or who is carrying the emotional and mental labor in the relationship?
• 21:51
  SPEAKER_00: Who's doing the mental and emotional work?
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_00: And can that, if there is an imbalance, can that be addressed?
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: So it is a more even low.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: And it does not lead to resentment.
• 22:04
  SPEAKER_00: More on who's doing the work, who's committed to the work of healing and saving the relationship.
• 22:10
  SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't be asking, should I stay or should I go if this was a happy, healthy, healed relationship.
• 22:16
  SPEAKER_00: So who is committed to doing the work of healing and saving the relationship?
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: If it's only one of you, and again, if you're here listening, there's a fair chance that maybe that's you, or maybe your partner has been trying to get you to opt in, and so you've found yourself here.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: But are you both committed?
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_00: Are you both fighting for the relationship?
• 22:37
  SPEAKER_00: Are you fighting for each other and are you committed to the healing, committed to your healing and doing the work?
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you trying to drag your partner to therapy or to counselling or even to a discussion of what's theirs, what's yours to heal, and how you can each contribute to healing your behavioural relationship pattern, how you can each contribute to that to the well-being of this particular relationship?
• 23:04
  SPEAKER_00: And is mending, repairing, apologizing, is that not a two-way conversation in this relationship?
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: Is there only one of you who ever says sorry and attempts to heal and make good after a rupture, after a conflict, after an argument?
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_00: Does only one of you really want resolution?
• 23:22
  SPEAKER_00: Or is perhaps one or both of you anchored in the cycle of accusation and argument without really desiring, without really wanting to work towards a win-win resolution?
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_00: One or both of you is solidly holding on to, hooked into the I win you lose pattern of argument and conflict.
• 23:42
  SPEAKER_00: So is it only one of you that's doing or willing to do the work?
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: Who is committed to doing the work?
• 23:51
  SPEAKER_00: Question number six: Am I staying only because of fear?
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_00: This is one to ask yourself in a quiet space where you can be fully open, go deep, and be brutally honest with yourself.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_00: Am I only staying because of fear?
• 24:08
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of the financial impact, short-term, medium-term, long term.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_00: There is a lot in the media about the financial impact of divorce on women.
• 24:19
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid of the fallout and the effect on your kids?
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: Are you fearful that you'll have to change your work or career, maybe ramp it up, choosing some choose something more family and child friendly because your partner's the main carer?
• 24:34
  SPEAKER_00: Is there fear that you'll have to re-enter the workforce or find a new role because you've been main carer of children?
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do you have a business together?
• 24:43
  SPEAKER_00: Is there fear of what that's going to look like?
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_00: Fear of what others, including your partner, but also friends, family, work colleagues?
• 24:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is there fear of what others will think?
• 24:56
  SPEAKER_00: Especially, especially but not only, especially if you're leaving what appears externally to be a good inverted commas or good enough or even outwardly appearing perfect relationship.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid of what people will think?
• 25:13
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid on a deeper level there of being isolated or exiled?
• 25:19
  SPEAKER_00: You can check out my other podcast episode on the on being frozen out after divorce.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid of being abandoned or rejected by friends or by family?
• 25:28
  SPEAKER_00: Are you afraid of what other people will think?
• 25:31
  SPEAKER_00: Are you staying maybe because you're simply afraid of being alone?
• 25:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're afraid of doing things solo.
• 25:38
  SPEAKER_00: You're afraid of soul parenting.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're afraid of living by yourself, you're afraid of being left, afraid of being single, a single a single woman at whatever age you are.
• 25:50
  SPEAKER_00: Afraid of being a single woman or a single parent.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you're afraid of being left and being single forever.
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_00: These are real fears that I see that my clients bring.
• 26:04
  SPEAKER_00: They don't perhaps know at the beginning of their coaching time that that's what they're afraid of.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: But if you can dig down underneath, am I staying only because of fear?
• 26:14
  SPEAKER_00: What are my fears?
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe if you move through some of those fears and you work out how to offset them, or perhaps release yourself from them, because a lot of a lot of our fear around leaving a relationship is steeped in conditioning and expectation and society nor societal societal norms.
• 26:40
  SPEAKER_00: Are you only staying because you're afraid of what's on the other side?
• 26:46
  SPEAKER_00: Question number seven.
• 26:48
  SPEAKER_00: Am I staying because I simply don't have the energy to leave?
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_00: Deep down you know you want to leave.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you need perhaps you even know you need to leave.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_00: But you've been sitting in this cycle of indecision for so long that you are just depleted, exhausted, defeated, deflated.
