Latest / The Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast / Why anger is usually a boundary problem, not a behavior problem
Transcript
- Heidi: Hello! Welcome back to another episode of the Raising Emotionally Intelligent Humans Podcast. I'm Heidi. I'm your host. I'm a single mother by choice to two little ones. I'm an IFS therapist. I'm a lover of feelings. I'm a deep feeler. I'm a spiritual human. And I like to tell stories. Real stories of what really happens emotionally. For me and my children in our everyday lives. So here we are for another story. To set the stage. Children had been at school all day. I got a kindergartner, I got a preschooler. It was a normal day. I had picked them up, gotten them home. They had played quite well. I'd made dinner. We ate dinner. Then they wanted to watch TV. I said no, we're not watching TV tonight. It's a school night. A little bit of upset. Ugh, my mom, can we please just watch TV? No, not tonight. Then they go off and play some more. And then I told them that a couple more minutes of plan was time to go upstairs to get ready for bed. And all of a sudden they needed eighteen hundred million things. But Mom, I'm hungry. Well, you should have eaten your dinner. It's still on the table. Eat it. But Mom, I want candy. We're not having candy right now. Can I have ice cream? No, you cannot have ice cream right now. Mom, I'm hungry. I want a snack. It's not time for a snack, I say, getting more frustrated. It's time to go to bed. I need you to go upstairs now. They completely ignore me and open up the fridge. What are you doing? I say ex kind of angrily. We're hungry. We're getting a snack. And then my other one pulls out apple juice and she says Can I have this? And I think, no! It is bedtime. You can drink some water. And she stands there and she opens it. She said, it's already open. I'm gonna have to drink it. Smart kid. She's totally the smart cud. Okay, what do I do now? I'm thinking. Angry. I'm angry. My jaw is tight. My shoulders are tight. My chest is tight, my fistus fists start gripping, getting a little warm. I can feel the tension building inside of me. And I also don't feel like I have any agency. Like I can there's nothing I can do. So she opens it, I watch her open it and she drinks it and gets a lid and drinks it. And then her sister is complaining that she wants one too. Then I frustrated like take the one from her sister and open it and put a lid on it and give it to her. I'm like, Let's go upstairs and they walk upstairs with their apple juice. And they're drinking it. Which then means I have to wait for them to finish drinking it before I can brush their teeth. I had taken off their clothes. They usually don't wear pajamas. I asked them if they wanted pajamas. I don't remember if they did or not. If they did we put them on. I don't think they did. And I just had to stand there and wait. I'm like, you need to finish your apple juice. Drink it now. Hurry up. That is not a fun mama that's coming out right now. Eventually they drink their juice. Like, okay, now it's time to brush your teeth. Still very frustrated and angry that they didn't listen to me, that they outright ignored and disobeyed what I was telling them. Okay, your teeth are brushed. Pick out a book right now. I get very snippy when I get angry. I get very short and I expect them to do the thing right now. And then I tell them, if you're not gonna pick it out in the next ten seconds, you don't get a book. I'm gonna count to ten, get it now. One, two, three, four, five. My counting does tend to help me calm down a little bit. Six, and I start feeling a little less frustrated. Seven. They also don't do anything until I get to eight. When I get to ten, if you don't have a book, you're going to bed. And I actually mean it. Nine they race and they both grab a book within like a second. Ten. great, you both have a book. Let's read your book now. We read books. Put them to bed. I think that that was the I don't think bedtime was that hard. I don't actually remember. After I put them in their beds if they just stayed there or whatever. And then the After they were asleep, and I had sat down with myself for a moment. I questioned why in the world did you just let her have the apple juice and then why in the world did you open one for her sister when you did not want them to have apple juice? Like what is going on inside of you, Heidi? And it occurred to me that that's probably what happened when I was a kid. I don't fully remember, but my guess is there was a lot of words that were used and not a lot of action to put boundaries up. boundaries have been hard for me for a while. Boundaries were not demonstrated very well when I was a kid. So This is a boundary issue. And what do I know about boundaries? A boundary is what I will do. A boundary requires nothing from the other person. A request does require things from the other person, but a boundary does not. had I been in my regulated I have agency self self It's so clear. It's clear as a day. Like how could I have not known what to do? When she takes the apple juice out after I had told her she could not have apple juice but she can have water? I close the fridge that's in between her and I. I get down on her level and I say, I know you really want apple juice. You may have it in the morning. Right now it needs go back in the fridge. You can put it back in the fridge or I will. The request is she can put it back in the fridge. If she does not, I will. That is the boundary. That is what I wish I would have done. And then I wish I would have not opened the one for my little one, which probably wouldn't have needed to happen had I not let my older one open the apple juice. And then once the apple juice is back in the fridge, let me get you some water. That's that simple. It's simple, it's clear. It's not easy. It is really hard. Even when I know what to do. Even if I know in my mind in that moment I did know in my mind, I'm like I should be doing something. My actions still were completely different from what I w wanted to do. How I want to show up from her, with her, with my kids. The r revelation. Of I just don't have experience with what it's like to have a parent who has very clear boundaries. I just don't know that experience. Okay. We can work with this. I do have the experience of what it's like to have friends who have very clear boundaries. To be in working relationships