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Navigating Middle School Bullying: Strategies for Parents and Children · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Hello and welcome to the Talking FACS Podcast, where we share the news you
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  need to strengthen your family, your community, and our state.
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  I am your host, Mindy McCulley, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  We are housed in the Martin-Gatton College of Agriculture, Food, and Environment.
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  Bullying can happen at any age, but the middle school years can be the worst time. My guest, Dr.
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  Kerri Ashurst, Senior Extension Specialist for Family and Relationship Development,
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  is here to share with us how middle school can be a time of transition from
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  childhood to adolescence, which makes this an especially ripe time for bullying. Welcome, Kerri.
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  Hello. Thank you. So what is it that is so special about those middle school
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  years that makes them so vulnerable to bullies and bullying?
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  Right. Changes, changes, changes.
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  That's exactly right. Yes. That time of middle school, the most changes are
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  happening in their bodies and in their brains and emotions.
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  Emotions and children experience all kinds of new social dynamics with their
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  peers during those middle school years.
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  And so, there's just so much happening all at once. Emotions are up and down.
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  And, you know, old friends that they might have had in the elementary school
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  years might change. They may make new ones as they come into middle school.
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  And they might change their social circles as they enter or exit new things,
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  such as a new sport or a new group that they might be a part of through school or outside of school.
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  And they might feel like they don't quite fit into any groups or alliances that are being formed.
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  Or even if they do, those alliances and those groups can change very quickly as well.
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  So that idea of social hierarchy, I think, is a really big piece of middle school.
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  And that idea that your opinions of your peers just take on so much importance during those years.
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  Yeah. And not only does it peak during those years, but there are also these
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  different ways that middle schoolers can be bullied.
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  So what are the types of bullying that we see happening during the middle school years?
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  Yeah, I think one of the biggest ones we think of immediately is just the idea
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  of physical, the more outward, you know, being pushed or shoved,
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  punched or tripped or even being spit on or being made to do something you don't want to do.
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  You know, we see a lot of that in movies and shows even and different things.
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  So that one's, I think, the most obvious and the first one we sometimes think about.
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  And then verbal, which can be things like being the subject of a rumor or somebody
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  taunting you or calling you names, being threatened by someone or receiving
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  offensive notes or gestures from someone.
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  And then another one I think we've heard a lot about in more recent years is
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  cyberbullying, that idea of sending or sharing private or negative or harmful
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  content about someone else,
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  or posting derogatory comments or embarrassing images out there in the public
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  sphere to peers and online,
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  or even posting threatening or cruel commentary or videos on social media about someone. one.
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  And then, you know, some of the ones we may not think about it as much can be
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  things like damage, somebody damaging or vandalizing your property on purpose,
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  like destroying your clothing or destroying your belongings like a textbook
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  at school or dropping your phone on purpose and breaking your phone or destroying
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  jewelry or other things like that.
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  Damage can be another way that someone can bully.
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  And then finally, relational, you know, that idea of being excluded from activities
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  on purpose or isolating someone from their peers, ignoring them on purpose or
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  intentionally harming their reputation.
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  And unfortunately, bullying is just one way that's very common during all of
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  those social years and puberty years with middle school that adolescents exclude
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  peers from their groups or activities.
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  Well, and as you talked through all of these different types,
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  I have memories in my mind of when my children were young and when I was young,
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  the thread that I kept feeling was, you know, we didn't have this cyberbullying
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  to deal with that kids have to deal with today because we didn't have that online presence so much.
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  We didn't have phones attached to our bodies every moment of the day that kids have today.
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  So everything that we might have had to deal with is exacerbated. Very true.
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  And that's sad and scary, both for parents, I'm sure. Yes, yes. Yes.
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  So sometimes bullying might start slowly and then it just blossoms and blooms and grows overnight.
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  So what are some of the warning signs that a middle school child might be getting
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  bullied that parents need to watch out for?
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  Yeah, I get this question a lot. And I also get asked the question of how many
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  kids out there are being bullied.
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  And in some ways, the answer at the end of the day is we just don't really know,
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  right? Probably all of them in some way, right? Right?
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  There's a lot of resources out there on bullying. There's a lot of things that self-report.
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  And so it's people like you and me who are now older talking about,
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  well, I remember when dot, dot, dot, you know, remember this happening to me.
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  And even the warning signs, it's important to remember that there may be no
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  warning signs at all for one child, but then there may be some very obvious
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  and outward things for another child that can look differently.
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  And we just don't quite always know. But some of the warning signs that can
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  be more obvious are things like unexplainable injuries, destroyed clothing or electronics,
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  or some things like illness symptoms, like frequent headaches or stomach aches,
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  or a child frequently stating they feel sick, or even faking an illness.
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  And some can have to do with changes from what's normal for that child.
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  So we're not talking about norms as a middle school group overall. all.
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  We're just talking about what is normal for that particular child,
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  like changes in an eating habit, suddenly skipping meals or binge eating,
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  difficulty sleeping, more frequent nightmares, declining grades.
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  All of those can be some examples of things that are a change from what that child's norm might be.
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  And then some might even be a marked change in interest, like a loss in interest
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  in schoolwork with someone who had loved school before or somebody who absolutely
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  loves a particular sport or hobby and suddenly wanting to quit it.
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  Or even a sudden shift in friendship circles.
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  And then, you know, some final warning signs I can think of,
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  Mindy, might be some really worrisome ones like a child not wanting to even
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  go to school at all or refusing to go to school,
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  avoidance of all social situations, or a feeling of really decreased self-esteem or helplessness,
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  or even some self-destructive thoughts or behaviors like like wanting to run
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  away or wanting to harm themselves or talking about suicide.