• 27:09
  SPEAKER_00: You are so empty by repeated conflict, by toxicity, by disharmony, by those same old arguments on loop.
• 27:19
  SPEAKER_00: Even if it is as small as which restaurant to go to for dinner or whose turn it is to put the bins out.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: You're just so damn exhausted that you don't have the mental or emotional or even physical capacity to leave.
• 27:30
  SPEAKER_00: Are you staying because you have not had the energy to explore what your next steps are, what it could mean, what you need to know or understand or learn about, what you need to know in order to actually leave.
• 27:44
  SPEAKER_00: So if this is the case for you, it's a reminder, it's a nudge.
• 27:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I implore you to go deep on building your support networks to ease the mental, physical, and emotional load, to clear space and find ways to fill your cup so you can one make an empowered education and fully supported decision from a full cup, and two refuel in all of the ways physical, mental, mental, emotional, energetic, so you are able to move from the indecision fatigue.
• 28:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, make a decision and form a plan.
• 28:22
  SPEAKER_00: So go if this is you, go deep on self-care, build a supportive networking team around you, be that handful of girlfriends, your mum, your sister, a psychologist, a counselor, a coach, build your team around you so that you can fill your cup back up and have the mental, emotional capacity to make a decision.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: Am I staying simply because I don't have the energy to take that next step?
• 28:52
  SPEAKER_00: Question eight.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: Can I fully show who I really am in this relationship?
• 28:58
  SPEAKER_00: Can I fully show who I really am in this relationship?
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: For whatever reason or multitude of reasons, you can't show up and be who you really are.
• 29:09
  SPEAKER_00: You feel you need to fit yourself into a box.
• 29:12
  SPEAKER_00: You feel you need to s fit into certain parameters.
• 29:16
  SPEAKER_00: One of my clients recently described as as described it as folding herself into a space where she fit the relationship rather than finding or co-creating a relationship that met her as all of her, her authentic self, the whole lot of woman she is.
• 29:33
  SPEAKER_00: Can you really show the whole lot of woman that you are in this relationship?
• 29:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or are you keeping parts of yourself hidden?
• 29:42
  SPEAKER_00: Thoughts, ideas, opinions, behaviors for fear of not being met by your partner, for fear of being left, for fear of not being held in this relationship, for fear of not being deeply loved for who you really are, deeply loved and accepted.
• 30:00
  SPEAKER_00: Are you holding back or withholding parts of yourself that this relationship is not big enough to hold?
• 30:09
  SPEAKER_00: So the question is: can I show up as all of me?
• 30:12
  SPEAKER_00: Can I show my full and true self?
• 30:14
  SPEAKER_00: Can I be fully me in this relationship?
• 30:20
  SPEAKER_00: Question nine, which is similar but a little different.
• 30:24
  SPEAKER_00: Am I seen, heard, held, and met in this relationship?
• 30:28
  SPEAKER_00: Am I seen, heard, held, and met?
• 30:30
  SPEAKER_00: Am I an equal player in the relationship?
• 30:35
  SPEAKER_00: Do I have a voice that's heard, that's validated, that's respected in this relationship?
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: Are my ideas, thoughts, opinions, feelings, are they are they validated?
• 30:45
  SPEAKER_00: Are they welcome in the relationship?
• 30:48
  SPEAKER_00: Does my partner actually seek out my thoughts, my feelings, my ideas and opinions?
• 30:53
  SPEAKER_00: Is my partner interested in my thoughts, my ideas, my feelings, my ideas, my opinions, my emotions?
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: And am I interested in theirs?
• 31:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I guess at the moment we're talking about you.
• 31:04
  SPEAKER_00: So am I seen, heard, held, and met in this relationship?
• 31:08
  SPEAKER_00: Am I seen, am I heard, am I held, am I met?
• 31:12
  SPEAKER_00: Also, do we share decision making?
• 31:15
  SPEAKER_00: Is it is it a shared joint exercise or are decisions made unilaterally?
• 31:23
  SPEAKER_00: Do you make decisions by yourself without including your partner in the process?
• 31:26
  SPEAKER_00: And does your partner do the same?
• 31:29
  SPEAKER_00: Do we share decision making?
• 31:32
  SPEAKER_00: And does this person does this person seek to understand me?
• 31:36
  SPEAKER_00: And flip side of that, of course, is do I seek to understand my partner?
• 31:40
  SPEAKER_00: Does this person seek to understand me?
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: If you turn towards your partner, if you make a bid for or an attempt to connect, and there's another podcast episode on that too, making bids, if you turn towards and make a bid to connect with your partner, are you met?