with people who have clear boundaries. So I do know what a clear boundary is. I've also worked myself inside myself, worked on myself, for years and years and years and years and years around boundaries and around my own internal emotional growth, relational growth. So I do know something. And it makes me think right now as I'm retelling this story, something that a therapist I once had told me. She said that boundaries equal love. Yeah, that's true. Boundaries. They equal love. Boundaries equal love. They do. Boundaries are love. It is loving to set a boundary. To be so clear. With another person? That you don't even have to get into the angry, overwhelmed, frustrated place because the first That is an alarm. That is telling me I'm supposed to go get my kid, but my dad's actually picking up my kid so I don't need to go get my kid. That was Show Yourself by Elsa, by the way. By Frozen. It's my favorite songs. My three year old loves Elsa in Frozen. Anyway, boundaries. What was I saying? It is loving to no have clear boundaries and to express that to somebody else and to notice that when that twinge of anger or frustration comes up. That generally is pointing in the direction that some boundary or some need you have is not being met. So if you know that that's what anger does, it becomes a heck of a lot easier to be like, I feel a little frustrated or angry. What's not getting met right now? What boundary is being crossed? Even if I didn't know it was a boundary or a need, that's okay. You don't have to like fully investigate yourself every single time that you feel frustrated. You can take it to therapy, of course, and go deep dive and really feel and notice and be with that. Highly suggest doing that. But in those like quick moments, you're not gonna do that. You're gonna notice, I'm frustrated. Oof, okay, if I'm frustrated, some need is not getting met, some boundary is being crossed. I know that my kids need to get to bed. So it does need it this one doesn't even feel like it's my boundary. It feels like it's a I know what is best for the kids, that they need a certain amount of sleep and to be able to have a well set out bedtime that doesn't end in complete meltdowns, we need to start bedtime at a certain time. And if we start bedtime at a certain time and we And I catch that window before they have meltdowns, they are much calmer and they go to bed much easier and it's better for all of us. So I know that. I'm not thinking that obviously when I'm frustrated and telling them to go to bed. Probably thinking, go to bed so that I don't have to deal with you anymore. Part of it. But this is also the like, I know what is best for them. That's my job as a parent is to guide them in their health and their safety. Sleep is extremely important for health, for safety, for wellness, for well-being, for emotional regulation. You need sleep. Everybody need it. Mamas, you need sleep. Your babies, your kiddos, your teenagers need sleep. That's a health thing. Also safety, 'cause if you're sleep deprived, our minds do all kinds of crazy things when we're sleep deprived. Those are stories for different days. So what I'm saying is that The frustration points to a boundary that's being crossed, a need that's not being met. I know that bedtime's easier when we get upstairs in a certain time and we are able to get them in bed and then where our whole days go better when we sleep well. And that's all I really need to know. And it's okay now for me to go down back in another moment when my kid, right before bed, wants something because it almost always happens. And to be like, I feel ya. Whew, that's hard. Let's wiggle it out. Let's move it out. Let's I don't know. No, you cannot have the apple juice, but you can have water. Not saying she cannot nourish her own needs. She absolutely can drink something if she's thirsty. Just not apple juice. And mostly that's also because when she drinks apple juice she has to pee in the middle of night. Sometimes might wet her bed. Rather not deal with that. Anyway, that's a little realization in that I had recently. I'm working on knowing how to set a boundary for with my child and what that looks like and when to do it and what happens when I do something that's not what I'm wanting to do. I'm on a learning path of setting boundaries, of being a more clear grounded parent. Letting the angry part of me having that one blend less, as in like not be forefront as much. And there's my other alarm. Now I really gotta leave. to not have that one the anger be the like forefront. In your face one, but to have the anger be the internal oof, yeah, this is right, boundary. We need a boundary right now. And then do do that sooner, because if I do it sooner then I get less angry. It's wild how that works. Anyway, maybe you could think about has there been a moment where You told your kid something they couldn't have something or they couldn't do something or whatever and then they did it anyway and then you're like, Why am I even here? And maybe look at that moment and that time and see like is there anything that's happening for you? Like what's going on for you inside? How are you raised? Is that kind of how your parents treat you now? Or have they treated you like that? And what inside are there any anything that can become clear, more clear to you of what it is that you could have done in that situation? Just something to ponder with. Think about. Become a more emotionally intelligent family. Thanks for coming back and listening again. Or listening for the first time if this is the first one you've listened to. If this was helpful, I really invite you, Mama, to s share this with somebody else. To make sure you're subscribed, to give a five star rating, to write a review. And more so than any of that, mommy, what I really want for you. I want you to touch into yourself, to find how you need to be nourished, to know you are doing a great job. And To allow yourself to be more of the authentic you, more of that authentic parent that you know is in there that you want to be. Let her shine forth and may she bless and nourish your family. I almost said Amen right there. I am almost became a pastor. this is not religious at all whatsoever, so we're not gonna say amen. But I did just say it. Huh. It's funny. Anyway. All right, mum, I'm gonna stop talking now. Sometimes I get whew into a wave and we keep talking. All right. May you be well.