Latest / Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler / Night Thoughts with Kumail Nanjiani

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Night Thoughts with Kumail Nanjiani · Life Will Be the Death of Me with Chelsea Handler

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: I just announced all my tour dates. It's called the
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Height and Mighty Tour. I'm coming to Washington, d c Norfolk, Virginia, Madison, Wisconsin, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Detroit, Michigan, Cleveland, Columbus,
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: and Cincinnati, Ohio, Denver, Colorado, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Springfield, Massachusetts, Chicago,
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: of Course, Indianapolis, Indiana, Louisville, Kentucky, Albuquerque, Masa, Arizona, Kansas City, Missouri,
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: Saint Louis, Missouri, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Nashville, Tennessee, Charlotte, North Carolina, Durham,
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: North of Carolina, Saratoga, California, Monterey, California, Modeesto, California, and
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: port Chester, New York, Boston, Massachusetts, Portland, Oregon, and Seattle, Washington.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: I will be touring from February through June, so go
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: get your tickets now. If you want to come see
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: me perform, I will be on the High and Mighty Tour.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Happy New Year, Catherine.
• 1:00
  Speaker 3: It's New Year's Day.
• 1:02
  Speaker 4: Hi.
• 1:04
  Speaker 5: I'm hoping it's nice and frosty and Whistler. It is
• 1:07
  Speaker 5: not frosty here in La.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: Is it's nice and frosty.
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: Unfortunately, I have to head back to La today and
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: leave Whistler. But that's okay because I have to prep
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: for the Critics' Choice Awards.
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: It's gonna be so great this year. I'm really excited.
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: I'm excited. I'm excited. It's always so fun to do,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: so we'll just get right into it. This guy's another comedian.
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: He's probably now one of my favorite comedians after watching
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: his new special and after spending time with him. I
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: was doing a shoot with him a few months ago,
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: and he is an Oscar nominated writer, Emmy nominated and
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: SAG Award winning actor, and critically acclaimed producer and comedian
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: who's a critically acclaimed producer.
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: Please welcome Kumail Nanjianni.
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: For Christmas, everybody, we brought you a Jew and then
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: a Pakistani.
• 1:52
  Speaker 3: Yes, you know, jerked over Minna night.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: That's you know, yeah exactly. Okay, Please welcome Kamail nan Gianni.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: Did I say it right?
• 2:00
  Speaker 6: Yeah?
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: You said it right. You just didn't say it with
• 2:02
  Speaker 4: a lot of confidence. But that's okay.
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: Well, I mean the confidence precedes me, so I don't
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: even need the confidence.
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: Kamail nan Gianni.
• 2:10
  Speaker 4: That's right, I did.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: Yes, I got the pleasure of hanging out with Kamail.
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: We were working on something with Kevin Hart. You know
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: that little nugget who just got nominated for a Golden Globe.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: By the way, for his stand up special. I can't
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: think of anyone who deserves it less.
• 2:24
  Speaker 4: And well, I also got nominated.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, yes, yeah, I did not expect it.
• 2:32
  Speaker 4: My specials not even out yet, but yeah.
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: Oh my god. You know what.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: I was watching it yesterday. I watched Kamail special. It's
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: called Night Thoughts. It's going to be on.
• 2:40
  Speaker 4: Hulu, right, yeah, December nineteenth on Hulu.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: December nineteenth, it comes out, you guys, And I was
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: watching a Kamal and I was like, you're going I
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: can't believe that you got nominated either.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: I thought you wouldn't if it's not out yet, you
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: wouldn't qualify.
• 2:51
  Speaker 4: Yeah, the cutoff is like December thirty first. But yeah,
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: I had such a great time doing that thing with
• 2:57
  Speaker 4: you and Kevin.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: Well, first of all, all, let's okay, now we're getting
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: all carried away. Okay, let's go back to that. We
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: filmed something with Kevin. We'll probably you'll hear about that later.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: And another friend of ours Keegan and I hadn't really
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: hung out with you, Kamail, I guess ever, which is weird,
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: but I assumed I had. Anyway, we had a blast,
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: and Kevin just wanted me to be there because he
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: needed somebody to drink with because Kamal and Keegan were,
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: you know, acting like normal people. But we filmed something
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: around the stand up world and we had I had
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: a great time with you, camel.
• 3:29
  Speaker 4: I had a great time with you. It was so funny,
• 3:32
  Speaker 4: and your and Kevin's dynamic is so funny to me.
• 3:38
  Speaker 4: I was laughing so much because you know, it's Kevin
• 3:43
  Speaker 4: Hart's obviously he's a He's an enterprise, right, He's not
• 3:45
  Speaker 4: even a celebrity.
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: He's like an enterprise. Rent a car to be specific.
• 3:50
  Speaker 4: A compact, he's but so he's surrounded by all these
• 3:54
  Speaker 4: people that he's the king of, right, and then you're
• 3:57
  Speaker 4: there and the entire time you are just picking on him.
• 4:02
  Speaker 4: It's so funny. I loved it so much.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: Oh, I'm so glad.
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: I'm so glad you were there to witness it, because
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: it is really fun when he and I get together
• 4:11
  Speaker 1: and do stuff together because he just I think he
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: really enjoys the abuse he does.
• 4:16
  Speaker 4: He does, I don't think he gets it very much.
• 4:18
  Speaker 4: He's just you know what's surprising about him, and I
• 4:20
  Speaker 4: don't know him that well either. That's the most I've
• 4:22
  Speaker 4: hung out with him, but I had hung out with
• 4:23
  Speaker 4: him more than I'd hung out with you. He's a
• 4:26
  Speaker 4: true comedian, like he's like, loves comedy. He approaches it
• 4:30
  Speaker 4: like a stand up. He really like so the ball
• 4:33
  Speaker 4: busting and stuff. He's not like an actor who does
• 4:37
  Speaker 4: stand up. I know he started off as a stand up,
• 4:39
  Speaker 4: but he's still a stand up.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and he really respects the art of stand up,
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: and he really wants other people to succeed in stand up.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: He enjoys watching it and he'll spit. When you see
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: this project, you'll see him watch comedians and then spit
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: back out their material to him. I was impressed actually
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: with him that day, and that doesn't happen frequently, so so.
• 5:00
  Speaker 2: That was fun. But let's get back tonight.
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: Thoughts your stand up special which is just nominated for
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: a Golden Globe.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: I didn't even look at the list.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: I just saw Kevin posted to congratulate himself, So congratulations
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: to you, Kamal.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: And when I was watching it.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: I was like, this, but you should definitely get nominated
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: because A you're so fucking funny, and you're so funny
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: in a non bro ick way. You're You're just you
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: make everything listen. I'm not into cats at all. I
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: don't want to see them or talk about them. And
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: you have a bit about cats that is just hilarious.
• 5:35
  Speaker 1: And it was the only time I've been actively listening
• 5:39
  Speaker 1: to a story about a cat for more than about
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: ten minutes.
• 5:43
  Speaker 4: Thank you. You know you texted me yesterday like the
• 5:46
  Speaker 4: opening students that walk out. You sent me a video
• 5:49
  Speaker 4: of it, and I was like, oh, Chelsea's watching it.
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: And then I got really nervous because I think you're
• 5:55
  Speaker 4: really funny. I respect you, of course and all that.
• 5:58
  Speaker 4: I'm a fan, and I feel like comedians are the
• 6:02
  Speaker 4: best critics of stand up comedy because we see people
• 6:06
  Speaker 4: getting nominated all the time for stand up and you're like, well,
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: that person should have been nominated. It should not have
• 6:11
  Speaker 4: been nominated. They shouldn't have been nominated. But other comedians
• 6:14
  Speaker 4: really really know what good comedy is. So I was
• 6:19
  Speaker 4: really nervous. I don't care what critics say. I care
• 6:21
  Speaker 4: what comedians say. About it.
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And also I would say as a comedian, it's
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: very hard.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: I don't know if this is true for you. Tell me.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: I find it hard to watch stand up on TV
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: like Live.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: You can get down with it, but watching people's specials
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: can always be a little bit tricky.
• 6:39
  Speaker 2: So that's why it was an extra pleasant surprise.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: I mean, I just was sitting here at my kitchen
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: counter watching on my iPod, and the very first thing
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: out of the gate that you talk about is the
• 6:48
  Speaker 1: very first thing I mentioned to you when I saw
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: you when we were doing our project. Which are the
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: muscles that are coming out of the back of your shoulders.
• 6:57
  Speaker 2: I don't know. Are those called rhomboids or are they
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: what are you?
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: That's funny, They're called trapezoids, which is another ship so
• 7:06
  Speaker 4: you were close.
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: Well, there's two sets come out.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: There's two that come over here, come out of your shoulder,
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: and then his arm has an extra series or like
• 7:16
  Speaker 1: it's like a mountain range, like a mini mountain range
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: of muscles that comes out that I haven't seen before.
• 7:22
  Speaker 4: I'm actually trying to bring it down, especially the traps.
• 7:27
  Speaker 1: How long did it take you to acquire that body?
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: Because you had to do that for your superhero movies, right.
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I did it for my superhero movie. That took
• 7:35
  Speaker 4: about a year and a half. But when it really
• 7:37
  Speaker 4: went nuts was in the pandemic. Like I had a
• 7:40
  Speaker 4: full freak out in the year and a half that
• 7:42
  Speaker 4: I did not leave the house. I talked about it
• 7:45
  Speaker 4: a little bit in the special, and all I did
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: I worked out about four hours every day. I got
• 7:52
  Speaker 4: really obsessed with it. And that's when I like sort
• 7:55
  Speaker 4: of got really really super big.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: And you just that because you had nothing else going on, right, I.
• 8:03
  Speaker 4: Had nothing else going on, and it was the only
• 8:04
  Speaker 4: thing I could do where I could feel any kind
• 8:06
  Speaker 4: of progress. I was like, oh, I can lift this
• 8:08
  Speaker 4: weight today. I couldn't lift it last week, but I
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: can lift it today. Nothing else was happening, nothing else
• 8:14
  Speaker 4: was real. I couldn't feel like I was moving in
• 8:17
  Speaker 4: any direction except for working out. It's really the thing
• 8:20
  Speaker 4: that kept me tethered to sanity.