• 31:58
  SPEAKER_00: And this also applies in being met during repair from rupture, in doing the work in all forms.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Are you met?
• 32:05
  SPEAKER_00: Does my partner seek to connect, understand, and meet me?
• 32:10
  SPEAKER_00: Can we discuss, debate, share our thoughts, our ideas, our opinions?
• 32:15
  SPEAKER_00: Do we actually still enjoy, or did we ever, sharing time and space together?
• 32:20
  SPEAKER_00: Do you still respect and care for and like each other?
• 32:25
  SPEAKER_00: Is it an us relationship or is it two individuals on parallel paths?
• 32:31
  SPEAKER_00: Are you meeting each other?
• 32:32
  SPEAKER_00: And if not, are you willing to meet?
• 32:34
  SPEAKER_00: Are you willing to turn towards one another, willing to work on connection, and willing to seek to understand each other, willing to meet?
• 32:44
  SPEAKER_00: Again, ask: are our core values mostly aligned?
• 32:48
  SPEAKER_00: They don't have to be exactly the same, but are they more or less aligned?
• 32:52
  SPEAKER_00: And can you meet one another on the big ticket items of your life?
• 32:58
  SPEAKER_00: Am I seen, heard, held, and met in this relationship?
• 33:02
  SPEAKER_00: And is my partner?
• 33:04
  SPEAKER_00: Question number 10.
• 33:06
  SPEAKER_00: Have I done my work?
• 33:09
  SPEAKER_00: Have you owned your story?
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: Have you owned your own crap?
• 33:13
  SPEAKER_00: Have you healed your wounds?
• 33:15
  SPEAKER_00: Have you done, or at least, are you doing your own healing, your own inner work?
• 33:21
  SPEAKER_00: Have you maybe looked at your relationship history, the patterns that show up there?
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because they're your clues and your messenger.
• 33:28
  SPEAKER_00: They they give you messages.
• 33:30
  SPEAKER_00: They are your clues to your own healing pathway, to your own relational wounds, your own, your own story, your crap, what you need to own and the inner work you need to do.
• 33:44
  SPEAKER_00: So have you explored and learned from past relationships, past past intimate partner relationships, family of origin relationships, your own evolution in this current relationship?
• 33:56
  SPEAKER_00: So have you taken those learnings and applied the work?
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: Have I done my work?
• 34:02
  SPEAKER_00: Are the problems you're facing, the feelings you're having, the conflicts you're not able to resolve?
• 34:09
  SPEAKER_00: Are the issues and the feelings specific to this relationship?
• 34:15
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you recognise them from previous relationships?
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: Do you recognise the patterns?
• 34:20
  SPEAKER_00: Can you recognise patterns from your past history with family of origin or previous intimate partner relationships, even work relationships?
• 34:28
  SPEAKER_00: Can you recognise patterns?
• 34:30
  SPEAKER_00: And are there things that you recognize and that are showing up repeatedly, which are in an in which is an indication that there is healing still to be done?
• 34:44
  SPEAKER_00: Have you done your work?
• 34:46
  SPEAKER_00: Are there wounds you still need to heal?
• 34:48
  SPEAKER_00: And do you suspect, in fact, if you really listen to your inner voice, your inner knowing, you'll know, do you suspect that these same issues would rear their head and you'd have the same problems with another partner?
• 35:01
  SPEAKER_00: Have you released yourself, say, from blaming your partner, finger pointing, saying we would be fine if you, if you did XYZ, or if you stopped doing XYZ or if you changed this thing about yourself?
• 35:11
  SPEAKER_00: Have you released yourself from that pattern?
• 35:14
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to qualify here that I'm not talking about toxic or abusive relationships or addictive behaviours that show up in relationship.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you're in a relationship with an addict, for example, you are well within your rights to ask they stop, and the relationship may well be okay if they do so.
• 35:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's a firm boundary that you need to draw around your safety and non-negotiables.
• 35:33
  SPEAKER_00: That's not quite what I'm talking about.
• 35:34
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm saying here, in a safe but perhaps dysfunctional or unhappy relationship, have you done your inner work so you can bring your best, perfectly imperfect, messy human self, but have you done your inner work so you can bring your best version of yourself to this relationship?
• 35:54
  SPEAKER_00: Question number 11.
• 35:57
  SPEAKER_00: What is in my capacity to change?
• 36:01
  SPEAKER_00: Part one.
• 36:03
  SPEAKER_00: And how would I feel if in five years' time nothing had changed?
• 36:10
  SPEAKER_00: What's in your capacity to change?
