Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #571 I'll Do Better Tomorrow

Transcript

#571 I'll Do Better Tomorrow · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families Podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now I'm just listening with a smile eye face. I
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  Speaker 2: love that you're telling me about neuroscience. So this is
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  Speaker 2: great from not quite doctor Kylie Colson.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe it's Friday again. I can't believe that
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  Speaker 2: we're halfway through August. I can't believe that we're nearly
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: at the end of the year, missus Happy Families. What's
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  Speaker 2: going on.
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  Speaker 3: I'm not someone who counts down the days until Christmas
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  Speaker 3: like some people do, but I am actually getting really
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  Speaker 3: excited about Christmas.
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  Speaker 2: I can't believe we're even talking about it. September Father's stay,
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  Speaker 2: It's a couple of weeks away, and then it's I mean,
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  Speaker 2: then it's the end of term three and the downhill
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  Speaker 2: runs through term four to the end of the year.
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  Speaker 2: Holy smokes. We should get on with today's podcast. There's
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  Speaker 2: a lot to discuss. Thank you so much for joining
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  Speaker 2: us on the Happy Family Podcast. I'm justin he with Kylie.
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  Speaker 2: We've got six kids. I've written books about making families
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  Speaker 2: happy and I've got a TV show called Parental Guidance
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  Speaker 2: on Channel nine. Season two is getting very very close.
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  Speaker 2: I can't wait. I cannot wait for that. We have
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  Speaker 2: had an overwhelming amount of feedback to the Happy Families
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  Speaker 2: podcast over the last week or so. Our episodes seem
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  Speaker 2: to be creating more and more conversation. Kylie. You can
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  Speaker 2: contact us about what we're talking about podcasts at happy
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  Speaker 2: families dot com DOTU. That's podcasts with an s at
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  Speaker 2: happy families dot com dot you. We love your emails.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: We love even more when you send voice memos. But
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  Speaker 2: we didn't get any voice memos this week, but we
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  Speaker 2: got a bunch of emails. There was one that came
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  Speaker 2: through from an anonymous poster from the New South Wales
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  Speaker 2: Central Coast in response to episode five hundred and sixty eight.
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  Speaker 2: This was the one where we talked about do you
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  Speaker 2: leave your kids in the same school just so they
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  Speaker 2: can have the stability that they need, or do you
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  Speaker 2: move them because things aren't quite right? And that wrestle
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  Speaker 2: that we had in episode five hundred and sixty eight.
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  Speaker 2: So many parents are asking that question, trying to figure
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  Speaker 2: out how do I choose a school for my child? Well,
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  Speaker 2: We also just talked about the general process of choosing
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  Speaker 2: the school. But this feedback was great.
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  Speaker 3: In the podcast, I actually had posed the question, I
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  Speaker 3: wonder what it would have done for our kids if
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  Speaker 3: we personally had have stayed put, if we had just
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  Speaker 3: left them in the same school, in the same community,
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  Speaker 3: whether it would have helped to build their resilience and
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  Speaker 3: sense of security and stability in their lives. And this
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  Speaker 3: listener has wrestled with us as she shared all of
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  Speaker 3: her concerns and thoughts, but she acknowledged that in hindsight,
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  Speaker 3: we should have actually moved out of the area to
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  Speaker 3: find another school for our daughter. They did that. They
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  Speaker 3: stayed put, they stayed safe, and they've recognized looking back
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  Speaker 3: over it, just how detrimental it was for their daughter.
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  Speaker 2: Which makes it so hard because you hear that, you're like, oh, well,
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  Speaker 2: maybe we should move, But then you think, but if
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  Speaker 2: we move, what's going to happen? You just never know,
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  Speaker 2: But I guess if you're in a tough spot. And
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  Speaker 2: also gave us similar feedback when she about that episode
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  Speaker 2: and episode five hundred and sixty six. But the line
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  Speaker 2: that I'm going to read from her email really simple.
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  Speaker 2: She said, thank you for your honesty about the struggles.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely love Kylie. Everyone loves Kylie. No one of us
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  Speaker 2: says absolutely love justin everyone always says absolutely love Coyllie.
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  Speaker 2: We get this feedback all the time. Everyone loves Kylie.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just thank you.
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  Speaker 3: Just so, we got some awesome feedback from the mailbox
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  Speaker 3: from Kelly. She's actually a happy Family's member. And this
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  Speaker 3: is in relation to episode five six ' five where
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  Speaker 3: we talked about whether or not kids have the capacity
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  Speaker 3: to push our buttons.
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  Speaker 2: And I basically said, no, you've They're your buttons, you
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  Speaker 2: protect them, and you choose no one can make you cranky.