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: I understand that because you talk, you do address this
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: a little bit in your special, not related to the
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: muscle building and working out, but in being like nervous
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: for your wife because she was immune compromised during COVID.
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: But I understand that too, because isn't it interesting?
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: And not to sound like a gym rap, but I
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: just want to say, I am from New Jersey, everybody,
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: so we already know this. So I have a predilection
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: for physical fitness. When you do a set, when you
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: do three sets of something, and you do the first
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: set and it's really challenging and hard, and then you
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: go back and you do the second set and it's easier,
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: you realize how quickly you can gain strength, and it
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: is quite a motivating factor.
• 9:01
  Speaker 4: I think what I've learned most from it is like,
• 9:03
  Speaker 4: we limit ourselves all the time, I can't do that whatever,
• 9:06
  Speaker 4: And with working out, you realize how much of those
• 9:09
  Speaker 4: limits are based on our own the way we look
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: at ourselves, and not what other people tell you or
• 9:13
  Speaker 4: what even the world tells you. So yeah, it's I
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: mean I never thought i'd be buff, you know, And
• 9:19
  Speaker 4: the fact that I am, I was like, oh, maybe
• 9:21
  Speaker 4: what else is like available to me that I thought
• 9:24
  Speaker 4: wasn't available to me?
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: Accomplishable?
• 9:26
  Speaker 4: Right?
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Do your wife? Do you guys have more sex now
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: that you have a bigger body.
• 9:31
  Speaker 4: No, we have the same amount of sex, which is
• 9:34
  Speaker 4: a very good, healthy amount of sex. But she does
• 9:36
  Speaker 4: it. It's like it's like fucking the corner of a building.
• 9:44
  Speaker 2: I like that a lot.
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: It's it's you know, I hugged a buff guy the
• 9:49
  Speaker 4: other day who was like buffer than me, and I
• 9:52
  Speaker 4: was like, I know exactly what Emily means.
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, And how did that make you feel when
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: you've touched his body like that against your body?
• 9:59
  Speaker 4: I did. It didn't feel good. It's not like you
• 10:02
  Speaker 4: know Pete Holmes your buddies with Pete. I'm sure he
• 10:06
  Speaker 4: in one of his sets he talks about how like
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: a good hug is important, and he mentions me and says,
• 10:10
  Speaker 4: there's no Catharsis, like you need like cushion for a
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: good hug. And I finally understood what he meant when
• 10:17
  Speaker 4: I hugged this buff guy.
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: I don't listen. As a woman, I have to say,
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: I disagree completely. I don't want to hug a cushion.
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: I that I could do on my sofa when I
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: want a man who's got some muscles on him.
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: He doesn't have to be.
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: A beef cake like you. But I wouldn't turn that away.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: I like muscles, I don't. I mean, you know, knowing
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: somebody spending that much time in the gym is a
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: different story.
• 10:38
  Speaker 4: Yeah. Yeah, Well you tend.
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: To just be naturally physically fit without doing anything.
• 10:44
  Speaker 4: It is nerdy to like spend this much time doing this.
• 10:47
  Speaker 4: It's like you have to have. Emily was like, if
• 10:51
  Speaker 4: we first went out and you look like this, I
• 10:53
  Speaker 4: think there was something really wrong with you.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: Okay, so let's talk about Okay.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: First, I want to talk a little bit about the special,
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: because in this special you really do get emotional. Two
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: or three times you were teary eyed at the gratitude
• 11:06
  Speaker 1: you were feeling. Towards filming your special back in Chicago
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: where you started stand up, you filmed it at the
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: VIC Theater, So you started out as a stand up
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: and you remind people that you're not an actor trying
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: to do stand up or attempting to do stand up
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: off of the back of your success as an actor,
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: but that you began as a stand up. And you
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: also talk about you mentioned therapy a lot during the show,
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: which was really nice to hear from as a woman
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: hearing it from a straight man, it's always refreshing for
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: men to be talking about therapy. And then your cat's
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: name is Bagel, so let's start with your cat.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: How is she?
• 11:44
  Speaker 4: She is not with us anymore?
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: Okay, great, great, great way to start.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: So this is a great beginning and hopefully you'll be
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: able to I don't know, maybe you will cry.
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: Maybe I can make you cry, come out.
• 11:56
  Speaker 4: You know what. We got a new you don't like cat,
• 12:00
  Speaker 4: so this won't be We got a new kitten a
• 12:03
  Speaker 4: month ago, and that was the first time I was like, oh,
• 12:05
  Speaker 4: it's okay. I don't you got it. You know, I've
• 12:08
  Speaker 4: got a new thing to focus on. And literally yesterday
• 12:12
  Speaker 4: when the newness of the new kitten sort of went away,
• 12:15
  Speaker 4: and I love this kitten, I started missing Bagel again
• 12:18
  Speaker 4: and I hadn't missed her for a month and I
• 12:21
  Speaker 4: just miss her. So but you know what, she was seventeen.
• 12:25
  Speaker 4: She led a great life. And you know it is
• 12:28
  Speaker 4: what it is. You do you have dogs? Are you
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: a pet person?
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: I do? And what I want to say to you
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: about this is I always have I always have a dog.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: I always have one dog, and sometimes I have two dogs,
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: but as soon as one of them starts to go downhill,
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: I acquire another dog. Always because I don't have time
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: for grieving. I want to transfer my love to another
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: person or dog immediately, and I find that to be
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: in a great approach to you know, listen, rescue animals
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: or cats or dogs whatever, even if they're not rescues,
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: they're going to they're not going to be here forever.
• 12:58
  Speaker 1: And we know that going in, so you kind of
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: have to, like, I just want to kind of get
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: ahead of it. And it's not like it's a person.
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: I don't grieve for my animals like their people. I
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: don't think that my dog crosses the Rainbow Highway or
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: whatever when he goes to heaven.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: I don't talk like that. I just want them. I
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: love dogs.
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: I love having a dog in my house, and so
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: I'm very pragmatic about it. But I understand that other
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: people are much more sensitive.
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: I was.
• 13:27
  Speaker 4: I mean, she's the first pet I ever had, and
• 13:29
  Speaker 4: Emily and I have been married eighteen years and she's
• 13:32
  Speaker 4: been with us seventeen years, so it was always the
• 13:34
  Speaker 4: three of us, you know, so yeah, and I'm with you.
• 13:37
  Speaker 4: I don't think Mike, you know, people will be like, oh,
• 13:40
  Speaker 4: she's still with you, Like she's not. She's not with me.
• 13:43
  Speaker 4: I remember her, her memories are with me. But there's
• 13:46
  Speaker 4: no like spirit that's around. So I completely agree with you.
• 13:51
  Speaker 4: I was talking to Emily yesterday. I was like, we
• 13:53
  Speaker 4: should wait a few years and get another cat, just
• 13:55
  Speaker 4: exactly for the reasons you're mentioning, so that we have
• 13:58
  Speaker 4: like another after this one decides to go. You didn't cry.
• 14:04
  Speaker 4: You don't cry when your dog does.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: Oh, I cry, but I don't mourn like my last
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: dog was actually a really ugly kind of death. And
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: I was sorry, thank you, and I just I cried.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: I you know, it took her to the event.
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: It was awful.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: It was dramatic, and it was like a three day event.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: But I was able to recuperate pretty quickly. And I
• 14:24
  Speaker 1: also had this new dog, a new puppy that I
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: had rescued, So it was it was It's a good buffer.
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: But I just do want to say on behalf of
• 14:32
  Speaker 1: Bagel because I feel like I speak for her now.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: You that tribute you made to her in your stand up,
• 14:37
  Speaker 1: I mean, this is a beautiful way to go out,
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: and it's a beautiful bookend to your love story with Bagel.
• 14:43
  Speaker 4: Oh, thank you. Yeah. The way it happened was so weird.
• 14:46
  Speaker 4: I was in New York doing this play. Oh, Mary Right, Oh, Mary, Yeah,
• 14:51
  Speaker 4: really have you seen it?
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: No?
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: I have not seen it.
• 14:53
  Speaker 3: Sorry, yeah, I've seen it. I thought just I think
• 14:56
  Speaker 3: maybe just before you were in it. But I saw
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: it with Titu.
• 15:01
  Speaker 4: It's really really funny, and I just loved being a
• 15:04
  Speaker 4: you know, you fucking kill every night you get a
• 15:07
  Speaker 4: standing ovation and it has nothing to do with you.
• 15:10
  Speaker 4: It's incredible. You're like, I'm literally just saying the word
• 15:13
  Speaker 4: someone else wrote and you think I'm a hero. It's
• 15:16
  Speaker 4: so fun. But the weird thing was we've had her
• 15:18
  Speaker 4: for seventeen years, you know, and she's like such an
• 15:20
  Speaker 4: important part of our life. She passes away Saturday morning.
• 15:23
  Speaker 4: Emily has to fly an hour later back to LA
• 15:26
  Speaker 4: to get a monthly treatment she has to get for
• 15:28
  Speaker 4: her autoimmune condition, and I have two shows that day,
• 15:33
  Speaker 4: So my cat dies at nine am. I'm on stage
• 15:36
  Speaker 4: at three pm and then again at eight pm. And
• 15:38
  Speaker 4: I never without Emily, and I never imagine it would
• 15:42
  Speaker 4: be like that. I thought when she would go, Emily
• 15:44
  Speaker 4: and I would like cocoon and be with each other
• 15:46
  Speaker 4: for two weeks. And we didn't even see each other
• 15:48
  Speaker 4: for another week. So it was like really really intense,
• 15:52
  Speaker 4: and I had this feeling, this is weird. As I
• 15:54
  Speaker 4: was doing the first show, like four hours after my
• 15:57
  Speaker 4: cat died, I was like ten minutes in and I
• 15:59
  Speaker 4: wasn't really feeling it wasn't going well, and I was like,
• 16:01
  Speaker 4: you know what, this show is my tribute to Bagel.