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  So what can adults do to help?
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  I think the biggest thing that comes to mind immediately for me is just encouraging
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  children to talk openly about these things, asking the questions and letting
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  them take it where they want, right?
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  Not being afraid to ask, because I think as adults, sometimes our own discomfort
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  rubs off on our children.
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  When we're uncomfortable with a topic, then we make it uncomfortable for them.
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  But just encouraging them to talk very openly.
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  It can be such a relief sometimes to admit out loud that something is happening and to feel supported.
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  And I know one thing that I struggle
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  with sometimes as a mom of a middle schooler myself is I
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  want to fix and sometimes I have to remember to just
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  listen and nothing more and learn what's going on and focus on them and then
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  offer to help where I can but also remember that I'm not trying to fix it here
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  as parents sometimes it can be frustrating when our own children won't talk to us.
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  But notice I said, what can adults do to help?
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  Because it is important for children to have trusted adults to talk to.
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  And it might be that it's not their parent that they're talking to,
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  but as long as they have an adult that they are confiding in and that parent
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  is open and communicating with that other adult,
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  then that is a great resource, right?
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  Oh, that is such a good point because any adult can ask what can be done to
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  make a child feel safe when they express that they're being bullied.
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  And so that is so important. It doesn't have to be a parent. It can be any adult.
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  And any adult can assure them that bullying is not their fault and not blame them for being bullied.
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  And I think one thing that's important there is sometimes we might see something
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  that almost looks like a child is provoking the bullying.
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  It's important to remember that no one deserves to be bullied.
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  Sometimes what might look like provoking can be a learned response to something
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  they're already going through in their lives, or it can be an attempt to defend
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  oneself or a way to get ahead of it.
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  If I go ahead and provoke this person that's been bullying me into doing something,
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  then I get it done and over with instead of waiting for hours or days,
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  kind of walking on eggshells and wondering when it's going to happen next,
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  right? worrying about how bad it's going to be.
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  Exactly. And so, yeah, I think the important thing that you brought up that
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  I love is that idea that anybody as an adult can do things to help.
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  That can sometimes be very simple, just simply listening and being present in
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  the moment, being that trusted person and not singling them out.
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  I think that's important too, that sometimes we want to have them share something
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  and then maybe go to another child and confront them about what's happening.
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  But you don't want to single out a kid that's going through any of these experiences.
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  And you also don't really want to label. You know, that's hard to not do sometimes,
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  but not labeling a child as the bully or the victim.
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  And it's oftentimes the bully needs that trusted adult to talk to just as much
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  as the child who is being bullied.
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  Because it could be that they're experiencing something that they really need
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  to talk about as well. Right.
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  As adults, we can help a middle school child who is being bullied develop a plan.
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  What should be included in this plan?
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  Sure. And I think that's kind of where we do get to the, you know,
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  helping a child and listening to them non-judgmentally.
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  But if they're wanting to try to come up with some strategies,
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  we can help them with that personal plan that fits them.
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  And it's not a cookie cutter thing there. You know, what might work for one
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  child might not work for another child.
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  But some ideas can include things like avoiding unsafe places,
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  walking away before a bullying encounter might occur, her, making sure that
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  they're with others whenever they're going to encounter someone who has bullied them.
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  Even things like have them practicing remaining calm as possible,
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  especially on the outside when bullying occurs, because showing emotions can
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  sometimes embolden that person who is bullying them.
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  And just reminding them that it's okay to ask for help.
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  Helping them think through who they can go to, who are those other trusted adults
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  at school or at a sport or church group or wherever they might be that they
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  can find who those people are and identify them.
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  And it doesn't have to be an adult sometimes either. It can be a friend or a
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  classmate that they know that they can go to that they can trust and thinking through some of that.
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  And then even talking with the school to discuss steps that are taken when someone
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  is being bullied and what are
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  some of the limitations because I think there's a lot of blame sometimes
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  for schools, but a lot of times there are very strong limitations as to what
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  can or cannot be done based on policies and laws out there.
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  So really talking with the school and having good communication about some of that.
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  And then finally, I think about documenting when things can get really bad,
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  especially when you think about cyberbullying and some of the things you said
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  that it's ever present these days for our youth,
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  that keeping a record of what is happening and where can be important,
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  including screenshots or harmful posts or content whenever possible,
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  because most laws and policies note that bullying is a repeated behavior.
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  And so record keeping can help to document some of it.
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  And you know when something is extreme we
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  might need to go and report it to the police if there's a
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  potential crime or illegal behavior that has occurred and so
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  helping kids to understand that it's okay to ask for help it's okay to think
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  through some of this and who those trusted people are and when those unsafe
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  places and situations are and
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  then just blocking and getting off some of those devices sometimes too.
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  Blocking or reporting, using those things that are in place with an app or a
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  game, contacting a social media platform and talking to them about that.
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  But learning when to unplug can be really important too.
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  I love that you mentioned that because Dr. Weisenhorn, our child development
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  specialist, and I have actually talked about unplugging on a previous podcast.
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  So that might be something that we'll link in the show notes.
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  I know that bullying can be a difficult thing to experience because,
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  as we mentioned, I've lived through it with my children.
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  So thank you for sharing ideas about why middle school can be an especially
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  vulnerable time for our children and also for our parents.
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  Because it does make us feel just a little bit weak in the knees when we think
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  about what our children are going through and how we as parents have to deal with those things.
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  So, these things to watch for and then also arming us with ideas for positive
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  and proactive approaches, definitely going to be a great thing to put in our toolbox.
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  Thank you very much for having me on this topic.
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  Music.