Latest / Dadical / 13. 4 Lessons From 12 Dads: Present vs. Nearby

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13. 4 Lessons From 12 Dads: Present vs. Nearby · Dadical

• Seth Stoker: Hey everybody, welcome to the Dadical Podcast. We're on the road this week. I'm in Charlotte, North Carolina, and had to make sure I get an episode out today. I'm running solo today, and a couple quick notes before we dive in. First things first I think this is very important. In fact, probably the most important thing we're gonna cover today. I know the mustache looks bad. Okay. I told my boys that the mustache looks bad and they didn't believe me because I never let it grow out, and I said, I'll prove it to you. And so I'm in the process of a very important object lesson. And I just need you guys to bear with me. So if you can, if you could bear with me for a little bit, that'd be great. I don't think it's gonna last very long. In fact, I think I have enough proof here for my point, but they're not convinced yet. So we're gonna we're gonna suffer our way through this. I have a few thoughts that have been swirling around in my head that I wanted to make sure I get out today. We've had an opportunity to have 12 episodes, in fact. thir thirteen if you count the bonus episode. And I've had a lot of amazing conversations with dads. And so I just wanted to take a moment today. we'll sit down and we'll kind of talk about I want to talk about my main takeaways from those conversations and and we'll go from there but as I think about these conversations that we've had, I'm getting a feeling that the pendulum is starting to swing a little bit in a good direction. And and I want to talk a little bit about what that means. I mean, I've had a lot of conversations about fatherhood in the last four or five months. And I think what we're seeing is actually pretty significant. in the 1960s, and and basically from the 1960s. we saw kind of a huge movement to where fatherhood really took a back seat. And you could attribute to that that to a lot of different things. I think the sexual revolution, you could call it the rise of feminism. Really you could call it whatever you want, but the bottom line is is that we went from five percent of childbirths being outside of marriage. To 30% of childbirths being outside of marriage over the span of 30 years. From 1960 to 1990, that's what we saw. And that is an incredible jump. Now, here's the thing: that matters because the number of children growing up without a father now has essentially doubled during that same time period. So what we're seeing is we're seeing way more kids being born outside of marriage. We're seeing twice as many kids being born without a father in the home. And What do we think that means? I I I think we know. In fact, if you look at the the studies and you look at the correlation between the amount of people who are incarcerated and the amount of people who grew up without fathers in the home, you can see that it has an amazing impact on our society. And I think unfortunately, we're actually seeing a lot of those negative impacts on our society right now. And, you know, I I think there's a few things that we can look at. I I I think it's pretty hard not to look back and consider how naive we were perceive the drastic increase in divorce divorce rates, the decoupling of sex from marriage, and essentially the dummification of fathers as progress. And and look, I love I I used to watch Modern Family all the time. and Modern Family I think is just a good example of it. It's a hilarious show. I I gotta kick out of it as well. But the bottom line is one of the funniest things about it was Phil was such a dang idiot. Such a bumbling idiot. He was the butt of every single joke. And we we saw in so many different representations of the family, it was you know, the the wife was was a genius, or she was the smart one, and and the father's the dumb one. He's the bumbling idiot, can't get his stuff together. And you know, that may not feel like that big of a deal, but what we What we weren't highlighting at the time were fathers who knocked it out of the park, fathers who stepped up and took responsibility and and set an incredible example for their kids and things like that. And man, I think we really missed that. Now, the idea that you don't need a man, it might make you feel good about yourself, but the data is obviously screaming otherwise. And so we live in the perfect time, I believe, to take fatherhood back. And here's what I mean by that. Think about what COVID did for families. Think about it. I mean, you had so many, even even guys who had white-collar jobs that there really wasn't any reason they had to be working outside of the home, they would leave the home every single day and they would go go to their jobs. They they they'd work with their coworkers, and and sure, there's there's a lot of productivity reasons that that probably was a good thing. In fact, I get the arguments from an employer's perspective. Of why that would be a good thing. But here's the deal. As much as I I, you know, I'm all about capitalism and earning as much money as we can and everything like that as as as everybody else is. But at the same time, it cannot come at the expense of our families and raising our children. I think