• 16:04
  Speaker 4: I owe it to her to be funny today. And
• 16:07
  Speaker 4: then that went great, and then the second one went
• 16:10
  Speaker 4: great because of that, I was like, I'm doing this
• 16:12
  Speaker 4: for her. And then Sunday was terrible. I was terrible
• 16:15
  Speaker 4: boat shows because I'd spent all night now alone in
• 16:17
  Speaker 4: an apartment without my cat or my wife, and I
• 16:19
  Speaker 4: was just miserable.
• 16:21
  Speaker 2: Well, it's nice to know that you're so sensitive, Comel.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: I like that about you.
• 16:25
  Speaker 4: Well, you know what, I realized, this is interesting. I
• 16:27
  Speaker 4: realized I'm the same person I was when I was fourteen,
• 16:31
  Speaker 4: and I always hated that part of myself. I hated
• 16:33
  Speaker 4: how sensitive I was, Like my feelings would get hurt
• 16:36
  Speaker 4: all the time, and that's not how men are supposed
• 16:39
  Speaker 4: to be, you know, It's not what strength is. And
• 16:41
  Speaker 4: I was very aware of it, and all through my
• 16:44
  Speaker 4: twenties and thirties, I was like, I'm a different person.
• 16:47
  Speaker 4: I've gotten over that I understand now I'm stronger, I'm cool,
• 16:52
  Speaker 4: like dress school, all this stuff, and I realized only
• 16:54
  Speaker 4: a few years ago into my forties. Now I'm still
• 16:57
  Speaker 4: the same guy I was when I was fourteen. I'm
• 16:59
  Speaker 4: just a senseive as I've always been. And it's not
• 17:02
  Speaker 4: good or bad. It's just what it is, and I
• 17:04
  Speaker 4: have to accept it. I have to accept that my
• 17:06
  Speaker 4: feelings get hurt very easily, and I have to acknowledge
• 17:10
  Speaker 4: that because trying to like get past it has not
• 17:13
  Speaker 4: worked for like fucking thirty years.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: And now, well, so tell me what it was like
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: when you were a kid growing up.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: Were you able to communicate with your family and like
• 17:21
  Speaker 1: have this kind of emotional conversations or was that a
• 17:24
  Speaker 1: no no in your house?
• 17:26
  Speaker 4: It was a no no, But I think it was
• 17:27
  Speaker 4: self limited, Like my parents were not like that. My
• 17:31
  Speaker 4: dad actually is a very emotional guy and always has been.
• 17:36
  Speaker 4: And I've seen him cry, you know, like I know
• 17:38
  Speaker 4: people like my wife was like, I've seen my dad
• 17:40
  Speaker 4: cry twice when his mother died and when his wife died.
• 17:43
  Speaker 4: I've seen my dad cry hundreds of times. And when
• 17:47
  Speaker 4: I was a little kid, I really hated that he
• 17:50
  Speaker 4: would cry. I was like, oh, my dad's like I
• 17:53
  Speaker 4: was like, my dad's a pussy. I did not like
• 17:56
  Speaker 4: that he cried, and he was always very affectionate, like
• 17:59
  Speaker 4: he would kiss up and you know, it was very
• 18:01
  Speaker 4: like emotionally, very very communicative. But for me, I did
• 18:07
  Speaker 4: not like that about him. And now when I look back,
• 18:09
  Speaker 4: I'm so grateful that I had him as like a
• 18:11
  Speaker 4: model for how to be like a man who is
• 18:13
  Speaker 4: connected with his feelings. I was not connected with my feelings,
• 18:17
  Speaker 4: and I had a real anger issue. I would say
• 18:20
  Speaker 4: probably from the age of ten to kind of all
• 18:23
  Speaker 4: through my twenties and a lot of my thirties as well.
• 18:25
  Speaker 4: But really, when I was thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, I was
• 18:29
  Speaker 4: a nice guy. Nobody saw it except my parents. But
• 18:32
  Speaker 4: when I would get angry, and I was so angry,
• 18:35
  Speaker 4: I wanted to burn the world and I could not.
• 18:38
  Speaker 4: It was this horrible feeling of being completely out of control.
• 18:41
  Speaker 4: And I think all of that came out of not
• 18:44
  Speaker 4: being able to address the fact that I was sensitive,
• 18:46
  Speaker 4: that my feelings got hurt very easily, and that anger
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: was something that I really started didn't start working on
• 18:53
  Speaker 4: until I was in my thirties, when Emily and I
• 18:55
  Speaker 4: were together, and sometimes we'd get into fights and I
• 18:57
  Speaker 4: would just go to this place that did not feel
• 19:00
  Speaker 4: like me. And what I had to do was I
• 19:03
  Speaker 4: would feel like I'd have to get to the point
• 19:05
  Speaker 4: and say the thing that you cannot take back, and
• 19:09
  Speaker 4: then that would break it. It would break the spell,
• 19:12
  Speaker 4: and then I would feel awful and the guilt would
• 19:15
  Speaker 4: be just like punishing myself for what I said. And
• 19:18
  Speaker 4: then so it was like the cycle I was in.
• 19:20
  Speaker 4: And it wasn't until like, you know, a few years
• 19:23
  Speaker 4: ago in my forties when I really started late thirties actually,
• 19:26
  Speaker 4: I would say mid to late thirties when I started
• 19:29
  Speaker 4: like trying to be like and it started an acting class.
• 19:32
  Speaker 4: I was taking an acting class, and I was like, oh,
• 19:35
  Speaker 4: there's a lot more in here than I realize, and
• 19:38
  Speaker 4: I need to start excavating it, because that's I owe
• 19:41
  Speaker 4: it to Emily first, even before I owe it to myself.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's so nice to hear you say that because
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: I can relate to that, like it's kind of unskilled emotions,
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: like you don't know yet what you're dealing with, and
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: you address this in your special too, which is really beautiful,
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: beautiful moment and don't get confused with beautiful moments in a.
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: Stand up special. They're allowed for our listeners. I love that.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I love that it's you know, not just all joke joke, joke,
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: joke joke. It's plenty funny, with a lot of like
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: feeling in it and a lot of messaging that needs
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: to get through. But I think you know, you're talking
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: about a cycle of anger, which whichever you know, so
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: many people have, and it can escalate to a level
• 20:21
  Speaker 1: where like that's the same cycle as an abusive person.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: You know, when somebody's abusive physically, they go, they go,
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: and they go, they get mad, mad, mad mad. Then
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: they pop and then they're overwhelmed with guilt and they
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: come back and they're apologizing and they're so sorry.
• 20:35
  Speaker 2: But it's it's something that everyone can relate to.
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: It's just different varying degrees of anger and how you
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: express it and then finding out finding out from a
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: therapist that your anger is really fear or sadness. You know,
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: it's like the it's the it's like the the jacket
• 20:55
  Speaker 1: that your fear, sad sadness wears to protect itself.
• 20:59
  Speaker 4: So this is something that you because I always think
• 21:02
  Speaker 4: of you as like you're like a badass, strong person, right,
• 21:05
  Speaker 4: Like I've never thought of you as someone who was
• 21:07
  Speaker 4: soft or anything. Is this something that you sort of
• 21:11
  Speaker 4: figured out about yourself too?
• 21:13
  Speaker 2: Yeah?
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I had to go to I had like a
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: real break at like when I turned forty. I was like, oh,
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: I was so angry, I'm so angry, and like I
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: was protecting I mean, it was like Trump got elected,
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: so it was like I had some place to place
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: my anger, right.
• 21:27
  Speaker 2: I was like, that's why I hate this world, this
• 21:30
  Speaker 2: is it, you know.
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: But really, when I delved into therapy, I found out
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: it was a lot about my childhood. My brother died
• 21:36
  Speaker 1: when I was really young. I had delayed grief. I
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: had never spoken to anybody or anybody that could really
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: unwrap that with me. So I learned very early on
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: that my emotional outbursts, much like yours, were just me
• 21:52
  Speaker 1: being scared or me being really sad and not feeling
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: comfortable with expressing either of those emotions. So you find
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: the emotion you are comfortable with, and for many of us,
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: it's anger, because then you're like, oh, okay, well this
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: is still protective. I'm protecting myself, But it does feel
• 22:09
  Speaker 1: like shit after you lose your shit.
• 22:11
  Speaker 4: It does because the anger FA is facing outwards. You know,
• 22:14
  Speaker 4: you're like, instead of dealing with your own sadness or fear,
• 22:17
  Speaker 4: you're like directing into outwards. That's something And I've noticed
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: this a lot on social media. Obviously there's a lot
• 22:24
  Speaker 4: wrong with the world, and there's a lot of like
• 22:26
  Speaker 4: righteous anger that should be directed at it. But I
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: see certain people that I'm like, Okay, the target is right,
• 22:33
  Speaker 4: but there's a lot more going on with you right now,
• 22:36
  Speaker 4: Like this isn't just about politics or whatever we're headed
• 22:40
  Speaker 4: or whatever. It is, like there's stuff inside you that
• 22:43
  Speaker 4: you need to deal with because it's and you've decided
• 22:45
  Speaker 4: that it's really about this thing, but it's more about you.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I would say that's in astute observation as well,
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: because you know, you know, you go through like I
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: went through like a jaunt of therapy that was like
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: two years intense, and then after that I was like, Okay,
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: let me take a break and try to absorb all
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: of this and like apply it to my life so
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: I can soften my edges and be more of a
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: whole person rather than just kind of coming across as
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: like this bulldozer and strong, and then you you know
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: that takes a bit of time too, to adjust your
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: personality because you're like, who am I now?
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: Am I the same person? Or am I a different person?
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: And you're kind of trying to take the best parts
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: of your personality and bring them into the present.
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: And then you're like, but how do I get rid
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: of the bad parts?
• 23:30
  Speaker 5: You know?
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: And it's it's not it's like it's just always a
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: moving puzzle.
