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What to do When my Child Lies · Talking FACS

0:01
Welcome to talking facts.
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What you need to know about family,
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food,
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finance and fitness.
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This nationally recognized award winning podcast is hosted by the University of Kentucky Family and consumer sciences extension program.
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Our educators share research knowledge with individuals,
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families and communities to improve quality of life.
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Hello and welcome to talking facts.
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This is your host,
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Dr jennifer Hunter,
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assistant director for family Consumer sciences extension at the University of Kentucky.
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Today.
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I'm pleased to be joined by Dr David Watson Horn,
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our senior extension specialist for parenting and child development.
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Welcome David,
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Thank you.
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It's good to be here.
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Alright,
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Today's topic is going to be a good one,
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especially for all those parents listening out there of what to do if my child lies.
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As soon as she said,
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here's our topic for today,
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I just kind of laughed and you know this a little bit about me,
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David,
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As I'm a rule follower.
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If there is a rule,
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I do it,
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I have an extremely guilty conscience.
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So my mom always said growing up that she knew I would not lie and I wouldn't,
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but she said that I wouldn't always give the full truth.
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But if she directly asked the question,
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she knew whatever I was answering was the truth that sometimes I just withheld until she asked these specific question that she needed to answer truth.
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And that's very,
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very true because I felt like,
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well she didn't ask me that.
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So I don't necessarily need to give her that information,
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but I wouldn't know why I've always thought that was funny and I can see that in my oldest as well as he kind of has that guilty conscious as well.
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Now I think he's more forthcoming with information because he doesn't always think through like,
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oh,
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if I tell her this um you know,
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so he he kind of he's more free with information than what I was,
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but I can tell he does have that that just it eats at him if he doesn't kind of come out with it.
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Now,
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our little girl,
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she does not.
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I mean,
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and this is where I'm gonna ask,
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like,
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are there differences in the types of lies?
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Because she's a little like,
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I'll say,
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have we brushed your teeth this morning?
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And she'll say yes,
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I brushed my teeth.
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And sometimes I'm like,
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she really brushed her teeth or not,
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you know?
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And sometimes I think she just tells me every morning she's brushed her teeth and there's been a time or two.
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I know she hasn't brushed her teeth.
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I don't think she really processes.
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That is a lie.
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She's just thinking,
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I don't want to go back upstairs and brush my teeth.
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Right?
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So we got a lot to unpack about lies.
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And it probably has to deal with more than my childhood and my Children.
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So you kick us off with what do you think our listeners need to know about Wallace?
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I'm laughing over here.
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This is great.
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I was thinking to myself when you started talking about your first time.
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I said,
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man,
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she she needs a liar in her life,
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right?
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Like that.
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My I've got to and I've got a very similar to your Children.
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A lot of the topics that I speak on on this podcast,
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and really just in my day to day work are are based on the things that I experienced in my household.
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So by no,
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by coming without experience in here having a child that uh commonly wants to stretch the truth if we want to say that.
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But it's but that's the point of it.
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And I want to start there is that it's very common,
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first of all for young Children to lie.
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So first of all,
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the title should be what should I do when my child not because it's gonna happen right?
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You know,
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it's one of those things and I mean not only is it common for Children to lie?
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Heck,
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it's common for adults to lie.
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And so understanding why Children like can help us as parents to better handle when they do right.
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So one reason that young Children lies because they're beginning to understand the things of the world and a dichotomy that's this right and wrong.
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And that oftentimes puts them into one of two categories,
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which is good or bad and a lot of times Children do not want to see themselves as bad.
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And so they will oftentimes lie,
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which is the simple understanding that what they're wanting to do is to be a good person.
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And so there's a child psychologist by the name of john p Ij many,
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many of you may have heard this name at least once in a lifetime.
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And he studied child development and he proposed that Children cannot mentally manipulate information until around the age of eight or older.
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So in other words,
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what he was saying is,
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Children do not lie with the intent to mislead or or to be mischievous,
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but rather to avoid punishment or or disapproval from their parents.
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So that's kind of one train of thought,
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Go ahead.