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  Speaker 3: She said, I normally listened to your podcast kid Free
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  Speaker 3: on my way to work, but today I chose to
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  Speaker 3: listen to it in the car with my two children.
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  Speaker 3: My son pushes my daughters and our buttons all the time,
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  Speaker 3: so I felt it could.
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  Speaker 2: Be a benefit. I was wrong.
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  Speaker 3: My seven year old son doesn't miss a beat, and
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  Speaker 3: when you explained it that actually we need to check
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  Speaker 3: in with our because it's not the kid's fault we
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  Speaker 3: had triggered. His response from the backseat of the car.
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  Speaker 2: Arms in the air, was thank you. Myself and my.
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  Speaker 3: Nine year old daughter looked at each other and laughed naturally.
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  Speaker 3: It was very beneficial, and I learned about win win,
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  Speaker 3: which is new to me. Thanks for all the wonderfully
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  Speaker 3: insightful podcasts.
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  Speaker 2: I wonder I imagine, I notice what great what a
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  Speaker 2: great email? I can imagine seven year old is going. Yes,
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  Speaker 2: I can keep on doing. I can keep on destroying
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  Speaker 2: everybody's lives.
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  Speaker 3: It's up to you.
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  Speaker 2: Whether you get mad at me or not.
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  Speaker 3: If it had it been our eight year old, she
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  Speaker 3: would have been victory.
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  Speaker 2: She could all right. So let's talk about old. Do
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  Speaker 2: better tomorrow, Collie. We had a whole bunch of other
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  Speaker 2: emails that we won't dive into because there's just too
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  Speaker 2: much to talk about. But thank you so much for
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  Speaker 2: taking the time. We know you're busy, and you're actually
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  Speaker 2: taking time out of your day to send us an
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  Speaker 2: email about what we're talking about. We just we appreciate
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  Speaker 2: it so much. I'll do better tomorrow is what we
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  Speaker 2: usually talk about once we've been into the mail bag
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  Speaker 2: every Friday, and today, Kylie, I'll do better tomorrow from you?
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  Speaker 2: What have you got for us?
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  Speaker 3: Well it's not book Club, but I couldn't wait for
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  Speaker 3: book clubs, so I had to share a little bit
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  Speaker 3: of an insight. I'm not reading a parenting book at all.
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  Speaker 3: I'm actually reading a book about It's Conversations about Trauma,
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  Speaker 3: Resilience and Healing by Oprah Winfrey and Bruce D. Perry.
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  Speaker 3: But what came out of it as I was reading
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  Speaker 3: just the other morning was just such a beautiful aha moment.
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  Speaker 3: When I think about a couple of quirks that one
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  Speaker 3: of our children has. The line that stood out to
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  Speaker 3: me was just said, in order to communicate rationally and
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  Speaker 3: successfully with anyone, you have to make sure they're regulated,
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  Speaker 3: make sure they feel a sense of relationship with you,
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  Speaker 3: and only then try to reason with them. Such a
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  Speaker 3: simple line. But I was thinking about our eight year
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  Speaker 3: old in particular, and as part of the book, he
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  Speaker 3: actually talks about the fact that when we get simulars,
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  Speaker 3: it actually is processed from the lower part of our
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  Speaker 3: brain through to the top part. The lower part is survival. Rake,
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  Speaker 3: you would probably be able to explain this a lot
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  Speaker 3: better than me, but at the lower part of your brain,
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  Speaker 3: it's just it's lower function. You talk about this idea
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  Speaker 3: of high emotions, low intelligence, because everything happens at that
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  Speaker 3: space at the You're having so much fun watching me
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  Speaker 3: struggle to explain this, aren't you.
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  Speaker 2: I'm just listening. I'm just listening with a smile, eye face.
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  Speaker 2: I love that you're telling me about neuroscience. This is great.
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  Speaker 2: The neuropsychology of the child brain from.
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  Speaker 3: Should from a layman's perposepective, from not quite doctor Kylie Coulson.
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  Speaker 3: So when when our stress response is.
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  Speaker 2: I know you've got this, you can do it. I
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  Speaker 2: believe in you. See what's happening right now is you're
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  Speaker 2: starting to feel panicked. Your lower brain is taking over
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  Speaker 2: your the higher part of your brain, it's not quite
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  Speaker 2: connecting right now. You're feeling stress and pressure, and as
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  Speaker 2: a result of that stress and pressure, your capacity to
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  Speaker 2: find your language and to articulate your words is diminishing.
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  Speaker 2: Your lower brain is taking over and saying you just
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  Speaker 2: need to breathe, You just need to survive this. You've
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  Speaker 2: never tried to explain neuropsychology on the podcast before. That's
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  Speaker 2: Justin's idea, that's Justin's job, and it's getting really hard
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  Speaker 2: for you. But that's kind of what you're trying to
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  Speaker 2: get at, isn't it. That's exactly right. Did I do
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  Speaker 2: a good job.