• 23:34
  Speaker 4: Yes, that's very well put.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: But I was reading this book recently and it was
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: talking about intergenerational trauma, which is something we all suffer from,
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: and I'm like, oh, fuck, now we've got to deal
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: with my fucking generation with all these families, like we're
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: in the Holocaust. I got to go through this now,
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: I'm like, intergenerational trauma, that's too much for us to
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: deal with in one lifetime.
• 23:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that's not my shit. They should have dealt with
• 23:57
  Speaker 4: the That's the other thing you realize is like, you
• 23:59
  Speaker 4: know how much we get from therapy, And then realized, like,
• 24:02
  Speaker 4: my parents have never had this once. They've never once
• 24:05
  Speaker 4: had a therapy session, and it's like it'd be so much.
• 24:09
  Speaker 4: We'd all be so much happier if you guys were
• 24:11
  Speaker 4: able to do that. Like my dad, who's absolutely wonderful,
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: really in touch with his feelings, but there was like,
• 24:17
  Speaker 4: like I mentioned this car accident that he was in,
• 24:20
  Speaker 4: and he for two weeks he was just like really
• 24:25
  Speaker 4: depressed because he got so scared. And I was like, Dad,
• 24:28
  Speaker 4: you should talk to somebody. He's like nope, nope, nope,
• 24:31
  Speaker 4: and then he just kind of muscled through it and
• 24:33
  Speaker 4: then a month later he was like, Okay, I'm fine now.
• 24:36
  Speaker 4: So whatever the process was he did, I don't know
• 24:38
  Speaker 4: how deep he buried it or whatever, but it's like
• 24:42
  Speaker 4: they just it just feels like I've to a lot
• 24:44
  Speaker 4: of people therapy is a defeat and it's really not.
• 24:47
  Speaker 4: It's just what is required. We're really fucking complicated and
• 24:51
  Speaker 4: we're dealing with a lot.
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: I know, and we're dealing with a lot, but there's
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: been so many generations that have come before us that
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: never dealts with anything. So the argument that we have
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: to deal with that is kind of like, well, why
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: maybe I could just go through my life and not
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: deal with anything and be a miserable son of a
• 25:06
  Speaker 1: bitch for the last you know.
• 25:07
  Speaker 2: Twenty or thirty.
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: Like my dad his last fifteen twenty thirty years, he
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: was just angry, just angry, angry, angry. And I'm like, oh, well,
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: if he had had therapy and become like a self
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: actualized person, he probably would have been a lot different.
• 25:21
  Speaker 2: But to what availed.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: Right, Like, we sit here kind of like you know,
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: like navel gazing. People are like, oh it's you.
• 25:28
  Speaker 2: Know, especially La.
• 25:29
  Speaker 1: As soon as you come to La, it doesn't matter
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: what country or cultural background you're from, you end up
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: in therpy.
• 25:37
  Speaker 4: Yeah, it's too much. People here are too self actualized.
• 25:40
  Speaker 4: Some of these people need to start bottling shit up again.
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: Do you and your wife go to couple therapy?
• 25:47
  Speaker 4: We have? We don't anymore. We did. I think we
• 25:51
  Speaker 4: started in the pandemic and we did it for about
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: a year, started off every week and then every other week,
• 25:57
  Speaker 4: and it was really really remarkable. First of all, you know,
• 26:03
  Speaker 4: Emily and I are both very smart people and we
• 26:06
  Speaker 4: pride ourselves on that. And we were talking to this
• 26:08
  Speaker 4: therapist and we were like, I think she's smarter than us,
• 26:12
  Speaker 4: Like she really fucking knows us, and it's and it sucks,
• 26:17
  Speaker 4: it sucks that she's so smart. But she gave us
• 26:20
  Speaker 4: basically the tools. We realized, if you really want to
• 26:23
  Speaker 4: get into it, that as couples we were stuck in
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: the same patterns from like the beginning of our relationship.
• 26:30
  Speaker 4: And there's two sort of things. One we met she
• 26:34
  Speaker 4: was in the audience, I was on stage. So even
• 26:36
  Speaker 4: though there's never been a hierarchy between us, there's never
• 26:39
  Speaker 4: been like a dominant one. But because of that she
• 26:43
  Speaker 4: had a day job, I was following my dreams. That
• 26:46
  Speaker 4: pattern became very established in our lives, where like, she
• 26:49
  Speaker 4: basically makes sacrifices for me, and we'd been living that
• 26:52
  Speaker 4: for over ten years. That thing where it wasn't equal,
• 26:55
  Speaker 4: it was kind of one way. And the other thing
• 26:58
  Speaker 4: is when she got sick, which we you know, we
• 27:02
  Speaker 4: made a movie called The Big Sick about it, and
• 27:04
  Speaker 4: it's mentioned in the special when she got sick. That
• 27:08
  Speaker 4: pattern that developed from that ultimately ended up being replayed
• 27:14
  Speaker 4: over and over and over and over in our relationship.
• 27:17
  Speaker 4: And we didn't realize that. We thought we were over it,
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: but it wasn't until talking to the therapist we were like, oh,
• 27:22
  Speaker 4: all our all of our problems go back to those
• 27:25
  Speaker 4: two things. One that she sort of sacrifices herself for
• 27:29
  Speaker 4: my needs and goals. And two I sort of feel
• 27:34
  Speaker 4: like I need to control her so she won't get
• 27:37
  Speaker 4: sick again.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: Oh yeah, that's really interesting. And how do you address that?
• 27:44
  Speaker 4: I think trust. I have to trust that she understands
• 27:47
  Speaker 4: how to not make herself get sick. I was just
• 27:51
  Speaker 4: very judgmental when she was like, you know, be out
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: late at night or whatever, where I was like, any
• 27:58
  Speaker 4: of these things can trigger another episode, how dare you
• 28:01
  Speaker 4: do this to yourself? Like that was the thinking, that
• 28:03
  Speaker 4: was the feeling, and it just got to and she's
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: been for years being like you have to trust me
• 28:07
  Speaker 4: in hower to take care of myself over and over,
• 28:09
  Speaker 4: but understanding that, like, oh that's what this is. It's
• 28:13
  Speaker 4: really it's really about trust, That's what it was. And
• 28:16
  Speaker 4: the other thing we did was, you know, as traditionally
• 28:20
  Speaker 4: a very closed off man, there was just a lot
• 28:23
  Speaker 4: of times I would not admit things to her, like
• 28:26
  Speaker 4: if I'm starting a new job, I'm nervous. Am I
• 28:28
  Speaker 4: good enough? Or they're going to find out I suck?
• 28:29
  Speaker 4: Whatever it is. I would keep that to myself and
• 28:32
  Speaker 4: I was just really anxious all the time. And then
• 28:35
  Speaker 4: I started like really telling her like, Hey, I'm starting
• 28:38
  Speaker 4: this new job and I'm really scared, and I thought
• 28:40
  Speaker 4: saying it out loud would make that thing more real.
• 28:43
  Speaker 4: It's the opposite. It makes it less, it takes its
• 28:45
  Speaker 4: power away. And then we did this thing where I
• 28:49
  Speaker 4: think for a couple months, every day we had to
• 28:51
  Speaker 4: share three vulnerable things about ourselves that we had not
• 28:54
  Speaker 4: told the other person about, big thing, small things, whatever
• 28:58
  Speaker 4: it is, and that really really helped. And now the
• 29:02
  Speaker 4: goal between us truly is one hundred percent transparency, Like
• 29:07
  Speaker 4: and that could be you know, I'm scared, or it
• 29:10
  Speaker 4: could be like, hey, I was at this place with
• 29:12
  Speaker 4: this girl hit on me like all everything we say everything.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: Wow, and how does that?
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: So I'm sure that makes their relationship even stronger. It's
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: interesting what you just said about naming something and saying
• 29:25
  Speaker 1: it out loud, because you know, there's a philosophy a
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: lot of people have that whatever you focus is on
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: get gets bigger, right, or whatever you focus on gets bigger,
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: and actually even saying something out loud.
• 29:37
  Speaker 2: Can make it bigger.
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: But I also am of the same I subscribe to
• 29:40
  Speaker 1: the same philosophy you do that when you do say
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: it out loud, it also can dissipate.
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: So it's interesting because Catherine, this has come up a
• 29:49
  Speaker 2: lot on the show.
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: You know, like whatever you focus on gets bigger, Like
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: if you're obsessing over something like Camail. I guess this
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: applies to keeping it in because like Cameil, if you're
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: obsessing about being not good enough for a role or
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: are you gonna fit in or is the director gonna
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: think you're you know, good enough, if you're focusing and
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: hyper focusing on that, then that will get bigger and
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: you will kind of it will impact your performance. But
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: I guess by saying it out loud, there's a way
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: that you can release that.
• 30:17
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and you're inviting another voice into the conversation because
• 30:20
  Speaker 4: otherwise it's not silence. It's you talking to yourself. Judge,
• 30:24
  Speaker 4: you know, you know myself talk towards myself has traditionally
• 30:28
  Speaker 4: been so negative. Like I heard someone else say this,
• 30:31
  Speaker 4: like if my friends talk to me this way, I
• 30:33
  Speaker 4: would not be friends with them anymore. And so it's
• 30:36
  Speaker 4: not silence. It is a it's a dialogue. It's a monologue,
• 30:40
  Speaker 4: just me saying all this shit to myself, inviting another
• 30:43
  Speaker 4: voice into it to counter that was really really helpful
• 30:46
  Speaker 4: because she can bring perspective, you know.
• 30:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, So talk to me about your two other projects.
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: You have a movie, Ellen mackay, and you have a
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: show a TV showed Fallout.
• 30:57
  Speaker 4: So Ellen McKay is a movie directed by Jims l So.
• 31:00
  Speaker 4: It's one of my favorite filmmakers. I mean, you know,
• 31:02
  Speaker 4: in terms of endearment, Broadcast News.
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: Terms of Endearment as my favorite movie of all time.
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: There is no way to get through that movie. It's
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: like watching Hamnet. Have you seen Hamnet?