we've lost sight of the most important responsibility that we have. And I think COVID gave it gave us an incredible example to take that back. So Hundreds of thousands of fathers have now been moved into the home. They're working from home and they're there. They're there in the home when the kids leave for school. They are present in the home when the kids come home from school. They can hear, know, even if they're in their office, they can hear at times one of the kids decides to challenge mom or maybe starts being disrespectful and things like that. And that's a perfect opportunity for the dad to pop out while being still incredibly productive at work, popping out and saying, hey, you're not going to talk to my wife like that. And that stuff has a huge impact. Dads are more present now than they have ever been, which means we have got such a massive opportunity as dads to really take this responsibility, just wrap our arms around it and dive in. And we can do both. I firmly believe that we can be incredibly productive at work and at the same time be very, very present for our kids and have as big of an impact as we've ever had. Now that's why I say that the pen pendulum is swinging. And and the more fathers that I talk to, I talk to other fathers that are having similar conversations, creating content about fatherhood and things like that. It is clear that we care very, very much about this right now. And I think we got to lean in. And, you know, we think about the fact of all the conflict and the polarization and and you know the the disgusting lie we get that I talked about with Jason, that you're perfect just the way you are, which just is not true. We need to be challenged. And a father's job, as much as any other job, is to challenge their kids and help them to be better. And so, you know, we've all we've all dreamed, I think daydreamed at times that that we can be the hero in some grandiose story. I mean, I think that's part of being a man in general, is you sit and dream about rescuing the damsel in distress or or conquering wild beasts and saving the world. And I think it's easy to be conditioned. You know, you can get a little cynical. And you can be conditioned that ultimately, like we're one of billions of people in this world. The likelihood that we're gonna be able to have a significant impact is nearly zero. And it's really easy to talk yourself into that. It's really easy to ultimately believe that all this saving the world crap is just a figment of your imagination. the more conversations I have about fatherhood, the more convinced I become, more than anything else, that dads can change the world. Think about what it would mean if we as dads become great dads. We help other dads become great dads. And then Those dads raise even more excellent kids, more well-adjusted kids who are respectful and unselfish and prepared for the challenges that they're gonna face. They're resilient kids who are ready to get through challenges with a positive attitude while still loving and serving others. Imagine for a second a world where that becomes a reality, where we have so many more amazing kids in the world who have been raised right. they become parents and raise an even better generation. Just think about that for a minute. You want to change the world? You can. But don't miss the forest through the trees, man. It starts in your own home. Save the world in your own home first. Okay, so we're 12 episodes and 900 streams in. We've had a lot of conversations about fatherhood, and I've seen some killer themes. And so I want to talk to you about some of the themes that have stuck out to me. And I'm really interested, interested to hear if if your takeaways have been the same as mine. But man, the theme that has stuck out to me. Over and over and over, and you you know, I'm gonna sound like a broken record because I've said this quite a bit on the podcast, but a huge theme that sticks out to me is love their mom. And that seems so simple. And you know, maybe it even seems like a foregone conclusion, but man, I'll tell you, it has such an incredible impact on these kids to see what a healthy relationship looks like. And and yes, you know, it's definitely important for us to provide. A safe and peaceful home. It it's definitely important for us to model what a healthy relationship looks like. But I think it goes deeper than that. I think there's so much more the k the kids gain from watching a mother and father who work together for a common goal. They learn sacrifice, compromise. Look, I and and and I'm not the best at it. I've I've got times where where my wife has had to say, Hey, you know, maybe we're golfing a little too much, or or Are you sure you're gonna go play pickleball again? You know, I've definitely run into that. and and at the same time, we we keep each other in check and and and we make those sacrifices because we know that there's more important things that we have to do than than just the stuff that we want to do. And and and these are sacrifices that we make every day in order to have a successful relationship. Because I know if I'm not pulling my weight, then I'm not being a good partner to my wife. And vice versa, if if she's not doing the same thing. Then she's not being a good partner to me. And your kids are