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Yeah,
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well,
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I was just gonna say,
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I think with our daughter that that that right there,
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what you just said disapproval,
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she she's a pleaser and she does not want to disappoint anyone.
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And you know,
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even even with the brushing of the teeth,
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you know,
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sometimes I think it's she doesn't want to walk back upstairs and brush your teeth.
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But I also at times think she doesn't want to disappoint me because she knows that the expectation is that she brushes her teeth that she doesn't want to feel like she didn't meet my expectation and doesn't want to disappoint me.
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And there's even been times that I know she's told me she's brushed her teeth and then she's gone back upstairs and brush them,
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you know,
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trying to without me knowing,
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quote unquote because I'm certain it was she did not want to disappoint me,
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that she didn't meet the expectations.
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The parental disapproval is something that really hurts young Children.
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And as a parent,
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this was really freedom for me to just share what I shared with you when,
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when I gain that knowledge,
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I have an eight year old boy and he lies,
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it seems like all the time to me and,
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and I can't quite understand why and I like you.
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I really have a high expectation of honesty and,
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and I really worked my life to do that to,
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to try and be an honest person and all things that I do.
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And so I want that instilled in my Children as well.
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And so having a child that tells me all sorts of,
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of tales can feel frustrating because my fear becomes,
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I don't want this to become a habit.
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So if I have parents out there that are hearing this and they,
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they,
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they have a child that is continually to tell them or stretch the truth or tell them lies,
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I want to remind them that.
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I think it is the underlying issue of what we're talking about,
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jennifer is that they do not want the parental disapproval.
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They are working hard to be good.
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And a matter of fact last night I had this conversation with my son and I told him,
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I,
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he,
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I said,
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hey,
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making bad choices doesn't make you bad.
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And he stopped and he said what really?
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Dad?
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And I was like,
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well,
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yeah,
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sure.
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I said,
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everybody makes mistakes.
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Like we,
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we oftentimes don't always know what full of understanding of what we're choosing to do,
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but we can make bad choices,
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but that doesn't inherently make us bad.
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And what I watched him stop and process that for whatever small process he has the ability,
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but it really keeps me into what we're talking about right now is like was right like,
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yeah,
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it was awesome.
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It's my own little home experience.
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And so that's one set and,
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and we may have listeners listening right now that say,
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okay,
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well that's great.
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But I don't have an eight year old.
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I've got an 18 year old.
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So I was getting ready to ask that question of,
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You know,
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when we move past,
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you know what we call stretching the truth or the white lies or,
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or you know,
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whatever that may be,
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that kind of little kiddos do,
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when does this become a concern and how do we handle it?
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And what if it is my 18 year old?
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Well there,
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so there are two other researchers by the name of doctors forehand and long and they said that they feel like a lot of Children's lives typically fall into two categories.
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There either a tall tale,
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which we probably all know what that is,
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is like they typically exaggerated experience that possibly captures what the child wishes would have happened.
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Right.
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This type of lie off.
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Oftentimes is the child's inability to tell the difference between their own imagination and what really happened like that statement capturing what the child wishes has had happened.
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That's a good statement.
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For instance,
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I'll give you an example that my son again with his best buddy lives four or five houses down and so he came running home one day and he was all winded when he got in.
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I said everything okay And he said dad,
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oh gosh,
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you know,
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he's like these people were chasing me.
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I'm pretty sure they were gonna kill me.
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And I'm like,
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we don't live in that we live in a very nice neighborhood,
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hardly anybody comes down the neighbor down the street.
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So this idea of like people chasing him and,
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and and probably gonna kill him was far from the truth.
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And so one of the things as a parent we can do is try to hear what they're saying and insert some some reality back into that statement was like,
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wow,
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well I'm glad you ran fast.
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I'm glad that you felt when you felt scared that you were,
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you knew what to do.
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But I said,
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I doubt anybody's trying to hurt you buddy.
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And and so that whole idea of just trying to reframe what's happening kind of helps that tall tale piece.
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But then the second part,
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the second category is that avoid or gain and now we're starting to see maybe the bit of a difference when it comes to,
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to maybe older child.
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So the second type is one,
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they're either going to avoid something or you're trying to avoid it or they're trying to get something right.