• 31:13
  Speaker 4: Yet? But yeah, oh.
• 31:14
  Speaker 2: God, I mean, I just love when something makes me ball.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: I was watching it.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: I'm up in my house and Whistler and I was
• 31:21
  Speaker 1: watching it last night and I was just bawling on
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: the sofa and my dog Doug kept coming over.
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: But I love crying like that. It's such a release,
• 31:29
  Speaker 2: It truly is.
• 31:30
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: Terms of Endearment is the same.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: There is no way that hospital scene with Debah Winger
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: saying goodbye to her children that you can keep your
• 31:37
  Speaker 1: shit together and if you do your fucking evil.
• 31:40
  Speaker 4: That part was she's telling the sun is angry, and
• 31:42
  Speaker 4: she's telling him like, I know you love me, You're
• 31:46
  Speaker 4: gonna beat yourself up over this. Don't you're being shitty
• 31:49
  Speaker 4: to me right now, but I know you love me.
• 31:52
  Speaker 4: That's such a good guy right now, I know. I
• 31:56
  Speaker 4: asked Jim the director about it, and he's like, that
• 31:58
  Speaker 4: scene is why I made the mo so I could
• 32:01
  Speaker 4: film that scene. Yeah, it's beautiful, and so he directed it.
• 32:05
  Speaker 4: And it's got a wildcast. It's got Albert Brooks and
• 32:08
  Speaker 4: Jamie Lee Curtis and Emma Mackie plays the lead and
• 32:11
  Speaker 4: she's phenomenal, Jack Loud and Woody Harrelson. I don't know
• 32:15
  Speaker 4: if I mentioned Jamie Lee kurt Anyway, it's incredible cast.
• 32:18
  Speaker 4: I have not seen the film yet, but that one
• 32:21
  Speaker 4: was just like, you know, got to meet a bunch
• 32:23
  Speaker 4: of my heroes and really really really exciting. And then
• 32:27
  Speaker 4: Fallout is a TV show based on a video game.
• 32:30
  Speaker 4: Video game I love, and I love the first season
• 32:32
  Speaker 4: of the show. I'm in season two for a few episodes.
• 32:35
  Speaker 4: And the creator of that one of the creators of
• 32:38
  Speaker 4: the TV show was a guy who wrote for Silicon
• 32:40
  Speaker 4: Valley and before that he wrote for Portland Ya. And
• 32:42
  Speaker 4: I just made this decision a few years ago where
• 32:44
  Speaker 4: I was like, I'm just gonna be shameless about this.
• 32:47
  Speaker 4: I watched the first season. I texted him and I
• 32:49
  Speaker 4: was like, hey, man, I love the show. If you
• 32:50
  Speaker 4: ever got anything, let me know. I just asked people
• 32:53
  Speaker 4: directly that I like want to work with them. And
• 32:56
  Speaker 4: then a couple of weeks later he just called me
• 32:58
  Speaker 4: and he was like, hey, I got this part he
• 32:59
  Speaker 4: pitched to me. He's like, do you want to do it?
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: And I was like, yeah, yeah, I'll do it. And
• 33:04
  Speaker 4: that's what that was really really fun.
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: Oh wow, I like that. Yeah.
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: I like asking people directly too for things. It just
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: cuts out the middleman.
• 33:12
  Speaker 4: Yeah, and then you know, like you know, if they
• 33:14
  Speaker 4: don't want you in it, they won't put you in it.
• 33:16
  Speaker 4: And that's fine too.
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: Do you feel like, since you've been in this industry
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: now for a good amount of time, do you feel
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: like your confidence has You've gained a lot of confidence?
• 33:25
  Speaker 4: Oh? What a good question. You know, I've never felt confident.
• 33:29
  Speaker 4: I did this show years ago and one of the
• 33:31
  Speaker 4: other guests was like, and this is going to sound
• 33:34
  Speaker 4: like a negative question, and it wasn't. She was like,
• 33:37
  Speaker 4: how are you so confident? And it does sound negative.
• 33:40
  Speaker 4: I was like, Oh, I guess that's something I project
• 33:43
  Speaker 4: And at that time, especially, I did not feel confident.
• 33:47
  Speaker 4: I just sort of seemed confident, I guess because so
• 33:50
  Speaker 4: much of my life was like it sort of comes
• 33:53
  Speaker 4: from wanting to be a man and not feeling like
• 33:55
  Speaker 4: a man. Like I changed my walk, you know, I
• 33:58
  Speaker 4: changed the way I talk when I was a little kid,
• 34:01
  Speaker 4: like I wanted to be more manly. So I think
• 34:03
  Speaker 4: it sort of comes from that. I feel more confident
• 34:06
  Speaker 4: now in that in the last few years, I've learned that,
• 34:10
  Speaker 4: like I was saying earlier, the limitations I've put on
• 34:13
  Speaker 4: myself were just exactly that I'd put them on myself.
• 34:16
  Speaker 4: And I've grown more confident in my ability to in
• 34:19
  Speaker 4: my ability to learn things and to learn things from
• 34:22
  Speaker 4: the people around me, you know. So I would say
• 34:25
  Speaker 4: that's really it's not confidence, it's a more I trust
• 34:29
  Speaker 4: myself to be able to pick things up because I
• 34:33
  Speaker 4: know I can work really hard, like I've always had
• 34:35
  Speaker 4: that since I was a little kid. I was like,
• 34:37
  Speaker 4: I'm not the smartest, I'm not the best at sports,
• 34:40
  Speaker 4: I'm not the best looking, but I can work harder
• 34:42
  Speaker 4: than anybody else. And so that's kind of where my
• 34:45
  Speaker 4: I guess confidence comes from, is my ability to learn
• 34:48
  Speaker 4: and my desire to learn, and also just knowing that
• 34:51
  Speaker 4: I can work.
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: Really hard and your traps and they come from your traps.
• 34:54
  Speaker 1: And we're going to take a break and we're going
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: to come back and do some calls with Kamail Nanjianni.
• 35:04
  Speaker 2: And we're back with Knal nan Gianni. Let's go, Catherine,
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: what do we got?
• 35:09
  Speaker 3: Okay?
• 35:10
  Speaker 5: Well, our first caller is Dylan and he's twenty eight.
• 35:14
  Speaker 5: Dear Chelsea, I started dating this guy this year and
• 35:17
  Speaker 5: things have been going great. I drive an hour and
• 35:20
  Speaker 5: a half multiple times a week just to see him.
• 35:22
  Speaker 5: I never ask for gas, money or anything, and I
• 35:24
  Speaker 5: do it because I genuinely care about him. He always
• 35:27
  Speaker 5: tries his best to make me happy and constantly tells
• 35:30
  Speaker 5: me he loves me. Until today I felt the same.
• 35:33
  Speaker 5: I brought my dog over to his house, which he
• 35:36
  Speaker 5: said was totally fine, but when we arrived, his entire
• 35:38
  Speaker 5: mood suddenly shifted. He got all quiet and weird, and
• 35:42
  Speaker 5: suddenly he started telling me that my dog was no
• 35:44
  Speaker 5: longer welcome in his house and that he's interrupting his
• 35:46
  Speaker 5: space and peace.
• 35:48
  Speaker 3: I immediately left.
• 35:49
  Speaker 5: There are some cultural differences between us, but my dog
• 35:52
  Speaker 5: is my best friend and has been with me through
• 35:54
  Speaker 5: everything over the past five years.
• 35:55
  Speaker 3: My dog is not going anywhere. Is this a deal breaker? Ps?
• 35:59
  Speaker 3: I'm a people.
• 36:00
  Speaker 5: Please our learning boundaries. Thanks Dylan and Dylan. I think
• 36:03
  Speaker 5: has some updates for us too.
• 36:05
  Speaker 1: Hi, Dylan, this is Kamail, not Gioannny, our special guest.
• 36:09
  Speaker 6: Hey, nice to meet you guys. Thanks for having me.
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: Sure what are your updates?
• 36:14
  Speaker 4: So?
• 36:14
  Speaker 7: Okay, I found out he's been married for like I
• 36:17
  Speaker 7: don't know how long. He never told me, but he
• 36:20
  Speaker 7: told me like eight months in and I was like,
• 36:21
  Speaker 7: why do you tell me now? And he was like, oh,
• 36:23
  Speaker 7: you seem like you're level headed. And I didn't go
• 36:26
  Speaker 7: off like I normally would. I've tried to grow, you know,
• 36:29
  Speaker 7: as I get older, But I was like, why wouldn't
• 36:31
  Speaker 7: you tell me? And he was like, it's not a
• 36:33
  Speaker 7: big deal, Like where are you mad?
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: What? Wait?
• 36:35
  Speaker 4: Wait?
• 36:35
  Speaker 2: Was he had he been married or is he's married now?
• 36:38
  Speaker 7: He's still married technically, but it's it's for like he said,
• 36:43
  Speaker 7: for the documentation, but he kept it a secret. So
• 36:47
  Speaker 7: I'm like, if we're being honest, which we told each
• 36:49
  Speaker 7: other like in the beginning, like that's what we're gonna do.
• 36:53
  Speaker 7: I was like, that's a big thing that you should
• 36:55
  Speaker 7: tell me in the beginning, you know what I mean.
• 36:57
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I had the balls for him to be like,
• 37:01
  Speaker 4: why are you upset that I'm married and didn't tell you?
• 37:04
  Speaker 7: Yeah? And he actually like so nonchalant about it. And
• 37:07
  Speaker 7: I was like, that's a huge thing to me, because
• 37:09
  Speaker 7: like I've been nothing but honest with him.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: Well, it's a huge thing to anyone. Yes, absolutely, him
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: being nonchalant about it is him like trying to like
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: dial down your reaction to that.
• 37:20
  Speaker 3: Yes, like he wouldn't get married.
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: I also, you know, have STDs just herpies, Like it's
• 37:26
  Speaker 1: just like throwing something.
• 37:28
  Speaker 2: Under the carpet.
