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Transcript

We Have 20 Years Left on Earth | Simon Gibson | Stand Up Comedy 🤣🤣🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:11
  SPEAKER_02: This is as high as I can kick, right here, folks.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_03: People in the back don't even know that my feet are moving at all.
• 0:17
  SPEAKER_03: I assure you, something's happening up here.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_03: We represent the love.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_03: You get it?
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_03: Fat, short.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_03: Folks!
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: It's good to be here.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_02: Columbus Ohio.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_02: You guys drinking tonight?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_02: Hell yeah.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: I'm drinking tonight, I'll tell you what.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_02: Have a few sips at the show.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_02: Have a few sips after the show.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_02: But I want each and every one of you to know that after that, I am driving for lift.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_02: Alright, I'll see you out there.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_03: Who needs the rat, baby?
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_03: Gotta get my side hustle on.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_03: You know what I'm saying?
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_03: I've been a rough couple of years.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_03: Rough couple of years!
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_02: But I'll tell you this.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: It's a little fucking tip from me to you.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_02: And then back to me.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_02: Because I need some of the tip back.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't mean to give you too much tip.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_02: Here's a little tip from me to you, though.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_02: No matter how drunk you are, you're never too drunk to drive for Lyft.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_02: You know what I'm saying?
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_02: Come on! Put a Lyft sticker in your car window.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_02: It's a license to kill.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_02: You put an Uber sticker in your car window, people are like, who's this?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: James Bond, you know?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, I got fat.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_02: There's no way around it, folks.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_02: I got fat as a hog.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_02: Pandemic was rough for me and me alone.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_02: Gained a bunch of weight.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_02: I gained, I the it went on so long that I gained weight, lost weight, and then gained more weight than ever before, you know?
• 1:53
  SPEAKER_02: And uh, you know, a lot of people made sourdough bread during the pandemic, and I ate it.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: Alright.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_02: I was the only one eating your shitty bread.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_02: But I wanted to change, you know.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: I wanted to change, folks.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: I uh wanted to get my act together, so I did.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_02: I started uh started working out, started eating right, and I that's not the joke.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: Um that's the sincere part, thank you.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_02: But I started working out, started eating right, and I'm proud to say that in the last four months I've lost damn near 30 pounds.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, come on.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_02: Have a heart, have a heart, have a heart, have a heart.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_02: It's not true at all.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_02: It's the fattest I've ever been by far.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_02: I don't even know anymore, dude.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_02: Even if I had lost 30 pounds, I was looking around and people were like, more.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_02: Um whatever you're doing, dude.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_02: Man, I was it like I gained I gained so much weight uh uh at a point in time that it started to change how I got auditions.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: Uh because I'm a big time actor, you guys know.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_02: And uh and like I wasn't even getting the auditions for like the good weight loss pills anymore.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_02: Like I wasn't getting the ones where they still had hope.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_02: You know, like the the Wagovies or the Ozempics, you know, like you know those commercials, everyone's just like, watch out, world, because here I come.
• 3:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's a brand new day.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_02: I was getting the auditions for the ones where it's like, I've got type 2 diabetes, but I managed it well.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_02: I have gotten older and my hair just fucking went gray.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: And I was like pretty insecure of that, you know.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_02: Uh and then, in an interesting turn of events, I enjoyed it.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: Uh because I don't know if we got any silver foxes in the crowd tonight.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: Any?
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_02: I'm literally looking at children in the front row.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_03: Anyone over 25, you know?
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's like these guys like they are so far in the back, it is hilarious.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, uh, you know, I was I was not expecting like how much uh some ladies like gray hair, you know.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_02: Thank you.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_02: Woo! Cut that part out, cut that out.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_02: Um but yeah, no, women women do enjoy gray hair, and I was crushing it before.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_02: You guys know me, but uh but I've never been hit on so much by just hot younger women.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_02: What a nightmare.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_02: And uh and I leaned into it, you know.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: I went out with a younger gal recently, and uh, you know, folks, I gotta be honest, it was going good.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_02: It's going great, yeah.
• 4:32
  SPEAKER_02: Went back to my place, huge place.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: One bedroom apartment.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_02: In Los Angeles.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_02: Let that sink in.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_02: I live in LA and I don't have roommates.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'm one of the most successful comedians on earth.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_02: You understand?
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_02: One bedroom apartment, no parking, no laundry, no dishwasher.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_03: Right in the middle of Mad Max Hell.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_03: I step out of my house, it's just like whoopsie.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's me getting stabbed.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, we went back to my place again, huge place, and uh, you know, folks, we're uh I don't mean to get too crass, but uh we were getting it on.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_02: Getting pretty passionate, getting pretty hot and heavy.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, hot and heavy.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_02: That's where I'm on top of her, and uh she says, hey, you're pretty hot and heavy, get off of me! I can't fucking breathe over here.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_02: Side note, what if that's what AI sounds like?