watching those things and they start to understand that, hey, living this life is more than just about myself. It's about more than just myself and what I want. And in order to truly be fulfilled, I'm probably gonna have to sacrifice some of those wants at times in order to preserve the relationship that I really care about. And so it's so important that they see that. I think another thing that is crucial on this is forgiveness. I mean, look, you are gonna screw up, your wife's gonna screw up, and you guys are gonna get into it at times. And I do think it's important that we don't fight like crazy in front of our kids or anything like that. But at the same time, our kids aren't stupid either. They know when there's conflict, they they know when mom does something to make me mad or or the other way around. And I think how you handle that also is critically important for them And it's so important for me as a dad to be able to go to my wife and say, Hey, you know what? You're right. I screwed up on that one. I screwed up. I'm gonna fix it. And you know, I I think that kids understanding that you're not always right a hundred percent of the time, and you don't have to dig your heels in a hundred percent of the time, and understanding that, yeah, it's okay to say that I was wrong, man, that is such an important thing. And that's what a successful relationship. A healthy relationship can exemplify for your kids. You know, we talk about the fact that we can we can teach our kids and and and lecture our kids till we're blue in the face, but they learn so much more of what is modeled for them than what is actually told to them. Now, marriage I think is a training ground for parenthood. And what I mean by that is if you want your kids to grow up to be effective parents, then That unselfishness that you model, that sacrifice and compromise that you model is what helps them understand how to be a good dad, how to be a good mom, how to how to show up for their kids and and and be there for them, even when it's hard, even when there's stuff they'd rather be doing. all of those things become so important for them down the road. Now, I have never found more joy than what I experience in the deep relationships that I have with my wife and with my kids. And I think that is so important for us to be able to model for them as well. if we can't figure out how to sacrifice and enjoy enjoy the things that we're building together, then how on earth are they going to have a desire to do to do those things as well? And And and we can like I firmly believe that we can. And if you're not exemplifying that, then you probably have some work to do. but I I firmly believe that the kids need to see the joy that comes from you know contributing to a successful relationship, a healthy relationship. So love their mom. Love their mom is huge and it's not gonna go away. I'm gonna keep talking about this till I'm blue in the face, but there's so many components to this that make it critical. okay, the the next one. And and this goes along with what I talked about with fathers being in the home is be present. Be present. It's so easy, guys. And and listen, I understand understand the struggle as much as anybody because It's so easy to get caught up in scrolling or you know, seeing seeing what happened in the game or or or whatever it is. It's just so easy to be there and yet not be there. And it's funny, you know, you you I I think everybody's experienced this. maybe, maybe you you took five minutes, you say, Hey, I wanna, I wanna turn my brain off or whatever. And then your kids come up to you in the middle of you scrolling and and when they interrupt you, how do you react? it's so easy to react and and and as if they're bothering you and they're interrupting you when in reality they should be the most important thing. that's in your life and they're the priority. And so I I would say, like, yes, you're home a lot. And I know this isn't every dad, but a lot of dad a lot more dads are home now than than there were before COVID. You're home, but are you really home? Are you really participating in your kids' lives? Or are you just kind of there from a distance or or in the periphery? And you know, I I'll tell you this. my wife has gotten irritated at me at times because when I get done with work, sometimes I'll and in fact, probably too often, I'll go down with my boys and and I'll play ping pong with them before we get other stuff done and things like that. and and and you know what? She's right. That being said, I enjoy so much being there with my boys and playing with my boys. and and and my daughter too. I mean, we spend time in different ways. This is just the example that came to mind, but being with my kids and interacting with them, I'm so much more fulfilled when I'm giving them quality time and quality attention and things like that than when I'm distracted on my phone and and just not paying attention to them. And and I'll tell you what, that's another thing. If you want to live a fulfilled life, learn to put that thing down and learn to pay close attention to your kids and be present. Now, as part of that Part of being present is the way we teach our kids. And this has come up several times in my conversations, but the way we teach our kids matters. If there's something