• 37:29
  Speaker 4: I have a follow up, two follow ups. Yes, you
• 37:33
  Speaker 4: said cultural differences. What do you mean by that he's Punjabi?
• 37:38
  Speaker 4: I was gonna ask if he's Indian or Pakistani? And
• 37:40
  Speaker 4: so there's a couple of things there. One at least
• 37:43
  Speaker 4: pakistanis we don't have dogs as pets, like that's very
• 37:48
  Speaker 4: very rare. And I grew up with dogs on the
• 37:52
  Speaker 4: streets of Karachi, like rabbit dogs chasing me. So I
• 37:56
  Speaker 4: was scared of dogs and did not like dogs until
• 38:00
  Speaker 4: I moved here. And then a few years ago and
• 38:01
  Speaker 4: now I love all animals and I love dogs as well.
• 38:05
  Speaker 4: It took a while to reset that relationship, and so
• 38:08
  Speaker 4: I think for specifically the dog part of the equation,
• 38:12
  Speaker 4: it's just he needs to like understand and get over
• 38:17
  Speaker 4: it because it's not coming from him. It is genuinely
• 38:20
  Speaker 4: a cultural thing and that stuff takes some deprogramming.
• 38:24
  Speaker 7: Another big thing is he works seven days a week,
• 38:27
  Speaker 7: like thirteen hours, and like I've told I've asked, like
• 38:31
  Speaker 7: can I get one day of your time? And He'll
• 38:33
  Speaker 7: be like, yeah, I promise, and it never happens. So
• 38:36
  Speaker 7: like he's so family focused, which I love, but he's
• 38:39
  Speaker 7: convinced that like if he doesn't support his family, like
• 38:42
  Speaker 7: something's bad is going to happen. And in doing so,
• 38:45
  Speaker 7: he's pushed me away, like he's not willing to put
• 38:48
  Speaker 7: in the effort. Like I feel like I want him
• 38:51
  Speaker 7: to understand me and everything, but he doesn't even understand
• 38:54
  Speaker 7: or know himself. He hasn't had the time because it's
• 38:57
  Speaker 7: so like survival focused.
• 38:59
  Speaker 4: Well, let me ask you this, is he married to
• 39:01
  Speaker 4: a woman, yes, And is it like a visa situation.
• 39:05
  Speaker 6: He had I believe.
• 39:06
  Speaker 7: So he's been kind of quiet he hasn't really filled
• 39:09
  Speaker 7: me in a lot on it, but he's not like
• 39:11
  Speaker 7: romantically with her.
• 39:13
  Speaker 4: Yeah, so that's a thing that happens where people marry
• 39:16
  Speaker 4: for green cards and then it really is like a
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: business relationship. So I see, he should have still told
• 39:23
  Speaker 4: you from the beginning because in his head this relationship
• 39:26
  Speaker 4: is different from the way the relationship is to the
• 39:30
  Speaker 4: way it sounds is different than it is in his head.
• 39:33
  Speaker 4: In his head, it truly isn't a big deal. He
• 39:34
  Speaker 4: should have told you. I'm not apologizing for him, but
• 39:37
  Speaker 4: I know this situation. The other thing is he so
• 39:41
  Speaker 4: he has like a Punjabi Indian family. Have you ever
• 39:44
  Speaker 4: met them?
• 39:45
  Speaker 7: No, But he's told his cousins that he has a girlfriend.
• 39:49
  Speaker 7: So I'm the girlfriend in his mind.
• 39:51
  Speaker 4: So see that's the other thing. Is sorry, Chelsea, I
• 39:55
  Speaker 4: feel like I'm really monigious.
• 39:56
  Speaker 2: It's like, first of all, I had no idea. You
• 39:59
  Speaker 2: had esp so this is perfect. He's like a pod reader.
• 40:02
  Speaker 4: Well I just have been see this like for me,
• 40:06
  Speaker 4: you know, my wife is white. My brother is getting
• 40:09
  Speaker 4: married to a white person next weekend. It took, it
• 40:13
  Speaker 4: really took. I hid from my parents that I was
• 40:17
  Speaker 4: dating her, and because culturally, it's not okay. And it
• 40:21
  Speaker 4: didn't come out until my wife got really sick, like
• 40:24
  Speaker 4: when we were first dating, and at that point I
• 40:27
  Speaker 4: was just too emotionally exhausted to not tell them about her,
• 40:30
  Speaker 4: and that's what prompted it. Otherwise I don't know how
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: long it would have taken. So I think that's the
• 40:36
  Speaker 4: stuff he may not be out to his family. And
• 40:39
  Speaker 4: if he isn't out to his family, yeah, so you know,
• 40:42
  Speaker 4: there's like a weird thing here again not taking his side.
• 40:46
  Speaker 4: Emily took years to figure out that she's never going
• 40:49
  Speaker 4: to understand the cultural the relationship that we have with
• 40:53
  Speaker 4: our culture and the relationship we have with our parents
• 40:55
  Speaker 4: and family because of our culture. And this is something
• 40:58
  Speaker 4: that I'm seeing my brother who's now about to get married,
• 41:01
  Speaker 4: I'm seeing his fiance dealing with it. Or you're trying
• 41:07
  Speaker 4: to sort of understand this stuff. And at some point
• 41:11
  Speaker 4: for Emily it was like you just have to accept it.
• 41:14
  Speaker 4: There's some stuff that you just do not have access to,
• 41:16
  Speaker 4: Like there are so many things that I can't be
• 41:19
  Speaker 4: honest in front of my parents about and she's like, well,
• 41:22
  Speaker 4: it's going to be complete honesty, and I'm like it's
• 41:24
  Speaker 4: really not like that, Like it really isn't It's kind
• 41:27
  Speaker 4: of impossible. So for him coming out, you know, that's
• 41:31
  Speaker 4: a personal journey, like somebody. People have to decide when
• 41:35
  Speaker 4: they're ready to do that. Of course he's being a
• 41:37
  Speaker 4: coward about it, but it's I would say, it's sadly,
• 41:42
  Speaker 4: got nothing to do with you. It's got to do
• 41:44
  Speaker 4: with his own situation, and it is a complicated situation,
• 41:48
  Speaker 4: and of course he should come out. But there's a
• 41:50
  Speaker 4: lot at play culturally, Like this is like heavy old shit,
• 41:54
  Speaker 4: you know.
• 41:55
  Speaker 7: Yeah, Like for me, I don't mind that, Like he's
• 41:58
  Speaker 7: not out to his family. It's more like he keeps
• 42:01
  Speaker 7: telling me I'll make time for you, and it's like
• 42:04
  Speaker 7: the empty promises, Like I keep getting resentments for him,
• 42:07
  Speaker 7: and I don't want that. It's not good for him
• 42:09
  Speaker 7: or me.
• 42:10
  Speaker 4: No, that's fear too, you know. It's it's how I
• 42:12
  Speaker 4: was with Emily when we were first dating. I was
• 42:15
  Speaker 4: scared of getting too close to her. We had this rule.
• 42:17
  Speaker 4: Emily mentioned it to me two days ago. We were
• 42:20
  Speaker 4: laying in bed in the morning and she was like,
• 42:22
  Speaker 4: remember when you had this rule that we couldn't see
• 42:24
  Speaker 4: each other two days in a row and I was like,
• 42:26
  Speaker 4: oh my god, why did you put up with this?
• 42:29
  Speaker 4: And seriously, yeah, it was fear. It was fear. I
• 42:34
  Speaker 4: was scared, like if I get too close to her
• 42:36
  Speaker 4: that I have to tell my parents. And my parents
• 42:39
  Speaker 4: accepted her and they're wonderful and they're very close. But
• 42:43
  Speaker 4: with some families from Pakistan India, the threat of being
• 42:47
  Speaker 4: excommunicated from the family is very real. Like I lose
• 42:50
  Speaker 4: situations where they're like they just never talked to each other.
• 42:54
  Speaker 7: Again. Yeah, I have a lot of friends that are
• 42:56
  Speaker 7: like Hindu and sick, so like I get that, but
• 42:59
  Speaker 7: like I struggle with I feel like I do everything
• 43:02
  Speaker 7: for him, and I mean I do it because I
• 43:04
  Speaker 7: want to, but also there comes a point where you
• 43:07
  Speaker 7: got to you have to meet somebody in the middle.
• 43:09
  Speaker 7: And I feel like he cares about me, but like
• 43:12
  Speaker 7: he's also like his behavior is like I don't care.
• 43:16
  Speaker 4: How long have you guys been together?
• 43:17
  Speaker 7: A little over nine months, that's one. But he asked
• 43:21
  Speaker 7: me out and in my mind, like now, I'm like,
• 43:23
  Speaker 7: why would you do that if you know you're not
• 43:26
  Speaker 7: emotionally developed or ready. I think he lacked that because
• 43:31
  Speaker 7: I called him crying the other night, and he was like,
• 43:33
  Speaker 7: I'm not going to talk to you if you're crying.
• 43:35
  Speaker 6: He's like, I'll thought.
• 43:36
  Speaker 7: He was like, I hang up on my mom when
• 43:38
  Speaker 7: she's crying. I don't want to deal with that.
• 43:41
  Speaker 4: Well, so I guess there's two. There's two things here. One,
• 43:46
  Speaker 4: a lot of this behavior has nothing to do with you.
• 43:48
  Speaker 4: It feels like he has some personal growth to do
• 43:51
  Speaker 4: and a lot of cultural stuff to deal with that
• 43:54
  Speaker 4: can only be dealt with once he's achieved that personal
• 43:56
  Speaker 4: growth mm hm. And two, I guess you decide whether
• 44:00
  Speaker 4: that's something you want to hang around for.
• 44:03
  Speaker 7: Yeah, Like, he's such a good person, but I don't
• 44:06
  Speaker 7: know how much I can deal with more.
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: Listen, Kamal has shed a lot of light on this
• 44:11
  Speaker 1: a lot of light that I would not have been
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: able to shed. So I'm very grateful that he's here
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: to help you today. So Catherine, great for lining up
• 44:17
  Speaker 1: these questions specific also for this episode where we have
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: someone who is more well versed in all of this cultural.