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  Speaker 3: I think I've painted the picture beautifully. Is not working
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  Speaker 3: right now. My high brain is not functioning. And that's
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  Speaker 3: exactly what happens to our children, and so we Our
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  Speaker 3: eight year old has very big emotions. And what happens
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  Speaker 3: when she gets into those emotions, whether it be it's
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  Speaker 3: time for school, it's time for bed, time to pack up,
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  Speaker 3: it's time to eat, time to give me a hug,
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  Speaker 3: it's time to do anything, she has an outburst of emotion.
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  Speaker 3: And what I've noticed is that when I try to
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  Speaker 3: respond to her, it actually increases the response I don't
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  Speaker 3: actually want.
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  Speaker 2: Do you know why?
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  Speaker 3: Yes, because she's emotionally flooded, and she's only working from
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  Speaker 3: her lower brain.
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  Speaker 2: That's part of it. But what are words when that's
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  Speaker 2: where you're working from.
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  Speaker 3: It's just noise.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's additional stimulus that you've already got too much
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  Speaker 2: going on. Your brain's retreating and now there's more being
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  Speaker 2: dumped onto you by your parent in the form of
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  Speaker 2: your parents communicating it's just too much stimulus. Therefore, the
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  Speaker 2: brain goes push like that and the outburst gets worse,
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  Speaker 2: not better. So what you've read essentially is saying when
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  Speaker 2: your kids are angry, they're disregulated, the relationships in tatters,
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  Speaker 2: and they have no capacity for reason.
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  Speaker 3: And I have been trying to motivate her by encouragement.
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  Speaker 3: You know, she doesn't want to go to school. And
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  Speaker 3: my next line would be, if we don't leave now,
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  Speaker 3: you're going to miss out on having time with so
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  Speaker 3: and so. Or if we don't leave now, then we're
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  Speaker 3: not going to be able to make it to the
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  Speaker 3: library on time so you can get your book or
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  Speaker 3: whatever it is. So it's not I'm not dangling a carrot.
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  Speaker 3: It's just an acknowledgment. This is what's coming up.
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  Speaker 2: And I know you enjoy it, but.
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  Speaker 3: She doesn't hear that. It just like you said, it's
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  Speaker 3: just extra stimulus when her brain is already not functioning
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  Speaker 3: properly and it just blows out. What I actually need
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  Speaker 3: to do is to just stop, literally just stop, because
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  Speaker 3: when I don't say anything, she'll storm off, and within
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  Speaker 3: about two minutes she's back in the room, completely functional,
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  Speaker 3: and she's really ready to talk to me. But the
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  Speaker 3: AHA moment for me was actually understanding what is happening.
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  Speaker 3: I can see it happening, but I've never actually understood
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  Speaker 3: the science behind it, and having understood the science behind
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  Speaker 3: it now makes it so much easier for me to
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  Speaker 3: just stop.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I'm so glad that being married to me and
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  Speaker 2: reading all of my books for all these years has
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  Speaker 2: helped you to now read this book by Oprah Winfrey
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  Speaker 2: and understand the brain science.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I don't think I really do, obviously clearly having
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  Speaker 3: a hard time explaining it, but just that one little
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  Speaker 3: line has made a really big difference to the way
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  Speaker 3: I see and perceive what's going on now with Emily More.
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  Speaker 2: I'll do better tomorrow next.
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  Speaker 1: It's their Happy Family's podcast.
• 10:15
  Speaker 2: Your son just jumped from the veranda into the pool again?
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: Or stay it up way too late playing video games?
• 10:23
  Speaker 2: As a parent, you just don't get it. His actions
• 10:26
  Speaker 2: are baffling and sometimes terrifying. If you're wondering what's going on,
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: you're not alone. Check out the free can We Please
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: Talk About Boys? Webinar available now on The Happy Family's webshop,
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: and learn just what's going on and how you can help.
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: It's The Happy Family's podcast, the podcast for the time
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  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now, And I'm guess
• 10:47
  Speaker 3: You're going to have a much better job explaining your thing.