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So I got a few pointers that we can talk about as to what might help when addressing the Children are Children after they've told a lie that they told her that are in that,
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does that sound?
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Do you have questions before you do that?
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Okay.
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So the first thing is what we all what what I learned and maybe some of you learned to in the first aid setting,
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right?
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When there's a crisis,
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the first thing you do is stay calm.
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So that's it.
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Parents will stay calm.
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Stay calm.
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It's okay.
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Don't freak out.
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Like don't,
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don't fly off the handle.
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It's important to stay calm.
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Salute your child notes that you can calmly let them know that lying is wrong and it's not going to be accepted in the household.
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But you want to avoid calling them telling like avoid calling them a liar.
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You don't want to shame them too much.
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Be sure that if you are like me,
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these explanations can get lengthy.
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So don't,
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don't,
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don't go long.
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Keep it simple,
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right?
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Just let them know.
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Hey,
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we don't do that.
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One or two sentences are usually suffice and you simply say,
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hey telling the truth is important and that's what we do.
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So you first you do that.
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The second thing,
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which I kind of jumped the gun on is to avoid the shaming,
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right?
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So it's important that if if if if that child is lying that they know they already feel shame.
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They're already feeling shaming with something.
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So shame is what they're carrying.
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So for us to continue to tell them they're a bad kid or don't do that.
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It furthers that shame and ultimately could damage your relationship.
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So letting them know you're disappointed in their behavior is appropriate,
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but do not call him or her a liar.
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The third thing I would mention is that we should celebrate truth and I I know I've said this on some other had a,
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I had a catch your child doing good campaign that I was trying to get started in a lot of households and just this idea of instead of pointing out the things that they do wrong,
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we need to celebrate the things that they do right because that's possibly more so much more important.
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Right?
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A lot of pet owners know this like positive reinforcement with animals is the most appropriate way to train in the quickest way to get them to do the right thing.
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It's very similar with Children.
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So be aware that when your child tells the truth celebrated Children are more likely to repeat a positively rewarded behavior in acknowledging the difficulty of child experiences and telling the truth and express your gratitude and your pride because he or she chose to be honest.
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And one of the things that you could do there perhaps,
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and it's up to the parent to do this is to maybe reduce the consequence or provide a second try.
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So I know it's been difficult when I've caught my Children and said,
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hey,
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listen,
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I know that I know you did this and then they came back and said,
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dad,
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I lied,
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I'm sorry.
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It's easy for me to,
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it would be easy for me to kind of nail them down and double down just hand it to them.
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But the reality is,
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is once they've acknowledged that they've come back and honestly confessed it,
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it could be a really benefit.
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It could be a big benefit to just you want to reinforce the positive behavior that they just demonstrated.
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Yeah.
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Even if what they did was wrong when they tell the truth,
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sometimes we can reduce the sentence.
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So that's part of that celebration of truth.
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The 4th thing I'll share is to be consistent as with most parenting practices,
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consistency is a great educator.
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So handling a child's dishonesty can be difficult and can even provoke a parent to anger,
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but having a consistent consequence can alleviate emotional response that may get out of control.
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So thinking through this parents prior to the lie,
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Thinking about what consequences are.
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This is also good in doing this in your home.
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When you talk about what the rules are,
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if one of those is being honest and and telling the truth,
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then we need to maybe preemptively decide what that consequence would be before it actually happens.
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And this is good practice when it comes to really most of the things that we expect of our Children,
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if those expectations are clear prior and and beforehand it reduces a lot of that emotional blowups that can happen in the,
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you know,
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the threats to to ground them for the rest of their life.
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Kind of deal.
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So consistency is key.
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And then the last thing and uh people are gonna be like,
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oh,
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they're gonna I roll,
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I could,
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I could almost hear them,
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but it's it's be the model.
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We've all lied.
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We may even tell little white lies from time to time throughout life.
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Maybe it's simple smudging of our age or stretching the truth on how hard we worked to prepare dinner.
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Yeah,
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I mean,
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my daughter may think that I'm 26 years old and then I never get any older every year on my birthday.