• 44:24
  Speaker 2: Stuff that you have to deal with.
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: So while you can have come compassion for him and
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: understand that his culture is plays such a big role
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: in his life, his relationship with his family all of
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: these things, even the relationship with dogs, like Kamail telling
• 44:39
  Speaker 1: us that is like it really sheds a lot of light,
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: but it doesn't really excuse it doesn't really make you.
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: You're not there just to wait until he starts to
• 44:47
  Speaker 1: get his shit together. There's a couple of things that
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: are not really tolerable. One is like an unwilling to
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: be open to trying to understand your relationship with your
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: animal because that's your dog is not going anywhere. The
• 45:00
  Speaker 1: other thing that is real, like really not acceptable is
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: for you to be upset and him not to be
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: able to have the emotional bandwidth to deal with your upsetness,
• 45:10
  Speaker 1: Like you crying can't be a reason for him to
• 45:13
  Speaker 1: hang the phone up.
• 45:14
  Speaker 2: So I think like.
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: There are some boundaries that he's crossed that it might
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: be helpful for you to write it write down rather
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: than having a conversation about and saying these are the
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: things that I'm not okay with. It's been nine months.
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: I understand culturally even you know, relay what you learned
• 45:30
  Speaker 1: on this phone call, but also just say like these
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: are kind of things that are non negotiable for me.
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: So if you can't make the effort like to actually
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: figure out how we can take the next steps and
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: you can be more open to my personality, to my lifestyle,
• 45:47
  Speaker 1: to my culture where we can kind of join our
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: cultures together. Then there's a lot of red flags here,
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: and I understand where you come from, but you also
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: need to do some work.
• 45:57
  Speaker 7: Yeah, I need to get it together.
• 46:00
  Speaker 4: Because well, like not you him, he needs to get
• 46:03
  Speaker 4: it Yeah.
• 46:04
  Speaker 6: True, but you.
• 46:05
  Speaker 1: Do need to get it together too, because you're letting
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: somebody be craven around you, like yeah, cowardly, and you're
• 46:12
  Speaker 1: letting them cross into your emotional space and it's it's
• 46:15
  Speaker 1: not making you feel good. So you have to actually
• 46:18
  Speaker 1: set a boundary and if he can meet it, great,
• 46:21
  Speaker 1: If he can meet it and say, okay, I'm ready
• 46:23
  Speaker 1: to do the work.
• 46:24
  Speaker 2: You know, this has been nine months. We've been you know,
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: shown that we have a lot to work towards and
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: build on. Great. But if he can't, then that's your answer.
• 46:33
  Speaker 6: I don't know if he's willing to put in the work.
• 46:34
  Speaker 7: And I think I think I know in my heart
• 46:36
  Speaker 7: what I need to do, But it's that people pleasing
• 46:39
  Speaker 7: part of me that like wants to hold on to
• 46:41
  Speaker 7: the littlest thing but in doing so, I hurt myself
• 46:44
  Speaker 7: and it's not worth it.
• 46:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you have to be If you're not advocating for yourself,
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: no one will. So you really have to prioritize yourself
• 46:53
  Speaker 1: in every relationship that you have to be the best,
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: to be the most honest, to be compassionate, to be empathetic.
• 46:59
  Speaker 1: All of the things that you're bringing to the table
• 47:01
  Speaker 1: you need returned.
• 47:02
  Speaker 4: I was gonna say, I mean, you know, him not
• 47:05
  Speaker 4: being able to talk to you when you are crying,
• 47:08
  Speaker 4: says about he's terrified of his own emotions. Obviously he
• 47:11
  Speaker 4: doesn't know how to deal with that. That can come
• 47:13
  Speaker 4: from cultural stuff. But it's like Chelsea's saying, part of
• 47:18
  Speaker 4: me when I became a grown up one of the things.
• 47:20
  Speaker 4: And this is going to sound this is not applicable
• 47:23
  Speaker 4: to your current situation, but I realized, like, just because
• 47:27
  Speaker 4: I know this is again not to your situation, just
• 47:29
  Speaker 4: because I know why someone sucks doesn't mean they don't suck. So,
• 47:33
  Speaker 4: for instance, I would see someone who is a dick
• 47:35
  Speaker 4: and I'd be like, oh, it's because you're like scared
• 47:37
  Speaker 4: of this other thing. Doesn't matter. You're still affecting me
• 47:40
  Speaker 4: the same way, And you got to deal with your shit.
• 47:42
  Speaker 4: And I look at every relationship I have in my life,
• 47:45
  Speaker 4: romantic friends, whatever, very practically I look at it and
• 47:50
  Speaker 4: I think, am I putting in more than I'm getting
• 47:52
  Speaker 4: out of this? And obviously there are times where your
• 47:54
  Speaker 4: friends are going through the thing, you know, and there's
• 47:56
  Speaker 4: an imbalance, and that's totally fine. But overall I've had
• 48:00
  Speaker 4: I've ended friendships because I'm like, it's been years and
• 48:02
  Speaker 4: I've just put in more than I get out and
• 48:05
  Speaker 4: I just have to end this friendship. And I think
• 48:07
  Speaker 4: it's extra truth for romantic situations.
• 48:10
  Speaker 7: Yeah, no, I completely agree with you there. I think
• 48:13
  Speaker 7: just sticking to what I know and what I need
• 48:15
  Speaker 7: to do is going to be something I need to
• 48:17
  Speaker 7: focus on, especially like if I want to be happy
• 48:20
  Speaker 7: and like have a good future, you know what I mean.
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, you set the standards like for how people treat you,
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: So I really would advise putting in an email like
• 48:28
  Speaker 1: and really just a thoughtful explanation of where you are
• 48:32
  Speaker 1: and what you expect and if he can't deliver it,
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: no problem. But we're not going to continue in a
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: romantic relationship.
• 48:39
  Speaker 6: No, no resentments. It is what it is, you know,
• 48:42
  Speaker 6: what I mean, no harm, no foul.
• 48:44
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and keep us posted. Will you please let us
• 48:47
  Speaker 2: check in?
• 48:48
  Speaker 6: Yes, I will do a follow up. Thank you guys. Okay,
• 48:50
  Speaker 6: I love meeting you. Bye, thank you guys.
• 48:54
  Speaker 2: We're going to take a.
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: Break and come back and wrap up. Maybe we have
• 48:57
  Speaker 1: a quick one Catherine to wrap up. Yes, okay, great, okay,
• 49:00
  Speaker 1: So we'll take a break and we'll be right back
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: with Kameel Gianni and we're back with Kamal Camel. That
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: was very insightful. So first of all, thanks for fucking
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: bringing it, because if you hadn't been here today, I
• 49:14
  Speaker 1: would have been like, yeah, I would have had no compassion.
• 49:17
  Speaker 2: For that other guy.
• 49:18
  Speaker 4: Well, it's I just understand the situation. However, what you
• 49:22
  Speaker 4: said is very right. He's got to figure out what's
• 49:25
  Speaker 4: right for himself, whether dealing with all this cultural baggage,
• 49:28
  Speaker 4: whatever it is, it's all real. It's there for a reason. However,
• 49:33
  Speaker 4: if this person's not meeting you, they're not meeting you.
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: You know it is what it is, right, right, Okay, Catherine,
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: what do we have to close out?
• 49:39
  Speaker 5: All right?
• 49:40
  Speaker 3: Well, I've got a question about tipping.
• 49:42
  Speaker 5: So Regina says, I try to be a good tipper
• 49:46
  Speaker 5: tipping at least but usually over twenty percent. My dad,
• 49:49
  Speaker 5: on the other hand, is a horribly embarrassing tipper. Anytime
• 49:54
  Speaker 5: we go out to eat together, I overtip on my
• 49:56
  Speaker 5: bill and hide money under my plate to make up
• 49:58
  Speaker 5: for what he shorts them. A few weeks ago, at
• 50:00
  Speaker 5: a family dinner, tipping was brought up, and I explained
• 50:03
  Speaker 5: that you should tip well, especially if it's a slower
• 50:05
  Speaker 5: day for the restaurant, because of how little way staff
• 50:08
  Speaker 5: are paid by the hour. Minimum wage where we live
• 50:10
  Speaker 5: is two dollars and fifteen cents per hour. He couldn't
• 50:13
  Speaker 5: believe it was so low. He and his girlfriend googled
• 50:15
  Speaker 5: it and were blown away. She even said, Wow, that's
• 50:18
  Speaker 5: not much at all. Fast forward at dinner with him
• 50:21
  Speaker 5: and his girlfriend the following week, at a restaurant that
• 50:23
  Speaker 5: I visit weekly, he offered to buy my meal. It
• 50:27
  Speaker 5: was super sweet of him, and I was really thankful.
• 50:29
  Speaker 5: He's known to be really frugal in general, so him
• 50:31
  Speaker 5: offering to buy mine was a pretty big deal. Anyway,
• 50:34
  Speaker 5: after receiving fantastic service, when it came time to tip,
• 50:38
  Speaker 5: he looked at his girlfriend and said, I didn't bring cash,
• 50:40
  Speaker 5: did you?
• 50:40
  Speaker 3: Have tip money.
• 50:41
  Speaker 5: She pulled a thick stack of cash from her purse
• 50:43
  Speaker 5: and handed him a five dollar bill. Our bill was
• 50:46
  Speaker 5: eighty three dollars. Not only did he tip five dollars
• 50:48
  Speaker 5: on an eighty three dollars bill, he called for the
• 50:51
  Speaker 5: waiter and handed him his tip to ensure he got it.
• 50:54
  Speaker 5: I was so embarrassed, so much so that when they
• 50:56
  Speaker 5: were standing up to gather the things to leave, thinking
• 50:59
  Speaker 5: they were distracted, I turned to the waiter and said,
• 51:01
  Speaker 5: my dad's a horrible tipper. I don't have cash on me,
• 51:04
  Speaker 5: but I'll bring some back for you.
• 51:05
  Speaker 4: Well.