that you want them to master, you can't just say, hey, go do this and expect them to just figure it out. And I I think the example that I used most recently was when I talked about telling my kids to go clean their room and then they go clean their room and they do a crappy job. Well, why have they done a crappy job? Well, I I think part of that is is because I just expected that it would be common sense of of how exactly they should go clean their room. And I didn't go down there enough and say, okay, step one, here's what we're gonna do. Step two, here's what we're gonna do. And now this is what a clean room looks like. And this is the standard. And and I feel like if I had done a better job like that early on, then I'd have saved myself a lot more struggle down the road. And so being present and and being present in how you teach and how you show. that becomes extremely important as well. Now, think about think about when your kids come up. in fact I used this example earlier. Like you're you're you're scrolling, you know, you're taking five minutes, whatever, and your kid comes up and says, Hey dad, watch this. And then they and then they I mean I've had that happen a number of times where they say watch this and they do quite possibly the most boring thing I have ever seen a kid do, right? But what are they really asking for? They just want your attention. They just want your attention. And so make sure that you find ways to make that a priority. Put down the distractions, and it doesn't have to be the phone. Whatever your distraction is, set that aside and give them your full attention. Now, the next thing that I that I've learned or that I would take away is that you cannot rob them of the struggle. As parents, we want so badly. We want so badly to just let them feel joy and and and and to be comfortable and things like that. And so we have this desire to remove obstacles from them. w you know, we think about I yeah, I think about my oldest and and my oldest would have times where he would go through challenges with friends and and you know maybe would would kind of change friends friend groups or or or fall out of favor with one group of friends and then and then later he'd find his way to a new group or whatever the case may be. and we would worry so much about that. We'd worry so much about He doesn't have somebody to hang out with. Should we help him figure that out? Should you know should we take him somewhere? You know, whatever the you know, whatever we wanted to do at the time. The idea was is that we felt like we had to solve that for him. And you know, now I've now I've had three kids kind of go through these phases and and they they go through this the experiences of of maybe struggling with a friend group, and and as they go through middle school and into high school, it kind of seems like those things naturally shift. And and what I've learned is that there's just To these things. That there's phases to your kids' lives, and yes, you're going to worry about some of those things, but also you can't overcorrect and worry so much that you start trying to solve their problems for them. And when you do that, I think you get into real trouble because A, they start expecting you to solve their problems for them. But B, there are critical things that they need to learn through going through these challenges. And do not rob them of the opportunity to problem solve and go through those challenges because you know I I said at the at the beginning of this that we want to make them happy. Well, temporary happiness isn't a favor. You're not doing them a favor by doing something that makes them happy temporarily. When you're really doing them a favor, it's giving them the opportunity to grow, gain strength, resilience, overcome these challenges that they're experiencing, problem solve and learn and develop. And and that's truly what's going to help bring them joy. If you're constantly just removing removing obstacles, removing challenges, and fixing it for them, you are doing them a huge disservice. And the hard thing about that is that you think you're doing the right thing. You you you think you're helping them, and you're just not. Stop it. Now. the last thing that I want to cover on this is I think as a dad, it's so important for you to understand that we're playing the long game here. Okay. Yes, we we're teaching them constantly, but how do you even know what to teach them? How do you even know what experiences you need to provide for them in order for them to become who they need to be? And and that idea of becoming is exactly what I want each of you to think about. Think about for each of your kids. What are you helping them to become? What do you want to help them to become? What did they have the potential to become? And and once you figure that out, you figure that out first, now you start thinking about what experiences can I provide for them or what situations can I put them into in order to help them become that person that I know they can become. And you know, as a dad, you have such a keen awareness of what your kids' strengths, weaknesses, what all those things are. You can see those things. And I think that's a gift that's given to dads to be able to identify those things. And it's your job to help them see the