• 36:12
  SPEAKER_00: And how would I feel in five years' time if nothing had changed?
• 36:16
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to imagine yourself five years into the future.
• 36:20
  SPEAKER_00: How would you feel if you were still in this relationship and absolutely nothing had changed?
• 36:28
  SPEAKER_00: Would you regret not leaving now?
• 36:32
  SPEAKER_00: What would your future self tell you if she could sit next to you right now?
• 36:38
  SPEAKER_00: Would she want you to stay and heal and try and reconnect and fight for this relationship?
• 36:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or would she gently nudge you to leave?
• 36:49
  SPEAKER_00: In five years' time, would you feel relieved to have left, to have broken a pattern of disharmony, of unhappiness, of unfulfillment that has been going on for what feels like a really long time?
• 37:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, none of us goes into a relationship, a marriage, a committed relationship, hoping it will end in separation or divorce.
• 37:09
  SPEAKER_00: But how much of what needs to change for you to feel secure, feel held, feel heard, be met, feel happy and fulfilled in this relationship, how much of what needs to change for you to feel all of that is within your capacity to change?
• 37:27
  SPEAKER_00: And when you think of all that is not within your capacity to change, if none of it changed and everything was exactly the same five years from now, what would you choose?
• 37:41
  SPEAKER_00: Going back to how much is is in your capacity to change, how much is in your capacity to change, and what changes are you willing to make in order to stay?
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: What changes are you really willing to make?
• 37:58
  SPEAKER_00: How much are you really willing to do?
• 38:03
  SPEAKER_00: My last question, question number 12.
• 38:06
  SPEAKER_00: How would I feel if my partner left tomorrow?
• 38:11
  SPEAKER_00: How would you feel if your partner pulled the plug on the life support system your relationship is limping along with?
• 38:16
  SPEAKER_00: Just pull the plug, we're done.
• 38:19
  SPEAKER_00: How would you feel if your partner ended it?
• 38:22
  SPEAKER_00: Would you would you quietly, secretly even feel a sense of relief?
• 38:27
  SPEAKER_00: Or would you deep down be devastated?
• 38:30
  SPEAKER_00: Devastated by the by the loss of relationship with this particular person.
• 38:37
  SPEAKER_00: Not the loss of relationship, but the loss of a relationship with this particular person.
• 38:44
  SPEAKER_00: Does the thought, the reality, the actual reality of losing them forever, and losing them as exactly as they are, the perfectly imperfect, flawed human they are right now, not that idealised future healed version of him or her that you're carrying around in your head and you're hoping will somehow miraculously appear?
• 39:08
  SPEAKER_00: The person that they are now.
• 39:09
  SPEAKER_00: Does the thought of losing your partner exactly as they are now devastate you?
• 39:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or, as I mentioned back in the question about fear, is it that rather than miss this person, you would miss being in a relationship, any relationship?
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: You'd miss being part of a couple, you'd miss being a partner in a partnership, that you would be devastated by the loss of more of your hopes and your dreams and your future plans, by the loss of the safety and the security and the stability of being part of a couple in relationship.
• 39:48
  SPEAKER_00: How would you feel if your partner left?
• 39:51
  SPEAKER_00: How would you feel if your partner ended it?
• 39:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I also invite you to apply all of the lessons and all of the learning about self-abandonment and choosing you of the previous four episodes of the podcast.
• 40:06
  SPEAKER_00: So go back and listen if you've missed them.
• 40:09
  SPEAKER_00: I invite you to explore those and then apply all of that to your answering, your personal answering of these questions.
• 40:19
  SPEAKER_00: A deep, truthful, hard but honest exploration of your answers to these questions because leaving is hard.
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: But staying when the answers to these questions indicate it's really time to gently, respectfully, compassionately, and as kindly as you can break it down and walk away.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: Staying is hard, it's soul destroying, little piece by little piece.
• 40:44
  SPEAKER_00: We think we need to be brave and strong and deeply self-trusting and fully self-confident and have it all sorted to leave when in fact it's kind of the opposite, it's kind of the flip of that.
• 40:59
  SPEAKER_00: Making the decision to leave and then actually leaving builds your self-confidence.
• 41:05
  SPEAKER_00: Making the decision and leaving increases your bravery.
• 41:09
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving really boosts your capacity to deeply trust yourself.
• 41:13
  SPEAKER_00: And yet, while it's going to hurt in the short time, short term, maybe even the medium term, leaving will increase if if it is the right decision for you.
