Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #93: Sticking to the Plan When Your Adult Child Refuses to Change

Transcript

#93: Sticking to the Plan When Your Adult Child Refuses to Change · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch, the podcast for parents with older kids in their 20s and 30s who are struggling.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: If this is your first time here, I'm so pleased that you found Launch.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: And if you've been listening for a while, I love that you're so committed to learning everything you can about helping your adult child and wanting to build a better relationship with them.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are in this journey, I know you'll find helpful suggestions and nuggets of wisdom because of the amazing guests that joined me here on launch.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, though, it's just me because there are things I want to talk about that don't require a guest.
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_00: This is one of those episodes.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: Today I want to share some insight that I think may be helpful in your journey toward change.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: Recently, I did a free masterclass, and what I love most about doing those are the conversations that I get to have with parents afterwards about their adult child, what's going on in the home, and with their relationships.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: This episode is about what I've learned from those recent discussions.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Every parent knows that change is necessary.
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_00: Every parent I speak to is ready, more than ready, actually fed up and deeply concerned that if they don't step in, progress will continue to stall with no end in sight.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: And it's true, nothing will change unless you take action.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: When we talk about what their biggest fears are, what's holding them back from making those changes, there are three common concerns that get in the way.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: First, many feel that their adult children are fragile.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: They worry that putting too much pressure might push them over the edge.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you're truly concerned about the fragility of your adult child's mental health to the degree that you think that they can't handle real life, then I beg you to bring them to a psychiatrist for an evaluation and possibly medication.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: No one should suffer like that.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I won't work with families with adult children who are not managing their mental health effectively.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: So if yours is struggling with depression but refuses to speak to a professional and follow a treatment plan if necessary, they might be in such a dark place they don't see the point of going.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't ever let their depression go untreated.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: For other young adults who are just feeling down occasionally, it makes perfect sense.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: They're living in isolation, without real life friends, lacking fresh air, physical activity, and proper nutrition.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: That lifestyle would impact any human being's mood, even an animal.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: So those melancholy mood swings are exactly why change is needed.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Another fear that prevents parents from upsetting the Apple cart is what if making these changes damages our relationship?
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: What if my adult child becomes so angry that they stop speaking to me?
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I understand why that would scare you, but I want you to keep this in mind.
• 3:18
  SPEAKER_00: Estrangement is a complicated process.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't happen simply because a parent asks an adult child to become more responsible, sets realistic expectations, or makes modifications to the way they've been providing financial support.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_00: When estrangement does occur, there are much deeper relational dynamics involved.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_00: And even if they stop talking to you for a little while, that doesn't mean the relationship is over.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_00: They're upset because change is uncomfortable for them and they're afraid of what is going to happen once they step out into the world again.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: So don't automatically interpret their anger, withdrawal, or resistance as I've damaged our relationship.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, in fact, most often, it's simply a reaction to something that feels very scary from what they've known for so long.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: And the third concern I've heard from parents who are ready to get started but are holding back is that they fear their adult child will flat out refuse any change to their current lifestyle.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: These acts of defiance are so hard for parents that it renders them helpless and powerless.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_00: That's what I want to spend a few minutes addressing.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Understanding how you can make these changes stick without backing down.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: This is so important because if you set new boundaries, create a list of expectations and changes to the financial arrangement, and then you cannot tolerate your adult child's reactions, you will probably, in fact, most definitely, quit.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: For many parents, this cycle has been ongoing.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_00: My work is not just helping you put those changes in place, but to prepare you for what comes after, the pushback, their reactions, and how to manage your own.
• 5:11
  SPEAKER_00: If you've never tried to make changes before, I'll warn you now, this is typically how an adult child in this situation will respond.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: They might get angry and argue, shut down and ignore you, refuse to participate, make you feel guilty, blame you, accuse you of not loving them, become emotionally dysregulated, or promise to try harder, but that never lasts.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Not one of those responses tells you that you've made the wrong decision.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Their reaction is an indication that they're anticipating the change, which is the unknown, and that makes them terribly uncomfortable.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: Also, the change is coming from you, not them, which is something you really don't like.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: There are three steps to this process, and of course they won't happen overnight.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: But the first step is preparing to change the way you're going to parent them.
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: The second is changing the conditions in their home or their environment.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: And the third step is managing how you're going to respond.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: That's the most important one.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot prevent your adult child from having a reaction.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's guaranteed.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: What you need to do is to be prepared for it so you don't jump ship when shit starts to get real.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: Learning how to handle the myriad of reactions without you backing down, overreacting, or slipping into old habits is where a lot of the work is done.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: Success happens when you are prepared.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not just about knowing what to say, which is important, it's about understanding what their reactions mean and how to stay steady when they are pushing back.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: And since every family is different, it's not a one-size-fits-all approach.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: So as I wrap up this mini episode, I want to leave you with this.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult child's reaction is not the problem.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And your job isn't to make sure they're happy during this time.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's to be prepared for it before you begin setting new boundaries, new expectations, new arrangements, and new consequences for them.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: Don't start this process until you're fully prepared.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: And once you are, your adult child's reactions no longer become the reason you back off, give up, give in, or rush in to make everything better.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: Because you'll be ready for it.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: It's like knowing your tornado is coming.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: You brace yourself, you secure the windows, hunker down, and deal with it until it passes.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_00: And it will.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: Remember when they were little and had temper tantrums?
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: You couldn't make the meltdown stop.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: You just learn to ride it out by managing how you respond.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the biggest takeaway today.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Your adult child's reaction is theirs to have.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: Your response to it is yours to manage.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is launch.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Registration for the next free launch masterclass is open if you're interested.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_00: The link is simply parentingfx.com forward slash register, or you can always grab the link in the show notes.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another parent who might need to hear it.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_00: Remember to hit the follow button so you never miss an episode.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And if you love listening to launch, leaving a five star review or comment helps other parents to find us.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here from wherever that may be.