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We just celebrate 26 every year.
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Yeah,
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absolutely.
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So,
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I'm telling you.
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So,
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telling your child that you two have lied can be helpful by reducing the shame.
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But more importantly,
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modeling honesty and avoiding white lies has a very major impact on Children and can really be beneficial in their attempt to curb wine.
14:40
Yeah.
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You know,
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David,
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I want to circle back one thing you said about remaining calm.
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I've noticed that as we have navigated through the teenage years and,
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you know,
14:50
everybody's teenager is completely different.
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But that's been one thing that I have constantly told myself of,
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whatever comes out of his mouth,
14:59
be calm first,
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you know,
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to to really kind of no matter how panicked or upset or whatever it may be,
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is to try and respond calmly first because that first reaction really,
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really sticks with them and when he'll go to activities or whatever,
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his friends always kind of laugh at this.
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But you know,
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especially just in public.
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And there's another group of boys around,
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you know,
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kind of when when I leave,
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I kind of always say,
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you know,
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don't do anything stupid today.
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Um which is really my way of saying,
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I love you,
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but but I'm not gonna say that in front of his friends and he knows that's what it means to like don't do anything stupid today.
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But also I want it to be like the last thing in his head of I told her I wouldn't do anything stupid today,
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but I'll tell you a real,
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a real quick story because I know we we don't want to get too long on these,
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but he does a lot of camping and backpacking and he had gone on a on a backpacking trip.
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I got a text from him at 12:30 AM one time that said,
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I've done something stupid.
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And so I was asleep when the text came and that was it.
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That was all he said.
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So then like it's six o'clock in the morning when I see the text.
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You know it's this it's probably good that he was out sleeping somewhere else because it's this panic you know that just sits in so I'm like texting him back at six a.m. Of course he's asleep you know and I had to take a step back long enough to say okay he's alive because he texted me right and it's but you know so now now we have the I greatly and that was when I saw him and I did get a hold of him on text before I saw him but I said you I need to know what you did before I find out what you did Yeah you know and so he came clean but I felt like I had some time to prepare because he had sent me that text that the whole time I was saying whatever it is you're just gonna be calm,
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you're gonna be calm,
16:59
you're calm,
17:00
you're gonna be com um stupid things in your head could just be as long as your leg right.
17:07
Exactly well and then I mean and what he had done was stupid but it wasn't near what I had dreamed up in my head.
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So now we have the I said I truly appreciate you texting me to tell me that you had done something stupid if I do not respond and it is the middle of the night,
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please follow up with a text that says I am fine.
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My friends are fine,
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No one's in jail.
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Like give me some details.
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So until I get ahold of you,
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like I'm not just well kudos staying calm and that you know what and that's to to a lot of the parents that are listening that is such a critical piece and and difficult.
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So I will not make it sound as if that is easy.
17:53
That is not an easy thing to do.
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Now I was not calm to my husband like I was like,
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you know,
17:59
but to him,
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to him it was the calmness that that he's all behind the scenes.
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There was no calmness.
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David Well and that calmness can really,
18:08
the thing about it that and why it's so good is that you can really reduce the defenses of your child,
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especially if you have a teenager.
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One of those things,
18:16
those resistant pieces like when I press on you,
18:19
you naturally press back,
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that's just kind of what we do naturally.
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It's the way we're built and so to press in and then start really getting angry and blow up.
18:28
Oftentimes clauses an explosion from the other side.
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So that being calm sometimes sitting down with that and reducing their size like that,
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putting them above you even can really throw them off the key so it can really keep them keep them off balance a little bit.
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And I know that sounds like we're jockeying for for position here,
18:48
but that really helps in that conversation of reducing your size,
18:52
reducing uh your voice helping,
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reduce your breathing and your heart rate.
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All of that can help you from making dire mistake.
19:00
So yes.
19:01
What a great example of staying calm and we can talk more about that.
19:05
But we won't on this.
19:07
We won't because because you know,
19:08
they're already gonna edit us down there waving our time period.
19:13
David,
19:13
thanks so much for joining us today.
19:16
Thank you so much for having me.
19:17
It's always fun.
19:19
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