• 41:24
  SPEAKER_00: If it is, let me qualify that, leaving will increase your self-worth, it'll boost your self-love, it will boost your self-trust, and it will increase your happiness if it is the right call for you.
• 41:37
  SPEAKER_00: So to recap the questions to ask yourself and explore over time on a deep soul level are number one, what's changed since being in this relationship felt good?
• 41:51
  SPEAKER_00: Number two, is there one thing that I can't or we can't move beyond?
• 41:56
  SPEAKER_00: Is there one point of contention, one sticking point, one issue or core value misalignment that we can't get past?
• 42:04
  SPEAKER_00: Number three, am I only clinging to feelings that we had in the honeymoon phase?
• 42:12
  SPEAKER_00: Am I trying to reclaim the honeymoon phase?
• 42:14
  SPEAKER_00: Am I being unrealistic?
• 42:16
  SPEAKER_00: Number four, what do what do I need to feel happy and fulfilled in this relationship?
• 42:23
  SPEAKER_00: Number five, who's doing the work?
• 42:25
  SPEAKER_00: Physical, mental, emotional.
• 42:28
  SPEAKER_00: Who's doing the work and who's committed to doing the work to heal the relationship?
• 42:33
  SPEAKER_00: Am I only staying because of fear?
• 42:36
  SPEAKER_00: Am I only staying because am I staying only because I don't have the energy to leave?
• 42:42
  SPEAKER_00: Am I able to fully show up and show who I really am in this relationship?
• 42:48
  SPEAKER_00: Am I seen, heard, held and met?
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: Have I done my own inner work?
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: What's in my capacity to change?
• 42:58
  SPEAKER_00: How would I feel if in five years' time nothing had changed?
• 43:02
  SPEAKER_00: And what am I willing to change?
• 43:06
  SPEAKER_00: Of what is within my capacity, what am I willing to change?
• 43:10
  SPEAKER_00: And finally, how would I honestly feel if my partner left?
• 43:18
  SPEAKER_00: Leaning into your intuition, listening to your gut, listening to your inner voice, listening to your inner knowing when you ask these questions will give you a good indication of which path you deep down know is the right one for you.
• 43:32
  SPEAKER_00: Listen to your body.
• 43:34
  SPEAKER_00: Ending the overwhelm of the indecision takes leaning into the unknown.
• 43:40
  SPEAKER_00: It takes practicing courage, not already being courageous, not already being brave, but being absolutely shit scared and deciding anyway.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: Bravery comes after you've made the decision.
• 43:53
  SPEAKER_00: Empowerment will come after you've made the decision.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: Self-confidence, deep self-trust, deep self-belief comes after, increases after you've made the decision.
• 44:04
  SPEAKER_00: So don't wait.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_00: If this is what you're doing, don't wait until you feel brave or confident or empowered enough.
• 44:12
  SPEAKER_00: Don't wait.
• 44:14
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving when you know it's the right thing, even if it's the absolute hardest thing, leaving does eventually bring you that inner peace.
• 44:23
  SPEAKER_00: Independence, sovereignty, self-respect, self-love, truth, and peace.
• 44:30
  SPEAKER_00: And choosing to stay.
• 44:32
  SPEAKER_00: If you find that staying is your right decision, choosing to stay also takes practicing courage.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_00: Both of these decisions take trust.
• 44:43
  SPEAKER_00: Both decisions take hope.
• 44:50
  SPEAKER_00: Both decisions require choosing possibility over security, and that that's really brave.
• 44:58
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing possibility over security every time.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's choosing you, and that's brave.
• 45:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'll drop the link into the show notes.
• 45:21
  SPEAKER_00: There will also be an opportunity to download a PDF version of these questions that you can print out.
• 45:28
  SPEAKER_00: So you don't have to madly scribble notes.
• 45:30
  SPEAKER_00: I should have told you that at the beginning of the episode rather than the end.
• 45:34
  SPEAKER_00: So click the link in the in the show notes to grab your copy of that PDF.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: You just have to enter your email address to grab it.
• 45:42
  SPEAKER_00: Lucky last request.
• 45:44
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who is in the stay or go dilemma, who is stuck in that space, I would love it if you could share this episode with them.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: If you have liked it, if you have enjoyed this episode, I'd also love you to rate, like, rate, follow, review the podcast wherever you're listening.
• 46:01
  SPEAKER_00: That helps me get it into the ears of a whole lot more people who really need to hear it.
• 46:07
  SPEAKER_00: Again, thank you for being here.
• 46:09
  SPEAKER_00: I hope your answers to these questions lead you to your own right decision, and that that decision is deeply based in choosing you.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.