weaknesses that they have and help them overcome those. But so much more impactful is helping them see the strengths that they have and helping them understand how to lean in. That vision of helping them understand what they can become, helping them understand what you are trying to help them become, helps shape their daily decisive decisions of what how they choose to spend their time, what they choose to do. I I I will never forget Burke, who in one of my episodes talked to me about the fact that you have eighteen summers with each of your kids. And you know, he has a unique perspective because he lost his dad at age twenty. And after his early years with his dad, he recognized that you never know how much time you have. And I'm going to tell each of you dads here, you don't know how much time that you have. And as you think about what you're trying to help these kids become, recognize that this isn't something that you should deal with tomorrow. This isn't something that, you know, in a few years, maybe I'll start, you know, start trying a little harder to shape them or guide them or whatever the case may be. No, we don't know how much time we're gonna have. And so we've got to attack this responsibility and this opportunity to help shape these kids into who they can become. We we've got to do that now. We can't put it off. This is something you can't wait on. And I think it's important to remember there that like you're not gonna get this perfect. You're not. You're gonna screw up all the time. But that's exactly why we've got to make sure the that we're taking advantage of the time that we have. Because every now and then you're gonna get it right. And I think one of the most satisfying pieces of fatherhood is exactly that that we are playing the long game. And you can look back in 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, shoot. my my parents forty-three years and and you can see where they started and what they've become. And man, as I look back and and and think about where my kids where I've been able to see my kids grow from where they started to where they are now, it is such an incredible feeling to recognize, hey, I had a part in that. Like it it's it's not because of me. A lot of times it's it's disp in spite of me that they turned out the way they did. but in some way I had an influence on what these kids have become. And that is such a cool feeling and such a cool opportunity as a father. Now, so we we we've talked through a few a few things here, and maybe I just want to summarize it with this is I want to go back to to where we started. Look. Most of us aren't gonna be Bear Bachmeyer leading his team to a fourth quarter victory over Notre Dame. Yes, I'm a BYU fan, okay? But but most of us aren't gonna be that guy. Most of us aren't gonna be the guy who who saves the day at the end of the movie, or or you know, the the big rescue that takes place or w whatever that is. Like that's not that's not necessarily gonna be us, but I'm telling you right now. You can make a better world and it starts in your own home. And that is a real meaningful impact that we can have. And I feel like for dad listeners, the reason you're listening to this right now is because you care about that. Because because you want to have that kind of impact. And it starts right there in your own home. And so I I just want to challenge everybody who's listening today. I wanna challenge you to recognize you're not gonna be perfect and that's okay. But every day we can wake up and we can decide just to be a little bit better. And I think what's been so cool about me having these conversations is I'm I'm more aware than anybody that I'm not a perfect father. In fact, sometimes I'm having these conversations and I'm sitting here thinking, man, that is I w why didn't I do that? Why didn't I start doing that 19 years ago when I hear some of the things that other dads are doing. And yet I also recognize that when I look back at the time that I've spent as a father, I've been able to grow so much. But but even more so than that, as as I'm having these conversations, I've had so many things where I've been able to take that away and say, hey, I'm gonna start doing that right now. And I've had several things that I've implemented just since starting this podcast. In fact, I just talked to Aaron, Aaron Brooker. last week and he said that he sends his kids a little a little devotional every day, maybe a scripture that he read or or something like that with his thoughts and and sends it out to his kids. And I started doing that. You know what? It's been awesome. Can't I I I can't tell you for sure if it's had any impact on them, but it's had an impact on me because I've been able to to share with them more of what I find to be really, really important in hopes. That at some point it will have an impact on them. So so we'll see. Jury's still out. But the bottom line is you're not gonna be perfect. Yeah, and that's not why we're in this in this job. It it's not to be perfect, but you can be a little bit better every day. And as you do, I am more confident than I've ever been that you'll find as much fulfillment as you're looking for in this cool responsibility. And so I'll leave you with that. as always, don't sleep walk through fatherhood. Let's be dadigical.