Latest / Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud / S3 Ep14: Southern Fried Surprises with Anjelah Johnson-Reyes 🤣.

Transcript

S3 Ep14: Southern Fried Surprises with Anjelah Johnson-Reyes 🤣. · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Learning a lot being a California girl living in the South because it's different here.
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: I've learned when I go to a restaurant, if I order an iced tea, it automatically comes with three pounds of sugar in it.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all call that sweet tea.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: We call it diabetes.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Learning a lot.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Very simple things.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: Like when I'm in Los Angeles, if I go to a store and they're like, can I help you find anything?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, I'm okay.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm feeling really friendly that day, I'm like, I'm okay, thanks.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's it.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: That's where it ends.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: Then I got to Nashville.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: I'm at TJ Maxx one day.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can hear the ladies in the row next to me.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Can I help you find anything?
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm alright, but thank you so much for asking.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: It's my pleasure.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: It's a beautiful day outside.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, it is, but they say it's gonna rain about three o'clock.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you get home before the traffic is gonna be a mess.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_00: Bless your heart.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, ooh, I don't know if I have energy for the sound.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know how to do it.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: Like, who stops talking first?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: Then I look around the corner and neither one of them even work there.
• 1:56
  SPEAKER_00: And then somebody told me this.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: They were like, hey, when people say bless your heart, they can mean it in a good way or a bad way.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, what?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how do you do a bad bless?
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, no, trust me, sometimes that's not what they mean.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: So now, anytime somebody tells me, bless your heart, just to be safe, I reply with, bless your heart.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I wish you would, bless my heart.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Bless it again.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's kind of like the old fighting words at church.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'ma pray for you.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's funny, because I'm already praying for you.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: Ah, you been on my prayer wall.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: About to lay hands on you too, Santa Woman.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: Learning a lot.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: When we first got to Nashville, we were trying to figure out what part of the city we wanted to live in.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: Like, where do we fit in?
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_00: Where do we vibe with?
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: Finding out this county has good schools, this county doesn't.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: This county believes in COVID, this county doesn't.
• 3:50
  SPEAKER_00: Where do we fit?
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_00: And I would tell my friends, I'd be like, hey, I want to live somewhere where I could get a lot of land.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, okay, you want to head south.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like, okay, cool.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Coo, coo, coo, cool.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: But I also don't want my neighbor to be racist, so how far south?
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: You know what I mean?
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: Like, are we talking Franklin or Pulaski?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: Like, how far?
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because when you get to the deep, deep South, it's scary.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: I've seen movies.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not trying to do that.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, if they have a TJ Maxx there, I will pray about it.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm a good neighbor.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Like State Farm, I'm there.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: I love my neighbors.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: I'm the one that has everybody's phone number.
• 4:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if I haven't seen you in a while, I will send you a text.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Are you good?
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Do I need to do a welfare check?
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I got your back.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: Because I love my neighbors.
• 4:57
  SPEAKER_00: Every holiday season, I'm gonna get my neighbors a gift.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: Not the whole neighborhood, just the houses I can see from a front window.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Because I love my neighbors as long as they love me.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I know that's not how the Bible verse goes.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: But that is my interpretation.
• 5:16
  SPEAKER_00: This is not the new King James version.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: This is a new Queen Angela version.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: This is Angela 514.
• 5:29
  SPEAKER_00: Do unto me as you want to get done.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: That's how you say amen in my Bible.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: You could come to my Bible study.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's on Tuesdays.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Learning a lot.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_00: One thing I learned right out the gate is allergies are a whole different beast in the South.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: Because when I live in Los Angeles, we don't really get all the seasons.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: We get summer and fire.
• 6:11
  SPEAKER_00: So Zyrtek works just fine there.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: Then I get here, come to find out Zyrtek lost their subscription or something.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: It did not work.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: One day I went to pour the Zyrtek pill in my hand and the wind just blew it off.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: It was like, don't bother.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: It's so fun waking up every morning playing COVID or allergies.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: You guys know that game?
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Where you wake up in the morning and your sinuses are doing a weird thing, and you're like, wait a minute, hold on.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_00: Am I dying or did I have dairy?
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: Can I taste anything?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Give me some peanut butter, can I taste?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: I was actually really lucky.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: For the first two years, I did not get COVID at all.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then earlier this year, she got me lo.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: She gets around that one.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: At this point, I know more people who have had it than who have not had it.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_00: I know people who've had it with no symptoms whatsoever.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I know people personally who have passed away from it.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: So my heart goes out to anybody here who has lost somebody from COVID.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I've been tested for it many times.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: And the first time I got tested, my friends tried to warn me about it.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: They were like, yo, it's intense.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: And it actually wasn't that bad.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Probably because they let me do it myself.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, they gave me the Q tip.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And they're like, okay, you want to go all the way in your sinuses.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, okay.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: How about I just put it in my nostril and I wiggle it a lot?
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: Can you test boogers?
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: I'll give you some of those.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: The second time I got COVID tested, the nurse did it, and he went all the way up in there to where like my eyelids started closing.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, whoa, you're manually closing my eyelid.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, it's not that far up there.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, nah, bro, you're in my brain.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_00: Like, you're giving basic commands at this point.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Like, if I punch you, it's not my fault.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_00: You did it.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_00: He's like, well, I'm sorry.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, no, no, no, don't apologize.
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: Just while you're up there, do you mind scraping out some of my childhood trauma?
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: That'd be great.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: Could you imagine if that was a real option?
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Your childhood trauma scraped out with a COVID test.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: You'd catch me at the CVS pharmacy drive-thru like once a week.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: They're like, can we help you?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Hi, I'm here for my COVID test.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_00: Also, when I was eight, my mom forgot me at the store.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: Another thing I've learned about living in the South is the bugs are bigger.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all got some Nashville geographic stuff happening here.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: Like in California, we have bugs, but our bugs are killed.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Then I get to Nashville.
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: I went to get in my shower one morning.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: There was a spider in my shower.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Now, this spider was so big.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: I thought I was interrupting him.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: I did.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: I went to open the shower curtain.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know anybody was in here.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: My bad.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: He was big and he was furry too.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I didn't know if I should brush it or smush it.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't know.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: He was so furry he had dander.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: I need my Zyrtek pill just for the spider dander.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, sir, the head and shoulders is right there.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Help yourself.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: If I ever have to kill a spider that big, I am morally conflicted.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because at that point, that's a pet.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: Put a collar on that thing, that's Bubba.
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Bubba had plans that day.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: He was just getting started, he's in a shower.
• 10:39
  SPEAKER_00: That's messed up.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: If you ever have to kill a spider that big, you could hear the crunch.
• 10:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if you hear the crunch, you know that thing had a soul.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: That's messed up.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I used to kill any spider or bug that was around because I don't like bugs at all.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: But over the past couple years, I have this newfound respect for nature and insects.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: So now if I ever see a spider in my house, what I like to do is scoop it up in a container, take it outside, throw it in a bush, and then immediately go like this.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: But if I'm left with no choice and I have to kill a spider, I now like to start with an apology.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, sir.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: I know you weren't expecting this today.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: I'll be honest, neither was I.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: Truth is, I don't know you, but you could be poisonous and you could kill me.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: So at this point, it's either me or you.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: And I have chosen you.