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_02: Wouldn't that be wouldn't that be just an incredible twist on the end of the world, you know?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_02: Because everyone's so worried about AI.
• 5:50
  SPEAKER_02: And uh, but like instead of AI like coming to life and having like a scary robot voice, you know, and just being like, bleep, bloop, bleep, I'm here to destroy bloop bleep, instead AI comes to life and is just like, hey, how the fuck you doing, huh?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_03: A fucking AI over here! You want me to write that email for you?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_02: So anyway, enough about that.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: Back to me, plowing.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_02: A scenario so believable that it must be told out loud.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_02: But we were, you know, back at my place, and then she starts with a dirty talk.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_02: Oh boy.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_02: And I love that shit.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: I'm a freak.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_02: And I didn't used to be a freak.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_02: I was pretty vanilla back in the day.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_02: But then I realized something, y'all.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_02: I had an epiphany, if you will.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_02: And that is uh, folks, we got like 20 years left on Earth.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: Tops, tops.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_02: Let's get no! You know what I'm saying?
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_02: Shove something up my ass.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to know what it is! Okay.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_02: I pointed at a man.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: Um, you ain't getting me here.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_02: Alright, you ain't gonna fucking get me here.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm all about that shit.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: But then she got too freaky, even for me, y'all.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_02: She called me something I never heard before.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_02: And she blurted it out in the middle of just orgasming all over the place.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: You know.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_02: I'm good at it.
• 7:33
  unknown: Okay.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: I don't care if you believe that.
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: Believe this, believe this.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_02: I am a short, fat man.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: I was born to munch box.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I'm sorry.
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_03: Fellas, if you short and fat, you better be clocking in down there.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_03: I'm fucking doubly parting nine to five down there.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_02: I'm down there, I'm just like, munching nine too fat.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_02: Trying to keep this relationship.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_02: You Pac-Man down there, I'm down there, I'm just like, I'm Mickey Mouse swearing down there, I'm just like, skid-a-la-ba, skid-a-la.
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_02: Fellas, you gotta keep a rhythm down there.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_02: I'm down there, I'm singing rockin' robin, you know.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_02: I'm down there, I'm just like, twila.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, dil-dit, twila-di-li-dip, swill-a-d-il it, racking in flittop all day long.
• 8:30
  SPEAKER_03: How many times do you want to come?
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_03: I got an eight-hour shift.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_02: So, anyway, in the middle of a life-altering experience for her and everyone here, uh she called me something I never heard before, and frankly, I was taken aback, you know?
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_02: Because it's a very polarizing thing to say to someone in the bedroom.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_02: You know, and I'm not trying to kink shame no one, you guys know me.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_02: Uh but she called it, she called me this, and uh and uh it's just one word.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's something an older man might hear from a younger gal.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_02: Um, and if you know it, just say it so I don't have to.
• 9:11
  unknown: Daddy.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_02: Daddy, thank you.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_02: Found the freaks! They are also never in the front row.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_02: They are so far in the back.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, she called me daddy.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't like it.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_02: I didn't like it one bit.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_02: When she called me daddy, I was like, Jesus Christ.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_02: That is deeply, deeply disturbing.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_02: How much it's making me come.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, whoa! Oh yeah.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_02: It was the hottest thing I've ever heard in my whole life.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_02: I've never come so hard.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_02: I might still be coming right now.
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_02: All right.
• 9:47
  SPEAKER_02: I pointed, I pointed at the same guy.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_02: Um because I've never once given off daddy vibes before, you know?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_02: Like, you guys are looking at me.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_02: I wouldn't say that I give off daddy vibes, you know?
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_02: If anything, I would say I give off baby vibes, you know?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: Like my vibe in the bedroom is I come and then I'm just like, uh-oh, spaghetti oh.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_03: Oopsie, zolly, you turned on to little babies.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_03: It's the worst thing.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: It's the worst thing I've ever said out loud.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_02: Um I used to come and then I would just start singing commercials from the 90s, you know.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_02: I'd just be like, I got the blues, craft macaroni and cheese.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_02: I'd come and then I'd do an impression of Tim Allen.
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, alright.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_02: Folks, I gotta go.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: But I'll tell you this.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_02: You've been pretty good.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_02: And I mean this, uh, I mean this from the bottom of my heart for me and everyone here.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_02: I'd just like to sincerely say, please use lift code 8792.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_02: Got a lot of driving.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_02: All right, thank you so much.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_02: Have a good night.