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  Speaker 2: So this week I've been in New Zealand for most
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: of the week. I've got to spend some really fun
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: time with the kids when I came home. But my
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  Speaker 2: I'll do better tomorrow is actually a reminder. Something happened
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: this week in Adelaide. A man a masked man allegedly
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  Speaker 2: tried to abduct a young girl at Glenelg Primary School
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  Speaker 2: in Adelaide on Tuesday morning. And when I saw the story,
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  Speaker 2: it made me pause for just that moment and consider
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  Speaker 2: how precious how kids are to us. And that's really
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  Speaker 2: my older better tomorrow. The likelihood of something like this
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  Speaker 2: happening is breathtaking low. But if it happens, if it
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  Speaker 2: happens to you, if it happens to your child, I
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  Speaker 2: don't know that you ever recover from something like that.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know how you move past the trauma, whether
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  Speaker 2: it's an attempt or the reality that it does happen.
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  Speaker 2: In the case of say the Morcambe Daniel morkhamb that
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  Speaker 2: awful story that we still talk about. That's how rare
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  Speaker 2: it is that Daniel Morcambe story is still front and
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  Speaker 2: center top of mind for us, even though it was
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  Speaker 2: so long ago. Now it rarely happens, but hearing the
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  Speaker 2: story about the little girl grade four, someone comes into
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  Speaker 2: the school and attempts to would abduct her, it really
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  Speaker 2: just hit home to me how important it is that
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  Speaker 2: we keep our kids safe, that we love them, we
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  Speaker 2: love them, we love them, and that we make sure
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  Speaker 2: that we're having the kinds of interactions with them that
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  Speaker 2: help them to know that when they're with us, they
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  Speaker 2: are secure, They're in a relationship that is protective and
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  Speaker 2: safe and beautiful. And that's kind of my take our message.
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  Speaker 2: Our kids just need to be safe. They need to
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  Speaker 2: know that we love them, and it's our job as
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  Speaker 2: parents to help them to feel that as much as
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  Speaker 2: we can. It's probably worth going through some stats just
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: to reassure parents. Our children are at far greater risk
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  Speaker 2: from people that we know and trust than they are
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  Speaker 2: from people who are outside the family, people who are
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  Speaker 2: bad actors, people who have ideas about taking them away.
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  Speaker 2: But every year or so, every six months, every year,
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  Speaker 2: we talk to our kids consistently about strangers, and we
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  Speaker 2: teach them a handful of things. We teach them that
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  Speaker 2: most strangers are good people. We teach them that if
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  Speaker 2: they're ever approached by a stranger for some unantis paid reason,
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: that they should always stay in public, and that if
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: they ever get lost or need help, that they should
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  Speaker 2: talk to a stranger. But we encourage them to look
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  Speaker 2: for a mum with kids, and that any stranger who
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  Speaker 2: asks for help from you or who tries to get
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  Speaker 2: too close to you is probably a bad actor. Because
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  Speaker 2: most adults don't rely on little kids for any help
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  Speaker 2: or don't try to become friends with little kids. There's
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  Speaker 2: something funny going on there. So what this girl did.
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  Speaker 2: She ran, she screamed, she got away, and she'd obviously
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  Speaker 2: been taught really well by her family that that's what
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  Speaker 2: you do. And what a wonderful, wonderful outcome for her
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  Speaker 2: that she was safe.
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  Speaker 3: I think your acknowledgment that the stats would show clearly
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  Speaker 3: that more times than not our children will actually be
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  Speaker 3: endangered by somebody they know means that conversations around tricky
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  Speaker 3: people are probably just as important as the conversations we
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  Speaker 3: have around stranger danger.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and even the term strange danger it's not encouraged.
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  Speaker 2: Experts in this area don't want us to be talking
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  Speaker 2: about stranger danger because we need to rely on strangers
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  Speaker 2: all the time, and most strangers really are safe. It's
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  Speaker 2: being mindful of who's being tricky, who's asking you to
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  Speaker 2: keep secrets, who's asking you to go somewhere with them
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  Speaker 2: or help them, and that just doesn't make sense. It's
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: those conversations that matter, and they're the ones that we
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  Speaker 2: need to have with our kids regularly. So that's my
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  Speaker 2: I'll Do Better Tomorrow just a reminder. If you haven't
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  Speaker 2: had a conversation like that with your kids for a while,
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: it's a good idea to do it. It's important that
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  Speaker 2: we keep our kids safe. I love yours about making
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  Speaker 2: sure that if the kids are disregulated, that we help
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  Speaker 2: them to be regulated so the relationship feel safe, so
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  Speaker 2: that you can reason together because you can't reason when
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: things are chaos. We really hope that you've enjoyed our
• 14:39
  Speaker 2: I'll Do Better Tomorrow podcast today on the Happy Families podcast,
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: which is produced by Justin ruland from Bridge Media. Craig
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: Bruce is our executive producer. Have a great weekend, and
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: if you want more and fo about making your family happier,
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: please visit us at Happy Families dot com dot au
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: or on The Doctor Justin Colson's Happy families Facebook page,
• 15:00
  Speaker 2: then