• 51:06
  Speaker 5: I turned around and my dad and his girlfriend were
• 51:07
  Speaker 5: looking at me with a look of disbelief. They clearly
• 51:10
  Speaker 5: had heard what I said. I could have crawled under
• 51:12
  Speaker 5: the table. I came back later that day and gave
• 51:15
  Speaker 5: the waiter a twenty. Them catching me talking to the
• 51:18
  Speaker 5: waiter has been weighing on me hard, and I feel awful.
• 51:20
  Speaker 3: He was being nice by buying my dinner.
• 51:22
  Speaker 5: We had a great time until the check came, but
• 51:24
  Speaker 5: he knows how I feel about tipping. I eat at
• 51:26
  Speaker 5: this restaurant a lot. I know the waiter well, and
• 51:28
  Speaker 5: I was so embarrassed. Am I the asshole for telling
• 51:31
  Speaker 5: the waiter i'd bring him more money and adding tip
• 51:33
  Speaker 5: money behind my dad's back. I know I should have
• 51:35
  Speaker 5: waited until we left to avoid being caught, and we'll
• 51:38
  Speaker 5: do that going forward, But really, should I let it
• 51:40
  Speaker 5: go and move on, or should I tuck my tail
• 51:42
  Speaker 5: and apologize for lying to his face?
• 51:44
  Speaker 3: Ps?
• 51:45
  Speaker 5: My dad is not hurting for money, it's just who
• 51:46
  Speaker 5: he is. Regina, No, Regina, you're totally in the right.
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: In fact, I was gonna say, make sure you humiliate
• 51:54
  Speaker 1: him every time you go out to dinner and say,
• 51:56
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry about my father's tip. Here's an extra
• 51:59
  Speaker 1: twenty dollars to make up for it. My father once
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: came into a restaurant that I was waiting tables in
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: and didn't leave.
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: Me a tip.
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: Like that's how vinerious my own father was. And wait,
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: I have an even better story. A few months ago,
• 52:12
  Speaker 1: I was doing some shows in the Hamptons in West Hampton,
• 52:15
  Speaker 1: and we, like my crew, and I went out before right.
• 52:18
  Speaker 2: I had a bunch of friends there and my.
• 52:20
  Speaker 1: Assistant, one of my assistants, was with me, and he
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: always pays right, I get a DM We got to
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: this beautiful dinner they wrote, they send us all this
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: free food.
• 52:29
  Speaker 2: They're so happy we're there. Couldn't have been more pleasant.
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: I get home that night and I'm going through my
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: dms on Instagram and the server goes, was something wrong
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: with the service?
• 52:38
  Speaker 2: You only left fifteen percent? And I was like, what, no.
• 52:43
  Speaker 1: I all I do is talk about tipping. And I've
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: been a waitress.
• 52:46
  Speaker 2: I know it. And I've run downstairs to car. We're
• 52:49
  Speaker 2: in the house. I run downstairs, I'm like, go out.
• 52:53
  Speaker 1: You did only ten fifty eight percent at that fucking restaurant.
• 52:56
  Speaker 2: And he's like what what. I'm like, this guy just
• 52:58
  Speaker 2: DM me look.
• 53:00
  Speaker 1: And he's like, oh my god, oh my god. I
• 53:01
  Speaker 1: just tried to add it up quickly in my head
• 53:03
  Speaker 1: to go. You can never tip fifteen percent. It's got
• 53:06
  Speaker 1: to be, especially from someone who could afford it twenty
• 53:09
  Speaker 1: five percent, twenty five percent if you have money. I
• 53:12
  Speaker 1: understand a lot of people don't have excess cash. I
• 53:15
  Speaker 1: get that, but also you have to understand waitresses, servers
• 53:19
  Speaker 1: work on tips. So like he went back, he had
• 53:22
  Speaker 1: to go back with an envelope with more cash. The
• 53:24
  Speaker 1: next day, walk into the restaurant and be like, I'm
• 53:27
  Speaker 1: so sorry, I'm with Chelsea Handler.
• 53:30
  Speaker 2: She got your DM. We're so sorry we did leave me.
• 53:33
  Speaker 2: Thanks for him for reading out too. Wolos goes to me.
• 53:35
  Speaker 2: He goes, I can't believe that guy DMed you. I go,
• 53:38
  Speaker 2: I can. I want him to. I want people to
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: tell me if I'm misbehaving. Absolutely, don't you agree, Kamil.
• 53:45
  Speaker 4: It's better that he dmviewed and didn't tell his friends,
• 53:49
  Speaker 4: Like Chelsea Handler is a bad tipper. Yeah, like this
• 53:52
  Speaker 4: is way better. I could not agree with you more.
• 53:55
  Speaker 4: Fuck that dad, because that was going to be like,
• 53:57
  Speaker 4: maybe it's the financial situation. If he can afford it,
• 54:00
  Speaker 4: you have to tip. Well, it's a hard job. They're
• 54:03
  Speaker 4: bringing you your food. It's a hard job. And I've
• 54:07
  Speaker 4: worked in food service, and yeah, especially for us, you know,
• 54:11
  Speaker 4: people know we can afford it. We really have to.
• 54:13
  Speaker 4: But you have to tip at least twenty percent because
• 54:16
  Speaker 4: they don't make a living.
• 54:18
  Speaker 5: Wage otherwise, right, right, twenty percent is like the minimum.
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: And you also are paying taxes. You have to understand
• 54:24
  Speaker 1: servers are paying taxes. If you leave a tip on
• 54:27
  Speaker 1: a credit card, they're paying taxes on the amount that
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: you tip them. So it's always better to leave cash.
• 54:33
  Speaker 1: But keep that in mind, like they're not just getting
• 54:36
  Speaker 1: that tip scott free. They have to pay taxes on
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: that in almost every state, so it varies from state
• 54:41
  Speaker 1: to state and that changes all the time.
• 54:43
  Speaker 2: But just keep that in mind when you are going
• 54:45
  Speaker 2: out to.
• 54:45
  Speaker 1: Eat and if you can't afford to tip, order some
• 54:48
  Speaker 1: fucking takeout, then you know, and then you could tip
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: ten percent or fifteen percent.
• 54:52
  Speaker 5: Yeah, And I think one way around this and maybe
• 54:55
  Speaker 5: it will sort of like Jyre, something loose for your
• 54:57
  Speaker 5: dad is just to be like, even if you're covering
• 54:59
  Speaker 5: your own meal, I'll be like, let me get tip.
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: I got absolutely to our person that wrote in you
• 55:05
  Speaker 1: should not be apologizing to your father for his bad tipping.
• 55:09
  Speaker 1: He just learned how much they make an hour, which
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: is less than three dollars, and he.
• 55:14
  Speaker 2: Still wanted to tip five dollars on an eighty.
• 55:16
  Speaker 1: Three dollars bill. No, why are you putting your tail
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: between your legs. His tail should be between his legs.
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: I would encourage you every time you go out to
• 55:24
  Speaker 1: dinner with your father to take out a twenty dollars
• 55:26
  Speaker 1: and go Dad, you're a terrible tipper.
• 55:27
  Speaker 2: I'm sorry. Like it's embarrassing. That's the truth.
• 55:31
  Speaker 4: When I go out with friends and they're like, I
• 55:33
  Speaker 4: want to cover it, I know which friends. I'm like,
• 55:35
  Speaker 4: all right, I'm gonna like to have to hide and
• 55:37
  Speaker 4: put some money down here because it is embarrassing. Tip
• 55:40
  Speaker 4: is not extra. Tip is part of what you owe
• 55:43
  Speaker 4: the restaurant.
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: Exactly, exactly.
• 55:46
  Speaker 1: Okay, Well, Comail, you've been an absolute pleasure. I love
• 55:49
  Speaker 1: talking to you. You're so great. Your stand up special
• 55:53
  Speaker 1: is so fucking funny. I hope you win a golden globe.
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: It's called night Thoughts you guys, It's on you.
• 55:59
  Speaker 2: You can watch it Hulu. You can watch it on
• 56:01
  Speaker 2: Disney Hulu. Either one. And then he has a show?
• 56:04
  Speaker 2: Did I say? I said, I think you corrected me?
• 56:07
  Speaker 3: Fall Out?
• 56:07
  Speaker 2: Fallout?
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, fallout, but then Ella McKay correct Mackay.
• 56:13
  Speaker 2: You said mackay. But I think it's McKay.
• 56:15
  Speaker 4: I think you're right.
• 56:16
  Speaker 2: I think I think so too.
• 56:21
  Speaker 1: Okay, come have a wonderful, wonderful day, and please extend
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: my good wishes to your wife too.
• 56:27
  Speaker 2: You guys are a cute, cute couple.
• 56:29
  Speaker 4: I will thank you. This was such a joy.
• 56:32
  Speaker 2: I love it. Okay, have a great Thanks.
• 56:34
  Speaker 8: Mail, The word of the week is pred election noun
• 56:41
  Speaker 8: an established preference for something. Your mother in law has
• 56:46
  Speaker 8: a pred election for sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.
• 56:51
  Speaker 3: Pred election.
• 56:57
  Speaker 2: I just announced all my tour dates.
• 56:58
  Speaker 1: That's called the High and My I will be touring
• 57:02
  Speaker 1: from February through June, So go get your tickets now
• 57:06
  Speaker 1: if you want good seats and you want to come
• 57:08
  Speaker 1: see me perform, I will be on the High and
• 57:10
  Speaker 1: Mighty tour.
• 57:12
  Speaker 3: Do you want advice from Chelsea?
• 57:13
  Speaker 5: Right into Dear Chelsea Podcast at gmail dot com. Find
• 57:17
  Speaker 5: full video episodes of Dear Chelsea on YouTube by searching
• 57:20
  Speaker 5: at Dear Chelsea Pod. Dear Chelsea is edited and engineered
• 57:24
  Speaker 5: by Brad Dickert executive producer Catherine Law and be sure
• 57:27
  Speaker 5: to check out our merch at Chelseahandler dot com